There are certain people in your life that you meet and feel so lucky to have happened to cross paths with because they're the masters of what they do and are willing to take the time to teach you.

That's how I felt when I met Jacob, feeling desperate to learn the guitar and he had the tools to teach me how to do it. I spent a half an hour each week with him and he'd give me as much information as possible to practice and process the following week. After doing this for months and months I finally got to the point I was able to teach myself new songs and didn't really need lessons anymore. But those ten months or so that I did put my all into-- writing down and following every detail of the lesson, practicing three hours a day, not letting anything discourage me... is what got me to where I am today on the guitar.

...Another random person that inspires me, "Deelishis", not only because she has a bodacious a** but because of her amazingly confident personality in Flavor of Love (I've been watching that since it's leaked onto Youtube recently, nostalgia crack much?)

So I will of course be eternally grateful to Jacob for getting me over that intial "hump" that gave me the tools to teach myself. It makes me shudder to think of what might have happened if I hadn't been at that music store that day and met Jake in the first place. I could have ended up with another dead end instructor that had no idea what kind of motivation I needed. It's luck.

And in the same sense I feel this way about Ed. Back when I was 19 or so and had Math 96 with him I could see he was a good person and he could see that I was intelligent. After that class we of course lost touch but I added him on facebook. About a year ago he'd randomly came up on my news feed when I saw he had his first daughter (which led me to checking out his facebook to see that he'd fallen in love with a pretty girl about a year back, was still managing at some casino, etc..) and I messaged him to congratulate him.

Maybe that's been why he's been willing to take me on as a dealer at Lucky Bridge Casino. Because I absolutely suck. The other night Ed had me come over to his Dad's bar and help them out but having a *very* mediocre knowledge of the motions of the game and what winning hands are made it a very slow (and stressful) process. On top of that I had these really nice dudes that wanted me to chill out buying me drinks which I happily accepted and ended up getting too drunk to drive home until I threw up in the bathroom.* Beautiful. 

So yeah. I've just been practicing poker online against the computer any chance I can. I've been working at Caesars a lot lately and started my accounting 305 class so I've been keeping pretty busy.

In other news my birthday is coming in three days. Two days in two hours. I get paid tomorrow so I'm considering planning a party but I've gotta figure out what my work schedule is for the next week. Having a party should really be at the bottom of my priority list when I've got so much at stake right now. Like tomorrow I've got my first accounting homework and quiz due at 9, I got invited to a birthday party at 4 pm and I might get asked to come in and job train more. I don't know. tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.


peace. 

The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

A good guitarist just knows.

Today I decorated this "Gingerbread Dance Club" with my cousin Aiden. 

I love him so much and was super happy to see him. He's 6 now so we can carry on little conversations and he cracks me up because he's clever. 

It's Monday and tomorrow's Christmas eve. I don't really get all fired up over counting down the the days or anything, but now that it's almost here I'm getting excited. I finally finished my shopping today.

This morning I got up around 10:30 am. My Grandma and parents have always gotten up earlier and this morning I overheard my Dad talking to my Grandma about the guitar and how I'm starting to "create my own style with it." He also of course mentioned his awesome guitar-playing, pot smoking cousin Carl that once told my Dad that the key to getting good at guitar is Practice, practice, practice all the time. Lol thank you Dad for sharing this insight. Anyway that complement meant a lot to me... For some reason I'm always much more flattered when I overhear a person talking about me than a complement to my face that my playing is good.

Whenever someone says I'm good I just tend to deny it. Even after all this work I feel like I'm not close to where I want to be. I am so critical of my playing cleanliness, making mistakes, and the fact that I have such a difficult time memorizing things. I don't know any guitarists that have to grab a big binder of tabs to play for their f**king family, a good guitarist just knows. They know how to both improvise AND play songs. They can confidently perform pieces without forgetting sections and having to figure out where that damn measure is located so I can keep playing...

That perfection is what drives me to practice the way that I do. That confidence just isn't there yet... Even playing in front of my family in the living room that I haven't seen in a year in a half I found practically impossible. I was frustrated because I didn't have my nylon string acoustic and had to borrow my Grandma's steal string. I didn't have the Nothing Else Matters tab nor do I have Guitar Pro on this computer so I had to print it in ugly rough tab form from the ultimate-guitar website. The tab that I printed was laid out very confusing so I couldn't find the solo.

Yet everyone said it was good and I'm just screaming to myself in my head, "No! It's not!! I'm so much better than this, I just wish I had my acoustic.. I just wish I had the tab." And it's always been that way. I can sit here and play alone for hours upon hours and move from song to song seemingly effortlessly yet when I get in front of family or people like Jake that are way better than me I just become a disorganized, excuse making mess.

I'm so tired of that... I need to get my shit together and put more effort into memorizing songs and not skipping from song to song. I need to stick with just three songs at a time and make routine progress on them until I complete and memorize them before I stow them away and print new shit. I did sooo much of that my first year and a half of playing (note that I've been playing 1 year, 7 months... Jake only recently really cracked down on me for being ADHD with songs) and it's what's lead me to where I am now and I know the changes I have to make to get there now.

Wow, I was supposed to be writing about having a good day but now here I am crying.

I guess just being able to show my family what I can do after all this work is important to me. Somehow not having copies of two of my recital pieces was a complete b*tch and even if my family was impressed I still felt like sh*t about it. Oh well, guess there's always next year.


Okay let's talk about something other than guitar...

When I say playing for my family I mean my Mom, Grandma, Mandy, Zoe, Zoe's boyfriend, my sister, Adam, Aiden, Adam's neice and my Dad. My Dad and I had just gone Christmas shopping at Ross so I got a change to grab some last minute stuff that makes my amount of money right now a little less obvious. My Dad's been kicking me a lot of cash on this trip because he says he feels "bad for me" because my sister's loaded from working at Roasters. Well that's what I get for going to school full time I guess.

Next quarter I still will be. I'll just be taking that online class and having one class a day so I have zerooooo excuse NOT to get a job. I'd go stir crazy if I didn't. Terry and I are both convinced we are going to do a lot better this quarter than last, but that means I have to stay on top of things better than I did last quarter. Working might help me schedule my day better, who knows.


peace.

Recital tres and experience drinking in hot tubs

Evening.

Well it's passed midnight. Slept practically all day today-- which is what normally happens after something big happens and I feel I need to restore my equilibrium; which I'm lucky and thankful that I am able to do so.

I would have liked to of been able to write the past few days but I was busily preparing to go home and for the recital yesterday.

I didn't get any pictures from the actual recital, here's a pic of me and Conner chillin afterward. He knows so many more songs than I do, though he's been playing since we dated about four years ago. 

Spending time with him always makes me feels like my life hasn't changed since I was 16. It's fun to pretend. 

Well the recital was okay, not really the greatest it could have gone for me personally which is why I left during the intermission (which I'm sure I'm going to hear about on Thursday when I try to get my certificate from him). I'll explain why.

I got there about 10 minutes later than I'd anticipated (call time for students was 5:45 and I got there around 6' because I couldn't find my lanyard at home... again) and my Dad pulled in around the same time. He helped me unload some of my gear. I'd brought my VOX so I could potentially avoid the problems I'd had last time where it was too quiet. 

My Dad was hesitant about bringing the amp in, he's like "Run in and talk to your teacher and ask if it's okay if you bring it before I haul this damn thing!" Which to me sounded like a lot of hassle because it would require locating Jake through a maze of hallways in the Mormon church. I'm like "You know what Dad, nevermind, you just take my guitar and I'll take the amp, I don't care!" 

He grabbed the amp and we walked through the parking lot, "Hey I'm following you man." My Dad must have said this three times as we walked through the church. I don't know if he was just stoned or nervous, probably a combination of the two. Having grown up in the Mormon family my Dad gets a little sketched out by the church. We saw my Grandpa Walt lying in a casket there, at this point my Dad was pretty much "estranged" (as my Grandma calls it, though I considered it kicked out) from the rest of the family. Granted this situation had nothing to do with the Mormon church or this recital, but rather a rivalry between my Dad and his brother, so I don't know why I'm talking to you guys about this now... Anyway.

I go to the back and set my stuff down. I don't know any of the other students really and don't make small talk. My mind is entirely focused on how I want the piece to sound. I pick up my guitar and start running through it and my low E sounded a little flat. Instead of just handing it over to Jacob I really should have just tightened the little tuning peg thing. 

Buuut I gave my guitar to Jacob, he unscrewed all the little round nobs at the bottom of my tremelo, and then somehow the entire guitar ended up a step down... I felt like such a  noob trying to desperately get my guitar tuned because I still can't figure out how to change the tuning with that f*^%ing Floyd Rose on there. It's been the lamest thing, I want to get it taken off so I can change the tuning regularly. 

Jake could tell I was panicked, but it's not like this is anything new. Standing over by the door he said to me "Next time I'll have you play an easy chord song so you can play in a group..." I just remember feeling my heart feel like it fell into my stomach, like what are you saying, that I can't handle playing alone? That I'm not as good as your little pride and joy 10 year old Hispanic kid that plays solo? I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I can't even explain how low I felt just then. I'll never tell him how bad this made me feel because it just inspires me to work harder.

Anyway, so here I am right before I go on and I'm practicing the intro riff over and over... The guitar sounds fine because I had this guy just help me tune it in the other room a couple minutes earlier. I go on stage and plug it in, adjust the amp settings nervously as hell (I did get to use my amp but that can be difficult for me to understand how to get the sound just right too). I strike a chord and this horrible bwaaaahhh sound comes out instead of a E minor. Of course my mind's like What the f*&^ why isn't this tuned... oh God oh God... So I had to get Andy's attention to get Jake, who had to rush up there to fix the tuning. While he did so I was pretty much having an angry panic attack, like "Why is this messed up? This is such bullshit!!" 

After this happened I felt I didn't have time to test the amp, plugged myself in and played it the best I could. Honestly it sounded like crap to me. People always say "Oh you did good!" and "Oh you rocked!" blah blah blah but in my head it doesn't, it just sounds like muddled crap that sounds half as good as when I'd practiced it at home. 

That's why I have to keep working hard. I need to get good enough that my skill outweighs my panic and frustration with myself and eventually the confidence will follow. I just set my goals high, if I'm going to perform something publicly it should be perfect or as close to perfect as possible and every mistake that I make is like a reminder that I should have practiced harder. That hour spent on facebook is one more hour that could have been spent practicing.

I just want my damn certificate so I can frame it and stick it on my wall. I know at that point I will feel a sense of accomplishment because it is physical proof of a step in the right direction. Right now I just feel mad and disappointed when I recollect the details in my head, which is how I felt the last time I'd performed too. Which is stupid because I shouldn't be mad at myself, it sounded fine. I probably make it sound like I went up there and totally f*cked it up but I guess it's the emotions of how I was feeling when I played it versus what I'd envisioned. 

Next time. 

So lets talk more about Conner's house that's always fun. 

Conner's Mom came in the downstairs around 9 am this morning when I was still completely zonked out on benadryl. She's like totally awake skipping around picking stuff up and was like "You can take a shower upstairs if you want!" I was like "uhhuhhhh...." Ha ha I'm glad his parents like me. 

Conner and I had a blast, definitely an enjoyable time. When I got there he had already drank some and expected I'd be cool with wine but I'm like ehh, no I think I'll pass. Shortly after we got there we drove to the 7-11 and picked up beer. I wanted to buy snacks for myself but he said I should just wait and he'd cook something later. Of course Conner can sometimes be a flake-and-bake so I'm like "Yeah, I'm holding you to that."

He did follow through though! He made bomb beans and rice for us after we'd hung out in the hot tub for an hour and a half or so (stepping out of the hot tub I did feel quite drunk. It's true what they say about drinking in hot tubs, damn!) We watched Futurama, I got to hear him play guitar for the first time in awhile and I thought he sounded great. It was just a really good night. 

peace. 

Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that.

Found out today that Sleep Terror is playing Feb 28th

This damn solo, that's all that's been on my mind since school got out because I've got a recital in only two days.

Jake and I had a lesson today and having apparently not warmed up adequately (or just being really stressed out..) I couldn't play that solo for shit for him today. He's like "Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that. Stop being so nervous... Slowww down.." All stuff I've heard time and time again. I know the reason that I was nervous today was because I didn't practice enough the previous week so I felt ashamed about that. I'm lucky that I have tomorrow and Saturday to really practice. I have to take advantage of it as much as possible to make up for lost time.

It of course has to be perfectly memorized, I have to get those damn slurs right on the high frets without it sounding screechy or get dead notes, I have to NOT THINK when I'm up there and end up losing my place and getting messed up. The more I practice the next two days the better. Tomorrow I'm going to do at least three hours if it kills me. 

School has been over for a couple days. It was nice getting my finals done on Tuesday, and not having to take my Managerial final because my grade was high enough that I didn't need to drop any of my tests. My public finance final was hard, it had a ton of writing and I was of course one of the last ones in class to finish (and went over the time limit, which of course he was really cool about, as always.)

I think I did well this quarter and I'm trying to feel proud of myself for that but until I see the grades and how it effected my cumulative I can't tell you.

I was able to sell all three of my college textbooks back and got $180 today which was really nice to put away before I head home on Saturday and was able to do some Christmas shopping without having to ask for money (sort of defeats the purpose...). I went to Grocery outlet earlier and got some Christmas gifts, primarily makeup and stuff. Like I got my sister some face wash, my aunt a couple mascaras, my mom a Revlon nailpolish set, and a perfume set that I'm debating whether to keep myself or give to my cousin. It's a playboy set which I thought would deter me from wanting to open it but I really do need some perfume... My Halle Berry stuff from Rite aid spilled in the move and I've wanted some new perfume since.

I also stopped by Shavonne's house earlier to visit and brought her a little eyeshadow set as well and she gave me some treats for Marshall. They're dried cod with catnip treats, he ate some of it but tonight he was more interested in the gristle I'd thrown away in the trash can.

peace. 

Just have to fight a little longer!!!

....Okay I really shouldn't be writing. The amount that I've studied for public finance today hasn't been great, only a couple hours. I'm really sleep deprived because I was unable to take a nap today after my money and banking final because I felt all the stuff I had to get done weighing on me (irony!!!).

I've got a recital in five days. I really worked at the master of puppets solo tonight for an hour, distraction free. I closed my eyes and thought about playing it in front of people and reminded myself that I really need to focus on having it memorized like second nature before that happens. This time it's going to be much easier because I've developed better memorization habits... Back when I was learning Invention I basically used the tabs 24-7 and when it came down to the end and I had to use them on stage it was a huge disadvantage. Can't happen again.

I'm gonna be in practice heaven here after the final's over. I still haven't gotten a chance to designate an hour to listen to Jake's audio and the picking video so I'm making that a staple thing I have to get done tomorrow. I should have done so over a week ago but it's not like this weeks been a cakewalk. But yeah I'm super excited and happy about the recital coming up, especially because I'm going to have a new award certificate for my stairs.... ha ha

Alright I really need to get back to studying public finance. My plan is to study until 1:30 am or so. I don't think I've gone to bed before 1 once in the past week. Right now I'm just mainly doing reading and reviewing the material. Tomorrow morning I plan to get up around 6 to get ready and study the practice final online for a couple hours before the exam.

Of course I want to do well, it's Sipic's class (who looks amazing in red by the way, he wore this shirt the other day that.... okay anyway...) and because he's my adviser and it is very important that I don't look like stupid. Ha ha he's just one of these people that's so smart you really can't BS your way out of anything, so when I'm taking a test and I get to an essay question that I don't know some of the details and will have to sort of half bullshit it I'm like Nooooooo .... 

Okay that's enough writing for tonight, back to work.

peace. 

Okay... now that I've calmed down a bit.

Wow it's 11:42 pm. I always get to bed later than I anticipate. What's worse is that when I lay down in bed I'll play my DS for about a half hour to bore me to sleep. So yeah, lately bedtime has been 1 am. That'll have to change after this quarter when I've got my intermediate micro class next quarter at 7:30 am..

Sooo I was finally good and spent a couple solid hours writing my policy analysis. It's coming pretty smoothly. I've still got a week to do it, and my goal was to have some sort of rough draft to give to Sipic by Monday to make sure I'm going the right direction with this and get pointers on how to improve it. I'm definitely also going to take my paper to the writing center to get help proofing it. It's not like I'm expecting Toni to actually read through and correct the whole ugly mess of rough draft... lol that's for paid people like Kat L. to do. 

Kat works in the writing center in the library and I see her practically every time I go there (usually to print something..) I'd have to say I probably see her and Alex S. more than anyone else from back home. I see them enough that I try not to initiate small talk every time I see them around campus. 

So I guess you could say I "found"..okay I sort of stole a new recital piece. At least that's the way that I'm still seeing it because the way I found this song was really unoriginal and Jacob is going to know exactly where I got it... on his own facebook wall feed from someone else. 

Creds to Jordan S. for finding this.... He's no longer taking lessons from Jake and therefore won't be playing this at the recital.... Though if he suddenly decides to I am SOL, I am willing to take my chances. 

I have every intention of learning this by the Christmas recital in a little less than a month. I know it sounds crazy but I am really inspired to learn this. Master of puppets was NOT a waste of time-- it was a good song to learn because it probably improved my ability a lot more than I realize but I am so ready to put that sh*t to bed. I'm really hoping Jake says he thinks it's plausible for me to nail this thing in less than a month but there's still a chance he could say I'm crazy and recommend that I need to stick with what I started, who knows.

peace. 

Getting organized for my last 3 weeks. Newfriendnewfriend!

Hard to believe this quarter is actually sort of close to being over.

I realize that I have three more weeks of class to go, and I scored C's on a couple of my midterms and quizzes. That's really not acceptable for me so I've decided to write out everything that I'm going to need to do in the next week to get in the process of working hard enough to get A's on my next tests and raise my grades in the classes from high C's to B's.

This guy Jesse in my public finance class told me that I should try to keep my GPA above a 3.3 because that's where a lot of grad schools draw the line. That's really hard, especially when getting B's only makes the tiniest increase in the GPA but getting a C can drop it like nothing. I don't understand how the whole system is weighted.. My parents still don't understand how important it is to me. Like I'll talk to my mom and she'll be like "All you have to do is pass to get your diploma!"

F*ck that's pretty much like telling me to lay down and give up... American parents are so soft, ha ha. I mean I feel there's a ton of room for improvement right now. I have to do better than what I was doing this past 7 weeks from here on out, and where I'm going to start is creating weekly concrete task lists like I did last year...

This is my task list. Each one of the squares represents an hour of time spent working. 

That's the reality of what it's going to take if I really want to get A's on my upcoming exams. It's a really high goal even for me... These classes are so hard and it's going to take so much work and patience these next three weeks. I think these checklists will give me the visual motivation that I need. 

Of course I can't forget about guitar. I've only been squeezing in about a half hour of solid work a day (I know isn't that terrible?) mainly on the metallica solo. I'd like to practice more this upcoming week, at least an hour a day... I know that Jacob can see when I haven't practiced as much as I had wanted too. He's somehow able to read me really easily and it sometimes pisses me off, ha ha I must be really obvious when I'm stressed out.

Today for the most part was actually spent sleeping... I did practice guitar for 45 minutes and study for a couple hours and I'd like to get in more time of each before I go to bed (It's potentially going to be a challenge to sleep tonight after sleeping so much today... I'm probably going to have to drug myself at 2 AM or so just so my sleep schedule doesn't get completely out of whack)

Yesterday I met this really interesting girl named Audrey when I went to the Surc to eat before meeting up with Sipic to discuss my enrollment plans for next quarter (there's a freaking block on my account so I have to go to the library to pay a stupid fee before I can register, bitches...). Anyway she's a freshman here at CWU and makes the trip all the way from Rosalyn to get here. She likes to draw, and originally thought she wanted to be an art major before she took an art class here and said she's bored out of her mind in it. 

She seems awesome, I'm happy to have met her and hope we hang out sometime this week. She likes rock music, too. 

peace. 

Can you be any more endlessly helpful? ...And sexy dresses.

Look at all that.

Okay I know you guy's can't really tell what all that is but that was my to-do list today and everything I've gotten done and it's only 7:30 pm. I studied a total of 3 hours today, including a solid hour on Managerial and I'm not even done yet. I also read the entire chapter on Public goods twice this weekend. 

This last Thursday I was feeling really discouraged about my time management lately... Like having gotten a 72% on that Money and Banking test made me realize that I had to change some things to more evenly distribute my studying for my classes instead of just focusing primarily on one course for an upcoming assignment. By writing out all that I need to do at the beginning of the day makes me feel obligated to accomplish them, this really does work.

Jake also sent me this packet called "Live Your Legend" weekly planning which is going to help me reflect on the progress I'm making each week as well as set goals for upcoming weeks. So yeah, this has been great.. This weekend I've been more productive than I was all week and I plan to continue to use these methods this week to feel more confident both academically and the guitar, and this confidence will evolve into happiness. 

Jake told me that the power of perception is everything too, and by simply forcing myself to think "I CAN read this chapter..." instead of "Damn I don't want to read this..." or "I will do this" instead of "I wish I'd do this.." This has helped me a ton this week too. Whenever I find myself getting stressed over not understanding the material I'm reading I think to myself "I can learn this" and it sort of pushes me to move forward. I know it sounds silly but it works. 

Uhh let's see, Friday I just stayed in (did get invited to go out but have been hacking my brains out all weekend and wanted to heal). 

Yesterday evening when I felt a little better I decided to go to Kyle's house when he'd invited me to hang out. I had already told Kyle like twice that I wasn't really into him that way so I was surprised that he invited me to hang out in the first place. I saw his friends that he lives with from the other night, one of them was sooo wasted and loud and borderline scary acting... I definitely was not into any of the guys there that way either. Originally when I came over I thought we'd be going to the bars but we ended up staying because there was a party going on next door. 

Short, tight party dresses.  I can't say I own any of these. 

Their neighbor that was having a party was this girl named Lyndsey who seemed really nice, of course it was late and who knows how drunk everyone was. She was really pretty and her friends were too. They were wearing these teeny-tiny dresses that I always see girls wearing at college parties.. Of course I'm over here in jeans like always. I was really stoked to have met Lyndsey because she lived in on her own in a house too, is a senior and we seemed to have a lot in common so I was trying to talk to her. Her boyfriend showed up though and she wandered off so I don't know if I made a lasting impression.

 I think I was pretty friendly there and it was nice that I got out and be around people though I doubt I'll see any of them again. The more Kyle came onto me the more I pushed him away and now that he realizes he can't get anything out of it there's no point in having me around. 

Meh who cares. I'm not here to build relationships, I'm here to grow intellectually and confidence as an individual. 

peace. 

Wellll I slept a lot today and....

Hello, evening everyone. It's about 8:30 pm.

After Money and banking today I came home and took a three and a half hour long nap... Not really what I'd planned for the day, like I dragged my big basket of laundry downstairs and had plans of taking care of that today but that didn't happen. When I woke up from my nap it was about 3:30 and I had to eat something and practice guitar before my lesson with Jacob. 

That went well, I'm excited to be making progress and moving forward with master of puppets. I've successfully accomplished the first 200 measures at around 95% (without palm muting, but because the concert isn't until Christmas I have quite a bit of time to hammer out this imperfection). One reason that skype sucks is because my camera can't usually catch my entire fretboard as well as picking hand so Jake can't critique them simultaneously as well as if we were in person. Also we can't play together because of the camera lag. Still, it was a good lesson. 

We're moving into a finger picked clean acoustic part that is basically a sequence of chords for a solid minute. It's one of my favorite riffs in the song so that's gonna be my project this week. I need to make a new practice sheet.

Tomorrow I have my public finance test which I am feeling so-so about at this point. Today I've only studied an hour, and I should really be getting more done especially when I've got plans to have fun tomorrow night. I saw Abe P. recently in Shaw and gave him a hug, he's always been so nice and cool towards me and I've really wanted a chance to hang out and catch up with him. We're hanging out tomorrow, yay! 

Tomorrow I am also meeting up with one of my classmates to go over this obnoxious article that I have to write a paper on the 15th for Managerial. Blegh the font is so tiny and there's so much jargon it makes me nauseous. I also need to re-read the chapters of my managerial book for my best next Thursday in that class. Not something too urgent now thankfully...

Yesterday I met with Sipic and got my policy analysis subject approved. That's been hanging over my head bad and I want to get it done on Sunday so I can stop thinking about it. Lol Sipic asked me how I liked my classes this quarter and I told him I liked them all but there's definitely a hierarchy of favorites... (yeah somehow I think I just wanted to say "you're" my favorite without actually saying it.... ha ha ha) 

After we made some small talk I stood out to walk out and he got up to open the door and he asked me if I'm going to the career fair thing. I just remember pausing there like a dumbass because he was standing like a foot away from my face..... then of course I have some stupid frantic answer 90 mph like "Well I still haven't figured out who's all gonna be there so you should tell me 'cause I don't know...." (Wtf? God damn it, ha ha ha.... I swear sometimes when I try to talk to him my intelligence and confidence is seriously impaired.) 

Lolll only for my faithful blog readers, here's how I'm looking tonight, insane. 

FLASH CARDS FLASH CARDS CLASH FARDS MOTHA F^%$#AAAAAA.... 

This doesn't leave this blog entry.

peace. 

Ears ringing teeth clicking ears ringing teeth clicking

My 22nd year is off to a good start.

I'll back up a little. My Mom came over for my birthday and we had dinner, talked, laughed,.. had a really good time. She also brought Miranda and I got to see how'd she react in my apartment. She was fine of course, it's definitely a good place to own a pet (if it was allowed) and she'd probably even be safe going outside and playing down by the river. But yeah, no, not gonna happen. I realize that I don't want the responsibility of having a pet here either because it's just one more thing to distract me.

Classes went well today. I've got an upcoming quiz in money and banking, which is luckily the class that I'm feeling the most confident in aside from still behind on the wall street journal articles. Tomorrow I plan to cut the articles that I need out and paste them somewhere for easy reference. Something about messing with a newspaper makes me frustrated.

I had managerial econ with Ghosh today and I guess we're not going to have lecture for a couple weeks so I'll have even more time to understand all of this reading material he's assigned-- excellent. I also realized today that I'm going about his classes wrong-- I need to print out his overheads that he explains in class so I can spend my time actually listening instead of trying to keep up with him with notes. It's impossible, he talks too fast and changes subjects frequently. Now that I understand this I'm actually looking forward to his next class (Thursday the 17th) to actually hear everything he's trying to tell us.

Fan 4ever. 

Terry of course sits by me in that class and I've noticed that he gets especially bored and likes to draw ugly pictures of weird muscle guys and write things to me on my textbook. Today he also started a tic-tac-toe game with me. I lost and he wrote "Rookie". I responded "I didn't waste time playing that stupid game growing up" and he's like "You missed out." I'm like "Bullshit. Pokemon is awesome." Ha ha ha.

Oh speaking of Pokemon! That X and Y game is coming out soon... Damn I didn't even play Black/White, can't believe they're coming out with a new gen already. I'm over here still playing SoulSilver because of my painstakingly slow method of playing this game (I take elite four training with exp. share to a new level... I'm pretty sure I've been through that shit 115 times) that I'm still partially convinced might be my last because of changes that will come in the next few years....

Anyway Pokemon X and Y graphics are sooo beautiful, in battle you can actually see the moves being cast. Charizard apparently now has a 4th evolution which I am indifferent about but hey.

I did an hour of successful meditation today after my economics class and afterward studied Managerial for a solid 30 minutes and practiced guitar for so I was happy about that. Usually I'm unable to get anything done between classes. I either sleep or waste time on the internet.

Some people (or just my friend Wiley, not sure yet) are driving up to Ellensburg tomorrow and we're going to hit the bars around here. Should be fun. Wiley brought it up to me out of the blue and I'm like Hell yea if you're willing to drive up here please do. I'm hoping he does bring some people along because I always enjoy a crowd but if it's just us that's fine too. Wiley's such a chill and enjoyable guy to talk to, Hell if he's the only one that comes I'd have no problem just bullshitting over some beer at the Tav. Sounds like a great time to me.

Guitar lesson went really well. Jake said I've improved significantly since I've started forcing myself to memorize music. He also send me this article:

http://www.wikihow.com/Use-the-Law-of-Attraction

Law of Attraction. He'd mentioned this before and I thought it was just supposed to be used for attracting the opposite sex but it's WAY more than that. It's so incredible and simple, I feel enlightened by reading it but cannot describe this further until I try to experiment with it tomorrow....

peace.

Listened to Purity ring on a couple of my bike rides today. Lol I don't know what it is about her music, it's just enjoyable yet creepy and alluring and weird at the same time-- kinda like me. : )

Suicide girls (....and more Luke, lmfao)

Evening everyone.

Today's been pretty productive. Today I went to the library and printed out Ghosh's sort of insane looking 16-page handwritten notes meant to help us with an article we have to write about by the 15th. I originally went to the library to print Carbaugh's handouts for money and banking but wasn't able to log in because of a caps issue in the username. I feel like a moron because I sent him a message about it but then I figured out what I did wrong and I'm like, "uh duh..." ha ha.... third quarter of this professor's class, you think I'd be able to get this shit right.

Anyway, I plan on getting up earlier than usual tomorrow to go print out those handouts in the library before his class at 10.

Today I also read about half of Chapter 2 in my Managerial book, which for some reason I find the most difficult to read. It's funny, because all of my classes are economics I'm having difficulty distinguishing whether or not I'm unknowingly giving one class more time than another. The material is really fascinating though and I know my listening skills have improved a lot since last year.

Thinking back to this time last year, I was taking accounting with that kind of senile guy, pre-calculus and that law class with the New Yorker that called me "Miss Wilson." Ha ha ha, yeah I definitely remember feeling my eyelids feeling heavy in all three of those classes at one time or another.. I also remember doodling pointless stuff in the margins and counting down the minutes left in class. In these classes I couldn't imagine doing that because I feel like I need to remember as much as this stuff as possible for my own benefit in the future.


Oh!! weirdest a$$ thing happened today!! 

  

pictured: Kelsey R., Jake's girlfriend (left), who's also friends with Rachelle, my friend Samantha's sister in law (right). 
Because I've followed Rachelle's posts on facebook for a long time I've seen Kelsey's comments but we've never talked. 

Kelsey added me on facebook. Ha ha this was completely out of left field for me because from what I'd heard she didn't like me much. Yesterday was her 24th birthday and she posted a picture of a purse from Megan that I worked with at JCpennies. Finding out that they were friends didn't come as a surprise to me because I remember Megan telling me that she'd gone to a lot of local metal shows. Kelsey is also friends with Rachelle, as well as Brandon C. and a bunch of other music people Jake knows that have been in that scene. 

Anyway yeah she sent me a message saying that "Jacob said you wanted to be friends : )" and of course I was stoked because yes, I'd wanted to actually get in contact with her for awhile. I want her to form her own judgement of me but also see most importantly that even though Jacob means a lot to me-- and has made more impact on my life than anyone I've ever encountered, it is not a romantic or sexual attraction what so ever. Lol and I'm thankful I'm not into him that because theoretically if I was and would have made any passes at him he would have inevitably harshly rejected them, gotten angry at me for violating the professionalism of his business, and asked me to leave. Yeah not something that I have ever wanted at all. 

But yea it'd be pretty sick to actually get to know her as a person. From what I've seen we have a lot in common so I have never seen why not. 

In other news Luke's not mad. I think. 

He commented on a status I'd posted last night: "Why is it so hard for me to have people in my life here....... —" which is pretty much what was ringing through my head all night last night. He said "Join the club." because I'm pretty sure this is what he's feeling living in Seattle right now. Like he's considering moving to San Diego to continue his music career but is at a crossroads about it.  Probably not gonna send him any more messages directly though unless he gets ahold of me first because I still don't know what that "failed to send" shit was all about.. lol.

It's still awesome to me that we're communicating on facebook because I really look up to him as a musician. He's got hands like no other and is probably one of the greatest living guitarists in the world. 

So yeah that's it for my weekend. Just studying a lot, practicing, BSing with people on facebook, then studying more. Ha ha, lame. Looking forward to school this week though. My birthday is in two days and I don't have anything planned but maybe I'll try to figure out something for the upcoming weekend if I decide to make time for it.

peace.

YES, YES, total happiness is an UNDERSTATEMENT right now...

I finally figured it out... the solution to my problems.

It was right in front of me all along. Why the Hell don't I just live alone? I called the housing office first thing this morning and will be able to get switched immediately. I know living alone might not sound exciting to some but for a creative introvert like me there's nothing better.

I'm just imagining the possibilities:

-I'll have my OWN kitchen-- cooking videos on youtube with no worry of interruptions.

-My OWN bathroom-- shower and bathe whenever I want without worrying about my roommate needing to use it.

-Use my AMP!

Absolute privacy. 

..And the best part is that I've got it, even this late in the game. The only studio apartment left is a "remodeled apartment in Brooklane." For some reason when she said this it made me think of the most ghetto place in the world-- like the "apartment-that-was-just-messed-up-and-we-just-had-to-fix-it" and thus hadn't been rented out yet. Regardless I do not care what so ever, I am very happy with my circumstances.

Now I know exactly what I'm bringing and can look forward to styling the apartment any way I want. I need to get some stuff out of Dad's shed to figure out what I have and what I want to bring.

And don't tell anyone you guys but I might be bringing a certain someone... 

I'm not that nervous about moving Miranda to the new environment. She absolutely loves me and she's a really smart cat so I couldn't imagine her just running off. She's probably not going to like the harness training but I'm going to do it as a way to get her outside. I'm sure I'm not allowed to have pets at student village but I know that other people have pushed the rule as long as everything is kept clean. If anyone gives me any lip about it I will gladly say I have a history of anxiety and need my pet there to help alleviate it. It's the truth.

Alright now I need to get to work. I do have a guitar lesson later so I need to practice too and somehow get a copy of "In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth." I've been working on that for about a week but I've already got most of it done. Now Jake can't give me shit for not focusing on one song. He's gonna want to play master of puppets today more than likely so I need to get shred ready.

peace. 

Wired as Hell.

Man I've been so ADD about my practice habits lately... like I just want to learn everything and keep finding new songs that I want to play. For lessons sake I've decided to learn Master of Puppets because it's going to allow Jake and I to work very well together. He knows every measure of that song and will be a lot more effective at teaching it than Anastasia, even if I still love the guitar part in that and want to learn it. Slash might actually be a little too difficult for me right now.... I relistened to that song and it sounds like a massive challenge. Of course Master of Puppets will be too, but I've grown more and more used to Kirk Hammit's style so it will probably be easier to learn than Anastasia.

Here's a picture of Kirk Hammett when he was about my age-- maybe a little younger. 

It's funny to listen to some of Metallica's interviews because Hetfield says that during their first important performances and even subsequent performances for years to come their minds were more set on "Don't mess up, don't mess up...." than the actual music (which I can totally relate too with my recent recitals) and now that they are more experienced musicians today they can fully enjoy it without the stress of messing up. 

It takes years and years of intensive practice to get to this point. I don't have any long term goals of trying to be some famous musician because that's a pipe dream. I just want to get good enough to experience the complete euphoria of having THAT degree of freedom and clarity while playing... The kind Luke Jaeger has, John Petrucci, Steve Vai, Joe Satrianni, Dimebag, etc etc etc....

Speaking of Luke, he's moving back to San Diego. I don't know if Jake and him ever talked again about coming to the tri cities to do a pro lesson but he's been in California. If he comes to the tri cities when I'm in ellensburg out of the blue and gives a lesson to jake's other students I'd be so pissed.... lmfao. 

Okay enough guitar bullshit for now.. I know some of you that read this blog don't care about any of that.

I've been trying to make progress on my roommate search... though unsuccessfully thus far, and hope that my two ads-- both the index card one and the online ad, will get me a few calls and then I'll pick who
I want to live with next year. The girl I tried texting yesterday didn't get back to me and I haven't really gone through the ads on the page today but should. 

School starts on the 25th... I move out on the 22nd. That's abouuuut... 2 weeks before I'm out of here. Wow the end is definitely in sight. My Mom mentioned this morning that it was hard to believe that our birthdays are coming up again and I'm going to be turning 22. Dun dun dun.... 

Haven't thought about what I want for my birthday yet... A new guitar that I can actually tune without having that stupid locked bridge would be nice. I've really wanted to play some coheed and cambria but half of their songs are tuned down. I realize that Keeping Secrets Silent Earth is actually in Standard though so I'm chugging this energy drink and gonna have a blast learning this tonight. 

peace. 

To be the hero is all I ask.....

I've loved this song for years.... Literally I remember listening to this album back in 2008 in highschool when I'd have to run for miles on end at soccer practice. I adore Coheed and Cambria and always will. This will be soo fun to learn too. Like I said, ADD I've got stacks of paper everywhere and it annoys the shit out of Jake. He says I need to get a box to file everything in and I totally agree with him.. I just haven't gotten around to doing it cause I'm too damn lazy. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace. 

Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

sweeeeeeeet emotion.

Goodmorning.

Or I guess it feels like morning to me because I got up at 10:30. Wow I just opened my blinds to get some light in my room and saw my horrendous parking job. The back of my mom's van is like 3 ft away from the curb. Whoops. Anyway yeah just sitting here enjoying my day off.

Found this on one of Beebee890's friend's pages today. I've noticed that other people that really appreciate Brian Thompson's personality have a similar sense of humor and unique taste for weird images that I do.

Last night I passed up the offer to go to the bars with Katelynn. This was a hard decision to make because I didn't have work today and did have the option to go out because it was only 10:30 pm and I was for the most part ready to go. On the other hand I'd had a long week at work and was really looking forward to practicing last night. I chose to stay home.

I've been doing a good amount of practicing on Invention and Anastasia. The recital is coming up August 31 so I've really been cracking down on my practicing. Invention is something I've been working on for months and is incredibly difficult. To get it to the point of mastery that I want it will take at least an hour of solid practice each day.  Anastasia is what I'm going to play for the Christmas concert so I have plenty of time to learn it. This week I've just been focusing on the first page's acoustic chord fingerings-- which Jacob transposed for me from the original tab which was sooo helpful this week. Bravo, I certainly get my money's worth with him.

A sharp is setting up a forum website where we can share tabs and connect with teachers and other students, it's going to be really neat and I'm looking forward to him getting that up and running. 

I'm getting excited for school to start again. I'm looking forward to learning again more than anything. Without being in school I've allowed myself to veg somewhat. Really haven't made too much progress on that book even if it's taught me numerous things this summer. 

Here's some important up and coming things that I need to keep in mind:

-Tomorrow I'm taking photos with my cousins around 6 pm. Meeting @ Teri's house at 5:30 pm. 

-Getting paid on Friday. Should withdraw an extra 40 to pay Jake off for the rest of the month. 

-Buy frozen peaches because I ate all of Avery's.

-Jenee H. going away party on Friday 

Well haven't heard much from Jay this week. Because it's my day off of course I'm hoping that I get a chance to see him but at the same time I feel it's not likely so I'm not anticipating anything. He posted this LOVELY status that said something like "it's a bad sign when you ask for a girls number and she gives you 3 digits." I'm like huh, okay well obviously he hasn't been thinking about me enough to not be trying to hit up other girls. 

I've decided not to text him today. He knows that I'm off, if he wants to see me he'll have to get ahold of me first. We'll see. 

peace. 

nailed a few plywood boards over a burnt bridge

Evening everyone.

Today I've felt really intense because I've had a lot on my mind. Jake could actually read this on me at my lesson today. There was a lot that I would have talked about with him that had happened yesterday if I could but it was completely irrelevant and he doesn't need to know about my personal life. I'll talk about what happened on here for those few odd souls that read this blog (which, as I've always said, I appreciate because I know I ramble and don't edit these blogs grammatically as well as I should).

But yeah, my lesson today I had practiced about an hour beforehand but didn't play as well as I felt I should have. This was frustrating. But I don't know if my bad playing was what made me so mad. I kept on saying "shit" throughout the lesson and felt just... idk, not centered. This week my goal is to work on counting out loud. Something I've kind of dreaded because it's hard to do while you play if you don't know all the notes perfectly. Invention's note combinations are frustrating but Jake is continuing to show me tricks on how to get it down.

I've been doing a lot of practicing without counting or even using a metronome of any sort so even if I've learned the notes it doesn't sound nearly like it should and that is very frustrating. This week I need to work on it with guitar pro as well as better learn the notes on the second page.

Here's another incredible song by Puscifer that I've been listening too. What I've always loved about Tool's lead singer Maynard James Keenan is that his voice is so comprehensible that you have no problem understanding what he's saying but the challenge is figuring out what any of it means. 

Ha ha, I was going to post a picture of Keenan and I went to google image search and started typing "John Maynard Kaynes"... lmfao. Anyway I plan on learning a lot of Tool music after the recital. There is a lot of good guitar that needs to be learned how to play there.... 

Yesterday Katelynn and I went to the Parkade and met up with some of Ashleigh's friends like I have the last few wednesdays. Katelynn and I sort of found ourselves isolated in our own conversations. We don't mean to do that but it happens. Before we got there I had already had a few drinks so I had a decent buzz and didn't have to spend much money which was nice.

Katelynn and I walked down to Jack Didleys. There I saw Jessica S., Sarah V. and Celeste P. Jessica had actually noticed me before I had time to think about the situation. She gave me a hug and was like "Omg Emily you look so good!!  I love your hair, where have you been I haven't seen you in forever..." like that sort of thing. I was really shocked. She's one of these people that is pretty nice to everyone regardless of circumstances because she's never really had a reason to be jealous or have hard feelings toward anyone because things seem to have come relatively easy for her in her life. 

She was totally friendly and sweet and gorgeous like she's always been. The main reason why I carried so much anger toward her is that she used to easily get things in highschool that I thought I wanted: "cheer leading" team spot-- which would have been a complete nightmare for me if I had made it, playing time on the basketball team when I humiliatingly got none that year, and of course you know she was really popular within my own class and I never had that, she got some scholarships I didn't.... these things piled up over the years and by my senior year I pretty opennly didn't like her. We had Jone's class together and she would give some (usually somewhat "conservative") input and I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand and shoot down what she was saying. She'd come into class late and I'd roll her eyes at her. Stuff like that. It was funny I think she's somehow gotten my yearbook to sign and she wrote "Well I don't think you ever liked me that much but I hope you have a good summer!" or something like that. So obviously she knew that I didn't like her. So I brought it up to her last night.

I told her pretty straight out that I didn't like her because she was with Jack, which doesn't really explain why I'd hated her in highschool because she didn't actually date him until afterward. That's the only relevant thing to this date anyway. I told her we had a long history together though things never worked out. She was like, "Well he lives up at Central why don't you guys see eachother?" sigh.... ha ha ha. I'm like "We don't because he never seems to want to see me. Really the only time we ever saw eachother was when I wanted to show him up on guitar and that was it." Like I described that originally when I started playing I thought guitar would be the thing that would finally make him think I'm good enough to be with him and when that didn't work I finally just said fuck it, there's nothing I can do. 

Jessica told me that she and Jack got along great and they broke up because she went to school. At some point I'm sure he got ahold of me both before and after Jessica and him were together but again we never really executed any kind of plans and this was very painful each time. Jack finds girls relatively easily and he probably associated me with emotional baggage because I had told him time and time again that I f*cking hated him and wanted him out of my life. It was just a very horrifying situation for me and so much of me will always hate Jack for it. But he's dead to me now, he doesn't matter and for that reason I no longer have bad feelings for Jessica. She really is a nice person that didn't ever intentionally do anything to make me hate her. 

Alrighty well I'm gonna get going. My hands are kind of hurting so I think I'm going to relax with some sims tonight instead of practicing more. 

peace.