Unless I write it down for real, PS

Evening.

It's 10:07 PM and I'm feeling sort of drowsy. Today was sort of boring and I'm happy school is starting the day after tomorrow. Still no word from the Subway manager so I should probably try to call him tomorrow. I'm thinking he might have reconsidered hiring me. Hopefully not, I could definitely use the money, but this quarter is going to be hard and will probably hit me like a ton of bricks by this time next week. 

I didn't do anything remotely academic over spring break. Michael warned me that I should be looking over R which I didn't get around too. I also need to email updated copies of my resume to another couple internships I was looking at for this summer. It's really important that I get that stuff squared away too.. Doing well in an internship will really help me find a job after school and then I won't have to potentially move back into my parent's house after I graduate. 

I also had the intention of briefing the first couple chapters of my finance book to get prepared for what's to come. I actually might have done this had I brought the book back with me to benton city, and the stress of not having it made me want to leave home since Tuesday night. Of course I didn't because my Dad told me how silly that was and that I just needed to relax.

Stress is my biggest struggle. It prevents me from getting a lot done, especially when I'm not diligent about writing down what I need to accomplish in any given day. That structure alleviates a lot of stress for me and when I'm back home I feel like that structure completely evaporates. Whenever I sit down and try to do something productive it doesn't take long to get distracted. Whether it's someone talking to me or talking in the background, some loud TV somewhere, cats meowing at the door trying to get in or out, feeling uncomfortable because I'm in some unusual spot... 

Working out helped my stress a lot last quarter.

Luckily these type of distractions in my apartment are non-existent but I have to learn to adapt to being productive in other environments so I am not so frequently confined here.  Last quarter instead of working out at home using those videos I started using the gym which has been great, I really missed the gym this last week. 

....I've also missed the flipping library! One thing I did do a ton of over spring break was draw and I've got some awesome ones that I'm excited as hell to upload on Monday. Ever since I stopped taking lessons and allowed myself to more diversify my skills my drawing technique has shot through the roof and I'm having a blast drawing anyone I feel like....

peace. 

Recalibrating my life again

School has been hard for me lately.

I think a lot of it had to do with starting this quarter off badly which f*cked up my internal schedule and confidence so I haven't been able to figure out a solid routine yet. Today I tried spent a lot of time studying macro Chapter 3 but pretty much got nowhere on the homework. The math is really killing me right now. I need to actually practice it, and I'm hoping that adding the website to my studying will help me do that this next week.

I know in order to hold myself to practicing anything I have to create a schedule with the number of hours I'm going to spend on it.

This is me feeling very stressed out and defeated. I spent about 5 hours studying today with little physical proof of improvement of understanding (completed assignments...) so I know I have to approach this differently. I'm meeting up with Kevin tomorrow to figure out the Ch. 3 production function equations I could not for the life of me get today. Then I'm going to start using the website to more proactively study the book.

Here is my schedule for the next week. I have my first macro test on the 31st and right now I'm not feeling prepared for it at all. I've wrote out this planner so that in the next week I'm going to do about 12 hours of Macro study by the time I hit the upcoming test because I know that's how much I'm going to need. That's a goal of two hours of studying macro alone each day this week, plus also remembering to chip away at that project 2 for my management class.... And try not completely throw guitar under the bus. And find a job. 

....Because I have no money, which is another source of stress in my life because my parents give me money to live so I try to spend as little money as possible. But now that I'm 22 everyone around me is drinking and alcohol is so tempting and freaking expensive. And of course I have guitar lessons that cost $80 a month and my habit that cost as much as any regular smoker at this point. 

All this stress is making it so not I'm getting enough sleep. I haven't been to sleep probably earlier than 2 am all week because I am too stressed to fall asleep and keep getting woken up from nightmares of failing school. Literally I've been having these nightmares where I have to take an exam and I'm not ready or I somehow fuck up my life and wake up in a panic and it makes it hard to even get up in the morning so I'll end up sleeping in until 11' even if the nightmare woke me up at 6!!! 

I have to change all these bad habits in my life right now before it's too late and I get a D on my first exam. This week I will get more sleep, eat healthier, smoke less, work more, wake up earlier, study harder and practice better. Then by this time next Saturday I won't feel like this. I'll tell you how the first day of this goes tomorrow (well, technically today, obviously going to bed at a decent time isn't getting off on the best foot but tomorrow I'm going to make it a goal to be in bed by 11)

peace. 

Just have to fight a little longer!!!

....Okay I really shouldn't be writing. The amount that I've studied for public finance today hasn't been great, only a couple hours. I'm really sleep deprived because I was unable to take a nap today after my money and banking final because I felt all the stuff I had to get done weighing on me (irony!!!).

I've got a recital in five days. I really worked at the master of puppets solo tonight for an hour, distraction free. I closed my eyes and thought about playing it in front of people and reminded myself that I really need to focus on having it memorized like second nature before that happens. This time it's going to be much easier because I've developed better memorization habits... Back when I was learning Invention I basically used the tabs 24-7 and when it came down to the end and I had to use them on stage it was a huge disadvantage. Can't happen again.

I'm gonna be in practice heaven here after the final's over. I still haven't gotten a chance to designate an hour to listen to Jake's audio and the picking video so I'm making that a staple thing I have to get done tomorrow. I should have done so over a week ago but it's not like this weeks been a cakewalk. But yeah I'm super excited and happy about the recital coming up, especially because I'm going to have a new award certificate for my stairs.... ha ha

Alright I really need to get back to studying public finance. My plan is to study until 1:30 am or so. I don't think I've gone to bed before 1 once in the past week. Right now I'm just mainly doing reading and reviewing the material. Tomorrow morning I plan to get up around 6 to get ready and study the practice final online for a couple hours before the exam.

Of course I want to do well, it's Sipic's class (who looks amazing in red by the way, he wore this shirt the other day that.... okay anyway...) and because he's my adviser and it is very important that I don't look like stupid. Ha ha he's just one of these people that's so smart you really can't BS your way out of anything, so when I'm taking a test and I get to an essay question that I don't know some of the details and will have to sort of half bullshit it I'm like Nooooooo .... 

Okay that's enough writing for tonight, back to work.

peace. 

Week 7, getting into the hardest part of the quarter.

I have a hell of a busy work week ahead. I've been starting my weeks on Tuesdays because that's the day that I'm usually in the know for what I have to get done in the next week. If I were to make one of these on Monday morning I wouldn't have known the exact date for my accounting test, next Monday.

This next accounting test is really important because if I fail this one I'm out of the class and it's too late to drop so I'd be stuck with a failing grade. That being said, I'm going to really make a point to study those flash cards, understand the concepts and formulas, and re-do those homework assignments. Burnadette, Natasha, Tiana and I are going to meet up and study sometime this week. Burnadette and I were considering meeting today but I'm not sure if that will actually happen. Either way I still gotta get that assignment done. Chapter 13 SUCKS but Natasha actually got some help from the professor yesterday so we were able to really figure out the assignments. 

The key is being able to do it without a reference, knowing what order to put those tables, etc etc.. As my task list says, week 7 is typically where you dig into the more difficult material of the course,usually have upcoming important tests to watch out for (if you don't already have one in week 7.. I'm my case I don't), etc. So wish me luck. I have to make sure I'm taking the necessary steps to do well on that accounting test or I'm pretty screwed.

peace. 

Excuse that post earlier....

Honestly you guys, I get so hung up over nothing.

So it's 4:00. Thus far today I've studied accounting for an hour, played guitar for about an hour or so, dinked around on facebook, made myself some lunch... Yadda yadda. Not too much going on. Like I said earlier I have been having some chest pain but I don't think it's anything. I'm going to go to the doctor for it probably in the next couple weeks though just to make sure. It's always better to be safe than sorry. 

I had my second math test today. I feel... alright about it, though I worry that I didn't do certain steps correctly. I probably didn't study for that as much as I should have, a lot has been on my mind lately with my accounting test results and trying to get caught up in my legal class. Speaking of which, I have to do my chapter 12 assignment tonight which is going to be somewhat of a hindrance because I also have to study the packet for the midterm next Monday. It's going to feel really nice to have that out of the way.

As you can see I now have a weekly goal sheet. This is something else that Jacob had recommended I do but I'd never had such a need to monitor everything that needed to get done from week to week. I feel like if I do everything on this list, the time between now and next tuesday will be significantly more stress free than last week. 

Damn, I have to do my math assignment. I'll tty guys later!

peace. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK. Sink or swim, baby.

I'm almost sure I failed my first accounting test, but at least I now know what to expect. That was the hardest test I've ever taken, I didn't show my work on practically any of it, and I know what I have to do.

The test was huge, all multiple choice, 75 questions.... I almost immediately knew I was fucked when I looked at how the questions were worded and how you had absolutely no hints on how to perform the calculations. I probably would have done much better had I the time to really think about each individual question, considering I only had an hour and a half. Worst of all, you have to show your work, so for all the questions that I didn't show my work even if I guessed correctly I still got it wrong.

OH. And worst of all, I forgot my four-function calculator on my fucking desk at home so I had to work with  the professor's ancient calculator that didn't work for shit and had sticky keys and a sideways 6.

So today was not my day. I just need to remember that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do is study harder and move forward.

What I need to do is find a way to make sure I do a solid 2 hours a studying each day for each class so that I'm not focusing all of my energy on one class one day and then sort of spacing on other material. I think if I do that from here on out I'll be guaranteed to survive this quarter. I just don't know how to find the time to do anything besides study lately.

I've just gotta stay up later, wake up earlier, try to conceptualize the material, TRY to stay relaxed, try to find time to EAT.... Because literally I barely even make time for that anymore which is why I've been losing weight.

So this, again, is a sink or swim situation. My new day-to-day schedule is now going to look like this, every day:

1. 2 hours accounting
 -
 -

2. 1 hour math
-
-

3. 2 hours Legal
-
-

4. 2 hours Guitar
-
-

For every day that I don't have Legal and accounting class. I can only set my goal for math at 1 hour a day because realistically I know that I won't study math for two hours. If I can stick to this I can guarantee I won't fail my classes.

I just thought last week was enough.... But I gotta work harder. Five hours a day is do-able, it's like a full time job.

peace. 

What implications can you draw from staring....

Nope. I made it a point today not to feel hopeless about my classes and try not to get too frustrated if I don't fully understand the material. That's why I'm at school, to learn, make mistakes, etc. I just try to be really ahead of my game all the time, study extremely hard and try to get the best grades possible so it disappoints me when I don't quickly absorb the material.

I didn't study last Wednesday but I feel I should today. There's some important dates that I need to clarify. I will also write it on my sticky note and start setting goals accordingly. I didn't have my planner with me in class today so I had to write some important date/times on slips of paper in my binder. Never a good plan. You might think all of this is excessive. It's just necessary when you have to remember so many things in three relatively difficult classes. This is certainly the most difficult quarter I've ever taken, much harder than anything I encountered at CBC.



Important Dates:

Pre-Calc Test 1, Friday Oct. 5 

Accounting Test 1, Ch. 1, 2, 3, 5 (I'll figure out later chapters later) Oct 15. 10:00-12:40

Legal Exam 1, 10/24, covering ALL of chapters 1-10. T_T

All of these tests are going to be a huge challenge, and will require hours and hours of study. I've got to stay focused and oriented, and cannot lose faith when I don't understand something in class. It's so hard to get on top of things but it's the greatest satisfaction to me to actually get the material when I need to.

I cannot put my accounting homework off like I did today. I actually didn't get the assignment done and Burnadette and I could collaborate so our whole group wasn't able to work together. Natasha and I were sort of fumbling through 3-26 today because neither of us could figure out how to calculate certain costs. I am going to re-read that chapter tonight and try to figure out what I was unable to do today.

So yeah, a little stressed is an understatement.

I don't want you guys to think I'm miserable here or anything, actually I'm starting to get a lot more comfortable and I'm having more fun in my routines than ever before. I feel like in college I can really take all that goal setting and time management stuff that I learned from Jacob and PillaiCenter and apply it to my everyday life. I'm in complete control of how I spend my time here, and since it's up to me I'm going to spend my time as productively as I can. Because for me, going out and finding other things to do would be a waste of time.

Really the only thing that could pull me away from my routines, I've found, is some sort of love interest. Because of course I schedule friends into my time, no problem, just whenever she has time.. But when you're talking to someone in *that* manner their life sort of becomes your life and visa-versa, you become more intertwined in each other's whereabouts and are unable to have your own experience. That's why I felt so relieved a couple days ago after parting with Jason.

 Literally the sadness I felt was momentarily. I was shocked and sad to read the words, but the sadness dissolved so quickly. I thought I at least had minor feelings but I guess not. Maybe I just really liked his company. I will always have respect towards Jason and he came at the right time. I was feeling pretty lonely this summer, and he was SO good about texting me on a regular basis, our skype conversations could get pretty funny too. We didn't really click personality wise but it was fun to like eachother when I was lonely and sort of needed that gratification.

I've decided I will only post a status on facebook once every two days instead of one, now. Facebook can irritate me because I'm always feeling compelled to write some clever observation of something in my life from a day to day basis. I think that'll be better left to once every two days. Facebook is overrated and getting boring, anyway.

There's some football players outside yelling nonsense. They seem like the audience Red Baron was trying to reach when they designed what I just had for dinner, "Feasts for One".

Freezer pizza is a nutrition nightmare-- you've got trans fats, cholesterol, incredible amount of sodium and preservatives, the works... But damn, these things are actually pretty delicious. I originally bought one at Bargain Market on my first shopping trip. They had like 40 of them for $1.99 on a shelf so I figured why the Hell not, get some douchebag pizza. It was so good I bought it a second time when my parents took me to Safeway to stock up.

My phone's off. That sucks. But everything's good.

Oh, interesting little tidbits that could be absolutely nothing. There's a girl in my accounting class that a couple days ago I made solid eye contact with while standing in line to turn in an assignment (Monday). I looked away, then looked back and caught her staring at me a second time. I sort of grinned, she grinned slightly and it was my turn in line so I turned away.

 This girl sits behind me. At the end of class when Holtfelter took role a second time she said, "Last in line?" to me when I was standing there. I'm pretty sure her name had already been called. I said, "Ha, yup!" and sort of walked off. I don't know if she was trying to initiate conversation there. Today I ran a little experiment. When we turned in our assignments I walked to the same far side of the room that I did on Monday just to see if she'd do it again. I totally saw her staring at me, again.

I don't know what to make of this. She's really pretty, she's really tan, and has almost black hair. I haven't really made actual eye contact with her but I think we briefly talked on the first day. Again, could be nothing. Just random.


Another staring war happened today when I was walking back from law class. I recognized this really attractive Phillipeno guy that was a friend of Patrick's that I'd met last week. I met up with Patrick twice at his car, once when we hung out at his place and the second time that he brought me a birthday present (Very sweet of him, he got me headphones..). Both times I saw this guy but I don't know what his name is. Anyway, walking home from class today, I saw him sitting with another guy outside of Wendell (the building that's right across the street from mine). As I approached he definitely was looking at me. I was definitely looking at him back. He continued to talk to his friend. I averted by gaze but when I looked back we made eye contact a second time and I grinned with my mouth closed, he did the same back. As I walked by I wondered if I should have said something.


Good, those football players have stopped.

peace.