Guess I don't fit with country folks

I swear people from Benton city have been deleting me on facebook in droves. It seems like anytime I get online to look for people to draw I notice a couple people that aren't my friend anymore and it's almost always someone I knew from highschool.. which makes sense, considering I've been out of highschool for 4 years and out of Benton city entirely for 2.

But do I still like to see what my classmates are up too nowdays? Absolutely. It's fun to see people starting families and moving off in their own directions. Most of the people that delete me were acquaintances in highschool that didn't go to college, so that could have something to do with it-- not that it's really anything to be jealous of. Sometimes I'm surprised to see the people that do have me on their friends lists or like my stuff when I once assumed that they didn't like me at all.

I don't know, I like facebook for many reasons, especially for finding photos to use as models for my sketchbook as well as the positive reinforcement I get for my work. But the friend deleting thing is such a lame if you didn't expect that person to delete you.

Like today I noticed Cortney C. deleted me. 

I always thought she was cool and pretty. She moved to benton city from Arizona during our junior year and I wanted to be friends with her. She's really country though so I guess we didn't connect on anything. Meh. But she's one of these people that used to come up on my newsfeed all the time so I used to like her stuff! It made me feel stupid for trying to be her friend in the first place. 

God, I'm starting to get really nervous about Marshall again. My friend Brad let him out this morning at about 7 am.. it's almost 3 pm and he's not home yet. Hes done this before so I'm not as panicked as the first time this happened. I'm not afraid that he doesn't know his way home anymore but where would he go for this many hours if he's not stuck in somebody's house? 

Ugh I can't think about it. 

School starts on Wednesday. I still haven't gotten my books yet but I plan to take care of it pronto. I might buy them when I go to the gym tonight. 

peace. 

Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

Why are pretty girls so damn difficult

Well tonight sucked.

Friday night. Would I have liked to go out tonight? Yes. But I have no vehicle and though a couple guys asked me out to go drinking I declined. I really just want a girl to go out and have fun with. I texted Allie Thanksgiving weekend and she didn't reply, nor did she the previous times I'd tried. She has no facebook so that's it I guess.

Same thing with her friend Kala. I tried texting her and got no response... I'm sad to say I haven't seen either of them since halloween, November was a really boring month. I just feel like getting ahold of people around Ellensburg has become increasingly difficult for me.. like I'll text people and won't get responses, mainly girls. 

So of course this makes me feel like shit as a person because it's like well what the Hell did I do when in actuality it could be any number of things, such as jealously, orrrr thinking I take myself too seriously, or their lives are too involved with their boyfriends to have any want/need to spend time with other girls. Or most of the their friends that are girls have been their BFFs for a long time.


I've been stuck in this social limbo.... Guys flirt with me a lot so I do get that kind of attention in my day-to-day life and on facebook but hanging out with them is a touchy situation because they think you're interested in them romantically. And even if they know that you aren't they will still try. And I'm flattered by that but I hate feeling like I'm rejecting someone's emotions toward me.. So I feel like that's been the majority of my social life here. Guys that hit me up, I hang out with them once or twice, then they realize I'm not interested that way and/or won't put out and will move on. Very few lasting friendships because they feel hurt by me.


So over the past month or so I really have put some effort meeting and talking to girls.. Like I met that girl Audrey that I thought seemed really cool and tried to meet up with her which didn't work out and haven't been able to get in touch with her since.

That being said I'm going to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.. and try to get some work done, though one thing's for certain I have to get out of this apartment. I spent way too much time studying here and I really thought I'd be going out tonight and I'm feeling creepy....


 Everything else that's actually important is going fine. I got an 85 on my econ test which raised my cumulative grade in the class to a 77 so that's a plus. Guitar solo is going really well and it's almost recital ready.

And I might be getting this beautiful guitar from my friend Michael E. for Christmas! Ahhh! 

peace. 

Completely clean slate, kind of an unreal feeling.

It's weird waking up you no longer like anyone.... and I really mean that this time.

I guess Terry was actually into athlete chicks. Makes sense, he can probably relate to a lot of what she's doing. She's the one to the right of #9 on the left side, she plays for the Oregon Ducks. Seems like the kind of girl that doesn't wear makeup. 

I admittedly did like Terry for a good amount of this last year but knowing that he has a girlfriend now really does give me a clean slate. I'm really surprised that Terry's actually in a relationship, I just figured he didn't want one because of the vibe that he gave off but I guess I'm just not his type. I'm hoping that things can now be less awkward between us now that I know we're just friends.

I did send him a text saying it's cool and I hope things can be more relaxed between us now that I know we're just friends. And still study together for Carbaugh's money and banking tests.

I am completely, entirely uninterested in sports nowdays. Sports is Terry's life. I'm sure sports is this girl's life too. So we'd never work together...

Jay, Jack and Terry were the only three guys that I really liked these past couple years so it feels weird to not have anyone that I like anymore. There is not a soul in the world I can say I am truly attracted to right now in a romantic sense. It feels weird, yet I feel very free. I'm 21 years old man, f**k it I really don't need anyone and haven't for a long time. I just get frustrated when things tend to sort of lean in that direction and then never go anywhere.... then eventually end because I'm just not what they want right now.

I think it's because I'm quite an unusual person... not in a bad way, I mean people that are my friends and acquaintances seem to appreciate my dedication to practice and study-- my life that revolves around self improvement that I have built for myself. In my imagination I live a rockstar lifestyle, ha ha ha. Single, on the road all the time, playing music, talking to a sh*t ton of people, smoking. What more is there. 

Gonna try to get some good practice in for a couple hours, wish me luck at my lesson today. I'd love to get a youtube vid up today if I can.

peace.  

+80 EXPERIENCE POINTS

Hello everyone, today is great. 

Want to know why? Because I've already studied 80 minutes and it's only 7:08 pm.. That means I could actually get more done and not be totally worn out if I wanted too. I'm going to reward myself and play some guitar though.

Yarrrrg, things have become even more passive than before. 

Notice those blankets on the chair? I'm pretty sure that was an indication to me that she doesn't want me using it anymore. Guess who used it anyway because I don't care and need to get work done. I'm sorry that may sound selfish of me but I'm tired of hearing her "sigh" and groan but never actually tell me what the hell her problem is with me. It's almost over. I'm sure she's dying to move out, especially when she's been doing absolutely nothing here aside from school as long as she has. 

I really have no room to talk on that subject in some aspects because I spend a lot of time at my computer doing my own thing as well but at least I have made some sort of an effort to meet people this year. Granted my efforts have been a little futile. Ali texted me tonight saying we need to hang out before the end of the year. We haven't hung out in weeks. I'm happy that we've managed to keep somewhat consistent contact this year and she's a girl I met here. 

But honestly we haven't spent that much time together. Like we've gone to a few parties and usually we'd break off from eachother. The girls that she hangs out with are kind of emotional for my taste. Like they're nice girls, very sweet and caring.. But I just can't keep up. Some girls are just too much for me to handle being around.

Here. Because all of my pictures and posts lately have been boring. Here's a .gif of Emma Watson jumping around. 

Ha ha one of my friends posted this on facebook a long time ago and captioned "I could watch this all day." Granted she's-- straight, well she has a boyfriend so you know what her long term intentions are. But yeah Emma Watson really is gorgeous. I'd like to think she's sort of been one of my look inspirations over the years. I always really liked Hermione in the Harry Potter series too, ha ha people always gave her sh*t for being a nerdy perfectionist and look how she looks now. 

Of course that's a character... Eh, don't care. 

Lol I can't remember if I've already posted this, I'm sure I have.

There's just not much to say tonight guys, I ended up getting a 20/30 on that stats test which SUCKSSSS and I'm not happy about it. Luckily he drops one of the tests so my plan is to do well on the final. Well that's always the supposed plan, ef I thought I'd do well on this test. Gotta work harder.

Terry beat me by 1 fing point. But he got a C. I got a D+. That left a bad taste in my mouth but I talked to a girl that had the exact same problem with the timing as I did and felt better. Her name is Dominique, she's in my speech class but didn't realize she was in my other class as well. 

Uhh yeah that's it guys. Gonna go watch more intervention, guitar, read some econ, smoke my supply and do it all over again tomorrow. The end is near. I'm buckling down a lot now. We've got this week, next week, then finals. Spring quarter's been pretty awesome.

peace.

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

I feel so tall around here.

It's a weird assortment of people here at Central.

For some reason I was half expecting there to be hot guys everywhere... or at least more so than in the Tri cities, but really, there does not seem to be. There really isn't anyone here that I've been attracted to aside from Jason. To be honest I've been more keeping my eyes on girls to make friends that I can go out with on the weekends. That will all come in time. I did meet this one really sweet girl today named Dannah. She comes from Bellingham and she's in my business law class. Maybe we'll stick this out together! Both of us take this really seriously and have similar goals. She's really blonde and pretty.

But yeah.... guys here, I'm sorry to say, lots and lots of short, skinny guys... I don't really know what it is around here, I actually feel tall lately because I'm towering over a lot of guys that I see. Jason's 6'4 so he makes me feel petite. I like our body height differences. I think he's really attractive in a lot of ways and I realize this a lot more now that we're spending time together here. Sometimes his responses are a little cold and indirect, like he'll ask me how my day went... I'll tell him a brief overview and he won't respond about THAT at all, he'll only respond about himself. It'd be nice if he'd recognize what I have to say a little bit. You know, maybe instead of bitching about it I should just be mature and tell him about it. That way he'll know it's bothering me.

There are some cute guys in my accounting class.

Oh that reminds me. HELL-o! Classes started today! I'm happy to say that I like all of my professors, all of which are men this quarter so that's always a plus. My accounting professor liked me immediately, he seemed pretty cool and I like that all of the assignments will be pencil-paper. Managerial accounting is already looking like a fun class, I met another girl in there named Natasha who seemed pretty cool as well. See, first day, BAM! Two new acquaintances! I am definitely making an effort to meet people.

But making an effort to go out? Meh. I went to my classes, came back and did my homework. I wasn't able to get into the math program so I think I'm just gonna jam for the next hour or so and go to bed. I'll probably do a lot more studying tomorrow but I only have ONE class... That's the thing about this quarter, if I am able to manage my time right on my days off there's no excuse for me not to do exceptionally well in all of these classes.

peace.

Jack's new bag.

Check out Jack's new bag.

Look at that big nose on her! Nice thin lips too, just the way you like it. 

And I say "bag" in the most literal sense possible because this bitch literally looks 30. On top of that she looks HUGE. Guess I'm not tall and mammoth enough for him. Of course there's some picture of them together and that was the most recent post on Jack's thing. I can't say for sure if they're together, but knowing him she's probably the hottest thing since sliced bread right now.

So that's it! My first experience with love! Fell in love, got led on and ditched three times. That's a lovely romantic story I'll tell my kids someday; which hopefully will have a father that won't leave me and I'll tell them about how happy I was that I moved on. 

Because I have too. I might only have feelings for one person, but he doesn't have any interest in me back, clearly, or he'd be talking to me and not her. I decided that I'm not going to delete him from my facebook this time. Let him witness the cool stuff I've been up too lately if he gets bored and lonely again. I'm not going to talk to him though, ever. I've said what I need to say, I'm more at peace with myself now with him than I've ever been. I just don't want him talking to me again if he's going to do this, and to be honest I don't think I would... I can never trust his intentions again. 

If he wants to be with ugly girls now though that's his business, it's almost humorous now. She's going to age SO badly, hahahaha, seriously what the Fuck Jack! xD What are you thinking?  

Today I'm planning on going to the park to meet up with Michael Zhang. We're going to tan, maybe I'll make myself a passion tea or something. I haven't played my guitar yet but I played practically all day yesterday. I'll probably just play all evening. 

peace. 

Three hours until my math class... so I'm in the library screwing around.

BUT, I don't feel guilty about this. Luck somehow ended up in my favor this morning. Last night I partied at Faraday's house after work and I brought along my school work so I could save myself a drive into Pasco. When I got to school this morning after getting up and getting ready super early at Faraday's, I find out that I LEFT all my Japanese stuff at home. I was irritated, but decided that I didn't want to drive all the way home. I almost did... I was really close, especially when I realized I also forgot my calculator at home. Luck ended up being on my side though when I overheard that sensee wasn't at school today and that classes were cancelled.

Eureka, no driving home! And on top of that, I had a ton of time to do my math homework. I spent about four hours in the tutoring center studying math and getting the homework assignments that I probably should of done this weekend finished. There were a couple guys sitting across from me that were doing their calculus homework who started talking to me when they noticed my random paper that I had in my binder that had Japanese on it. So yeah, overall, good day so far. Got a lot of math done. That's quite the accomplishment for me.

This weekend Ryan Wolfe randomly showed up at my house after this party that he had gone too, and we sat in his car and talked for like three hours about random crap. He made me laugh sooo hard about things that I don't even know if he realized was that funny. It's weird, we've known eachother since we were really little kids, and that was the first time I ever actually had a conversation with him. The next day I had work at 10 am, and we had been talking until 3 am. I was SO tired.

Whenever I'm in the library and there's somebody on facebook, I wonder how someone would react if I randomly went to THEIR facebook profile and just sat there browsing around. I mean people look at random people's profiles all the time, but how awkward would it be to discover somebody else that just happens to be on yours? If I had the balls to do so, that would be so funny. This girl sitting next to me is Russian, she's so gorgeous. Why are foriegn girls so pretty??

I think it's just about being different. Like, if I went to another country maybe some people would think I'm pretty because I'M foriegn...

Cause we all know how hot American women are known for being. Yes, I know that picture is a fake picture of Britney Spears. hahaha

I'm wondering when the hell I'm supposed to have my next payment in for CBC. I'm gonna talk to the cashier about it now so that my dad knows ahead of time and I don't get screamed at. Makes me cring thinking about dealing with that again.

It's raining out and the bottom of my pants are wet. I had to roll them up and now I look like I complete dork but I don't really care.

yours,

Emily