This dream that gave me a rush of adrenaline.

I can't remember ever having a dream that ever solidified my actual "dreams."

It's 5 am. I woke up just a few minutes ago and laid in bed awake for just moments before I knew I wanted to get up and write about it.

I wasn't up that late last night. Probably went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching hours of the show "Power, Privilege and Justice" where you see these people living extravagant lives in beautiful mansions and usually ending in the husband killing his wife for one reason or another-- either selfish motives because the wife was the heiress to some old money and the husband wanted it or the wife was threatening to take the man's fortune and estate through divorce... I don't know, there were a lot of crazy scenarios in these episodes.

I think having seen the beautiful homes and lavish lifestyles of people-- many of which seemed to be of average intelligence but with hard work and luck landed where they were, triggered something in my mind. This is how the dream went:

I had apparently left Ellensburg and decided to move in with a very wealthy girl somewhere. The house I moved into wasn't like this crazy huge mansion but it was definitely nicer than any place I'd ever envisioned myself living in. It was a two story, beautiful home with a really bright, open living room and a long driveway lit up by small nights. The house was on a cal-do-sac of other beautiful homes, and I'd remember stepping outside to find the trash can and looking next door because some adult man was listening to loud rap music in their nice SUV. I waved at the person who was pulling out of their driveway. I remember thinking, "Wow, these people seem happy...." 

The girl I lived with I don't remember being particularly nice. In fact I remember feeling like the downstairs was more or less her domain but didn't care because I was so thrilled about being able to afford to live there in the first place. I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off. Upstairs was where my bedroom was and this is what really made me excited. It was huge and had two sides-- one side was where my bed and closets were and I had a huge king size bed with a big screen TV mounted on the wall and lush carpet. The other side of the room had tile floor and almost like my own workshop with computers, another large TV that I used as a monitor, and tons of books. There was also a large table in the middle that looked to be once used for assembling things.

And ironically, even if I got the vibe my roommate didn't like me she was happy I had moved in because some closets and spaces in the upstairs still had remnants of the previous tenant that needed to be cleaned out. That was fine with me, I figured it'd be interesting to see what stuff was left there. What I found was a lot of weird shit...

First of all, there were stacks and stacks of what appeared to be manuscripts, documents and books disorderly piled into some of the shelves in my new workroom. There were also boxes of old electronics with labels like "MAC OS--1994" and other random names of gadgets from the 80's/90's from computer companies whose names I'd recognized but figured I'd have no use for. It was then I figured the previous tenant might have been a computer hobbyist of somekind. Another strange thing I saw on that shelf, very distinctly, was baby doll heads that were kind of just randomly lying around. They appeared somewhat old, as I remember them having those "blinky" eyes that close when you tilt them backwards. 

OH, in my large workroom there was also a full size fridge. I figured it was for convenience sake for the probably engineer that had lived there previously. The fridge itself was empty but on top of the fridge there were TONS of almost empty and empty containers used for cookies-- like chips ahoy and remembered also seeing some "generic", store brand cookies. (This I know has to do with an experiment we recently did in my marketing class where we actually did an blind study to see if these particular cookies were substitutable.)

There was also a closet that had a big pile of women's clothes just sitting there, and some tacky posters on the same closet walls. There was also some junky accessories and random nik-naks in there and I remember thinking, "Huh, that'll be fun to sort through later..." 

The girl that I was living with told me that because we were renting the house and would likely have to later lease it to new tenants when we both made enough money or found serious relationships so the house needed to stay nice. She said her last roommate was literally depreciating the value of the house with her projects and endless stream of junk coming into the house that she was afraid to let guests come upstairs. 

So even if the roommate didn't like me I was still completely happy. My parents had come over and I talked about how lucky I was to have moved from "a basement in Ellensburg" to something as cool as this and looked forward to fixing the place up to post pictures on facebook (ha ha). I just kept thinking, wow, my hard work has finally paid off-- I'm so happy I stuck it out and did that finance major.

Okay I'll just stop there because that's when I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes wide open thinking... I literally only have two more classes I'd need to take if I wanted to double major in finance. I could do one of those classes in the Spring and just take one last class in the summer or Fall and take that class alone so no matter how hard it is, even if it's with f*cking Young who takes pleasure in making his classes as insanely hard as possible to weed out the crap, I could still do it. I feel so empowered right now. So determined.

I'm registering for my classes today and I'm really hoping Tenerelli's investment class is being offered in the Spring. If he is I'm definately taking it along with the two classes I need to finish my Econ major and business minor. That being said I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIND A JOB IN ELLENSBURG to save some money. I want to be able to pursue every opportunity I can here and my Dad just keeps getting more and more stressed about the debt I'm accumulating. If I can just make enough money to live off of I will be set.

Today I'm going to write up a second cover letter and edit my resume to make it conducive to getting the floor position at Target that I applied for. I'm also going to call around Ellensburg to ask where people are hiring, if anywhere. I have a good enough handle on my current classes that I feel working and going to school won't be a problem, but Spring might be different. Whatever, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to reach my dreams and goals.

peace.

We're just talking about the future, forget about the past.

Hey all.

It's Friday and my day started out like my last few Fridays; waking up at Travis's house. This time last week I had an assignment due so I was up super early but today we were able to sleep in nice and late. He's soo nice to cuddle with, I feel so comfortable and relaxed with him.

Today he, Vinnie and I went to Fujiyama in Kennewick. It was a really fun show to watch your food being made in front of you! Our chef that came out to make it for us was this really cute guy from Czech that reminded me of Toni (you know me and my fetish for Eastern European men, lmao...) Anyway I'm pretty sure I was blushing the whole time when he was talking to us and doing all the cool tricks and sh*t... It was a fun afternoon.


I dealt cards at the Tin Hat last night and I'm getting better at it every time. There weren't as many guys there this week so the winning pot wasn't as big-- aka less tip $$$. Oh well, I still had fun and Travis bought me two Bloody Marys, which has become my favorite drink ever.

Looking at this picture makes my mouth water. Seriously I could drink myself sick on these things at a bar if they weren't so expensive. 

The bartender at the Tin hat makes an awesome one too.... mm.

So yeah, as you can read I've been feeling pretty good about things. I like Travis a lot. He's funny, intelligent, has his own friends, life, hobbies, etc... The only "issue" (barely) is the driving.The fact that I won't be working at Little Caesars anymore because that'll cut the driving down a lot. Going back and forth to Kennewick to Travis's and then Pasco the next day or worse the SAME day was not working for me. That and it has cut way into my profits.

Oh, I practiced 90 min of guitar today. That was nice, I got really inspired when I heard "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" by ACDC on my way home from stopping at Brad's house on my way back from Travis's this evening. Unfortunately for who-knows-what-fucking-reason considering it's one of the most recognizable riffs EVER.... a good copy of the tab is NOT available on Ultimate-guitar. But feeling some ACDC I picked up Back in Black today!

And Harvester of Sorrow. Also 97 rock inspired. Thanks guys. 

peace. 

Partied like it's 2008

Hello.

It's 10:14 pm and as I sit here writing this I'm being swarmed by fruit flies for who knows what reason. They're probably attracted to the smell of my diet coke or the M&Ms that I'm having for dessert after an awesome tamale dinner that my sister made. Tonight I ate dinner before and after my 3 mile run... lol it's a little progress day in that respect.

I went to a pretty fun party the other day over at Justin's mom's place again. This time it was a pretty different crowd, many of which I hadn't met before. It was a going away party for Lexi who's moving up to Olympia for school soon. She seems like a pretty cool girl-- her girl friends she invited were really pretty; but had all left by the time this picture was taken. The party dragged on really late. I wasn't paying attention to the time and I swear I wasn't in a bed on the floor until 6 am-- crazy!! 

One of Lexi's pretty girl friends was dating a guy named Khai K., a guy I remember being friends with on MySpace and commenting a picture he had posted of Dimebag thinking it was Claudio Sanchez.... As you can imagine it was a roast in response, even stupid bitches that probably couldn't name two songs by Pantera were like "wow ur stupid, its dimebag RIP". Of course I didn't mention the extent that I remembered that interaction on MySpace probably more than 6 years ago.

Today I went into town and delivered a resume to Rue 21 in Kennewick that seemed pretty booked for employees so having Tiffany as a reference wasn't going to help me much. This would have been really discouraging had I not gotten awesome news from Kayla that her boss is considering hiring me if I come to meet him and he likes me. I submitted an application to the Subway she works at earlier and I have a good feeling about it. Tomorrow I am going to meet her manager "Jr" face to face.

Yesterday I was really irritated and depressed when I'd gone to work and asked Brianna if we were getting paid soon and she said that we weren't for another week. I'm almost sure she's wrong.. Like I don't recall getting my check on August 31, but unfortunately because I rarely wrote that month I can't use my blog to recall what I did that day.

I was tempted to call Caesar's today to ask if the checks were there but decided not too. Regardless of being flat out broke cash wise and having no idea how much is in my bank account (it can't be much) I've got enough gas to get me into town tomorrow and to my next shift. I'm hoping Brianna is wrong and I'm stressed out over nothing but if not I'm going to be forced to ask my Dad for money again in the next few days which I'd really like to avoid.

Today I tried again to get a good recording of Aerials but it still sounded muddy. My mom helped me tweak with the amp settings to see which ones sounded best on camera while I was playing and she ended up really liking the "Tweed" sound because it sounds the cleanest-- though seems too twangy sounding for what I'm trying to perform.

I'll show you the attempt I made today that's still not up to my uploading standards as far as sound quality goes. I'm considering trying to dig up the POD out of our shed and try hooking it up to a speaker tomorrow instead of even bothering with the amp anymore because it's clearly not working as well as I want it too:

I have a new crush. I actually thought I might see him today because it was his first day off in awhile but he ended up too exhausted.

peace. 

Fun little day off

The flies in our basement that get in through the garage and fly around the family room have been the biggest pain in the ass living here. They're so obnoxious when they land on you because it feels so dirty, you just don't know what kind of shit that fly had gotten into that day.

So today was a pretty good day. I finished the drawing I did of Jenipher, Kline and their baby and believe it's truly one of the best portraits I've done yet. I got my hour of guitar practicing in as well and am getting so close to having Aerials completely mastered and can be uploaded to YouTube. I've really been focused on NOT reading the music while I'm practicing-- taking off those training wheels that are separating me and guitarists that can just drop jaws wherever they go and pick up an instrument with 0 reference.

Katharine is coming up on Tuesday for her friend's wedding and we're planning on going to the Benton City bar for the first time ("the Tav" now I think, originally the Palm where I swear to God I'd never step foot in, ha ha ha). It's apparently a lot less of a dive now that there's new owners, but my mom said she and my Dad ordered a pizza and two beers there and their tab was about $30!! Lol that's means that their large pizza probably cost 4-5 times what the pizzas I'm making at Little Caesars cost and likely have the exact same ingredients. That's economies of scale at work-- we're creating a mass number of pizzas so we can sell them for $5 each and still make profit where at a bar if they sold them for that cheap they would make no money because of the time and effort a single person would have to put into making the pizza when they could be selling drinks. How business works is so fascinating to me.

So yeah taking a Benton city bar run will be a funny ass time, visiting with Katharine is pretty enjoyable in general and we've got a lot to catch up on.

Kayla and Kevin were going to the fair tonight and Kayla wanted to know if I was going (unfortunately, no. It costs $25 to just park and get in the door, not to mention the gas to get there and the fortune I'd have to spend to go on any rides). A part of me wanted to go of course but it just wasn't gonna happen. I've been trying to live as cheaply as possible lately to save some of the money regardless of the money I spend on gas just to get to work.

Here's the kitchen from the Brady Bunch. Veda W. posted this and it gave me a nice fuzzy feeling to look at this. I love the 1970's decor, reminds me of estate sales and time spent rummaging through dead people's stuff with my Dad! Happy memories. 

peace.

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when 

Best. F^%$ing. Line. in this Mastodon song "All the Heavy Lifting" that I absolutely love to listen to when I need an extra push during my runs around town. I joke that with all the pizza and beer I've consumed this summer I'm not even running to get in better shape, I'm running to stay in the same shape!! 

Anyway, what's up guys? It's Wednesday morning. I had the last two days off which I spent doing the usual, but did have a nice evening last night for my cousin Graham's going away party so I'll start out by telling you about that. 

This might look like any other picture of cousins taken over the years (Minus Rachel who's in Mexico for a mission) but there's more behind the fact that it's being taken. 

I feel like things have changed for the better  in our family because of the effort I've made to keep in touch with my grandmother regardless of the painful situation that occurred primarily between my Dad and Ty a few years ago that basically took my Dad out of the picture entirely. I know my Grandma didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I just think it more or less has comes down to my Grandma not wanting to deal with life alone after my Grandpa died and when Ty was willing to come in and take over the finances she was all for it. 

For about a year after that last cherry harvest where Ty wanted to fire me for messing up our already inefficient ticket system, I had no contact with anyone on that side of the family. I remember passive-aggressively making a point to my aunt how much I didn't like them by posting a status a following Thanksgiving when my Mom's side was visiting that it was "The best Thanksgiving ever." My aunt Teri and I got in an argument over Facebook shortly after and I deleted and blocked everyone on that side of the family for about a year. 

It wasn't until about Winter of my second quarter at Central when I started dealing with some major anxiety that I started trying to patch things up with my family. I started calling my Grandma when I was trying to come down from major panic attacks and her talk of mundane, day to day life would kind of put me at ease. She loves to talk so that kind of helped rebuild our relationship after not talking for two years. Since then my relationship with the rest of my family has been pretty good. We just entirely
avoid talking about the kind of sad and obvious stalemate that has occurred between my Dad and his family and just hope there can be some kind of resolution someday. 

Graham's going away party was actually a send-off for bootcamp with the Navy. He's going to Illinois to get his ass kicked, basically. But we're all really proud of him and he seems more than ready. It's pretty incredible, Graham lost 90 lbs in the last year by keeping a food diary and exercising in order to suit his recruiters needs. Only someone who really wants something could do that because losing significant amounts of weight is so hard, especially when you've had kind of the same build your entire life. So yeah I have no doubt he'll do great. 

The party was at my aunt Teri's house and she was cooking a lot of Dominoes (here I am eating pizza again!! I swear to God this summer I've been on the pizza diet...!). Teri, Traci, Grandma, Tiffany, Avery and I were all standing around the table chatting. One thing that came up a couple of times that stood out to me was the sudden death of a young Benton City woman that suffocated sleeping on a memory foam mattress. My Grandma went to the funeral because the family of the woman that passed is LDS and she is actually the older sister of a guy I graduated with. Very sad. 

....I can't help wonder if they'll file a lawsuit against temperpedic. 

I think the biggest highlight of the evening was that my uncle John and I actually related on something-- and this is a family member I've honestly never talked more than small talk bullshit to in my life! He asked me if I was returning to Central in the Fall and I told him that I'd decided to stay back and work full time for a quarter instead. 

When I told him I'd be "returning to business school in the Winter..." he asked me "So are they going to raise or lower the prime rate soon?" He was trying to see if I knew my shit and I wanted to seize the opportunity. I paused for a second... my mind was like 'God, think, Prime rate, interest, Carbaugh's class..." and I responded "The interest rate the federal reserve charges to borrow money? I'm not quite sure what they're doing now." 8-) Ha ha ha, Hell yea. I could have just bullshit and said they were going to lower it to increase spending if I wanted to sound like a real hotshot but I honestly don't know the REAL answer to that question. 

I told him that someday I want to go into forecasting stocks and portfolio building and he said he wanted to be an analyst himself if he hadn't become an engineer. He's bought and sold stocks before so I could probably learn a lot talking to him about his experience with it. 

I'm just dying to start playing around with buying and selling stocks on E-trade but before that happens obviously I've gotta MAKE some money. As of right now I'm flat ass broke and have been for a couple days. I've got a paycheck waiting for me at Caesar's but it's not worth the drive to Pasco to get it when I can just pick it up today when I go to work. 

With my little 3 and 4 hour shifts my paycheck is going to be puny as all Hell. I'm probably just going to keep out $40 in cash, try and stretch that as long as possible and put the rest of it away. I really need to start applying for other jobs. Things have just been coming up so I haven't had a chance yet but I think seeing my first paycheck will *really* motivate me. 

peace. 

Bored ass friday night. (My Mom's out partying and I'm sitting at the computer lol)

Hi. Soo, my day was going relatively well until I made this idiotic decision to buy the direct download of the Sims 2 Seasons expansion from Amazon and accidentally ordered the Sims 3 version. There's $16 down the toilet for nothing. Tomorrow I've got to put the $60 cash I've been hanging onto in my wallet back into my debit card because I now have no clue how much is in there. ...Stupid, stupid... 

Hate wasting money.

I do have some really good news though! I got a job interview at Maverick. This guy Brad called and asked me a few questions like whether or not I've got a reliable source of transportation and how long I'll be sticking around and what not. Every time I've gone to Maverick the people that work there seemed really friendly so I'd be happy to get the chance to work there.

They're open 24 hours so I should get a good number of hours if I let them schedule me whenever. I'd be fine with that, I've been sleeping at weird times lately anyway and would like to have some kind of routine again even if it's night shifts. It's going to feel nice to finally make some money and buy lots of new clothes for my last quarter in college.

Andrew and I are gonna be GAY amd MERRY at the Sance faire tomorrow!! 

Today was pretty boring. I finished painting the benches in the backyard and played guitar. I've been doing quite a bit of that lately. I'm going to exercise after I finish writing this and probably go to bed considering it's 10:30 and I've got a fun day planned tomorrow! Andrew C. scored me a vendor pass to get into the renaissance faire so I'm very excited to be getting in free this year. The fair is always a blast. I love going anywhere that people are dressed up in costume and some are taking it really seriously, lol. I've got a gypsy costume my mom helped me put together today.

Oh jeez I did have something interesting happen the other day. Dalton and I hung out for the first time the other evening. I invited him and Darren over to chill for a bit and we all just talked while the TV was on. Darren M. has been in town from Texas and staying at Jon K. house (which I passed like 6 times when I was working out at the orchard).

Dalton's going into his Junior year of college so has taken some business credits like accounting 251 and 252 so I was quite impressed. We kind of both related on the fact that we thought accounting's boring but it was fun to learn at the time. Darren is in the military so he was telling us about that style of life and how you live according to certain protocol but still do get a lot of free time. He was dating a girl for quite awhile and they'd just broken up so he brought her up a lot. You can tell she's still on his mind and might have come to Washington to not think about it, who knows.

Anyway I'm gonna get going. Dance time!! woo

peace. 

My life be like ooo aaaa

Today is going to be nice. For the first time since I've been back my parents are going to Olympia for my Dad's business trip and won't be back until Thursday night. I'm planning to have a friend over this evening that I haven't seen since... Christmas break I think?

It's 10:38 am and I need a shower. My Dad is going to keep me busy today with some projects like watering the plants and painting some benches. That'll be nice, I like having the chance to listen to some music, exercise and get tanner. I'd like to give myself a manicure at some point today after I play in the dirt, I hate when my nailpolish is half chipped off.

Yesterday was fun. I got paid and made about $170 from only 3 days of working, that's pretty damn good, especially considering how easy and enjoyable my job was. My Dad went out to his cousin's house yesterday and apparently this dipshit didn't make proper records of his worm spraying so the USDA marked the fruit "tainted" and unfit for regular grocery store produce sections. He's got an entire orchard of perfect cherries that he would make no profit hiring people to pick. He'll probably go out of business because of his own laziness.

He, my Dad and a few other people were apparently out there yesterday picking everything they could to be sold to different warehouses that decontaminate the cherries for canning and frozen desserts. They're only going to sell for $3 a bin or something ridiculously low like that and he'll be lucky to break even. What a dumbass.

I started drawing my first family portrait yesterday and it looks really good. I know the person I'm drawing it for has wanted one of him for a long time so this will be even better.

peace.

Successfully Slacked off this Spring break, feeling ready now.

There is no denying that my time spent at home is serious relaxing.

It's Thursday evening and I plan to drive back tonight. As always I'm leaving home with a lot more than I came in with. Earlier this week my Mom and I went into town and bought a couple pairs of professional pants, a few pairs of shoes (two pairs of black heals, one pair of everyday tennis shoes that I needed badly because my other black ones are wearing out) and a couple cute tops and a button up blazer. She has a good eye for things. I feel like my wardrobe has expanded a lot already this year just by being less picky and allowing myself to wear more of a variety of things. 

I've been really lazy about taking care of myself or things that I need to do when I'm at home. Being here makes me feel really unmotivated. Partially because my stuff is strewn around the house, also because I'm not on my normal diet and feel groggy from too much over processed food and aspartame in diet coke that's always around here. I feel like a slob and have for the last four or five days but know that I've needed this time to relax my mind before things get crazy again. 

This upcoming quarter will likely be my hardest yet. I'm taking my capstone class for my economics degree, a finance class that I have a lot of pressure to understand considering I dropped it last quarter (plus I'm trying to get an auditing internship in the summer) and a forecasting class that's not going to be a cakewalk by any means-- the program that I'm going to be learning to use is completely foreign to me. 

Then I might also have a job at Subway which will add more to my agenda. I haven't gotten a call about starting work yet... I did get a new phone at the Sprint store the other day so I'll actually be able to hear if my manager calls. That phone was loooong overdue for a replacement. It's going to be nice to not have a phone that Terry and Kevin can't make fun of anymore.

Having gotten my tax return and these nice new things has been the highlight of my spring break. Most of my time has been spent at home either drawing or practicing guitar while watching videos. I fixed up my resume a bit and need to write a cover letter to finish the application for an auditing internship over the summer. It sounds exciting, I'm hoping what I've done so far is sufficient.

I just get so unmotivated when I'm here. Most days I usually don't shower until hours past noon and don't bother to put on makeup because it's not like I'm going to see anyone except my family. Over time this makes me feel more and more antsy and stircrazy. Feeling this way makes me feel angry and I end up taking it out on people around me because my Dad can be really high strung as it is, obviously. 

So yeah, it's been nice to be back and relax for a week but these next few days will be spent preparing for the quarter and trying to find some sort of routine again back in Ellensburg. 

peace. 

 

Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

Hot buttered rum

Afternoon everyone.

My Dad seems to be on some pissed off rampage and keeps yelling the f word. Earlier today he came in and started going off about the car costing such-and-such amount to fix and he "doesn't know what we're going to do!!!" and that he keeps having to "$hit money" for everyone. Granted yes not having my car has been a pain in the ass for everyone but because my mom hasn't been working I've been able to use her van these past couple weeks. 

Last night I went over to Tyler D.'s place and hung out with him, Logan, Logan's girlfriend (and Tyler's sister) Julie, Julie's best friend and Tyler's mom. It was a really chill, enjoyable time.

Julie (right) and her best friend that was there last night (left). 

They both have pretty outspoken, outgoing personalities and the more we drank the more Logan, Julie and her friend were bouncing off eachother's jokes and Tyler and I were comparably quiet. Regardless it was a great time, last night I tried "hot buttered rum" which is basically a product that looks like cannabutter that you mix with a hot cup of rum and it gives the rum a creamier, smoother texture similar to coffee. 

So let me back up of how I got to Tyler's house in the first place...

As you guys know I've had the past couple days off. Tyler and I had wanted to go see Five Finger Death Punch this summer and realizing I'm not moving out until the 24th makes me realize the only thing between me and seeing that show is $47. To be honest Tyler could care less about FFDP's new music... and I can only name a few songs by them from memory-- though I'm sure I hear more of them on 97 rock then I realize.

Damn I want to go.... I'd of course also want to buy a t-shirt to have as an addition to my quilt... there goes another $25. . .  With my mom without a job right now, my car messed up, my Dad under stress, having to pay Jacob for the end of September, and me wanting to have more than $500 to start the year off with, I just don't see it happening. 

We'll see, I still have 6 days and I'm undecided. 

Tyler and I went to the mall yesterday and I picked up my paycheck, we drove over to Music machine where I dropped my instrument off to get re-set and strung, and got some lunch at red robin. It was a really nice afternoon and I got some stuff done that I needed to do but haven't been able to get into town. We did also wander around the mall a little bit. I bought my first day of school shirt at Hot Topic.... ha ha ha.

Alright you guys I'll talk to you later. 

peace. 

Seeing things more optimistically

I try anyway.

Well right now I'm in the process of probably killing my poor computer again by downloading the Sims 2. I just got a new hard drive with higher capacity so I have noticed that it is running faster now then it did before.  That could be kind of short lived if I start in with the Sims junk, but whatever I'm going to enjoy my computer. This game is from what, 2006? It should be easy to download and play without problems. I'm in the process of creating a whole new town with new residents (which are always quite accurate if I do say so myself). I've got to be careful with the downloading custom content because that's what always leads to problems. Trusted sources only.

Today's been a pretty productive day, but there is no telling how this will turn out.... I went to rite aid this morning to talk to my manager and she got me set up in the computer. I can't remember her name, but I do know she's from Toronto, Canada and likes math. I already like her more than I initially liked Dana to be honest with you. Dana was always kind of feisty but I never had any real issues with her. Anyway, got into Rite Aid, met up with her.. She told me that I needed my drivers license and social security card to scan in the computer before going to get my drug test. Alright, no problems, those two things are always in my wallet, right...? NOPE. Had to run home and get the card, I knew exactly where it was too because I had just applied to JCPennies yesterday. Dad's office. If it would have been on my bedroom counter I would have spotted it this morning and wouldn't of had to make the extra trip but hey, whatevvvvver.

Coming home did give me a chance to deliver my Mom's cell phone back to her office and give my sister the debit card to go grocery shopping. I'd told her this morning that I was planning to go even though I didn't want to and my sister was like "No I'M going grocery shopping, I always do." I'm like Hey, no problems!! ha ha, sooner I could get done with my drug test the sooner I could get home and practice my guitar and enjoy a little relaxation.



Yesterday I played tennis with this guy named Lois that I've never mentioned. My mom has says numerous times that he's chill and I had heard that he was really athletic so I invited him to play tennis with me yesterday. This was of course after some brief conversation about guitar and some other things. He just graduated but he's 19. Anyway it was chill hanging out with him and like I expected he picked up tennis immediately. Some people are just good at sports in general and I was dying to get out and play yesterday.

My a** hurts... and my calves. Tennis is pretty strenuous on the body but I had a blast playing yesterday. Lois and I played a few games but didn't even finish a whole match because we both got tired. But yeah I'd never even met him before, I mean obviously because he was in my sister's graduating class and that seemed a lot younger than me but as I've gotten older I've stopped worrying about it. I'm very non-discriminatory about who I talk to and hang out with as long as they're not dangerous or very stupid.

That's all I have to say, really. Hopefully the test went well... I really do enjoy my job and what I do in my personal time should not dictate my position in the working world. I am a very hard working, honest, responsible person that gets shit done and that's what employers want. If this doesn't go well I'll have to keep looking.

peace.

When your brain hits the frantic button

I had the most ridiculously difficult statistics test today. I studied nearly 6 hours for it total, if not more... I felt like half that time was spent just reading the concepts over and over to just try to wrap my head around what the hell they were talking about. 

I felt like I was doing great on the test until the Sipic said "10 minutes" when I was on problem 16 out of 32. Need I say more?

New approach to finishing stats tests, and math tests in the future..... 

LOOK at the problem, read it. Read it AGAIN. 

Figure out what kind of problem it is.

Don't really look at answers.

Apply equation.

Check algebra. 

Instead I was doing... (*when I realized I was running out of time that is)

Read problem

Look at answers

Try to draw some conclusion and feel a little overwhelmed when the answer didn't stick right out at me (obviously)

Rewrite the f'ing information in the question...

Then find the equation.

Feel pressed for time.

Try to apply equation.

Feel like I'm wasting too much time.

Sloppily apply arithmetic.

Circle closest answer.

It was miserable!! Ha ha, though on the bright side I know I DID get some right answers just from studying the hell out of the material these past few days. I'm hoping that works as a buffer from completely failing the test because that's embarrassing. 

I want an A in that class sooo bad. I want to do super well on that final so I'm going to spend these next couple weeks really solidifying the concepts we've been covering over and over and over again. That's why it's so frustrating is because I can see it coming together but with this kind of math you have to try it again and  again before you actually know it. 

The lame thing about today is that I skipped econ to study for stats but I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and a half after I studied for an hour. I feel like the better option would have been to take a rhodiolla and kept working. That probably would have gotten it to the level that I would have needed to do well on the last 5-6 problems that I pretty much threw away by guessing. 

So yeah sometimes even if I think I've fully prepared myself things can still throw me for a loop. 

Well I had the coolest thing happen today! 

After my friend Matt stopped by at around 6' I finally rallied enough to go grocery shopping. My Mom wrote me a check that I can't switch over to my account until the 25th but until then I am officially BROKE. Lol I had to use that cash today before I spent it on a slice of pizza or something at North because I've been eating away at my food surplus the past couple weeks. That's been a good experience for me in itself because I feel like I was too wasteful at the beginning of the year but that's because I made crappy choices on what I was buying.

$19.94.

When I saw that was the total I was so stoked, like I felt like I had just won the price is right. I had gone through at store in about a half hour. I'm not kidding, it was so fast because I didn't want to give myself time to look around. 

Oh, and I saw Sipic in the f*ing store, I'm not even kidding right now. I was just thinking "Good God I do not want to make small talk with you right now." Especially after I felt like a complete dork because I was the lasttttt one in class to finish that damn test and kind of took advantage of the time constraint. Again, why does this matter to me what so ever? I can't tell you.

Well Terry had no problem acting like a dick today, like always. We actually texted quite a bit today because I'm sure he was pissed off about the test as I was. Lol it's so funny any time we get done with tests one of us will text eachother like "How'd you do?" Next quarter we're going to be in two classes together, with two of the same professors that we had this quarter. I'm excited that I'll have no problem staying motivated in the fall if we can manage to keep this up. 

I think that's why we never get too close... is because neither of us want to lose this. It's like I'll try to be kind of flirtatious with him occasionally but his responses are usually kind of vague. I kind of like to think of Terry as more than someone I just study with and use as a tool of motivation because there is still some weird part of me that likes him. Or maybe I just like the overall outcome of being around him. It feels fantastic to have someone as competitive as I am to fuel my fire. 

The high point of my day was getting in contact with someone and getting their number completely unexpectedly. Well that and my friend Matt came over. Yeah it wasn't a terrible day. All I know is I wanted to write and I need to study econ.

peace. 

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.

4/20, not doing much but thinking this year

Yeah not much word from Terry at all this weekend. I'm not going to say that I'm not disappointed, I thought after this week of being pretty friendly with eachother that he'd want to take the time to hang out again. I guess not. I'm not really worried about it but I am a bit disappointed because I got ready tonight and have nowhere to go. I went to Bradley's house for about 20 minutes because I said I'd stop in but I was kind of feeling emotionally drained.

Today I dyed my hair. Originally I was going to dye it BLONDE-- which would have been a nightmare almost inevitably. Better leave that to professionals if I ever wanted to lighten up.

I just took this a second ago and decided to upload it. This is me being a shut in on 4/20, a day I thought for sure I'd be out doing something. OH well at least I have facebook and my blog to keep me company. I'm wondering how Ashley's classes are going, it's about time I give her a call before I start my week. Ha ha she's like my counselling session, I call her and I feel better about my overall outlook on things.

I've had someone on my mind lately. She hasn't responded to my message and it's been a few days so I was like, "Huh..." but then I realized it was her birthday this weekend which makes me think she hasn't had easy access to her facebook inbox. I told her she should text me in the message with my number and I hope she does, I was quite honestly intrigued by our message exchange recently; like I'm excited to get to know this person and I'm hoping she doesn't pull back from me like she did in highschool because I was probably quite loud when she didn't say boo, ha ha ha.

I really more than anything want a chance to listen to her and ask her questions.

Yesterday I got a text message from Abe saying that he apologized for our situation... like, how we abruptly stopped talking after I flipped out on him. I can't really blame him for not wanting to deal with me at the time. I was dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety and baggage that probably made me come off as a more pessimistic person than I am today.

Anyway we kind of updated eachother on what we've been up too and Abe was asking about whether or not I was doing a minor. He said that getting a minor does not necessarily mean having to take a ton of additional classes like I thought it would. I am going to check out the different minors offered one of these days. I should probably also fill out an application to the college of business at some point. Will I take classes this summer? I don't know.

I think I just need to get a job. Seriously it's getting a little silly that I haven't found one, I'm looking around and starting to realize this. I'm tired of feeling kind of guilty spending my money which I've been quickly depleting lately because I've been putting more effort into my looks.

If I was earning some money I could buy more stuff... like nailpolishes, makeup, clothes, maybe some jewelry here or there, perfume... I've become more conscious about how I present myself, especially posture. Just having awareness and presenting myself well is going to do me a lot of good. Yet it's somehow not enough for the guys that I'm generally really attracted to? Ha ha, I mean seriously I think Terry's just blowing me off. Maybe he really does just want to study with me on the weekdays and that's it. Maybe he's just totally over spending time with me. Blughhh I can't think about that, it's so stupid.

I just have to remember this-- Whatever happens with Terry, if nothing else from this day forward, it was still an extremely useful encounter in my life because he was part of the reason I switched my major which will highly influence my career setting for the rest of my life. So in the most likely event that we will both graduate, take our own paths and never see eachother again, I'm at least happy for what has occured over these past couple months. It's really boosted my confidence to know that I've really got a clear cut long term goal that I'm working toward.

I was never that excited about human resource management.

peace.

Need or want? (well obviously want....)

Morning everyone.

Weird that I'm writing this early, isn't it? Well it's Sunday so that's usually how things go. I'm usually hanging around the house doing little chores, practicing, and studying. Today's already been pretty good because I re-read the first chapter of Statistics for the third time and did the individual multiple choice questions at the end of the chapter. Apparently Sipic's tests are multiple choice as well so I'm off to a pretty good start for week 1.

Today I'm also planning on doing the multiple choice questions. Terry got those done two days ago and met with Carbaugh to check to see if the questions were right so I'm going to do the same. I remember thinking that was a really good idea last quarter but never actually got to it. His office is right after my class that ends at 10 so I'll be able to stop in tomorrow morning. The first test is probably going to be on either Thursday or Friday morning.

This month the guitar is going to be really big with practicing my guitar because I have my first big recital on the 24th and that damn song has to be like... second nature. Like I should be able to sing along with it if I wanted too. Granted I won't because that would sound silly. BUT. It needs to be THAT memorized, and starting tomorrow I will have 23 days to accomplish this.

Nylon string classical guitars have a standard look but different body shapes and ring designs around the hole. I personally like this one because of the drop on the right and the very plain border hole versus something gahdy looking. 

I was such a jerk, I dropped my acoustic on the ground a couple days ago and I've been too lazy (and haven't wanted to spend the time and money) to get a new string put on at Boogie man. My Grandpa's poor guitar is in danger of breaking down, I'm afraid. So I get nervous to continue using it. I borrowed Kat L.'s guitar which is an Ibanez and I have not been able to finger pick very accurately on it because the strings are much closer together than my Grandpa's classical. I have decided that tomorrow I am going to bring Grandpa's acoustic to Boogie Man, get the D string restrung and hopefully get a proper diagnosis on whether or not I should continue playing it at these extensive hours.

So I need a new classical nylon string acoustic before the bridge rips off of my Grandpa's. Or do I. Do I really need it or do I just want a new guitar?

My intuition actually tells me that I just want a new guitar, and to go get it restrung Tuesday for $10. Fair enough. I don't want to ask Terry for help on it. He's an experienced guitarist himself so he will know it's so lame of me to not be able to do this anyway. Believe it or not though classical guitars are some of the hardest to restring and messing with it myself will almost inevitably lead to unnecessary scratches.

Anyway I'm gonna get going. Got more stuff to do. My phone's pretty much toast because I spilt water on it last night, ugh! Technology is really eating a hole in my pocket lately

peace. 

Date #2... I curse too much

I can honestly say I curse too much, and it gets a lot worse when I'm home because my Dad curses all the time and I pick up on it. My mom told me, "You can control what you say, why are you blaming this on us?" I've admittedly been in a hell of a mood this morning. I've been high strung and driving my Mom nuts like I sometimes do in the morning. I just took a chill pill so now I'm realizing how temperamental I was acting this morning and feel bad.... I'm going to stay in my room the next few hours and not talk to anyone for this reason. Give everyone a break from... me!

Last night Brendan drove alllll the way here. I didn't even meet him in Prosser. We didn't hang out for very long before we went into town to buy some Christmas gifts with money that's sitting in my checking account that I thought was to pay for my classes next quarter but my Mom said I could spend. I'm going to double check with my Dad on this. I hadn't used that debit card in awhile because I was waiting for that $2500 to get out of there. In actuality, that money IS mine... it's just supposed to be for living on my own and the expenses that come with it. Not on just whatever the Hell I want. I do have $400 or so in there that is technically mine from working at Rite Aid.

So that's obviously very good news. I'm going to talk to my Dad about it... When he told me about the money I thoughthe said specifically, "But you CAN'T spend it..." maybe he'd just meant on alcohol, clothes, makeup and other fun stuff.... I should try to buy my books online today. Books are stupid expensive. Last quarter wasn't terrible for me because my pre-calc book AND my accounting book sold back.

Anyway about my date. I lost track of what I was talking about. Brendan and I went to Sushi Ya and bought some of the best Korean BBQ I've had in the Tri cities. Brendan told me, "Emily you're so cultured and classy but you cuss a lot!" He's right, I felt really embarrassed and then my cursing got 10x worse throughout the night. so bad. He doesn't seem to mind it but it makes me feel gross.

I'm thinking of cancelling my Yelp account and re-doing a lot of my reviews. I'm pretty sure my last review didn't give it justice. Brendan and I were on a mission to get my Dad a grey shirt for Christmas to go with something Mom bought him. Technically I bought it so that'll be the present to my Dad, haha. We picked it up at Target where I saw Samantha!

She looked great working there, she told me seasonal is ending soon so a bunch of people are going to be laid off. I'm hoping she's not one of them, again. I'm sure I've mentioned this a couple times on here.

I'm going to play a better amount of guitar today than I have in the last three days. I do plan to go to Mizu sushi later this evening after I pick up Hannah. It's already almost 12' and I'm meeting Hannah at 5' so I better get on practicing.

peace.

I feel like such a mooch at times.

I just checked my balance on my Sterling account. I got down into the 600's, which is not where I like to be, especially when I came here with $1,200 but that's life.. it's expensive.

I spend more money on food than anything, but I have to be careful of these extra expenditures that I don't really need. I think the best way to avoid extra expenses is to take better care of my stuff, try to use things in moderation, and try not to be wasteful. My second biggest expense is my guitar lessons at $80 a month which is expensive as fuck for me right now because I'm not making any money... And I hate asking for it.

I couldn't possibly get a job... I'd be impossible for me with the amount of studying that I absolutely HAVE to do to do well on my tests at all. Like I don't think a lot of people understand that school doesn't come easy for me, I have to study many, many hours to do as well as I do. I'm not someone that can "wing" tests, if I try to wing things I fail. My brain rarely instinctively gives me the right answers using common sense, I have to know it hours before I begin the test.

My body is fragile in a lot of ways... if I'm on my feet working for a few hours there's no way I would be able to come home and study. I remember when I'd come home from days at Rite Aid and I would just sit and play guitar for hours on end to bring myself down from the stress/exhaustion of the day.

That being said, my parents are pretty much paying for everything here.... So I live with an incredible amount of guilt and shame because of how my Dad makes me feel whenever I spend money. It doesn't even matter if the guitar helps regulate my emotions, I feel like I'm disappointing my Dad and using him even if it's one of the only things I spend money on.

Because I don't party-- I never spend money on alcohol. I don't really go out to eat. I don't buy clothes for myself and half my jeans don't fit. I don't rent movies or go out to the movies at all. I don't smoke cigarettes. I have never been to a bar. I rarely go out. I don't drive. Yet I'm guilty, guilty for being alive.

It's 9:46 AM. I've got a huge amount of work to do today.

blughhhhhhh

Here's my to-do list:

-Groceries (I have no milk and need a bunch of other things, damn it..)

-Pick up my Connection card that I left at boogie man....

-Math Assign 13.. Which I don't understand so I'm going to have to go to the tutoring Center for it after I get back from grocery shopping

-Legal quiz 

-Guitar for 2 hours...

-Then my lesson at 5:30 pm.

-Accounting formula flashcards Chapter 15

If I can get alllll that done, I would really like to see Jed this evening. Probably not, though, we'll see. I'm assuming he's busy too since we're now in

WEEK 9.

..which means we're really, really coming down to the end which means the hardest work here in the next couple weeks.

I'm kind of feeling nervous and anxious about all the shit I have to do today. Probably means I should smoke and get started.

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace.