Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

Second panic attack, starting improvisation...

Today went well, I ended up getting done with everything I needed, even my math.

I did sort of crummy on my legal quiz, I only got a 63% which is the lowest score that I've gotten but the material right now is sooo painfully boring. We're studying contract laws. Honestly I could probably get away with skipping the next lecture because I've got the quiz done but I hope I can better understand this chapter and it'll help me on the final.

Guitar lessons went well today! Jacob gave me an MP3 of chords to play over with Pentatonics scales. He made me try it on the spot today, which was really hard to do because I'm always afraid I'm going to sound horrible. Luckily I'd studied the scales well enough this week that it didn't sound *too* bad, but I'm still looking forward to working on it this week. Jacob always seems to know exactly what I need to advance on the guitar. He also sent me a couple classical pieces to work on this week so that'll be fun. One of them is really easy-- Greensleeves, a song I actually learned for solo ensemble back in 7th grade. The second song is called "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring" or something like that. It's by Bach, and should be fun to play as well.

I had a really bad panic attack today. I felt it coming on, I was sitting down to study for my legal class and it came on extremely bad. I called Ashley and she talked me down from it so well.. She's such a good person to call for that, she knows all about the symptoms of panic attacks so she let me know that everything I was experiencing was normal.

This panic attack was particularly scary because I had really bad numbness and tingling in my hands. Ashley told me this was because all the blood was rushing to my brain because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. That being said, I should no longer smoke in high pressure situations... I had a lot of things I had to do today so I was pretty stressed about it and ended up smoking which probably was the ultimate cause of my panic attack.

I'm so excited to go home for many reasons.... First of all, to go to the doctor to discuss my panic attacks and get some Xanex to help get it under control. Secondly, I'm hoping to fill a prescription on Differin, my old acne medication that will help me better control my acne. It's still bad enough that I need prescription strength, it's just a shame it's so expensive. And third, getting my tattoo done with Katelynn!

It's going to be an excellent Thanksgiving weekend if I can get all this taken care of. I'm going to figure out what my finals schedule is so I can determine if I'll have Monday and Tuesday to study or not. If that is the case, I wouldn't mind just spending the whole weekend at home, study free aside from flashcards...

Alright well, I'm gonna work out and go to bed. Even with the panic attack it was a good Thursday. Tomorrow's laundry day.

peace. 

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.