Ears ringing teeth clicking ears ringing teeth clicking

My 22nd year is off to a good start.

I'll back up a little. My Mom came over for my birthday and we had dinner, talked, laughed,.. had a really good time. She also brought Miranda and I got to see how'd she react in my apartment. She was fine of course, it's definitely a good place to own a pet (if it was allowed) and she'd probably even be safe going outside and playing down by the river. But yeah, no, not gonna happen. I realize that I don't want the responsibility of having a pet here either because it's just one more thing to distract me.

Classes went well today. I've got an upcoming quiz in money and banking, which is luckily the class that I'm feeling the most confident in aside from still behind on the wall street journal articles. Tomorrow I plan to cut the articles that I need out and paste them somewhere for easy reference. Something about messing with a newspaper makes me frustrated.

I had managerial econ with Ghosh today and I guess we're not going to have lecture for a couple weeks so I'll have even more time to understand all of this reading material he's assigned-- excellent. I also realized today that I'm going about his classes wrong-- I need to print out his overheads that he explains in class so I can spend my time actually listening instead of trying to keep up with him with notes. It's impossible, he talks too fast and changes subjects frequently. Now that I understand this I'm actually looking forward to his next class (Thursday the 17th) to actually hear everything he's trying to tell us.

Fan 4ever. 

Terry of course sits by me in that class and I've noticed that he gets especially bored and likes to draw ugly pictures of weird muscle guys and write things to me on my textbook. Today he also started a tic-tac-toe game with me. I lost and he wrote "Rookie". I responded "I didn't waste time playing that stupid game growing up" and he's like "You missed out." I'm like "Bullshit. Pokemon is awesome." Ha ha ha.

Oh speaking of Pokemon! That X and Y game is coming out soon... Damn I didn't even play Black/White, can't believe they're coming out with a new gen already. I'm over here still playing SoulSilver because of my painstakingly slow method of playing this game (I take elite four training with exp. share to a new level... I'm pretty sure I've been through that shit 115 times) that I'm still partially convinced might be my last because of changes that will come in the next few years....

Anyway Pokemon X and Y graphics are sooo beautiful, in battle you can actually see the moves being cast. Charizard apparently now has a 4th evolution which I am indifferent about but hey.

I did an hour of successful meditation today after my economics class and afterward studied Managerial for a solid 30 minutes and practiced guitar for so I was happy about that. Usually I'm unable to get anything done between classes. I either sleep or waste time on the internet.

Some people (or just my friend Wiley, not sure yet) are driving up to Ellensburg tomorrow and we're going to hit the bars around here. Should be fun. Wiley brought it up to me out of the blue and I'm like Hell yea if you're willing to drive up here please do. I'm hoping he does bring some people along because I always enjoy a crowd but if it's just us that's fine too. Wiley's such a chill and enjoyable guy to talk to, Hell if he's the only one that comes I'd have no problem just bullshitting over some beer at the Tav. Sounds like a great time to me.

Guitar lesson went really well. Jake said I've improved significantly since I've started forcing myself to memorize music. He also send me this article:

http://www.wikihow.com/Use-the-Law-of-Attraction

Law of Attraction. He'd mentioned this before and I thought it was just supposed to be used for attracting the opposite sex but it's WAY more than that. It's so incredible and simple, I feel enlightened by reading it but cannot describe this further until I try to experiment with it tomorrow....

peace.

Listened to Purity ring on a couple of my bike rides today. Lol I don't know what it is about her music, it's just enjoyable yet creepy and alluring and weird at the same time-- kinda like me. : )

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.

Peace in being alone.

Goodevening to anyone who's reading. It's Sunday.

I've had a pretty slow day. Just watched documentaries, played about an hour of guitar, then spent a few hours messing around on the Sims. It's so time consuming to get anything done on there. I try to keep my "simming" to a minimum because there's much more productive things I could be doing.

I did my laundry today. I wanted fresh towels and all of my clothes for the upcoming week. It's going to be my first week of classes Winter quarter so I've been trying to keep my stress levels at a minimum. In order to do so I had to cut things off with Brendan, which was difficult for me but over time I've come to realize we're on different playing fields in some ways.

Brendan's really mature and stable in his life. He's an extremely giving person and only wanted the best for me. He took me out on dates, we talked a lot.. everything was fine. He's just looking for something more serious than what I can even think of providing for anyone in the next couple years. That is, unless I'm completely 100% sure on someone. That hasn't come yet. I would rather not waste anyone's time in such a crucial part of our lives.

I still have feelings for someone that will unfortunately never cease until I find someone who I like *more* than said person. I've just sort of grown to accept that, I can't help it. This person frustrates the f*** out of me. That's all I'm going to say.

I really enjoy the unpredictability of being in school again. It's my new years resolution to stop being so pessimistic about living here. It's also to start incorporating prayer and meditation into my daily life to calm some of this anxiety that I deal with. I've got to learn to deal with my anxiety on my own. It's so easy to want to cling to someone when you feel alone and scared.

I feel like a good amount of my first quarter here was spent feeling very alone-- things are going to get a lot better though.

Here's a blast from the past. Ha ha, I remember loving the English Shin chan cartoons when I was like sixteen. 

I wonder if I will ever go to Japan. I've been a lot more focused on Korea lately. I would like to someday see both Koreas, Japan, and China. Traveling is pretty important to me even if I've never been outside this side of the United States. I suppose that's one of my incentives for going to college, to be able to afford to travel someday. 

It's 6:00. I am going to try and work on finite math for the next hour or so and try to better understand it.

peace. 

What the Buddha taught me today...

I feel empowered today.

I watched a documentary about Buddha today. Though there is no concrete evidence of the exact story of his life, what he taught about the pathway to enlightenment and understanding human suffering will be very valuable to me. I plan to read more about him later.

The Buddha himself was born in India to a rich family, and was basically bred to be the next major ruler of the country. His father adorned him with constant riches, women, anything he could ask for... for about twenty years. He said he was treated very "delicately" growing up, and was not exposed to the outside world to witness the pain and suffering witnessed by man in common society. It was not until his first time stepping into the real world that he saw the inevitable fate of all humans-- Disease, Aging and Death. He had witnessed human suffering.

Back then there was not much organized religion outside very ritualistic Indian practices established by ancient gurus that were said to be a hindrance on every day life. As society was changing many people began seeking spiritual guidance on their own by means of self deprivation to gain enlightenment. The Buddha did this himself, joining a group of other anoretic men and led by a guru performing near constant meditation.

The Buddha had starved himself to near death before finally leaving the group to seek his own personal enlightenment. He decided that without food, the body becomes so focused on sustaining life that an individual is unable to think clearly at all so yes, it should be okay to eat and drink.. He hadn't eaten in months when he sat down beneath a tree and meditated.

In this meditation he envisioned monsters, one of which symbolizes human greed. This monster did not want The Buddha to reach enlightenment because he felt it would change the world. He was offered extraordinary temptation-- such as women (I believe in the story it was the monster's daughters, I'm not entirely sure..) and power. He refused them, with the Earth as his witness.

In his enlightenment the Buddha realized that as human beings on this Earth we live in "suffering," but not necessarily "to suffer,"  but more like... We're never truly satisfied with everything, and even when we feel happiness it's momentary. Even the most beautiful grow old and the most powerful get sick. This is the one life we have and if we just stop and look around we can understand the beauty of the Now.

The "now" is your current circumstances. I look around my room and see my current "now." It might not be home so it might not be the most comfortable place in the world for me at times, but that is no reason to be worried. This is the school I'm attending now, again not perfect but if I learn to see the beauty in the simple things around me as well as try to better understand the human beings living around me I will live a fulfilling, happy life.

The Buddha does not give reference to the afterlife, and at the time he was alive people very much believed in Reincarnation. Though I believe reincarnation is a possibility in the mystery of life, I choose to continue to believe that God, or some creator, exists. I pray to God and my ancestors for guidance, but I have no interest studying what is believed to happen in the afterlife because that's not important.

What is important is to accept that we are given this life and have to make the most of it and fulfill whatever purpose drives us.



When I started having panic attacks I began seeking additional spiritual guidance because life was suddenly looking so grim to me. When you feel like you're going to suffocate from the sheer stress of the transitional period in your life everything around you seems pointless. Today I am as far away from that feeling as possible, I once again embrace my life for every day by working hard, eating well and trying to understand people from all walks of life.

Facebook allows me to meet and "study" all kinds of people so conveniently.

Well I'm expecting company. Just thought I'd share that. I studied a whole bunch today for my accounting final tomorrow, wish me luck.

peace. 

Spiritual Tarpanam, goal setting and time management

He's a spiritual guru that has a live webshow that I've been watching on a regular basis lately. He talks about the most important thing to me in life, which time management to increase productivity and overall success. He also gives free guided meditation, with his video today I was actually able to focus on my midbrain and achieve total bliss. It's incredible what you can learn from him.

This is my absolute favorite meditation that I successfully completed this morning. With it, you can focus in on your deepest desires and visualize it... live it. It makes any dream comprehensible. You can visualize it with your mind's eye and ask the spirit world to give you answers and when you wake up in the morning you will not only feel more refreshed but you will have answers to your questions of what you need to do to achieve these dreams.

I also want to tell you about a ritual that I learned about from him called Tarpanam. 

These are my goal setting sheets that Jacob told me to try to adjust to my new environment. They've been working so well already, before bed I plan to look at them every night to remember exactly why I'm here and to not get distracted by everything going on. I've gotta stay focused and not give up even when this material is incredibly difficult.

Under my goal sheets is my offering for Tarpanam. If you watch SattaTreyaSivaBaba's video on soul genetics you will discover that according to ancient yogis the spirits of your ancestors come to earth to help their family members with their problems and try to deliver good karma. Because think about it, WHY are we are the way we are? Because of our ancestors! They have set the stage for our entire life. Their genes are our genes and their souls are our souls. 

So in order to live in spiritual bliss we must understand our ancestors and provide them with a reminder that we know they are there. One way to do this is to do Tarpanam. This is a practice of meditation passed down by the yogis to connect with your ancestors by leaving an offering. This is as easy as, as you can see, a little cup of water and some sunflower seeds or nuts or whatever. Preferably not something processed because this is a sacred practice. 

When you lay out the food, you can close your eyes and either speak or think a message to your ancestors acknowledging that you know they are there and you're asking for their guidance. Your ancestors are wise because they've experienced a lot of the things that we're experiencing now in the old world. Tonight I asked both of my Grandfathers for guidance in the prosperity of my business because they both had businesses themselves. My Mom's Dad owned and operated the battery store in Atascadero and on my Dad's side the farm and Josten's.

According to this guru, spiritual tarpanam and the "Ah" meditation can bring miracles of success in your life. I am willing to believe it and now that I've started I can feel almost a blanket of bliss around me. Though some might think I'm a little strange I feel so confident in what I'm doing and where my life is going right now. I'm ready to reinvent myself in a way that I'm not only no longer depressed but HAPPY with my life. With this new found spiritual guidance and Jacob's goal setting practices that I've started I feel ready to take on the world. 

My parents are coming to visit tomorrow. I'm not going to go into great detail of why there is nuts sitting in the window. 

peace.