The Awkward Couch story

Wow, I would have to say this is my favorite drawing I've completed yet.
My second favorite is a tie between the drawing of Delegacy and Myth. 

The drawing of Myth that I did was actually one of my first I did. It's beginning to feel a little old considering the number of drawings I've completed since, but there's something I really love about this one (*which is why it's my page icon).

Speaking of which, I don't know if I'd previously mentioned on here, I made a page to upload my art. 

https://www.facebook.com/emilysportraitstudio

I figured it would be best to make a separate location where people can "like" my art without necessarily "liking" me. 

So it's getting late but you know what I'm dying to talk about, right? 

Kyle showed up to class today and talked to me this morning!! (yay!) ...It was funny, he did seem a little out of it. I'll write out of the conversation:

He's like, "Hey!! What did you do this weekend?"

Me: "Ehh not much, got a lot of work done, and jammed with my neighbors in the front yard.."

Then Kyle's like, "Woah, that's awesome! The weather was so nice this weekend and me and my buddies..." okay I think he said "made a firepit" or something but he could of meant BBQ'd..
Then get this, he outright tells me: "Man I'm sorry I'm kinda out of it, last night me we made this pie out of hash butter and lets just say I slept reaally good last night...." I can seriously just imagine the look on my face when he was telling me this... Pause. "So uh, what'd you do this weekend?"

I cracked up that he asked me twice but of course I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem like some anal bitch. Carbaugh was telling the class to sit down anyway so the conversation ended. I still don't know Kyle's last name so I don't know anything about him. That's kind of fun, I'd like to say I'll keep facebook out of this as long as possible but if it allows me the opportunity to talk to him before I get my cell bill paid I might cave. 

We'll see. 

The awkward couch story: 

How could Michael G. possibly create 

Today I was really proactive about studying more R today and got together with Michael to go over some syntax alongside this military dude from class. His name is Devin, he just got accepted into the airforce. Seems like a smart enough dude. Anyway he, Michael and I were all sitting together side by side in the library with our laptops on this couch that's.... probably best suited for two people. And Michael kept on naming all of his variables these names like "dicks" and "cocks" and "butts". 

And referring to them out loud like, "Yes, now we are going to plot the residuals of cocks using the formula plot (dickslog$log.cocks,residuals....)" I was just cracking up even if it was the stupidest sh*t. Michael is great, period. 

peace. 

A good guitarist just knows.

Today I decorated this "Gingerbread Dance Club" with my cousin Aiden. 

I love him so much and was super happy to see him. He's 6 now so we can carry on little conversations and he cracks me up because he's clever. 

It's Monday and tomorrow's Christmas eve. I don't really get all fired up over counting down the the days or anything, but now that it's almost here I'm getting excited. I finally finished my shopping today.

This morning I got up around 10:30 am. My Grandma and parents have always gotten up earlier and this morning I overheard my Dad talking to my Grandma about the guitar and how I'm starting to "create my own style with it." He also of course mentioned his awesome guitar-playing, pot smoking cousin Carl that once told my Dad that the key to getting good at guitar is Practice, practice, practice all the time. Lol thank you Dad for sharing this insight. Anyway that complement meant a lot to me... For some reason I'm always much more flattered when I overhear a person talking about me than a complement to my face that my playing is good.

Whenever someone says I'm good I just tend to deny it. Even after all this work I feel like I'm not close to where I want to be. I am so critical of my playing cleanliness, making mistakes, and the fact that I have such a difficult time memorizing things. I don't know any guitarists that have to grab a big binder of tabs to play for their f**king family, a good guitarist just knows. They know how to both improvise AND play songs. They can confidently perform pieces without forgetting sections and having to figure out where that damn measure is located so I can keep playing...

That perfection is what drives me to practice the way that I do. That confidence just isn't there yet... Even playing in front of my family in the living room that I haven't seen in a year in a half I found practically impossible. I was frustrated because I didn't have my nylon string acoustic and had to borrow my Grandma's steal string. I didn't have the Nothing Else Matters tab nor do I have Guitar Pro on this computer so I had to print it in ugly rough tab form from the ultimate-guitar website. The tab that I printed was laid out very confusing so I couldn't find the solo.

Yet everyone said it was good and I'm just screaming to myself in my head, "No! It's not!! I'm so much better than this, I just wish I had my acoustic.. I just wish I had the tab." And it's always been that way. I can sit here and play alone for hours upon hours and move from song to song seemingly effortlessly yet when I get in front of family or people like Jake that are way better than me I just become a disorganized, excuse making mess.

I'm so tired of that... I need to get my shit together and put more effort into memorizing songs and not skipping from song to song. I need to stick with just three songs at a time and make routine progress on them until I complete and memorize them before I stow them away and print new shit. I did sooo much of that my first year and a half of playing (note that I've been playing 1 year, 7 months... Jake only recently really cracked down on me for being ADHD with songs) and it's what's lead me to where I am now and I know the changes I have to make to get there now.

Wow, I was supposed to be writing about having a good day but now here I am crying.

I guess just being able to show my family what I can do after all this work is important to me. Somehow not having copies of two of my recital pieces was a complete b*tch and even if my family was impressed I still felt like sh*t about it. Oh well, guess there's always next year.


Okay let's talk about something other than guitar...

When I say playing for my family I mean my Mom, Grandma, Mandy, Zoe, Zoe's boyfriend, my sister, Adam, Aiden, Adam's neice and my Dad. My Dad and I had just gone Christmas shopping at Ross so I got a change to grab some last minute stuff that makes my amount of money right now a little less obvious. My Dad's been kicking me a lot of cash on this trip because he says he feels "bad for me" because my sister's loaded from working at Roasters. Well that's what I get for going to school full time I guess.

Next quarter I still will be. I'll just be taking that online class and having one class a day so I have zerooooo excuse NOT to get a job. I'd go stir crazy if I didn't. Terry and I are both convinced we are going to do a lot better this quarter than last, but that means I have to stay on top of things better than I did last quarter. Working might help me schedule my day better, who knows.


peace.

My heart has killed me all weekend....

I'm thankful this weekend is almost over. It's been so hard, I actually bought a bottle of wine at Rite aid today to help take the edge off all these emotions I've been going through.

This is the first day in years that I haven't smoked at all. Smoking was my ultimate escape in the tri-cities before I had this panic problem. Since I've moved to Ellensburg and feel isolated, the feeling marijuana gives me is more creepy, lonely (and oftentimes panicky). For that reason, though I'm not saying I'm completely quitting, I am trying to avoid it for the most part unless I'm in an extremely good mood and think I can handle it. This weekend, I certainly cannot handle it. If I smoked now I'm pretty sure I would just break down and cry again.

Marijuana capitalizes on your emotions. If you're feeling relaxed, it makes you feel sooo relaxed. If you're feeling happy, it can sometimes make you feel more imaginative and excited. But God forbid you should try to calm yourself down if you're feeling anxious or scared, absolutely not. It can make you feel like you're heart is beating so fast you're going to die. It can make you feel like the whole world is crumbling in around you.

For that reason, because of my feelings lately, I've been avoiding it for the most part.. I just don't feel I can handle it in my current situation.

I've only been in Ellensburg for what, 12 days? And I already feel like I want to escape. I didn't feel like this getting here initially but I think the sadness has had a number of factors that have dawned on me this weekend. Feeling sad and having too much time to brew in that emotion can make a person feel as though they're in prison.

I must have cried at least 10 times yesterday, if not more. I felt like I wanted to go out but had nobody to go with. I felt lonely because of the Jack situation; even though we really have nothing to do with eachother in the first place. I guess I liked the fact that I had someone to like, even if it was more or less a fantasy because nothing ever works out between us. It's kind of  a pathetic situation either way. Feeling vulnerable to the emotions associated with him makes me feel embarrassed and shameful, which in turn makes me depressed.

Oh on top of that, I did something very ballsy that led me to feeling even more rejected than before. You know how I added that guy Alan that I'd met the other day on facebook... I thought we had a pretty good conversation and I thought I'd throw out there that it'd be cool to see him again. So I sent him a message saying "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you the other day but I honestly don't spend too much time hanging around campus. Would you maybe want to grab some coffee sometime?" He viewed it and didn't reply. Why do I even bother. 

Allie was texting me last night after she flaked on our plans that day and when I asked what she was doing she told me she was "taking care of drunk people." So she was out and about doing something at least. Last night I sat around the house and watched Matilda. 

I tried getting ahold of Jessie but she was on a date. 

I just feel like I don't have the opportunity to spend time with anyone here. I really am trying to make friends so I can get out more but it just hasn't happened yet. I've been here for four months now, I haven't been to any of the bars here or really been around Ellensburg at all. I've spent almost every day studying hard, practicing, and wishing things would improve.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to relax, accept things as the way they are and be happy with my current circumstances. It feels like throughout my life though things have gotten better from year to year but I always thought being at a university would be a time in my life where I wouldn't be going through this sort of underlying depression and anxiety. It makes me think I chose the wrong school which makes me feel a great amount of regret, yet at the same time would I have been able to handle living as far away from my parents as say in Spokane or Bellingham? Probably not. 

I'm just so lonely. So very, very lonely here. Sometimes I feel like coming to Central was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Especially when I see pictures of kids at other universities with their new friends going to school events and having great times... I don't want it to be like that though. I see other people enjoying it here and having social lives, why can't I? 

Coming to this school as a Junior and having no real interest in most school activities is the main reason I'm in this position. The guitar is my safety blanket, I have to play every day or I feel disgusted and anxious. My grades are something I take pride in and I have to study a great deal to reach the standards and goals I've set for myself. That being said, a huge amount of my time is spent studying and playing the guitar instead of say, sitting around in the SURC and BS'ing with people... which would be nice occasionally but when I don't know anybody getting lunch or coffee or anything in the SURC usually entails sitting alone, looking around awkwardly, quickly eating whatever slop they served me there and getting out. 

Here I am crying again. I'm going to pray, ask God to help me in these hard times. Today was a little easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I hope.. I really do, this weekend has been so lonely for me and I'm so thankful that I have family and friends back home to help me through these rough times.

peace. 

KILLED that test, pot legalization..

Good evening to anyone that's bored enough to read this. 

It's 7:00 PM, which isn't horrible time wise even if I've still gotta few things I need to make sure to get done tonight. I've been sort of slacking on guitar, yesterday I only practiced 30 minutes because I was so tired from getting work done. Tonight's been sort of the same way, I skipped my legal class today so I could come back to the apartment to study for my math exam earlier. I've been working on those math problems off and on all day. I also studied a bit last night. I've improved, but at the point that I'm at right now I think I'd be sitting on a D grade for tomorrow's test unless I get another couple hours in tonight. Maybe just 90 minutes and refresh tomorrow morning and I should be able to bump that up to a C+/B- area. What can I say, I'm not great at math you guys. I'm trying my hardest but it's hard to remember the rules. Montgomery understands though, he knows we all just want to pass and gtfo. 

I'm officially registered for my classes for next quarter! This quarter has been quite a challenge up to this point, I've had to work harder than any other quarter I've taken. I'm wondering how my next class load will compare.

Here's my list:

English 102, Arlo Fleming. 8:00-8:50 MoWeFri Bouillon Hall (math building, interesting location for an English class)
I couldn't find a teacher review on this one. Burnadette told me the reason for this is because English 102 is typically taught by graduate students. This could be interesting. I'm hoping for the best on that one.

Econ 201, Robert Carbaugh, Principles of Economics Micro, 9:00-9:50 Mon-Fri in Shaw

Luckily Shaw is pretty close to Bouillon so I'll be able to walk there on time.

Math 130- Finite Mathematics, Dale Width, 10:00-10:50 Mon-Friday in Bouillon

My professors for finite math and economics are rated very high, so that's a major plus. That alone makes me excited for next quarter because two of the professors that I took this quarter were rated on a ":|" or mediocre scale. I don't want to say that they're mediocre professors at all, I really like my legal class... it can just get really boring..

Like I said I skipped it today, for the first time this quarter. I'm probably going to end up re-reading the chapter he lectured on today as well as Chapter 13 for this stupid quiz that's due tomorrow. Hypothetically, I could wait until after my math test and accept a 10% penalty and it wouldn't be the end of the world. But I'd rather just get it done tonight if at all possible, even if math really is my top priority right now. 

So here's my plan for the night:
Right now it's officially 7 sooo...
7:15-8:00, read over legal chapter 12
8:05-8:40, guitar
8:45-9:30 more math
9:45-10:45 read chapter 13, take stupid quiz
10:50-11:20 MORE math....

Then bed. only 35 minutes of guitar today ughhh I'm gonna have to play a solid few hours tomorrow before Jacob and I's lesson. What's even cooler is that he's going to be able to send me files via skype and I'll be able to print them from my printer in my room... This is gonna be so cool, I'm so excited. Just have to get through this stupid math test. 

OH. Big news!! I got a 96% on my accounting test!! WOOO!!! I'm so happy!!! These last three chapters in that class are going to be difficult but I know I can get through this now. Just gotta make sure I don't bomb the last test and I'm home free. I knew the flash cards would help me.

Oh. And pot's legalized. And Obama is still the president. It's the last thing on my mind right now I gotta study. There's been so much rehash about it, I don't even really feel like going into my feelings on the election. I will say that I'm very relieved that Obama is still president, he won by a landslide in fact. Europe is happy, the intelligent people are happy, we're all happy. Our world is in a fragile place right now and the last thing we need is someone like Romney to come in and start building up our military and sending our men into countries we have no right to be in. 

I'm also happy that Obama will be president at the time that communism will inevitably fall in North Korea here in the next four years. That is a VERY fragile and dangerous situation when it all collapses, mainly because these people have been brainwashed since birth to fight US imperialists to the death... But with the population being as starving and in desperate need for help as it is maybe they wouldn't be so quick to shoot at us. They're almost all military trained, though, because their entire economy is their "army" and putting on these rally's where they march around and give speeches about how much they hate the US. 

So if our troops were to storm into North Korea we'd be ambushed by these famished North Korean soldiers that have literally been waiting for their entire lives for this so called attack on Korean soil. It shouldn't be an attack at this point, it should be a rescue mission, with the help of the entire world. They could be saved just as easily (if not easIER, considering they really need food more than anything) as Japan after their tsunami when the whole world pulled together to help them. Korea is roughly the size of Mississippi for God sake.

Anyway I gotta get going, gonna start on that list.... blegh, gotta play some Opeth or somthing.

peace. 

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.

34. From redneck rafting to redneck sledding down concrete hills.

This weekend has been a freaking blast, to the point that I haven't been able to write much.

I luckily got all my work done today, Sunday, of course. But I don't regret having fun on the weekends if I'm still maintaining good grades. God, I need to take it easy on myself once in awhile.

There's a lot to say but I'll keep it short because I've gotta go to bed pretty soon. I feel sort of sick today, probably from my lack of sleep last night and being out in the cold for hours on end on Friday. I'll just talk about Friday first and post the pictures and then maybe I'll talk about Saturday tomorrow when I'm at school or something.

After Cece told me what she had to deal with during the weekends when she's stuck at her Mom's house, I thought I'd give her a place to stay for 24 hours or so. Granted, if it was my apartment I'd be open to letting someone stay as they like but it's my parents place and they don't like people being over too long, even if they're as incredibly helpful to have around like Cece is.

She did my nails almost immediately when she came over. I was in my room playing the guitar when she came up, and I played a couple songs before putting it up. She seemed really enthusiastic and brought her own nailpolish and everything. So I figured, what the Hell, haven't done manicures and pedis since I was ten! She did a pretty nice job. In the picture it looks like my toenails are yellow but they're a lot more clear than it appears. Anyway, I thought it was a really sweet gesture.

Mitch came over at about 6'. This picture was actually taken after sledding, nothing we took outside came out clear enough. With Lindy, it's pretty hard to make clear plans, so we (Mitch, Cece and I) enjoyed flying down that hill at the end of the road. Unfortunately, though, they installed a couple poles in the middle of the jump spot that look like a major safety hazzard if you were to run into one, so we decided that spot wasn't fantastic. We then walked up to the middle school where Lindy said her group was, and Lindy told us that they were inside Alice's house because they'd been sledding for a long time and were too cold to do it anymore.

Note, this was after Mitch, Cece and I had walked around for what seemed like hours to locate Lindy and her group because they kept changing places, I continued to try and make plans work. We ended up meeting at the middle school in the long run after walking in a bunch of circles, but the hills were dull. Luckily, there was a road covered in perfect sheet ice that we could fly down, which turned out to be a complete blast. Once we got the group together it was Lindy, Connor Clayton, Omar Alvarado, Alice, Chloe, Mitch, Eugene, Cece, and I. It was actually one of the best times I've had in awhile flying down that road.

Some guy in a truck kept on driving past us, and we literally thought he was stalking us and some wanted to bail because of it, but it just turned out he was lost and needed directions to Dusty road.

I love this picture.

After sledding we went back to my place where I made everyone tea. Originally people were like "Ehh..." because the original plan was hot chocolate. Too bad we only had one packet of hot chocolate left.

Mitch and I making drinks. This was actually a great idea, who doesn't like a hot drink after being out in the cold for hours. It would be been better if it was hot chocolate and schnaps but two of the girls that were there were 15 and giving alcohol to a 15 year old is NOOO bueno.

Age isn't hugely important to me because I really just want everyone to have fun, but at the same time I feel very uncomfortable when girls that are actually younger than my sister are at my house. But hey they're Lindy's friends and as long as they aren't doing anything illegal around me then it's okay.

Mitch, Eugene, Cece and I (Cece was spending the night) all hung out after everyone left. I wanted to give Eugene and Mitch a taste of that vaporizor, as they smoked me out a few times over the summer and I owed them one. Mitch and Eugene seemed pretty blazed to begin with, but it was a cool end cap for the night. We listened to Perfect Circle, and I've GOT to buy some of their CDs. Mitch actually played along with them while we were sitting around, it was awesome.

Cece doesn't smoke, but she said she was fine with it earlier. Well, fine with it until her asthema takes over. But what doesn't make sense to me is how does she get an asthma attack from smoking fumes in the air yet doesn't when insence is burning next to her? Who knows. Anywho, I figured she'd be fine because a vaporizor doesn't make fumes particularily, though it smells a little wet, but it doesn't even compare to the smoke that comes off a full sized bong or even a spoon pipe. She was fine, but I sent the guys home around 11' so I wouldn't push it with my mom.

I have to admit, though I've heard some horror stories about some stupid things he's done, Omar is a fun person to hang out with and I am really happy he came. He really lightened up the mood with his random comments about conspiracies. Very weird.

Anyway, I need to do a little cardio before bed. I will tell you all about my experience with Jessika last night tomorrow. My nose is super runny and I should call it an early night.

peace. 

The type of dream that you're relieved when you wake up.

God, I had an awful dream. I'm gonna write it so I don't forget it and hopefully figure out what it means.

I was babysitting, and took a nap. When I woke up, Maddie and Andrew were gone. I searched the house, yelling out their names, and when I realized they were gone called their parents and they were home immediately. The dream then skipped to a hotel, where there was this kind looking woman who was standing there smiling, saying that the "children were in there..". A policeman openned the door and the woman said that she killed them and cut off their limbs (Note that I had just seen a southpark episode where they had done the same thing).
I immediately took it upon myself, saying that if I hadn't of been sleeping she wouldn't of been able to lure them out of the house somehow. Apparently, she said she'd done it with pizza. It was a horrible feeling, and I was crying all the time. Skipping to the highschool for some reason. This one hispanic gay guy got out of a truck being driven by Troy C.'s Mom. He was this one guy that walks around CBC wearing really flamboyant clothes and has his eyebrows perfectly manicured. Very obviously gay. He comes up to me and we hug, as if we know eachother really well and haven't seen eachother in a long time.
He goes, "Are you a gossip? Suddenly everyone in the school knows that I'm gay and I only told you!"
And I responded, "Well, maybe I told one friend of mine but he lives in Pasco so the news couldn't of spread here.."
He then tells me that Sarah V. knows, and that she said she heard it from me, and told all of her friends. So then I tell him, "You know, I'm had a really horrible day, and don't want to talk about this." Apparently refering to the babysitting situation.
This is where the dream gets really weird. For some reason, at the school I sat down with a bunch of mormon people, all wearing missionary outfits. I told Joe Lloyd, my friend Adam's dad, about what had happened and he counciled me on it. I told him that I cared about these kids more then any other kids I could think of.
The mormons apparently made a decorative... chair covered in psalms that they were going to sell at the school regardless of seperation of church and state. [[this part of the dream makes really no sense to me, but me and Katelynn did see missionaries riding their bikes on our way to Wal mart]].

So that's the dream, I'm going to try to define it.
For the first part of the dream where these kids that I care about get murdered because of my carelessness...

1. A killer in dreams represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.

2. Dreams about hotels refer to a new unusual state of mind or a shift in your usual paradigm. I feel that lately, with the sudden lack of interest in Japanese things, I've been more into rock music and have taken up the guitar again. For some reason, the guitar now feels more comfortable, and I can play without getting bored.

3. Dreaming about pizza can suggest a feeling of prevailance over a feeling of deprevation or of something you wish to accomplish.

For a long time I've wanted to go back to playing the guitar, and it felt right to me. Though pizza was only refered to in my dream, it very much makes sense now. Literally i've been staring at that guitar for weeks going, "I should really start playing again sometime.."

So overall, this part of the dream tells me that I'm worried about how much I've been smoking and that I should lay off because it's causing paranoia. It also has made me realize that playing the guitar is a new interest, and is more appealing to me than it's ever been.

Moving on to part 2 of the dream, where I'm at the highschool and get in an arguement.

1. To dream about gossip means you are only doing something that will hinder your progress.

OBVIOUSLY this refers to smoking, being depressed AND my sudden stop in studying japanese. I still want to learn Japanese as a second language, and know that I can do it, so I need to keep studying hard and trying. But I really feel like this is about smoking because it's one thing that will only set me back.

2. Dreaming about homosexual people when you are straight can represent lack of self confidence about the opposite sex.

This definately makes sense considering that I went to the park yesterday and hung out with two couples. Admittedly, this made me very lonely. It was Rachelle and her bf, and samantha and shawn. They are nice people, and made sure to incorporate me into things so I wouldn't feel like the 5th wheel, but it's still pretty awkward.
I do have lack of confidence about the opposite sex. I feel like I'm always the girl that is "okay", but he feels like he could do better. The fact that I oftentimes think I'm unattractive and lower my standards because I feel like any guy that is "normal" wouldn't like me is definately what the random appearance of a homosexual guy that I don't know in person is about.

Moving on to the last weird part about the mormons...

There is no definition for thinking about mormons or missionaries, so I'm going to use cult. I know that word itself has a bad connoctation, but if you look at the definition of cult it fits.

1. To see a cult in your dream can represent that you have yet to arise to spiritual freedom.

This makes a lot of sense for me because I am still very much afraid of death, as well as the idea of the afterlife. I am not convinced that there is an afterlife, nor do I sincerely believe in Jesus Christ or any religion as much as I'd like too.

2. To see a chair in your dream symbolizes you need to sit down and contemplate a situation before proceeding. Or, it can also mean that you need to relax.

I'm not sure in either case on this one. Based on the fact that I've been through depression recently would make sense that I need to relax and take things one step at a time. It's depressing that I don't have a job, but I need to relax and take things one step at a time until I have one.

That's it with the dream. I'm so glad I wrote that down and got it out of my system, though I am still disturbed slightly by it. I know now that I am subconciously disturbed by the amount that I've been smoking lately, and need to cut back on it. I also know that this new interest in the guitar again is a good thing for me and I need to keep playing because it gives me a productive mental escape.

It's morning. I'm sitting in bed, it's almost 10 am. I'm eating haribo speghetti candy from last night. They're sour and yummy, but I'm pretty sure I've eaten the 150 empty calorie serving and should stop and go get some real food. They're making my fingers sticky.

Me and katelynn made a huge mess of the kitchen and I think I'm going to clean it up to make my mom happy after I eat breakfast. She's had a long week, so probably won't be up and going for another hour and a half or so. I'm going to play guitar and watch some TV, then I gotta study for finals. Yep, today is going to be a productive day hopefully.

yours,

emily

I've been smoking with my friend to get away from the stresses in my life, but my mom says substance abuse can lead me on a very bad path. Honestly, though, last night the depression had sort of come to a halt when I was with my friend, and we smoked to enjoy our time instead of getting anything out of our heads. I told her that I was nervous about what my mom said, and then I considered the people that smoke and party on a daily basis and let it interfere with their schoolwork... or don't go to school at all, and sit around and get high. When I do smoke, I do it responsibly. I do it when I don't have school or anything like that. I currently don't have a job, but I wouldn't if I had one.
Now that I know that this fear is imbedded inside of me, I need to cut back on smoking.
This could ALSO have to do with the Japanese thing, and how I have suddenly "lost interest" due to working for that horrendous korean woman. My mom was asking me, "So are you going to drop Japanese III or what?" I think maybe I don't want to let it go, but have been just turned off, for now because of the circumstances involved.