Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

maybe people piss me off.

Hmm.

Well it's 1:21 am. Miranda is laying on my bed with a smile on her face. Makes me happy to see her this happy around me again. For the past week and a half or so I've barely seen her, she's either been outside under the BBQ or in my sister's room. Who knows maybe she's in here when I'm working.

Did my 5 pm-12 am shift today. It was easy enough, nobody really bothered me. Though I feel kind of anxious about the fact that suddenly the whole cleaning system is going to change and each section is going to be fully responsible for when they go home and their MANAGERS will tell them when they can leave... and of course I've got J. Apparently this starts in September... I can survive anything for a month. But ugh God it just sucks, to be honest I'm so tired of working in the kids department. It gets so messy and it's such a pain in the ass every day.. especially when you've got people on your team that aren't pulling their weight.


Candace today was singing and "color organizing" clothes while I was running around doing go-backs so I could start you know, getting things together so that we don't have to leave at 11:45 pm... I caught her doing this shit today too, I'm like "Candace what are you doing?....Uh, I think we could probably use more help getting go-backs out from the boys fitting room.." The thing is that it's so transparent that she knew this so she's like "Sorry!" immediately after I'd asked what she was actually doing there when there was piles of clothes on the ground 20 feet away.

This is why my job is truly exhausting and annoying. Our boss Tomas had a group meeting tonight after we'd closed (We got out EARLY! Wow, awesome, 11:20 let's gtfo...) This meeting dragged on for 25 minutes because people wouldn't shut the hell up and let him talk. I wanted to slap the hell out of this girl standing next to me. Lol I love Jasmine, she's like "Some of us would like to go home tonight please." We kept on catching eachother's glances at the meeting because it was obvious we were both exhausted and wanted to go home.

I like Jasmine, I respect her a lot. She works hard and she's one of the main reasons I haven't put more effort into switching departments honestly. Cassandra is the girl with the long black hair, accent that comes from Texas. God for the longest time I haven't been able to remember anyone's names. I actually had to ask her what her name was when I had to briefly call J. today and she looked pretty ticked off. I should really try to be more friendly toward her. I feel she puts in effort too.

I never really know what to say to anyone. People were talking a lot tonight but I found myself completely unable to really get into conversations with anyone. It's like I have nothing to really talk about with anyone because my mind is so one track lately. All that's on my mind is guitar lately. Well... and Jay. Haven't talked to him in a couple days. I kind of wish he'd text me more often. I wanted to text him this evening but I looked at our message history and I had sent the last 2 so I felt kind of lame.

Meh. He's got stuff to do, I like that. Still I don't even know what to think of this. I still feel like he's going to suddenly text me and say that he just thought it over and changed his mind. Because guys just do that, they change their minds like nothing

peace. 

Do I look like someone else

I'm feeling too restless to practice guitar right now... which means I have to write and hopefully shake this out because to be honest with you guys I'm exhausted and can't imagine I'm going anywhere tonight.

I texted Jay today. I was unable to wait until this evening. I asked him how his trip was going and he didn't reply. Damn it's been like 3 days... I'm kind of wondering if we're not going to talk anymore or what. That's been on my mind more than I'd like to admit today.

Check it out, tonight I unintentionally made myself look like a different person. Ha ha I've changed my look from Emily the no bullshit guitarist to Emily that draws manga and watches Ponies.*

I had work at 11 am this morning. My shift was 11-7 pm, and that's final. The reason I say that is because my coworkers were asking me continually how long I was going to work tonight. My managers actually didn't ask me to stay later, as they're intelligent enough to know that I would politely refuse. Lol. No credit apps or "findmore" things again today. My mom was like "Can they fire you for not doing those?" and I responded, "Don't think so..."

Lol I know that you can't but you're continually pressured about it. The corporation uses competition as one of it's tactics to motivate their employees. I kind of hate that about my job, it makes me miss my lazy days at Rite Aid....

When I move up to Ellensburg I plan on looking for a new job very quickly. Working at the Yakima JCpenny on the weekends could be a good temporary fix until then. Jeez that reminds me I have to talk to one of my managers about that. I should write a memo and leave it on one of their desks tomorrow. Good plan. Tomorrow's basically my Friday. I've got nothing planned. Will probably just do the usual because I'm gonna owe Jake $40 on Thurs so I shouldn't blow my money at the bar on Wednesday.

Alright... I guess that's sufficient writing for tonight. Need to practice for the first time today (it's 9:25 pm. God I'd be miserable if I was still at work, ha ha I was done at 7...)

I'm actually feeling a lot better about relaxing and enjoying the rest of my night. I told my mom that jay hadn't texted me back and she's like "You're being silly, it's Sunday night and that's when his job gets over. He probably doesn't even have reception." Both are really good points. I will sit with that.

peace.

*.... note that I do neither of those things. Not that there is anything wrong with people that do. But I think I look so much different with glasses and no bangs... I'm honestly not used to seeing myself like this.