Can you be any more endlessly helpful? ...And sexy dresses.

Look at all that.

Okay I know you guy's can't really tell what all that is but that was my to-do list today and everything I've gotten done and it's only 7:30 pm. I studied a total of 3 hours today, including a solid hour on Managerial and I'm not even done yet. I also read the entire chapter on Public goods twice this weekend. 

This last Thursday I was feeling really discouraged about my time management lately... Like having gotten a 72% on that Money and Banking test made me realize that I had to change some things to more evenly distribute my studying for my classes instead of just focusing primarily on one course for an upcoming assignment. By writing out all that I need to do at the beginning of the day makes me feel obligated to accomplish them, this really does work.

Jake also sent me this packet called "Live Your Legend" weekly planning which is going to help me reflect on the progress I'm making each week as well as set goals for upcoming weeks. So yeah, this has been great.. This weekend I've been more productive than I was all week and I plan to continue to use these methods this week to feel more confident both academically and the guitar, and this confidence will evolve into happiness. 

Jake told me that the power of perception is everything too, and by simply forcing myself to think "I CAN read this chapter..." instead of "Damn I don't want to read this..." or "I will do this" instead of "I wish I'd do this.." This has helped me a ton this week too. Whenever I find myself getting stressed over not understanding the material I'm reading I think to myself "I can learn this" and it sort of pushes me to move forward. I know it sounds silly but it works. 

Uhh let's see, Friday I just stayed in (did get invited to go out but have been hacking my brains out all weekend and wanted to heal). 

Yesterday evening when I felt a little better I decided to go to Kyle's house when he'd invited me to hang out. I had already told Kyle like twice that I wasn't really into him that way so I was surprised that he invited me to hang out in the first place. I saw his friends that he lives with from the other night, one of them was sooo wasted and loud and borderline scary acting... I definitely was not into any of the guys there that way either. Originally when I came over I thought we'd be going to the bars but we ended up staying because there was a party going on next door. 

Short, tight party dresses.  I can't say I own any of these. 

Their neighbor that was having a party was this girl named Lyndsey who seemed really nice, of course it was late and who knows how drunk everyone was. She was really pretty and her friends were too. They were wearing these teeny-tiny dresses that I always see girls wearing at college parties.. Of course I'm over here in jeans like always. I was really stoked to have met Lyndsey because she lived in on her own in a house too, is a senior and we seemed to have a lot in common so I was trying to talk to her. Her boyfriend showed up though and she wandered off so I don't know if I made a lasting impression.

 I think I was pretty friendly there and it was nice that I got out and be around people though I doubt I'll see any of them again. The more Kyle came onto me the more I pushed him away and now that he realizes he can't get anything out of it there's no point in having me around. 

Meh who cares. I'm not here to build relationships, I'm here to grow intellectually and confidence as an individual. 

peace. 

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK. Sink or swim, baby.

I'm almost sure I failed my first accounting test, but at least I now know what to expect. That was the hardest test I've ever taken, I didn't show my work on practically any of it, and I know what I have to do.

The test was huge, all multiple choice, 75 questions.... I almost immediately knew I was fucked when I looked at how the questions were worded and how you had absolutely no hints on how to perform the calculations. I probably would have done much better had I the time to really think about each individual question, considering I only had an hour and a half. Worst of all, you have to show your work, so for all the questions that I didn't show my work even if I guessed correctly I still got it wrong.

OH. And worst of all, I forgot my four-function calculator on my fucking desk at home so I had to work with  the professor's ancient calculator that didn't work for shit and had sticky keys and a sideways 6.

So today was not my day. I just need to remember that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do is study harder and move forward.

What I need to do is find a way to make sure I do a solid 2 hours a studying each day for each class so that I'm not focusing all of my energy on one class one day and then sort of spacing on other material. I think if I do that from here on out I'll be guaranteed to survive this quarter. I just don't know how to find the time to do anything besides study lately.

I've just gotta stay up later, wake up earlier, try to conceptualize the material, TRY to stay relaxed, try to find time to EAT.... Because literally I barely even make time for that anymore which is why I've been losing weight.

So this, again, is a sink or swim situation. My new day-to-day schedule is now going to look like this, every day:

1. 2 hours accounting
 -
 -

2. 1 hour math
-
-

3. 2 hours Legal
-
-

4. 2 hours Guitar
-
-

For every day that I don't have Legal and accounting class. I can only set my goal for math at 1 hour a day because realistically I know that I won't study math for two hours. If I can stick to this I can guarantee I won't fail my classes.

I just thought last week was enough.... But I gotta work harder. Five hours a day is do-able, it's like a full time job.

peace. 

A little disappointed with my saving abilities. :(

I feel absolutely sick with myself.

I've made no money this summer, zip, and I've tried so hard... maybe I should have tried harder, not gone out to see friends in town as often, I really don't know. I checked my bank statement for May and it said I have $1600 back then... I have $1533 in the bank right now, $200 until my next paycheck.

My upcoming expenses between now and when I move are pretty steep. Here's my budget for July 28-Sept 10:

-Amplifier, $200

-Differin, $70

-About $60 for gas

-$80 for Jacob

-$30 for Mac Careblend makeup

-$100 misc nessasary expenses

-$50 for medication

total: $590

I've got 4 paychecks between now and the end, adding up to about $1000, sans the expenses = about $400 that I could potentially save. My goal is to have $1,750 in the bank at the end. 

This just sucks, I feel like I've done hardly anything this summer except sit in my room practicing and work. I've hung out with friends, which can get expensive but most of the time me and my friends just sit around anyway because I never want to do anything because I don't like spending the money on gas. 

Meh, I should try not to stress out about these things. It really shouldn't matter that much to me but for some reason it always has because the stress my parents have put on me about saving; predominantly just my Dad.  

peace.

How could I be THIS stupid?

Well, probably the most disappointing thing in months just happened to me.

As my friends (well, anyone who knows me at all) know, I'm an extreme perfectionist. Extreme. I have a compulsive OCD that makes me study for hours on end and write every little fucking detail down so that I don't forget anything. Well, obviously I've let my work slip to the point that I forgot to write down the time of my Japanese final. I ended up showing up to the test late and almost having a panic attack when I forgot half the grammar. the sad thing is, if I had only gotten a chance to look at the study guide, even for a couple minutes before the final I would of undoubtably aced it.

I don't even want sensee to see the damn thing. It's atrocious proof of the fact that I need to work harder, I need to stop smoking so much pot because it's probably effecting my memory, and I need to stop having so much fun because it's distracting me from my studies.

That being said, I'm going to tie the rope around my neck a little tighter. This next quarter I need to study more hours, not smoke so much weed (especially on the weekdays), probably do a better job writing things down... It's just hard even writing this because I feel like this quarter I really did do my absolute best and didn't slack or procrastinate better than I ever have.

I don't know, it just comes down to the fact that I made a mistake, and all I can do is wait for the grades to come out to see if I maintained a 4.0. Sensee knows how much this means to me, how hard I work, and that I've never been good at writing kanji compounds..

There's really nothing to say on here that will make me feel any better about this situation aside from the fact that I'm happy I didn't completely MISS the exam. That and my finals are now over and now all I can do is wait in anxiousness for my grades to come out. Maybe my mom will make me feel better if I call her.

peace.

58. Shouldn't planning to leave be more exciting?

Why does this feel more to me like prison than anything exciting?

I'm afraid that in this application I seem way too stuck up about things, but I answered as truthfully as I could. I want to have fun while I'm up there but at the same time I can't have a super annoying bitch for a roomate that's always having people come in and out. I applied for a Japanese roomate, too.

I really, really hope I get into Buchanen Towers. Reason being, I absolutely need a kitchenette for my orthorexia. If I don't have one, I'll be pretty miserable having to go to some public kitchen thing and have to wait in line to use a microwave....

Idk this whole thing just sounds like prison, I'm not excited to go at all. I don't know if it's just how much it's going to cost that stresses me out or the fact that I've never even gotten the opportunity to go to the campus. That and I have no "connections" or friends up there, and I'm really paranoid about being on my own. My mom has somehow really taken the air out of this whole thing by being so gung ho about college but in reality I see how fucked up the system is. It's extremely expensive and they're going to expect me to declare my major right after the first quarter. My dad is all pissed off that I want to continue to take accounting courses at cbc until I leave but I need to make sure I'm good at this before jumping into some business major that I may or may not do well in.

I just wish I knew for sure what I wanted to do. I know what I enjoy doing and I know what will make me more money. Money is the number one priority but at the same time I don't want to be miserable in my profession. All I really know is what I don't want to do... Still. I don't like anything science or medical. That eliminates a lot. I don't think I have the mental capacity to memorize all that's required for law, though I love learning about criminals I wouldn't want their lives in my hands. I know I can't major in Japanese, because unless I want to live in Japan the rest of my life that's pretty much unemployable. I don't want to take the easy way out with some psychology degree or something because there's no jobs in that. all that being said, business is my only option, and accounting seems to click well enough. It's just really boring.

BUT better be stuck in a boring job and make good money than have a lame degree that can't get me a job and have hardly any money. That to me is a nightmare. The worst, WORST case scenario is being financially dependent on a man, and this is my only way to make sure that it never happens. This is literally my worst nightmare. I see these pathetic ass women that rely on their husbands financially and because of it stay in abusive relationships. The way that my luck has been with relationships, I want to make sure that I always have the option to divorce and still take care of my kids and give them everything they need. hell, that is if I even get married someday.

Yeah, I'm in a bad mood and feel like crying for some reason. I always feel super sick and overwhelmed when I think about leaving it doesn't excite me much at all. For awhile there I was EXTREMELY ready to get out of the tri cities, and I'm not saying I'm not... but the idea of moving to some cold ass place that i've never been before scares me. I'm afraid of losing the familiarity and comfort of my friends and my routines. I'm also very afraid of not having my parents to come rescue me when my car finally blows up and I'm stuck by the side of a highway somewhere. I'm afraid of paying bills and being broke all the time. I'm afraid my job won't transfer. I'm afraid my professors will be extremely hard and I won't do nearly as well as I'm doing here.

There's just a lot on my mind and on my plate right now.... I'm gonna smoke some good herb and play guitar.

peace.