Has it really been two weeks already?

Goodmorning.

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write and have to stop to do something.

Today is Saturday. I'm working at 2 pm which means I've got some time to practice guitar this morning and what not. Days that I have to work tend to be more productive because it motivates me to not sleep in because it puts me in a better mood to have accomplished things before I go. Anyway lets talk about what's been going down in my life lately.

Not much has changed between Jared and I since he returned to work. After we'd hung out I had wondered if he'd continue to be as interested in me as I was in him after that night and I felt happy that meeting didn't make him reconsider. We have been texting and snapchatting off and on for the last couple weeks. Jared always tells me about the crazy shit he does and the military has him do to maintain his physique and become a killing machine if nessasary (10 mile runs, hours of target practice, etc...).

Anyway he sent me a text a couple days ago saying he was going to be MIA for two weeks because he's going to be guarding potential world detonation machines and isn't allowed to have his phone. I won't lie, not being able to talk to him at all is going to be a bummer and test my patience a little bit. But at the same time I know that this is what I signed up for having feelings for someone in this line of work and I should just be happy he's still in Washington and not shipped off to Hell somewhere. He's too handsome, smart and sexy to have his head blown off in Afganistan, you better keep him here God damnit (lol, but seriously...)


Alright enough about Jared. Let's talk about work and some of my new friends a little bit.

Me and Kayla W. have become pretty good friends this summer! Ha ha I never realized how much we had in common until I hung out with her a few times and saw some of her badass interests. First of all she has a great taste in music. She's also the type that likes to listen to music a lot which I think is admirable. She listens to all kinds of badass old rock like Rush, Pink Floyd, Rob Zombie, The Doors... She also likes to watch the same cartoons that I do. The Simpsons is listed on her top TV list on facebook and my Dad just gave me this Simpsons drawing book which I've got really no use for. I'll probably give it to her if she wants it. 

Last Sunday I also had a good time hanging out with Brianna and her friends (almost all coworkers at Little C's) at Justin's mom's place in Richland. Being able to hang out with and get drunk with some of the girls from work was cool because I got a chance to get to know everybody in a relaxed scene versus while we're all trying to step over eachother to get stuff done at work.*

*Since I've just started my boss has been scheduling me when there's enough people that there's not a huge amount of pressure on me to be speedy. Now that I'm getting better at my job it occasionally seems like there's too many people trying to accomplish the same goal and I end up doing busy work like washing the dishes and scrubbing furniture to ensure they don't send me home early. 

I know they're doing their best with hours and I wholeheartedly appreciate just having the job as it is but unfortunately because I'm the newest my head is on the chopping block first when they get slow and start sending people home. That being said I'm probably only getting about 10-12 hours a week and need to start looking for a second job when I get home today. Right now is a really good time to be applying because a lot of people are leaving their part-time jobs for school or whatever.

I'd still really like to get a job at the Conoco in Benton City. I know they've got students leaving and they said they would keep my resume on file so I'll try to drop by before work this morning and let them know I'm going to be around until January. This is for sure now. 

I finally got the courage to drop those three classes on my "perfect" schedule-- I say perfect because I was signed up for the best combination of professors: Finally getting a spot in Tenerelli's not impossible Finance 370 class and Human Resources with Avey who's won awards. But it's just not gonna happen this Fall and maybe if I'm lucky I can take them in the Winter or Spring.

The good news is however that I'm going to be taking Cost accounting online in the Fall so I'll be better prepared for Finance 370 when the time comes... That way if I DO get stuck with Young "the anal orifice" I'll be waaay more prepared this time. Because a Finance class is basically the same thing as cost accounting class, but requires arithmetic and doesn't give very thorough explanations of the concepts because they assume you already know. This cost accounting class with help solidify these concepts and give me working knowledge for working for the State auditor next summer.

So yeah, regardless of that fact that I'm still going to be living at home trying to master the perfect pizza crust I'll also be slaving over my accounting book and taking these babysteps every day to continue toward my major goals.

peace.

YES, YES, total happiness is an UNDERSTATEMENT right now...

I finally figured it out... the solution to my problems.

It was right in front of me all along. Why the Hell don't I just live alone? I called the housing office first thing this morning and will be able to get switched immediately. I know living alone might not sound exciting to some but for a creative introvert like me there's nothing better.

I'm just imagining the possibilities:

-I'll have my OWN kitchen-- cooking videos on youtube with no worry of interruptions.

-My OWN bathroom-- shower and bathe whenever I want without worrying about my roommate needing to use it.

-Use my AMP!

Absolute privacy. 

..And the best part is that I've got it, even this late in the game. The only studio apartment left is a "remodeled apartment in Brooklane." For some reason when she said this it made me think of the most ghetto place in the world-- like the "apartment-that-was-just-messed-up-and-we-just-had-to-fix-it" and thus hadn't been rented out yet. Regardless I do not care what so ever, I am very happy with my circumstances.

Now I know exactly what I'm bringing and can look forward to styling the apartment any way I want. I need to get some stuff out of Dad's shed to figure out what I have and what I want to bring.

And don't tell anyone you guys but I might be bringing a certain someone... 

I'm not that nervous about moving Miranda to the new environment. She absolutely loves me and she's a really smart cat so I couldn't imagine her just running off. She's probably not going to like the harness training but I'm going to do it as a way to get her outside. I'm sure I'm not allowed to have pets at student village but I know that other people have pushed the rule as long as everything is kept clean. If anyone gives me any lip about it I will gladly say I have a history of anxiety and need my pet there to help alleviate it. It's the truth.

Alright now I need to get to work. I do have a guitar lesson later so I need to practice too and somehow get a copy of "In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth." I've been working on that for about a week but I've already got most of it done. Now Jake can't give me shit for not focusing on one song. He's gonna want to play master of puppets today more than likely so I need to get shred ready.

peace. 

August is here, time to get to work.

"Put it to Rest machine"

Goodmorning to any of my readers.

Today is one of those slow type days, the type where I have nothing really planned, will usually sit around and play guitar all day, and probably not write unless I get it done early. I feel like writing so here goes, the rare morning blog.

I had to be up around 9 this morning because I had a dentist appointment at 10:30. It was my Dentist's 40th birthday today and he got my filling done painlessly in about 20 minutes. They put so much anesthesia in my mouth it moved up to my right nostril. Right now I'm making chicken with rice. My mom is talking on the phone in the next room and it pains me to see her this hurt.... I love her so much, she works so hard and she doesn't deserve to done wrong by anyone. I'm planning on staying close to home here today and tomorrow because I'm trying to be there for her and bring her up as much as I can.


I have been feeling really broke lately. I'm trying not to spend into my last $100 before my paycheck and that can be hard when temptation is everywhere obviously. Man I have somehow not done a great job saving this summer. If I'm lucky they'll be able to transfer my job up to Yakima and I can continue making some minor form of income while going to school. Ha ha livin' the dream, poor person college life. I don't even think I make enough money or have good enough credit to apply for a JCP credit card more than likely, ha ha ha. I think this is one of the many reasons people drop out of college to find better jobs. Of course a lot of people do work more than me during the summer, shh..

Jay was really surprised that my parents still help me out with money. He said his parents stopped giving him allowance when he was about 14 (although he says he's been working for his Dad since he was 8). Honestly I don't even earn allowance, I just help out around the house somewhat and my parents give me money if I ask for it for the most part. I'm pretty lucky to have this option once and awhile in order to save more of the money I earn but I'm pretty sure Jay thinks I'm spoiled.

It's now 1 and I've eaten. Today should be productive. Oh I thought of a new goal coming home last night. This has been hanging over my head for weeks on end... After the Music Stopped is a book about the financial crisis that I plan to read for Sipic's class assignment. Okay that makes me happy and excited that it's August because I need to move out soon. I need to get ahold of the school about finding a roommate.

From this day forward I plan to read at least 10 pages of After the Music stopped every day to have accomplished reading a book this summer. 

Alrighty well I'll ttyl!

peace. 

By the skin of my teeth, I got a class.

I've had a pretty great day. Surprisingly enough, here we are toward the end of the quarter and this is usually when I'm the most stressed. I'm not that worried about this quarter because of my current circumstances. I've done pretty well on almost all of my tests and assignments in my three classes this quarter-- with the exception of the quiz I took today in English that I forgot to read for. BUT. I got 135/150 on my critique paper!! That's an A-. I'm so happy about that.

I got an 85% on my economics test. Another score. How well I've done in my classes was definitely because of how hard I worked this last week. This week I've been keeping up for the most part but because of this "double-Monday" (as my professor calls it, the day after a three day weekend and everybody feels like they're playing catch up. It's the truth) I've felt like this week is flying by.

Starbucks coffee cake. 

I had my regular coffee and coffee cake with Reina today at Starbucks. She told me for a second time today (I had forgot) that she's leaving after finals. I've had a nice time meeting with her every week. It's been a treat to learn even more about the Japanese culture; but more than anything it really did make life more tolerable when I first moved here and had nobody to talk too. I cooked myself my favorite lunch today as well.

Alright I've really got to get some more work done tonight. I studied with Matthew in the library from 3-5 today like I was assigned (even if the professor isn't making us prove that we're continuing to have these study groups or not) at the beginning of the quarter. It was good to get that done.

 I also lucked out today. I'm #1 on a wait list for a professional speaking class that I'm taking next quarter. Originally I was pretty sure I was taking technical writing but now I'm actually happy that I'm in that speech class. Reason being it will almost definitely take less time to do assignments for that class than for my technical writing class and I need all the time I can get with how difficult statistics is going to be. I think next quarter could potentially be my hardest quarter to date.

I'm not saying professional speaking is a class I'm super excited for, but I am just happy that I'm going to be taking a class to inch me closer to my goal of graduation. I have to take a full credit load in order to continue receiving my student loans, which means if I had not gotten this class I would have had to take a class I didn't need. Could you imagine how hard it would be to study for a class that meant nothing?

With my CBC classes I used to always make a check-list of my current progress and with Winter quarter coming to a close I'll show you guys where I'm at:

Business Degree, total 100 credits. 

Pre-Requisite Requirements (pre-admission)
Done:
-Accounting 251 (Winter 2012), 3.4, 5 cred
-Accounting 252 (Fall 2012), 3.0, 5 cred
-Legal Environment of Business (Fall 2012), 3.3, 5 cred
-Pre-Calculus (Fall 2012), 3.0, 5 cred

Total: 20 credits

Current: 
-Econ 201 (Winter 2013)
-Finite Math (Winter 2013)
-English 102 (Winter 2013)

Marginal credits: 15
Total: 35 credits

Spring 2013:
-Econ 202
-Bus 241. Introductory Business Statistics
-Com 345, Professional Speaking

Total: 50 credits

Thus completing half of my total 100 credits at the end of my Junior year. 

This would not have happened had I not done some research today. I actually realized I had made some dumb mistakes while using safari and kept on thinking all the classes were completely closed and full when I would accidently look at "Winter 2013"s stuff. Why would that be the automatic option on the drop down list? It bogs the whole system up.

Oh well, it all worked out. 

Being #1 on a wait list is pretty much a guarantee that you're going to be in the class. Someone always drops and most professors are willing to squeeze in just one more person in an already full class.

Okay talk to you later guys.

peace.

Taking a day to figure stuff out... insomnia

I'm skipping class today.

Well it's not really skipping if you feel like you really shouldn't go because it wouldn't have any benefit to you today. I got zero sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'm going to make a plan to fix this here and now.

I went to bed at 10 after drinking a glass of wine and taking half a motion sickness relief pill and I thought that'd be enough. Apparently not because I was up tossing and turning for the next three hours or so.

Yesterday wasn't a good day because of the stress of not talking to anyone for eight hours and it had a number on my appetite. For dinner I had half a grilled cheese, some quaker chips and some yogurt which I knew probably wasn't enough but because I wasn't feeling hungry necessarily and because the wine was making me sleepy I went ahead and went to bed. It was a mistake. There was so much crap on my mind that I didn't feel hungry enough to get up and eat something. So first of all, no more wine before bed. Though it relaxes me initially (which of course I like) it's not working for me to get adequate sleep and I feel it's one of the main reasons I've been tossing and turning all night. 

At 12 am I got up and had half a piece of wheat bread. Usually this does the trick for me if I can't sleep and know I'm hungry. This actually made it somewhat worse because as my appetite began to wake up so did my mind. However I chose to ignore it and continued to try to sleep. I had a prayer, please, just two hours of sleep or so is all I'd really need.... Everything happens for a reason.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up since I started taking Prozac because it makes me quite tired during the day when I combine it with lorazapam to combat anxiety. I have not lost faith in prozac yet, I've been weening myself off the lorazapam which is harder than I thought it would be. Last night at around 2 AM I took a half to hopefully relax me enough to sleep. Nope. Continue to cut back from lorazapam which is also one of the main reasons for sleepiness during the day. It's hard but I have to do it to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Or maybe instead of taking them during the day it'd be a better idea to take one at night before bed as my doctor advised when he first prescribed them.

Not only that but I went to bed with so much on my mind last night. I came out on my facebook about my problems with Central. This wasn't an easy task for me because in all honesty I'm slightly humiliated about it-- even if my mom says being in a new environment like this and my current circumstances would make many people stressed out. I have such high expectations for myself with the guitar and my studies that I've always got something to get done. Unfortunately this has left me very isolated and here it is almost February and I'm still trying to make adjustments to make my life better here.

Medication has been helpful in a number of ways, like classes haven't had me as hung up as they did last quarter to the point that I felt like I was having panic attacks in class. No, class has really become my happy time of the day, it's all of the time that I'm not in class that get to me. I applied for a position as an English tutor yesterday so I'm hoping to get the position.

Working here on campus was originally out of the question for me because I kept thinking, "Oh I'd never have time to get my guitar practicing in and my schoolwork if I have  a job..." but my Dad had a sit down talk with me this last weekend and convinced me otherwise. It was Sunday evening and I had a bit of a breakdown when I started feeling anxiety about coming back here again (an extreme case of this, though I didn't realize it at the time, was around Thanksgiving before finals when I was having panic attacks my last couple days at home nearly all the time).

Both of my parents feel awful about the situation here and are doing everything they can to help me. I feel like my friends from back home are the same way, they're so extremely supportive. I openly admitted on my facebook last night that these have been some of the hardest months of my life, and it's true. When you have depression and/or anxiety tendencies like I do, isolation can exasperate the symptoms and because I'm living in such a stressful environment in general with all the stuff I have to get done it's led me to feeling far different than I've ever felt.

Not really talking to anyone for hours on end is the absolute pits. I've had to work especially hard to keep my head busy...

Wow I'm getting extremely tired now. I got up and threw up this morning because I was so stressed out about making my decision to not go to class today even if I know it's always an important lecture day-- especially in Finite because we're going through the most difficult part of the chapter. I'm probably going to go to one of the tutors tonight to get me caught up today.

I do have some plans, Allie and I are going to eat lunch together at 1-ish and I've got my first group counciling meeting at 3. Until then I plan to sleep a bit, eat, probably study and practice a little... I don't know, trying to just mellow out today because it's been a hard week so far.

peace.

My plans to make changes.

I realize in order to change my near constant anxiety and depression with this place I have to begin filling my time. I have too much time on my hands that I've allowed myself to spend alone, which I'm pretty sure is the main reason I've been having such difficulties. I have to start making an effort to make changes to get away from this isolation. I've always been afraid to dedicate myself to anything here because I take my grades and the guitar so seriously that I always allow myself to have a good amount of time each day to do them. Today though, and over the past couple days, I've felt so miserable that I've been barely able to enjoy practicing the guitar at all. I need to create a better balance in my life to achieve a better experience here. It's not too late.

I went on Safari tonight to try and find a couple things going on around campus in the next couple weeks. I found that every Thursday on the SURC patio they give out hot chocolate and flyers that list events happening in the following weeks-- good, that's a start, I can begin putting things on my calendar. On the 22nd (the day after Martin Luther King day) there's going to be a few guest speakers coming and doing an hour long seminar. I guess I'll go to that too, why the Hell not.

As for clubs, I took a closer look at the list. I've decided I do not want to do Karate club because it's not a class-- more than likely everyone that's in it has experience in karate. Maybe in the spring I will join the tennis club.

So tomorrow I'm going to go back to that office after class to get the information for the following:
- The A.U.A.P. friends club (basically an international club)
- The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM)
- The tennis club

As well as get information on student employment. I talked to my mom and she thinks that would be really good for me however the idea of trying to plan my studies and guitar around that scares me. BUT. I'm willing to give it a try. I have too. I need to have a plan to achieve a better amount of peace here.

*Maybe*, just maybe, that would be for the best. Not only would I feel better about taking lessons because I could earn a little money and pay for it but it can also help me feel a better sense of purpose to work. I don't know, one step at a time. At least I have a plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be an excellent day for this too because I don't have my finite math class for some reason. All I have is econ., which I did go to tutoring for today and got a private session who did help significantly.

This evening after coming back from my economics tutor I passed the multipurpose building and saw a ton of people funneling in there. My conscious told me, "You should go check it out." I did, and turns out it was practice for traditional Japanese dance. They'd been practicing for a month so obviously I'm not just going to hop in but I did meet a couple people briefly and one girl told me this was through the A.U.A.P Friend's Club. Now that I've been in there and checked it out I've decided to look into that club as well. It's basically a club where you can meet international students and stuff. So even if I made an awkward dork of myself to just show up to their practice I'd like to see what they're all about.

One Japanese guy came up and was like, "You should join!!" I'm like... err, I don't know, I haven't ever practiced this. So yeah for the most part they seemed pretty friendly.

And! I just texted Allie and we're going to have lunch tomorrow.

I prayed to God to please give me the answers of how I'm going to make friends and I now feel driven to give this school another chance. Jesus gives me strength wherever I go, even in these hard times where I feel so lost and alone. Lol though I have to give my parents some credit on suggesting to try to get a part time job on campus. One step at a time.

peace.

I want to like it here.

Lovely tracks keep playing in my head the past few days:

-I hate this school. 

-I should have done more research before coming here.

-I'm so alone. 

-I'm so lonely. 

-I have no friends here. 

-I'm so afraid of having a panic attack in this class....

-What am I going to do?

The more I think it the more it feels like a truth to me. I've always had problems with this growing up, feeling as though everything is worse than it probably is. Though I feel like Lorazapam is the only thing getting me by at this point. I just can't take the quiet. It gives me too much time to think and because I have a tendency to have depression the more I think the worse it gets. 

So this week my goal is to find a club. Finding something to do that will both get me out of this damn apartment and meet people will help a lot. At the beginning of the year I wanted to join a club but gave up when I couldn't get the proper contact information because every time I'd try to go to the office it'd be closed. Today I was lucky enough to actually get in the office and they printed me out a list of clubs. There's 100 clubs here, MOST of which are major specific (though they don't have mine) which eliminated a little over half the list. Then there's hobby clubs, like gaming, trading cards, clay,... mostly stuff I'm not interested in at all either. I think on that list of 100 I circled "International Club" and got the contact information for that adviser. 

That just leaves the sports clubs-- I circled tennis, ultimate frisbee and karate. That made me really excited because I've always wanted to try karate. Of course the office didn't have any of the contact information for the sports clubs.... That's so f*ing typical of Central, you have to get redirected to 10 different people before you can get a solid answer on anything. The lady that would have had that information wasn't in the office. Initially the girl told me she'd get back to me today, but as I was packing up my stuff she said "If you don't hear from her in 3 days come back and see me."  

So I'm really crossing my fingers that she does email that information to me so I can get the ball rolling on this. I'm a little nervous about it because I've never done karate in my life. I'm having a feeling a lot of the people in the club are going to have prior experience. Ultimate frisbee sounds like a good idea too; Jason had brought it up to me last night. Hell maybe I could join both. 

I just need something. Something to meet people besides class because class obviously isn't the best place for that because we don't just sit around talking among eachother. I originally relied on hoping I'd make friends in class and everything would just fall into place but it didn't. Clearly, I have to make an effort here or I'm going to feel like I'm in prison/house arrest as long as I'm here. 

I got pizza today for lunch, sat alone in the SURC again.... Actually when I got the food and I was looking around at the tables I quickly walked back to grab a paper bag so I could just shove the food in and go home. I stopped myself when I realized it wouldn't fit and looked around again. I found an empty spot at a larger table with a few people on their laptops. I ate very quickly, threw half of it away and left. 

Today I did find another outlet of getting out my apartment, though. There's an economics tutor every day at 5:40 that I can go to for getting some clarity on the material. There's also the finite math tutor. I feel like if I try to go to tutoring every day I can both benefit my grades and not feel as depressed of how much time I spend pent up in my room. 

I don't feel like playing the guitar or studying or anything right now.... I think I'm going to take a nap until 2' or so before I can even try to get anything done. Maybe I'll wake up feeling a little better. 

peace. 

I lied I'm stuck here, haha.

Second choice to my "Black and White" pic for Day 4 of the photo challenge.

This one is significantly not as cute as the one I took on my desk today. 

I kind of feel like a photo whore but it's become a somewhat enjoyable part of my day... and has been forcing me to wear makeup instead of being a lazy slob like I could have this past week.

This certainly hasn't been a lazy week though, I've really made an effort to study at least a half hour-an hour of math each day and I've also managed to look over my legal material every day as well. To be honest I haven't even cracked the book. I've just been looking at old tests. I might be overly confident about my knowledge of contract laws, but I'm going into that exam confident tomorrow. And hey, if I get really stumped on a few problems, it IS open book... And I even ghetto tabbed the book so that I can locate the chapters that I need more quickly.

Today I went to a math review in a different classroom. Again, I've got a decent feel for it. I got an 83 on my 4th test which means my grade is currently sitting pretty still at a B+. I'm pretty happy about that.

I can't go to UW next year. I got a call from the business adviser and she basically told me in order to get into their competitive business program I would to have had to take calculus AGAIN there as well as a legal class AGAIN... Going to UW would make this quarter basically pointless. Hardly any of my credits would transfer there, and I wouldn't even be able to get into the business program itself until SPRING.... Not, not, not worth it. That councilor told me straight up that it's not advised to come in as a senior.

So that's it! I am definitely getting my business degree here, there's no doubt about that. I'm not too depressed about it, like it's not that bad here.. It's just better than living at home, having to driiiiive all over the place, dealing with the chaos of my house, etc.

Who knows though, if I get good grades here there's no reason why I couldn't go for my master's degree at UW. I could try getting a job over in Seattle in my field after graduation and start working on that degree if I really wanted to... Get it all done early while my brain is still this spongy and active, lol.

I just wish the campus life here was a little better. I also wish I could meet some normal girls to go out with. I'm planning on having a lot of fun and spending lots of time with people in the Tri-cities, as I've said before. I think once I meet some girls to hang out with things will get a lot better.

Jared J. bailed on the plans we'd made this weekend. He told me he's gotta get ready for finals. Uh, on a Friday? And why haven't you been getting prepared earlier? Ugh, guess most people aren't as proactive as I am. I don't care. It's starting to feel like forever since I've crushed on anyone, which can make time seem even slower here sometimes. Maybe I just wanted Jared to feel like I was crushing on someone... those feelings I once had for him are more than likely not there anymore.

I'm so much like my Dad. I bitch when I'm alone but I'm the happiest when I'm alone when I'm getting stuff done.

I'm getting so much better at the guitar, good God Jacob is a good teacher. The other day I felt like I had a "click" of some kind when I was working on improvisation. Like I had a good feeling that yes, I am really improving, keep going to see more incredible things unfold from your very fingers.... I'm really excited to have a couple lessons with Jacob when I come home.

peace.

Thoughts of transferring my senior year, and people I want to see!

This was my second choice to my December photo-a-day of "something you held." Sorta blurry.

 I've held onto my tennis racket for a couple years even if I no longer use it. I plan to play again someday... Just not nearly as competitively as I did at one time. I also of course have kept a couple band t-shirts from that time. 

Talked to my mamma on the phone today.

She was in a meeting but happened to just be on break. I told her that I have been extremely bored the past few days because I've been waiting for my finals on Thursday and Friday. She said with sort of a saddened tone, "I know I've been hearing that a lot about Central lately whenever I bring it up..." I told her I didn't know what to do. I knew in my mind that transferring probably wouldn't be the best option, especially now. I'm going to give Central at least a year, I know that much. But to find another college that is both A) On the quarter system and B) has a business program that at least equal to Central's, and of course C) won't have out of state tuition is hard.

University of Washington is really my only option. If I work really hard to keep my grades up this year, and make sure to take credits that are transferable to their business program without problems, I should have a great shot of going to UW my senior year. It would be more expensive, but I definitely think it would be worth it. 

Now that I have experienced university classes this year I realize now what I'm up against. These level classes are more difficult but I know that I can do it. I would of course be living on campus there so I really wouldn't have to venture too much into the Seattle area, though the option will be there and it will be an incredible experience!

Central is just too quiet, I need more than this. I will take full advantage of Central every day of my Junior year here. I will work hard, still try to meet people and have a good time here, but after this year I now have a new goal to get out. Being at Central is survivable because I am close enough to home that I can drive home on practically any weekend if I'm feeling lonely or isolated to the point that I can't take it anymore.

While I'm here I'm also going to of course really focus on the guitar. In Seattle there are tons of brilliant musicians and I always want to be able to hold my ground next to them as a REAL guitarist. I think there is a lot Seattle can offer for me, even if the traffic aspect scares me. Alberto S.'s sister came from Benton City and she was fine, I think I can handle it too. I bet Qiuzi can help me figure out the bus system as well.

My heart is telling me this right. My heart is also telling me to definitely stay here for a year and focus extremely hard on my studies. Knowing I don't have to stay here for two years will make my experience at Central much more pleasant, I think. I'll want to take more advantage of activities here now that I know I won't be here for two years like I'd originally planned. So that will be one of my new years resolutions-- to really make the most of the rest of my time here, even if it can get deadly quiet and I haven't met too many people I've connected with enough to want to hang out with instead of play guitar.

Because that's the thing, any time that I'm spending with someone I don't truly want to be spending time with, I feel like I'm wasting my time and really should be practicing guitar or using my time more constructively. That's why I am at least somewhat selective about who I spend time outside of school with, I suppose. Even if I enjoy having tons of acquaintances and keeping up with their lives. I care about them as well.

Some people that I'd really like to see over Christmas break, to name a few...
-Katelynn, of course.

-Samantha, of course (which means I'll also see Shawn, Kevran, Aaron.. Always nice to see as well)

-Jacob and Andrew!!! Getting guitar lessons back at the studio again so you know I'm so excited.

-Seth F.

-Gardenia S. (this is new, she's awesome!)

-Josie D., haven't seen her in ages, it'll be interesting as Hell to catch up with her if I can get a day she's not working

-Danni M., again, very interesting to catch up with...

-Jordan G., another great old friend of mine who I'd like to get ahold of.

-Brad P. probably on a Thursday when I'm in Richland for guitar. See his kids, bullshit with Brad, same ole same ol

peace. 

Winter break's coming up

Damn, I wish I would have asked his name...

I sometimes don't take hints or act quickly enough, and I think this is one of the reasons I've stayed single this long. I was standing in line today for book buybacks and this totally, totally hot guy got in line behind me. I had my books in my hands-- my precalc and accounting, and he was clearly staring at me. We made eye contact a couple times, I think I probably closed mouth smiled and kept walking, somehow anticipating the line to be longer. He asked me what accounting I was in. Surprised that he said anything to me, I said "252...you?" I noticed he was holding an accounting book as well. He responded, "A lot lower."

By then it was my turn in line. I turned and he sold his book back as well. As I left the line I looked over and wondered if he'd end up saying something else to me, and kind of wished I had asked his name before I stepped up to sell my book. I ended up getting $90 for my books, which I was stoked about. Apparently they only bought back 40 of the accounting 252 books and the rest would be SOL.

He walked away the other direction. There was some "Ware fair" going on in the SURC today but I really wasn't interested... I always feel so awkward in the surc. I don't really know anyone aside from these kids at the "Magic" cards table... which I would not fit into either and have no intention of trying. I have nothing in common with these people, either.

With cash in hand I didn't really want to look around at the "wares" people were selling, it all just looked like pointless craft show junk. I stopped at a table to rearrange some of my things. There were a guy and a girl sitting there. The guy looked like your typical out of shape, funky haircut, unkempt gamer. The girl looked normal enough so I debated if I wanted to sit down and perhaps strike up a conversation... At this time I was  putting my purse into my bag for the bikeride home.

Immediately I knew I didn't want to talk to these people when the girl opened her mouth and started being extremely loud and annoying, saying "Fuck!!" about three times in a few sentences. Realizing there was nothing for me in the Surc that day that would not be a waste of time, I left.

This school often feels a little like prison. I spend so much time studying and playing guitar in my room, especially lately that I have no guy that I'm interested in. There's someone I'm sort of into in the tri cities but what would the point of that be, it would just make me want to go home more often.

I don't know if I am REALLY looking forward to going home for the holidays, even if it is sort of the lesser of two evils in comparison to this place. At home I don't eat hardly anything because I can't stand the food my family eats. Here I cook three meals a day, I clean up after myself, and make sure I get the nutrients I need. All of my food is fresh and not passed the expiration date.

My Dad will make PBJ and leave a sticky mess all over the counter for someone else to clean up. It's practically impossible to keep up with because my sister leaves her little messes everywhere as well. 

At home... it's just processed junk foods, half the stuff in the fridge I have no idea when it was put there. Expiration dates don't bother my family. My Dad never wraps things properly, nor cleans up after himself so I'll go into the kitchen and there's crumbs and shit everywhere, like little globs of jelly on the counter...

The messes and not being able to find food to eat stresses me out and I end up taking it out on everyone else. I certainly don't feel comfortable, especially without my computer there. When I go home for Christmas break I'm going to have to make sure to bring my computer, which because it's a big heavy desktop computer, is a huge pain in the ass.

I choose to go home instead of stay at Central because there's at least stuff to do and people to talk to at home. I look forward to spending a lot of time with Katelynn and Samantha, thus I really put that $90 directly into my bank account and go easy on the spending the next week or so to prepare for all the driving around.

No matter what happens, I just want to make sure the panic attacks don't come back... They were pretty bad when I was at home, but if I have my computer there and a place to sit and practice I should be okay. There was no place to practice last time I went back aside from the kitchen table which is awful because my sister and Jimmy are always in the living room watching TV.

I'm just really hoping that with the medication and the self-therapy I will be able to just relax at home and have a nice vacation from Ellensburg.

I've got my guitar lesson in four hours so I need to practice as well as work on my math. Thus far today I've only done about a half hour.

peace. 

There shouldn't be guilt in spending money on what you love

I've really been able to get into my routine here at Central, and I'm really feeling myself to begin to enjoy my life. My Dad and I got into an argument this morning, unfortunately... I called him asking if he'd put money in my account and he said he was planning to when he stopped by the bank on his way home today. That's always really appreciated. He asked me how I'd been doing, I forgot to tell him that I got a 96% on my accounting test. I probably should have.

..Should have told him about my accounting class achievement BEFORE I told him about the new expenditure, that is. I told him that I'd been doing really well because I was taking lessons with Jacob again. He's like, "What? How much is this gonna cost?" And I'm like, "$80 a month, but it's the ONLY thing that I do here.."

Then he goes into how he thought I was apparently going to get a part time job here and that this student loan thing has been more to pay than he'd ever anticipated and that he wasn't prepared for this. I then felt a tremendous amount of guilt for having started guitar lessons again, even though it's my money that I am paying toward it that... well, he's right, I probably shouldn't be spending.

Ugh, my heart is pounding so hard right now. I can feel it in my chest. I took one of my prenatal vitamins a second ago and sometimes the size of the pill startles me, like I can feel it in my chest and that leads me to feeling panicky. Gah, I wish I could just relax you guys. It's been getting better over the past few days though, mainly because I'm keeping my classes completely in check and haven't been feeling a tremendous amount of stress about school.

I got done with my Chapter 17 homework today. You know, I think I'm going to write out all of the homework I've got to do before the end of the quarter. I've got some major time this weekend without a significant amount of homework, maybe I could make life easier for myself for the next couple weeks and get some of this done early.

Legal:
-Chapter 18 homework (Due 11/14). I could read ahead this weekend and do this anytime. 
-Chapter 19 homework (Due 11/16). This opens on the 12th so I'll do this next Tuesday.
-Quiz Chapter 14/15 (Due 11/15). Another quiz on contracts, blegh. Contracts are so boring to read about but I'm getting through them okay. This is due on the 15th, but I could do this sometime this weekend and make things easier next week. 

That's it before the final.

Math:

HW 13 - Thu, Nov 15

Webwork HW13

HW 14 - Mon, Nov 19

Webwork HW14

HW 15 - Mon, Nov 26

Webwork HW15

HW 16 - Thu, Nov 29

Webwork HW16

Math is pretty straight forward. I don't think I can nessasarily work ahead on them though because I have to study in class to understand the material. No working ahead in that one, but I'm getting a nice break from it this weekend before we get our tests back on Monday. Like I said I think I did okay.

I'll meet logarithms again on the next test. Calculus has been a lot different than any math class I've taken. I can honestly say it's been easier than Math 98, much, MUCH easier in fact. We haven't done hardly any factoring. Most of the problems we've done in pre-calc have been like logic puzzles. Knowing how to move things around the right way to make x stand alone. 

Montgomery never makes his test problems that tricky. They're always very straight forward to the concept. It's like, if you don't know how to do the problems he gives you on the test, it means you didn't study the concept very well. I admittedly didn't study interest in my math class as much as I should have, so any penalty I got on the test for it will be well deserved.

I can't move my margins over and it's making me mad.

Anyway for my accounting class! Most importantly... 

I don't know what the homework problems are but I have to MASTER chapters 12 and 15. I am not going to post the homework for that class but I will say that this weekend I'm going to pound the information from those chapters until I get it. I got a 96 on my second test, so if I score high on the third I can still get a good grade in his class. 

Because I got a 60% on the first test and a 96% on the second, right now I am sitting at a 78%. That means if I get at least an 90% on the third... 

Lol QUESTIONMARK-QUESTIONMARK-QUESTIONMARK

I can bump it up to an 82% test grade. My goal is to get at least a 90% on that third exam. I can do it if I really try. 

I have no idea where that quiz grade that we took shortly after the test will play into my overall grade. This class has been so nutty, but it's really forced me to study and work hard. I think I'll take a lot out of it. 

That's all I really had to say today. Just getting ready for finals for a relaxing thanksgiving break. Excited to get my tattoo!!! 14 days until I've got needles in the back of my neck! 

peace. 

I love rye bread.

Today's been an extremely productive Saturday, I'm pretty proud of myself. When I really set my mind to it, I get sh*t done.

This morning I went to safeway and bought groceries. I spent like $75 on replenishing the things I tend to consume almost every day; like chicken patties, apples, grapes, milk, bread.. I have a pretty simple diet, but I do eat really healthy which can get expensive. I have to stockpile the freezer with frozen veggies to squeeze in a serving with dinner.

I loooove Rye bread, this was $5 versus all the other loafs that were $2.99 or so. 

One thing that I do splurge on when I grocery shop is bread. Whenever I grocery shop I'll get the best loaf of bread I can find and a bag of fresh bagels. I love Rye bread, my family never bought it so I feel some weird sense of independence buying it just because I like it. That's one of the many reasons living alone with a little money saved up is fun. 

Coffee is so expensive, I bought Folgers French roast today which is a medium-dark blend so I'm excited to try that tomorrow. I also got my Monsters for Monday and Wednesday. 

Another reason today was noticeably good was because I studied math for two entire hours and I've got a much better grasp on functions now. Turns out I gave way less credit to Montgomery than he deserved. While I was looking for the blackboard examples I stumbled upon a complete guide for the chapter written by Montgomery himself. Everything is worded very clearly in this document and has been MUCH more helpful than the worthless pre-calc textbook that I've been trying to use.

Even the professor hates that textbook... That's why he wrote his own. That makes me pretty relieved because all this time I thought I was only going to have my chicken scratch notes as a resource in that math class. 

Yeah, I really don't have much to say today. I'll probably play more guitar and study accounting tonight, normal day I suppose. This next week shouldn't be too bad if I study hard this weekend. Tomorrow I've got to take the Chapter 5/6 quiz for my legal class, that'll be easy enough because we've moved from the legal system to tort laws so it's a bit more interesting. 

Holtfreter told us he's going to send us the test format to study this weekend so I'm gonna check that out tonight to get a better feel for what's going to be on the test for Monday. I don't know if he was planning on e-mailing it to us or what because we haven't used the internet at all in his class. Hopefully I'll be able to find it...

This has just been a lot of uninteresting school blah blah, excuse me. At least I feel peaceful and not particularly stressed about anything. 

peace. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hello everyone! Happy Birthday to Me!!

New picture of me in glasses, I actually wear them quite a bit in class in comparison to my life outside of school. I really enjoy going to school when I'm on top of things. I guess that's how today was. The fruits of my efforts this weekend paid off, I was able to pay attention in all three of my classes indiscriminately-- without being too confused or frantic because "SHIIIIIT I READ THE MATERIAL BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANNNNYTHING...." That's sort of how it felt the second day of law class. Today was the third, things went MUCH better and I got my participation points FAIRLY-- by having solid answers. Boo-yah. I felt that was sort of a reward for the... probably eight hours of study I did this last weekend.

It cracks me up to think I was going to have some guitar lesson business. I plan to give Corey B. lessons, and whoever else happens to come to me about it, but I will not be advertising lessons anymore. Actually, I would take down those signs but since nobody has called I don't care. I assume they will take down the signs in a month or so anyhow. I've got too much work to do, and any free time I get here will be spent with friends once I find some. Eventually, these things will happen in time. I'm beginning acquaintances with some people. I should start briefly talking about them here to keep track of people I meet....

Natasha H., she sits next to me in Accounting 252. She was one of the first people I met because she came in a little late and was stuck sitting in the handicap desk next to mine (nothing against handicap people, it's just not the first desk people run for). She's really cool, laid back, we're all sort of helping eachother out in this collaborative learning situation... It's sort of bizarre, I've never been in a class like it.

The professor had us divide into groups on the first day, which is how I met Burnadette, this girl that sits next to me in my law class as well (well, starting today). She's really intelligent, prepared and laid back. She clearly reads the material and takes her studies seriously like I do so I decided she'd be a good person to be in a group with. She's got a really funny, dry sense of humor too. I'm pretty we're going to help eachother out this quarter. 

My accounting class is two hours long and the professor only partially lectures. He's following a different classroom setup called the collaborative learning approach where we basically get into groups and review the homework together over the material that we read in the book. This would seem questionable to a lot of students because it might seem like this is just a good way for a professor to slack off, but I actually think it's more like the State requires this particular course to be taught in this backwards fashion. 

When I went to CBC I took the equivalent accounting 102 course for a few days during Spring quarter (my last quarter) but ended up dropping it because I was feeling too lazy. But that managerial accounting class had the same format, the professor split us into groups and had us come up with team names. She could catch us off guard with questions so you'd have to be on top of your work all the time. Teams would get points and lose points for extra credit so there was an air of competition. She was like an Accounting Senora Schmick! 

Makes me think I actually got off easy. My accounting professor has been teaching for 20 years so he's probably not entirely adjusted to these methods. At times he'll almost apologize for the way he's teaching it, like today he said-- "This is a special class, if you take a class like this you get hands on learning and it's very important."  Like he's quoting some presentation that told him how he was supposed to teach the class. So in following this he really just breaks us into groups, we do worksheets, then discuss the problems in class. When he does lecture it's not bad, it makes sense but at times can get really redundant.

Four hours is a long time to pay attention to lectures, period. I walked back and forth twice today so my body is pretty exhausted on top of it. The business building seems soooo far away.

The guitar is becoming a weird second nature to me. I don't know if it's that I've improved to the point that it's that much more comfortable for long periods of time or that I've hit a wall and I'm no longer improving. No, I'd like to believe that if I continue to do these picking exercises and spend the amount of time practicing I'll continue to improve and not hit a wall.... The possibilities are endless really. What I AM saying is that I've hit a wall of knowing what I want to play. I wanted to upload phantom of the opera but it's still not clean/comfortable enough to upload to the internet. I'd still give that a few more weeks. Once I'm done with that I'm done with Iron Maiden on guitar, for GOOD. . . . well, until I learn some music from other artists.


Things sure have improved since my last birthday. I remember going over to Jessika B.'s house for the first time. This started the chain of sketchy scenarios with her throughout the next couple months. Anyway, long story short, ended up calling into work the next day because I was hungover and had a grand time with her almost certainly alcoholic, creep ass roommate. I will never.... again... I don't even know what I was thinking, seriously. Thank God I found the guitar, otherwise my self esteem might still be that low...

1 year 10 months!

That's how long it's been now since I've been in a official relationship! Can you believe it, that's nuts, almost two entire years now! It's okay, it's funny this last year I've gotten such a different perspective on the whole thing it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Actually, I've found I'm the most relaxed when I'm not really involved with guys at all. Jason and I are.... DONE. We pretty gracefully cut that off.

He first tried blowing me off. I asked him why we weren't talking and that the "no communication" was making me frustrated. I asked him what his deal was. He told me this wasn't the time to talk about it. No response from me. He told me he was no longer interested. I told him okay, I respect that, we're no longer dating. See you around my friend, nice talking to you. Goodbye.

THEN. He has the nerve to drunken text me that night. Ugh, so rude. Men need to learn some respect.

peace.

Wtf is the point of calculus for a business major, can someone please explain that?

I feel pretty satisfied because I got 14 hours last week, that was my goal upon moving here that I'll cut down my regular three hours a day to just two, that way I still get an adequate amount of practice time but don't completely cut myself off from the outside world. There's a lot going on here so I need to be careful to not let my guitar be the only important thing in my life besides school.

Today I had to come home because I was frustrated. Math class itself went well but when I sat down to do my pencil-paper homework I found myself really unsure about my answers. I'm going to make sure to try and do the online math assignment if I can get into the system to be able to check my answers, but if that doesn't work I'm just going to have to cross my fingers that I can still do some of this stuff. I had a pretty hard  time with it this afternoon, and this is the review material... makes me wonder how in the Hell I'm supposed to dive into this new stuff.

That's why I've really got to buckle down.... Hypothetically if I were to fail this math class I would lose all sense of hope, drop out of school and kill myself. Not really, of course, but this really is going to be one of my main hurdles here that could destroy my life very quickly if I don't keep on top of it. Once I get into my major itself I'm not as scared but this stupid pre-calc class, finite math and statistics are probably going to fuck me up pretty hard this next year. That's why I just have to take it day by day, work my ass off and hope to God that's enough.

Usbank would actually be my LAST choice in banks. If I had to switch from Sterling I'd probably use Gesa. At least it's better than like, Wells Fargo or something... But still, not a fun decision to make today. I would have liked it to smoothly.

I had to get my new debit card today, which is an uneasy decision for me to make anyway because I really don't like that my money is now in two separate accounts. It was the smart decision to make because every time I would take out money they would charge me $6 so I'd be spending a fortune if I continued to use my Sterling card everywhere. When the bank teller was filling out the paperwork for the new card, she needed my student ID. She didn't give it back to me and I ended up leaving without it.

I went allllll the way to the library to do my math homework (big mistake, I think I'll study somewhere else next time, it's way too hot in there) and when I tried to log into a computer I reached into my wallet and realized the ID card wasn't there. Pissed off, I trudged all the way back to the student union building and asked her if she had my ID card. The bimbo didn't have it, I left her my number and told me to call me when she found it.

She will never find it. I'm going to have to go to the office and get a new card tomorrow, even if I really liked my old one. Hopefully they've got that picture stored on file so they can just use it. I absolutely refuse to pay for a new one, a card is something I NEVER lose-- it was 100% the bank teller's fault. This might seem like a minor thing but with me it's a huge inconvenience.

I'm going to meditate and play guitar. I feel so angry today I could just scream. There must be other reasons for it... other reasons for my frustration. I don't think it's loneliness because I don't feel that sense of longing. Come to think of it I wouldn't want anybody here either way. I think I'm MORE angry that math is going to be such an issue this quarter; the review page just didn't click to me today and that scares me. Algebra has never been my strongest subject, it's always just been something I've scraped by with and always wish that it'd be my last. This quarter FOR SURE is my last ALGEBRA class, but then I've still got finite math.


peace. 

Trying to have patience with my Dad...

This is a picture of myself that I took this morning. Figured I needed a new picture for my new environment. Today's been quiet and I haven't been doing anything really. My parents were supposed to be coming for dinner but because they're working around my Dad's annoying schedule that's been practically impossible. His truck had an issue yesterday that he had to take to TJ. TJ didn't get a chance to take a look at it until 3' or so but they still should have come up in my Mom's van. Whatever, it's fine it's not like I'd be up to much else today anyway.

I've been feeling sort of shy and awkward in comparison to myself at home, though I feel simultaneously comfortable and relaxed. There's writing on my walls all over the place so I guess that's what's keeping me busy. I went out into the school yesterday and didn't really like it. I went to the super desolate library and got scared half to death by the closing alarm. Either way, it's Saturday so there was nothing to do here but sit around and play guitar anyway.

Jason is moving here tomorrow which means I'll probably be spending some time with him. He'll probably be the first guest to my place besides my parents. Kristin's parents have been here all day. I met them this morning and tried to be friendly but it's weird... I feel kind of awkward, like I'm saying offensive things. Maybe it's because I've been so quiet lately I've been paying more attention to the things that I say.

Either way, I'm still happy to be here. I feel happy to not be asking for Rite Aid wellness + cards.

My Dad's probably just got done at Burger ranch in prosser because he hadn't eaten since 8 this morning. Damn it.

peace. 

Everything has changed....

..But at the same time nothing's changed.

Here's my right side of the room, as you can see this will be where I spend a great amount of time.

I'm still sitting here at a desk, on the computer. Played guitar for 90 minutes and it's only 7:42 PM, got all my scales, arpeggios, picking and chords done which means it's time to PLAY! I'm only going to play 40 more minutes though unless I get some paperwork done for my business. I think the first thing I should get done is my flyers. Get some students lined up. Maybe I should post an internet ad first. 

Before I do that though I need to figure out what times I'm going to schedule students.. there's still a lot of work that needs to be done before I can get this off the ground but I just need to buckle down and get it done. I'm also going to need to find a place that has a copier. I figure if I make one general starting packet then I can make copies of the pages for each student that I book. 

I just have keep telling myself that I AM good enough for this. Neilsen might've had a broader spectrum then me but he was a terrible teacher and still managed to get students. I'm going to put way more effort into my lessons than Neilsen, Aaron or Brian ever did... Jacob has just created very high expectations in myself. I want to give lessons that are as thorough as those that were given to me but this won't happen overnight. I can only try my best and realize that I'm going to make mistakes.

Same goes with my business degree here at Central. I've just gotta study hard, if I study every day it doesn't matter how difficult the material is, I can do this if I set small goals and milestones to get there. During my previous lesson with Jacob he actually sat down with me and wrote down a goal setting process where you can write down your long term, short term, 90 day and 30 day goals and then the small steps you're going to take today to get there. When you look at this goal sheet before bed, these long term goals stick in your mind at night and your brain focuses in on them subconsciously. The next day you feel that much more inspired to set new goals to accomplish your overall goals. 

My whiteboard on the side wall describes my daily goals. Every day when I get up in the morning I will write down my goals for the day and it will serve as a constant reminder of what I need to get done and how to really live for each day to my full advantage. 

I know that all this goal setting seems crazy, but it's really my way of holding together right now. This transition has been a lot for me already. Yesterday the move in was easy enough, aside from the fact that we're on the third floor and had to haul tons of stuff up three flights of stairs. I'm very happy with my living situation, though!

My room is BIG! I'd say it's a third bigger than my room at home in all directions. It's even tall, the slanted ceiling makes me feel like I'm in a ski lodge. This room has excellent feng shui, I was able to set up everything with ease with my immense amount of storage space. My parents were so smart about getting me set up to live on my own. There are so many things that I didn't even realize I use from a day to day basis that my Mom remembered to buy. My parents have done so much for me these past 20 years and I look forward to an incredible 20 more but it really was time for me to leave the nest. 

We were all really sad initially, my Mom called and talked about the emptiness in the house and that it's really strange not having me there. I agree, I feel strange not being there. Everything is quiet. My roommate and I are just roommates. I'm not really interested in creating a super close friendship with her because I think that would just create problems and co-dependency in the long run. I also think we already have a very good mutual respect for eachother's space, privacy and stuff. Things really couldn't get better on that end but obviously I want to meet some new friends and have people over soon. 

I feel comfortable here, I'm not really nervous about my classes or anything. I do feel lonely at the moment because I don't really know anybody yet nor have I made a huge effort to meet people. Reason being hardly anyone's here yet, the official move in day is tomorrow so people are going to be hauling all there crap in every direction. This seems like a good day to do my laundry, there's going to be a lot of people around versus this afternoon where it was very desolate everywhere you turn. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow! I did get my parking permit today so that's taken care of. My parents are coming up on Saturday to deliver some stuff I need and figure out the deal with financial aid. I sort of screwed up because I told Housing that I'll be paying for my apartment with my student loans but my parents don't want to do that, they'd rather just pay it out of pocket and avoid that expense later. Obviously I like the second option better but I already messed up my files and it's probably going to be a huge pain to change it back later in the week. 

I've spent a lot of money since I got here.. I'm sure I'm down to $140 by now from my payday last Thursday. My parents are going to help me out though. I'm hoping that I'll hardly have to ask once I get the ball rolling with lessons.

peace. 

I'll just take my 10 lbs of muscle milk and go now.

How's it going?

I'm fantastic. Today was my last day at Rite Aid, course I didn't realize this until halfway through my shift but now that I'm done... WOOHOOOOOO!!! Never working retail again. It feels weird to now know that I don't have a job but so much is going to happen to me in the next month or so I can hardly contain the excitement.

I was going to run out to Kennewick today but my stupid phone ended up dying. It was fully charged this morning but apparently I forgot to completely back out of the Spotify program and it sucked out all it's life in two hours. I swear to God that stupid phone is either dead or deactivated more than I'm able to use it. Jason just texted me, he's a lot better about texting than I am but we've been talking for over a month now. I'm wondering how our friendship is going to play out when we're at school, it'll be nice to have a friend up there from the get go but I'm sure if it's anything at all like orientation I'll meet people very quickly.

I bought a whole bunch of Muscle Milk mix today. That'll be my last big Rite Aid steal, they were marked down 75% off because they were about to expire but I'll take my chances. The powder has the consistency of flour, it doesn't look like it's going to spoil very easily. I got one large (reg $50), one medium (reg $41.99) and one small (reg $20.99) for about $30. I also got a couple stress relief "homeopathic" drugs for a couple bucks just to try them out as well as some cocoa concentrate.

I can't tell you if it worked or not because I was pretty relaxed to begin with but I can say that they'll be kept in my special drawer. You never know when I might feel some anxiety for whatever reason.

4 days!!!
(coming down to the end people)

peace. 

Zen Guitar Studio

Hola.

I found my roommate, and I'm super stoked. Her name is Kristen and she's alright with my weird musician lifestyle. She's a transferring Junior like me and she's majoring in psychology. She seems serious in her studies like I am, which is a major plus and it's even her first time moving out from her parents house too. I don't know what she'll think of me, but I'm hoping we get along well. I'm sure everything will be fine. She's an athlete, so maybe we can play sports together occasionally. I haven't played basketball in forever and I am in no mood to ever be competitive with anyone anymore so it might actually be fun. She'll probably kick my ass.

I finally posted my Fear of the Dark video. I'm stoked that it got such a positive response, 50 hits in the first couple hours of upload! I'm assuming that's just my youtube subscribers, so cool. I feel like I have my little piece of fame, even if it's silly. I'm hoping it can get me more clients in the long run, make some money with lessons to buy food and not cut too terribly into my savings.

Okay I have to promise myself here and now that I will allow myself to spend money in Ellensburg. I have too, it's going to be expensive to move out and this is why I've saved so much this summer.

Here's my freaking amazing logo. I don't really care if it looks like a massage parlor, it's mine and I love it. 

I guess my main sales pitch with the logo is that guitar can help you relax and center yourself. Jacob saw this and said it made me sound like a hippie, or something, I don't know. Katelynn said if she saw this logo she would expect the instructor would be Asian but my name is very clearly printed under the logo and Emily Wilson is definitely not an Asian name.

It's only 3:45 pm, Katelynn was over yesterday and we hung out and had a good time. I told her that these days are going to be the days that I miss living here. We walked through town and I realized how much I really do despise living here though. Though it's always been a safe place to live, I feel like I should get out in the world. It's funny to think that I'm going from a small town to a place that isn't by any means huge but I don't think I would want to live in a big city, either. 

Yup, things have been going really good. I've got 28 days until I get out of here and I can't believe how much this year has flown by. It was a pretty good year at CBC, definitely easier than my first year there. I really wore out my interest in Japanese culture and language. I will always have some connection with that subculture, but I'm so over it. 

I go through pretty drastic phases in my life that take over my spare time. I guess the guitar is my new phase, but I can't let it take over to the point that it interferes with my studies and what's important. The guitar is really important to me too, though, because it's going to make me some money if I'm able to get students to teach. 

Jacob recently hired his old bandmate to be an accountant. He he, with my business I'll be my own accountant and I won't have to pay anyone! But still, it makes me excited that Jacob now has an employee. I want his business to do very well after I'm gone, I hope that my videos can help him get students. I'm sure he appreciates that I'm taking the time to make the progress videos. 

My lesson yesterday went really well. We sort of B.S.'d about stuff that we don't normally talk about. I told him that he's been a huge benefit in my life because his lessons have helped me so much, and he responded, "How?" I didn't really know what to say. He continued, "Because you know Emily, when it comes down to it everything in life is about impressing others. It's depressing but true... Why are you learning this? Why do you put on makeup in the morning? It all boils down to this."

It's so true, though I don't know if it's necessarily depressing. Man is responsible for his or her own life. I feel like by learning a skill I am trying to portray my discipline as a human being. I don't know how much it is to impress people, but I suppose every musician has a number of reasons that they do what they do. 

All I know is right now, I have practiced a total of 351 hours since I started getting lessons. That's 14 days in four months. 

You hit your first milestone at 1,000, then at 5,000 something else will "click," then at 10,000 you have successfully mastered the guitar. I want to someday get 10,000, but it's a long road and I will just chunk away at it as I go. 

I need to find some songs to learn! My goal this week is to learn a few easy songs to better prepare me for giving lessons for wide ranges of music. I don't know what I'm going to learn though, ugh I need a random song chooser or something.

peace.