nailed a few plywood boards over a burnt bridge

Evening everyone.

Today I've felt really intense because I've had a lot on my mind. Jake could actually read this on me at my lesson today. There was a lot that I would have talked about with him that had happened yesterday if I could but it was completely irrelevant and he doesn't need to know about my personal life. I'll talk about what happened on here for those few odd souls that read this blog (which, as I've always said, I appreciate because I know I ramble and don't edit these blogs grammatically as well as I should).

But yeah, my lesson today I had practiced about an hour beforehand but didn't play as well as I felt I should have. This was frustrating. But I don't know if my bad playing was what made me so mad. I kept on saying "shit" throughout the lesson and felt just... idk, not centered. This week my goal is to work on counting out loud. Something I've kind of dreaded because it's hard to do while you play if you don't know all the notes perfectly. Invention's note combinations are frustrating but Jake is continuing to show me tricks on how to get it down.

I've been doing a lot of practicing without counting or even using a metronome of any sort so even if I've learned the notes it doesn't sound nearly like it should and that is very frustrating. This week I need to work on it with guitar pro as well as better learn the notes on the second page.

Here's another incredible song by Puscifer that I've been listening too. What I've always loved about Tool's lead singer Maynard James Keenan is that his voice is so comprehensible that you have no problem understanding what he's saying but the challenge is figuring out what any of it means. 

Ha ha, I was going to post a picture of Keenan and I went to google image search and started typing "John Maynard Kaynes"... lmfao. Anyway I plan on learning a lot of Tool music after the recital. There is a lot of good guitar that needs to be learned how to play there.... 

Yesterday Katelynn and I went to the Parkade and met up with some of Ashleigh's friends like I have the last few wednesdays. Katelynn and I sort of found ourselves isolated in our own conversations. We don't mean to do that but it happens. Before we got there I had already had a few drinks so I had a decent buzz and didn't have to spend much money which was nice.

Katelynn and I walked down to Jack Didleys. There I saw Jessica S., Sarah V. and Celeste P. Jessica had actually noticed me before I had time to think about the situation. She gave me a hug and was like "Omg Emily you look so good!!  I love your hair, where have you been I haven't seen you in forever..." like that sort of thing. I was really shocked. She's one of these people that is pretty nice to everyone regardless of circumstances because she's never really had a reason to be jealous or have hard feelings toward anyone because things seem to have come relatively easy for her in her life. 

She was totally friendly and sweet and gorgeous like she's always been. The main reason why I carried so much anger toward her is that she used to easily get things in highschool that I thought I wanted: "cheer leading" team spot-- which would have been a complete nightmare for me if I had made it, playing time on the basketball team when I humiliatingly got none that year, and of course you know she was really popular within my own class and I never had that, she got some scholarships I didn't.... these things piled up over the years and by my senior year I pretty opennly didn't like her. We had Jone's class together and she would give some (usually somewhat "conservative") input and I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand and shoot down what she was saying. She'd come into class late and I'd roll her eyes at her. Stuff like that. It was funny I think she's somehow gotten my yearbook to sign and she wrote "Well I don't think you ever liked me that much but I hope you have a good summer!" or something like that. So obviously she knew that I didn't like her. So I brought it up to her last night.

I told her pretty straight out that I didn't like her because she was with Jack, which doesn't really explain why I'd hated her in highschool because she didn't actually date him until afterward. That's the only relevant thing to this date anyway. I told her we had a long history together though things never worked out. She was like, "Well he lives up at Central why don't you guys see eachother?" sigh.... ha ha ha. I'm like "We don't because he never seems to want to see me. Really the only time we ever saw eachother was when I wanted to show him up on guitar and that was it." Like I described that originally when I started playing I thought guitar would be the thing that would finally make him think I'm good enough to be with him and when that didn't work I finally just said fuck it, there's nothing I can do. 

Jessica told me that she and Jack got along great and they broke up because she went to school. At some point I'm sure he got ahold of me both before and after Jessica and him were together but again we never really executed any kind of plans and this was very painful each time. Jack finds girls relatively easily and he probably associated me with emotional baggage because I had told him time and time again that I f*cking hated him and wanted him out of my life. It was just a very horrifying situation for me and so much of me will always hate Jack for it. But he's dead to me now, he doesn't matter and for that reason I no longer have bad feelings for Jessica. She really is a nice person that didn't ever intentionally do anything to make me hate her. 

Alrighty well I'm gonna get going. My hands are kind of hurting so I think I'm going to relax with some sims tonight instead of practicing more. 

peace.