23rd year picked me up like a whirlw....

Hi. Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it?

Of my handful of dedicated readers, I'm sure at least one of you felt concerned about my absence and an explanation is deserved. I guess I felt rather concerned about the direction things one area of my life was going and wanted some time to just focus on that and let time pass. I was hoping that by now I'd be telling you: Hey! Guess who's getting 30 hours a week as a poker dealer now, whatwhat?!

Nope, I didn't quite correctly gauge the time it would take to master picking winning poker hands with no prior experience. However I do plan to seek employment at Lucky Bridge and hope to God they put me on somewhere so I can A. Continue to learn poker and be in that environment and B. ..Be with Travis, who you guys don't know about right now. . . will go into that later.

I'm putting on my makeup to meet Travis's boss at the Casino this afternoon. I plan to deliver two resumes: One for a server position and one as a cashier. Being a cashier paying out winnings would be totally awesome but I'd be great as a server as well and it earns tips.

I'm getting ready back and forth as I write this so I will post the transformation here.

Here's me with hair half blow dried and only liquid foundation. I look pasty and kinda greasy from the moisturizer I'd put on.

I'm of course more determined than ever to get the ball rolling with this because by this upcoming Friday I will technically be *un*employed again! (gasp!!) I know right?! It's okay, it was more than over for me at Little Caesers by now. I think the fact that I could no longer stand my job kept me from writing too, because oftentimes after shifts I'd come home, drink and.... might not have much nice to say on a blog at the moment.

When I turned 23 on the first of this month I almost couldn't believe it. I felt I'd done my best with my 22nd year but also thought about how much I am going to need to learn and strive for this year. I'm getting older. People around me that are my age are getting married or having children. I'm really only interested in making money and learning every God damn thing I can squeeze out of my classes at Central to prepare me for the real world that has a tendency to either kick people's ass or make it the greatest time of your life in early adulthood depending on your preparedness.

Makeup brushes out in the car. Oh well, get it later. Hair blow-dried, foundation matted but no color.... 

I started hating my job at Little C's for a number of reasons. One, I was constantly being reprimanded, about anything you can think of, by the female managers and a handful of people I worked with.. It put me on eggshells big time because I felt like I couldn't do anything right there. But at the same time I know a lot of the things they were critiquing me on were either extremely minor in regards to the final product (like stacking the sheet outs the "wrong direction" for the person next to me to stretch them, or not turning on the faucet a certain way while I was doing the dishes-- just an accumulation of stupid shit like that) or weren't even my fault in the first place (like someone made a stack of bad sheet-outs and I get blamed for not being able to stretch them right.

And no, I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes there. I made a pretty good amount of them, especially when I was trying my hardest at dressline because I rarely gave myself a chance to work there. Like I went to work thinking if I did just sheet outs and dishes it'd be cool, but it got super redundant and I started to hate it really quick. This last month I did make a little more effort to work at other stations but would always hate it because I would forget and screw up at little things on dressline like which cup to use for a certain meat on a certain pizza..... and get caught. And feel stupid because yes I've been working there for a few months now.

Anyway, my last straw there was my Friday shift. For me and the management (and the management with me, lol). I had driven from Travis's house to Benton City and back to get ready after dealing poker at the Tin hat the previous night. It was a good night but I was exhausted. I came into work about ten minutes late, and I can't say that was the first time in the last week considering how stretched I felt on time lately with accounting and trying to learn poker with Travis. Rita pulled me outside and gave me a 20 minute rant about how I'm too slow, have a "snarky" attitude, and that she had "people complaining" about me.

 I'm like wow, I'm shocked to hear that you think I have an attitude... I try to rarely talk to anyone and usually wore earplugs at work to avoid hearing other people's conversations because I found it annoying when 90% of it was in loud Spanish. Of course I did always say it was because of my anxiety which was also true. The "people complaining" was identified as "other management" so it no longer concerned me. I always knew my male manager thought I was cool so I knew my suspicions that my other manager didn't like me were then identified. Not surprising what-so-ever.


So here I am sitting with all this new insight and wondering whether or not to go back into work or fold my hand and get the hell out of there. Rita told me she was going to "put the ball in my court" and I agreed to try harder but was admittedly pretty shook by it. I was nervous of what the consequences would be, however, if I came home at 2:45 pm saying I quit my job on a Saturday when my Dad was home. I stuck it out.

My final decision to quit there was made the next day when I saw the schedule and noticed I was scheduled for a whopping 5 hours this week. Okay, you've successfully pushed me out the door, I was more than ready to go anyway. Thanks for the paychecks.

The face I made at work a lot because I was so bored I could rip my hair out by the end. 

So it's very nice to say I'm now out of that place and am feeling more determined than ever to facilitate a comfortable transition to employment elsewhere.

peace.

There are certain people in your life that you meet and feel so lucky to have happened to cross paths with because they're the masters of what they do and are willing to take the time to teach you.

That's how I felt when I met Jacob, feeling desperate to learn the guitar and he had the tools to teach me how to do it. I spent a half an hour each week with him and he'd give me as much information as possible to practice and process the following week. After doing this for months and months I finally got to the point I was able to teach myself new songs and didn't really need lessons anymore. But those ten months or so that I did put my all into-- writing down and following every detail of the lesson, practicing three hours a day, not letting anything discourage me... is what got me to where I am today on the guitar.

...Another random person that inspires me, "Deelishis", not only because she has a bodacious a** but because of her amazingly confident personality in Flavor of Love (I've been watching that since it's leaked onto Youtube recently, nostalgia crack much?)

So I will of course be eternally grateful to Jacob for getting me over that intial "hump" that gave me the tools to teach myself. It makes me shudder to think of what might have happened if I hadn't been at that music store that day and met Jake in the first place. I could have ended up with another dead end instructor that had no idea what kind of motivation I needed. It's luck.

And in the same sense I feel this way about Ed. Back when I was 19 or so and had Math 96 with him I could see he was a good person and he could see that I was intelligent. After that class we of course lost touch but I added him on facebook. About a year ago he'd randomly came up on my news feed when I saw he had his first daughter (which led me to checking out his facebook to see that he'd fallen in love with a pretty girl about a year back, was still managing at some casino, etc..) and I messaged him to congratulate him.

Maybe that's been why he's been willing to take me on as a dealer at Lucky Bridge Casino. Because I absolutely suck. The other night Ed had me come over to his Dad's bar and help them out but having a *very* mediocre knowledge of the motions of the game and what winning hands are made it a very slow (and stressful) process. On top of that I had these really nice dudes that wanted me to chill out buying me drinks which I happily accepted and ended up getting too drunk to drive home until I threw up in the bathroom.* Beautiful. 

So yeah. I've just been practicing poker online against the computer any chance I can. I've been working at Caesars a lot lately and started my accounting 305 class so I've been keeping pretty busy.

In other news my birthday is coming in three days. Two days in two hours. I get paid tomorrow so I'm considering planning a party but I've gotta figure out what my work schedule is for the next week. Having a party should really be at the bottom of my priority list when I've got so much at stake right now. Like tomorrow I've got my first accounting homework and quiz due at 9, I got invited to a birthday party at 4 pm and I might get asked to come in and job train more. I don't know. tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.


peace. 

Dazed and exhausted

Today's been kind of a useless hangover day.

I had quite a long and interesting day yesterday for Andrew C.'s birthday and simply felt exhausted today. Not surprising considering how much I actually drank and was still coherent enough to make conversation with Andrew's kind of serious mannered friend. I had talked to a number of Andrew's friends that night who would go in and out to smoke cigs but it wasn't awkward or anything because it was kareoke night and I was a little preoccupied picking songs.

Here's some of the songs I can sing relatively well:
Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood
Good Girl by Carrie Underwood
White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
Redneck woman by Gretchen Wilson (*Granted I haven't actually sang this at a bar before-- last night the bartender sang it and it gave me the idea)

And I'm going to keep an ear out for other songs by female country artists and maybe Hailstorm. I've never even been a country fan but I can sing it a Hell of a lot better than my whack at any female pop voice I can think of. It would be even worse if I tried singing practically any of the metal music I've known the lyrics of for years.

Oh! Out of the blue I got to meet Jared.

Bllllaaghhh I admit I really like his pictures.... He posted this the next day before going on a 5 mile run and swim with his friend. 

Taken by Maeleena D. who I know also took a pic of me and my Mom at her vendor stand that I've been waiting for her to upload. Still, look at the mayor of Benton city, ha ha ha ha..... God my home town cracks me up. I didn't actually make the parade but I saw Little Miss Benton City Daze that was pretty damn cute this year. It was a lot longer than usual, pageants have become popular enough that some of those girls seemed VERY well composed. 

This is Cody V.'s wife and daughter, Koty that won second place in her "division"-- that's new, it used to just be one group of really little girls but now there were three separate age brackets, including preteens. When her name was announced that she was the daughter of Brittany and Cody V. it was kind of a "woah" moment because I went to highschool with both of them and now they have this beautiful little daughter with her own personality and dreams. 

She was the first contestant announced so I was excited to see if there would be any other parents names I'd recognized like Courtnie H.'s daughter or Chrissy's but I didn't. I can't remember saying 2 words to Cody V. in highschool but because he was popular and I took yearbook pictures I'm sure I did at one point or another. Anyway yeah, the pageant was too cute, I'm sure I'll see more daughters of people I recognize in the next few years which is fun to see. 

Anyway.

Jared came into the tri the day before "Benton city daze" (Yes they've been spelling it that way for years). I was excited last night to hear that he was driving here and hoped we'd get a chance to see eachother but for obvious reasons I didn't have my hopes up. Kayla, Koty, Kevin and Austin came over for a little while when I'd invited Koty to come over and play guitar. We originally had the plan to walk around town but it started raining crazy hard. 

Kayla took Austin home pretty quick after they got here. I understand, I had turned on the TV but me and Koty were really wrapped up in guitar. Koty told me I'd gotten a lot better since that last time he saw me which made me soooo happy to hear. Getting a compliment like that from a fellow guitarist is huge, especially someone who loves it as much as Koty. I really need to draw him one of these days, he's been asking me forever but I always find a girl I want to draw more... lol, no offense to Koty, guys are just more of a pain to draw.

After hanging out at my house for awhile waiting for Kayla and Kevin to get back I made a Digorno's pizza that we had some of before heading over to Kayla's with the intention to all hang out and drink a little. I'd picked up my favorite red beer and a Steel Reserve that I didn't end up drinking until going to Jared's later. I'm glad I'd brought it because he was drinking Corona extra that I think tastes like the smell of piss (I'm sorry that's a gross thing to say but it's true). Modelo all the way if you're going Mexican.

Jared texted me pretty shortly after getting to Kayla's place saying he was drinking beer and watching movies and that I was free to join him, this was at about 8. I did stick around at Kayla's for about an hour longer to talk and laugh while chillin out on the front porch and Kevin was working on his motorcycle. Kayla and I have a great time. They were sad I was leaving because they were gonna make mixed drinks. Kayla then had realized they had no soda which kind of gave us a better reason to drive back passed my house. 

I touched up my makeup again (I had a long day so I was by no means looking my best at this point but didn't have time to start my makeup all over). It didn't take long to drive to Jared's Dad's house in the nice part of Richland. I was really impressed by how nice his Dad's place was, but what's funny is Jared and I stayed in their guest room because he hasn't actually lived there.

Jared and I get along pretty well. When we were hanging out in the kitchen downstairs we started talking about Dragon ball Z and the adrenaline I used to get from watching it as a kid. It has the same effect on him but he started watching it when he was 16, ha ha ha. We ended up watching it upstairs and it was like nostalgia crack. I was laughing so hard and having a grand time.

I hope Jared and I get together again but I won't hold my breath. He's a busy dude with all his military stuff and I don't know how often he gets days off. Still this is kind of perfect for me because there's no pressure. He lives on a military base surrounded by other men so I know he loves it when I send pictures on snapchat and texts. I get to see what he's up too and get some of that attention I've been craving without worrying about whether or not we're going to see each other anytime soon.

Alright that's all I had to say tonight. I'm going to see if I can get a blogspot app on my phone tomorrow. I have so many google logins on this computer half the struggle of writing is just getting into the right account.

peace. 

22 in 1.15 hours. Government might shut down for it.

Hello everyone.

This birthday has weighed on my mind quite a bit. I feel like this birthday has been more of a realization of adulthood than 21 was. Any time I begin to feel worry about aging I begin to think about how much more stressed and insecure I was this time last year... How I wasn't barely eating anything while trying to cram for 3 hours.. Ha ha, thank God for people like Kevin P. and Burnadette P. that gave me advice about the importance of rest and good food early on.

Me about this time last year. Cute picture but that dingy green tanktop is a pretty good representation of what I chose for my wardrobe at the time. Actually most days I'd wear practically all black to class-- either jeans and a black tank top or black yoga pants with a black tanktop. I was so stressed out at the time that I only cared about what was comfortable. 

This time last year I was also going through an increasing amount of anxiety. Note that I wasn't taking Prozac until about January, by then having gone through months of panic attacks and feeling the need to completely cut myself from the outside world as much as possible. Over time of taking my medication my panic attacks have ceased and my general outlook on live has improved. This has come from the support of my friends too.

Today was a typical Monday. Both of my economics professors spent a good amount of time talking about how there is potential for government shut down over the disagreement about Obamacare. Now that I realize why the Republicans oppose it I can see why this is happening... Originally I thought it all had to do with republicans feeling uncomfortable about the government overstepping it's bounds by making everyone buy insurance-- when in actuality it's the CHEAP insurance itself that is the problem. If Obamacare is implemented it will likely be run by democrats and republicans feel like this will give democrats too much power because all the people buying cheap insurance will want to keep the program running and will be more likely to vote democrat. It makes sense.

Yeah honestly I didn't understand why the Republicans hated Obamacare so much until Sipic explained it today. I love his lectures, the way he says things just makes sense.... even this totally abstract tool that he's trying to teach us about being able to measure the maximum amount of utility (pleasure) people can get from the stuff they buy. By the looks of it finding out how to do this is going to be a complete b**ch but the way he explained what it was made sense which is always the first step to figuring this junk out...

The formulas in economics are really bizarre and abstract because it tries to make humans actions (assuming that they're rational) quantifiable-- then to be moved onto graphs and stuff to be used for a company's research. It's not as boring as it sounds; actually it's the closest thing humans can get to predicting the future.

I texted the guy in my public finance class who's also the president of the econ club asking him when the first meeting is. He's friendly and helpful and I got the info I needed on that. I also signed up for that career fair november 1st that'll hopefully land me an internship.

Moving right along, yay. Sorry this entry was kind of boring guys.

peace.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hello everyone! Happy Birthday to Me!!

New picture of me in glasses, I actually wear them quite a bit in class in comparison to my life outside of school. I really enjoy going to school when I'm on top of things. I guess that's how today was. The fruits of my efforts this weekend paid off, I was able to pay attention in all three of my classes indiscriminately-- without being too confused or frantic because "SHIIIIIT I READ THE MATERIAL BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANNNNYTHING...." That's sort of how it felt the second day of law class. Today was the third, things went MUCH better and I got my participation points FAIRLY-- by having solid answers. Boo-yah. I felt that was sort of a reward for the... probably eight hours of study I did this last weekend.

It cracks me up to think I was going to have some guitar lesson business. I plan to give Corey B. lessons, and whoever else happens to come to me about it, but I will not be advertising lessons anymore. Actually, I would take down those signs but since nobody has called I don't care. I assume they will take down the signs in a month or so anyhow. I've got too much work to do, and any free time I get here will be spent with friends once I find some. Eventually, these things will happen in time. I'm beginning acquaintances with some people. I should start briefly talking about them here to keep track of people I meet....

Natasha H., she sits next to me in Accounting 252. She was one of the first people I met because she came in a little late and was stuck sitting in the handicap desk next to mine (nothing against handicap people, it's just not the first desk people run for). She's really cool, laid back, we're all sort of helping eachother out in this collaborative learning situation... It's sort of bizarre, I've never been in a class like it.

The professor had us divide into groups on the first day, which is how I met Burnadette, this girl that sits next to me in my law class as well (well, starting today). She's really intelligent, prepared and laid back. She clearly reads the material and takes her studies seriously like I do so I decided she'd be a good person to be in a group with. She's got a really funny, dry sense of humor too. I'm pretty we're going to help eachother out this quarter. 

My accounting class is two hours long and the professor only partially lectures. He's following a different classroom setup called the collaborative learning approach where we basically get into groups and review the homework together over the material that we read in the book. This would seem questionable to a lot of students because it might seem like this is just a good way for a professor to slack off, but I actually think it's more like the State requires this particular course to be taught in this backwards fashion. 

When I went to CBC I took the equivalent accounting 102 course for a few days during Spring quarter (my last quarter) but ended up dropping it because I was feeling too lazy. But that managerial accounting class had the same format, the professor split us into groups and had us come up with team names. She could catch us off guard with questions so you'd have to be on top of your work all the time. Teams would get points and lose points for extra credit so there was an air of competition. She was like an Accounting Senora Schmick! 

Makes me think I actually got off easy. My accounting professor has been teaching for 20 years so he's probably not entirely adjusted to these methods. At times he'll almost apologize for the way he's teaching it, like today he said-- "This is a special class, if you take a class like this you get hands on learning and it's very important."  Like he's quoting some presentation that told him how he was supposed to teach the class. So in following this he really just breaks us into groups, we do worksheets, then discuss the problems in class. When he does lecture it's not bad, it makes sense but at times can get really redundant.

Four hours is a long time to pay attention to lectures, period. I walked back and forth twice today so my body is pretty exhausted on top of it. The business building seems soooo far away.

The guitar is becoming a weird second nature to me. I don't know if it's that I've improved to the point that it's that much more comfortable for long periods of time or that I've hit a wall and I'm no longer improving. No, I'd like to believe that if I continue to do these picking exercises and spend the amount of time practicing I'll continue to improve and not hit a wall.... The possibilities are endless really. What I AM saying is that I've hit a wall of knowing what I want to play. I wanted to upload phantom of the opera but it's still not clean/comfortable enough to upload to the internet. I'd still give that a few more weeks. Once I'm done with that I'm done with Iron Maiden on guitar, for GOOD. . . . well, until I learn some music from other artists.


Things sure have improved since my last birthday. I remember going over to Jessika B.'s house for the first time. This started the chain of sketchy scenarios with her throughout the next couple months. Anyway, long story short, ended up calling into work the next day because I was hungover and had a grand time with her almost certainly alcoholic, creep ass roommate. I will never.... again... I don't even know what I was thinking, seriously. Thank God I found the guitar, otherwise my self esteem might still be that low...

1 year 10 months!

That's how long it's been now since I've been in a official relationship! Can you believe it, that's nuts, almost two entire years now! It's okay, it's funny this last year I've gotten such a different perspective on the whole thing it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Actually, I've found I'm the most relaxed when I'm not really involved with guys at all. Jason and I are.... DONE. We pretty gracefully cut that off.

He first tried blowing me off. I asked him why we weren't talking and that the "no communication" was making me frustrated. I asked him what his deal was. He told me this wasn't the time to talk about it. No response from me. He told me he was no longer interested. I told him okay, I respect that, we're no longer dating. See you around my friend, nice talking to you. Goodbye.

THEN. He has the nerve to drunken text me that night. Ugh, so rude. Men need to learn some respect.

peace.

Happy Birthday to me.

Hey yall.

Haven't written in ages because I've been really busy with work. Lately I've been working for like, eight or nine hours every day and going to school. I've also been hanging out with some new friends on my off time, so I haven't really been online. It's 11:26-- so it's almost my birthday! It was Katelynn's birthday today, but because I worked all day I didn't even get a chance to wish her a happy birthday until about 20 minutes ago.

I feel sick, I've had a bad cough and a sore throat all day. The sudafed helped some this morning, but by the end of the night I was like.. shit, I'm coughing all over. My voice was horse and raspy. Right now I'm drinking a very light beer that feels great on my throat. Tonight I'm gonna sleep good, so I'm probably going to write until my computer dies and go to bed.

I spend all day on my feet but I need to still watch what I eat because I'm not getting a chance to work out. I'm gonna still try to do pilates whenever I can. I also need to watch-- FOR SURE-- most importantly, how much I study. I haven't had much time lately at all. Tomorrow I need to wake up early and get a few hours of study in, if at all possible. Just work on my math... I'm already falling behind and it sucks. I'm not used to this hecticness, and at 2 weeks in I feel pretty overwhelmed. I'm looking forward to my first real paycheck, and now that I'm getting used to my job it'll get much, much easier.

Check out this picture that Gisselle posted under her "oldies" folder. I tagged myself once I realized I was in it. This was from my sophomore year, which I'm pretty sure was the most awkward, miserable year of my life other than 7th. It was miserable. That was back when lovely Kandyce Alley hated me and went out of her way to make my life a living hell after I pissed her off at the Warped Tour concert. Lovely!

But don't get me wrong, Kandyce isn't even half the reason why that year sucked. Nope, there's TONS more shit that I could go on about. There was a lot of reasons.

-Being in a fight with Katharine,
-Feeling alone,
-Being in a grudge with Haley,
-My awful tennis season of getting destroyed.
-Talking to Jack who ended up calling me for dating advice with rich, beautiful Alice from freakin' Milan. How the fuck could I have competed with that?

-After the Chino relationship, Chino STILL being involved with my life and talking about me all over the place.

-Hardly getting any playing time during soccer season and getting depressed about it.

..The list goes on. Fucking horrible year. That picture literally makes me sick just looking at it. Most of the people that made my life miserable at Ki-Be can rot in hell. Sometimes, it makes me sad looking at pictures like this because though I wouldn't relive highschool again for a million dollars (having accomplished as much as I did with sports, there's no way), I just wish I could of had more friends, went to parties, did things that most highschool kids got to do but didn't because I was pretty much completely alone until my junior year, when I started hanging out with Robert, Skyler, Dylan (somtimes), Logan, and Tyler. My senior year I didn't really give a shit about people because I was going to cbc and trying to get my last hurrah with sports. Didn't actually spend much time at the highschool though.

By the way, figured out what System of a Down lyrics I'm getting as a tattoo..

Dreams are made winding, through my head. Through my head.

It's from the song Spiders. Not actually one of my favorite songs by them, but it's very significant. My entire life, I've over thought things. I'm very much... in my head. There's not a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking of something. It's driven me to the point of practically-- insanity. So I think that's a good tattoo to get. System of a Down itself is the first rock band I ever got into, and continues to be my favorite band to this day. And speaking of highschool, they helped me SURVIVE it. I really got into them my sophomore year when Robert burned me the CDs. I remember listening to them when I was depressed about Chad not liking me as much as I liked him, listening to them to get pumped before games, blaring it in my car, etc... I was actually really into Coheed and Cambria BEFORE learning all of System's stuff, SOAD DID start my love of rock music.

I remember it so clearly. I was in the 7th grade, sitting in the backseat of the old Ford Taurus. We were listening to the same bullshit music on 98.3-- and at that point in my life I thought rap music was the shit, even though I never actually related to any of it. Hypnotise just HAPPENED to come on, and when I heard that beginning guitar line I was immediately in love. Though I'd heard it before, I hadn't realized how much I'd loved it until then. At the time I had a really shitty little mp3 player and downloaded, well, one of the shittier songs by them; though some might not agree, Prison Song. I listened to that in class and realized that I didn't like it much, and sort of forgot about it for awhile. The next year, at a school dance in the 8th grade, the song BYOB came on during a dance, and me and Whitney Diaz were jumping up and down having a freakin blast when a lot of people were sitting on the side because they didn't like the song, but I sure as hell realized that I loved rock, and from that point on I put rap aside. I listen to hip hop on occasion, but very rarely. I can't stand most of it, and probably couldn't stand most of it back then too. I practically lived with just the bullshit on the radio until I was 13.

I guess this is why System is so important to me. Because without them, I really wouldn't of ever gotten into metal, which would of changed my life entirely. I probably would of never had a healthy outlet with my anger problems. Metal music has helped me with that for years because when I'm enraged, it helps me feel not as alone I guess. Maybe I would of started cutting or something as an outlet instead. If I would of never gotten into System, I probably never would of connected with Robert Mosley on anything either. Then I wouldn't have a lot of the great memories I have with him, or any of my other metal head friends. Rock music connected me and Katelynn, too. Without rock, all we would of had as a common interest was anime, and since we both burnt out on that our love of Coheed and Cambria held us together. Never would of gotten into Coheed if I hadn't of been watching Fuse one day (which, that hour was all rock. See how this is all coming together?)

Ha, it's almost 12:30 AM. First half hour of my damn birthday. I can't believe it, I'm no longer a teenager. I can now tell people that I'm TWENTY years old. Granted, it's not drinking age yet, but that's still very scary to me. It's the end of innocence. Yet, I know that great things are ahead. It's time to stop living my life so miserably. Because I realized that literally I've been living the last 20 years of my life unsatisfied and pretty much miserable. You only live once, which with this lovely phobia I had with Wellbutrin I really began to realize, and I want to live my life to the fullest. There's no use being miserable and feeling unfulfilled even if I'm doing all that I can to reach my huge, long term goals.

So I might as well talk a little more about my day. Tonight it was pretty much just me and Linda, and we weren't very busy. I guess a bit busier because of the home game at Hanford, but for the most part, even if our parking lot was completely full, it was slow. I've got that stupid register down, aside from the loopholes in making returns. I've also learned where the cigarettes are located, what 100's are versus shorts, that most people like Paul Maul reds versus the other colors, that most people like Marlboro lights, that Pyramids are cheaper, and only young people around my age get Camel 99's. I've also learned how to deal with tax exempts, and I'm dealing with coupons quick and efficiently. From doing frieght I've also learned about the store's layout, and now can help customers more effectively as well. This is a good success for me because now that work has gotten easier, I don't DREAD going there. I feel more confident, and when work is easier, so will being able to focus more on school.

Linda is cool though, and really helpful. I enjoy working with her more than my other supervisors for the most part. I get very nervous of offending Claudia or her daughter Tammy. Don't get me wrong, they're both very nice and helpful as well, but I feel like when I'm around them I'm on eggshells because I don't want to accidently curse or say something stupid. I'm happy, my cursing has gone down a lot since I started working. I still cuss like a sailor at home, but at work I very rarely do.

I'm gonna go to bed now, sayonara.

yours,

Emily