"S.O.S Day 2" From gasping for air to getting my composure

So as you guys know I came to the conclusion I have to work harder to turn my grades by the end of the quarter (the next four weeks or so)..

 I had another bump in the road last night when I spent hours trying to do well on a quiz and again got a terrible score... 47%. Which I partially blamed on Jacob because we shared answers with eachother and the ones we got different answers on I switched to his answers... and ended up getting a bunch of those wrong and my original answers were right. Because Jacob and I take turns submitting it first so nobody has an advantage, he was right to get frustrated when I flipped out on him for my bad score. I guess I more or less learned my lesson to not completely abandon my own judgement and go with my own gut feelings on answers. I shouldn't just abandon my own work for Jacob's answer because regardless of that fact that he's getting way better grades than me overall, a lot of his answers are decided by intuition and guessing instead of bothering to work through the whole process like I tend to do (which unfortunately tends to take a huge amount of time). Both of our methods work independently but learning to work together is something we could really improve on.

There's going to be another economics midterm in a couple days. I feel like my grasp on this chapter is -slightly- better than the first set but better safe than sorry. Today I spent about 3 hours just working my own copies of the excel templates. Jacob's templates made an extremely convenient reference for using those formulas. Because I've got such a good reference I'm deciding to ensure I'm getting the hang of excel by making my own copies of the templates instead of downloading Gray's. It's a long process but a rewarding one.

Today I was also good and read the first half of my insurance chapter for law. I found this one particularly interesting because it gave me a potential job insight. Insurance agents assess their clients rates by looking at the individual's risk that they will require compensation in the near future. Economics is all about risk evaluation. I am going to make sure to apply for a lot of insurance companies when I begin my career search. Wrote that one on the door.

Do you guys remember frosted toast? Did I mention that while working at Little Caesers? Our awesome roommate Charlie (who happens to be hispanic) brought home these freaking delicious marshmallow cookie treats that his mom sent him with. He'd done some grocery shopping recently and got some really delicious food... Like he went to a legit carneceria in Yakima and got some of the best ham I have ever eaten in my life. Even better than the smoked ham I've had on Christmas time because the moisture in this particular piece was suburb. One I suppose "nice" thing that's come out of the burglary is that Charlie has been over more frequently to keep tabs on his stuff. Understandable. Hopefully he's not keeping super close tabs on his food because I might've also had some of his Mexican brand Saltines.(**Since then I've been grocery shopping, damn munchies!)

I still haven't figured out a way to conveniently post a picture from my phone onto a blog entry I'm writing. I'm sure there is a way, I just haven't really tried.

Jacob and I laid next to eachother and had a really long conversation about better ways to respond to situations one of us feels defensive or uncomfortable about instead of blaming the other person. Granted Jacob does not blame me for things, sometimes even when it's partially my fault.. so I should do the same in return.

I cried today about not having my guitars. Not being able to practice has really been eating away at me. This super sweet, awesome guy named Tucker actually said he'd give me one of his guitars that has been since collecting dust and if he were to do that I would be grateful for the rest of my life. Losing my guitars has been like the kidnapping of two of my best friends. I might not ever see them again or bring them back but I can at least make new friends.

peace.

Breaking up sucks. Independence.

I've had to make some rather difficult decisions the passed couple days.

First of all, I need to find a job. If I can help it I'd like to live in this apartment as long as possible and that's not gonna happen if I don't find work. I'm going to do everything I can to not have to move back in with my parents after I graduate. I need to continue to apply for career opportunities (or start again, haven't done much of anything since late January because I've been preoccupied) but also try to find a part time job in town to make some extra cash. That way I won't have to ask my parents anymore and it'll be my first step toward real independence.

Secondly, in order to face my emotions head on, I had to break up with Travis. I had to stop using him as a crutch whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I will always love him for being there for me and making me realize I can be loved. He found me at a time my life was spiraling out of control and my depression had reached an all time high for 2014. He helped me recover and find strength again, even while I quit marijuana cold turkey which was extremely difficult.

I have to learn to be strong on my own, even while abstaining from alcohol and not smoking completely. It still sucks not being able to smoke but I know it's for the best, especially considering I'm starting my job hunt tomorrow.

Third, I need to start taking better care of myself. Try to go to the gym every weekday that I'm not swamped with homework. I need to start getting a better night sleep which will help my stress a lot because I will not feel tempted to nap during the day. Napping makes me depressed because I feel like I've wasted a chunk of my day that I could be studying or bettering myself at the guitar. I need to make more time for the guitar again. I haven't uploaded any videos of me playing in such a long time and that bothers me because it makes me feel like anyone from an outside perspective would think I gave it up when I've continued to get better. Granted I don't practice nearly as much as I used to but every day that I do practice is a step in the right direction. Every day that I don't drink is also a step in the right direction because even if it's a depressant and makes you feel better temporarily it brings your inhibitions to an all time low and just creates more work for the next day.

I just need to be strong. Focus on what I'm doing here and pursue every opportunity I can. There's no reason that I carry a certain amount of uncertainty and depression at this point when I've made so many strides in the right direction so far this year. I want to make 2015 my most successful year yet.

Suicide Note pt 1 by Pantera. I listened to the Pantera collection at the gym today and it reminded me how much I love them. I've got a new friend named Brian who is going to send me a list of progressive bands he recommends so I'm hoping to expand my damn good metal list soon. 

peace.

Creating moderation for *myself* for once...

Cutting back on something that you think keeps you happy (and motivated to do things) can be a difficult process; a process that I started yesterday in order to get a better handle on my life.

I feel like my weed consumption hit a plateau recently... I mean the combination of not working, feeling stressed about my accounting class, arguments with my family, etc.. sort of drove me to looking for ways to escape depression but I'm almost certain now it was making it worse. I felt like my thought clarity wasn't as good as it could be which gave me this insatiable feeling that I could be doing so much better and probably feel more successful if I'd just cut this crap out.

I did get in a big argument with my parents the other day that made me feel extremely sad and worthless-- feelings that I continually bring about myself, again probably subconsciously dealing with the fact that I'm addicted to something and feel unable to stop it regardless of consequences that could potentially ensue if I continued this road.

I've just gotten lazy... My car and room is almost always a mess because I'm so focused on trying to accomplish large projects that I will allow myself to spend hours and hours doing because it's comfortable. Sitting around playing guitar and doing art is what I do for fun. I smoke marijuana and it enhances my creativity and focus on my artwork and guitar playing-- to some extent.. The last year I'm sure it's actually zapped a lot of my inspiration to play in the first place because I've been doing it too much.

Back in 2012, I remember practicing guitar for 3 hours a day, still managed to get good grades and had a job at Rite Aid. I remember smoking maybe 4-5 bowls a day and it seemed to be the perfect equilibrium of using it to my advantage but still having the clarity to do well in school and at work.

That is the level of smoking that I'm at right now and plan to stay which is a huge improvement from where I was before. I tried essentially quit cold turkey yesterday (going from my regular smoking once about every hour regularly to only smoking twice in one day) and was a complete bitch to everyone and I was fucking miserable, not gonna lie.

BUT ALAS...

When I was studying my accounting book yesterday I noticed a huge difference in clarity. Today I was able to finish my homework in three hours instead of the regular alllllll day ordeal. When I'm sober it's easier to remember basic mathematics formulas used in accounting...

This quarter is coming down to the wire. My final is around the 30th, there's only 3 more chapters in my book and I've still got time to really study and knip this shit in the butt and pull a solid B in that class. It's just a matter of doing the hard work and keeping in the right state of mind. And that goes for the rest of my time in college.

I mean I've only got two quarters left and I'm coming to serious crossroads and decisions in my life. Do I really want to remember my entire college experience at Central as being stoned? Because honestly I feel like the combination of stress/anxiety that came with my classes and having the freedom to do whatever I want allowed me to bury my head in the sand and let it become a more and more frequent habit where whatever I wanted to do in my mind it'd be better if I was stoned..... when ironically I'm sure it what was causing a lot of the anxiety and depression in the first place.


Yeah that's really all I've got to say. I know it might come to a surprise that I would talk so openly about this problem but what better time than when I'm no longer in denial of it and am willing to make the changes?

peace.

Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow

Evening folks, I've had a nice first week of summer so far.

last day working at the Edward's farm. 

First of all, I was able to land a brief farm job this summer two days after moving home. It lasted from Tuesday to Thursday morning which was a lot shorter than anticipated. The job itself was really easy in comparison to what I'd dealt with in my own family's orchard a few years back. Basically I was assigned to stand by these large white bins, wait for pickers to pour in a bucket of fruit, and punch their ticket to recognize they'd done it. The only manual labor I had to do was pick the leaves out and stack the boxes that weren't terribly heavy-- probably around 70 lbs, but just really bulky and awkward.

My crew was interesting because none of them I'd had extended interaction with before. All good guys though, like none of them were complete dicks about when I woke up an hour late on the first day (which ended up being canceled anyway, whew...). This guy Dalton did give me a little sh*t on facebook that day and added me as a friend. He was on my crew along with Vlad R. (Really smart kid for only being a Junior in highschool, impressive), Dalton's brother Brandon who was running the tractor, Jaron G. (who I could not believe is a sophomore in highschool now. Wow I felt old.), another 16 year old that looked a lot like that guy Abe and Cruz Del A. Cruz's uncle was there too and stopped by my bin a lot to talk to me and cracked me up. I remember him saying, "You've got them beautiful eyes God gave ya."

Doing this job gave me a little summer color and got me in better shape which was nice. I've been exercising every evening since. Maybe out of boredom and feeling a little stir crazy at home already, I dunno.

Today I applied for a job at Maverik and talked to a woman on the phone who said the boss wasn't going to be around until Tuesday but she will leave a sticky note on it to definitely give me a call because I sounded nice and they were still running interviews... Yay! They're looking for evening shift cashiers which is perfect for me-- I function the best at night, it'll keep me out of trouble, and will enable me to sleep in late if I want to cuddle with Marshall.

In other news, I finally got my new glasses. My Mom picked them up for me in Ellensburg when she had to go back to check out my apartment. I honestly dodged such a bullet there, those people that inspect the apartment are humongous assholes looking for any tiny thing to charge you for on your way out. Blegh. My mom is awesome.

Alright it's almost 10 pm, about my workout time. I've been really getting back into guitar since I arrived home. That's what I've been spending most of my freetime on lately. I'm sure that'll continue once I have a job. I've decided I'm not going to take a summer class and just take it online next winter. I could really use a break and for some reason my computer will NOT let me access the class on Canvas or Blackboard.

peace. 

Happy to finally meet you

Evening, it's 9:07 pm. I'm sitting here drinking coffee waiting for my friend Michael to get here so we can do the forecasting homework.

I've had an interesting week so far. I had my finance test on Monday, which as you guys know I spent all weekend studying for. Unfortunately I put too much emphasis on studying one of the later two chapters and not enough time on the first two and neglected to write down a few of the chapter 2 equations on my notecard. When I realize the mistake I'd made I felt frustrated but what can you do. I picked up enough points to get above a C, which was my goal. I got a 72%.

My friend Daniel who seems to be really getting this material got an 80. I know I should really try to study with him or Kevin P. before the next test. I was able to see my cumulative grade in the class. I have a 74%, and I'm pretty much the exact mean/median of the class scores. I am totally fine with that. Granted that means I am going to work a lot harder on these next chapters and try to be cautious of not accidentally skipping material for the next test.


On Monday I skipped forecasting to study for my finance test and finish some assignment that I'd neglected to type over the weekend. When I was waiting outside for class to begin the guy I'd been catching glances with these passed couple weeks walked up. He's flashed the prettiest smile and was like, "Hey!! I'm so happy to finally meet you!"

Okay I don't know if he meant to say that but if he did it means I hadn't imagined it and he was noticing me these past couple weeks. We made some quick small talk before class. He seems intelligent and easy to talk too. His name's Kyle and he's a double major in econ and finance. He told me he'd been at CWU since Freshman year and that his first quarters here he had a 0.9 GPA from partying too much. Kind of cracked me up that he laid that on the line immediately like that. But to have gotten to this point he's obviously improved a lot.

I don't know what his last name is, where he's from or what he's into but I want to get to know him. I'm hoping he'll ask for my digits but we shall seeeee..... lol.

I've been getting back into metal and the guitar lately. I started really learning Domination last night by Pantera and it sounds good. I need to get back to my roots and play things that I enjoy playing instead of just the hardest shit possible. When I'm exercising I listen to a lot of Pantera so I can really hear those guitar licks in my head.

I also really love this song by symphony x. If you like symphonic metal you should give this a listen...

Love is a tragedy

All that I have, all that I'll ever need

Is right here inside

peace.

Well I've had an unexpectedly good weekend already.

As I'd mentioned the other day, I met this guy named Ben in the surc when I was eating my lunch on Wednesday. I had originally thought that he had sent his friend over to talk to me but it turns out his Vietnamese-American friend was the one that wanted to talk to me in the first place. I was surprised to hear that because I noticed Ben had been seriously staring me the second I walked in... Anyway the end result was the same, we ended up talking later that night (the night I was frantically looking for Marshall) and we ended up making plans to hang out on Friday.

He came over here and honestly my apartment was a little less than a wreck. The weather was beautiful and I was too busy practicing my guitar to really care. I wanted to make sure to have a good warmup before Ben came over. He plays guitar too and was a music major for awhile so I didn't know what to expect. He's not bad, he was sort of out of practice but I can tell he can play. He sings really well too.

Just the fact that I can "talk guitar" with him is amazing. He also listened to a ton of metal in highschool so we have that in common too. Like while I was making dinner we were listening to Mastodon and Iron Maiden and all kinds of good sh&t. I made chicken Parmesan, which takes forever and wasn't as good as the first time I made it when Michael was here that one night. This time I forgot to mix the breadcrumbs with the Parmesan/garlic salt which made it a little bland. I put too much milk in the eggs so the breading didn't stick right. By the time it was done we had both downed one and a half of those big cans (me on an empty stomach, so I'm sure I was acting pretty goofy at this point..) so he was too full to even eat.

I still ate. Lol I'm one of these people that can usually eat. My eating habits have been rather weird lately because of my late night studying habits and the fact that I wake up around lunch time 3-4 days a week. Late night eating and drinking beer won't do my figure any favors so I've been working out a lot more to counterbalance it.

I was just watching the first 20 minutes of this pretty nauseating documentary about modelling on Netflix called "Chasing Beauty." It's funny how so few, few people fit into what modelling agencies look for. And how depressing  it would be to have a career solely reliant on your looks. They say in the modelling business "you're old when you're 25." The first 20 minutes of the documentary was pretty much just successful, attractive models talking about how much of being beautiful gives you an edge in life and how fun it is to be on the runway. I was like alllrighty then, how long until we get to profile one of the thousands upon thousands of delusional souls that get rejected in this cutthroat industry?

I'm sure it gets there. I'll give it another shot tomorrow if I get bored.....

Because I have to admit, some of guys in the documentary that are pretty incredible looking...

Whhhew.  

peace. 

The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

Biggest party of the year.... ((Radcon 2014))

Damn, it's been a week. I've certainly got a lot to say. *That being said this could be quite long.

That being said I'll start with today and go backwards. Radcon was good, as was valentines day and I'd like to leave on a good note. I've got a few pictures from the con that didn't make the cut on my facebook but I'll show you here as well.

Today has been pretty crappy for a number of reasons. When I came back from home in B.C. I brought a bottle of Monarch vodka (really cheap, shitty stuff.. and I'm not even a vodka fan), you know, for the occasional boring night. Yesterday happened to be one of those days after completing an econ exam and having no homework. I took a couple shots of it while I snacked around the house and then I biked to the gym. There I worked out for a couple hours before returning to cook dinner (because of course I was starving after working out) and went over to my neighbors house around 9. There I hung out and drank a little more, apparently enough to make me pretty hungover this morning.

It's funny I thought for a minute I was impervious to hangovers but obviously cheap liquor and I don't mix. Also I know it probably doesn't look great for me to be drinking on a wednesday night, but for those of you that don't know I don't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter which is giving me way too much spare time. I've just gotta keep applying to jobs. I checked a Subway that my friend Kate told me she knew the manager of and said she thinks they'd be hiring. The manager said they weren't and didn't know Kate so I'm wondering if she meant a different one in town.

Another reason today was hard was that Jacob wasn't online for our lesson again. Last week I figured he was having problems with Skype, but I've seen him online throughout this week so now I'm wondering if something else is going on. Last week I posted a status that said: "Here's to another f*ck valentines day!" and Jake's girlfriend immediately commented "I love valentines day : )" (like "I have a boyfriend on valentines day and you don't, ha ha") I kind of cracked up because my friend Brad "liked" it,  it was so snide and obvious. Anyway I ignored it and didn't think anything of it really. Come to find out today she deleted me on facebook (fine, whatever I don't really know you anyway)..... but then Jake doesn't show up for my lesson? I'm hoping to God the two events have nothing to do with eachother, and knowing Jake there is a reasonable explanation.

Okay let's move onto a happier subject, shall we? Radcon. Sunday and Monday aren't really worth talking about much because they were mainly spent recovering from this event. Luckily Monday was presidents day so I didn't have class. Sh*t this quarter has enabled me to have too much fun. Partying this weekend did come with a price, though.. I didn't do well on a recent management assignment because I slept in too late on Monday and I'm starting to wonder what I'm getting in that class. I need to buckle down and finish strong so I don't end up with some "C" on my report card.

I tried calling Johnathan when I got to the con but he wasn't picking up his phone. I was running sort of late (got there at around 5:30 pm when I'd originally planned to be there at 2... ha ha that day I'd slept in at Connor's house until 1) but my mom helped me get ready and looking pretty fabulous. My Batgirl costume was a hit and I was getting compliments from strangers immediately. 

My evening at the con started out at the Grizzly Bar (being 22 and old enough to drink at the con for the first time that's a big shocker, right..?). I hadn't planned on spending almost all of my money within the first couple hours but the entry pass was $40 and I had to put $20 in my tank. With $40 for the rest of the event I figured it'd be a bad idea to blow the better half of $10 on a fancy mixed drink so I ordered a beer on tap. It wasn't long before a guy dressed as darth vador walked up and started talking to me. 

He turned out to be a friend of Kate R. so I joined their table and had a great time catching up with her. Kate is a really sweet, positive person in my life. She's one of the few girls I can say really trust and has been chill with me since day 1 back in highschool. Her friend bought us a couple rounds of beers, that was really nice! 

Shortly after leaving the bar I saw my regular radcon crew. I say this because we usually hang out and dance together every year. Rhiannon and I would always do a lot of mingling with people and I was always keeping an eye out for Jay. Jay wasn't there this year but I did see his friend Griffin and a lot of the other people I knew from CBC back in 2010. Jay wasn't on my mind at all this year, that time we spent together this summer was a dud and that was the end of it for us. 

Rhiannon and I didn't hang out this year as much as previous years, I was more all over the place and didn't stick with one group of people for long. We did all dance together at the rave though, that was a good time. The DJ didn't many radio songs, it was more techno remixes. I danced and twerked my ass off, I was there to have fun and had a good buzz going. Dancing for a few hours kind of took that buzz away though and around 1:45 am I was ready for a shower and lay down. 

I got to the room and there was a TON of people in there... I was like wooah and was looking for a place to change. I moved my stuff under the sink and started pulling a change of clothes out when Zach's brother and a tramp push passed me to have sex in the bathroom. I ending up changing clothes in the closet. You know me, I hate wet, yucky clothes and I didn't want to change where anyone could see me. Afterward I began the difficult process of removing my eyemakeup that was practically glued on while I overheard the chaos in the bathroom continue. 

I went back into the main room where there was still drinking and a couple guys doing tabs. I'm like uhh, is this a smoking room? They were asked to leave pretty shortly after. There was another guy that stayed in our room not pictured here that was really pissed off about the people  that came to our room and kept on cursing and going on about it over and over so finally I'm like "Shut up dude, who cares they're gone!" He had this sort of "wiseguy" attitude about him and I thought he was a complete idiot. 

I was lucky I came in when I did and didn't stay until the end of the rave because I was able to claim a bed. At this point John and Andrew's brother were completely drunk, passed out on the next bed. I claimed the spot on the bed next to John's friend Zach and I'm so glad I did because of course nobody brought extra bedding. Poor Andrew did not have a comfortable night. Red Lions beds are fabulous, they're like sleeping on a marshmallow. 

Before bed some of us that were still up went downstairs to get pie at 3:14 am (3.14, pie, get it..? hehe...). I love cherry pie, it was delish. Great ending to a great night. 

Sunday morning I was able to pick out a neat snake necklace from my favorite jewelry vendor-- I think Black Cat Jewelry and Crafts is the name of the vendor. Anyway they have a load of cool necklaces to pick from and I've made it a tradition to buy one every year. Last year I got that celtic cross which I realized was way too masculine and pagan looking after wearing it out a few times. This year I got this beautiful, elegant snake. I'll have to get a picture wearing it one of these days. 

And last but not least how I spent valentines day. Hot tubbing and watching the Matrix with one of my  best buddies. I wouldn't want it any other way, bah haha....

peace. 

A good guitarist just knows.

Today I decorated this "Gingerbread Dance Club" with my cousin Aiden. 

I love him so much and was super happy to see him. He's 6 now so we can carry on little conversations and he cracks me up because he's clever. 

It's Monday and tomorrow's Christmas eve. I don't really get all fired up over counting down the the days or anything, but now that it's almost here I'm getting excited. I finally finished my shopping today.

This morning I got up around 10:30 am. My Grandma and parents have always gotten up earlier and this morning I overheard my Dad talking to my Grandma about the guitar and how I'm starting to "create my own style with it." He also of course mentioned his awesome guitar-playing, pot smoking cousin Carl that once told my Dad that the key to getting good at guitar is Practice, practice, practice all the time. Lol thank you Dad for sharing this insight. Anyway that complement meant a lot to me... For some reason I'm always much more flattered when I overhear a person talking about me than a complement to my face that my playing is good.

Whenever someone says I'm good I just tend to deny it. Even after all this work I feel like I'm not close to where I want to be. I am so critical of my playing cleanliness, making mistakes, and the fact that I have such a difficult time memorizing things. I don't know any guitarists that have to grab a big binder of tabs to play for their f**king family, a good guitarist just knows. They know how to both improvise AND play songs. They can confidently perform pieces without forgetting sections and having to figure out where that damn measure is located so I can keep playing...

That perfection is what drives me to practice the way that I do. That confidence just isn't there yet... Even playing in front of my family in the living room that I haven't seen in a year in a half I found practically impossible. I was frustrated because I didn't have my nylon string acoustic and had to borrow my Grandma's steal string. I didn't have the Nothing Else Matters tab nor do I have Guitar Pro on this computer so I had to print it in ugly rough tab form from the ultimate-guitar website. The tab that I printed was laid out very confusing so I couldn't find the solo.

Yet everyone said it was good and I'm just screaming to myself in my head, "No! It's not!! I'm so much better than this, I just wish I had my acoustic.. I just wish I had the tab." And it's always been that way. I can sit here and play alone for hours upon hours and move from song to song seemingly effortlessly yet when I get in front of family or people like Jake that are way better than me I just become a disorganized, excuse making mess.

I'm so tired of that... I need to get my shit together and put more effort into memorizing songs and not skipping from song to song. I need to stick with just three songs at a time and make routine progress on them until I complete and memorize them before I stow them away and print new shit. I did sooo much of that my first year and a half of playing (note that I've been playing 1 year, 7 months... Jake only recently really cracked down on me for being ADHD with songs) and it's what's lead me to where I am now and I know the changes I have to make to get there now.

Wow, I was supposed to be writing about having a good day but now here I am crying.

I guess just being able to show my family what I can do after all this work is important to me. Somehow not having copies of two of my recital pieces was a complete b*tch and even if my family was impressed I still felt like sh*t about it. Oh well, guess there's always next year.


Okay let's talk about something other than guitar...

When I say playing for my family I mean my Mom, Grandma, Mandy, Zoe, Zoe's boyfriend, my sister, Adam, Aiden, Adam's neice and my Dad. My Dad and I had just gone Christmas shopping at Ross so I got a change to grab some last minute stuff that makes my amount of money right now a little less obvious. My Dad's been kicking me a lot of cash on this trip because he says he feels "bad for me" because my sister's loaded from working at Roasters. Well that's what I get for going to school full time I guess.

Next quarter I still will be. I'll just be taking that online class and having one class a day so I have zerooooo excuse NOT to get a job. I'd go stir crazy if I didn't. Terry and I are both convinced we are going to do a lot better this quarter than last, but that means I have to stay on top of things better than I did last quarter. Working might help me schedule my day better, who knows.


peace.

Just have to fight a little longer!!!

....Okay I really shouldn't be writing. The amount that I've studied for public finance today hasn't been great, only a couple hours. I'm really sleep deprived because I was unable to take a nap today after my money and banking final because I felt all the stuff I had to get done weighing on me (irony!!!).

I've got a recital in five days. I really worked at the master of puppets solo tonight for an hour, distraction free. I closed my eyes and thought about playing it in front of people and reminded myself that I really need to focus on having it memorized like second nature before that happens. This time it's going to be much easier because I've developed better memorization habits... Back when I was learning Invention I basically used the tabs 24-7 and when it came down to the end and I had to use them on stage it was a huge disadvantage. Can't happen again.

I'm gonna be in practice heaven here after the final's over. I still haven't gotten a chance to designate an hour to listen to Jake's audio and the picking video so I'm making that a staple thing I have to get done tomorrow. I should have done so over a week ago but it's not like this weeks been a cakewalk. But yeah I'm super excited and happy about the recital coming up, especially because I'm going to have a new award certificate for my stairs.... ha ha

Alright I really need to get back to studying public finance. My plan is to study until 1:30 am or so. I don't think I've gone to bed before 1 once in the past week. Right now I'm just mainly doing reading and reviewing the material. Tomorrow morning I plan to get up around 6 to get ready and study the practice final online for a couple hours before the exam.

Of course I want to do well, it's Sipic's class (who looks amazing in red by the way, he wore this shirt the other day that.... okay anyway...) and because he's my adviser and it is very important that I don't look like stupid. Ha ha he's just one of these people that's so smart you really can't BS your way out of anything, so when I'm taking a test and I get to an essay question that I don't know some of the details and will have to sort of half bullshit it I'm like Nooooooo .... 

Okay that's enough writing for tonight, back to work.

peace. 

Okay... now that I've calmed down a bit.

Wow it's 11:42 pm. I always get to bed later than I anticipate. What's worse is that when I lay down in bed I'll play my DS for about a half hour to bore me to sleep. So yeah, lately bedtime has been 1 am. That'll have to change after this quarter when I've got my intermediate micro class next quarter at 7:30 am..

Sooo I was finally good and spent a couple solid hours writing my policy analysis. It's coming pretty smoothly. I've still got a week to do it, and my goal was to have some sort of rough draft to give to Sipic by Monday to make sure I'm going the right direction with this and get pointers on how to improve it. I'm definitely also going to take my paper to the writing center to get help proofing it. It's not like I'm expecting Toni to actually read through and correct the whole ugly mess of rough draft... lol that's for paid people like Kat L. to do. 

Kat works in the writing center in the library and I see her practically every time I go there (usually to print something..) I'd have to say I probably see her and Alex S. more than anyone else from back home. I see them enough that I try not to initiate small talk every time I see them around campus. 

So I guess you could say I "found"..okay I sort of stole a new recital piece. At least that's the way that I'm still seeing it because the way I found this song was really unoriginal and Jacob is going to know exactly where I got it... on his own facebook wall feed from someone else. 

Creds to Jordan S. for finding this.... He's no longer taking lessons from Jake and therefore won't be playing this at the recital.... Though if he suddenly decides to I am SOL, I am willing to take my chances. 

I have every intention of learning this by the Christmas recital in a little less than a month. I know it sounds crazy but I am really inspired to learn this. Master of puppets was NOT a waste of time-- it was a good song to learn because it probably improved my ability a lot more than I realize but I am so ready to put that sh*t to bed. I'm really hoping Jake says he thinks it's plausible for me to nail this thing in less than a month but there's still a chance he could say I'm crazy and recommend that I need to stick with what I started, who knows.

peace. 

Want to punch a hole through a wall

God I've felt so unmotivated on the guitar lately.

It's like I'm dying to play but I can't because I have no idea what I'm going to play. There's so much out there but I have zero inspiration coming from anywhere because I have to find something that will adequately showcase my skills but also be appropriate for what I need to do with it. I've got a Christmas recital coming up in four weeks.. Something I was really looking forward to until just recently because I'm doubting what the Hell I'm doing. After months of practicing Master of puppets, no questions asked, and having been suggested to learn this for the recital... here it is late November and Jake tells me that won't work because everyone is playing Christmas songs and it'd be kind of inappropriate for me to "metal out" the Christmas concert.

That makes sense... But now I'm so angry with myself because I feel like I've wasted time learning this... Granted no time practiced on the guitar is wasted time but I really wanted to do something awesome for this recital and at this point the plan is that I'm going to play the solo from master of puppets-- which I know about half of right now and barely even want to practice it because I feel so pissed about the circumstances and still don't know exactly how it should sound. I've had issues getting instruction on this via skype so maybe I should look on Youtube. The solo is only like a minute long.. I'm afraid that I'm going to get nervous and speed through it.

I need to figure something out fast or I'm not going to be able to play in the Christmas recital. I feel like the guitar was once so important to me but now I feel like crying because I've lost my motivation and direction....

It's 6:13 pm. In two days I have a test in managerial but I've still did a couple hours of studying for my other classes today as well. This weekend I've probably done a total of about six hours and redid my resume which was a plus. However I still haven't started anything on my policy analysis and that's starting to put a lot of stress on my shoulders because I keep on putting it off and putting it off.

So tonight to make myself happier then what I'm feeling right now I'm going to do the following:

-Study managerial for 2 more hours at my kitchen table-- Chapters 4 and 13.

-WORK ON POLICY ANALYSIS... Just start the damn thing, ugh! Why has this been so hard for me to start? Why do I dread writing papers so much?

-Practice my guitar for a solid hour. I don't care on what.. Hopefully Jake will get back to me soon and help me figure out what I'm going to do with myself because right now I just feel like quitting. I don't want to play master of puppets and everything else that I've got printed out and downloaded is shit. What am I going to play, what am I going to play.... 

I just feel like I'm going crazy right now and want to punch something... There's so much I need to do before it's too late. 

peace. 

Nice Friday evening. And some of my stupid hangups.

I've been desperately searching around for... I guess more mainstream guitar tabs in standard tuning. So desperate that I actually downloaded some....

Even hearing the word Greenday makes me think of Katelynn's voice going "Blagghhh!" like.. 'so stupid!!' 

Saying that I'm learning something by Greenday would still be embarrassing for me to admit for some reason, I think it's because I liked them in middle school. I've also always felt hung up on learning Red Hot Chili peppers, Beatles and Foo fighters. Lol those are pretty much all of my Mom's favorite band's. I think it more has to do with the fact that these are some of the bands I remember Jack playing a lot.. which at this in my life I've grown up enough that it barely makes my stomach churn anymore. 

It's been a long time since I've mentioned him. I did see him briefly standing outside the library talking to someone (I was on my bike, I don't think he saw me or has seem me all year) so I know that he's still going to school there. I don't even know what the deal is, he's got to be close to graduating. I wish he would. I wish he would graduate and move far away so I don't have to see his face again. 

Lately I feel much more content, like I've fully gotten over most emotions that were once just hindering progress. Regardless of taking some hard courses this quarter I've yet to feel completely out of control or did worse than a C on any tests. That's something. Terry's so funny, he was all butthurt this morning because I didn't go to managerial today. 

He's like "You left me in that boring class alone!" 

Ha ha ha ha, I'm like "Payback's a bitch ain't it?" He skipped Money and Banking twice this week. Tuesday I sent him a text like "Go to class today, I really don't want to go...." When he didn't show up I sent him another text that said "FAG." 

Terry responded, "Sorry I had to eat." So when he sent me a text telling me to get my ass to Managerial yesterday I'm like "Sorry I had to play guitar."

To be honest I haven't gotten as much reading done as I should have the past few days. I've been reading bits and pieces but nothing in comparison to the days that I had my internet down. Facebook wastes a lot of time and I'm hoping to use my time wisely this weekend for some upcoming tests this next week. Sipic posted the test guide of everythinggg that's going to be on the exam that I have like an entire week to study, there's no reason I shouldn't nail this. The only reason I got a C on that last test is because I was lazy.

Alright I'm going to get some reading done. It's 7:30 on a Friday, it's likely that I'll get hit up to do something later tonight so I am going to squeeze in some work now.

peace. 

here's something that made me smile earlier... The makeup on the chick on the left is so 90's goth I love it.

Yo, just got back from a pretty fun evening out with my Mom.

We picked up a TV from Goodwill for like $20. It's one of those big clunky TVs but it probably works just fine. I rarely watch TV anyway but it will be good to have some ambient sound if need be. We also got a ton of dishes and cleaning stuff and what not at the dollar store to get me started this year. Because the apartment is going to be completely unfurnished I'm going to be bringing a lot more stuff up with me than last year. I'm "packing an entire house" (what my mom said earlier).


I'm getting super excited to go. As of tomorrow only 3 more days! Woo. Don't have much more to say today, I just lazed around, played guitar a shit ton and packed. OH.. one thing about my guitar playing practice ritual has changed. Unless I am learning something new I am not allowed to look at tabs. Period.

It's time for me to get serious about memorizing music.

peace.

Speaking of 90's goth and halloween, here's some Type O Negative!! Ha ha this band is a guilty pleasure that I somehow stumbled upon a few months ago. I say guilty because it might seem silly and dated to some.

Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing 

You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing 
Dye em black - dye em black 

Black black black black No. 1 

She dyes em black black black black No. 1 

Lol it's so goofy but I love this song. Good metal.

Wired as Hell.

Man I've been so ADD about my practice habits lately... like I just want to learn everything and keep finding new songs that I want to play. For lessons sake I've decided to learn Master of Puppets because it's going to allow Jake and I to work very well together. He knows every measure of that song and will be a lot more effective at teaching it than Anastasia, even if I still love the guitar part in that and want to learn it. Slash might actually be a little too difficult for me right now.... I relistened to that song and it sounds like a massive challenge. Of course Master of Puppets will be too, but I've grown more and more used to Kirk Hammit's style so it will probably be easier to learn than Anastasia.

Here's a picture of Kirk Hammett when he was about my age-- maybe a little younger. 

It's funny to listen to some of Metallica's interviews because Hetfield says that during their first important performances and even subsequent performances for years to come their minds were more set on "Don't mess up, don't mess up...." than the actual music (which I can totally relate too with my recent recitals) and now that they are more experienced musicians today they can fully enjoy it without the stress of messing up. 

It takes years and years of intensive practice to get to this point. I don't have any long term goals of trying to be some famous musician because that's a pipe dream. I just want to get good enough to experience the complete euphoria of having THAT degree of freedom and clarity while playing... The kind Luke Jaeger has, John Petrucci, Steve Vai, Joe Satrianni, Dimebag, etc etc etc....

Speaking of Luke, he's moving back to San Diego. I don't know if Jake and him ever talked again about coming to the tri cities to do a pro lesson but he's been in California. If he comes to the tri cities when I'm in ellensburg out of the blue and gives a lesson to jake's other students I'd be so pissed.... lmfao. 

Okay enough guitar bullshit for now.. I know some of you that read this blog don't care about any of that.

I've been trying to make progress on my roommate search... though unsuccessfully thus far, and hope that my two ads-- both the index card one and the online ad, will get me a few calls and then I'll pick who
I want to live with next year. The girl I tried texting yesterday didn't get back to me and I haven't really gone through the ads on the page today but should. 

School starts on the 25th... I move out on the 22nd. That's abouuuut... 2 weeks before I'm out of here. Wow the end is definitely in sight. My Mom mentioned this morning that it was hard to believe that our birthdays are coming up again and I'm going to be turning 22. Dun dun dun.... 

Haven't thought about what I want for my birthday yet... A new guitar that I can actually tune without having that stupid locked bridge would be nice. I've really wanted to play some coheed and cambria but half of their songs are tuned down. I realize that Keeping Secrets Silent Earth is actually in Standard though so I'm chugging this energy drink and gonna have a blast learning this tonight. 

peace. 

To be the hero is all I ask.....

I've loved this song for years.... Literally I remember listening to this album back in 2008 in highschool when I'd have to run for miles on end at soccer practice. I adore Coheed and Cambria and always will. This will be soo fun to learn too. Like I said, ADD I've got stacks of paper everywhere and it annoys the shit out of Jake. He says I need to get a box to file everything in and I totally agree with him.. I just haven't gotten around to doing it cause I'm too damn lazy. 

Hey don't you wanna go down

Morning everyone..

Technically afternoon in 6 minutes. I've already logged an hour of practice time but it was while watching Intervention simultaneously. I realize now that in order to become more effective in my practicing I must cut out other distractions like my shows. Distractions decrease the utility of my time significantly because my brain is only half paying attention to the music... And even if I'm still practicing and looking at the music my mind is still more preoccupied with what's being said on the show.

This is Michael, a rage addict featured on the show Intervention season 1. 

Yesterday I did happen across a pretty interesting episode though. Michael is 22 years old and is classified by his father as a "rageaholic." Michael has had anger issues his entire life, his brother even stated that he'd hit a classmate with a music stand in the 7th grade (after his parents had divorced when he was 12). He's basically beat the Hell out of his family his entire life. His mother was asked to not participate in the documentary at all which makes me think there was some major abuse when he lived with her after the divorce. 

In the interviews his brother describes how he had been beaten unconscious and his father with a 6-foot park bench. 

I had never heard of rageaholism before this episode.. I guess aside from people that I've met in my life that have told me they had "anger problems" that they have overcome in the past. My Dad's always had a bad temper but he's nowhere near a rageaholic. From what I've been told a very close friend of mine used to have a lot of anger problems and used to treat people pretty mean which I can believe..... no offense. 

Finally got a video up of my playing... it's taken months to get the courage to do this but after I was able to work up to 100% speed after thorough practice this last week I made sure to log this accomplishment. It kind of helped me get over the feeling of doubt about my choice for the concert too so that was good. Today I'm going to play master of puppets and the day that never comes while my Mom and sister are in town.

I've got to work today at 6' which pretty much sucks d*&k.... I'm so tired of that effing place, this is technically my fifth shift in a row. At least it's from 6-close, those are usually my easiest shifts. To top it off it's a Wednesday and like yesterday there's not very many big sales going on in the kids department so I'm safe from the crowds of this last labor day weekend nonsense. From what I've heard it won't get that busy again until December. who knows if I'll even still be working there. I could technically put in my two weeks now because I dread the place but I think once I move back up to school it'll be okay. Like knowing I've got that tiny form of income and sort of an obligation to come home and recoup could be nice... or not what I want at all.

I'm getting really excited to move back to Central, that I know for sure. I still don't have a roommate. I still just want to sit around and practice all day before work and not find one... shiiiit. The next two days I have off work so there's no reason I shouldn't do everything I can the next couple days. Besides I've got nothing planned.

I can promise you 
You'll stay as beautiful 
With dark hair 
And soft skin...forever 
Forever 

Make up your mind 
Make up your mind

It's weird not having Katelynn in my life anymore because admittedly I have not really "gone out" and gotten drunk or anything since we've stopped being friends. I don't see myself going to bars anytime soon, especially now that the only person I'm really hanging out with is Zach and he's 20.

Nobody ever claimed those roses.... I don't understand what the point of that was. Here I am trying to get over someone, starting to like another guy when those roses got thrown in the mixture and has made my current state of mind much more isolated emotionally. Zach is really cute and he's a good guy and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him....

It's not fair that Zach and I have so much in common and I do like him but I've still felt unresolved about this Jay situation, especially after I got those flowers and I'd sort of suspected they were from him after I'd eliminated some names off a list. I've eliminated this list to thinking A) they are from him or B) someone that was trying to f*&k with my head and make it look like they were from him (because that's who I'd liked at the time) because they hate me...... lmfao.

I have no reason to not spend time with Zach and see where this goes. Me and Zach actually have way more in common... like we're both kind of nerdy and he appreciates a lot of the same music that I do (He had a period in highschool that he was listening to a lot of metal so he's knowledgeable and appreciates my guitar playing a lot.) He has emotions and I feel like he really listening when I'm talking to him.

But there's still something about Jay that I've always been really attracted too. I just find him interesting, sexy, intelligent, strong, resourceful.... But these are all qualities that I've perceived, which may or may not be the case. My logic is bias for him obviously and is more patient than what my Mom is saying and that's to drop it because we haven't talked in a month. I know that she's right.

 But because the case of the flowers and why Jay completely dropped contact remains unsolved I continue to sort of wonder what the Hell and why. I figure if Jay did want to do something he would have done it by now and changed his mind. 

peace. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace. 

you don't even know crazy!! ..Recital in TWO days.

"You're soo crazy but at least you have a good attitude about when people tell it to you...." -Jake. 

Pfft whatever, I've been watching Intervention for days, you don't even know crazy until you've seen people on Crystal meth. This is from one of my favorite episodes, Christy. I'll talk more about intervention another time. Honestly it's my favorite thing to watch when I'm practicing.

Good lesson today. Jacob told me that I need to work on pages 2 and 3 of Invention tonight until the concert and strive to hit 15 hours as a goal before that point. That's five hours a day. I'm going to take the challenge because to be honest the recital is all I've had my mind on in days and if that's how long he thinks it'll take to get perfect I'll trust him. Can't remember the last time I played three hours a day, let alone 5.......

It's not about the time necessarily as much as it is perfection. Perfection is absolutely necessary -- you need to be fully confident in what you're playing because in order to have any sort of showmanship you must appear relaxed and play it effortlessly and flawlessly. 

Right now I'd say Invention is 90% completed.... And I have only the rest of this evening, tomorrow between when I wake up and 4:30 pm, and then Saturday from the time I wake up to 2 pm....

I've thought about who sent me the flowers yesterday and I think I now have a solid idea... just because of the anonymity, the fact that the note didn't say "Sorry" or anything in particular (the person I'm thinking of isn't that expressive of his feelings), the fact that it was sent to 9th street and not my house.... Damn if that is true and it is who I think it is I'd be pretty surprised because it doesn't seem like him at all-- which is why I'm keeping an open mind that it could be some completely unexpected person that out of the blue wanted to show their affection toward me, ha ha ha ha.... Yeah that's a slightly nerve wrecking thought.

peace.