Breaking up sucks. Independence.

I've had to make some rather difficult decisions the passed couple days.

First of all, I need to find a job. If I can help it I'd like to live in this apartment as long as possible and that's not gonna happen if I don't find work. I'm going to do everything I can to not have to move back in with my parents after I graduate. I need to continue to apply for career opportunities (or start again, haven't done much of anything since late January because I've been preoccupied) but also try to find a part time job in town to make some extra cash. That way I won't have to ask my parents anymore and it'll be my first step toward real independence.

Secondly, in order to face my emotions head on, I had to break up with Travis. I had to stop using him as a crutch whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I will always love him for being there for me and making me realize I can be loved. He found me at a time my life was spiraling out of control and my depression had reached an all time high for 2014. He helped me recover and find strength again, even while I quit marijuana cold turkey which was extremely difficult.

I have to learn to be strong on my own, even while abstaining from alcohol and not smoking completely. It still sucks not being able to smoke but I know it's for the best, especially considering I'm starting my job hunt tomorrow.

Third, I need to start taking better care of myself. Try to go to the gym every weekday that I'm not swamped with homework. I need to start getting a better night sleep which will help my stress a lot because I will not feel tempted to nap during the day. Napping makes me depressed because I feel like I've wasted a chunk of my day that I could be studying or bettering myself at the guitar. I need to make more time for the guitar again. I haven't uploaded any videos of me playing in such a long time and that bothers me because it makes me feel like anyone from an outside perspective would think I gave it up when I've continued to get better. Granted I don't practice nearly as much as I used to but every day that I do practice is a step in the right direction. Every day that I don't drink is also a step in the right direction because even if it's a depressant and makes you feel better temporarily it brings your inhibitions to an all time low and just creates more work for the next day.

I just need to be strong. Focus on what I'm doing here and pursue every opportunity I can. There's no reason that I carry a certain amount of uncertainty and depression at this point when I've made so many strides in the right direction so far this year. I want to make 2015 my most successful year yet.

Suicide Note pt 1 by Pantera. I listened to the Pantera collection at the gym today and it reminded me how much I love them. I've got a new friend named Brian who is going to send me a list of progressive bands he recommends so I'm hoping to expand my damn good metal list soon. 

peace.

Happy to finally meet you

Evening, it's 9:07 pm. I'm sitting here drinking coffee waiting for my friend Michael to get here so we can do the forecasting homework.

I've had an interesting week so far. I had my finance test on Monday, which as you guys know I spent all weekend studying for. Unfortunately I put too much emphasis on studying one of the later two chapters and not enough time on the first two and neglected to write down a few of the chapter 2 equations on my notecard. When I realize the mistake I'd made I felt frustrated but what can you do. I picked up enough points to get above a C, which was my goal. I got a 72%.

My friend Daniel who seems to be really getting this material got an 80. I know I should really try to study with him or Kevin P. before the next test. I was able to see my cumulative grade in the class. I have a 74%, and I'm pretty much the exact mean/median of the class scores. I am totally fine with that. Granted that means I am going to work a lot harder on these next chapters and try to be cautious of not accidentally skipping material for the next test.


On Monday I skipped forecasting to study for my finance test and finish some assignment that I'd neglected to type over the weekend. When I was waiting outside for class to begin the guy I'd been catching glances with these passed couple weeks walked up. He's flashed the prettiest smile and was like, "Hey!! I'm so happy to finally meet you!"

Okay I don't know if he meant to say that but if he did it means I hadn't imagined it and he was noticing me these past couple weeks. We made some quick small talk before class. He seems intelligent and easy to talk too. His name's Kyle and he's a double major in econ and finance. He told me he'd been at CWU since Freshman year and that his first quarters here he had a 0.9 GPA from partying too much. Kind of cracked me up that he laid that on the line immediately like that. But to have gotten to this point he's obviously improved a lot.

I don't know what his last name is, where he's from or what he's into but I want to get to know him. I'm hoping he'll ask for my digits but we shall seeeee..... lol.

I've been getting back into metal and the guitar lately. I started really learning Domination last night by Pantera and it sounds good. I need to get back to my roots and play things that I enjoy playing instead of just the hardest shit possible. When I'm exercising I listen to a lot of Pantera so I can really hear those guitar licks in my head.

I also really love this song by symphony x. If you like symphonic metal you should give this a listen...

Love is a tragedy

All that I have, all that I'll ever need

Is right here inside

peace.

Well I've had an unexpectedly good weekend already.

As I'd mentioned the other day, I met this guy named Ben in the surc when I was eating my lunch on Wednesday. I had originally thought that he had sent his friend over to talk to me but it turns out his Vietnamese-American friend was the one that wanted to talk to me in the first place. I was surprised to hear that because I noticed Ben had been seriously staring me the second I walked in... Anyway the end result was the same, we ended up talking later that night (the night I was frantically looking for Marshall) and we ended up making plans to hang out on Friday.

He came over here and honestly my apartment was a little less than a wreck. The weather was beautiful and I was too busy practicing my guitar to really care. I wanted to make sure to have a good warmup before Ben came over. He plays guitar too and was a music major for awhile so I didn't know what to expect. He's not bad, he was sort of out of practice but I can tell he can play. He sings really well too.

Just the fact that I can "talk guitar" with him is amazing. He also listened to a ton of metal in highschool so we have that in common too. Like while I was making dinner we were listening to Mastodon and Iron Maiden and all kinds of good sh&t. I made chicken Parmesan, which takes forever and wasn't as good as the first time I made it when Michael was here that one night. This time I forgot to mix the breadcrumbs with the Parmesan/garlic salt which made it a little bland. I put too much milk in the eggs so the breading didn't stick right. By the time it was done we had both downed one and a half of those big cans (me on an empty stomach, so I'm sure I was acting pretty goofy at this point..) so he was too full to even eat.

I still ate. Lol I'm one of these people that can usually eat. My eating habits have been rather weird lately because of my late night studying habits and the fact that I wake up around lunch time 3-4 days a week. Late night eating and drinking beer won't do my figure any favors so I've been working out a lot more to counterbalance it.

I was just watching the first 20 minutes of this pretty nauseating documentary about modelling on Netflix called "Chasing Beauty." It's funny how so few, few people fit into what modelling agencies look for. And how depressing  it would be to have a career solely reliant on your looks. They say in the modelling business "you're old when you're 25." The first 20 minutes of the documentary was pretty much just successful, attractive models talking about how much of being beautiful gives you an edge in life and how fun it is to be on the runway. I was like alllrighty then, how long until we get to profile one of the thousands upon thousands of delusional souls that get rejected in this cutthroat industry?

I'm sure it gets there. I'll give it another shot tomorrow if I get bored.....

Because I have to admit, some of guys in the documentary that are pretty incredible looking...

Whhhew.  

peace. 

Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

Been letting myself have a little fun this summer

Hello everrryone.

Today's Thursday, which means tomorrow's one of my favorite days (payday!!!). I'm planning to go get my paycheck before work, deposit the check, then maybe do a little shopping while the prices are still super low. Apparently we're getting 25% off on top of the clearance so I really want to take advantage of that. It'll be nice to spoil myself a little tomorrow.

Today was pretty much a recharge day. I did play guitar a little and have my lesson at 5:30 but I slept in until about 2:30 this afternoon and then slept again in the evening... I must have been super tired after last night.

I worked a pretty easy Wednesday closing shift (I say this because the sections weren't that disorganized, not too many customers, etc...) and afterward I was driving all over town to  try to get to the bar to meet up with some friends of mine. My phone was dying and for some reason my car charger was not working so I was pretty much screwed and actually decided to drive home before Katelynn said her and Devin could meet me at a Texaco. Got back on the highway and we got to the bar around 11:55 pm.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I drank fast. I drank a long island, a rum and coke and a spider bite in an hour and a half... A bunch of Ashleigh's friends were there. It's like people are getting more aware of this wednesday karaoke night thing. I met a couple of new friends that Ashleigh is working with at Amazon currently. She's going to do well there I think.

Katelynn had a guy with her named Devin last night and I enjoyed his company. He seems like a pretty responsible, down to earth guy. He kind of reminds me of Rachelle's boyfriend Levi because of his red hair. Anyway Katelynn seems to really like him so that's all that's good. Everyone has to weed through different people to find the right match and it doesn't bother me that she and Alan just broke up. Lol if only I was so lucky to find guys in dating. 

Though lately I've grown even more content being single. Deleting and blocking Jack was the first step in the right direction I'd made this summer, followed by telling Terry I'm done trying to communicate this summer because I'm tired of him texting me acting like he wants me to come there and then not talking. Texting is so f*cking annoying when you're trying to communicate with a guy that you like when *they're* still on the fence about you. It's selfish and I'm done with it. I seriously don't like anyone and I've been totally fine with that. I just spend most of my time and money on myself and my own improvement without distractions. 

So I had a guitar lesson today that went extremely well because Jake was able to get me that picking dvd that he originally paid hundreds for. This whole DVD is just about picking technique and it's going to help me a great deal I'd imagine. Anyway hopefully I can get it to run on my computer.

peace.

Oh, here's some random 90's goth metal that I've been listening to by a band called Type O Negative. Great vocal quality unlike many other bands that I've heard. Sends shivers down your spine. Warning the lyrics to this could be considered offensive or sacrilegious. Like most metal it should be taken for the work of art that it is rather than read into what it's trying to say. 

meshuggah take me away from this damned place in my mind

Today's been pretty unproductive because I lost my wallet so I couldn't deposit my check or apply to any jobs without my social. I've been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed so I wasn't able to find my wallet but I was lucky enough that my Mom found it in the van so I should be able to get a couple apps done tonight. 

Life has been kind of hard for me lately so I've been sleeping a lot. I didn't end up talking to that guy Eric again. In fact I sent him a text this morning that said "Well I thought it'd be cool to get to know eachother but clearly we're not on the same page, goodbye." No response. I hate texting, it just leaves people hanging. Fuck I shouldn't have let myself feel that happy that night because it's made the past few days even harder. I don't know how I could have prevented myself from it.... He seemed so perfect. I don't know him though, at all. 

My heart just hurts. And my head's been sick with this bad cough... My parents have been mad at me and my car isn't working very well. I hate my job right now. It's just a lot of things have me very sad with my life right now. 

I'm lucky that my feelings have been very numbed by the prozac this summer but I definitely haven't been completely happy. I think the reality is that I will never feel 100% happy until I find someone because it's just impossible to be 100% content with being alone, as much as I try to suppress my emotions in that respect because my soul has been raked over hot coals time and time again that I just don't want to do it anymore....But it's human nature to keep some glimpse of hope there when someone comes around that you really like because they showed interest in you.

There just has to be an end to that pain somewhere. But not today, probably won't be tomorrow, and maybe not for a very long time. I just have to try to make myself as happy with my friends and hobbies as humanly possible, which I do. But there's still a part of me that is very tortured by love, which should be no surprise to anyone with my history.

I'd like to think the reason I have such bad luck is because men are intimidated by my guitar playing or intelligence. These are two things that I thought would help me attract someone but I think it honestly makes it worse. Men hate the risk of being shown up at anything, especially by a girl. Being a male guitarist turns girls on because it can make any douchebag have the confidence of a rockstar. Being a female guitarist.. especially one that plays metal... is just weird. But that's me and I'm happy with myself and I'm willing to wait for someone that appreciates me for me...

I actually haven't listened to metal in awhile because I felt like things in my life were changing but they're really not. I give up, I can't listen to music about love because I can't relate to it, I have to listen to music about primarily death, pain, killing and war because it satisfies an emptiness that manifests in the root of my soul.  For the past few weeks I tried listening to lots of mainstream artists like Beyonce.. I cannot connect with these songs about love at all.

Okay here's something a little less depressing. Sorry guys. You know me I just have to write it out to feel better. 

This weird kid drove up and down my road in his truck about 100 times today for no apparent reason. He was like practicing "peeling out" or something (I think that's what it's called when you whip your vehicle around and try to make noise with it....). It was so strange though. I actually texted Troy C. like "Are you seeing this?" Ha ha ha. He's like "Yeah I have no idea what the f*ck he's doing!!!" 

He kept stopping at random places in the street to take a drink of his waterbottle, wave at someone or check his phone. This is when he stopped in front of our mailboxes. 

Anyway this was really entertaining for me today just because it was funny and pissing my dad off. 

peace.

Just keep talking

My stats teacher picked out and lended me this book today out of his office.

I asked him if he'd give me some summer reading and he said I needed to read this to better understand our country's financial crisis. Hurrah. I'm totally going to read this sh*t cover to cover and  try to understand it by this August, I don't even care why the hell not I won't have anything better to do aside from mind numbing retail work. 

I was acting like such a dumbass in his office today. He's my advisor now, I'd think, because he laid out my entire schedule for me quarter by quarter and what to register for and when to anticipate graduating. Do you know how much of a favor that was? He seemed totally happy to do it too.

We did talk briefly, and we somehow got to talking about music. He said that being from Eastern Europe he knows a LOT of metal. He mentioned that he was a big fan of In Flames in college.

Ah! In Flames, okay yeah I've sort of heard of these guys. I know for sure Jacob has brought up some of their songs to me. In fact I'm sure he knows a couple. I don't know if that "Dia de los muertos" t-shirt that he's wearing signifies the band's image but I have seen Rachelle use covers on facebook with a similar style. 

I asked him if he's heard of Opeth... Swedish. Not even f**king close to Croatia (derp) but it was the only current metal band I could think of from outside the US on the tip of my tounge. He HAS listened to Dream Theater of course, but I also mentioned that I'm learning other genres like that I'm learning Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Definitely not a band I thought I'd like but they have great guitar melodies. 

So yeah, happy to have that all laid out. Today was a pretty overall good day.

Today in Stats we actually went to this thing called Source... it was a presentation where a bunch of students presented their research. There was a range of ages, like from highschool to the tutor in economics giving his final presentation. There were also some fashion design people and I asked about their amateur lines. It was fun, definitely a nice break instead of lecture. But I like lecture anyway so it doesn't matter, lolol so bad okay I'll stop I'll stop.

I am totally going to read that freaking book over the summer though. I'm excited to read whatever it is he's encouraging me to know about. When I listen to him and trying to comprehend everything that he says it reminds me of when I'm talking to Jake. I can listen to it for hours because I feel like so much of what he's saying is of use to me. I just love getting to know people that know what the hell they're talking about that I can learn from and trust what they're saying is not bullshit. 

This has been one of the reasons I've really liked coming to college. 

I am trying to be as optimistic about this summer as I can. I've been thinking a lot about someone. Not of Terry or Jack or anything, neither of which I've been talking too at all lately. I'm just so over it, I don't care. But I can't help but wonder what it is that continue makes men change their mind back and forth whether or not they want to communicate with me.

Does it matter at all? Nope. Really doesn't... I want more friends actually in my life right now. Like I just want to watch Netflix and eat junk food with a friend but instead I end up with guys in my life that are always seeking some ulterior motive and either A) They confess this to me, creep me out and I can't be their friend anymore or B) They never do but act increasingly passive aggressive toward me over time if they did initially have feelings for me. 

So obviously I'd want to hang out with girls right now. I don't know, I want to hang out with a mix. I want to see different people that I had at my party that one night, they were a total blast. Like Glenn, Ricky, etc. I'd like to spend a lot of time with my family, too. Maybe sitting around outside playing guitar with Miranda running up to me. It's nice to think about.

Time to go to bed.

peace. 

"So you're a female shredder?"

Last summer I was really concerned that Guy Stevens was the reason that I got sick and couldn't eat anything or sleep. I thought it was because I was nervous around him and the anxiety caused appetite suppression

This year the same thing has been happening, and there's been a 180 degree turnaround of the amount of stress in my life since last summer. I can't eat very well nor can I sleep quite right, even in my own bed. I've been making myself sleep with motion sickness relief pills occasionally (just one, don't panic) just to keep my sleeping routine in tact. I'll try to go to bed at a decent time but the heat will keep me up and then it'll end up being 1 or 2 AM before I actually sleep. The heat actually struck late this year, here it is late July and we're just barely getting that uncomfortable heat outside.


Me and Trisha were sitting outside last night while she was smoking a cigarette and I actually got cold with a slight breeze after being in their very warm house. I haven't liked the temperature changes this summer because I've either been really cold or hot. The only place I can seem to get temperature control is at home. Katelynn's house is pretty close to perfect, too, temperature wise but when I wear skimpy clothes to beat the summer heat I have to sit with a blanket. It's all silly. Maybe next summer I'll venture north to get away from this heat.

I've been hanging out over at Trisha's and Dylan's house a lot, for a number of reasons. First of all, me and Trisha were immediately really good friends. Our personalities contrast in a perfect way so that we get along. She's much more of a Type B personality than I am. She's so graceful and good at things that I suck at like cooking and cleaning so I feel like I can learn a lot from her. She's nice, very cool, she never annoys me and she has a good sense of humor.

______________________________________________________

Dylan and I sometimes butt heads. Not about anything in particular but he does rip on my music taste at least once or twice each time we're together. I don't rip on his but I think it pisses him off that I'm a shred guitarist and don't do much else yet. I've only been playing for... what this is week 15 or something? I want to expand to other music as I get better but this takes time. They've both been playing for years.

I did however notice Dylan trying to play some thrashy sounding stuff when we were sitting in the basement. I'll sit at there house while I'm hanging out with them and play like I do at home just to get my hours in. I won't play with the volume or anything because I know they don't like the music that I like.

Last night, however, this poking fun of my playing got to the point that I actually cried. We were sitting upstairs; me, Trisha, Dylan and Dylan's friend.. crap I can't remember his name, ERIC! Their shaggy haired blonde friend Connor usually showed up out of the blue from time to time, too, but Dylan and Eric are very close.

I liked Eric alright at first, he's got a pretty good sense of humor and he's intelligent. However, anytime I'd say anything around him he'd always either talk over me or rip on me, so I'd sort of stop talking after awhile. He's clever, he could take something I was describing that I was passionate about and totally turn it on me and make it seem like the lamest thing in the world. 

He really pushed my buttons at around 1 am. We'd been partying a bit and I was really exhausted, we were sitting upstairs watching this political humor show... not Colbert Report but the other one. I don't know, I could care less about most politics in this country and don't recognize any of the "guests" on these shows, nor do I watch the news. I was doing my last hour of guitar, all palm muted of course so nobody would get annoyed by it. 

I like the music that I do because I don't relate to music about love. Somehow my brain relates more to music about pain, war, Hell and destruction. Even if my life hasn't been that bad I've been through so much war with my own depression, pain and injustice with the people that this music just suits me better. So of course if I'm going to learn how to play guitar I'm going to learn songs that I like. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. In fact I hate playing in front of people and still consider myself a NOVICE player even if some that have heard me have been impressed with my speed. 

Eric picked up my practice sheet and started reading the titles out loud. "Wow, look at this. Alternate picking pattern 1... alternate picking pattern 2... chromatic scales.. Am I reading this handwriting right? Fear of the Dark, OHH that sounds scary.." I simply told him it was by Iron Maiden. 

He goes on to tell me, "Look, it's cool that you're a female shredder, there's none on the "scene" right now... but I absolutely can't stand this music and I'll just be over here doing MY *insert some band here, I don't even know*." He went off on a five minute tangent from here ripping on what I do and started making fun of how serious I was about it and in this process I'm like "Stop...... stop... Please stop." 

I told him that I didn't want to be on any sort of "scene." I didn't want to be in a band or anything, I just want to play. He told me, "OHH you're just playing so that you can upload a video on youtube or something and have a bunch of metalheads get blown away that you can play their favorite song. Favorite. Favorite. Favorite." I had no prior indication that I had a youtube channel but he did hit the nail on the head with that one, yet made it sound so lame that I felt like I was being vain and ridiculous for even wanting to do so. 

By now he had taken my practice sheet and started writing things on it. I don't know what he wrote because I finally just started crying and said, "It's like my therapy, don't do that!" He crossed the line.

It would have been 10x worse if he would of had the nerve to write on my actual practice sheet. I would have probably ripped it away from him and left. It's a major depression curbing tool that I use that is sacred to me. I was really offended and humiliated that he would take something that I thought was so cool and personal to me, and turned it into something that made me feel like I was being lame in my methods to other guitarists.

I'm going to get going, I slept in until 1 today because nobody's been home and I've just been chilling out. I don't want to see anybody, really. 

peace. 

When you've got really nothing to lose....

Kamelot's outfits look like hot topic throwup, but I absolutely love some of their music. Metal soothes everything. 

My heart must be numbing quite a bit.

Jack got ahold of me again yesterday, after a three week hiatus where I had figured he found another girl and  accepted it. He denies any of my claims against him about talking to me between girls because he doesn't have girls. Riiight, what about the relationship that you just got out of before you started talking to me with some younger girl? What about Jessica last summer? What about the girl you found over this last Spring break that you stopped talking to me for? Was that the same girl? I don't know, I've lost track.

His main excuse for not talking to me for weeks was because he was "intimidated." I was like, are you serious? That makes NO sense. You mean to tell me Jessica Small didn't intimidate you? You sure pursued her. And Aliche from Italy from Milan f*cking modelbodyperfectsmileperfectfaceperfecteverything didn't intimidate you? You pursued her!

Of course he has an excuse for everything, but somehow schmoozed his way into another "I forgive you" and I guess we're on more... decent terms than we were when I told him he was dead to me. I can barely even talk to him now, though. I get so frustrated with his headgames that he plays unintentionally and I still doubt we will actually ever see eachother in person again unless it's in passing when we get up to Central. His plans never work out, ever. So I can't think that even if we're on decent terms that we will actually spend time together. I know better now.

haha I was never a fan of this picture of myself particularly but I think Samantha looks cute. My lips look so thin! 

 I felt like I had to break it to Samantha and she seemed so disappointed in me. For her, and a lot of girls, I feel like I'm somewhat of a role model for the benefits of personal independence. I feel like I've helped her see a lot of her own self worth outside of her relationship with Shawn, but how can I give her advice when I don't even take my own advice? I tell Samantha not to put up with Shawn's nonsense (every guy has nonsense, it's nothing personal to Shawn, actually their relationship has gotten way better since they moved in with eachother) yet I put up with Jack's nonsense again and again and again and again. It makes me feel stupid, like anyone that knows what I've put up with would look at me and think I'm like a stupid dog that keeps on kicked but won't take a hint.

That's the thing though. I know that Jack doesn't deserve yet another chance to prove that he's not just talking to me between girlfriends, but I like him enough that I can't let go of it. Plus I have nothing else and nothing to lose. Here's my prediction. He's going to find some other girl in the next 24 hours, if not in the next week. I'm not his friend on facebook anymore, AGAIN (seriously this is like the 10th time this has happened), so I can't see what he's doing either way. Even if we do start talking again I don't think I'm going to add him on facebook unless we actually see eachother in person. Again, probably won't happen.

I'm not nearly as irritated and discouraged by him talking to me as I've usually been in the last couple times, nor did I get giddy when he texted me back... I didn't feel anything, maybe a little short tempered and laughed at the fact that he actually had the nerve; but I didn't feel any pain or happiness necessarily. I'm taking better control of this emotional rollarcoaster that I've dealt with.

Maybe my heart really is giving up hope with it and that's why I'm feeling more numb. I hope so.... I so badly want to admit that I've moved on completely but it just never seems to happen, and the only reason is that he keeps randomly talking to me and I can't seem to NOT talk to him back. Everything is so on his time. He only talks to me when it's convenient for him, so I don't dare text or call him first.

In the four years that this has been happening, neither of us have ever told eachother that we like eachother. He's never even given me that. He never compliments me at all, I never compliment him either because I don't want him to think I want a relationship and scare him off. Because of this, I'm always tiptoeing around what I'm saying, while he somehow flirts with me on the other end.

It's all just so lame that it's almost comical. Samantha is the only one I'm going to tell about this because I think she has a bit higher tolerance for that sort of thing than Katelynn and Katharine. I feel like Katelynn would just be like, "OH god!! NO." and Katharine would probably give me a long lists of reasons why I shouldn't. They're both right, actually all three of them are right because Sam doesn't like it either.

Samantha is just a better person to talk to when I know I'm probably doing something wrong but can't help what I'm doing. I really wish I could just tell him to f*ck off entirely but when he keeps coming back it makes it hard. He's just too cute and our personalities are so compatible in so many ways but he drives me up the f*cking wall and makes me miserable at the same time.

Work today was boring.

I'm gonna get blazed and play guitar.

peace.