Recalibrating my life again

School has been hard for me lately.

I think a lot of it had to do with starting this quarter off badly which f*cked up my internal schedule and confidence so I haven't been able to figure out a solid routine yet. Today I tried spent a lot of time studying macro Chapter 3 but pretty much got nowhere on the homework. The math is really killing me right now. I need to actually practice it, and I'm hoping that adding the website to my studying will help me do that this next week.

I know in order to hold myself to practicing anything I have to create a schedule with the number of hours I'm going to spend on it.

This is me feeling very stressed out and defeated. I spent about 5 hours studying today with little physical proof of improvement of understanding (completed assignments...) so I know I have to approach this differently. I'm meeting up with Kevin tomorrow to figure out the Ch. 3 production function equations I could not for the life of me get today. Then I'm going to start using the website to more proactively study the book.

Here is my schedule for the next week. I have my first macro test on the 31st and right now I'm not feeling prepared for it at all. I've wrote out this planner so that in the next week I'm going to do about 12 hours of Macro study by the time I hit the upcoming test because I know that's how much I'm going to need. That's a goal of two hours of studying macro alone each day this week, plus also remembering to chip away at that project 2 for my management class.... And try not completely throw guitar under the bus. And find a job. 

....Because I have no money, which is another source of stress in my life because my parents give me money to live so I try to spend as little money as possible. But now that I'm 22 everyone around me is drinking and alcohol is so tempting and freaking expensive. And of course I have guitar lessons that cost $80 a month and my habit that cost as much as any regular smoker at this point. 

All this stress is making it so not I'm getting enough sleep. I haven't been to sleep probably earlier than 2 am all week because I am too stressed to fall asleep and keep getting woken up from nightmares of failing school. Literally I've been having these nightmares where I have to take an exam and I'm not ready or I somehow fuck up my life and wake up in a panic and it makes it hard to even get up in the morning so I'll end up sleeping in until 11' even if the nightmare woke me up at 6!!! 

I have to change all these bad habits in my life right now before it's too late and I get a D on my first exam. This week I will get more sleep, eat healthier, smoke less, work more, wake up earlier, study harder and practice better. Then by this time next Saturday I won't feel like this. I'll tell you how the first day of this goes tomorrow (well, technically today, obviously going to bed at a decent time isn't getting off on the best foot but tomorrow I'm going to make it a goal to be in bed by 11)

peace. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace. 

I wish I could focus for 7 hours

Yo everyone, it's 4:15 pm on a Saturday.

I have so much work to do today, so much information to try and grasp and I'm really going to work on my solo. I feel very invigorated, probably because I just drank my second cup of coffee today and to be honest I haven't eaten much aside from a couple pieces of toast and a little at a BBQ Hassan invited me too. I also got a text from Abdull about being ready for his lesson so I've got some preparations to do. Tomorrow the library will be open so I intend to get their stuff ready tonight, e-mail it over and print in the library before Abdull's lesson.

Today I would like to do a solid 2 hours of statistics AND a solid two hours of economics AND play the guitar for 2 hours AND read my speech book.... Is that too much to ask myself in one day? Probably but I have nothing else planned and I'm interested to see if I can do it. Let's see, that's 7 hours of work. It's 4:18, that means I'd  get done at 11:00.. yeah that's probably too much.

I'm just going to do an hour of each subject at a time and write on my white board when I finish things. I've stopped writing my daily to-do list on my whiteboard because it stresses me out more than it's worth.

I saw Terry for a little while today. He came over and I showed him my filing cabinet and guitar hour log, he told me it was really cool. He went to a bar last night with his friends so we hardly texted eachother and I kind of got the feeling he was blowing me off. Nope, guess not. He told me today he's not a big fan of long texting conversations which is nice because neither do I. It keeps things interesting too.

This is a video that Terry showed me the evening I hung out at his place. 

 My mom said  it's kind of ironic that Jack's brother is James Otto who's famous and Terry's cousin is Kurt Cobain. Terry does a lot-- he plays sports, cooks, gets really good grades, is really attractive and plays music. We're a lot alike in a sense that we  both really like to get stuff done and we're both competitive.

I'm looking forward to the weather warming up so we can play tennis together.

So yeah, I'd like to say this situation is looking okay. This is the kind of consistent cat and mouse that I was looking for. It's definitely interesting and it's nice to have a crush on someone. Not having a crush on anyone is the pits because you feel like there's something missing yet at the same time I want my complete independence so I really can't complain.

Today I also went to a BBQ that my guitar student Hassan invited me to. I invited my friend (who I met through Allie) Kala to come and by the time she got there it was freezing cold and pouring rain.

I've been praying... so much lately. Probably 3-4 times a day, and usually it's to ask for the mental strength to understand my schoolwork, lmfao. That and to be happy and live in the present. Prayer helps me a lot, especially when I feel like there's nobody to talk to in my house. My roommate clearly doesn't like talking to me. Since I've started praying I've noticed a lot of improvements in my life, both academically and mentally. Whether or not there's a God listening, something clicks in my brain when I say it in a prayer. It's like my mind identifies it as something I need to do.

Hard to explain I guess.

I have officially have my recital rehearsal in one week.

peace. 

I finally realize what I'd want.

Ha ha, okay there's a first for everything.

Jessie, the girl that I sit next to in my economics class, and I have have not talked for over a month. I don't think she particularly likes me. I deleted her from my friends on facebook. I don't think her and my personalities really click. I'm too nice to people, ha ha ha. I'm sorry but jeez, you should have seen these nasty looks her friend was giving me when I was at this party. Her friend Alan who's apparently competed in American idol with an accent and Jessie's roommate sat with us and spent most of their time talking smack about other girls. I really had nothing to say, and found myself quiet the majority of the time. I didn't imagine I'd be hanging out with them again from that point on and I didn't realize Jessie disliked me until the night of that party.

Actually I think she'd been sort of giving me the cold shoulder for a couple weeks prior to that. Ha ha, she discovered our personalities didn't click very well before I did. I decided after that night to stop talking to her. We haven't talked ever since.

Around the same time my roommate and I stopped talking. I'm not too worried about it.

I've been watching Daria a lot on Hulu. Did I tell you guys that I've got Hulu premium? For a month or so anyway. I plan to cancel it when I'm done watching all the episodes and get sick of it. Like king of the hill, this is best taken in little chunks here and there and not watch them all back to back because they can get boring. I find this show really humorous but a little less enjoyable for me than King of the Hill for some reasons.

There's something really nostalgic feeling about Daria because it used to be on in the background at times when I was a kid but I was too young to get the humor so it never caught my attention for very long. The first episode came out in 1997, when I was six. The dull, grungy colors are very 90's feeling.

This is Trent Lane from the show Daria. Want  to hear something kind of funny? The first thing I'd really recalled from the show when I was reminded that I wanted to watch it is that I thought Trent was hot. From the one or two times I probably watched it at Katharine's house when I was 9 or 10. My tastes in men have not changed what so ever, hahaha. Grungy musician types with dark hair.

No, I'm just kidding. To be honest I have no idea what my type is physically, an attractive guy is an attractive guy. I more go for good "Types." I'm not trying to stereotype  but there are definitely different "Types." Like I've been attracted to cowboy types (not my thing what-so-ever but I have liked a couple), skateboarders (in my younger years), musicians, snowboarders, artists,... Idk, just as long as a guy has something that he's up too so that he's not bugging me all the time. He's got to have something going on. I used to perceive types inaccurately when I was younger.

Creative abilities are always a plus but not necessarily guitarists I've found. As I've dealt with guitarists I've learned that I don't want to date one because it's a very competitive game, ha ha ha. Okay it doesn't HAVE to be but it's what really inspires us to progress. It does not bother me that Abe doesn't practice all the time like I do.

I don't think I could ever be with someone just like me, but there are some qualities in my personality that I like a guy to have. Like I like him to be able to not humiliate himself in a large group of people. It is very important that a guy has enough composure to be around other people and not make me feel awkward. Now I am much, much less picky about this with people in general. In fact I'm an extremely tolerant person. But when it comes to someone I'm dating, having composure is an absolute plus.

I think that's one of the reasons I liked Jed quite a bit initially (I swear to God I do not still like this guy. I just have few references of guys I've really liked since I've discovered that I am qualified as a person to not settle for someone I'm not attracted too). He told me that his appearance and how he acts around people is something worth paying attention too. I understand what he means completely. Even if I don't try to second guess what I say and do in my everyday life when I do say stupid things because that's pointless (and I used to do a lot of that when I was younger) I try to say what's appropriate for a given time/who I'm talking too. We all do it. And I'm not saying you're two faced. Or have multiple personalities. But you wouldn't talk to your best friend the same way you talk to your grandmother.

It really has taken me years to manage having any kind of confidence and composure. I can look back on my old blog entries from years ago on facebook and think of this. I think life is just what you make it. How you perceive it. It's unfortunate to say that some people are born into very, very hard circumstances and find it hard to live successful, fulfilling lives because they are immobilized by the obstacles of their upbringing. Though everyone is born with a certain nature (whether or not this is inherented from your parents in some way is questionable), the things that happen in your life sculpt who you are.

When I think of people that started out with a messed up life I often think of the stories of those on Intervention. This is one of the more memorable ones, Christy. 

It seems like almost all of these drug addicted women on Intervention were molested when they were younger. I would say this has a higher frequency of leading to drug dependancy than other disasters in a child's life.

peace.

Finally saying No.. after four years of this nonsense.

Fillip S. posted this earlier. Sometimes I wonder if what this says is true. People that have faith seem to be a lot more calm about their life, including Brendan who has witnessed a number of my panic attacks. He tells me to pray and meditate and it helps, but meditation often seems unappealing when getting into my own thoughts is often what leads me to feeling the panic. 

Any time I think about religion I start to cry because I'm scared of it. That's why I get so nervous to talk about anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. Being in churches tends to make me feel like I'm going to cry, too. I remember walking around the catholic church with my great Grandma and saw some of the alters and cried.. Going to a place to study what happens in the unknown scares the Hell out of me. But maybe it could help me improve my life and help my anxiety.

I haven't taken Brokaid in a few days which I'm pretty sure is why I've felt an increased amount of panic. Today hasn't been particularly bad, but it has worsened as the evening has progressed. I think I was nervous about the party that I thought I was going to with Josie because it snowed today and the roads are probably bad. I don't like driving on icey roads, especially not at night.

Josie was actually the first one to text me about it. She's at work and said she might not feel like going because of the weather. I told her I totally understood. 

I feel as though I might be getting sick, anyway. I have a runny nose and my throat is a little sore but not too bad. Probably would be better for me to get a good night sleep if this is the case. I'll be really happy to see Brendan again on the 31st.

That's Brendan on the left. : )

I can honestly call him my boyfriend now, even if we're not "facebook official" and probably won't be for a few weeks. The reason I can say this without a doubt is because yesterday I made one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time because of my feelings for Brendan. 

Jack is the first person I've ever had very strong feelings for. They started out when I was about a sophomore in highschool and over the past few years he's kept these feelings alive by texting me off and on, acting like he's going to make plans and then never following through with them. Everything is 100% on Jack's time, he texts me when he's alone-- which is incredibly rare because he's always around bros. He also texts me when he's drunk. It's like, that's the only time he allows himself to actually think of me and that alone is an insult that I've grown to realize about him.

He always texts me out of the blue around the holidays, or when we've got some break from school. I always delete his contact from my phone because what will happen is we'll talk a little bit, then he'll abruptly stop talking and my feelings get hurt and I delete the contact again. It's been something I've been dealing with for years. On numerous occasions I told him to just stop doing this, told him I couldn't stand him anymore, the whole bit... But it's almost like he knew that no matter what I said it didn't make a difference because I'd forgave him in the past.

Jack texted me shortly before school ended asking when I was going home. I told him and he responded that he wasn't coming back to the tri cities for a couple weeks. This was shortly after (before I met Brendan) I'd out of the blue invited Jack to come over one evening when I was stoned, lonely, and didn't even care anymore about my dignity in the situation. Not anymore.

Jack texted me yesterday morning that he wanted to start spending time together again. It all just sounded like bait, he's done this crap before. He's been in the tri cities hanging out with his bros all week, I'm sure... Even when I was living in Ellensburg he never made any effort to talk to or visit with me, and we live a f*cking block from eachother! I would never be a priority to him, I would always be something of convenience... 

So of course I know I had to tell him no, I can't. I'm seeing someone. Period. Brendan makes me a priority in his life, he and I get along so well and he doesn't cause me any stress. In fact he helps my anxiety because he's a very spiritual, intellectual person that has the patience to actually listen to me. I would not want to give up what I have with Brendan to put myself in the almost inevitable disappointment with dealing with Jack again. 

I feel weight lifted from my shoulders having been able to finally tell Jack "No" but it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in this respect. Not because I don't have feelings for Brendan, but because of the feelings I once had for Jack and somehow over the years my mind built him up to be something so great... So that's been stressful but talking about it here makes me feel a lot better. 

My family's all hanging out in the living room. I should really make some tea and join them for a bit. Josie might be coming over later this evening. Originally we were planning on going to a party that her coworkers are holding but the snow on the roads and potential for worse weather later tonight deterred both of us from wanting to go. 

peace. 

What the Buddha taught me today...

I feel empowered today.

I watched a documentary about Buddha today. Though there is no concrete evidence of the exact story of his life, what he taught about the pathway to enlightenment and understanding human suffering will be very valuable to me. I plan to read more about him later.

The Buddha himself was born in India to a rich family, and was basically bred to be the next major ruler of the country. His father adorned him with constant riches, women, anything he could ask for... for about twenty years. He said he was treated very "delicately" growing up, and was not exposed to the outside world to witness the pain and suffering witnessed by man in common society. It was not until his first time stepping into the real world that he saw the inevitable fate of all humans-- Disease, Aging and Death. He had witnessed human suffering.

Back then there was not much organized religion outside very ritualistic Indian practices established by ancient gurus that were said to be a hindrance on every day life. As society was changing many people began seeking spiritual guidance on their own by means of self deprivation to gain enlightenment. The Buddha did this himself, joining a group of other anoretic men and led by a guru performing near constant meditation.

The Buddha had starved himself to near death before finally leaving the group to seek his own personal enlightenment. He decided that without food, the body becomes so focused on sustaining life that an individual is unable to think clearly at all so yes, it should be okay to eat and drink.. He hadn't eaten in months when he sat down beneath a tree and meditated.

In this meditation he envisioned monsters, one of which symbolizes human greed. This monster did not want The Buddha to reach enlightenment because he felt it would change the world. He was offered extraordinary temptation-- such as women (I believe in the story it was the monster's daughters, I'm not entirely sure..) and power. He refused them, with the Earth as his witness.

In his enlightenment the Buddha realized that as human beings on this Earth we live in "suffering," but not necessarily "to suffer,"  but more like... We're never truly satisfied with everything, and even when we feel happiness it's momentary. Even the most beautiful grow old and the most powerful get sick. This is the one life we have and if we just stop and look around we can understand the beauty of the Now.

The "now" is your current circumstances. I look around my room and see my current "now." It might not be home so it might not be the most comfortable place in the world for me at times, but that is no reason to be worried. This is the school I'm attending now, again not perfect but if I learn to see the beauty in the simple things around me as well as try to better understand the human beings living around me I will live a fulfilling, happy life.

The Buddha does not give reference to the afterlife, and at the time he was alive people very much believed in Reincarnation. Though I believe reincarnation is a possibility in the mystery of life, I choose to continue to believe that God, or some creator, exists. I pray to God and my ancestors for guidance, but I have no interest studying what is believed to happen in the afterlife because that's not important.

What is important is to accept that we are given this life and have to make the most of it and fulfill whatever purpose drives us.



When I started having panic attacks I began seeking additional spiritual guidance because life was suddenly looking so grim to me. When you feel like you're going to suffocate from the sheer stress of the transitional period in your life everything around you seems pointless. Today I am as far away from that feeling as possible, I once again embrace my life for every day by working hard, eating well and trying to understand people from all walks of life.

Facebook allows me to meet and "study" all kinds of people so conveniently.

Well I'm expecting company. Just thought I'd share that. I studied a whole bunch today for my accounting final tomorrow, wish me luck.

peace. 

This is it!

Today was good. I had my last lesson with Jacob. Here's me drinking a Monster outside the building. Jacob has been doing a lot of decorating lately and it looks nice in there. He gave me a lot of new material to work on and practice as well as lots of discussion about my future business. I asked him how many of his students have wanted to learn metal music, and he said a total of 4 (counting me) for his entire guitar teaching career. About 50% of his students want to learn rock. That's a good sign.

I'm sad to let him go, though.. He really has made these last five months some of the best in my life in some odd sense. For the past five months I've become so much more confident and centered in the world, I feel ready to take on whatever challenges come to me.

Because this is IT. The time is here! I'm leaving TOMORROW. 

I wanted to get a picture of a screenshot where it says "I should get going too" when he leaves the house at the beginning of the game but I couldn't so here's the shorts kid. I'm so excited though! I feel like the pokemon kid though, I'm gonna start my big adventure tomorrow! 

I plan to leave around 9:00 AM because we're meeting at 11:30. That means I need to get up at 5:30 or 6, get ready, and begin packing the last of my stuff (the stuff that I use from a day to day basis like my computer, my makeup, etc etc...). I'm hoping this will all come together without too many problems.

peace.

I wasn't used to it. Being happy for the first time. [Project life timeline, 14]

Stare straight ahead, stare straight ahead, make awkward small talk, 

sigh, it's over... I can go home.

10 days

My arm hurts sort of badly and I'm getting a tiny bit nauseous from a flu shot that I got at work today. It was a flee immunization that I got for working at Rite Aid, so that was a major plus. Diane reminded me about it. She's our sort of dark, no bullshit pharmacist. Almost all of our pharmacists like me for the amount of hard work I do and what I put up with.

I feel weird talking to anyone at work, so I get nervous when I talk to the pharmacists or anyone else. I'm really just trying to hold my good reputation and not have any problems with anyone; even if tensions get higher at times. 

Today I worked 7-3 (I usually work from 7:45-3) because we had a huge amount of ad. I usually cashier and do front end ad but now they want me out on the floor doing actual tedious work, I love it. Traci was head cashier for the whole shift, I was so grateful that Jodi let me work the floor today. I did a great job and hope I can again for my last Sunday shift. 

Onto my project timeline! I've thought a bit about what I'm going to say in this one.

Project Timeline, Age 14

2005-2006

I remember REALLY liking this picture, haha. Back at the beginning of standing in the bathroom taking pictures of yourself.

The reason for this of course being MySpace, which was really big at the time. I remember the scene kid look was just getting big, too, but I could never afford to complete an entire look even if I wanted too. I never really stuck to a trend for this reason, I always had a really random assortment of clothes; they were okay though I mean my mom had a better sense of style than I did. 

I recall 8th grade being one of the biggest transitional years of my life for a lot of reasons. 

I was taking my second class with Zorn, my homeroom was full of the same
"smart kids" (I'm sorry to say most, if not all, of them were white, and they went from class to class for the most part) that I hung on the tail end of. 

I mean I was smart, definitely above average emotional intelligence in comparison to other students and I would occasionally pop a good computer standardized test grade... But because my grades hadn't been fantastic I had classes with most of the students at ki-be from one time or another. 

I was in my fourth year of band, still playing the trumpet and starting to lose interest in it... I'm pretty sure at this point it was just Scott and I, and Thomas. There were quite a few of us to begin with but over the years more and more kids dropped and band became a little embarrassing. I took a lot of pride in having the opportunity to play the trumpet and really worked hard at it until I quit after Freshman year.

What was unfortunate about 8th grade Band is that Parks had retired and we were stuck with Neilson. Neilson had no enthusiasm what-so-ever and we would chop through songs. Parks was a little weird but he was still an incredible band teacher and I still appreciate what he taught me. Learning that guitar probably would have been a lot harder otherwise... 

I'm going to be honest, I was never really friends with any of these girls-- especially not in middle school. Hailey and I had a fight just a few weeks after this photo was taken, I'd assume. Don't get me wrong, Chelsea and Emily were both on my sports teams for years and I respect them. Emily B. and I actually talked at Katharine's college graduation party and got along a lot better now that we're away from the highschool environment... but back then, meh, I'm pretty sure I probably annoyed them both.

When I was 13 I was a HUGE NEGATIVE NANCY. This got a lot better my 8th grade year once I got a little more confidence but even more so when I started taking Paxil. 

Paxil was after a long string of problems, though. 

Hailey H.... I have not talked about this person in a long time. I don't feel any anger toward her, it's just weird to think she's the only person I've ever been in a physical fight with. It's extremely out of character for me. Hailey is pictured with the yellow sweater over her shoulder.

At the time the fight was about Wiley. I guess I sort of dated Wiley for like a week when I was 13; probably freaked him out a bit. ANYway, I'd gotten wind that Hailey was telling people the reason Wiley and I dated is because she had told him to go talk to me. I don't know why this would piss me off, but I think I interpreted it as 'she was in control of that situation' and I used it as ammunition to go for it.  

I remember talking to Jake H. about my dislike for Hailey, just talking a bunch of smack about her the week prior planting seeds of tension between us. Jake did NOT like me back then, AT all. In fact he told me this just recently when we were hanging out during christmas break. He told Hailey shortly after the note and boom, before you know it we were catfighting in the back of the school with a bunch of people watching.

It was a pretty wimpy and brief fight I'm sure, I have no recollection of it. I do however remember going to Mr. Wing's office and cursing up a storm and then crying to Katharine on the phone. I got suspended, obviously, for one day...

The fight itself really had nothing to do with Wiley, even if at the time I didn't know... The fight was really about breaking away from Hailey. When I was that age I used to hang out with her as a "Safety blanket" because I felt I was more attractive than she was even if I had zero confidence at the time and she had all the confidence in the world. She seemed to accept me for who I was for the most part. That and she was an open and pretty intelligent person so I felt I could open up to her more.

She caused a lot of drama in my life, somehow. Though I do think I made a lot of that myself, too, just from being a big mouth myself. I don't know, I'm sure wherever Hailey is now she's being quirky, loud and opinionated and I'm sure she had a better time at Hanford than she would have at Ki-Be. I'm happy she wasn't part of my highschool experience, honestly. 

I never had to face Hailey again, though I know she's probably seen me around CBC. Reason being I didn't come back to school after that suspension 8th grade year. That day of suspension was that day before spring break, and I went camping with Katharine's family that week. I had a head injury and almost died. I'd rather not go into great detail about that experience. 

I didn't have to go back to school for the remainder of the school year because of my throbbing migraines. Let's say that I was never addicted to oxys but I was a little sad when my big bottle was gone. Just in time, too. 

Bahh okay side note I'm in absolute heaven right now. Tater tot casserole, weekend shifts are over and I have the night to myself to just practice and practice. Bliss, complete satisfaction at this moment. 

This was taken on Jeff's camera at his house. We practically stole the thing.

Katelynn and I had a falling out around soccer season my 8th grade year. That previous summer at Benton City Daze Katelynn had come with me to hang out with people. Well, me being still pretty funky, zitty, insecure and awkward and Katelynn with her long hair and large boobs... You can kind of imagine how this went. 

If you can't imagine, Katelynn got a lot of attention from guys and I felt jealous and couldn't take it. 

I remember the one day Katelynn and I hung out that went south. I had always loved going to Katelynn's and we'd spend a lot of time together staying up all night and talking, being imaginative, whatever. As we grew up we became more and more competitive, predominantly from my end because even if Katelynn's home life with Jeff wasn't perfect I thought it was so neat that she was able to go to the huge Desert Hills middle school when I was stuck at stupid Ki-Be where I couldn't find any friends...

As Katelynn got prettier, skinnier and seemed to have lots of friends at Desert Hills, I began to feel more intimidated and started bragging like CRAZY about sports and other stupid shit that didn't matter to Katelynn at all. This bothered Katelynn and she finally called me out about it at her house one day that fall in 2005. She couldn't take it and I didn't blame her.

Later that night I sent her some horrible bashing messages that she pretty much responded, "Okay? Lol." I was CERTAINLY put in my place. You see, this situation has taught me a lot. First of all, I now know how girls act when they're jealous. Second, I now know how to handle myself if I have crazy girls come at me like this... and I have, just in the last year. I'm happy that I learned this lesson when I was 14 and it was more excusable. 

Katelynn and I made up again in May. That picture was taken a time that we had hung out again after a long hiatus. 

I never liked this cut out, I wish I would have just left it as is in the store. This is genuine, though, Katharine and I loved cutting people's heads off in photos and sticking them on things. I came up with some really funny, weird ones too and I wish I could show them too you. 

Eighth grade really was a big year for Katharine and I because for the most part she was my only real friend at the time. Jordan G. had moved the previous year and that group that we had formed dispersed because Jordan was the glue that held us together. It's not like Valerie or Cheyenne would have wanted to hang out with me at the time. 

So I sort of just floated around.. I remember the popular kids hung out over by the backstops. 

Back then the really popular girls were Jessica, Haeli Z., Hannah E., Lisa B. and Genee M. (previously in the Jordan group mentioned earlier). Kayla S. really was the Queen Bee in middle school, she was so beautiful, confident and everybody loved her. She moved after middle school to Kamiakin and there was never really another Queen Bee from our class again.  There was a handful of popular guys, but when Peter Z. and Tyler F. after 7th it was easy to say that Sheldon B. was the King of popularity (bahaha). 

Having popularity in middle school was really all about confidence. I didn't have much until I started taking Paxil when I was finally diagnosed with depression. 

Once paxil kicked in, all my problems in middle school seemed to fall off my shoulders! I wasn't used to it. Being happy for the first time. I'd spend most of my spare time with Katharine and we'd come up with the most crazy, hilarious stuff-- songs, pictures, anecdotes, impressions.. whatever. We had an incredible amount of fun that Spring and Summer, regardless of the head injury situation. 

I just remember sitting in Zorn's class and he called on me to read the super boring, bland Social Studies textbook. I just started taking Paxil that week and I started reading the text in a weird accent and laughing my ass off. I didn't even care if nobody else was laughing, nobody was even really paying attention to the text and it was the end of the year.. Nobody else wanted to read, so I just kept reading because he kept telling me to read and I really remember it being the first time I ever felt happy. 

..but I think..

..At that very moment...

I stopped caring so much what my class thought of me, and I'd sort of given up. I was ready for highschool and something new. 

Overall: 

Sports:

Ha ha, I talk about bragging about sports earlier but I wasn't really a star athlete. I kicked a kid in the balls once, I was so embarrassed and kept on saying "I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!" about 40 times. I look back on it and laugh though, I was a pretty wreckless sweeper but I wasn't bad. Mr. C (Scott's Dad) had played me quite a bit. 

Love:

I had a big crush on Scott for years and years and probably drove him completely apeshit. I used to give him notes and crap, it's really humiliating to think about that too. See, these are all LEARNING experiences. I also liked Matt M. who has always been really rude to everyone, don't really see what the point of that was. He's always been really pretty though; kind of like Tyler F. or a lot of other half Mexican guys that I've seen. 

Clothes/Looks:

I had really cared what people thought of me in middle school. I'd try to impress people by wearing tanning lotion and stupid polo shirts and other preppy garb my mom would tell me looks cute (it probably WAS cute clothes, but when you're slumping and having a bad attitude I probably would have been better off dressing dark, would have made more sense at least and I wouldn't have looked and felt like as much of a poser) 

I did start experimenting with eye makeup my 8th grade year though, and a lot of it was horrifically smudgey but hey, I was trying. Also started the side part bangs look this year instead of the straight across look that didn't do my face any favors as much as I had wanted it too.

Academics: 

I have never been fantastic at math, it never came easy to me or made much sense until I had it with Dickman my 7th grade year. He taught me so much and helped me get the confidence that I'd lost after taking it with Thomas in 6th with all the kids that are GOOD at math. Anyway, 8th grade I had math with the average kids in Harris's math class. 

Harris was known for being a ridiculous grader but he had to follow a strict government protocol for 8th grade that made him out to be the bad guy a lot. Though I think I only got a C- or so in his class, I worked my ass off and respect him a lot as a teacher and he helped me more than a lot of math teachers have as well.

I learned a LOT in Price's 8th grade science class because we had to do really boring book-and-worksheet activities IN class. That was Price's last year after some shit hit the fan and I never saw him again. I don't think he DISliked me necessarily but he did report me to the office a lot for my bad outfit choices. At the time low rider jeans and short cut shirts were in so I had a really hard time with my butt crack or underwear sticking out, super lowriders is NOT a good cut for any girl with a booty. 

I think my BEST class in 8th grade was Mrs. Hartill, then "Valdez" after she got married during our school year. She's was a very cute, sweet, YOUNG teacher at the time. I mean fresh out of college, probably only 23. She taught us so well, even if she was a little nutty at the time with her very intense lesson plans.

For instance, we had this enormous creative writing portfolio that we were doing at the end of the year. I wrote a 60 page book about this kid on the Titanic, it was intense. I can't really remember what happened but I used this BIG, thick Non-fiction book I'd found in the library and read it cover to cover recapping the events of the titanic before I wrote the story for historical accuracy. 

I got a D- in Herman's 7th grade because I f*cking hated Ray Bradbury and Sci-fi but here I am writing a book the next year using REAL information and getting a total A, who would have thought. That Titanic book paved the way for many years of non-fiction reading about other miserably depressing but fascinating events, crimes and cold cases. 

Alright that's all for now! Doing 13 tomorrow, oh jeez into the awkward stage. I'm going to have to stop at 12 though, it would be nearly impossible for me to clearly and accurately recap my childhood... I suppose I could try. My mind such a vault for all these memories that probably don't mean much but the least I can do is write them down if I ever want to reflect later while I still can. 

peace. 

Obviously, he had so much power and I had NONE. [Project year timeline, age 15]

Let it be known that this August has been the longest month of my life.

Literally, I've been counting down the days since the Orientation at central on the 1st. It SUCKED to wait this long, and I've still got 12 days! Still, fun to think I'll be turning the page this upcoming September today, how exciting is that.

I didn't accomplish my goal this month of studying accounting every day, but I did study a few solid hours this month and read the first about half of the textbook. It was a good enough review that I think if I were to just pick it up a couple more times before the class I'll be more than ready to ace it.

I've gotten a bit better at the guitar these last couple weeks (more than usual) because I finally got my hand positioning completely correct. Now that this is done my risk of carpel tunnel is alleviated because I'm more relaxed in my playing, it's a really big accomplishment! It's Week 21, week 22 is my last week with Jacob but I intend to continue my practice logs to map out exactly how many hours I've done. I'll have to buy an awesome piece of music equipment once I hit 1,000 hours. Maybe even a new guitar.

___________________________________

Project Year Timeline

Age 15, 2006-2007

The Year that Broke my Initial Spirit

That picture was taken by a professional photographer so it's not the most accurate representation of who I really was back then. Maybe this is better...

Okay those are crumbles of cookies with green frosting which we left on Les's porch. Why? I don't know? Notice that I look pretty psychotic. I genuinely was pretty crazy, but it was the first time in my life that I was happy and I wasn't used to it.

Summer before freshman year... I had pretty bad depression in middle school, for MANY reasons which I will explain to you in the next entries for that age. My mom had started me on Paxil for depression just a few months earlier, and it certainly worked. For the first time in my life I wasn't depressed and angry.

I was dating Toren S. that summer. Katharine was dating RJ so we'd spend a lot of time down at the skate park with the "BSK" group. Ever since then I call us the skate park groupies, because that's what it was like. Neither one of us could skate (Though I did try, of course, and failed miserably) so we'd just go there to hang out and goof off.

The BSK group was probably stoned all the time and that's why they acted so goofy and crazy. Katharine and I never were though, and we'd pretty much just feed of their craziness to get the proper vibes to come up with our own inside jokes. Damien C. was funny as Hell; they all were. They seemed like the right people to be hanging out with at the time. I felt like a cool 70's kid taking buses from skatepark to skatepark with no money and all the time in the world. 

I started to think I was rather cute, so my confidence was in the sky when I started highschool. I had Katharine, my boyfriend Toren, everything was going to be okay.

Of course things were NOT okay rather quickly. Toren and my relationship didn't translate well into highschool. Toren was just as crazy as he was during the summer. He was extremely loud and would wear pigtails to assemblies. This one time it embarrassed me and I politely asked him to take them out and he snapped back that he'll do whatever the Hell he wants. We broke up shortly after.

I think I originally broke up with him because of his "pot smoking," even if I had no idea what it was at the time. I'm pretty sure I just wanted an excuse to break up with him before he got to me, but the depression that the breakup caused spiraled rather quickly. I was sad about Toren for a few months, I think I really loved him back-- I mean my brain now is so different that I can't even say it counted as love but for young teenage love, yes it was pretty genuine. 

Because of Paxil I would act really loud and crazy too, but I really don't think it was just for attention. I think I just did it because I wanted to have fun, but once the relationship with Toren was over I quieted down quite a bit.

When I first started highschool I didn't fit anywhere. Like I said before in my previous entries, my class and I never got along so I figured Katharine would have a spot for me. She did, she managed to make it okay that I sat at the Mormon table but I said something really offensive and got booted. 

Katharine and my friendship during freshman year was really short lived. Things were fine originally, we'd joke around at soccer practices, sit next to eachother on bus rides, etc etc... But as time went on she became more and more cold toward me. I didn't know why, I figure I was just acting like myself and she was used to it; little did I know I was probably doing things every day she was keeping track of because months later when I tried to rekindle our friendship she gave me a big long list of all the things I'd done wrong.

Anyway... We'd been on the bus, it was a long ride home from Cle Elum or something and I was next to Katharine. Katharine had been talking on the phone with RJ since we'd left and didn't care to hear it so I looked for another seat. Haley M. and I had just met a few days earlier, she was a junior and had a lot of seniority on the team because she was really good and I was attracted to that. Well, that and I didn't want to listen to Katharine's sweet nothings on the phone anymore, so I moved.

My mom always hated this picture because she says we look like lesbians. This was taken before a football game in my basement. 

Haley and I got pretty close quickly. She was an open minded person-- she had a lot of cool afterlife theories, zodiac books... She was just an all around fascinating person and she was always pretty nice to me. At the time she was dating Indy, and I thought he'd be jealous of all the time Haley and I were spending together. After actually dating Indy myself, though, I realize he really didn't give a damn either way. 

So this friendship with Haley progressed during September where we'd walk over to Indy's and hang out there, hang out at her place or mine; I didn't really think there were any problems. Unfortunately Katharine got pretty jealous of this new friendship Haley and I had, and on top of the other vices that she had against me, decided this was enough of a reason to attempt to destroy my reputation. 

The shit really hit the fan Halloween night. Katharine and I had made a new tradition (that we'd started my 8th grade year) that we'd spend Halloween together, act crazy and give out candy. She came over and everything was alright for the first couple hours or so until Indy and Haley unexpectedly showed up. 

I think Indy actually had to talk to my mom about something, like he wanted to visit, but of course once Haley was at the door I was more than happy to make our halloween party four people. When Haley and Indy didn't leave Katharine started to get really quiet and bailed. Me being naive, I didn't think about it and really thought she had to go somewhere. I stuck with Haley the rest of the evening until she went back to Indy's.

That night I went on MySpace and Katharine posted a blog entry that talked about her disgust with me. She mentioned that I was "spending time with Haley, who knows what they're doing... gross!" Or something like that, implying that I was gay and that everyone needs to know what this new friendship REALLY is. Celeste P. had commented, who was pretty popular in highschool and known for having a bit of a big mouth; no offense Celeste-- again this is when we were 15, 16 years old so it's not like any of this implies today. 

Katharine took down the blog when I called her house asking why the HELL she would post something like that. She was pretty quiet, she ended up taking it down but this was just the beginning of the rumor mill saying I was gay. It didn't bother me as much as it bothered my mom. 

I didn't dodge the "Easy freshman" entirely, but my situation was more complicated then just hooking up with guys at parties or something. I was in a full out mind game with Tony L., he'd call my phone almost every night and we'd talk on the phone for hours. It was the weirdest ass thing I'd ever experienced, I had no idea why he was talking to me, I KNEW we weren't actually going to date... Mainly because he had a girlfriend and he was way out of my league. He pretty much stated this. I'll never forget when he said...

"Emily you're hot, but not really right now because you're so young... You'll be hot when you're like 18 years old." 

I appreciate this compliment a lot, I was coming out of an awkward stage my freshman year. I just really didn't understand why he'd be talking to me, but I went with it. 

Things got REALLY bad with Tony, however, when he ditched talking to me to go for Ainhoa, the foriegn exchanged girl. At the time I was actually hanging out with Heather E.'s group, which Ainhoa was a part of. Ainhoa was on my soccer team too so we knew eachother rather well when I told her that "Tony is a player." BAD!!! BAD idea! Should not have done that, in a matter of hours the entire school felt like they were gunning for me. Maria E. told me what was about to come and it scared the shit out of me. 

Tony called, "WHAT were you thinking. Why the FUCK would you say that. You're the one that made that mock myspace account didn't you?! Just to talk shit!!" There was some mock myspace account that someone created that was saying Tony was a player, this was NOT me. Of course I didn't want to create waves with Tony, I was really intimidated by him (obviously, he had so much power and I had NONE. Nothing, I was 15 for god sake and had just lost my best friend). 

Ironically enough, I ended up dating Chino, Tony's cousin for about six months. My relationship with Chino was pretty bizarre, he was nineteen years old and didn't really know what to make of me. I was still sort of crazy because of my influence from Toren but he really just took me as I was. Chino was really attracted to me physically and didn't seem to care much for my other weirdness. He didn't really get my sense of humor but we did have some good times...

Chino was freaking loaded, all the time. I have no idea where he got his money but he used to shower me in dates and gifts... He'd shower himself in gifts too, I'd never seen anyone who wore more Buckle and Ed Hardy style stuff (this was before Ed Hardy was big, but he dressed so perfectly.) My mom loved Chino, she liked having him around because he was the type of guy SHE would have dated and liked me being with him. Dad wasn't so fond of it though because he thought Chino and I were gonna end up getting too serious. Nooo way, my brain back then was so loopy there's no way I would have taken anything too seriously; with Chino I was just along for the ride. 

Freshman year was also a year of a lot of failure in attempt at being school spirited. I tried a lot of things, I tried being class treasurer and had to come before a group of leadership Mormons that probably thought I was the anti-Christ for my crazy behavior and short shorts, needless to say I didn't get the spot. The Mormon girls also didn't like me because I had hung out with Evan B., this totally hot, picture perfect Christian whose family did NOT like me that I met at Freshman orientation. 

Basketball season was a nightmare. I was originally on C squad which was fun because I got a lot of playing time but when the school cut the program I was stuck on a large JV team... The coach benched me for entire games, it broke my heart because I loved basketball and thought it was my best sport. Of course I was on a team with Jessica Small who even if it was her first year playing got all the playing time. She was tall, and probably in all fairness a better player than I was. This was the start of a long chain of Jessica S. senselessly beating me in practically everything. I hated her. 

After the awful basketball season I tried out for cheerleading for the following year. Jessica tried out too. We got our results delivered to my English class (with Sterns, she liked me a lot). This was very embarrassing because there were three of us-- Jessica, Kim and I, that all openned them up to see if we made it. Jessica starts screaming and jumping up and down, "OMG I MADE IT!!!" I look down, I didn't. I sat quietly for everyone to leave before breaking down to Mrs. Sterns. Sterns told me, "Why the Hell do you want to be a cheerleader anyway, that's not you." She couldn't have been more right. 

After that though, I was like F*ck Ki-Be spirit, I hate it here. 

I wanted to quit. Everything. I wanted to die. I'd come home and scratch big gashes into my thighs until they bled. I'd scream and cry into my pillow and wish things would change. Luckily my wish came true, here I am 20 years old looking beautiful, successfully have my first college degree and shred the f*ck out of a guitar. It's taken so much pain to get where I am today. 

Again, I should have probably just changed schools. I should have just gone to Hanford or something and things would have probably been a lot easier but I'm happy to have lived through these experiences because it's made me a more well rounded person in the long run. 

In all this, at least I wasn't completely alone. For most of the year I had a place to sit for lunch because Heather took me in. I felt pretty fortunate of this.

Having Heather and her friends there made things a lot easier, it helped me blend in and feel I was part of some clique which is what I really needed at the time. 

The one good thing that happened freshman year was trying tennis. I was partners with Michaela and we barely won any games or had any coherence but at least I got to play all my matches and got some good playing experience for the following years. I ditched the partner game and decided to take up singles, Michaela was okay with it though because Chelsea E. had started playing. 

Well lets face it.... Freshman year was a BITCH. And this was actually an improvement from middle school. Tomorrow I'll do 14 and talk about 8th grade, the year I almost fell to my death. 

peace. 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things

It's 12:22 AM, Thursday is usually the day of the week I stay up latest.

My evening shift was pretty lame, all the menial activities that I feel sum up to nothing. It's so boring to work day in and day out, and the manager's jobs are not much better. Actually most of their job is looking for stuff for us to do, at least it seems that way. Leslie runs around like she's super busy for eight hours straight and I see her constantly, but my other managers tend to disappear for long spans of time and I have no idea what they're up too. I don't really care.

I'm just happy that my shifts worked out for me the way that they did. I've never had to work with Jay, my manager, for an entire shift. I would absolutely hate to have him breathing down my neck, tensions are always higher when he's around and I am ultra professional. Well, I usually am. A guy said I sounded like an automated phone service today. That's the goal with corporate, "With us, it's personal" gets too personal when the cashiers make friends with every customer that comes in. I recognize some people, many customers enjoy seeing me because those that come in every day see mainly see Claudia. Claudia is Jay's ideal dedicated employee.

She takes her job so freaking seriously. She told me today that she found a $50 bill by the register on the ground by the candy and actually LOGGED it into the register. No comment.

Again, Noh mask. Just gotta get through this. Smile and nod.

There's a song called "Different World" that really spoke to me today.

Don't wanna be here 

Somewhere I'd rather be 
But when I get there 
I'm afraid it's not for me 

That's really it. I don't want to be at Rite Aid today, I'd rather be home playing because that's all I want to do lately. 

Tell me what you can hear 

and then tell me what you see 

everybody has a different way to view the world 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things 

To appreciate this life, it's not too late to learn 

I need to appreciate the little things of what I'm experiencing here. I have to take things day by day and learn from them. I get frustrated with this job and these people but I will never work at Rite Aid again in my life. I am going to count out how many shifts I have left....

11

Eleven shifts, oh my God! That is so awesome, 11 more shifts cashiering. Ugh, never again. I swear if this guitar gig works out I'll always have a backup plan if I don't have a job. I will never cashier again.

But I still do try and appreciate the little things that I do at my boring day job. I try to be friendly and professional to the customers that come in. I oftentimes get flirted with which is pretty awkward. Like today this guy asked me if I wanted to go to a Kiss concert with him, it was bizarre. 

I talked to Peter Z. for the first time in forever. Occasionally I like to catch up with him just to see what he's been up too. He recently moved to WSU so I'm very excited for him. He had a crazy ride with the rave scene but now he's totally straightened up and ready to go on with his life. I think it's awesome, he's going to do really well. I'm happy he never got sent to prison or anything. I always feel some weird nostalgic connection with him because he was my first childhood crush, ha ha. 

I should probably get to bed so my day isn't completely destroyed tomorrow. Got all my minutes today, that's strange for a Thursday. 

Oh! I'm excited because I'm hanging out with Tyler D. tomorrow for the last time before I leave. We're going to have a lot of fun, he says he's going go come pick me up after work and we're gonna swim at the apartment complex and play video games or something. Should be a good day.

peace.