Last night run turned nightmare.

Evening.

Today's September 1st, the Monday of labor day weekend. Every year of school I recall this being the 3 day weekend to follow the first week of school or the last day of summer.. In both cases it was usually kind of a melancholy feeling knowing I was about to enter another arduous year of having to spend 8 hours a day at Ki-Be surrounded mostly by people I never felt comfortable around.

Luckily now that I'm in college I look forward to Fall, it's my favorite season. This fall is going to be unlike any other in the past 18 years of my life because I'm not going to be going to school full time but instead working and keeping my brain active by taking an online accounting class. The fact that it's not going to be frying hot out anymore is more than welcome, especially now that I'm not going to take any more night runs.

Okay what you're looking at is actually a picture of a picture on my phone of my leg after an accident while out running last night.
 ...because I am too lazy to log-out of this account to log into my gmail.. stupid Google accounts. 

This is what happened:

I was up by Maeleena's house and there was a creepy car parked idling on my side of the street. I didn't want to run passed either side of the car on the sidewalk and decided to just run on the other side of the street. On the other side there is no sidewalk and not wanting to ride on the side of the road I decided to run on the land by the curb, assuming it was part of someone's yard.

I'm sure it was because my leg suddenly dropped into a 2 foot deep hole full of goathead plants. Shocked, I quickly pulled my leg out of the hole, feeling my other knee dragging against the ground. I got up and looked down and not only saw my leg bleeding but also some little bundles of bristles stuck to my shoes and other knee.

How this looks now, after cleaning and adding Neosporin to reduce the pain this morning. 

You can clearly see how my other knee was used to pull myself out of the hole because it also shows having been irritated by the poison in the thorns of the goatheads. 

For those of you that aren't from the desert, these are what these nasty little bastards look like. They grow in green weeds that grow in bunches on the ground and require very little water to thrive. So just imagine a 2 foot hole full of these plants and that's what I fell in last night. It was not a pleasant experience. 

My mom said it was bound to happen because running in the dark I'm just asking for problems. I know she's right but all August I was doing it anyway because it would always be too hot and muggy during the day-- that and it was always the last thing I wanted to do before bed to avoid late night calories. Unfortunately the exercising itself caused me to be so hungry when I arrived home that I'd normally eat too much anyway! 

This fall I'm going to really work on having a healthier lifestyle and getting in better shape instead of just trying to maintain my current shape. Jared and I got together the other night and he actually managed to make me feel like shit about my body because he's obviously into girls that are obsessed with their physique. Like he always "likes" female bodybuilding models on facebook and never even compliments my looks or body. That and he's so obsessed with his own physique and fitness that he makes me feel lazy or that I'm not doing enough even if I run 3 miles a day 5 days a week. 

I wish I could afford a damn gym membership but I can't right now so I'm just doing what I can. But seeing him reminded me that I should be doing more. The more he talked about working out and showing me pictures of girls with perfect bodies (like not just perfect washboard abs and muscles but ALSO big butt and/or boobs... like how do you know those aren't just implants?) the more insecure I felt and wondered if he was even attracted to me at all or if I'm secondary in his eyes to these girls? 

Another thing that bothered me is that he acted like I was somehow hindering on his time. Like he made it very clear to me numerous times that I had to leave early in the morning because he had to buy military gear and that was the main reason he was here. Not that he was happy to see me after 2 weeks of zero communication, but more that he was doing me a favor by seeing me. 

Yeah if that's the case don't do me any f*cking favors, lol. I realize if I continue to pursue this it will only lead to pain and disappointment because he doesn't seem to care about me at all. In fact after the vibe I got during our last visit I almost doubt we'll even talk again. As a little experiment to see if I'm right and he'd welcome the chance to no longer talk to me I will not text him from this day forward unless he sends me a text or Snapchat first. If he does my perception might have been distorted by my own insecurities during this last visit. 

I just don't know or really care right now, whatever happens happens. I've gotten to know myself well enough to not let some guy's standards modify who I think I should be.

peace. 

Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

Since arriving here, my dating pool has shrunk...My honest standards of attractiveness.

I don't think about love very often. When I do it's typically when I'm stuck walking alone, not playing my guitar and without my head in a book...

When I do though I must write about it, otherwise it sits like a bad taste in my mind and disturbs anything else I'm trying to accomplish. I sometimes wonder how long it could possibly be like this.

Cheers. Here I am today, 11:55 am looking a little winded after walking back from the library. 

I studied there for an hour and a half. 

It's not like I don't know I'm beautiful, as lame as that sounds to say. I used to be insecure about my looks because I thought that was one of the main problems but over the past couple years I've come to realize that looks isn't it at all. I don't let my body become an excuse either, as I work out nearly every day and I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been right now. So looks in itself is not the problem, if I met a guy that I was attracted too I feel I'd have a pretty good shot at it, even if he's a "Tyler F." (bah haha, that's kind of a joke, Tyler F. was this guy I crushed on all through elementary and middle school and I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to get him. In reality, it probably more had to do with my incredibly insecure behavior and social awkwardness at that age)

It's also not like I don't have guys that are attracted to me. I get lots of comments from admirers on facebook, not like this is something to brag about, guys comment tons of pictures saying girls are hot, but I've honestly had a lot of people tell me they think I'm "Beautiful" so I'm willing to start believing it, so I know that guys DO like me and would want to date me if they had the opportunity.

The fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years more has to do with MY choices, almost all of which were bad ones (but hey you learn from your mistakes). My main problem is that I'm not attracted to many guys so when I do find one that I'm attracted to I'm willing to push aside ALLLLLL of the things that bother me. Suppress the bad, try to think about the good. It never works, I end up finding these faults that bother me and cut things off.

I know what it feels like to be satisfied in a relationship because I have briefly a couple times in my life. Thinking way back to when I was sixteen, Connor and I clicked and had a pretty good run. He was obsessed with something I didn't understand at the time so that ended up driving us apart.

But the time that we actually spent together was pretty good-- we'd hold hands in public (DUN-DUN-DUN!!!), he didn't mind bringing me around people (I actually met a lot of people because of Connor), didn't act like I was an inconvenience to him and actually LIKED having me around. We'd have good conversations. I have not had any kind of relationship like this in five years now.

Which is why I'm so numb. Why I don't have faith in anything and just live each day for the absolute fullest alone because that's all I've got. Because I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong because it is always sort of a void that lingers there and bothers me from time to time. Love should be important to everyone but for me it's an inconvenience at this point in my life.

Because I look around here and there's nobody. Not one guy-- except for Jason, but I initially wasn't even that attracted to him and he had to grow on me with his intelligence before I found him sexy in the slightest, that I've seen that was particularly attractive and thought, "Hey, I would LOVE to go out of my way to talk to that guy and perhaps hopefully start texting." The thought has not even crossed my mind. I don't think this makes me a shallow person, it's just nobody wants to be with someone they're not attracted to and it's really hard for me to find someone that I would want to be with for that reason.

You might think, how is that even possible? To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did. I am going to try to create, right here and now, where my definition of attractive seems to lay...

My Honest Standards

of Attractiveness

Disclaimer: Personality is the absolute most important factor to ever consider when you're deciding if you want to be with someone. I would never be with an idiot, stupidity makes people extremely UNattractive, yet another reason why it's hard for me to find someone even relatively close to what I'd find ideal in a man.

1. Must be 5'7 or taller. 

And if they are 5'7 need to be pretty good looking for me to even consider it. I like taller guys, period. There's not very many of these around here, in fact I've never seen more short guys in one place than I've seen at Central this year. (short= as tall or shorter than me) 

2. Must not be fat or badly out of shape.

I'm not attracted to fat guys at all, period. I take extremely good care of my body and would expect whoever was dating to have the discipline to work out on his own, it shows that he actually cares about his physique too. It seems like so many guys just plop themselves in front of the couch all day playing video games and their body and features become doughy and ugly. 

3. I prefer brown or black hair. 

I've only been completely attracted to one blonde, that guy I met that one time at the Toyota Arena. He was GORGEOUS, I was so disappointed when we never talked again. So some blondes are okay, but generally speaking I like dark hair.

4. Slender facial features

Nice jaw line is always a plus. 

Period. Everything else is personality and intelligence.

just a couple examples that fall within this range....

Here's a picture of a guy that I would think is extremely attractive.

Again I'm not saying he'd HAVE to look like this, it's just always been hard for me to pinpoint what I like because I like so few. 

Jay, the only guy I was really attracted to from the tri cities for the past two years or so. Notice he has all of the features listed above. I thought there'd be more Jay's in college but there's definitely not around here.

Knowing my own standards has made it dawn on me that there's a good chance I could be alone for a very long time. I refuse to fall below my standards because I don't want to be with someone that I'm not physically attracted to at all. It's really frustrating in a way and has been a major disappointment about coming to Central. I'm not saying I was expecting to have met someone by now but I was expecting to at least see ONE guy aside from Jason that I thought was.... well, hot. 

Maybe after graduation if I'm still single I'll move down to California. ....Yuck. 

peace.