The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

I needed someone to feed

MIA came out with a new album November 1st, I just did my first Tiffany Rothe workout video in a long time to this.

I think I need to download more workout videos and start going to the gym because I think my body has gotten completely used to these workouts and they are not bringing me the same results they once did. I've heard that can happen. 

Nooo economics reading! This was this morning when I was studying for a money and banking test.

I have had a really good few days. I feel like having Marshall has put me in overall better spirits, and his mischievousness is a low price to pay for how wonderful it's been to have him around. Just like any other kitten he loves to play.. Like right now he's jumping through the arm holes of my backpack and making me laugh my ass off. Marshall also learned how to climb the stairs which was a proud accomplishment.

Let's see, what else. Well my Money and Banking test today went alright I think. This morning I met up with Randy on a bench in Shaw to study the notes. I crammed them really hard for every second of 40 minutes I could get in that he was there. Like I stood outside the door and looked at that packet of questions until 9:59 am (class starts at 10, lol...).

It was funny because the frantic Mexican girl that's always late and wears cute clothes came up doing the exact same thing with her packet. Granted I did not prepare for this as well as I could have... The reading was just painfully boring in two of the three chapters and I would find myself fighting to not fall asleep while reading them. I mean they were okay... I don't know, it's all relevant so I need to keep as positive of an outlook as possible. 

I'm really excited for tomorrow because I should be meeting with my adviser to figure out what classes I'm taking next quarter. He asked me about it yesterday and was like "Emily do you know what you're registering for next quarter? You're the only one of my advisees that hasn't talked to me about it yet.." And I'm like "Uhhhm nope!"

Guitar went well today. I'm getting into the really difficult, intricate solo parts of master of puppets and there are communication issues via skype. Jake is going to make me a video and upload it to Youtube instead with exact instructions. He's the best teacher ever what can I say.

peace. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace. 

I give myself permission to be useless on friday evenings

Hey all, it's 6:47 pm on a Friday...

I'm wondering what I should do tonight. I just texted Allie and hopefully I can get some sort of plan together. I'm going to put on another layer of that nice smelling tanning lotion. It actually works surprisingly well, and hasn't been all streaky and ridiculous looking. I'm sure the reason it used to look that way is because I was doing it poorly when I was in middle school and highschool, ha ha that and sports made me all sweaty so it would get all messed up.

Lol the last few days I've just been messing with Terry via text. I've discovered that our relationship is like mush, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere yet nothing's changed since we were initially into eachother at the beginning of this quarter. So that's been nice, really drama free for the most part... I mean most of the time we spent together we spent studying.

This morning I skipped economics because I felt unmotivated after spilling coffee all over my legs. Soo I fixed myself some more coffee, read my econ book for like 45 minutes then went to Stats. I felt like it was pretty lame of me to get up, get ready and skip class but it felt pretty worth it after it was over.

lab today went well! I barely needed any help, but when I reached some snags the redheaded girl that sits in front of me helped me out a lot. Yayy!!! And Sipic told us today that he has basically uploaded a format of EVERY. FREAKING. CONCEPT. that's going to be on the test. There is NO excuse for me not to knock this one out of the park and get a high grade in that class. And he did get my email by the way, but he told me he's been really busy. It seems like a lot of other students are hitting him up to be their adviser too.

He reminds me of Snape, like he made this poor lady feel like such an ass today for being out of line. It was like 11:15 or so in the computer lab and this probably 40-some year old lady (offf course...) comes marching in to get her papers out of the printer. 

"What are you doing?"-Sipic

"Oh I'm just printing some stuff from my other class!"-Knitted hat lady wearing rain coat

"We're have a class, I suggest get out of here as soon as possible"

Love it.

Well I was hoping Allie and I would go out tonight but she's going away this weekend. Damn it, like I said I'd really like to do something... I just wish I had other girls that I'd want to spend time with here. There's this one girl named Dominique in my speech class that seems really smart. She's cute and pretty clever too, and she hates that class as much as I do.I tried adding her on facebook yesterday.

Alright well, guitar time. I want more freaking episodes of intervention but I'm still broke til tomorrow. blagh why is my taste in shows so limited.

Maybe I'll write more later. If something comes up probably not, either way I'll tell you what ends up going on tonight. I'm curious myself. Will this be an interesting memorial day weekend? Or will I just be getting more work done to preoccupy myself? We shall see

peace. 

this lonely girl wants to go home, lol.

Today's been a good day for the most part.

Granted I didn't study economics or stats outside of class today... So I'll have to do that after I finish this blog for sure. I've been putting it off because I've needed to talk to someone but haven't been able to get through to my parents. Tonight I called Ashley briefly but the line kept cutting out so she could barely hear me. I'm getting sick of this apartment for that reason alone.

Me and Jack just aren't talking now because he hasn't responded to me or let me know why he's not responding to me for about two weeks now so like evvvvvery other time of course I texted him about it. The 4 year cycle continues.

There's nothing anyone can do to bring me down right now, I refuse to let anyone's actions toward me have any effect on that anymore. I have everything I need now except for friends in Ellensburg, unfortunately.

I mean I guess I know people here. I've certainly had many interesting conversations on the fly and asking them questions, but I rarely actually hang out with people I meet here. I met this really cool guy named Daniel M. that's in a couple of my classes that I was really hoping to hang out with (we did once and it was totally chill) but his best friend acted really cold toward me and all of a sudden he didn't want to be my friend anymore.

His friend is Sasa who's been sitting next to me in econ all quarter but I didn't talk to him until today on facebook. He's surprisingly a lot nicer than I expected, like he has a way of acting really passive toward people but once I got to talking to him I hope that we can be friends. 

I just wish I had more people that I could call up and chill with. I don't feel like I have much of that here. I definitely don't blame it on my location, though. Because I realize now that it'd be like this wherever I went. My independent nature keeps me happy this way but it also makes me sometimes feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things.... but if I spent my nights hanging out at people's house's drinking, kicking it or playing video games all year I wouldn't be half as good on guitar as I am now. I sacrificed even attempting to have a social life at the beginning of the year because of it but it's gradually gotten better. Meeting people in business classes where you never say boo to anyone can be a challenge. 

Sipic and I talked on the way out of class today and he asked me what major I was doing and whether or not I'd registered for my classes. I'm like uhh not quite yet (note that registration started today) and he's like, "Welllllll you better get on that then" in his accent (ugh, lol he laughed today when we were talking too it was awesome). I told him that I'd had a basic idea but that I didn't know for sure yet.

Later this evening I tried registering for my classes and it wouldn't let me on. I sent Sipic a message about this and he sent me a super prompt reply on what he thinks I should do. Ha ha I'm taking his public finance class in the fall, really excited to be taking another one of his classes. That's two of three professors that I'll be taking again next quarter but honestly this has been my best quarter academically yet and if it's not broke don't screw it up.

Anyway he basically informed me that I'll be able to have some of my credits double-counted and only have to take one additional class to get a minor in economics. Cool!! 

peace. 

Good luck came to me!! My new business!

Hmm, my sleeping schedule is currently a little out of balance. A couple days ago Abe and I hung out and we stayed up really late and since then I've been drinking coffee in the late afternoon and even took a nap today. I feel like it will benefit me tonight when I start studying.

My guitar practicing is done. I did a solid hour and a half, 40 minutes of which was on guitar pro itself because things have gotten a bit more serious since I've last written.

I am now a teacher!!!

You guys might remember when I wanted to have my own guitar teaching business here at school and felt discouraged and gave it up by my birthday after not getting any response to my flyers and had fixed up all the supplies (manila folders, handouts, etc...) and they had just been sitting there for the past few months. Yesterday I met up with Bruce and asked if he wanted to have his first guitar lesson. Bam, not only does he get his first free lesson but his friend checked out his status and I was able to give him the free introductory lesson as well. I think there is a good chance they will continue to be students with me. 

This is Hassan. He is a Saudi Arabian. I had watched a documentary about Saudi Arabia recently and I told him at first that I did not know about the country (which I really did think before I'd remembered I'd watched the documentary). Then I remembered that Saudi Arabia controls a great amount of oil in the world, they're a very rich country, and that many woman are Muslim and choose to wear the niqab and/or abaya. Apparently this was enough to impress someone of their knowledge of Saudi Arabia, even though I had not even known the people there speak Arabic. 

Anyway he's going to be a great student, he listened very carefully to everything I had to say, put in really good effort with alternate picking, and he even texted me a question today so he's practicing. I am also giving my friend Bruce lessons but he will not be able to obtain his guitar until this Wednesday. Once he starts I have a very high amount of confidence that he's going to excel on the guitar as well. 

Alright I have homework to do.. it's getting late and I haven't done any. 

peace. 

It's no longer a distraction, it's what I truly love.

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm still feeling kind of sad this evening, unfortunately. I want these feelings to go away.. I want to forget about Jed, forget that this whole thing happened. I of course feel like I was in a much better position BEFORE Jed entered my life because back then I hadn't found anyone that I was particularly interested in. I felt like that crush on Jed opened a pandora's box of emotions that I now have to deal with now that he's gone.... 

Last night at around 9 when I was actually feeling better about the situation I get a text. By then I'd deleted Jed from my contacts list as well as the threads that we had going back and forth because I've learned to get rid of reminders. He'd somehow resent me the same text that said "Hey uhm sorry but..." etc etc. The message that originally made my heart feel like it dropped into my gut. I immediately replied, "What the hell." Not because I didn't know it was a resend, but because I was frustrated that I got it. I think I still felt I had to get some things off my chest even if I didn't realize it at the time... He immediately replied "??" and I said "Nevermind you didn't mean to send that."

He didn't reply to said message until this morning, which he said "Send what?!" which... I don't even know, I think he shouldn't have texted me and let it go. I just told him it was just a random message that wasn't meant to be sent to me. He's like "Lol that alright no big deal." or something like that, I'm like "..Yeah..." then he replied "Lol." At this point I'm like, okay go away.... 

And note that this was after all the pain I'd dealt with last night and trying to deal with this in the most mature manner possible. I ended up getting angry that he was texting me at all and I said "Stop. I feel like you're taunting and it's pissing me off." or something along those lines. I don't really know what I meant. I just felt irritated that I was feeling these emotions again in the morning, I was of course crying by this point just for the  reason that I was talking to him and was reminded of the emotions I'd felt the previous night.

He's like "Wow this is the last time you will hear from me." This of course lead me to balling, I did not want things to end on that note at all. I just want to handle things maturely. I decided to just tell him the truth of how I felt about the situation. 

I told him in so many words, "Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you and I don't want things to be awkward between us if I do see you around campus or wherever. I've just been sad because I didn't expect you'd cut things off so suddenly because I really did like you..." I also briefly mentioned the other girl situation, and how I'd had a feeling he'd been talking to her for awhile in the first place and for that reason I wished we hadn't of gotten as close as we did.

He replied that basically he's really sorry for any pain he'd caused, and that we probably shouldn't have rushed like we did. He told me he hadn't been talking to that girl before but they were old friends so they met up at a party and hit it off. 

It's gonna take a lot of guitar to drown out this loneliness over the next week or so until I get back to my normal equilibrium of numbness. 

Sigh... I'm happy I know the truth now, and happy that I at least got a chance to state my case with him. 

Enough about that. Time to move on with my real life.

I figure I should just tell you guys now. I can't give you the details but I'm excited to say that I will be getting lessons again! I'm... not going to disclose who exactly, for certain reasons... Ugh, this person is so incredibly important in my life I would not want to somehow disclose this information and cause him to think I violated his trust. 

But yeah, everything is going to be alright. I think a lot of this panic has actually been attributed to not taking lessons. It's something I hold dear to me. I'm going to improve immensely as a guitarist over the next couple years because with my teacher being the level that he is the possibilities are endless. Thursday at 5:30 is going to be my new time to look forward too. 

So that's it! I'm going to start to get this anxiety under control. I've started to spend a bit more time actually hanging out with Kristin and periodically watching TV with her. It sort of relaxes me to not know what's going on in a television show. I'll just pop in when she's watching there, eat some food, go back to my room. Maybe chat about something totally irrelevant to school like what's going on the TV. It's really relaxing, I can see why people like to sit around and watch TV together... 

Though personally I've never been a fan. Especially now that I'm into music, sitting and watching TV for an extended period of time is unappealing because I'd rather practice. 

peace. 

No time for pity.

As somewhat expected nothing with Jessika ended up happening.

I texted her about it after work around 4, asking her if she still wanted to jam and she responded "Yes ma'am." I remember thinking, "Okay, good deal.." and responded asking her what time it would start. No response for awhile, then she told me that her friend had flaked. As in the guy she was telling me has been helping her out with the guitar and so eagerly wanted to me to meet a few weeks back. I then offered for just us to play, I mean why did we need this guy to jam together? She then told me that she was at her parents house and that she had no guitar there.

I then offered the resolution of bringing both my guitars. I mean I have an acoustic. She was the one that brought it up in the first place so I figured she'd appreciate the offer, but then she sort of snapped at me that she's "With her family doesn't doesn't want to ignore everyone" and that I'm the one who HAS to play guitar. Ugh. Again, she was the one who wanted to, so I just wanted to give her options outside of what she had intended. She really wanted me to jam with her a few weeks back, but only under the circumstance that some guy is there who is, according to Jessika, a pro at guitar and can "help us out." (I put this in quotes because this is what she said, not out of tone)

I'm not really seeking much help outside of what my current routine. My habits are getting worse, this week I didn't meet my 180 mark three times. :( Better do a little extra tonight and tomorrow.

Last night I hung out with Connor and we had a very nice time together. He's gotten really laid back around me, and we respect eachother to an extent. Like, we're both very stubborn people and we can both be such assholes to one another but we click very well. I don't know if there's any feelings there necessarily. We're physically attracted to eachother and have similar personality types, but actually dating again would be sort of silly and out of the question. He's got a lot going on and so do I, but he might actually be moving up to Bellingham at the same time I will be.

That's one thing about Connor though is you really don't know what he's up too. He sometimes seems like he's majorly talking out of his ass, but then he manages to ACTUALLY DO what he says he was going to do and has proof of it. He's not stupid, either. Regardless of having the appearance of being a rather lazy hippie with his dreadlocks and beanies, he's really intelligent and manipulative. We get along well, but I'm not sure how much time we'll be spending with eachother during the summer. By the sound of it, he's going to be travelling all over the place.

I'm sort of nervous about this summer. Not because I'm moving or anything but because I think about last summer and how lonely it seemed. Man, it's really been a year since the Guy Stevens fiasco. It was about this time last year that I was hanging out with Cory Bunn, Josh Fischer and that Ed guy. It was back then that I was packing those silly bento lunches for myself and trying to figure out some stupid identity for myself. It was all so fake. I'm happy I'm no longer like this. ANYWAY! Looking to the future now...

I'm assuming this summer I'll continue to just do my thing. But without much of a purpose on the weekdays, I'll have to either find more hours of work somewhere, or maybe just stay home and apply for a bunch of scholarships I don't know. Summers are tricky because it's a lot of time to consolidate. This is definitely going to be my last summer living in the tri cities, which is an interesting thought. I think I think about this kind of thing too often and shouldn't be so high strung.

I hope something magical happens this summer. I've been pretty patient. >:(

peace.