I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean

I decided early this evening that I'm getting out of my damn apartment tonight if my life depends on it. As you guys know my last few weekends in Ellensburg have been somewhat of a drag. This weekend will be different though. First I'm meeting my friend Daniel at 8:30 pm then meeting some other friends to play pool at the tav so it should be a fun night. 

Man I got ANOTHER shitty grade on my management homework! That's the third assignment in a row (the first being the paper that was 38/50 because I wrote it at the last damn minute, then my last discussion board assignment where I logged in so late I couldn't post a response and got 1/4 and this week I got the response but posted my first article an hour too late and got 2/4, shit!). Grr, I'm developing bad habits in that class because I've been kind of depressed and have been spending almost all of my time online uselessly. 

Tomorrow I'm going to get myself back on track to finish off strong in that class. I'm going to go to the library and bring a binder to compile all future assignments and figure out what I've gotta get done and when it's due so that I don't keep screwing up. It's not a hard class, management is important, and the only reason I've been doing bad is because I'm procrastinating and sleeping in too damn late! 

I'm drinking a lot of water and won't be drinking hard alcohol tonight at all, just a little beer, whatever. I just need to get out tonight. I feel this week has been rather useless but I'm going to make a solid effort to do better next week. That's all you can do, just move forward. A number of things made me sort of sad/frustrated this week that made it hard to focus, like Carl's suicide and this weird situation with Jake. Still no word from him yet. I know I need to call the shop but I'm nervous too because I'm afraid it's bad news. 

Clearly I've been doing a lot of avoidance which will not help me. 

Oh! Good news, I guess "reason to celebrate"....

  I got an A on second my econ midterm!!! 

This calls for another twerk gif. 

Goodnight guys. 

peace. 

Lets take a speed-a-light ride

I debated whether or not to keep the blog entry I posted last night up and it ironically caused me to stress out a little in bed last night. I said some things that I usually don't admit on my blog, but I figure those of you that read this know me well enough that not much I say should come as a surprise.

Today's been... long. I can definitely say that. I accomplished what I needed to do-- I finished my studying and felt confident enough going into the test this morning. I recorded a total of 10 hours on that exam. If I get above an 80 I'll be very happy with my score-- but yeah obviously final is out of the question. If I get above a 90 that could push my average up to just squeak into a B and I would actually have an option whether or not I want to take it. Granted this is not likely, that test today was hard.... and if I hadn't of thoroughly prepared I would have been in Hell this morning.

When I talked to Terry in Managerial today he said he couldn't even guess what he got. I said anywhere from a 73 (1 point higher than my lowest test, lmfao, because I KNOW I DID BETTER THAN THAT ONE...) to a 92. Give myself a huuuge range so I can't possibly get disappointed. I know it would sound crazy that someone could possibly spend 10 hours studying material and not know it like the back of your hand. It's not that easy... Reading a chapter of money and banking the first time through would take about 2 1/2-3 hours total because the material was so boring that it'd either knock me out half way through or my eyes would start glazing over what I was reading.

I have found that as you start to get the material more and more it gets more interesting. You get excited and accomplished feeling when you start to understand it but it's normally not until right before the test where I feel this kind of confidence. Then you move on from the material and forget about it. That's why taking finals is important (Sipic said this originally and I was like "mehhhh"), because you get a chance to refresh all of the information that might have not made sense before but now you can connect it with what you've learned later and it all comes together...

Managerial was pretty entertaining and stress free today.. I mean considering once again Terry and I spent the entire class writing bullsh*t notes to eachother. A couple times we cracked eachother up so bad that I literally couldn't help cracking up in class. Of course really nobody in class was paying attention, this being the last day of class and people still debating whether or not they want to take the final and Ghosh was all over the place today. Most of what he covered I already knew from my public finance class earlier in the quarter, and every time I'd try to pay attention what was going on in the lecture Terry would bother me and try to get me to play hangman with him or something.

I've actually grown to like Ghosh a lot more as the quarter has gone on because I have learned a ton from the material from his class and it was a great review from Stats but I hope he didn't somehow notice me goofing off in class. The past few weeks I've felt like the days that Terry and I have been there we've quietly acted like middle schoolers.

One of my goals over Christmas break is to actually improve my LinkedIn profile, figure out that website, and start applying for internships in Spokane. 

There's a part of me that's really sad I won't get a chance to see my adviser every other day next quarter because he's really good at keeping me on top of things.... like registering.. Had I been on the ball with that earlier I wouldn't have this impending threat of my public finance class dropping me. Really, really crossing my fingers I'll be able to get into Tennerelli's (probably spelt totally wrong) finance class instead of being stuck in two more very difficult econ classes next quarter and an online class that I would have much rather taken this prof in person.

Oh jeez if you guys have a weird sense of humor like me you're going to love this. Recent discovery that I wish I could show Katelynn because I know she'd love get it..... 

peace. 

Wellll I slept a lot today and....

Hello, evening everyone. It's about 8:30 pm.

After Money and banking today I came home and took a three and a half hour long nap... Not really what I'd planned for the day, like I dragged my big basket of laundry downstairs and had plans of taking care of that today but that didn't happen. When I woke up from my nap it was about 3:30 and I had to eat something and practice guitar before my lesson with Jacob. 

That went well, I'm excited to be making progress and moving forward with master of puppets. I've successfully accomplished the first 200 measures at around 95% (without palm muting, but because the concert isn't until Christmas I have quite a bit of time to hammer out this imperfection). One reason that skype sucks is because my camera can't usually catch my entire fretboard as well as picking hand so Jake can't critique them simultaneously as well as if we were in person. Also we can't play together because of the camera lag. Still, it was a good lesson. 

We're moving into a finger picked clean acoustic part that is basically a sequence of chords for a solid minute. It's one of my favorite riffs in the song so that's gonna be my project this week. I need to make a new practice sheet.

Tomorrow I have my public finance test which I am feeling so-so about at this point. Today I've only studied an hour, and I should really be getting more done especially when I've got plans to have fun tomorrow night. I saw Abe P. recently in Shaw and gave him a hug, he's always been so nice and cool towards me and I've really wanted a chance to hang out and catch up with him. We're hanging out tomorrow, yay! 

Tomorrow I am also meeting up with one of my classmates to go over this obnoxious article that I have to write a paper on the 15th for Managerial. Blegh the font is so tiny and there's so much jargon it makes me nauseous. I also need to re-read the chapters of my managerial book for my best next Thursday in that class. Not something too urgent now thankfully...

Yesterday I met with Sipic and got my policy analysis subject approved. That's been hanging over my head bad and I want to get it done on Sunday so I can stop thinking about it. Lol Sipic asked me how I liked my classes this quarter and I told him I liked them all but there's definitely a hierarchy of favorites... (yeah somehow I think I just wanted to say "you're" my favorite without actually saying it.... ha ha ha) 

After we made some small talk I stood out to walk out and he got up to open the door and he asked me if I'm going to the career fair thing. I just remember pausing there like a dumbass because he was standing like a foot away from my face..... then of course I have some stupid frantic answer 90 mph like "Well I still haven't figured out who's all gonna be there so you should tell me 'cause I don't know...." (Wtf? God damn it, ha ha ha.... I swear sometimes when I try to talk to him my intelligence and confidence is seriously impaired.) 

Lolll only for my faithful blog readers, here's how I'm looking tonight, insane. 

FLASH CARDS FLASH CARDS CLASH FARDS MOTHA F^%$#AAAAAA.... 

This doesn't leave this blog entry.

peace. 

Was finally able to get an opinion out of terry, it's a miracle! ha ha ha

I apologize if this is written really sloppily guys, I'm exausted beyond belief and I'm going to crash so hard when I finish writing this....

Today's been just a hard work day. I skipped speech class and pray we didn't happen to have that test today because I really needed that nap....

What's strange to me is that Central is having it's book buyback tomorrow which means I plan on selling back my speech and maybe economics depending on if I'm taking the final or not. I probably won't take it unless I got under an 85% on the exam today. I've done really well in that class overall and as long as I'm doing better than Terry I won't take it. I'm putting 100% effort into studying for my stats final right now... and feel as though I'm making little progress on it even if I read the material and do the practice problems again and again. It's just very difficult conceptually. When you are trying to learn stats concepts you feel like your brain is running on a treadmill backwards, it's just so different.

But like I said before, a really good grade on that final equals an A in the class and dropping that exam 4 grade.

So I did get a chance to sit down with Sipic and discuss my thoughts on switching from finance to economics. It didn't take much for him to convince me because I'd honestly made up my decision but he was able to whip up a new graduation plan for me in about 15 minutes. Turns out I could actually graduate at the end of next spring if I major in econ. He also told me that I should consider doing a double major (Economics and finance) because it would only take me two additional quarters (Summer and Fall).. I'm really thinking about doing that, I don't see why not.

I took my econ test this morning and I think I did pretty well. Terry and I met up at around 8 this morning to study for the exam. He didn't seem as solid on a lot of the content as I did but that's obviously because I had no life all weekend.... Anyway we had a really good study session. We had an interesting conversation monday night.

So I was finally able to get Terry to tell me what he thought of me... sort of.. We'd started this by me mentioning that I was starting to find of figure him out and he was like "oh yeah, prove it" you know so I started to list off some things.

I told him that he's "Driven, serious, and have high standards of success for yourself. You are closed emotionally. You're blunt and decisive." He said that was a pretty accurate analysis.

He told me that I am "Start and dedicated to school and your guitar, learning new things, you're kinda quirky but nice and like to do your own thing." I liked this description of me a lot.

Writing right now is painful, I have to go to sleep. night

peace.

When your brain hits the frantic button

I had the most ridiculously difficult statistics test today. I studied nearly 6 hours for it total, if not more... I felt like half that time was spent just reading the concepts over and over to just try to wrap my head around what the hell they were talking about. 

I felt like I was doing great on the test until the Sipic said "10 minutes" when I was on problem 16 out of 32. Need I say more?

New approach to finishing stats tests, and math tests in the future..... 

LOOK at the problem, read it. Read it AGAIN. 

Figure out what kind of problem it is.

Don't really look at answers.

Apply equation.

Check algebra. 

Instead I was doing... (*when I realized I was running out of time that is)

Read problem

Look at answers

Try to draw some conclusion and feel a little overwhelmed when the answer didn't stick right out at me (obviously)

Rewrite the f'ing information in the question...

Then find the equation.

Feel pressed for time.

Try to apply equation.

Feel like I'm wasting too much time.

Sloppily apply arithmetic.

Circle closest answer.

It was miserable!! Ha ha, though on the bright side I know I DID get some right answers just from studying the hell out of the material these past few days. I'm hoping that works as a buffer from completely failing the test because that's embarrassing. 

I want an A in that class sooo bad. I want to do super well on that final so I'm going to spend these next couple weeks really solidifying the concepts we've been covering over and over and over again. That's why it's so frustrating is because I can see it coming together but with this kind of math you have to try it again and  again before you actually know it. 

The lame thing about today is that I skipped econ to study for stats but I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and a half after I studied for an hour. I feel like the better option would have been to take a rhodiolla and kept working. That probably would have gotten it to the level that I would have needed to do well on the last 5-6 problems that I pretty much threw away by guessing. 

So yeah sometimes even if I think I've fully prepared myself things can still throw me for a loop. 

Well I had the coolest thing happen today! 

After my friend Matt stopped by at around 6' I finally rallied enough to go grocery shopping. My Mom wrote me a check that I can't switch over to my account until the 25th but until then I am officially BROKE. Lol I had to use that cash today before I spent it on a slice of pizza or something at North because I've been eating away at my food surplus the past couple weeks. That's been a good experience for me in itself because I feel like I was too wasteful at the beginning of the year but that's because I made crappy choices on what I was buying.

$19.94.

When I saw that was the total I was so stoked, like I felt like I had just won the price is right. I had gone through at store in about a half hour. I'm not kidding, it was so fast because I didn't want to give myself time to look around. 

Oh, and I saw Sipic in the f*ing store, I'm not even kidding right now. I was just thinking "Good God I do not want to make small talk with you right now." Especially after I felt like a complete dork because I was the lasttttt one in class to finish that damn test and kind of took advantage of the time constraint. Again, why does this matter to me what so ever? I can't tell you.

Well Terry had no problem acting like a dick today, like always. We actually texted quite a bit today because I'm sure he was pissed off about the test as I was. Lol it's so funny any time we get done with tests one of us will text eachother like "How'd you do?" Next quarter we're going to be in two classes together, with two of the same professors that we had this quarter. I'm excited that I'll have no problem staying motivated in the fall if we can manage to keep this up. 

I think that's why we never get too close... is because neither of us want to lose this. It's like I'll try to be kind of flirtatious with him occasionally but his responses are usually kind of vague. I kind of like to think of Terry as more than someone I just study with and use as a tool of motivation because there is still some weird part of me that likes him. Or maybe I just like the overall outcome of being around him. It feels fantastic to have someone as competitive as I am to fuel my fire. 

The high point of my day was getting in contact with someone and getting their number completely unexpectedly. Well that and my friend Matt came over. Yeah it wasn't a terrible day. All I know is I wanted to write and I need to study econ.

peace. 

Let's make this next four weeks as painless as possible, shall we

I've got five minutes before my speech class.

Last night I prayed to God I could work really hard today. I asked him that my mind feel energized so I can get things done because I'm not feeling particularly comfortable about the statistics material right now. It's STILL taking time to click even if I've studied the material for about four hours in the last couple days. The day before the test is the only day that I skip in stats because he only reviews the old material which I can do from my apartment and get more retention for my time.

Granted I know that I can't teach myself this. I always feel like crap when I skip a class but if I actually study and use the time I feel okay about it. Today is one of those days. Chose to skip statistics because my attendance in speech isn't fantastic and I can't afford to skip that again. Speech class kind of drains me and I always want to take a nap afterward which is frustrating because the evening used to be prime guitar practice time for me while I make dinner.

I've tried to control this problem by letting myself relax in the late evening around 8'. Unfortunately what this can sometimes do is make it so that I'm going to bed too early.. Which I suppose is better than sleeping at 4 then waking up at 8, making myself dinner and studying until 11...

I'm always trying to get the perfect regime to make my life the least stressful. Shoot I gotta go to class, write later....(2:43 pm)


3:52 pm:

Today I threw up about 15 minutes after class started (rushed to the bathroom.. honestly I don't know how much longer I could have made it) because I took a prenatal on an empty stomach. They've good multi-vitamins but they can make you feel sick because of their potency levels.

Speech today wasn't bad I guess. There was this girl that did her presentation on her resort-vacation that she goes to during the summer, that was entertaining. What was probably more painful was that the MC was the Hawaiian girl today. She kept reading these completely inappropriate facts or bullshit statistics off her phone and I'm just sitting there trying to keep my head low. Whenever I listen to her I have to REALLY put on my Noh face... closed mouth smile, because I have to keep myself from cracking up.

So yeah uh.... That's definitely THE class I'm excited to be out of this quarter.

I signed up to do my persuasive speech first. The professor was watching if I'd do that and he's like "OHHH she did it!" and people started laughing. Going first ds ,oesn't bother me at all. Waiting for a bunch of other people to go is much more stressful for me because I start overthinking it.

I've got more than a week to get it done. Tomorrow I'm actually going to have to skip speech class to go to the "Bite of Insight" speech for the outside critiquing assignment. I feel like sending him an e-mail about my absence on that one because this is going to be the 4th day that I'm absent. I'd really not like to lose participation points in that class when it should be an easy A.

I'm going to go back outside and enjoy the sunshine and read over one of my stats chapters again before tomorrow's test. I want to do really well to make up for feeling like a dork for not getting the lab on Friday. It's totally my fault that I've fallen behind in the excel stuff because I've barely touched it outside of class. I'm really hoping there's not going to be an excel skill exam or anything at the end of the quarter because I would really need to get on figuring out what the hell I'm doing. It's a hard program in my opinion.

But everything in life is hard. I just need to work at it like anything else, won't come over night.

have I posted this before? Yes? No? Oh well. Took this screenshot awhile back, lol Peggy whipped out the "Funsaver."

Jack and I haven't talked since Saturday morning. This is expected because Jack doesn't really like texting. I wouldn't mind texting every so often but definitely not continually... Idk, he told me to download this app called SnapChat that you can send photos back and forth and they disappear in 3 seconds or something like that. My phone isn't compatible with it so until I get an upgrade I'm pretty sure we're not going to do that much communicating outside of when I spontaneously see him on the weekends.

And to be honest your guess is as good as mine whether or not I'll continue to see him because I like I've said this has happened so many times I just can't ask questions of what he's doing anymore. It's like when he came to my house on Friday night. He immediately held my hand when we walked outside. BUT it was 1 am. See it makes you wonder if he would act that way during the day time, probably not. Again I have no idea, we'll see what happens either way.

Wow I've been writing for an hour already. I haven't played guitar much all day because I've been studying a lot but I still plan too later this evening. 

alright I'll stop rambling

peace.

Oh my dreams, Come back to me, back to me

Morning everyone.

Just got back from economics. Today I got an 86% on my first exam, which is definitely acceptable. I'd say my score is probably in the top 15 percentile in the class because most people got in the 70's and low 80's. It's probably lame of me to say that I was actually expecting/wanting a higher score in the 90's after the amount that I studied the material but that's what I get for skipping out on studying the multiple choice questions.

I already sort of feel myself getting lazier academically which means it's time to re-evaluate what is important right this second. On my whiteboard I wrote three columns to start recording the amount of hours that I spend studying on my most important exams. I'm hoping that at the end of this quarter I can look at the data I obtain from this and see if I can make an estimation of how many hours I have to study to get certain grades. Something like that would be good to know, I feel like I spend so many hours studying but I've never actually recorded it.

Here's what's on my mind currently:

1. Next Stats test (Tuesday), next econ quiz. I'll be studying for these every day.

2. Guitar Recital (April 27). I've been making a lot of progress on my piece. The solo is coming along and I've been working with the track directly to get the lick timing exactly.

3. Informative speech. Have to start watching Korean documentaries again and start putting together a slideshow. I have to have a visual aid for my presentation.

4. My new friend!!! Sort of. I knew her back in highschool because she dated my friend Caleb at the time. The reason I say new is because I never really got a chance to know her back then, and it's been so long that both of our personalities have matured so dramatically that any prior judgement and memories are obsolete. Hell I think the last time we were communicating people were still using MySpace... 2008? 

I've never disliked Arwen. She's always seemed very mysterious, interesting and deep to me. Back when we were younger I had sort of tried to be her friend when Caleb and I were playing tennis and Arwen would occasionally show up to practice. I remember asking her if she wanted to hang out sometime and she told me her mom is extremely strict and doesn't let her do hardly anything so I didn't ask again. I sort of got the vibe that she didn't want to be my friend at the time. 

That was back in highschool though-- when I was a sophomore... Back then I was playing sports, was super outgoing and loud, and pretty sure I had practically bleach blonde hair. Arwen dressed pretty "scene" at the time (as was Caleb) and they usually hung out with other scene kids. She always did her makeup and hair really well and clearly didn't come from Benton city so I found myself fascinated. 

Anyway she added me on facebook recently so we've been talking. She's clearly intelligent just based on the few messages we've sent back and forth and I am looking forward to hopefully getting a chance to hang out with her when I have my recital. 

5. grass. lol guess that's always on my mind.

6. Terry. We did study the other day in the library for a good hour and a half. When I was getting my test out of the pile I spotted his. I did do better than he did but I still think both of us could have done better. 

7. math

Which I'm gonna study now.

peace.

I love purity ring, lol. This is one of my favorite songs from this lovely album some guy at the computer repair store told me about. 

Most important test of my life here tomorrow, and more..

It's november so I should start posting things that I'm thankful for. To be honest I'm thankful for a lot of things, many of which I hadn't started being thankful for until just a year or so ago. The more I learn about other people's lives the more I realize how lucky and extremely fortunate I really am. 

Can finally discard this. 

It's not brand new, but hey it's comfortable, adjusts up and down, and helps improve my playing posture. Thank you so much Dad.

One thing I'm fortunate for is the fact that I don't have broke parents. I know that's a shallow thing to say right off the bat this month but it really does make a huge difference in the amount of effort you have to put into getting to the point I am. My parents have always been extremely supportive in paying for my college expenses. Yesterday my Dad came over, brought me a "care package" with a bunch of cool office supplies, a new office chair and $60 for no apparent reason. OH, and on top of everything he took my bike to the shop to get it repaired because I couldn't haul it in my car. Apparently the bike shop is right down the road though so I'll be able to just ride it home when it's ready on Tuesday. 

It's funny my Dad has driven everyone crazy but I'm so thankful to have him because without him I don't think any of this college stuff would be possible. Not only would I probably never look into the business degree had it not been what he taught me about money growing up, but I probably also wouldn't have the same work ethic. He's taught me a lot about hard work and how important it is to manage your money because it can place a huge strain on your life if you don't. 

 We've grown a lot closer over the last year because I understand when he talks to me about work and he gets a sense of accomplishment when he helps me with my schoolwork. He helped explain a concept for tomorrow's accounting test this morning. So I guess I can just say that I'm thankful for my Dad and everything he's given me. I'm of course thankful for my mom too, who puts up with and helps me through alllll of my emotional struggles that I've had over the years. 

November is a time to be thankful, and I can honestly say I'm very, very thankful for everything... especially the opportunities my parents have given me. 

My couch is no longer white! There was a black slip cover up in our attic space that I put over it this morning. Good thing, too, that white was getting sort of grubby, between you and I... 

I've become a better chef! I made that really tasty grilled chicken breast for Reina and I when she came over for lunch this last Friday. She'd told me, "Emily you are my important friend from the US!" I can't tell you how special that makes me feel. She's only going to be in the United States for six months so I really want a chance to take her back to shop in the tri cities. Maybe I can take her to the mall to do some christmas shopping or something. I figure I'm coming home for Christmas break anyway but it's not that far of a ride to just come get here.

We'll see what my finances are looking like... and what my life is looking like, at that time. I can see Reina and I having lunch together every Friday between now and the time she leaves in March, to be honest! 

So I've got my first lesson with Jake on Thursday at 5:30... I've been improving my practice regime just to be able to show him the new stuff I've taught myself since we last met. I'm so, so excited.. Especially for when his website is up and he starts uploading guitar pro tabs! Jake is REALLY.. err, pro-guitar pro, haha. He got me hooked, it's the greatest tab program out right now and because all of his students use it I imagine we'll be able to post songs on the forums.

Jake ALSO invited me to come give lessons sometime at the shop because there are girls that only want to get lessons from a girl. I initially said, "Oh no I couldn't possibly...!" and made up some excuses but after I thought about it I'm like, why the hell not? Wasn't I just advertising that I could give lessons a couple months ago? I now realize I'm not nearly that caliber of a player yet. I believe I'm in the "good" range, I've gone from "beginner" in the first couple months to "intermediate" for the next four months, and I now consider myself "intermediate-good." 

I have the dexterity and technical skill to play almost anything in the Rock-Metal genre but it's a matter of finding the right songs and memorizing the music that's the hard part. Right now I'm learning Sultans of the Swing, Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid and Mother Superior by Coheed and Cambria. I wanted to find three songs outside my typical Iron Maiden crazy box. 

Tomorrow I have the most important accounting test of my life but I'm not feeling particularily anxious because I have studied, very well. I've used flash cards and I've got most of the formulas and concepts down very well. I'm going to study another hour and a half tonight to really solidify some of Chapter 13 that I was having trouble on. I would also like the opportunity to study for an hour or so before I take the exam itself. The exam opens at 10:00 AM.

I have to make sure to wake up early tomorrow to make myself some good ole Mexican eggs. They're a powerhouse of nutrients and they'll help better prepare me for my exam. At the time of my last exam I was probably running on 700-900 calories a day and I've regulated it entirely since then so hopefully I will see a large improvement to my grade from the 60%.

OH, another thing I have to get done tonight is figure out my registration date and pick a list of classes that I want to take next quarter. The sooner I get THAT out of the way the better, as we all know... I do NOT want another professor that doesn't make any sense next quarter. We'll see.

Just got my score on the legal midterm! 79.83, that rounds up to an 80%!! That's a B-!!! YAY!!! 

peace. 

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.

How could I be THIS stupid?

Well, probably the most disappointing thing in months just happened to me.

As my friends (well, anyone who knows me at all) know, I'm an extreme perfectionist. Extreme. I have a compulsive OCD that makes me study for hours on end and write every little fucking detail down so that I don't forget anything. Well, obviously I've let my work slip to the point that I forgot to write down the time of my Japanese final. I ended up showing up to the test late and almost having a panic attack when I forgot half the grammar. the sad thing is, if I had only gotten a chance to look at the study guide, even for a couple minutes before the final I would of undoubtably aced it.

I don't even want sensee to see the damn thing. It's atrocious proof of the fact that I need to work harder, I need to stop smoking so much pot because it's probably effecting my memory, and I need to stop having so much fun because it's distracting me from my studies.

That being said, I'm going to tie the rope around my neck a little tighter. This next quarter I need to study more hours, not smoke so much weed (especially on the weekdays), probably do a better job writing things down... It's just hard even writing this because I feel like this quarter I really did do my absolute best and didn't slack or procrastinate better than I ever have.

I don't know, it just comes down to the fact that I made a mistake, and all I can do is wait for the grades to come out to see if I maintained a 4.0. Sensee knows how much this means to me, how hard I work, and that I've never been good at writing kanji compounds..

There's really nothing to say on here that will make me feel any better about this situation aside from the fact that I'm happy I didn't completely MISS the exam. That and my finals are now over and now all I can do is wait in anxiousness for my grades to come out. Maybe my mom will make me feel better if I call her.

peace.