I told you I'd get back to you.

Hello again. It's been a long few days.

On January 1st, the last night I had to spend with Travis, I got quite drunk. And I don't mean "Talking loud, wanting to watch something stupid on TV, semi-functional drunk..." I was full on wasted, like could barely get out of my bed and across my messy room and up the stairs to go to the bathroom because my legs were so floppy and uncoordinated. The next morning I figured I'd be doing some light packing but not the majority of it but come to find out at 10 am the next morning my mom had other plans.

I mean in retrospect, thank God we started packing on the 2nd because my mom and I spent until about 3 pm packing on the 3rd which was supposed to just be unloading day according to her. The actual unloading into the house was a bit of a struggle because of this strange stairway that leads to the basement, but it's so pretty down here I can barely complain. I'm still waiting to be completely done unpacking before I do a great unveil on here and facebook.

Being at this new place of my own I have so much new energy. Because I have a ton of storage my life is once again clutter free and I feel so much more happy and relaxed. Having my own supply of food, knowing where everything is and not having to fight with my family's (primarily Dad's) mass amount of clutter and crap that would flood into that basement on a regular basis.

It makes me happy because it makes me realize there's really nothing wrong with me in regards to organization and keeping my environment clean. It's just when I'm in an environment where I feel like other people's interference is making it to hard to handle I crack and do nothing. Allow it to become a mess, not give a shit and look forward to the next time I'm leaving. Isn't that sad? Makes me glad as F*ck I don't have a husband or kid to take care of.

Uhm.

OH. My sister got engaged to Jimmy last month! Ha ha, like nobody predicted that one. Still I'm very happy to see she'll be marrying the man she loves. They've got such a stable relationship and life, I feel safe with Jimmy. I feel like he's not someone that would ever cheat or have major problems that would complicate or even be detrimental to my sister's self-worth.

According to my Dad, Avery has hardly any plans of going to college anytime soon. Which is understandable considering she's pretty much a master at her trade-- coffee making. And she's known virtually all over the tri cities because of her regular customers that always yell "Avery! Avery!" when they see her places. She's like made her own fanbase.

Another great thing about Roasters is that they're a sole proprietorship now but they've expanded very significantly in the area since openning. If they were to ever switch to being a publicly traded entity my sister would undoubtedly get the best stock options for her and Jimmy's loyalty to the company.

Okay that's it for now. School starts tomorrow and I'm really, really pumped up for it. Gonna work out a little, maybe do a tiny bit more art, then go to bed.. I actually got up at a decent hour this morning because I was expecting to have a Dr.'s appointment but it was cancelled because Zirk was sick. Poor guy. It's cool, I'm looking forward to getting a chance to talk to him tomorrow, get three months prescription and finally make the necessary steps to cut back my smoking dramatically for school. It was pretty impossible when I didn't have the resources to do it before because the meds I needed were for some reason unavailable for the past two weeks. Whatever.

Get it all squared tomorrow and have them transfer the prescription up here to Rite Aid. I'm not worried about much because my Dad dropped a few hundred in my account today and I have all the food I'll need for at least a week and a half for only $100. Thanks Bargain Market. God, another thing I missed. Even if they sometimes don't have everything they have a sh*t ton of good stuff, cheap. 

Like today I scored 4 pomagranites for $5. Okay you don't care, lol, bye.

peace.

"michelle!! baby where are you??/" Here's a story worth telling.

The other night after babysitting my new friend Megan's son I went over to Travis's apartment complex to crash for the night. Travis lives in a small apartment complex with about 6 units and Travis lives on the bottom floor with his long time friend Vinnie that he works with at the casino and his girlfriend. Neither of his roommates were home the night that I showed up at 1:45 am (2:45 am if you include the hour from Fall back. It was weird, I felt like I lived 1 am twice that night.....) so I was sitting in my car waiting for Travis to arrive home from work.

Lmao, here's a goofier picture of us taken on Halloween.. 

When I was sitting there with my lights off trying to go unnoticed by anyone who might be around I was startled to hear two drunks yelling at eachother in the parking lot. Travis pulled in pretty shortly after and helped me load my junk back to his house. I spotted the people that had been yelling at eachother and overheard the swarthy looking man probably in his late 30's whining, "Your friends were talking so much shit about me!!" and this blonde woman like desperately pleading with him, "They would never do that, baby! Seriously!!" Sprinkle in lots of slurred 'shits' and f-bombs in there too.

Travis and I go back to his room and I'm super zonked so I just laid down and started telling him about babysitting this super adorable 2 year old that was also a total handful.. Mind you, it was definitely at least 2:20 am by then. Suddenly out of nowhere, we hear a man's voice at the top of his lungs:

"MICHELLE...?! Oh my God baby, NO!" Sound of running frantically, stomping feet and slamming doors... 

Silence. I hopped up and told Travis to turn off his fan and open a window.  Travis was of course like, "What the f&*^?" peeking through the blinds and said he thinks it was the drunk guy from earlier. Drunk or not, he seemed like there was something very wrong. 

Already I had begun hypothesizing what had happened and quite honestly the first thought was that someone walked in on their girl or daughter who had hung themselves and they were in shock/disbelief. A couple minutes of silence past. You could occasionally hear stomping around from upstairs. 

"Michelle?! Where are you baby?! MICHELLE!!.. MICHELLE...!!.." Yelling her name then proceeds a few more times (not sure what good that's doing at this point but hey?) before a calm sounding older guy walks out of his own apartment and says, "Everything alright..?" 

The drunk guy responds, "I'm like so sorry man, I'm just looking for my girl, she's short, blonde... She was just here earlier and she walked off. She like disappeared. Oh God, Oh God no!!! How could this happen?" 

So basically this dude's drunk, pissed off girlfriend left the apartment complex on foot at 2 in the morning (presumably to walk down the street to the mini-mart) and he was acting like it was his helpless daughter that ran away in the night and he was too drunk to go get her. I'm glad it was neither of my hypotheses about what was going on and it was just two drunk people....... one of which was being WAY over dramatic.

Ha ha hope you enjoyed my story, when something as weird as that happens I don't think most people know how to respond. I kept thinking the cops were going to show up but it would have obviously just made things worse for the two involved. There didn't seem to be any evidence of abuse happening, just loud idiots making a scene. 

peace. 

There are certain people in your life that you meet and feel so lucky to have happened to cross paths with because they're the masters of what they do and are willing to take the time to teach you.

That's how I felt when I met Jacob, feeling desperate to learn the guitar and he had the tools to teach me how to do it. I spent a half an hour each week with him and he'd give me as much information as possible to practice and process the following week. After doing this for months and months I finally got to the point I was able to teach myself new songs and didn't really need lessons anymore. But those ten months or so that I did put my all into-- writing down and following every detail of the lesson, practicing three hours a day, not letting anything discourage me... is what got me to where I am today on the guitar.

...Another random person that inspires me, "Deelishis", not only because she has a bodacious a** but because of her amazingly confident personality in Flavor of Love (I've been watching that since it's leaked onto Youtube recently, nostalgia crack much?)

So I will of course be eternally grateful to Jacob for getting me over that intial "hump" that gave me the tools to teach myself. It makes me shudder to think of what might have happened if I hadn't been at that music store that day and met Jake in the first place. I could have ended up with another dead end instructor that had no idea what kind of motivation I needed. It's luck.

And in the same sense I feel this way about Ed. Back when I was 19 or so and had Math 96 with him I could see he was a good person and he could see that I was intelligent. After that class we of course lost touch but I added him on facebook. About a year ago he'd randomly came up on my news feed when I saw he had his first daughter (which led me to checking out his facebook to see that he'd fallen in love with a pretty girl about a year back, was still managing at some casino, etc..) and I messaged him to congratulate him.

Maybe that's been why he's been willing to take me on as a dealer at Lucky Bridge Casino. Because I absolutely suck. The other night Ed had me come over to his Dad's bar and help them out but having a *very* mediocre knowledge of the motions of the game and what winning hands are made it a very slow (and stressful) process. On top of that I had these really nice dudes that wanted me to chill out buying me drinks which I happily accepted and ended up getting too drunk to drive home until I threw up in the bathroom.* Beautiful. 

So yeah. I've just been practicing poker online against the computer any chance I can. I've been working at Caesars a lot lately and started my accounting 305 class so I've been keeping pretty busy.

In other news my birthday is coming in three days. Two days in two hours. I get paid tomorrow so I'm considering planning a party but I've gotta figure out what my work schedule is for the next week. Having a party should really be at the bottom of my priority list when I've got so much at stake right now. Like tomorrow I've got my first accounting homework and quiz due at 9, I got invited to a birthday party at 4 pm and I might get asked to come in and job train more. I don't know. tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.


peace. 

Never been so out of my mind.

Me using a tequila bottle as a meat cleaver. Michael came over and I made Parmesan chicken the other night. As you can see, though these bottles do have uses I have decided to discard them.

Evening.

Can't believe the last time I wrote was Tuesday, this week flew by. I've got a lot to say. This is the first time in awhile I can remember being too embarrassed to call my parents because of my actions. I've decided to really refrain from drinking from now on. This past week I've been taking a couple shots in the evening to both cure boredom and hide my feelings about the "Terry-having-a-girlfriend" situation (ha ha, I don't know why that's in quotes, can't get much more obvious than that.). I thought I could handle alcohol in my system but yesterday I realized I'm much more of a lightweight than I'd realized.

I got invited over by my Kenyan neighbors Joseph and Irene. It was super nice to see them and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I'd mentioned that I had a sink full of dishes and I had to get home to clean and Joseph offered me a shot of alcohol. Granted it was like 2 pm but it's also a saturday without a huge amount of homework so I said sure, what the hey... I was having a great time, eating chicken, whatever.

I don't know what proof that whiskey was but after taking just two shots of it I was drunk. Definately the drunkest I've ever been in my life. I don't even remember walking in the door to my apartment and putting the bowl of chicken in the fridge but I do remember going upstairs and falling on the floor, then puking all over my hair. I laid there for a second like "auuugh!!" and rolled over to clean up the mess. 

I then got in the shower to clean the puke out of my hair. I'm assuming I had eyemakeup everywhere and I don't remember washing my face. I dried myself off and did the weirdest thing... I put on just leggings and the wrestling tshirt I bought from Troy C. backwards. I went downstairs and took a Brokaid hoping it would somehow keep me awake to clean but I pretty much  passed out on the couch. Again this was at like 3 or 4 and my parents were planning to come that evening. My sink was still full of dirty dishes. 

When they came in and I woke up almost in a panic. I was super drunk and wanted to go back to sleep but the effects of the Bronkaid were also going through my system and making me feel wired and dizzy. My parents were like "What are you on?" I didn't mention the Bronkaid, I just said I'd drank with my neighbors and felt really, really sick. I was acting really paranoid and crazy. They dropped off some money and left shortly after (this was like 6:30 pm) and I overheard my dad say "Wow I was not expecting that" on his way out. 

I can't remember the last time I've felt so ashamed. I ended up sleeping until about 9:45 pm before I was able to sober enough to get online. Michael and I talked about what had happened and he's encouraging me in my plan to stop drinking entirely, or at least keep alcohol out of my house so that I don't feel tempted to drink when I'm bored in the evenings. 

I'm sure as Hell not drinking hard alcohol at Radcon either. In some sense I'm glad this happened because I was able to experience being practically incoherent drunk but in the safety of my own home instead of somewhere where someone could hurt me. *Quiver....* \

By the way in writing this I want in no way for there to be bad light shed on my neighbors. I was warned it was good and that I might not be able to study for a few hours but I overestimated my tolerance for such a high proof product. 

Oh well I lived to tell the tale, learned my lesson and can move forward with a healthier lifestyle. I still am not looking forward to re-discussing this situation with my parents what so ever and do not intend to call until a few days have passed and it seems like a distant memory. 

So for the rest of the evening I'll be going to the library to read my macro book and work on homework. I applied for an internship in Spokane for the summer that appears to fit my qualifications very well. I looked at the Batelle internships and most of them are for doing technical support for their information systems. My GPA isn't high enough to qualify for their statistical data analysis gig which sounded kind of cool but fine. I've worked my a** off for this 3.177 GPA and if it doesn't suit your standards I'll take my services elsewhere. 

peace. 

Enter 2014

Damn you know what I just realized? In 2013 I wrote 199 blog entries, could have had a perfect 200!!

Well that doesn't matter. Today was the supposed day that we were leaving, but I realized how mistaken I was when my Dad walked in this morning, "Hey you know you can take my car to downtown Atascadero and check it out!!" Uh, yeah no thank you I could give honestly give a rats a** about any of the overpriced junk they could try to sell me at those boutiques downtown.

Yesterday was New Years eve so we had a jam packed, interesting day. We started out going to Morro Bay to walk down by the water a bit. As you can see I'm wearing a sparkly shirt and jeans, not my normal beach attire but I'm glad I wore these pants because it was a little chilly. I mean not chilly in comparison to what I've become accustomed to at home at all but I should have brought a sweatshirt. 

I wore this same outfit out that night for a couple New years parties that our aunt brought us too. Her and Adam have a way of knowing about events and things to do. We first went to a party being held in what appeared to be a multipurpose building that might have been a church. There was this 80's metal cover band that was going super loud and lots of biker-y looking adults hanging around. We looked and felt pretty out of place there, but luckily I'd already sipped down 4 rum and cokes that night and it didn't bother me much. 

Anyway we left that party at around 11'. We had a big New years eve dinner at my Grandma's that evening, followed by some drinks at my aunts house, so I only think we stayed at that first party for 30 minutes. We next went over to this barn style building, I think the bar is actually called "The Ranch." 

It's f*cking weird partying and getting drunk around your family, especially when your Mom and aunt (and my aunt's friends, we came in a group so luckily that took some of the awkwardness away from this situation....) are like getting down on the dance floor to live reggae. Even my tipsy mind was like, nooo that's alright, you guys go ahead I'll just sit here, drink more and check the time every so often to see how long until I get out of here.... Though I'm not saying I was mortified by them, or that I didn't have a good time at all. It's just weird when you're in a bar and you've got guys hitting on you all over but you look over and see your Dad standing by the wall. 

I must have gotten picked up on by 6 separate guys last night, a couple of which were in the reggae band that played there. Ha ha, takes more than good guitar skills to woo me. I danced with a few but this was only after around 12:45 am when I was good and sloshed and knew my family was too drunk to be paying attention to what I was doing. The rest of the time I spent making bullshit conversation with guys that picked up on me, sitting by my sister or wandering around.

That was definitely the most interesting new year I've had in a long time. Moving on to a new year. What are my resolutions this year?

New Years Resolutions 2014

1. Make it a goal to practice 80 minutes a day, every day. This amount of time is not too much to take away from the rest of my life but provides enough practice to be making solid steps toward improvement on the guitar. 

2. Do 100 sit ups and 100 squats per day.  

3. Do hand massages every day to increase playing dexterity.

4. Be more proactive about checking my email.

5. Get a job in Ellensburg.

6. Actively use the law of attraction. Be kind to others and give love in order to receive love. Avoid negative thoughts or being a hater in any form, even if it's just in casual conversation. Accept that people are the way they are and should be accepted as such.

I've made a lot of progress in 2013-- on the guitar, spiritually, mentally and probably physically considering I have barely been sick this year. This year I was pretty poor, this year I'd like to make more money like I did in 2012. 

No word back from Sipic or the business office on the job posting yet. Still crossing my fingers. In two days I will call them. 

peace. 

Learning more about the system.

Haven't much felt like writing.

Today I didn't have the best luck. I woke up with no plans and ended the day with no plans, which is never a good day on a Saturday. I did get some studying done and practiced for about an hour. Not great but my hands needed a break today.

Allie told me she wanted to come with me grocery shopping today when I told her what I had planned. Not particularly exciting. She told me she'd let me know when she was done at the gym and we'd go. Well around 6:00 she got back and took a shower and didn't feel like going. Ha ha I'm not surprised, who the hell would want to walk around a grocery store in circles with me when they just worked out for two hours? I was flattered that she wanted to go in the first place, so I used it as an excuse to sit around and watch documentaries about drugs all day.

That sort of creeped me out. I learned about some really scary drugs in Russia and Columbia. Heroin, meth, crack cocaine, painkillers, broken families... All things I'm going to avoid thinking about for the next few days. Drugs create such a horrible reality for people and destroy everything. I made a promiss to myself early on that those types of drugs are completely out of the question. I would never, ever try any of them. I am fortunate enough that I don't have any need to escape reality. I look at the horrible circumstances these poor people involved with drug using families go through and I can see how they turn to drugs themselves. It's a horrible cycle in the predominantly lower castes of society but alcoholism and drug use certainly destroys middle and upper class people's lives too.

I don't know. I live my life with thought, caution and discipline to keep myself safe. I would never think to use a substance that could potentially jeopardize my wellbeing. Loving your life and yourself means using restraint and discipline to become the best person you can be. Now I'm not saying people should work 24/7 to be better than everyone around them but work their best to fulfill whatever it is they feel a need to do in life. Nobody aspires to be a junky. It's sad to say not everyone starts life with a realistic goal and end up falling into the wrong crowd of people.

I'm so lucky to have the parents that I did. So many of these poor people on Intervention had such awful upbringing. You cannot be a meth head and raise a child, there's just no way. Even if a parent cares about the children the constant pursuit of drugs doesn't leave much room for the love, attention and care their child needs. These children often get molested because of the inattentiveness of parents or end up using drugs themselves at ages as young as 12. Babies in drug addicted communities born addicted to crack or opiates. It's disgusting and sad.

But yeah I'm going to work out and go to bed. It's getting late. I really hope I get the opportunity to see a friend tomorrow because I felt really lonely today. I did call Katelynn today which was nice! I had a lot to talk about and just went on and on.

I really shouldn't complain because I've had a good last couple of days though. This was taken at a party that Allie invited me to come too. I've met Allie's roommates as well as her some of her close friends at CWU now. This picture might be taken of me and Allie but for most of the party I was standing around drinking my hard apple cider with those 3 rednecks standing behind us. Nah, they weren't bad rednecks, they were actually pretty funny and interesting to talk too.

I can remember one of them's name was Taylor and I was talking to him for longer than the others. I wasn't particularly interested in any of the guys there. I just like to drink my beer and get into conversations, get to know people, and watch the interesting bullshit unfold around me as people get more drunk. 

The few minutes that I did walk away from these guys I stood over by the sink and briefly talked to Allie's roommate's.... I want to say boyfriend, though it's not facebook official so I do not know if they just party together or what. It seems like that's kind of what college "relationships" are like. Nobody actually wants to tie down with anyone unless they find someone absolutely perfect because they want to keep their options open in case they DO find that person. So instead of actually dating people just find their favorite person to hook up, drink and party with. I get it now. 

And I guess some people just hook up with someone new every week at parties. That to me is kind of gross.  Last night there was one girl who was completely out of control. She was so wasted and actually grabbed the tall guy standing directly behind me's crotch. It was so bad, one of the guys paid this girl $5 to do it. After she did she kept following him around the room trying to grind on him. Note that she was kind of big, with skin tight clothes and f**ked up makeup. Just a complete trainwreck. 

It makes me sad to imagine how people get this way. So hopeless that they have to make themselves completely wasted to feel comfortable in their own skin. That's what it comes down too. Ugh, here I go talking about substance abuse again. I feel bad for poor Abe, he texts me today and we're making light conversation about the party and then all of a sudden I go into talking about how drugs are so terrible and blah dee blah.

Anyway Allie's roommate cut between this guy and I, and kept on eyeballing me all night. I mean I can understand why. She doesn't know me, I could be a complete bitch who likes to ruin things for people. There's a lot of girls that would take advantage of a situation if they're given the chance to snatch a guy from someone else. I just don't feel right about that. I just like meeting and talking to people; I was not interested in her boyfriend what so ever. But feeling as though I had intimidated someone made me feel a little empowered. It's become very effortless for me to talk to strangers, which will benefit me immensely in my professional life.

peace. 

Things are going super well, so I don't tend to write? 45.

Wow, so much to say. I apologize for my hiatus, things have just been very busy this week with school, friends, etc etc....

I just got done playing guitar. I'm working on perfecting Lateralus.I'm excited to be done with that one because that's something I *thought* I learned a long time ago when in reality I was playing the entire thing wrong, horribly. Well, with the playalong software on songsterr it's pretty hard to get away with playing what you *think* sounds right. Anyway, enough about that. So much to tell you.

I met someone recently. Now, I've sort of hinted about this on my facebook, but I haven't come out and told anyone about it yet because my lack of trust in men. And besides, why is it anyone's business what I'm up to in my love life? But I'll write about it in this blog because it's practically a secret.

His name is Alex, he's 25, he's a geologist and lives in a condo in Richland. To be honest with you, there's not much more I could tell you about him, and we've been hanging out for days. He's not really a talker, and doesn't come out to me about much, yet we have an awesome time when we're together, he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and he's so CUTE. So for him, I am taking my time... like, I want to get to know him without bugging him too much and prying him to open up about things. It's been going pretty well so far, we've hung out a few times since I met him last saturday.

Last saturday was Jessika's party night, and she wanted me to tag along to be her wingman so-to-speak around this guy that she likes... a lot. I mean, Jessika will "like" a guy and then not care about him at all a week later, but she REALLY likes this one. So I figured, what the hell if I've been sick all week lets party. Jessika ended up inviting this guy Alex that she met at the court club in the sauna. Alex apparently CLEARLY dug her, according to all of the texts she was reading to me. So two guys that are into Jessika, Jessika, and me. Sounds like an interesting night.

It WAS interesting, though it had it's ups and downs. We went to a bonfire at Lost Lake first, after meeting up with Rose and her husband. We walked down there and hardly knew anyone aside from Clayne Cox, Wiley Shelton, and Cameron Benitz... Ohh yeah, me and Cameron got along when we knew eachother SO well! Ha ha, but that's years ago, so I figured what the hell nobody should give me any problems. I got bitched at a lot by people because I had a purse with me, but I would laugh and it would be okay. A lot of people that did know me were surprised as hell that I was even there, but when me and Wiley started talking it was actually pretty interesting to catch up. So I stood around and talked to Wiley, Clayne and a couple other people and took a few swigs off this Pendleton Whiskey deliciousness. (No, seriously, that whiskey tastes good in my opinion)

But man, I am such a lightweight because that stuff hit me really hard. I could barely walk in a straight line and suddenly got nervous that when I did meet Alex if I would come off like a dumbass. This paranoia became apparent when I became really quiet practically the rest of the night.

I immediately thought Alex was cute from the get-go, but it was obvious that he wasn't paying attention to me at all. This ticked me off more than I anticipated, especially when I realized he was attrative. I was not expecting him to be cute at all, so I was a mix of anxious and pissed off. So I just drank and sat around watching Jessika, Nathan, Cameron, and the guy Jessika liked play beer pong.

The night went on with no changes really, Jessika got a lot drunker, and I started to sober up. I don't drink very fast because I hate the calories of beer. That being said, though the hard alcohol hit me pretty hard at the beginning by the time we were wrapping it up at 2 AM I was not even buzzed. I was almost completely sober. Jessika on the other hand was wanting to make out with this guy, so they ended up going off into her room and making noise. Both me AND Alex wanted to bail, so he asked if I wanted to catch a ride back with him and stay at his place. I figured why not, even though he very blatantly said to me earlier that he found Jessika super attractive and he didn't find me that was so much because he doesn't like "shy girls." Wow, uhm, yeah what the Hell? Anyway. . . .

Basically, in the long run me and Alex ended up getting some time alone to talk and get to know eachother and ended up hitting it off pretty well. We've seen eachother a couple times since that night and even if I still feel a little irked by the fact that he wasn't nessasarily attracted to me, I'll try to look past it.

We ended up taking Nathan home that night and he talked all the way back. It was funny because me and Alex just sat there quiet the entire time and he went on and on and on. That sort of made me realize why Alex thought I was shy.... I barely said anything that night because I couldn't get a word in.

Anyway, that was my experience with that. Pretty crazy shit last weekend. This week school has been good. Got one of the highest grades in class on one of my accounting tests, got a 102 on my Japanese test, and got a bunch of projects done in visual basic.

Yeah, I'd say things are going very, very well.

Warning, another pissed off blog entry. You don't have to read it. It'll turn around a bit towards the end, I promiss.

Today I'm planning on getting my hair colored. With what money, I have no clue. Me and my mom were on the couch talking about potential colors, and I was actually thinking about getting brown with pink streaks in it. My mom said that would look like shit and would be too expensive, so I put out the idea of getting anything "rebelious" or interesting, so I'm going with a chocolate brown... again. My mom found this picture:

She thinks I should get little lighter streaks in it to give it some volume or something. I don't really like this picture because you can't really even see the colors. I know that if I went to go get it done and my mom came with, Nathan would be asking me questions like "So do you want the lighter brown streaks?" And I'd be like, "No" but my mom would cut in and say that there HAS TO BE.

My dad thinks I want to dye it BLACK. Yes, I typically do go with a dark brown, but I have never dyed it black, ever. Have I wanted too? Yes. Would I like it if my hair was black? Probably. But I won't do it because my parents would harrass me about it. The last few times that I've gotten my hair dyed close to black was after a horrific haircut, so I didn't like how THAT looked and the combination of the two made me hate it. I think I would actually like black hair if my hair was long. Granted, I'd rather not people think I'm trying to look asian, so I'm going to avoid that. I want dark brown, as always.

My dad came up and was yelling at me about how I look like shit when I have dark hair, and that I look "angry." I know that they both think I would look better blonde. I know this because my mom has manipulated me to dye my hair blonde before. How the FUCK can they think I look good blonde? For one thing, having that color hair makes me insecure because I think it looks ugly. It makes the redness in my face come out.

She literally said, when I was suggesting I get an all over dark brown..

"You think you're EVER going to get a job or a boyfriend with that dark hair?"

Now that I understand where her mind set is, her opinion's credibility means absolutely nothing to me. I'm tired of her telling me what looks good and what doesn't look good because now I feel that my own opinion isn't valid and it's not fair.

Forget it, I'm not even going to do this today... my blog entries are so depressing lately because the only time I come on here is when I want to rant about something because I'm pissed off practically all the time.

It's gotten to the point where I don't ever even post these to my facebook wall anymore because I'm slightly humiliated by the stuff that I write because I know my anger and insecurities are pathetic. I'm NOT always angry, but it comes out when I'm at home. I'm typically happy when I'm on the go, with my friends, or at school.

Anyway....

Last night was really fun. Me and Katelynn got pretty drunk with this drink called Joose. I wasn't originally going to drink it but I wanted to get my mind off some things so I didn't mind.

Yesterday originally me and Guy were going to go down to Hermiston but plans didn't end up working out. Of course, they weren't really plans. I just think Guy got the idea when I was leaving and he didn't want me too-- but it was just an idea, and it turned out he was going to spend some time with his mom yesterday instead. Apparently Cory and him are going to some rave thing today, and I was invited to go but I don't really want too. Reason being, I don't really know them enough to be able to travel with them. As much as I like spontanious things, I've been out the last couple nights, and really just should chillax today. Plus I need to save gas money...

Shavonne invited me over for dinner tonight but it's another lonnnnng drive to kennewick and I don't want to have to pay gas money to go out there. Seems like I'm constantly in kennewick lately.

Honestly the perfect way to spend the rest of my day today, in my opinion, is to go out on a run in this nice rainy weather, come home and play the bass, start on my college applications, and maybe take a little nap. Really nothing exciting, but still a good way to spend my saturday. We'll see if anything comes up.

yours,

emily