Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

Do I look like someone else

I'm feeling too restless to practice guitar right now... which means I have to write and hopefully shake this out because to be honest with you guys I'm exhausted and can't imagine I'm going anywhere tonight.

I texted Jay today. I was unable to wait until this evening. I asked him how his trip was going and he didn't reply. Damn it's been like 3 days... I'm kind of wondering if we're not going to talk anymore or what. That's been on my mind more than I'd like to admit today.

Check it out, tonight I unintentionally made myself look like a different person. Ha ha I've changed my look from Emily the no bullshit guitarist to Emily that draws manga and watches Ponies.*

I had work at 11 am this morning. My shift was 11-7 pm, and that's final. The reason I say that is because my coworkers were asking me continually how long I was going to work tonight. My managers actually didn't ask me to stay later, as they're intelligent enough to know that I would politely refuse. Lol. No credit apps or "findmore" things again today. My mom was like "Can they fire you for not doing those?" and I responded, "Don't think so..."

Lol I know that you can't but you're continually pressured about it. The corporation uses competition as one of it's tactics to motivate their employees. I kind of hate that about my job, it makes me miss my lazy days at Rite Aid....

When I move up to Ellensburg I plan on looking for a new job very quickly. Working at the Yakima JCpenny on the weekends could be a good temporary fix until then. Jeez that reminds me I have to talk to one of my managers about that. I should write a memo and leave it on one of their desks tomorrow. Good plan. Tomorrow's basically my Friday. I've got nothing planned. Will probably just do the usual because I'm gonna owe Jake $40 on Thurs so I shouldn't blow my money at the bar on Wednesday.

Alright... I guess that's sufficient writing for tonight. Need to practice for the first time today (it's 9:25 pm. God I'd be miserable if I was still at work, ha ha I was done at 7...)

I'm actually feeling a lot better about relaxing and enjoying the rest of my night. I told my mom that jay hadn't texted me back and she's like "You're being silly, it's Sunday night and that's when his job gets over. He probably doesn't even have reception." Both are really good points. I will sit with that.

peace.

*.... note that I do neither of those things. Not that there is anything wrong with people that do. But I think I look so much different with glasses and no bangs... I'm honestly not used to seeing myself like this. 

Been letting myself have a little fun this summer

Hello everrryone.

Today's Thursday, which means tomorrow's one of my favorite days (payday!!!). I'm planning to go get my paycheck before work, deposit the check, then maybe do a little shopping while the prices are still super low. Apparently we're getting 25% off on top of the clearance so I really want to take advantage of that. It'll be nice to spoil myself a little tomorrow.

Today was pretty much a recharge day. I did play guitar a little and have my lesson at 5:30 but I slept in until about 2:30 this afternoon and then slept again in the evening... I must have been super tired after last night.

I worked a pretty easy Wednesday closing shift (I say this because the sections weren't that disorganized, not too many customers, etc...) and afterward I was driving all over town to  try to get to the bar to meet up with some friends of mine. My phone was dying and for some reason my car charger was not working so I was pretty much screwed and actually decided to drive home before Katelynn said her and Devin could meet me at a Texaco. Got back on the highway and we got to the bar around 11:55 pm.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I drank fast. I drank a long island, a rum and coke and a spider bite in an hour and a half... A bunch of Ashleigh's friends were there. It's like people are getting more aware of this wednesday karaoke night thing. I met a couple of new friends that Ashleigh is working with at Amazon currently. She's going to do well there I think.

Katelynn had a guy with her named Devin last night and I enjoyed his company. He seems like a pretty responsible, down to earth guy. He kind of reminds me of Rachelle's boyfriend Levi because of his red hair. Anyway Katelynn seems to really like him so that's all that's good. Everyone has to weed through different people to find the right match and it doesn't bother me that she and Alan just broke up. Lol if only I was so lucky to find guys in dating. 

Though lately I've grown even more content being single. Deleting and blocking Jack was the first step in the right direction I'd made this summer, followed by telling Terry I'm done trying to communicate this summer because I'm tired of him texting me acting like he wants me to come there and then not talking. Texting is so f*cking annoying when you're trying to communicate with a guy that you like when *they're* still on the fence about you. It's selfish and I'm done with it. I seriously don't like anyone and I've been totally fine with that. I just spend most of my time and money on myself and my own improvement without distractions. 

So I had a guitar lesson today that went extremely well because Jake was able to get me that picking dvd that he originally paid hundreds for. This whole DVD is just about picking technique and it's going to help me a great deal I'd imagine. Anyway hopefully I can get it to run on my computer.

peace.

Oh, here's some random 90's goth metal that I've been listening to by a band called Type O Negative. Great vocal quality unlike many other bands that I've heard. Sends shivers down your spine. Warning the lyrics to this could be considered offensive or sacrilegious. Like most metal it should be taken for the work of art that it is rather than read into what it's trying to say. 

Isn't that a lovely picture... That's my nightly glass of wine in my hand. 

That's me after being exhausted all day but still managing to get as much work done as possible.. Like I woke up tired after not being about to sleep well last night and was yawning all day. Somehow I still had the ability to practice guitar for two hours, study my economics for a solid hour, get my finite homework done and I've still got time to get a little of my English done before bed. 

I was so tempted to go to sleep all day but even when I laid down in bed my mind wouldn't let me. I prayed last night that I would have the patience to get a bunch of work done today and I feel like that prayer was answered. Ha ha, I'll probably pray the same thing tonight because tomorrow is going to be just as heavy of a work load. 

I'm still keeping up with my finite math homework even if it's getting into what the professor said is the "hardest part of the quarter." I've got the combination/permutation formulas down but I'm having a hard time distinguishing when to use each. I'm hoping it'll be painfully obvious on the word problems on the test. Knowing the professor it will be. He's so cool, he assigns specific problems to look at before taking the weekly tests so as long as I study those I should be fine. 

My econ test on Friday has me sort of stressed out because it's the first big exam but I've studied the material pretty well, I mean I really seem to be getting it in class but the application of the formulas and graphs usually gets me. I would go to tutoring tomorrow but I've got lessons with Jake so I'm on my own. That's fine, with all the work I've put into my classes this week and the lack of emotional turmoil from prozac I feel I can conquer most things. 

I texted Gerardo once today, pretty much just saying I hope his day's been good and that I've been really busy with studying. It's crazy, we text eachother in Spanish-- which is how we're getting to know eachother and honestly it's working just fine. I'd like to hope I'm picking up some speaking ability from doing this. He works 5 days a week at a really physically taxing job.. He's like a groundskeeper for this huge piece of property here in Ellensburg and he's lived here for a year working there (no puedo nunca...lol). He only has saturdays and sundays off. He'll probably want to party Saturday so I'm wondering if I'll get to see him. I didn't feel *super* comfortable at that party last weekend, for obvious reasons, but I'm sure we'll see eachother this weekend at some point. 

So regardless of our interesting, almost comical circumstances we still like eachother and I'm just enjoying my time going with the flow with this. Ha ha, at least he's not Japanese or something, then I'd have a real problem. I can't communicate in Japanese hardly at all. I've somehow held onto a good amount of Spanish though and I'm going to try and learn more every day. 

peace.