The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace.