BANG BANG BANG... silence.

Weekend again. It's almost 7, Friday evening.

I have this policy analysis that I have to do this weekend. I feel lame having not put any significant effort into it at this point.. But I have all of tomorrow and Sunday to get it done. I've got that "rough draft" that will at least get me started. I'm taking the rest of the night off.

Most of today was spent studying for my public finance test (midterm 3) and of course was one of the last ones in my class to finish it. I'd made the decision to prepare more than adequately for this test to assure that I wasn't getting another C after last week's shitty test. So yeah, studied the material super well this week... I know I did well on the multiple choice and didn't bullshit any of the essay questions except for 2 because I forgot to read the damn Facebook articles. 

When I'd made this realization toward the end of the test I was sooo frustrated... Like I stayed up late last night, then woke up at 6' this morning to study for a couple solid hours before money and banking (debated not even going but I'm glad I did...) then studied with Mike H. then went home and studied for another 40 minutes before the test!! But somehow completely forgot the f*cking facebook articles-- didn't cross my mind once the past few days. Now the highest I could possibly get is an 87. Doesn't give me much wiggle room for mess ups on the rest of the thing at all, and I'm really hoping that after all of this work I at least pull a B.

Yesterday I had a quiz in Money and banking that I was not feeling comfortable on what so ever, even if I did a pretty good amount of studying. True/False questions are tricky but I usually do surprisingly well on them.. I guess better than I expect. I think in some ways I've always had a good nose for bulls**t.. Like I can tell when someone is lying or when something's kind of off, so naturally I guess I would be good at true-false.

When I was going through the stack of papers Terry was standing behind me. His was on top of mine at the bottom of the stack and when he reached down to grab his he picked up mine too. I snatched that paper out of his hands so fast, I did NOT want him to be the first one to see it.. Especially because I thought I did really bad and I always just assume Terry's scores are within a 5 point margin of my scores (*give or take). I put the quiz under my textbook cover when I was debating looking at it and was pleasantly happy/shocked to see that I scored a 22/28 (78%... Still a C, but a more respectable C than last time!).

Terry didn't do so hot on this one and told me he wanted to go drink... Lol it was like 10 am. I know how that goes though, you just feel sick for the rest of the hour... if it's bad enough the rest of the day. Which is why I didn't even want to look at the score in the first place.

Oh! Also I got 41/50 (82%) on my managerial test. I was pretty happy with this. Every day this week has been spent cramming for one test or another.

okay, school was designed to make us all suffer, we get it, moving on...

Here it is, Friday night. I do want to have fun. Hold on I'll take a picture of my kind of filthy self after a long day...

Right now I'm feeling kinda greasy, blah and unmotivated. I got my guitar practice quota done (my hands are honestly kind of sore from working on rondo alla turca, it involves a lot of middle finger technique that I'm not used too), feeling accomplished with this week for the most part... I want to have fun!! 

I've texted a couple people (Oscar and Marlowe, the girl I met last week) but haven't heard back from either yet. I am debating texting Allie.. I don't know, I tried to hit her or Kala up the past couple weekends and I didn't get much response so I'd rather the next time they want to hang out they text me so I know that they don't like... dislike me or something.

I think the next step in my evening, regardless of what happens, is to go get a couple Coronas and relax with my kitty cat and I'll be quite happy. It's been a tough week, this quarter's coming to an end and I'm excited to spend some time with my family soon. Tomorrow I might be meeting my Dad  in Yakima for lunch and do some wandering around at thrift stores. I'm still on a hunt for some funky, retro refrigerator magnets!! And a bigger coffee maker that I don't have to refill three times a day.

Alright goin' on a beer run.

peace. 

OH... Weirdest ass thing happened yesterday. Weird because I was just thinking about her (well of course, she's my ex best friend how could I not...). I got a text from Katelynn yesterday saying that if I have a problem with her I should say it to her instead of going to Alan about it (wtf..? I haven't said a word to Alan in months...) and then said something completely off the wall... I'm debating even posting it but I guess because all the bridges are burnt what difference does it make. 

She said "Alan doesn't want to ^&*%, you, nice try..." Woah. Woah.... What? Which is basically what I said in response. I'm like Dude, the last time I talked to Alan was after you dumped me as a friend pretty shortly after you'd dumped him as your boyfriend. I sent him a message saying I was sorry, they ended up back together, and I haven't talked to either of them since. I've never wanted anything to do with Alan that way. I turn down guys all the time here, why the Hell would I want to pursue some guy in the tri cities? I mean among all of the reasons that make that statement just outright crazy. 

Makes me wonder if she was even trying to text me or someone else... She didn't respond when I responded to her a couple hours later basically asking what the Hell was she talking about. I know that shortly before we stopped being friends she became friends with S. Wilson's older sister and might have been trying to text her or something. I don't know... It was just weird. Maybe with a few beers in me I might not be so hesitant to ask her about it..... 

Nice Friday evening. And some of my stupid hangups.

I've been desperately searching around for... I guess more mainstream guitar tabs in standard tuning. So desperate that I actually downloaded some....

Even hearing the word Greenday makes me think of Katelynn's voice going "Blagghhh!" like.. 'so stupid!!' 

Saying that I'm learning something by Greenday would still be embarrassing for me to admit for some reason, I think it's because I liked them in middle school. I've also always felt hung up on learning Red Hot Chili peppers, Beatles and Foo fighters. Lol those are pretty much all of my Mom's favorite band's. I think it more has to do with the fact that these are some of the bands I remember Jack playing a lot.. which at this in my life I've grown up enough that it barely makes my stomach churn anymore. 

It's been a long time since I've mentioned him. I did see him briefly standing outside the library talking to someone (I was on my bike, I don't think he saw me or has seem me all year) so I know that he's still going to school there. I don't even know what the deal is, he's got to be close to graduating. I wish he would. I wish he would graduate and move far away so I don't have to see his face again. 

Lately I feel much more content, like I've fully gotten over most emotions that were once just hindering progress. Regardless of taking some hard courses this quarter I've yet to feel completely out of control or did worse than a C on any tests. That's something. Terry's so funny, he was all butthurt this morning because I didn't go to managerial today. 

He's like "You left me in that boring class alone!" 

Ha ha ha ha, I'm like "Payback's a bitch ain't it?" He skipped Money and Banking twice this week. Tuesday I sent him a text like "Go to class today, I really don't want to go...." When he didn't show up I sent him another text that said "FAG." 

Terry responded, "Sorry I had to eat." So when he sent me a text telling me to get my ass to Managerial yesterday I'm like "Sorry I had to play guitar."

To be honest I haven't gotten as much reading done as I should have the past few days. I've been reading bits and pieces but nothing in comparison to the days that I had my internet down. Facebook wastes a lot of time and I'm hoping to use my time wisely this weekend for some upcoming tests this next week. Sipic posted the test guide of everythinggg that's going to be on the exam that I have like an entire week to study, there's no reason I shouldn't nail this. The only reason I got a C on that last test is because I was lazy.

Alright I'm going to get some reading done. It's 7:30 on a Friday, it's likely that I'll get hit up to do something later tonight so I am going to squeeze in some work now.

peace. 

Out of Tri again.

Hello everyone, hope you're all having a super day.

Today is Samantha's fiance and good friend of mine Shawn Griffith's birthday, he turned 22 today. Happy birthday man, I'm gonna be in that same boat in 8 days. I've noticed turning 22 causes people to get their first queasy feeling about aging because it's one year after the big "landmark adult age" of 21. Shawn doesn't look worried about it and I shouldn't either... Ha ha his ability to enjoy life has always been an inspiration to me. Like today for Shawn's birthday they all bought power rangers shirts for everyone that lives in "House." 

I'm sad that I didn't see Samantha this summer because we were both working and I was always pretty broke because I didn't start working until about late June.... By then I was completely flat out broke and just wanted to recoup some of my losses by not going out much this summer. She knows that I care about her from a distance and want her to be happy though. 

Speaking of friends I've found that having not Katelynn's negative energy in my life has proved to be very productive, as I haven't drank since we stopped being friends. I feel like the timing was right to not be in eachother's lives and I honestly want her to be happy too.

I'm moving out tomorrow. The car's are mostly packed up with my stuff and some nerves are starting to set in. Based on the space predicament Miranda will not be able to come with me tomorrow. My parents have been trying to convince me out of the deal all-together by suggesting that I get a new kitten and that can be "your own cat." Uhm I'm sorry, Miranda's my cat. She's been there in some of the hardest parts of my life over the past few years and brings comfort and relaxation to me every day. I have to have her, a kitten would be a huge ass hassle. But if she does have a really hard time adapting to the new environment, it'd be something I'd consider. 

So yeah, just gotta pack the rest of my crap up... including this computer which I'd prefer to wait on as long as possible. For the most part today I've been unmotivated and packing up this would get the work done faster I'm sure but then what the hell would I do for the rest of the night (ha ha, so selfish right..?). 

Alrighty I'll talk to you guys later. Something tells me if my mom catches me still lazing around she'd be pretty irritated. Wish me luck tomorrow guys, it's gonna be a long day. I'm excited to be out on my own again but making change is always really stressful for me. 

peace. 

F**k it we don't have to be friends... Trust.

Hmm, that was quite a blogging hiatus. I'd mean to sit down and write a few times this week but would always have too much to do to really think about it.

Right now is my first real breath of fresh air after a five day, eight hour work streak.... That's forty hours... I am working full time at JCpenney this summer, what the Hell man. Ugh makes me excited for school to start. I'm hungry for new information and feel guilty that I was unable to read After the Music Stopped as much as I'd liked too this month.. With back to school season at work I've been working so much that it's difficult to find the discipline to sit down and read for recreation....

I've barely had the energy to adequately practice for my recital on the 31st. I've been using Jacob's practice methods this week where I have been taking quick rests in between practice increments and it seems to be working.... But will it be enough, in three days. I will work extremely hard on my days off to feel confident enough to play the entire piece by memory.

Katelynn and I are no longer friends. This time for good. The other night I went over to her friend Zach's apartment and I got a very cold vibe from her all night. I'll back up....

Right before guitar lessons I'd gotten a text from Katelynn asking what I was doing that night and I responded "nothing : )" and was just excited to spend time with her. I'd had a hell of a week, between my uncle Robert dying (his birthday is today), then Jay completely cutting contact which I had already somewhat anticipated from the beginning because of how he is.

**Note: I have no hard feelings for Jay. Now that this is said and done I realize this is the best thing he probably could have done because he's probably going to start working in Oregon. Ellensburg is further away from Oregon then the tri... He works hard enough as it is and probably just didn't see himself driving four hours to see me on the weekends when the school year starts and didn't know how to say it. 

We'll probably cross paths again down the road. Or not, that's life. It's clear that even someone that egotistical can have feelings for me, though being in a relationship with one is a different story.

When I'd brought up Zach to Katelynn she was like, "Oh that guy that's cute but says weird shit and kind of reminds me of Ron Weasley?"

Someone actually took interest in me out of the blue recently... His name is Zach H. and I work with him. I'd seen him around a few times but didn't really take notice because I thought he was like 18. We were texting eachother a lot that night because we were both drinking and wanted to see eachother. So though I feel like Katelynn was looking for a reason to be mad at me that night for something I said or did, it was very hard to pinpoint one because I was acting distant which probably made things even worse.

Anyway, didn't do anything in particular to make Katelynn mad at me, aside from being beautiful and getting attention from guys that she wanted. Hooking up was the LAST thing on my mind that night, which I did vocalize when I had a few drinks in me and I'm sure was a buzzkill for katelynn because I'm pretty sure she was thinking otherwise. Her and Alan are done for good and Alan is saying Katelynn basically needs to move her stuff out... which I honestly don't blame him for because she's only treated him like shit for the past few months-- I mean I witnessed it and it got to the point I didn't even like to hang out when Alan was there because it was awkward.

Anyway Katelynn found the thing that let her break the friendship off for good. I had left my bag in her car and she scowled at me when she lent it to me in the break room. Chad and I went out to find her car and once I got my bag I remember sticking the key in the libby bag. I then accidentally returned the libby back without giving the key back to her, which I then quickly found....

When I found her in the dress department with her key she stormed up to me and said "Give me my fucking key" and then marched off. There was a group of Hispanic girls that work in the dress department that were like "woah...." and chuckled kind of awkwardly. I'm sure I looked pretty confused, smiling there saying "Alrighty then have a good night..." Ha ha ha.

Yeah haven't seen or heard from her since then. Whatever I don't even care anymore, our friendship hasn't been the same since I lost trust in her on 4th of July and I can't stand her negativity and constant cursing anymore.

peace.

sweeeeeeeet emotion.

Goodmorning.

Or I guess it feels like morning to me because I got up at 10:30. Wow I just opened my blinds to get some light in my room and saw my horrendous parking job. The back of my mom's van is like 3 ft away from the curb. Whoops. Anyway yeah just sitting here enjoying my day off.

Found this on one of Beebee890's friend's pages today. I've noticed that other people that really appreciate Brian Thompson's personality have a similar sense of humor and unique taste for weird images that I do.

Last night I passed up the offer to go to the bars with Katelynn. This was a hard decision to make because I didn't have work today and did have the option to go out because it was only 10:30 pm and I was for the most part ready to go. On the other hand I'd had a long week at work and was really looking forward to practicing last night. I chose to stay home.

I've been doing a good amount of practicing on Invention and Anastasia. The recital is coming up August 31 so I've really been cracking down on my practicing. Invention is something I've been working on for months and is incredibly difficult. To get it to the point of mastery that I want it will take at least an hour of solid practice each day.  Anastasia is what I'm going to play for the Christmas concert so I have plenty of time to learn it. This week I've just been focusing on the first page's acoustic chord fingerings-- which Jacob transposed for me from the original tab which was sooo helpful this week. Bravo, I certainly get my money's worth with him.

A sharp is setting up a forum website where we can share tabs and connect with teachers and other students, it's going to be really neat and I'm looking forward to him getting that up and running. 

I'm getting excited for school to start again. I'm looking forward to learning again more than anything. Without being in school I've allowed myself to veg somewhat. Really haven't made too much progress on that book even if it's taught me numerous things this summer. 

Here's some important up and coming things that I need to keep in mind:

-Tomorrow I'm taking photos with my cousins around 6 pm. Meeting @ Teri's house at 5:30 pm. 

-Getting paid on Friday. Should withdraw an extra 40 to pay Jake off for the rest of the month. 

-Buy frozen peaches because I ate all of Avery's.

-Jenee H. going away party on Friday 

Well haven't heard much from Jay this week. Because it's my day off of course I'm hoping that I get a chance to see him but at the same time I feel it's not likely so I'm not anticipating anything. He posted this LOVELY status that said something like "it's a bad sign when you ask for a girls number and she gives you 3 digits." I'm like huh, okay well obviously he hasn't been thinking about me enough to not be trying to hit up other girls. 

I've decided not to text him today. He knows that I'm off, if he wants to see me he'll have to get ahold of me first. We'll see. 

peace. 

Hmm tonight will be interesting.

I have some news. It's 2:00 pm and I still haven't been able to play guitar because a lot has been on my mind.

Katelynn broke up with Alan recently, for good this time. They got back together for like a day but then she found out about an incident that occurred during the time they were broken up and cut it off for good. She's been hanging out with her friend Zach lately, which is totally cool with me because she's probably less stressed out with him than in her apartment with Alan. 

I'm happy that I've never had to have the experience of living with a boyfriend before and then breaking up with him. It would just feel like being married too early in life to me. Of course Katelynn and I had entirely different circumstances growing up. She's been kind of forced to grow up faster from having to clean Jeff's house all the time and taking care of the horses to working at 16 then having to pretty much take care of her Mom when she got divorced when she was 18. There was a lot of reasons that she wanted to get out of her house early.

Anyway Katelynn met someone new and I'm going to meet her at one of the bars tonight. I work a closing shift tonight so I plan to bring a change of clothes with me. I hope this bar that we're going to is a dance place... lol probably not. I've actually been looking up some of the clubs in Seattle that I'd like to make the drive up to next year when I'm living in Ellensburg (*closer to Seattle). I'm also going to try to juggle having a job and going to school next year so that's going to be a challenge but I'm excited for it. 

I've actually started to enjoy dancing a lot now that I've found some rhythm with the guitar. I recently found out that my lack of rhythm initially comes from my father who has no rhythm, lolol. I had to work hard to overcome that but luckily my Jewish side helped me grow out of it. 

So yeah I guess I can dance pretty well now, I mean in comparison to the next white girl shaking her ass. It's nothing to write home about. But yeah dancing is fun! 

Anyway I'm gonna practice while I still can. Work at 7. I no longer dread work. I try to just get 1 credit app a day so that my managers won't bug me about it. It's like once I get one I can chill and clean up the merchandise the rest of the day which is actually not bad.

peace. 

Too corrupt for a child's ears

Hello.

I'm happy to say I feel like I've found my center again. I was feeling kind of out of it for a week after this annoying Eric incident but now I'm feeling a lot more content and excited for the future. One of the main reasons for this is because I've been making a lot of improvement on Invention which has been a major challenge for a long time but I'm going to be able to get it like the back of my hand before the recital in 5 weeks so that'll be awesome.

I have been working my ass off lately because I've been focusing more on my right hand. I realize that my positioning has been wrong since day one now so I've been trying to modify this. Jake has honestly been trying to get this stuff through to me for over a year. For most of our lessons via skype he was unable to effectively show me what I was doing wrong but I feel like I'm seeing it now. 

Now it's just a matter of changing these bad habits, stop letting my hand float above the bridge, etc... 

I got in some good practice time today after having a pretty good night hanging out at Brandon's. I hit him up yesterday because I didn't have work today and wanted to get out of the house. Katelynn was at Lee's Tahitian with Zach but I didn't feel like driving anywhere after I got to Brandon's house. We ended up walking down to the 7-11, getting a couple 40's and watching Django Unchained. 

This is a really good movie. I did find out something horrifying and disgusting by watching this video that they didn't teach us in school. Back before the Civil War some of the rich slave owners had a hobby comparable to today's "dog fighting" between two pit bulls. They show these scene where two men are fighting eachother to death. Isn't that the most fucked up, grotesque shit you've ever heard?

Brandon was like, "Yeah it's hard to believe like, white Americans did that..." I kind of chuckled at that but I know what he means. There's some part of me that feels the same way, though after learning about history of torture in Asian countries there's a huge part of me that is not surprised by the cruelty that has been imposed by humans... and the white man is no less guilty than any other race. 

So it's true, the civil war really was a tragic time. Slavery is disgusting and really shouldn't be taken lightly. I can definitely see why African American people still feel a divide and distrust toward white people even today because this was barely over 100 years ago. People in power do horrible things for their own advantage and satisfaction and people are full of greed. Life isn't fair at all and when a man gets in a position of power and feels impervious to consequence is when potential corruption begins to set in.  

Some people are just born into a life of suffering in comparison to the next and those of us that got lucky should have respect for our fellow man regardless of his or her circumstances. 

I suppose just like the reality of what happened to the Native Americans, dog fighting between slaves was something that wasn't talked about much in school. It's probably one of the most messed up things I've ever heard about in my life and do not plan to research the civil war further anytime soon. Awareness of history is always a good thing though. 

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

Doing things slowly at home

Here's a picture of me from the recital last night.

You try making a cute face when you're focusing that hard, I look a little disgusted, ha ha. Oh well. For a first recital that was fantastic, I barely made any mistakes... The embarrassment I felt from showing up late and falling over the chairs and pissing off the usher for going and getting my guitar too early has passed. Damn so many mistakes I made last night, ha ha. But at least the playing was good!! That's what counts.

I'm getting a big bruise on my wrist....

Katharine's Dad came over and brought his 1985 Rolls Royce.

It looks like the picture above.

Really beautiful, classy car. The interior is genuine black leather with wool floors. He re-did some of the interior wood paneling on the back doors but it looks very near the original wood. He also replaced the speaker system. 

It only has 66,000 miles.

  

Later: 12:12 pm:

Yeah I really haven't done anything today. I've sat around the house watching TV, and I've  got an exam to study for economics tonight. When I get done writing this I am going to start loading up my things, get all packed up then probably put on a drug documentary and begin packing my things.

I mean aside from having to driven a lot the past few days I feel like my batteries have been recharged. It's been kind of nice in some ways to get away from my apartment. I was telling my Mom about the last time me and Kristin had talked (regarding the dishes) and she told me that was over a month ago. 

So yeah, I'll just be kicking it here for awhile, try to get some good study hours in as well as sort of slowly pack up my things in the car. That's how I like to spend my sundays for the most part...

I talked to Jack super briefly last night, like he was out at the bars with "the guys." I'm assuming people he played lacrosse with. Fun fun... I wasn't doing anything particularly interesting and he told me I should go to a bar. I'm like err.... yeah no. Where, the palm? Eeeeww I would never ever step foot into that place. And I definitely didn't feel like driving. . . 

And I don't have any friends in the tri cities that are over 21 really now that Katelynn is gone.Friends that I would want to drink with anyway. You'd be surprised how many of my musician buddies are completely straight edge.

Going to bars is so expensive, and I'm not a huge fan of drinking, so there you go-- I've honestly gone TWICE since I turned 21. 

I haven't talked to Terry all weekend. I'm guessing tomorrow he's going to be kind of a dick to me because that's always how he acts on mondays, then he'll be really friendly for a couple days then act like I don't exist again on Friday. Lol he works in a pattern when it comes to when he flirts with me and it's so predictable it's funny. Basically I think the next time we'll hang out is when we register for classes together. We want to be in the same classes so that we can study together. Period. I really don't think there's anything more than that in our "relationship." It's just a friendship and we're quite competitive and so is he...

In order to keep up with Terry I have to study twice as hard as what I used too, however, which is why I'm going to make sure to get some studying done today at home. The weather is beautiful maybe I will also meditate outside.

peace. 

Lol if college was a pokemon game Terry would be my Rival. 

Wow I have officially compared him to two cartoon characters... Well again thank God he has no real interest in my life and doesn't read my blogs, otherwise that'd be slightly awkward. 

Feeling silly like I'm 10 again.

Here's a song I've been addicted too.. actually this whole album is catchy as Hell. It's my guilty pleasure right now because the lyrics are painfully obvious. But yeah, fun stuff to listen to when I bike to class in the morning.

I called Perkins this morning and got ahold of their manager. Apparently their hiring manager is going to be there tomorrow so I'm going to call after my economics class. Hopefully if I can get this job I can still maintain my guitar stuff, academic stuff, blah blah blah. I've kind of peaked out on the guitar in some ways though. Once I'm done with this recital I'm going to stop beating this song to death and start some NEW MATERIAL.

I'm pumped  because guitar pro came to me in the mail back home. That was kind of the last expenditure that pushed me to start looking for work. I've probably only got $400 in my savings right now-- versus the $800 or so that was in my account earlier this month. It's just really easy to spend when you try to eat healthy, have to pay for guitar lessons and... other things.

Great news! My studying paid off. Here's some numbers:
Total time studied for stats exam, wk 5: 267 minutes total. That's 5 hours. That's the quantitative value of hours it takes for me to get a good grade on a test.... maybe? 
Grade on test: 28/30 yahhooooo!!!

Right now I've got a total A in Statistics. I really want to keep this up. I'm pretty sure I'm falling between an A and a B in economics right now. That class is a bit of a pain to study because of the mass amounts of information. I have a quiz next monday so I'm going to start nibbling away more at that material tonight. I typically move that chair in the living room back and forth once a day because I don't want to feel TOO greedy with it. I have seen my roommate use it to study... once.

I really don't know how she sits in that arm chair in the living room. It looks kind of like this:

The style anyway. Except the butt cushion is more narrow.

She sits in that for hours. I have admittedly never sat in it, it looks super uncomfortable to me to be quite honest. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't care much for her... and I know she doesn't like me too. As the days go by it's getting more comical to me that wow, we really haven't talked all year.  I never in my life thought I could go so long living side by side with someone and not say anything really, yet at the same time haven't WANTED too. 

circa 2012

Katelynn and Zach are friends again. You guys I hope Katelynn never finds these blog entries because she would probably block me on facebook. I feel like this blog has become sort of my outlet to talk about my feelings with this, and because Katelynn has completely cut me out, but I'm of course still interested in her whereabouts and want to make sure to record things that I remember from Katelynn now so I can remember our time together forever. I don't know if I'll ever find someone that I connect with like her. 

...But anyway yeah, Katelynn's friends again with Zach..Someone on this photo commented, "I think you now look different to me!" He has changed quite a bit over the past few years....

Circa 2010. I've heard of Zach for a long time. Zach is one of Katelynn's best childhood friends, and he's quite an attractive guy. He's got a boyfriend named Steven, likes to party hard, and lived a sort of crazy rockstar lifestyle with Katelynn back in highschool. Because this pic was taken in 2010, that's around the time Katelynn and him were hanging out.

Back in 2010 as well...

Katelynn stopped hanging out with Zach for the most part when she was in a relationship with Jon, then briefly got wrapped up with him again, then met Alan... Zach has always come and gone in her life like I have in some ways. Katelynn had told me that she would NEVER hang out with Zach again but I told her that she would because he cares about her like I do. Back then I really couldn't have imagined we wouldn't be friends now. 

Here's another picture that Zach has on his fan page.

Wow, there's Katelynn in the back with this guy named Greg that I remember she crushed on at the time. She and Greg sort of dated for awhile but she was pretty hurt when he didn't want a relationship. This was very shortly before she met John when she was finishing up school at Hanford. Damn, I look at her face in this picture and it looks like she's having an absolute blast.

Sometimes I think about how hard it must have been for Katelynn to break away from the Zach situation. She's done the best she can keeping things stable in her life with Alan, which probably doesn't compare much to the raging parties she used to go to with Zach. I don't know, it's so bizarre that she's out of my life now... I think it's been more than a month now and it still gets to me.

I'm really excited to see if I did better than Terry on the stats exam tomorrow. First thing he asked me when we saw eachother today was how I think I did on the test. It cracks me up how competitive he is but it's given me so much incentive to work harder this quarter. I'm hoping we can work something out so that we have classes together in the spring.

peace. 

made my spine tingle.

 It's been one of those days that the anticipation for something else has made me lazy. Right now I'm waiting for some water to boil, I'm going to make a great cup of tea and study statistics and economics tonight. Sometime this weekend I have to read that Speech book, seriously even if that class is the biggest challenge for me to pay attention to, I need to at least try. I'm sure that book can give me some really good tips on professional speaking...

I've really been trying to get the most out of that speech class. I know that it's going to help me out a lot in the real world because going into business you continually have to communicate with people. The lectures in that class are just awful though because I found that by this point in the day my mind is completely wrapped up in what I'd listened to or experienced earlier and it's hard for me to focus on something that seems less relevant to me because it's from the Comm major.

I should really be happy that I'm getting that opportunity to experience that class that's out of my major though. I'm having a feeling I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people in that class if I could just stop judging people. I know I mentioned the crazy fake tans in that class earlier. I have to try very hard not to do that because it only hinder's people's progress.

And there's nothing wrong with being tan. I mean look at this photo, if I were to get spray tanned on a regular basis that would be about the skin change difference. But it's expensive, lasts a short amount of time, and streaks everywhere... At least on me. 

I think I just associate it with bad times. Like in middle school where my Mom would try to help me present myself decently but I would end up with ridiculous looking streaky half-orange arms from tanning lotion. My Mom and sister have always been able to put that stuff on flawlessly but with my skin it just doesn't sit well. People have actually told me that my tattoo is fading and I need to get it touched up. 

....That makes my spine tingle, I'd like to go do that to feel the needle again.

Is that weird? I just really liked the adrenaline rush from getting a tattoo. I associate it with new beginnings, yet now my tattoo also holds the scar of a lost friendship.

Clint told me he's started talking to Katelynn again, so she's opening back up to people (Alan's friends). Except for me, clearly. That's her choice and I respect her for it, if she wants me out of her life I'm not going to bother her. I was just very worried about her so I was happy to hear that she's talking to Clint again because I want her to have friends. When she deleted me from her facebook she also deleted almost all of her other friends too (Al's friends) but I'd like to think that she's going to be friends with them again and everything will be normal in her life again. I mean minus me. 

I want her to be content. We have so much history together I will always care about her and it scared the shit out of me when she deleted everyone. 

peace. 

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

Efficiency, doing things my way sometimes takes forever.

Enjoy this music. A guy at the computer store was listening to this, great ambient for studying!

Today was a good day for a number of reasons, even if I can't help but be slightly saddened that my break is over. I got my computer back up and running for about $250. Spotify is working again and my computer is running faster than ever. I plan to take better care of it this time. 

My friend and I didn't talk for two days but I got a text from him today so that was nice. I thought he wasn't talking to me because the first couple times we hung out it was slightly awkward. I'm happy to have found someone that can understand me similar to what I feel Katelynn did. He is very intelligent. Filling the void emotionally from what I lost when I lost Katelynn has been something that I'm surprised has been resolved so quickly. 

I didn't end up getting my books or anything like that set up. That's a first day of classes thing, anyway. I am just going to bring my 5-subject notebook. I've been asking God to help me get more efficiency is a human being. I notice that my thought process is often stubborn and makes me do things in an order that I think would be "easiest to hardest" or the most enjoyable in comparison with what is the most efficient route. For instance, in the grocery store I make a list and find each item individually in the order of the list to get a better walk and really look around. Most people would find this incredibly silly and inconvenient. Granted I don't stick to the list perfectly OCD style, but I do take many trips around the store in circles. 

Living on my own has made me more efficient with chores because they are becoming more of a hassle. One of the last days that Katelynn and I spent together it literally took me two hours to do the dishes in my house. I'm not even joking. I was so grossed out by the accumulation of a day and a half of dishes in our house that I had to prioritize which were the dirtiest. Plus I was snacking and making MORE dishes.... Going to the store is no longer so fun for me and I just want to get my stuff and get out. I bought a few things at Fred Meyer the other night when I thought I didn't actually have school until NEXT Monday. Err.... luckily I scrolled down the facebook wall and someone had posted about it. I then texted Trent and got that confirmed. He's like "Uh duh!"

He can't criticize too harshly because I've been without the internet for a good portion of this month. My computer crashed around the 5th or so. Honestly I haven't played much more but I did pay more attention to the intricate detail of my pieces when I wasn't working with the computer screen in the background. I did use youtube on my phone, which was all I really needed to stay sane. I watched episodes of educational reality shows that have leaked onto the internet from the BBC. 

Alright, tomorrow I have a long day, better get to sleep! 

peace. 

My first party with booze (storytime everyone!)

Goodmorning everyone.

It's 9:00 am. A friend of mine texted me at 1 in the morning and I did not fall back asleep. I feel asleep at around 6 or 7. I really would have liked to of exercised but not having my computer has made it a little more difficult. Today is Wednesday which means I have two more days here before I intend to go back (on Friday).

I plan on seeing Kari H. tomorrow! We communicate a lot on facebook and I plan to swing by and talk with her before my guitar lesson. I'd like to get back into the routine if waking up early in the morning.

Life has been quite strange the past couple days. After Katelynn and I stopped being friends I had a hard time believing it was real. I've recapped the entire story of what happened in my head numerous times and as the days pass details are becoming cloudier. I will try to back up to the very beginning, which was the day before the party. It's story time people!

Spring Break Party-- My first party with booze,
Trying to find closure with Katelynn
and the Situation 3/13/2013. 

Prologue: Katelynn and I hung out the previous night and walked around Richland. Things seemed fine, just like any other regular night. I brought over the last of some brownies I had left in the freezer which we enjoyed. They were quite old, admittedly. 

Katelynn and I went to the drive through at McDonalds that night over by Leyte, which I remember Jacob M. worked at for quite awhile. Jacob and I were friends and I liked him for awhile my Sophomore year-- I think after I dated Chino and right before I got my license. Anyway, that's off topic. We went to THAT McDonalds.

I ate a chicken  sandwich and fries. I admitted that it tasted pretty good but when we took a walk that  evening I started to feel sick. Katelynn is applying for a job at McDonalds while she looks for work elsewhere. I understand in her circumstances looking for work in this difficult economy you have to take what you can while you look for work to maintain your lifestyle. 

I feel as though Katelynn might have gotten sick of my problems because they seem petty to her. I can understand that. I don't have to work and I still complain about being nervous about money. My parents have supported me while Katelynn's parents have caused her financial stress since she was 16. I've always respected Katelynn for being more independent than I am and I appreciate her for that.  

Ryan, a friend of Katelynn's who at one time dated Katelynn's other friend Toni. Toni and Katelynn had a falling out and Ryan lost touch with Katelynn somewhere around our Junior year of highschool. Ryan is a really cool guy and plays the drums. 

Behind him is Brandon. I can't remember how Katelynn met Brandon exactly, but I was very happy when they arrived pretty shortly after the RSVP time (8:00). 

 

Katelynn was excited to help me plan for the party the night before and I was really nervous to have the party at all. I guess I'm always like that-- I always think "Oh GAHD nobody's going to show up!!" but people eventually do and I'm a happy camper. Because tonight was my first party with alcohol I was especially nervous. What if people drink too much? What if Jacob shows up and I make an ass of myself?

Katelynn and I cleaned the house... well, predominantly Katelynn cleaned it. I'm not going to lie guys, I am a puss when it comes to being tired. It's really hard for me to wake up if I didn't sleep well the previous night, even if I have a party that day. I slept at Katelynn's house the last night on their couch and I wasn't able to sleep at all so I found I was rather bitchy that night without even trying to be. 

That is, completely unintentionally bitchy. I would never want to hurt Katelynn, ever. I feel like sometimes I just go on bantering about things but I'll end up saying something that could have offended her even if it had nothing to do with her necessarily. 

Katelynn wiped off the counters, vacuumed the living room and probably straightened up the living room while I was.... in my bedroom, with Miranda, trying to sleep so that I didn't act feel and unintentionally act like a moody, lathargic bitch all evening. At around 8:00 Katelynn's friend Ryan showed up, who is the bearded gentleman in the picture. We all had fun hanging out and chatting for about an hour and a half before anyone else showed up-- but needless to say I was a little nervous when 9:30 was rolling around and nobody else had showed up yet. 

One of the things I said that probably offendid Katelynn: "Why isn't anybody showing up!" I must have said this 3 or 4 times... It's not like I in any way meant that Katelynn and her friends aren't somebody to me. I was just as excited to have them there as everyone else. I was just thinking of how bad it would be if nobody that Jacob knew had showed up to my party and how lame it would be to say, "Err... yeah I tried to plan that buttttt...."

Brandon and Ricky were the next to arrive. I was sort of surprised they showed up, they brought a couple six packs too. That night I had bought a 28 can-box of Coors light, I believe-- I'm not that particular. 

 

Then Glenn and Adolfo showed up, and shortly after Rhiannon, Kevin and Sheldon M. When Jordan S. showed up with his girlfriend I was like, yay! This is officially a party. I felt there was a respectable amount of people to not be considered a "kickback"-- which is impressive to me because usually Benton City is such a far drive nobody wants to come out here.

Samantha and Shawn were invited but were unable to make it because Shawn had to work in the morning. Josie originally told me she wasn't going to make it because she had a final the next day but then showed up shortly after Joan and Jared. 

 There's me and Josie. As you can see we're wearing practically matching attire unintentionally, ha ha. Basics are the best clothes. Anyway she dropped in briefly, we talked about college and kind of joked around with Joan and Jarred before they left too. Joan must be on spring break too. He lives in Pullman. Josie is currently going to cbc and will graduate in good time. She didn't do running start in highschool so I'm pretty sure she's in her second year there. 

 

Anyway the night rolled on. We got more drunk. I tried to hang out and talk with everyone at one point or another so I didn't spend the whole time with Katelynn. I figured she was having a good time because she was hanging out with the friends that she'd brought. 

As people started to leave I started to move the party outside because my sister had class in the morning. As you can see I sat down next to Katelynn and asked her friend to take these pictures. Again, thought we were having a really good time. 

Fast forward to after the party. It's the day after and I'm exhausted hanging around the house all day. I get a text from Katelynn asking if I was busy-- and I wasn't, really. That morning I'd seen Rhiannon briefly and we walked around town for a little bit before she went to work. She had told me about a party she was going to and told me she would talk to Sheldon about me coming.

When Katelynn asked what I was doing I told her I might hit up Connor (granted I had tried but he didn't get back to me. I haven't seen him a pretty long time) but then later said I was planning to go to bed after all.

That day my Mom informed me that Katelynn had posted a status about like... 'so much for my friends being there for me' or something along those lines. I didn't see the post because my computer has been broken and I was using my cell phone which cut back my facebook contact reliability pretty significantly. 

The next day Katelynn texted me saying she didn't want to be friends anymore with no real explanation other than that she felt the only time I was listening to her was when we were talking about me. 

I would have to disagree but this is the way that she felt and she has every right to cut me out of her life. I just have a hard time believing it.

Forward: Messaged Sarah on facebook the day of the text messages. She told me that Katelynn does this unexpectedly, which I'm aware of, but I never thought it would be me. I thought I would continue to be the constant variable in her life. But times are changing, our lives are changing... And she wholeheartedly meant what she said and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm just trying to move forward. Without my best friend I feel rather empty. She was a person that I grew up with in many ways, our personalities developed together through adolescence. I'm going to miss her.

peace.

Just like that, my life takes a drastic turn.

I've been avoiding writing today because it makes me sick to even think about it. That, and typing on my Mom's computer is a huge pain. I lost a friend today.



I felt as though part of me had died this morning when Katelynn told me out of the blue that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She sent me a text at 9 am: "Take those pictures down." Initially confused, I thought it was for her job interview. She told me no, that she feels our friendship should be over, and that for a long time things have felt very "one sided" and she's tired of making an effort.

Taken last night at Sheldon's birthday party that Rhiannon had invited me too. I had also seen Rhiannon at my party two days ago and at the coffee shop yesterday. We've become better friends since RadCon recently but more than likely we'll end up losing touch until summer.

I started crying, embarrassingly enough because I was surrounded by practical strangers on my friend Sheldon M.'s living room couch. These guys are really nice, though. I was super shocked though, like my body felt sort of numb and my head ached from drinking the night before. I had gone into town to buy my Dad some Matrix hair gel but didn't find it at three places. I ended up buying a generic version at Sally's and he yelled at me for that tonight. I don't blame him, he gave me $100 and I spent all of it... $35 of which for my own stupidity.

I locked my keys in my car last night and had to call a tow guy to come open my car door. When he showed up I had been crying for about an hour. I told him not to come until 10:15 and I was even struggling going home.

A couple people that were at the party didn't know why I was making such a big deal about it because some friends get in fights and make up quickly. Katelynn and I have had our ups and downs. She's stopped being my friend for a period of time and then we've picked up again. Some of my most vivid memories have been spent with Katelynn-- from the System of a Down concert, the Coheed concert, the tons of nights hanging out watching Southpark and Netflix enjoying eachother's company... It's always loved being with Katelynn, she's one of the primary reasons I come home.

Of all the things in my life I never thought that would be threatened. I thought we were going to be "friends forever," and I know that sounds clique but I really did get my tattoo on the back of my neck to prove that. Like granted they're not the same tattoo, and now I'm really glad Katelynn and I did not get tattoos together.... I've come to realize that relationships change in life.

My heart still hurts. I find myself considering the things I've said and wondering if there were signs. Just the other day I told her I loved her. She posted a status about me. I actually texted her to apologize for not "liking" it within a day because my computer's been busted. Who would do that if they didn't care. I also brought her some clothes she'd left at my house the other day even if the trip was kind of out of my way. I try to put effort into our friendship, I always did to the best of my ability.

But the more I think about it the more I realize maybe things weren't quite perfect in our relationship even if I failed to realize it. Katelynn told me to take our pictures down on facebook but I refused because the photos are special to me.

We haven't necessarily talked with her any less since I've moved off to college. In fact I'd say I am home on average more than most people. I said this to Katelynn and she says she definitely understands being busy and it's the time we spend together that has bothered her lately. What's sad is that she hasn't told me anything. I always told Katelynn to tell me if something bothered her, but she said it's been a number of things. There's nothing in specific.

I've just felt crazy all day-- very tired, lightheaded, lazy and unproductive. I only practiced for 40 minutes... And I feel for the first time in years that I have nowhere to turn. Aside from my Mom that is, but I have always felt like I can tell Katelynn things that I can't tell my other friends and family. 

Which means this blog will need to become even more of an outlet for me. These entries will probably become more frequent and longer. If that's a problem for anyone that's too bad, without Katelynn to talk to it's inevitable that I will need this blog and the support of many to get through it. 

Thinking back to my party, I'm I've been trying to put together the pieces as to what broke the camel's back in our friendship, and some of the leading occurrences.... How about I just start out by telling you about my party. 

I will make a seperate entry for this.

peace.

Avery's graduation is on June 1st. Note to self, figure out school schedule.