The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

Pretty open and shut obvious.

Well today was a really productive, relaxing day up until this evening when I checked my e-mail to see that Jake had gotten back to me.

As expected a couple invoices and warnings had been received through my electrictrictric email but because MSN is a b*tch and for some stupid reason is convinced that I am not really me and won't let me back in I did not receive any of these messages. I did get a call from Andrew a little over a week ago asking me to opt in to an automated payment system. I told my Mom about this and she said she couldn't do that right now and would pay him a little later. I didn't think about it and Jake hadn't mentioned it to me at the beginning of February so I figured we were going to pay him in the second week of February as usual. 

He attached the two warning emails he sent to my currently unusable email. He told me that because of this disruption we're going to discontinue lessons. This hurt me a lot because had I have known it was such an inconvenience of course I would have made more of an effort to get it paid at the first of the month. 

I feel really forsaken and sad. I was really starting to improve at Turkish March and was excited envisioning how incredible it would sound by the recital in May. Now that this has happened I feel even more determined to learn it but disappointed that I won't have a recital to perform it at. Now I guess it's up to me to sign up for open mic nights and things like that if I want to perform. 

Jake taught me so much... In a lot of ways he's helped me build the confidence to get where I am today. I can't thank him enough for how much I've improved on the guitar, time management, and coping with life. The thought of no longer having that mentor in my life was what broke me down today most of all. But maybe it's time. Maybe I've gotten all out of lessons with Jake that I can. 

Plus I still have of the material he's sent me over the passed couple years. Some of it I had no use for a year ago but I bet I could crack it now. I can continue to improve without taking lessons for awhile and eventually move on to a new teacher. 

I did send one final plea earlier to try to resolve this but I know deep down it's time to accept that it's over, not only because I know how Jake is when he makes up his mind about something but because I know that there's more to this than what's on the surface. I know it bothers his girlfriend that we talk at all-- I mean I can see why, I'm gorgeous, intelligent, talented musician and physically fit. And nice. Finding a girl that likes metal is cool but one that plays metal is like finding a f*cking unicorn. But I have zero interest in Jacob romantically and have never flirted or anything like that. I really wanted to befriend his girlfriend from day 1 because I wanted her to be able to see my character and that I would not go there. (But I think seeing my character somehow made her hate me more, ha ha ha... )

Whatever happens, happens. All I know is I'm going to sleep well tonight because I did a good job finishing my management assignment early and tomorrow I've got my favorite class. I think I should also try to meet up with Sipic if I can get up early enough. He said he's got a plan to squeeze in a business minor with my economics degree-- I think it means I've gotta take some supply chain in the Fall... easy!

"Back straight, eyes forward, shoulders back."
My mom told me this is how you walk with confidence and should do so all the time.
I've been reminding myself to do this all week to improve posture and hopefully after awhile it will be second nature.

peace. 

Biggest party of the year.... ((Radcon 2014))

Damn, it's been a week. I've certainly got a lot to say. *That being said this could be quite long.

That being said I'll start with today and go backwards. Radcon was good, as was valentines day and I'd like to leave on a good note. I've got a few pictures from the con that didn't make the cut on my facebook but I'll show you here as well.

Today has been pretty crappy for a number of reasons. When I came back from home in B.C. I brought a bottle of Monarch vodka (really cheap, shitty stuff.. and I'm not even a vodka fan), you know, for the occasional boring night. Yesterday happened to be one of those days after completing an econ exam and having no homework. I took a couple shots of it while I snacked around the house and then I biked to the gym. There I worked out for a couple hours before returning to cook dinner (because of course I was starving after working out) and went over to my neighbors house around 9. There I hung out and drank a little more, apparently enough to make me pretty hungover this morning.

It's funny I thought for a minute I was impervious to hangovers but obviously cheap liquor and I don't mix. Also I know it probably doesn't look great for me to be drinking on a wednesday night, but for those of you that don't know I don't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays this quarter which is giving me way too much spare time. I've just gotta keep applying to jobs. I checked a Subway that my friend Kate told me she knew the manager of and said she thinks they'd be hiring. The manager said they weren't and didn't know Kate so I'm wondering if she meant a different one in town.

Another reason today was hard was that Jacob wasn't online for our lesson again. Last week I figured he was having problems with Skype, but I've seen him online throughout this week so now I'm wondering if something else is going on. Last week I posted a status that said: "Here's to another f*ck valentines day!" and Jake's girlfriend immediately commented "I love valentines day : )" (like "I have a boyfriend on valentines day and you don't, ha ha") I kind of cracked up because my friend Brad "liked" it,  it was so snide and obvious. Anyway I ignored it and didn't think anything of it really. Come to find out today she deleted me on facebook (fine, whatever I don't really know you anyway)..... but then Jake doesn't show up for my lesson? I'm hoping to God the two events have nothing to do with eachother, and knowing Jake there is a reasonable explanation.

Okay let's move onto a happier subject, shall we? Radcon. Sunday and Monday aren't really worth talking about much because they were mainly spent recovering from this event. Luckily Monday was presidents day so I didn't have class. Sh*t this quarter has enabled me to have too much fun. Partying this weekend did come with a price, though.. I didn't do well on a recent management assignment because I slept in too late on Monday and I'm starting to wonder what I'm getting in that class. I need to buckle down and finish strong so I don't end up with some "C" on my report card.

I tried calling Johnathan when I got to the con but he wasn't picking up his phone. I was running sort of late (got there at around 5:30 pm when I'd originally planned to be there at 2... ha ha that day I'd slept in at Connor's house until 1) but my mom helped me get ready and looking pretty fabulous. My Batgirl costume was a hit and I was getting compliments from strangers immediately. 

My evening at the con started out at the Grizzly Bar (being 22 and old enough to drink at the con for the first time that's a big shocker, right..?). I hadn't planned on spending almost all of my money within the first couple hours but the entry pass was $40 and I had to put $20 in my tank. With $40 for the rest of the event I figured it'd be a bad idea to blow the better half of $10 on a fancy mixed drink so I ordered a beer on tap. It wasn't long before a guy dressed as darth vador walked up and started talking to me. 

He turned out to be a friend of Kate R. so I joined their table and had a great time catching up with her. Kate is a really sweet, positive person in my life. She's one of the few girls I can say really trust and has been chill with me since day 1 back in highschool. Her friend bought us a couple rounds of beers, that was really nice! 

Shortly after leaving the bar I saw my regular radcon crew. I say this because we usually hang out and dance together every year. Rhiannon and I would always do a lot of mingling with people and I was always keeping an eye out for Jay. Jay wasn't there this year but I did see his friend Griffin and a lot of the other people I knew from CBC back in 2010. Jay wasn't on my mind at all this year, that time we spent together this summer was a dud and that was the end of it for us. 

Rhiannon and I didn't hang out this year as much as previous years, I was more all over the place and didn't stick with one group of people for long. We did all dance together at the rave though, that was a good time. The DJ didn't many radio songs, it was more techno remixes. I danced and twerked my ass off, I was there to have fun and had a good buzz going. Dancing for a few hours kind of took that buzz away though and around 1:45 am I was ready for a shower and lay down. 

I got to the room and there was a TON of people in there... I was like wooah and was looking for a place to change. I moved my stuff under the sink and started pulling a change of clothes out when Zach's brother and a tramp push passed me to have sex in the bathroom. I ending up changing clothes in the closet. You know me, I hate wet, yucky clothes and I didn't want to change where anyone could see me. Afterward I began the difficult process of removing my eyemakeup that was practically glued on while I overheard the chaos in the bathroom continue. 

I went back into the main room where there was still drinking and a couple guys doing tabs. I'm like uhh, is this a smoking room? They were asked to leave pretty shortly after. There was another guy that stayed in our room not pictured here that was really pissed off about the people  that came to our room and kept on cursing and going on about it over and over so finally I'm like "Shut up dude, who cares they're gone!" He had this sort of "wiseguy" attitude about him and I thought he was a complete idiot. 

I was lucky I came in when I did and didn't stay until the end of the rave because I was able to claim a bed. At this point John and Andrew's brother were completely drunk, passed out on the next bed. I claimed the spot on the bed next to John's friend Zach and I'm so glad I did because of course nobody brought extra bedding. Poor Andrew did not have a comfortable night. Red Lions beds are fabulous, they're like sleeping on a marshmallow. 

Before bed some of us that were still up went downstairs to get pie at 3:14 am (3.14, pie, get it..? hehe...). I love cherry pie, it was delish. Great ending to a great night. 

Sunday morning I was able to pick out a neat snake necklace from my favorite jewelry vendor-- I think Black Cat Jewelry and Crafts is the name of the vendor. Anyway they have a load of cool necklaces to pick from and I've made it a tradition to buy one every year. Last year I got that celtic cross which I realized was way too masculine and pagan looking after wearing it out a few times. This year I got this beautiful, elegant snake. I'll have to get a picture wearing it one of these days. 

And last but not least how I spent valentines day. Hot tubbing and watching the Matrix with one of my  best buddies. I wouldn't want it any other way, bah haha....

peace. 

Metallica is in my soul

Hello.

Well it's 10:25. I had a pretty good day at work and came home and got in some really solid practice time. My practice sessions have become more structured like they were last summer and I am able to fully focus on what I'm working on. Unfortunately there are a lot of songs that I want to play around with but
I should really be focusing on Master of Puppets. I don't know when that recital is but I hope not any time too soon... It's been super fun to learn so far.

Today work was rather tedious and slow paced but it gave me a better chance to get a hang of the register. I got two credit card apps today so I'm pumped. There's incentive for me to do well because it gets me more hours. More hours = more money. My Dad likes to buy his t-shirts at jcpenny anyways so I'm going to have him do a "Findmore" and have it shipped to the store... lol so silly. The way I see it the company doesn't care who's buying the stuff and he'd buy the damn things anyway.

Here's me looking goofy this morning before work. dur dur dur... 

Anyway went into work this morning at like 11'. There's nothing up saying where I need to be so I went to Kids because that's where I was hired originally. I met a couple of the ladies that also worked in kids who honestly weren't as talkative to me as my previous coworkers I've met which is kind of nice. 

No hating though, seriously!! I want to go back to working downstairs in Women's dresses. But being upstairs has let me get used to the register. So that was a good choice today I feel even if I did miss working with my buddy Kevin, ha ha ha.

Lmfao, I need to tell you guys about Kevin.

He's this kid that got hired at the same time that I did. I added him on facebook and this is the picture that stood out to me the most... ha ha ha. Yeah he was a male cheerleader back in the day. That's intense though, that's a real sport. I mean check that girl out on top, that takes major athleticism. Anyway he's 17 and just graduated highschool. Very sweet person and apparently really smart. He's kind of goofy though and we crack eachother up.

ANYWAY. We both showed up to work kind of early so we were just chatting about whatever for about 20 minutes. I told him a little about myself and my hobby and tried to guess what he was into. He told me that he Didn't really have any hobbies because he was always sort of shadowed. I was like seriously? Idk, I guess I was sort of in the same boat. I immediately told him that he should take up an instrument with A sharp and went on about a schpeel about how it's helped everything in my life and yadda yadda yadda...

Seriously when I'm talking about where I get guitar lessons I think people might get the impression I'm trying to get them to join a cult. I'm just so serious about what people like Jake have openned my eyes too. I feel like musicians like Luke Jaeger, John Petrucci, Kirk Hammitt, chimp spanner, John Satriani, Michael Romeo, etc etc the list goes on and on.. All these guitarists have metal running through their blood and it brings together souls that know real pain. And even if it's not metal-- I mean most great guitarists play loads of genres just for the Hell of it.... guitar is just something magical. It's complete euphoria for me to be able to just be able to practice all day lately.

Luke actually lives in Seattle, so there could be a possibility of getting in touch with him.

I don't actually know him aside from through Jake. He's an outrageous guitar player. like Insanely blow your f*cking head off good. I want to know all about his story and how he got to this point and eventually would like to get some lessons from him if I move up that direction. It's not likely that he's going to stick around Seattle for that long though. He gives Skype lessons like Jake but he probably charges higher because I'm sure he doesn't even like teaching.

No, okay lemme back up... I'm not saying he wouldn't be a crazy good teacher. I'm just saying a lot of guitar players actually don't like teaching the basics. I've only been playing for two years and Jake has taught me a ton and still has a lot to teach me. Like before I stop taking lessons with Jake I need to know all the notes on the fretboard like the back of my hand, know way more scales, go back to working on arpeggios, different types of chords... There's still a ton of stuff that we haven't covered that I know Luke would probably be bored with. Luke teaches only other professionals. Jake enjoys teaching students that are more experienced as well. 

I've just been consumed by guitar and work lately. That's it guys. 

peace. 

Teaching, and more on Prozac

Evening everyone. 

Today's been a pretty good day for a number of reasons. It's always a good day when my work pays off. Last week I managed to break up my studying into multiple days and it really paid off when I took my midterm today. I think I did pretty well, out of the 50 questions there was only a few that I was pretty unsure about. I even corrected a couple dumb mistakes so that was good.

I usually don't review my answers after I take a test. The reason being is that I know that if I do so I'll end up second guessing myself and more likely than not changes a good answer into a bad one. Therefore it's wiser for me to not look over the test. I didn't expect the econ test to be this morning because I'd wrote Wednesday on my calendar. I luckily did study this weekend so I think it paid off.

Also, I got a 9.5/10 on my finite test. I'm really stoked about that because that means I'm actually getting this material. The probability stuff can be so difficult to wrap your head around for some reason. I'm still managing to keep up considerably well in a class I thought would be a nightmare for me. I'm not looking forward to Statistics at all. I want to take a guitar class but there doesn't appear to be much offered. It's a shame they cut the guitar program a couple years ago.

I didn't make many changes to my synthesis that I printed out tonight. I thought the paper was really good to begin with. I'm not looking forward to getting my critique back tomorrow, yet I'm not worried about it. English 102 is a prerequisite to Technical writing, which I'm going to try to get into tomorrow. I'm going to go apply for my major tomorrow. 

I had my second lesson with Hassan this evening! It was so exciting to see his improvement over the last week. He practiced every single day this last week for at least 40 minutes. I feel like practice schedules really are the key to success.

I got my finite math homework done and even made a video that I had been thinking about making for awhile. 

This is a video I made about prozac. I was meaning to do an updated video about anti-depressants because I had previously made one about Wellbutrin... which turned out to be pretty awful. 

peace.

So happy to have had fun tonight

Today started out rough but ended really good for a number of reasons. 

After getting the news about Gerardo and feeling like I wasn't going to have anything to do this weekend, I decided to go home. Shortly after I'd told Katelynn I was going back Allie had texted me saying she was going to a shooting range and wanted to invite me along. Kind of torn I decided it'd be the best idea to try to have some fun in Ellensburg for once and just come home next weekend...

So I woke up this morning thinking Allie and I were going to go shooting. She texted me saying her and her friend rode up there and discovered "the shooting range is full, sorry!" I didn't even respond, I was so frustrated. This was at about 12:00 PM, I probably wouldn't have left much earlier had I not made other plans but by that time I was definitely ready to go. Escape from this silent apartment. I shoved a bunch of junk in an overnight bag and left. Even if it's just for a night and tomorrow being home for the weekend will get me through.

I just can't handle sitting alone in that apartment all weekend, which is what I know I'd be doing if I was there. Allie's hanging out with a bunch of girls that we'd met at that party last night. I wouldn't have even gotten an invite, I haven't heard from her all day. 

On the bright side, though, I got home safe and Katelynn and I hung out all evening. We went to Winco and I did a little grocery shopping. Some of the selection here I can't get in Ellensburg without spending a fortune at Fred meyer. I spent about 60 bucks on that, then got Katelynn and I some jumbo slices of pizza before we left. 

When we got back we smoked a little and danced in my sister's room (shh) to Nicki Minaj on her jumbo TV with the Wii. Then we went out in the kitchen and took those pictures above, just screwing around and laughing, watching king of the hill... I had such a great time tonight.

AND! Really good news, I got ahold of Jacob about rescheduling our lesson time and he said he might be able to figure something out for Mondays. That would be perfect for me and would allow me to go to the SHRM meetings, and there's one in the following week. So between going to group therapy twice this next week, the meeting and probably getting my guitar piece scanned on Monday, this should be a good week.

I just wanted to be comfortable and enjoy myself this weekend. Too often I feel uncomfortable in the silence of that damn apartment.... especially when Kristin's completely gone. Even if Kristin and I don't talk much knowing she's there on the weekdays makes it a little more lively. 

This writing might be a little screwy, I drank a big glass of wine earlier and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in quite awhile. It just feels nice to be home. I explained to my mom that regardless of the fact that it's 200 miles getting back and forth between here and Ellensburg, it's really the only way I could keep my sanity on the weekends if things don't change. I'm happy I live close enough to have this option. I'm not going to say I can't stand that school because the weekdays are fine for the most part... it just feels like school to me and I have a ton on my plate to do and think about. But on the weekends I just want to get the Hell out of there.

It was snowing when I left, I wonder how it'll be when I come back tomorrow evening.

peace. 

And I won't be feeling hollow for so long.

Classes today were fine, I did get to sleep in an extra hour this morning because I remembered that English class is only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I didn't remember this on Tuesday and had that lovely realization showing up to an empty classroom.

I was almost late to economics. I'm usually one of the last ones to show up in that class for some reason but I'm always on time. We continue to learn about demand curves and how price and other factors can effect it. Raise in price doesn't SHIFT the demand curve... only other factors do-- like.. uh... Customer preferences, I think growing population of people buying it.. something like that. I don't know why I'm sharing this with you guys. That's something that's really important for me to remember for the next quiz on Tuesday. Carbaugh's an awesome teacher, I really want to do well in that class so I'm going to study hard for that quiz this weekend.

This is Jessie, the girl I sit next to in two of my classes. I like her, she's really sweet, pretty and cool. I'm looking forward to getting to know her more this quarter. I'm also planning on texting Eli tomorrow and hopefully get a chance to hang out with her this weekend. Actually it would be cool to hang out with Jessie at some point this weekend too but because we see eachother for two hours a day in class, 5 days a week I almost feel like bugging her on the weekends would be too much, ha ha ha.

Anyway after finite we went to have lunch in the SURC. I haven't eaten there in forever. I got a quesadilla, like I always do. It's $6. It's huge. I can never finish it unless I'm absolutely starving and stressed out. A couple of her friends came up, a guy and a girl that look a little younger than me. I do not remember the names of either but they both had big personalities. The girl was wearing bright lipstick, very accessorized, kind of loud but still fun. The guy looked about half Asian and was also very loud, so they sort of yelled over eachother. Jessie's not this way but she's still good at talking/listening. I think loud people tend to find quieter friends. Maybe I am a loud person... I don't feel as loud at school as I do at home.

Another guy walked up to the table a little later. He's really tall, strikingly attractive (to me anyway, I don't know), and Jessie had told me he was a music major before he sat down. She also told me he's 25. I began to chat with him. Jessie and her two friends were having their own conversation that I couldn't really get into because I didn't know anyone they were talking about. They seemed to know a lot of people that walked by, though. 

Alan and I talked about well, music, obviously. He sings. He knows a wide variety of music-- he knew every single band I mentioned, even knew who John Petrucci was. I did make sure to stop myself from blah-blah-blah-blah'ing as I tend to do when I get into talking about the extent of my guitar obsession. I tried to ask him more questions and listen. 

It took me awhile to realize he had an accent, maybe because the SURC is loud. He comes from Scotland and he's doing his masters degree at Central. I originally asked if he was Canadian. D'oh!

Anyway, that made my day a little more interesting. Aside from that I studied Finite math for two hours, practiced guitar for about 90 minutes, and had a good lesson with Jake. He sent me some handouts last week that I completely disregarded and I'm going to make sure to look into those this week. One of which is a packet that states "How to improve guitar technique" and he wrote it himself. 

Jacob puts an incredible amount of work into what he does. I'm so, so incredibly lucky to have such a good teacher and mentor in my life. 

peace. 

Here's a song I've absolutely loved lately.

I discovered Nevermore recently. Such crisp guitar in this band. Some of the lyrics are a little meh but the singing itself is superb. Always nice to find a new band. 

It's no longer a distraction, it's what I truly love.

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm still feeling kind of sad this evening, unfortunately. I want these feelings to go away.. I want to forget about Jed, forget that this whole thing happened. I of course feel like I was in a much better position BEFORE Jed entered my life because back then I hadn't found anyone that I was particularly interested in. I felt like that crush on Jed opened a pandora's box of emotions that I now have to deal with now that he's gone.... 

Last night at around 9 when I was actually feeling better about the situation I get a text. By then I'd deleted Jed from my contacts list as well as the threads that we had going back and forth because I've learned to get rid of reminders. He'd somehow resent me the same text that said "Hey uhm sorry but..." etc etc. The message that originally made my heart feel like it dropped into my gut. I immediately replied, "What the hell." Not because I didn't know it was a resend, but because I was frustrated that I got it. I think I still felt I had to get some things off my chest even if I didn't realize it at the time... He immediately replied "??" and I said "Nevermind you didn't mean to send that."

He didn't reply to said message until this morning, which he said "Send what?!" which... I don't even know, I think he shouldn't have texted me and let it go. I just told him it was just a random message that wasn't meant to be sent to me. He's like "Lol that alright no big deal." or something like that, I'm like "..Yeah..." then he replied "Lol." At this point I'm like, okay go away.... 

And note that this was after all the pain I'd dealt with last night and trying to deal with this in the most mature manner possible. I ended up getting angry that he was texting me at all and I said "Stop. I feel like you're taunting and it's pissing me off." or something along those lines. I don't really know what I meant. I just felt irritated that I was feeling these emotions again in the morning, I was of course crying by this point just for the  reason that I was talking to him and was reminded of the emotions I'd felt the previous night.

He's like "Wow this is the last time you will hear from me." This of course lead me to balling, I did not want things to end on that note at all. I just want to handle things maturely. I decided to just tell him the truth of how I felt about the situation. 

I told him in so many words, "Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you and I don't want things to be awkward between us if I do see you around campus or wherever. I've just been sad because I didn't expect you'd cut things off so suddenly because I really did like you..." I also briefly mentioned the other girl situation, and how I'd had a feeling he'd been talking to her for awhile in the first place and for that reason I wished we hadn't of gotten as close as we did.

He replied that basically he's really sorry for any pain he'd caused, and that we probably shouldn't have rushed like we did. He told me he hadn't been talking to that girl before but they were old friends so they met up at a party and hit it off. 

It's gonna take a lot of guitar to drown out this loneliness over the next week or so until I get back to my normal equilibrium of numbness. 

Sigh... I'm happy I know the truth now, and happy that I at least got a chance to state my case with him. 

Enough about that. Time to move on with my real life.

I figure I should just tell you guys now. I can't give you the details but I'm excited to say that I will be getting lessons again! I'm... not going to disclose who exactly, for certain reasons... Ugh, this person is so incredibly important in my life I would not want to somehow disclose this information and cause him to think I violated his trust. 

But yeah, everything is going to be alright. I think a lot of this panic has actually been attributed to not taking lessons. It's something I hold dear to me. I'm going to improve immensely as a guitarist over the next couple years because with my teacher being the level that he is the possibilities are endless. Thursday at 5:30 is going to be my new time to look forward too. 

So that's it! I'm going to start to get this anxiety under control. I've started to spend a bit more time actually hanging out with Kristin and periodically watching TV with her. It sort of relaxes me to not know what's going on in a television show. I'll just pop in when she's watching there, eat some food, go back to my room. Maybe chat about something totally irrelevant to school like what's going on the TV. It's really relaxing, I can see why people like to sit around and watch TV together... 

Though personally I've never been a fan. Especially now that I'm into music, sitting and watching TV for an extended period of time is unappealing because I'd rather practice. 

peace. 

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

Everything has changed....

..But at the same time nothing's changed.

Here's my right side of the room, as you can see this will be where I spend a great amount of time.

I'm still sitting here at a desk, on the computer. Played guitar for 90 minutes and it's only 7:42 PM, got all my scales, arpeggios, picking and chords done which means it's time to PLAY! I'm only going to play 40 more minutes though unless I get some paperwork done for my business. I think the first thing I should get done is my flyers. Get some students lined up. Maybe I should post an internet ad first. 

Before I do that though I need to figure out what times I'm going to schedule students.. there's still a lot of work that needs to be done before I can get this off the ground but I just need to buckle down and get it done. I'm also going to need to find a place that has a copier. I figure if I make one general starting packet then I can make copies of the pages for each student that I book. 

I just have keep telling myself that I AM good enough for this. Neilsen might've had a broader spectrum then me but he was a terrible teacher and still managed to get students. I'm going to put way more effort into my lessons than Neilsen, Aaron or Brian ever did... Jacob has just created very high expectations in myself. I want to give lessons that are as thorough as those that were given to me but this won't happen overnight. I can only try my best and realize that I'm going to make mistakes.

Same goes with my business degree here at Central. I've just gotta study hard, if I study every day it doesn't matter how difficult the material is, I can do this if I set small goals and milestones to get there. During my previous lesson with Jacob he actually sat down with me and wrote down a goal setting process where you can write down your long term, short term, 90 day and 30 day goals and then the small steps you're going to take today to get there. When you look at this goal sheet before bed, these long term goals stick in your mind at night and your brain focuses in on them subconsciously. The next day you feel that much more inspired to set new goals to accomplish your overall goals. 

My whiteboard on the side wall describes my daily goals. Every day when I get up in the morning I will write down my goals for the day and it will serve as a constant reminder of what I need to get done and how to really live for each day to my full advantage. 

I know that all this goal setting seems crazy, but it's really my way of holding together right now. This transition has been a lot for me already. Yesterday the move in was easy enough, aside from the fact that we're on the third floor and had to haul tons of stuff up three flights of stairs. I'm very happy with my living situation, though!

My room is BIG! I'd say it's a third bigger than my room at home in all directions. It's even tall, the slanted ceiling makes me feel like I'm in a ski lodge. This room has excellent feng shui, I was able to set up everything with ease with my immense amount of storage space. My parents were so smart about getting me set up to live on my own. There are so many things that I didn't even realize I use from a day to day basis that my Mom remembered to buy. My parents have done so much for me these past 20 years and I look forward to an incredible 20 more but it really was time for me to leave the nest. 

We were all really sad initially, my Mom called and talked about the emptiness in the house and that it's really strange not having me there. I agree, I feel strange not being there. Everything is quiet. My roommate and I are just roommates. I'm not really interested in creating a super close friendship with her because I think that would just create problems and co-dependency in the long run. I also think we already have a very good mutual respect for eachother's space, privacy and stuff. Things really couldn't get better on that end but obviously I want to meet some new friends and have people over soon. 

I feel comfortable here, I'm not really nervous about my classes or anything. I do feel lonely at the moment because I don't really know anybody yet nor have I made a huge effort to meet people. Reason being hardly anyone's here yet, the official move in day is tomorrow so people are going to be hauling all there crap in every direction. This seems like a good day to do my laundry, there's going to be a lot of people around versus this afternoon where it was very desolate everywhere you turn. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow! I did get my parking permit today so that's taken care of. My parents are coming up on Saturday to deliver some stuff I need and figure out the deal with financial aid. I sort of screwed up because I told Housing that I'll be paying for my apartment with my student loans but my parents don't want to do that, they'd rather just pay it out of pocket and avoid that expense later. Obviously I like the second option better but I already messed up my files and it's probably going to be a huge pain to change it back later in the week. 

I've spent a lot of money since I got here.. I'm sure I'm down to $140 by now from my payday last Thursday. My parents are going to help me out though. I'm hoping that I'll hardly have to ask once I get the ball rolling with lessons.

peace. 

I've been spoiling myself, really.

New video I posted today about shopping from ebay. Funny, I've been over the anime/cosplay subculture for a year now but my videos are still talking about it on youtube. 

I went to the mall today and saw a lot of people from school, like David, Kotey, Austin... Those guys are starting to look a lot older, it's surprising, I just remember us all so vividly being in grade school and now they're starting to really find themselves as adults. Or not, they're just goofballs, but they're starting to look older, definately! David has really pretty eyes, he looks handsome with his short hair. He's going to do fine finding girlfriends and stuff.

Michael and I had a really nice chat, walked around and looked in Hollister and other shops but I didn't see anything that stood out to me as being worth $25. I love thrift stores, and I love that Hipsters are in right now because it makes it easier to be a thrifty person. There's no shame in it, if it's prewashed and good quality there's no reason why you can't wear second hand clothes. Of course some things like bras and underwear probably should be new. 

I had my guitar lesson today that was over an hour long. Jacob taught me a LOT in this lesson, but the number one thing was we finally got my hand and arm positioned correctly for playing. He pinned my forearm to the body of the guitar momentarily to make a point. Now every time I play I am reminded of this and have to keep that adjustment, but it's difficult because I'm so used to moving my arm almost freely and picking more from my elbow, it's a very bad habit. I'm going to practice it, though, like anything else and hopefully break this habit.

I'm supposed to do all my playing through my wrist. It's difficult to get correctly, this has taken me four and a half months now. 

He's also given me advice on other things, like that confidence and self worth is really the only thing that matters, especially in appealing to the opposite sex. He also told me that people will tell you what they want you want to know if you ask them. If you ask them how things are going with their boyfriend/girlfriend, they will tell you. It sounds simple but it's something that a lot of us don't do when we're hesitant in meeting a person and though it's good not to be too forward but it really is better to ask someone straight out than not and get confused when things don't work out. 

I should work out tonight, I feel like even if I've been working out pretty often again I'm still eating out too much and ruining my diet. My mom made some ground beef-noodle-"season in the box" dish tonight that was alright, definitely hot so that was nice. Those things contain way too much sodium though and taste/look disgusting just hours after you make it. Makes you wonder what's really in it. Don't get me wrong, they don't taste too bad.

Tomorrow I'm probably just gonna relax and hang out, probably study. I'm not going to go out because I already spent $20 today on a MAC mascara and I'm not planning to spend again until I get paid on Thursday. Not having my lesson on Wednesday is nice, Wednesday had become sort of a hectic day when I was hanging out with Samantha after almost every lesson. Now I can really get refreshed before my work weekend. He he he, only three more weeks to go you guys! 

peace. 

Pageants are just a sea of bitches

This is an Ibanez RGT42 in slate grey, fucking nice $750 guitar that I'll be getting for $350 in a few days if all goes right. I want to get that thing so bad, I'm so sick of the sunburst one that I have right now. Granted I'm sort of happy that I did learn my foundation on a Les Paul style neck my hand is killing me every day.

May is almost over. I planned my party way too early and there's still 16 more days. People have probably forgotten about it by now. Heh.... I feel like a big nerd, still. But I don't think it'll matter. Hopefully people'll show up.

Guitar lessons went well today. Got some new material to work on, and I have to start working on the 2 string patterns backward and forward. Jacob seemed sort of pissed off about something, he just seemed exhausted or something. This last week I did 23 hours. Pretty solid week, though I don't feel I got a substantial amount accomplished. I should probably start playing less with Netflix in the background.

Yup, Wednesdays are my favorite days. Everything just seems nice.. I'd like to go take a walk but I have nobody to walk with. I feel like I need to get out of here, though. Do something social.

Good GOD! Okay I messed up this morning, big time. On Friday night or something, I had called Connor and Zach (along with a few other people) to see what people were up too. I was just bored. Zach texted asking me if I'd called, but I thought it was Connor, so we had this conversation with what I WOULD have said with Connor, and it was sort of suggestive. Once I realized who it was I felt super lame!

It'd be nice to spend some time with Connor tonight because I'm not doing anything else and I don't have to study or get up particularly early tomorrow. The new grammar in Japanese is pretty straight forward, though I do have a quiz next Tuesday that I should get studying for. Oral exams were moved to next Thursday so I've got a little time to dwell. Me and Hannah both have 106% in that class, I'm sure we'll get an A.... ha ha it's almost gotten humorous. I will continue to work hard at it though, until the very end!

Samantha's graduation is in three days, and I'll be missing it. It depresses me to no end because I really want to go and see her. I'm really proud of what she's done; she got good grades, didn't get pregnant, never did alternative school. Sometimes I just never knew with her when we first started being friends if she would make it through school.

I'm looking forward to all the bomb food on Saturday, too. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy is graduating, but she was unable to get the day off so I'm pretty sure she'll just be going to his party. This means I'll be getting a chance to meet Jimmy's parents. OH! By the way, remember the pageant blog that I wrote a long time ago? My sister totally decided not to do it after the first meeting.

I'm happy, pageants seem like a swarm of bitches. My sister doesn't need approval from a bunch of creepy middle aged women living vacariously through their daughters. She's already got plenty of activities going on.

I've got a nasty stomach cramp.. I think I'm going to lay down a bit before dinner


peace.