Somewhat of a setback

Evening.

Yesterday was not a fun day. It shook me really hard and I'm still having a difficult time forgiving myself for what happened even if I tried as hard as I could.

I had to withdraw from finance again to avoid a failing grade because I completely bombed my test on Monday. After spending hours drilling the problems online and thinking I had a decent grasp on the material. Come to find out I didn't comprehensively what so ever. The test questions don't go in order from easiest to most difficult, the concepts are mixed up and if you don't know the appropriate steps and formulas to get your answer your pretty much f*cked.

Soo, I'm going to be taking it with Tenerelli in the Fall. He's the one finance professor that apparently goes slow enough or has some other method that helps get people through it. I f*cking hate how hard this class is for me and that even after all the work I did I was somehow still completely oblivious to my own ignorance.

I took it out really hard on myself last night. Not living up to my own standards makes me feel psychotic and almost suicidal because I feel like self improvement is the only thing that I live for at this point. Failure is my biggest nightmare.

Lately I've been watching any documentaries
I can find about Russian ballet. 

But only with tribulations in life do you discover your inner strength. I am not going to flunk out of college and I will not allow this class to keep me from getting my degree. I'm going to now use this quarter as an opportunity to better understand R and my forecasting class and really be able to put some effort into my paper for my capstone course. Taking finance is so draining on my time and psyche because I'm constantly working on homework and constantly feeling nervous about homework being due that I only half understand the procedures for. Then when I actually do the homework my anxiety is super high because if you make one tiny rounding or decimal error in the intermediate steps whole problem is wrong and it's EXTREMELY frustrating.


I think I had mentioned to you guys that I had asked for Kyle's number to help me study for the test on Sunday and he said he'd be totally down on Friday. I did not text him at all during the weekend, I told myself I wouldn't talk to him until I actually *did* need his help so I didn't make it seem like I got his number to get to know him or anything (lol I've learned that guys generally don't like making conversation via text and things can be so easily misread so why even risk it). But I did text him Sunday when I needed help and didn't get a response which kind of sucked my motivation somewhat.

This morning he passed me on the way to Carbaugh's class and asked me how I did. Kind of sucked having to say that I failed. I really wish I could have said "Oh I stressed out for nothing!! I studied my ass off on Sunday and probably did fine!..." like I've said for practically every one of my other tests I've taken in college but instead I had to say, "Pretty terrible. I failed."

It sucked so bad. And having this happen means that I'll be taking one online class for my business minor this Summer to make up for the one I won't be doing in the fall. If I don't get this internship with enterprise I'm going to be moving back to the tri cities again in a month and a half. That for me is hard to believe as well and makes me determined to work as hard as I can until that point.

That's all for now.

peace. 

The more I think about this the more it makes me sick....

Well it was confirmed today, lessons with A Sharp are officially over.

I got an email back in response to my final plea, which was denied, saying that the decision was final but they "enjoyed having me as a student..." So in my mind I'm just thinking why, why did this happen to me, I don't feel like I did anything to deserve it. I mean aside from the messaging on facebook thing, which clearly pissed him off more than I'd realized.

Should I just have used the email in the first place? Yes. Am I angry at myself for having done this? Yes. But I guess at the time I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. It probably would have been better if Jake and I weren't friends on facebook in the first place because I think that was a source of more problems than I even realized. Again nothing I ever said to him on facebook was even conversational-- it was always just a question about lessons or clarification on what time something was.

I just know there has to be a number of reasons Jake just let me go like that. I don't feel like this late payment was that huge of a deal considering I'd paid at the same time previously every month and they had just started this automatic payment system. I'd been a customer of there's for nearly two years and never skipped out on paying. In fact I was always very clear about when I would be paying with Jake and he would brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.


Michael told me to try to appreciate the experience for what it was and move on; pretty much the same advice I'd give someone if they just got out of a relationship. The pain I'm experience feels a lot like a breakup because having lessons was this consistent thing in my life that brought me so much happiness and sense of accomplishment. It helped pull me from the dark depression and insecurity that choked me for so many years. Being a guitarist has given me more of an identity as a human being and released a lot of deep rooted self hatred and jealousy that always existed.

I just need to remember that not having lessons takes none of that away from me. I will still improve if I continue to practice every day and work hard. I will take lessons from other instructors in the future that will help me broaden my knowledge. When that will be though I can't tell you. Maybe in the summer, maybe not for quite awhile.

There's not much I can say to curb my current sadness from this situation. 

But like anything else, I'll move on. 

peace. 

Some thoughts on prozac.

I've realized that I no longer want to take my current dose of Prozac and move back down to 40 mg. I thought that taking 60 would make me feel happier but I'm realizing it has a way of making me feel slow. It's making it hard to have everyday conversations with people because I feel extremely uninterested. Granted my moods have been pretty stabilized. It's taken that "longing" feeling away for the most part which has been nice and I've felt less of a need to communicate-- which can be a good and a bad thing.

I guess my main problem with prozac is that I've noticed an increased difficulty in connecting ideas. Like I'll be talking to people and forget where I'm going and just trail off and get really quiet... Like I forget where I'm going with an idea completely.

So yeah, hopefully cutting back to 40 mg is going to be something that will help me further advance toward where I want to be. I'd like to be more confident with my schoolwork so I can allow myself more freedom to have fun and experience my time here. Being more confident requires planning ahead of time and being proactive on a timely manner. Procrastination is still a problem I have, mainly attributed to facebook.

This daily goal checklist that Jacob recommended I do has helped quite a bit over the last few days though. Today I just found myself sort of lazy... I think Prozac at this dosage has a way of making my mind sluggish in general, like as I write this I'm just thinking "Wrap this up so I can be done..." and haven't had the motivation to write much at all lately.

F*ck, not cool... Just now am I realizing that these past two weeks I really haven't felt like myself, and starting tomorrow I'm going back to 40 mg to see if I feel more clearheaded.

Tomorrow's a new day.

peace. 

Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 

peace.