Guys like girls that don't talk to them at all

Today was alright. 

I have felt kind of down the past couple of days because I feel like Jay and I are totally done. The fact that he has made zero communication with me for the last four days and two facebook statuses about impressing girls and getting their numbers... I feel like I haven't been on his mind lately and I should give this up by just backing away instead of asking questions. Last night I sent him a text-- totally casual: hope work is going well, goodnight. No response from him what so ever today. 

So there you go. Thought things were going well there but it seems like he's changed his mind and is just biting his time to tell me. I've decided to not ask questions anymore. If he's decided that he doesn't want to talk anymore then it's just back to square one again. Lol I've been on square one for years and this shit seems to happen to me over and over again, even as I've matured and better understand myself as a person now more than ever. 

Granted Jay has made no direct indication that he is no longer interested in communicating with me, so there is still that. But still, four days is a long time... and the last time I did get a response from him wasn't good. I really don't want to think about this which is why I'm talking about it here. 

You guys might not realize this but Shavo Odadjian is a camwhore. 

Thank God for metal, that's all I'm going to say. 

Jacob and I had a really good today because he's making me realize that I need to approach practicing differently. I need to be taking smaller sections of measures and practicing it over and over and over again until it's spot on instead of trying to blow through a whole page. I want to know this piece by the 31st soo bad and time is running out quickly. 

Tomorrow I have a day off which I imagine I will spend mostly practicing. I also have to run a few errands-- you know, payday. Tomorrow Jenee H. is also having a going away pool party so I'm excited for that. I'm just going to try not to be depressed about this because I'm so tired of feeling this way. My heart is just an empty hole that becomes more numb the more obsessed I become with music and the harder I work. The only time I ever open myself up to anyone I've been treated like shit so what would you expect.

peace.

My heart has killed me all weekend....

I'm thankful this weekend is almost over. It's been so hard, I actually bought a bottle of wine at Rite aid today to help take the edge off all these emotions I've been going through.

This is the first day in years that I haven't smoked at all. Smoking was my ultimate escape in the tri-cities before I had this panic problem. Since I've moved to Ellensburg and feel isolated, the feeling marijuana gives me is more creepy, lonely (and oftentimes panicky). For that reason, though I'm not saying I'm completely quitting, I am trying to avoid it for the most part unless I'm in an extremely good mood and think I can handle it. This weekend, I certainly cannot handle it. If I smoked now I'm pretty sure I would just break down and cry again.

Marijuana capitalizes on your emotions. If you're feeling relaxed, it makes you feel sooo relaxed. If you're feeling happy, it can sometimes make you feel more imaginative and excited. But God forbid you should try to calm yourself down if you're feeling anxious or scared, absolutely not. It can make you feel like you're heart is beating so fast you're going to die. It can make you feel like the whole world is crumbling in around you.

For that reason, because of my feelings lately, I've been avoiding it for the most part.. I just don't feel I can handle it in my current situation.

I've only been in Ellensburg for what, 12 days? And I already feel like I want to escape. I didn't feel like this getting here initially but I think the sadness has had a number of factors that have dawned on me this weekend. Feeling sad and having too much time to brew in that emotion can make a person feel as though they're in prison.

I must have cried at least 10 times yesterday, if not more. I felt like I wanted to go out but had nobody to go with. I felt lonely because of the Jack situation; even though we really have nothing to do with eachother in the first place. I guess I liked the fact that I had someone to like, even if it was more or less a fantasy because nothing ever works out between us. It's kind of  a pathetic situation either way. Feeling vulnerable to the emotions associated with him makes me feel embarrassed and shameful, which in turn makes me depressed.

Oh on top of that, I did something very ballsy that led me to feeling even more rejected than before. You know how I added that guy Alan that I'd met the other day on facebook... I thought we had a pretty good conversation and I thought I'd throw out there that it'd be cool to see him again. So I sent him a message saying "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you the other day but I honestly don't spend too much time hanging around campus. Would you maybe want to grab some coffee sometime?" He viewed it and didn't reply. Why do I even bother. 

Allie was texting me last night after she flaked on our plans that day and when I asked what she was doing she told me she was "taking care of drunk people." So she was out and about doing something at least. Last night I sat around the house and watched Matilda. 

I tried getting ahold of Jessie but she was on a date. 

I just feel like I don't have the opportunity to spend time with anyone here. I really am trying to make friends so I can get out more but it just hasn't happened yet. I've been here for four months now, I haven't been to any of the bars here or really been around Ellensburg at all. I've spent almost every day studying hard, practicing, and wishing things would improve.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to relax, accept things as the way they are and be happy with my current circumstances. It feels like throughout my life though things have gotten better from year to year but I always thought being at a university would be a time in my life where I wouldn't be going through this sort of underlying depression and anxiety. It makes me think I chose the wrong school which makes me feel a great amount of regret, yet at the same time would I have been able to handle living as far away from my parents as say in Spokane or Bellingham? Probably not. 

I'm just so lonely. So very, very lonely here. Sometimes I feel like coming to Central was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Especially when I see pictures of kids at other universities with their new friends going to school events and having great times... I don't want it to be like that though. I see other people enjoying it here and having social lives, why can't I? 

Coming to this school as a Junior and having no real interest in most school activities is the main reason I'm in this position. The guitar is my safety blanket, I have to play every day or I feel disgusted and anxious. My grades are something I take pride in and I have to study a great deal to reach the standards and goals I've set for myself. That being said, a huge amount of my time is spent studying and playing the guitar instead of say, sitting around in the SURC and BS'ing with people... which would be nice occasionally but when I don't know anybody getting lunch or coffee or anything in the SURC usually entails sitting alone, looking around awkwardly, quickly eating whatever slop they served me there and getting out. 

Here I am crying again. I'm going to pray, ask God to help me in these hard times. Today was a little easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I hope.. I really do, this weekend has been so lonely for me and I'm so thankful that I have family and friends back home to help me through these rough times.

peace. 

Is having someone to cuddle with sooo much to ask? haha

Just got done with my 3rd math test about an hour ago.

It went okay, I'll probably get another B-/C, I know I did some of them right but I totally goofed on the interest problems on the back. Ironically enough that was the one thing I was supposed to learn from this course but I kept on screwing up the calculations somehow. Oh well, he knows I tried. I actually came in this morning to ask him about it but he told me I'd get some of the points if I'm just able to write the values into the formula pretty much. I'm not too worried about it.

I'm making a grilled chicken thigh with sweet potato fries right now. It's only 10:00 AM but I almost always make myself some sort of brunch meal. I'll get up in the morning, usually not have time to make myself a healthy breakfast, then come home from my math class pretty hungry.

This makes me realize that for next quarter on Mondays-Wednesdays when I have my three classes in a row from 8:00-11 AM I need to be more proactive about getting up earlier to fix myself something or have a WHOLE bowl of cereal. Usually in the morning if I try preparing myself something I don't finish the whole thing because of both lack of appetite and time constraint.

I've found "Mexican Eggs," or my version of it.. to be a total Godsend energy wise. I'll post a picture and a recipe next time I make it. Maybe I will tomorrow. I need to buy more tortillas. Better add that to my list of things I gotta buy on my next shopping trip...

Today is kind of one of those lonely days. It'll feel a lot better once I have my guitar lesson with Jacob, which is today at 5:30 PM so I'm stupid f*ing stoked to practice all day and just enjoy my time. I plan on watching nostalgic youtube videos, try to run though to scales, work on my pieces... It's going to be SUCH a nice day off today. Okay maybe it's not a lonely day after all! Ha ha see how that works?

I do miss my cat though. She's back home, earlier I wanted to cuddle up and go back to bed after that test but now that I smell lunch cooking and remembered that I've got ALL day to practice just made me feel energized. 

Once I started thinking about cuddling with Miranda I thought, 'Well shit it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with in general...' I think that was one of the main things I was excited about with Jed was having someone to wake up to occasionally. Most people don't mind sleeping alone; I certainly don't mind sleeping alone.. I mean I have my whole life so it's not like I can complain! But when Winter comes its like ugggh... it's cold. It's always been a lot easier because I had Miranda on my bed every night. 

But alas! Jed more than likely woke up next to some other girl today! Some magical girl that just realized she really should have loved Jed all along and when they drunkenly reunited at that party everything became so much clearer. That's beautiful, they're SO cute and I'm SOOOO happy for them! 

It's scenarios like this that make me feel very numb inside. I remember thinking the other day, "If I met my 16 year old self, what would she think of me..." Well I know my sixteen year old self would be extremely impressed with what I've become. When I was sixteen I wished I could play the guitar but could never do it because I never had direction with crappy instructors like Mr. Neilson. I was pretty self conscious back then so I think I would be happy to see how much confidence I've gained and how easy it's become for me to meet people. 

I don't know if meeting people was necessarily the issue when I was 16... It was more of a lack of self worth at the time. That's back when I was dating Connor and had the only relationship I've ever been able to truly enjoy. I think my sixteen year old self would be really disappointed that things never got better after Connor. I'd tell myself that things just got worse... and worse... until January 2012 when I finally just said fuck it, men just need to get the fuck away from me. 

I was so full of love and genuine emotion when I was sixteen. I feel in some ways I've grown numb and cold towards those emotions since that time. I don't even allow myself to have crushes anymore because feel that person is just going to leave me... And trying to suppress it when I actually DO have feelings for that person and they continue to be in my life leaves me much more stressed out and than happy. 

Like when I was with Jed... I kept everything super casual, I tried not to flirt hardly at all because God forbid I should indicate I wanted a relationship. I was confident, which is sexy... There was nothing I could have done differently. Yet he still disappeared, and the week prior to him doing it I was crying all the time because I knew it was coming based on the fact that he hadn't texted me hardly at all. I just know the signs.. Plus I got a feeling the moment he'd left that morning. 

So it's a good thing I didn't allow myself to get too attached. That night when we were laying together, just momentarily I was laying against his side with his arm around me and I thought to myself, "Man... this is nice..." I took a second to really enjoy the moment because subconsciously I just knew this wouldn't last like everything else. 

..I remember I'd gotten up early to go to Math class and came back and he was still in my bed sleeping. He indicated that he wanted me to come lay back down but I didn't let myself even if I'd wanted too. I wanted to indicate that I'm not a lazy person, once I am up for the day I don't go back to bed. That and I could just tell by his body language that it would be my last time seeing him. 

Hoping my intuition wasn't true, I figured it'd be a cute gesture to make some pancakes for us for breakfast. I started making them and shortly after he practically bolted out the door to meet up with some friend.... So there I was in my kitchen staring at this bowl of pancake mix for two people with nothing to do with it. I ended up making two BIG, 10 inch pancakes, dumping a bunch of strawberries/sugar, and whipped cream on top and scarfing it myself. I just didn't give a f*ck. 

We really didn't talk for the whole next week. I thought about him quite a bit but didn't text him because he wasn't texting me first at all. I was just getting sick of the whole thing, tired of not knowing how he felt about me, knowing this probably wasn't going anywhere and it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to spend time with him anymore... And look what happened! Exactly what I predicted! 

So to those of you that think being pretty makes a significant difference on the amount of bullshit girls have to go through you're wrong. In fact to be honest with you if you're pretty you're worse off in your early 20's because most of the guys in your dating pool are just trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. 

Disgusting.

Which is why I am numb, and probably will be for a very long time. 

I don't even give a shit anymore you guys, seriously. I'm perfectly fine without someone, it's just frustrating this time of year to feel alone and cold. But to say "Alone" for me is comical because I have such an incredible network of people that I talk to... it's just, there's always something missing in *that* regard. But because my life has improved immensely over the past year I can't complain too much. I just gotta continue to deal with it and not allow more Jed's to come into my life. 

It's just not worth it, the stress of liking someone is way worse than the numbness of not liking anyone. 

peace. 

I was hoping this would have a happy ending but it's over.

It's over...

I was hoping this would have a happy ending, but no, that's the end of Jed. I texted him this morning asking him if he would like to hang out at some time today and he told me, "Uhm so I started seeing this girl, an old friend of mine, hope this won't make things awkward between us."

...What? Wow. That's his decision. All I could say was that okay... Like have a nice life. If we pass eachother I'll give him a closed mouth smile if we make eye contact and keep walking as if we were complete strangers again. Note that he's seeing this girl after he told me he doesn't want a relationship, which is the really painful part. I almost wish he hadn't have told me he was seeing someone else.

I'm okay though, as I've said before, either these things work out or they don't. In this case, I really liked him but apparently he felt more strongly for this other girl so he's making that choice. There's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it and move on.

It's just depressing, as always. I'm starting to feel like I'm over it, I have a way of blocking out things like this very quickly. He probably wasn't perfect for me anyway. If he was I'd probably be a lot more sad than I am right now. I mean I've cried off and on today, but honestly my crying isn't for Jed.

It's more just crying because I didn't get a chance.. I no longer allow myself to develop feelings for people to the degree that I would cry simply because I'd want them back. I'll forget about Jed himself in no time, now that he's cut off he's completely insignificant in my life. That is relaxing because I don't have to worry about if I'm talking to him or not.

The tears are from loneliness. My heart feeling more and more numb as time has passed. I've truly learned to love myself in all of this because I've held myself together in my own circumstances to the outside world much better than I ever would have envisioned. I think of how I'd let the depression from loneliness get to me a year ago where I'd make the dumbest decisions, but now that I'm almost two years in I've learned to cope with it.

Well Katelynn just called! I already had the brunt of the emotions earlier today so I'm actually feeling a little better... This will help too.

peace. 

Wtf is the point of calculus for a business major, can someone please explain that?

I feel pretty satisfied because I got 14 hours last week, that was my goal upon moving here that I'll cut down my regular three hours a day to just two, that way I still get an adequate amount of practice time but don't completely cut myself off from the outside world. There's a lot going on here so I need to be careful to not let my guitar be the only important thing in my life besides school.

Today I had to come home because I was frustrated. Math class itself went well but when I sat down to do my pencil-paper homework I found myself really unsure about my answers. I'm going to make sure to try and do the online math assignment if I can get into the system to be able to check my answers, but if that doesn't work I'm just going to have to cross my fingers that I can still do some of this stuff. I had a pretty hard  time with it this afternoon, and this is the review material... makes me wonder how in the Hell I'm supposed to dive into this new stuff.

That's why I've really got to buckle down.... Hypothetically if I were to fail this math class I would lose all sense of hope, drop out of school and kill myself. Not really, of course, but this really is going to be one of my main hurdles here that could destroy my life very quickly if I don't keep on top of it. Once I get into my major itself I'm not as scared but this stupid pre-calc class, finite math and statistics are probably going to fuck me up pretty hard this next year. That's why I just have to take it day by day, work my ass off and hope to God that's enough.

Usbank would actually be my LAST choice in banks. If I had to switch from Sterling I'd probably use Gesa. At least it's better than like, Wells Fargo or something... But still, not a fun decision to make today. I would have liked it to smoothly.

I had to get my new debit card today, which is an uneasy decision for me to make anyway because I really don't like that my money is now in two separate accounts. It was the smart decision to make because every time I would take out money they would charge me $6 so I'd be spending a fortune if I continued to use my Sterling card everywhere. When the bank teller was filling out the paperwork for the new card, she needed my student ID. She didn't give it back to me and I ended up leaving without it.

I went allllll the way to the library to do my math homework (big mistake, I think I'll study somewhere else next time, it's way too hot in there) and when I tried to log into a computer I reached into my wallet and realized the ID card wasn't there. Pissed off, I trudged all the way back to the student union building and asked her if she had my ID card. The bimbo didn't have it, I left her my number and told me to call me when she found it.

She will never find it. I'm going to have to go to the office and get a new card tomorrow, even if I really liked my old one. Hopefully they've got that picture stored on file so they can just use it. I absolutely refuse to pay for a new one, a card is something I NEVER lose-- it was 100% the bank teller's fault. This might seem like a minor thing but with me it's a huge inconvenience.

I'm going to meditate and play guitar. I feel so angry today I could just scream. There must be other reasons for it... other reasons for my frustration. I don't think it's loneliness because I don't feel that sense of longing. Come to think of it I wouldn't want anybody here either way. I think I'm MORE angry that math is going to be such an issue this quarter; the review page just didn't click to me today and that scares me. Algebra has never been my strongest subject, it's always just been something I've scraped by with and always wish that it'd be my last. This quarter FOR SURE is my last ALGEBRA class, but then I've still got finite math.


peace. 

My emotions in a blender.

Posted a status today saying "So happy and excited today. Can't believe this is actually happening. <3"

It's not a lie, I am happy and excited. The heart is a little misleading though. I'm just stoked as Hell that I've actually gotten skilled enough at the guitar to play the Master of Puppets solo.. or at least I'm working on it-- it's definitely achievable.

Haven't heard from Jack in a week and I think it's time to call it quits again. I don't really know what fuck he's up too but he certainly doesn't care to talk to me so whatever. My mom actually had the nerve to suggest adding him on facebook last night... again!! Immediately I'm like NO. Why the fuck would I add him right now? Another day of loneliness and wondering what the Fuck, another day of the nasty feeling in my stomach and feeling my face cringe when he crosses my mind. I hate him for this shit he puts me through, this waiting game is stress and sadness that I don't need, and it never ends.

Work today was... work. Nothing really worth mentioning. Leslie and Linda were my managers today and we got a lot of stuff done, no catty bitchiness to deal with so that's good.

Took the status down. No use misleading people, what's the point. There's no need to post any status today; I usually write one a day but there's nothing clever on my mind. It's simply a depressing day. I took Bronkaid so I feel very awake and emotionally numb. I feel very humiliated for some reason. I don't know why. . . I just need to stop thinking so much about things.

Such a mix of emotions--  with the stress from work and the god damn loneliness yet happy because I'm doing well at guitar. I don't even know what to do with myself lately. At least I look nice, Witch hazel has worked wonders on the remaining acne scarring that I had on my skin. I think the acne has finally ceased, I might not even have to get another bottle of Differin for awhile.

peace/ 

If people would just stop reminding me of this...

It's 12:04 pm. This time a few years back I'd barely be out of bed by now.

Well, if it was the weekend a few years back... Yeah, lets just say there was a time that on the weekends or during the summer I'd get in this routine of not getting out of bed until 1 pm because I was up the previous night until 1 or 2 am. This is a very bad habit that I choose not to do anymore, and it's benefit me a lot. For instance, I no longer have much acne. I don't know if it was mainly due to the Differin or the fact that I've stopped staying up late. A combination of the two has helped, we'll say.

Thus far today I've played guitar for 110 minutes, almost a couple hours. I'm getting better at time management with this. It doesn't seem hard to take a solid three hours out of your day but it is, it makes you feel very shut out. Facebook and Japanese class really do keep me somewhat sane socially, though. That and work. That creepy older Mexican guy has been coming into Rite Aid a lot and bothering me with his almost obsessive loitering. I didn't see Josh K. at all yesterday. I'd sort of forgotten about him until one of my managers mentioned him "checking you out." I don't know if that's true or not, or if she just heard from Tammy or Jodi that I liked him and they pointed him out when he came in.

It makes me sad and sort of irritated that they all know about him. I wish I hadn't told anyone in the first place because now it makes me twice as sad when he comes in. He's got NO interest in seeing me outside of work, he's got his own thing going on.. he's dirtbiking, hanging out with his friends, being a 22 year old guy. And I don't blame him.

If it gives you an idea of how much of a lost cause Josh Kilgore would be to pursue, here's a picture of his default on facebook. His most recent status was that he doesn't want to leave the bar but he has to for "work and sutff."

That's okay though, it's perfectly normal for him to want to go out and party, have fun with his friends, etc etc.. Especially after what he told me. Josh wants to have kids here in a couple years. That surprised me a lot to hear when we spent a little time together, because most guys don't just up and say that, but it's pretty normal. I mean just look at Zach March, Jyle, Jaye Crow, these guys that I've had contact with and have pursued me at one time or another that all have babies and have MAJOR responsibilities now.

That being said, if Josh was being honest there, I don't blame him at all! When you have a kid your life becomes their life, and if you're not ready to make the commitment yet you'll end up going behind your wife's back and probably causing the child a ton of grief. He's doing himself a favor, and then when he decides he does want a baby he'll be ready to settle down for it. I don't think he's going to be going to college or anything anytime soon, and if he does it'll be CBC.. which of course I'm done with. I probably make him feel sort of intimidated.

I know I make Connor feel sort of intimidated. He's the only guy I've been spending any time with off and on, and we've hung out a few times in the past four or five weeks. Connor on the other hand probably has ZERO intention of kids anytime soon, but he's sort of in the same boat Josh is in. He wants to have fun, fuck around, not be tyed down to some girl. It's not that I'd be trying to tye down Josh or Connor or anybody.

 I'd just be nice to spend time with a guy that cares about me that I'm semi attracted too, I really don't think that's too much to ask. But it doesn't ever seem to happen. I don't think it's because I'm not attractive or anything, but ever since I've gotten over my depression I've been so scared to give any guy ANY of my feelings because I don't want to get back where I started. Believe me, I'd LIKE to have someone to talk too when I just feel like talking, or someone to spend time with during some of these many, many, many hours I spend playing this instrument to ease some of the pain I experience from loneliness.

But it only happens when I'm alone, which is when I'll try listening to some Dream Theater or Metallica, something about the pain love brings. I jam, smoke weed, watch documentaries about war and lives that are worse then mine. It numbs the pain and makes me feel normal, and very humbled. Happy about my life and everything I have. I have friends, I have people to talk too. I feel like with everything I have I shouldn't need a man at all, which I DON'T. And I know this very well, but I can't help when there's something inside me that occasionally yells at me "HEY!! WHY ARE YOU SO ALONE. YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE HOT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??" At least it's gone from my mind saying "You're worthless, you'll never be with anyone." I really don't feel that way anymore, but it's hard to think otherwise when nothing has proved any different. At this point it seems to need a fucking miracle.

Today has really been a good day so far though. I did a load of laundry and washed the dishes. I think I look really nice today. As for guitar progress, I am getting the hang of the distortion part of cemetary gates. I'm going shopping with my sister, buying some clothes. I want to get my nails done so that they have music notes on them. I tried doing it myself but it looked like shit (haha of course, I never said I was good at manicures!).

I'm going to play my guitar some more and hopefully get another hour in before we leave. We're not leaving until Denae leaves the school, goes home and gets ready so that'll be plenty of time for me! I'll hang in there, everything's fine. I think it's normal for me to feel the way that I do. This hopelessness has sort of allowed me learn to cope otherwise.

peace.