Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

YES, YES, total happiness is an UNDERSTATEMENT right now...

I finally figured it out... the solution to my problems.

It was right in front of me all along. Why the Hell don't I just live alone? I called the housing office first thing this morning and will be able to get switched immediately. I know living alone might not sound exciting to some but for a creative introvert like me there's nothing better.

I'm just imagining the possibilities:

-I'll have my OWN kitchen-- cooking videos on youtube with no worry of interruptions.

-My OWN bathroom-- shower and bathe whenever I want without worrying about my roommate needing to use it.

-Use my AMP!

Absolute privacy. 

..And the best part is that I've got it, even this late in the game. The only studio apartment left is a "remodeled apartment in Brooklane." For some reason when she said this it made me think of the most ghetto place in the world-- like the "apartment-that-was-just-messed-up-and-we-just-had-to-fix-it" and thus hadn't been rented out yet. Regardless I do not care what so ever, I am very happy with my circumstances.

Now I know exactly what I'm bringing and can look forward to styling the apartment any way I want. I need to get some stuff out of Dad's shed to figure out what I have and what I want to bring.

And don't tell anyone you guys but I might be bringing a certain someone... 

I'm not that nervous about moving Miranda to the new environment. She absolutely loves me and she's a really smart cat so I couldn't imagine her just running off. She's probably not going to like the harness training but I'm going to do it as a way to get her outside. I'm sure I'm not allowed to have pets at student village but I know that other people have pushed the rule as long as everything is kept clean. If anyone gives me any lip about it I will gladly say I have a history of anxiety and need my pet there to help alleviate it. It's the truth.

Alright now I need to get to work. I do have a guitar lesson later so I need to practice too and somehow get a copy of "In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth." I've been working on that for about a week but I've already got most of it done. Now Jake can't give me shit for not focusing on one song. He's gonna want to play master of puppets today more than likely so I need to get shred ready.

peace. 

Ha, one week and I'm out of shape?

Or maybe my body is really exausted because I'm kind of sick. I think that's what it is. Maybe it's not a good idea for me to be working out tonight, but I just had a big meal from dairy queen and I think some exercise can help rev me up for my study session here in a minute...

Didn't get anything done today. It's 7:00 and not one thing is checked off my list. Jed came over last night at midnight after he got done studying. We ate some brownies, watched netflix, had a really good night. I've REALLY got to get some work done tomorrow and I'm hoping if I get to bed by 11 tonight I can feel better tomorrow than I did today.

But yeah, Jed and I had a really good time. After we hadn't talked in four days I thought I'd text him a picture of a tattoo I'm thinking of getting..

Isn't that amazing? It would represent a beginning of a new transition of happiness in my life due to the power of music and how much happier it has made me. 

I really need to branch out on the guitar though. I need to start learning to play new songs, even if they're just easy songs.. Every musician should make it a top priority to learn a wide variety of songs. Personally I've always focused more on the technical aspect because the process of finding new songs can be very frustrating. 

Anyway when I showed him the tattoo he was over pretty quickly. He's sooo attractive, I absolutely love being around him. I can barely remember anything we talked about last night. I now know he has a younger sister. He went to school in Silverdale, which is sort of near Bremerton I believe. He likes food "with gravy." Ha ha ha, like I asked him what his favorite foods are and he said "like.. stuff with gravy." 

I feel like I've told him a little about myself but we've barely scratched the surface. There's a lot I haven't told him just because you want to put yourself in the best light possible the first couple times you hang out with someone. I'm sure there's a lot he hasn't told me, too. It'll all come in good time if we continue to spend time together. I'm secretly really stoked about the time Jed and I spent together, even if I'm trying not to be too stoked because you just never know. I want to play things by ear and not make him feel pressured in any way. I don't want to rush into anything but the fact that I know he doesn't want a relationship makes it hard to trust that he's going to stick around in my life. . . so I try not to get attached or even believe that he has genuine feelings for me at all. 

Anyway gotta get some work done. Feel like crap so wish me luck. 

Completely dismantled bedroom...

peace. 

I have nothing to do on my 21st birthday.

I've sort of dreaded turning 21 for a number of reasons, the predominant one being that I feel obligated to do something but I have nothing to do here.

It's 6:30 PM. I just got home from my legal class. Accounting and that legal class back to back can certainly wear me out, but because I only have to do it twice a week it's more than manageable. So far I've really only attended class, come back to the apartment, studied and played my guitar. So things've certainly become more convenient to achieve in my classes than back home because there aren't nearly as many distractions. I'm truly free to live however I want too and I've created this nest of activities that I like to do throughout my day. Unfortunately this can have tendency to pull me away for much need of social interaction. 

I look back on all the musicians I've known in my life and now I know why they're so flaky. To me, the guitar really is like a drug. When I can't have it I feel panicked and sort of out of focus with what I need to do throughout my day. When I play exercises I'll often ponder-- "What was it that I needed to get done this evening? Oh yea..!" and get whatever I need to get done finished. I feel like my brain just works better when I have a good practice regime. 

But I look back on my old life before the guitar and how I'd fill that time with more social interaction. I would go out and seek entertainment from people; like people that were also into the Japanese thing, even guys that I probably shouldn't have been spending time with just because I was bored with my life. The guitar has sort of filled this void as well as my need for love/companionship.

I'm sort of irritated with Jason right now because he hasn't texted me for the second day in a row. I assume he's just very busy, pursuing a double major and all.. I'd like to hope he's not just avoiding me but if that's the path he chooses there's nothing I can do about it. That's the thing about emotions, I've really come to stop getting emotional about things that I absolutely cannot control... And Jason is one of those things. He's a guy that likes me, or did like me and might be having second thoughts about it; clearly. Whether he decides to continue this... errm... "relationship." But don't call it that because it's not one. It's kind of dating I'd suppose. Spending time together. 

...Whether he decides to spend time with me again is his decision and I can only be myself and see what lies ahead. 

Unfortunately my birthday is coming up and I have no idea how I'll be spending it. It's this Monday but if I wanted to do something I guess it'd have to be this weekend or next. You can't really postpone celebrating a birthday too much further than that because it loses it's meaning. 

My last birthday was a complete disaster because I spent it at one of Jessika's disgusting parties with her alcoholic, 30 year old roommate trying to get with me. I look back on those scenarios and all I can say is Thank God by life has come to a 180 degree turn. I swear it's all thanks to my guitar, I never again felt that need to get the approval of others because I always have something to fall back on when I'm feeling sad or depressed. It's magical what an instrument can do to your life. 

My 20th year was good for the most part, however. It turned around at the beginning of 2012 when I started setting goals to practice an hour a day. This goal setting of course increased rapidly when I started getting lessons with Jacob and my whole outlook on life changed for the better. 

This year was calm, I worked at my boring job at Rite aid but it was safe and it kept me out of trouble for the most part. I remember in March or so I'd get texts from that disgusting tool Barry asking if I wanted to get together. I finally had the courage to tell him to fuck off after the confidence boost from playing guitar. See how this all ties together? 

Anyway, since this new adjustment my confidence I had back home is taking awhile to come forward. I feel confident in class because I study the Hell out of the material but socially I'm having a hard time finding people I'd want to spend time with outside of my little day to day schedule. Maybe I don't have too. I just feel like there's some expectancy in college to drink and party and if I don't I'm not getting the full experience. 

My mom kept on saying, "You need to have fun!!" I do have fun, but for the last year or so I haven't done any partying or anything. That leaves me with this birthday in a week. I don't know what I'm going to do for it because I haven't really made any friends up here at Central that I've hung out with outside of class, aside from Jason who right now doesn't seem to want to spend time with me what-so-ever. I would want to spend it with Katelynn but I just drove home this last weekend and don't feel like going to the tri cities AGAIN this upcoming weekend. 

I want to have fun on my 21st birthday.... even if I really hate getting drunk because it makes me extremely ill. I took three shots at Shawn's party, with food and a LOT of water but still got extremely sick the next day and it completely killed any fun that I'd had the previous night because I was doubled over the toilet puking my guts out. F*ck, I hate drinking. 

peace. 

Losing your identity and starting a new?

I'm really not a fan of hipsters.

One reason that I choose not to accessorize too much is because I don't want to associated with these people.

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.

The Hipster subculture is certainly more bearable than others such as the rave/candy kids that grew out of the now almost completely dead "Scene" phase. I've been friends with some hipsters, but most of them that I've met have been really lazy. Like they've got an attitude like they're too cool to work unless it's at some coffeeshop or bookstore for a few hours a week. 

Yeah, not a hipster. Makes me happy I'm not going to Bellingham, these people would have pissed me off.

Blegh. When this becomes a known trend of my time, I can say here and now that I was never a part of it.

I don't really have a concrete look or subculture that I belong in, though I do seek the approval of other musicians. I think all musicians do, it's really important because there's no better judge of your playing than someone that's more skilled than you. It's also fun to of course be better than the next guy, so that approval is also a plus. Hipsters must get approval from other hipsters on how thrifty they look. 

I've never followed any clothing trends necessarily or tried to be something I'm not for an extended amount of time. I feel like these kids that get really into different scenes end up losing a big piece of their identity once the scene ends or goes out of style. I personally would never want something that I identify with to "die," it would be horrifying, especially if you take it really seriously and felt accepted by the other people following the trend. 

There are still stragglers to the scene trend, like this girl. 

I think Scene pretty much ended when MySpace did back in 2008. 

Gonna play guitar until me and tyler hang out.

peace.