F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

Fun little day off

The flies in our basement that get in through the garage and fly around the family room have been the biggest pain in the ass living here. They're so obnoxious when they land on you because it feels so dirty, you just don't know what kind of shit that fly had gotten into that day.

So today was a pretty good day. I finished the drawing I did of Jenipher, Kline and their baby and believe it's truly one of the best portraits I've done yet. I got my hour of guitar practicing in as well and am getting so close to having Aerials completely mastered and can be uploaded to YouTube. I've really been focused on NOT reading the music while I'm practicing-- taking off those training wheels that are separating me and guitarists that can just drop jaws wherever they go and pick up an instrument with 0 reference.

Katharine is coming up on Tuesday for her friend's wedding and we're planning on going to the Benton City bar for the first time ("the Tav" now I think, originally the Palm where I swear to God I'd never step foot in, ha ha ha). It's apparently a lot less of a dive now that there's new owners, but my mom said she and my Dad ordered a pizza and two beers there and their tab was about $30!! Lol that's means that their large pizza probably cost 4-5 times what the pizzas I'm making at Little Caesars cost and likely have the exact same ingredients. That's economies of scale at work-- we're creating a mass number of pizzas so we can sell them for $5 each and still make profit where at a bar if they sold them for that cheap they would make no money because of the time and effort a single person would have to put into making the pizza when they could be selling drinks. How business works is so fascinating to me.

So yeah taking a Benton city bar run will be a funny ass time, visiting with Katharine is pretty enjoyable in general and we've got a lot to catch up on.

Kayla and Kevin were going to the fair tonight and Kayla wanted to know if I was going (unfortunately, no. It costs $25 to just park and get in the door, not to mention the gas to get there and the fortune I'd have to spend to go on any rides). A part of me wanted to go of course but it just wasn't gonna happen. I've been trying to live as cheaply as possible lately to save some of the money regardless of the money I spend on gas just to get to work.

Here's the kitchen from the Brady Bunch. Veda W. posted this and it gave me a nice fuzzy feeling to look at this. I love the 1970's decor, reminds me of estate sales and time spent rummaging through dead people's stuff with my Dad! Happy memories. 

peace.

This week wore me out

Evening to anyone out there reading, it's Saturday June 7th. 

This is the first weekend I've had in awhile that I'm not doing anything and it sucks. But then again that's because the last few weekends I've spent hanging out with Joel so it's probably good that we have a break and he does his own thing tonight. 

Last Wednesday, Matt, Joel and I got together to study, originally having planned to work on forecasting in the library at 5. I went there and worked on the retail project for hours before they showed up. We had our econ midterm the next day and were all feeling the pressure so I was surprised when they weren't there until about 8:30. 

That evening Joel seemed really distant. When we saw eachother we didn't touch or kiss at all. In fact we didn't until he put his hand on my leg in the car and said I was going to do fine on the test I was so nervous about. We then kissed passionately when I dropped him off at home so I felt okay. 

Thursday was test day and that morning I went to Shaw an hour and a half early to finish up. I hadn't taken my Prozac in two days and was taking Wellbutrin instead until I got the refill so I was feeling really on-edge. I sat down with that guy Kyle F. that I thought was cute at the beginning of the quarter who I'd noticed was studying that morning too. 

When I'm desperately trying to cram information into my head I don't like chit chatting. Usually the morning before a test I'll be wearing earplugs just to fully focus on what I need to remember instead of getting distracted by ambient sound or other people's conversations. When we were sitting there Kyle kept on talking, like reading to himself and every so often going "Oooh! Did you know that [insert random fact from the questions he's working on while I have earplugs in and am trying to study my own shit]..?" And I'd pull my earplug and be like "What?...oh yeah sure, whatever.." I was in the zone, I didn't want to be bugged. 

Joel walked up and sat with us at about 8:30 and they started talking and talking. I felt myself having to re-read things over and over so at one point I pretty nervously said to Kyle: "Hey, I'm sorry I get distracted really easily, can you not like... read aloud to yourself?" and Joel turns and says, "Uhh translation shut the hell up.."

Kyle just grinned at me like "Well that's you, I'm going to do whatever the Hell I want. What you want me to leave?" I'm sure my eyes got really wide and I'm like, "No..? I didn't mean you had to stop talking entirely I just meant when you read to yourself it's kind of hard to focus..." and then there was this long, awkward silence. I felt like such a dork for saying anything.

I guess maybe to get my mind off them I reached into my backpack and grabbed a bag of popcorn, set it on the table and ate a couple pieces. Joel looks at me and says impersonating me, "Uhm Emily I get distracted really easily and when you're eating that popcorn it's making it really hard for me to focus." Kyle's like "Nice." Again making me feel like a complete dork. I ended up leaving early to go get coffee. 

So yeah it wasn't a great morning before the test but I did get a lot of studying done. I think I did alright on the test itself, it's really hard to tell because it was hard. We have the ETS exam next Thursday that I know I'll be doing a ton of studying for this week.

Yesterday aside from going to Carbaugh's class to get information about the test I didn't do much. I slept a lot, played guitar and worked out in the evening. Today I slept in really late and did a ton of art. I think my body is just trying to recharge from how hard I've had to work this last week.

Anyway this next week is the final stride. Just have to do my forecasting project and the ETS exam. I'm hoping Joel and I continue to spend time together regardless of acting kind of weird and distant from eachother in the past few days. 

peace. 

Get some ambition, why you bored

Evening. It's 10 pm.

This week I worked really hard... Monday and Tuesday I studied 3.5 hours and I finished my finance homework early (granted it was quite easy and now I have the dubious task of studying the other three chapters for the test this weekend). My first Finance test is next Monday and Carbaugh's test is on Tuesday. This weekend I'm going to be studying a lot. At least I'll get to sleep in. Getting up at 8 every day is the pits (ha ha).

My friend Michael G. really would make an incredible professor. He came over last night and walked me through R from the very beginning. He taught me how to assign variables, make graphs, constrict data, format the axis... I was so happy to get that help because I was starting to get really lost. I plan to play around with R again this weekend. My next assignment for forecasting doesn't require coding so that was somewhat of a relief. We're learning about judgmental forecasting and the limitations and biases of the human brain. Business college has really taught me to think more critically and logically.

Today I did slack, though. When I got home from classes I took a nap and ate a really crappy lunch. I accidentally burnt the chicken nuggets and fries I was making and they came out pretty flavorless. I feel antsy so I went to the gym until around 6'. It's always a nice stress relief but I rarely feel like studying afterward.

I am going to work on Carbaugh multiple choice questions and watch Netflix until bed. My parents are coming up for Easter Sunday so I'm going to have to really clean my house before they get here. I think knowing I'm going to have a lot to do this weekend gave me permission to slack today.

Wow, this is only my third blog entry this month and it's the 17th, that's depressing. The amount of work that I'm having to do this quarter has made my leisure time more scarce. I've had to really put guitar and drawing on the back burner but when I do have time I'd rather be doing that and watching TV than writing.

peace. 

Coming down to the wire. And some tragic news.

Spring forward's a pain in the ass. You lose an hour of sleep and feel like the day is flying by that much faster. This wasn't good timing considering I've got two very important, make or break assignments in the next few days. I am going to use my time wisely toward the completion of my assignments. I have to not be tempted to spend time drawing or playing guitar, I'll have pleeeenty of time for that over Spring break. 

This week is the last week of class. Terry and I met up at the library to do the last econ homework assignment and he's like "Can you believe that? I'm sooo excited for this to be over, aren't you??.." The reminder of this made me feel more anxious than anything. I know that this next week and a half is going to be the most difficult because I sincerely want to finish strong and solidify what I learned this quarter. Doing well this next week and a half will give me the most ultimate sense of achievement which is something worth fighting for.

I have a management paper due on Tuesday at 12 pm and a economics test on Wednesday at 1 pm.

On a completely unrelated note, I have some terrible news.

This is a recent picture of my youngest cousin, my aunt's son. He's so sweet I had to post a picture of him but I'm not going to post names just for privacy's sake.... 

My aunt has been doing great since her pregnancy. She was clean from drugs at the time but also ensured her sobriety by participating in an Oxford house program. She was later able to find a good job, started renting her own place, and built up a network of friends to support her through life in general. Everyone in our family thought things were going great for my aunt, but not much had been said about her current relationship status. 

Well apparently this guy is a complete bastard piece of shit that had the nerve to cheat on my aunt while she was at work to support her son. My aunt found out last night and they got in a huge fight over it. The baby was with my older cousin at the time and she was unable to get ahold of my aunt that night which was bizarre and she got worried. She kept calling and calling with no answer. My other aunt was finally able to get ahold of her later that night and the phone call sounded muddy and she sounded almost incoherent. 

Apparently the fight had gotten physical and she was knocked out unconscious last night. She was taken to the hospital and was in a coma until this afternoon. The blunt force trauma caused her to have a stroke that messed up the right side of her body and she will have to go through weeks (maybe months) of rehabilitation to recover. She won't be able to work and is going to need a lot more help with Wyatt, the responsibility of which will be passed around by my other aunt, uncle and grandma. But of course my aunt and uncle have jobs so my Grandma's going to be doing most of it. It makes me wish there was some way I could help but there's really not aside from give moral support so I gave her a call today to make sure everything was alright. 

My grandma's dealing with this pretty well. She isn't as worried as I would have thought she would be when I called. I guess regardless of having little control over the right side of her body right now my aunt was able to chew and swallow food. We're the most concerned about her mental state and will have to support her and the baby as a family. 

peace. 

Intelligence beyond your age is incredibly sexy

Afternoon.

Well I'm happy for two reasons. First, I've qualified for an unexpected tax return so I'll be getting a few hundred bucks for free next week, thanks government. Secondly my mom is coming up so I'll have company in a couple hours. My house is still kind of a cluttery mess but I'm picking it up little by little and it's coming around. I cleaned my bathroom the other day and picked up all the dirty clothes off my bedroom floor so that's a major plus. My problem with keeping things clean in the family room is the mass amount of papers I own and try to keep track of between tabs and returned schoolwork...

Last night was a late one, like most Monday nights. Michael came over for the first time in a week or so and we got a solid hour and a half of studying in. Michael (as I've mentioned before) has the privilege of doing a workstudy with Sipic doing really complex math and learning how to use advanced regression model programs (...and here I am just figuring out how to input data to excel, and he's 19). Soo of course every time he's here I ask him about it.

I was doing the dishes yesterday Michael was  proofread one of his papers when he started b*tching to me about his choppy writing style. I'm like "Shut up, Europeans just write like that... They're more too the point and don't waste time."**  (**Okay I have no clue if this is true or not... my only evidence for this is my experience having read Mein Kampf and Hitler wasn't even a good writer)

 So he started reading some of Toni's work that he was trying to dissect out loud and my jaw dropped, listen to this crazy sh*t.....

"The main mechanism through which disasters lead to policy outcomes is the increased salience of the issue with the public which may lead to political responses to increased demand for mitigating policies."

"...This result largely captures the requirement for MARPOL to enter into force in at least 15 countries with combined merchant fleet of no less than 50 percent that of the worlds fleets..."



Blaghh he's just way too freaking brilliant to be in his early 30's. I told Michael it was like poetry to my ears, ha ha ha. Okay I'm going to get back to cleaning before my mom gets here.

 peace.

I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean

I decided early this evening that I'm getting out of my damn apartment tonight if my life depends on it. As you guys know my last few weekends in Ellensburg have been somewhat of a drag. This weekend will be different though. First I'm meeting my friend Daniel at 8:30 pm then meeting some other friends to play pool at the tav so it should be a fun night. 

Man I got ANOTHER shitty grade on my management homework! That's the third assignment in a row (the first being the paper that was 38/50 because I wrote it at the last damn minute, then my last discussion board assignment where I logged in so late I couldn't post a response and got 1/4 and this week I got the response but posted my first article an hour too late and got 2/4, shit!). Grr, I'm developing bad habits in that class because I've been kind of depressed and have been spending almost all of my time online uselessly. 

Tomorrow I'm going to get myself back on track to finish off strong in that class. I'm going to go to the library and bring a binder to compile all future assignments and figure out what I've gotta get done and when it's due so that I don't keep screwing up. It's not a hard class, management is important, and the only reason I've been doing bad is because I'm procrastinating and sleeping in too damn late! 

I'm drinking a lot of water and won't be drinking hard alcohol tonight at all, just a little beer, whatever. I just need to get out tonight. I feel this week has been rather useless but I'm going to make a solid effort to do better next week. That's all you can do, just move forward. A number of things made me sort of sad/frustrated this week that made it hard to focus, like Carl's suicide and this weird situation with Jake. Still no word from him yet. I know I need to call the shop but I'm nervous too because I'm afraid it's bad news. 

Clearly I've been doing a lot of avoidance which will not help me. 

Oh! Good news, I guess "reason to celebrate"....

  I got an A on second my econ midterm!!! 

This calls for another twerk gif. 

Goodnight guys. 

peace. 

Don't need no man, got yo' own bands, put up yo' hands

You guys ready to twerk this weekend? Whooo!!! 

Well I suppose that doesn't go out to all of my readers. And I apologize to those of you that are offended or distracted by the Twerkgif. But in spirit of the fact that it's Friday in 15 minutes I'm leaving the gif the way it is and those of you that are offended can just scroll up. 

I'd been looking for workout music and came across this playlist earlier: 

http://www.complex.com/music/2013/02/the-25-best-twerking-anthems/

That is also where you can find the rest of these twerk gifs.
No homo.

Not on the playlist but found this by one of the same artists, catchy as Hell! 

Makes me look forward to start riding my bike when the weather gets nicer. Right now the weather here has been really unpredictable temperature wise, one day it will be freezing cold and the next you could get by wearing a light sweater. It's been a dry season so there hasn't been any snow luckily. Safer driving.

Of course I shouldn't have to worry about any of the problems on the roads anymore because my first and only class is at 1 pm. Yup, today I realized I'm not cut out for a finance major. Last night I spent over 2 hours studying to make up the homework that was due Tuesday that I was unable to complete because of the book situation. I made these crazy detailed flash cards, not only to teach me Finance formulas but also to remember how to transfer information in income statements and working with the rules of balance sheets. 

Red flag. 

I haven't taken accounting in over a year and I was not prepared for that class. For some reason I figured finance would be much more similar to what I was used to but it was almost a whole different ballpark. And it's not like I had an easygoing professor, I was lucky enough to get stuck with the self-proclaimed "anal orifice." 

As you all know it's hard for me to lower my self standards on anything. When I realized I wasn't going to do the double major the first person I wanted to talk to about it was Terry because he'd switched from a finance major to economics pretty shortly after we'd first met. I don't think Terry actually ever took a finance class either, though. I know if he saw the amount of time consuming actuarial math and formula memorizing that class required he would have done the same thing. 

He was empathetic because he knew how much it means to me to succeed to my highest potential. He reminded me that it sucks when self realizations like this happen but "One major is plenty! : )" My parents talked it over and think it will also be better for me, especially because it will put me in a lot less debt. 

Alright I'm going to bed.

peace. 

This quarter's already getting fun

Evening.

I've now gotten a feel for what I'm in for this quarter. One professor I really like the style of, the other it's too early to tell because a good majority of the lecture was spent "stroking himself" (as my friend described it today, the man does brag quite a bit but he seems to have done a lot in his life so whatever. These professors suffer enough to get their PhD., get published and spend endless hours doing random research that they can have their time on the first day to brag if they want too.)

One of my professors is named Wassell I believe, he looks kind of like an older Corey B. and sounds like him too. His class is in the big room (115), where Terry and I screwed around and passed notes during managerial last quarter. I stood outside the class for a little while with some people I know, like this guy Robert W. who's in both my classes. Terry and I caught a glimpse of eachother. I smiled and he smiled back but turned away trying to play it off like he didn't notice.

Of course we did end up sitting in the seats we sat in last quarter. When he noticed I was walking that direction Terry was like "YEA Our lucky seats!!" And I'm like "F&^% yeah we're gonna get A's this quarter!!" Then he's like "YES high five!!" and I jumped up and kind of grabbed his hand...  It was just weird, we just got really freaking pumped  for about 2 seconds before he realized that he lost his cool and quickly sat down. I of course could give a rats so I was sitting there cracking up and he's like, "...but seriously though."

I really liked Wassell's lecture yesterday because I found him very clear, understandable, organized and cohesive-- everything I like in a good economics professor because it allows me to write notes and really take in what they're saying. When a professor goes too fast and skips around the material I lose interest quick... this is what happened in that same room last quarter. Yet I somehow got a B.

Another sort of cool thing about his class is that he apparently passes out hard copies of the homework then gives us answers to correct them which are similar to the answers to the tests. I'm really hoping my finance teacher has a similar system  because that class is going to have a ton of homework too. In both classes homework is a big chunk of the grade which is always advantageous to me. Doing homework doesn't really stress me out anymore.

But yeah my finance teacher that I had today seemed... interesting. He straight admits that his reputation online is "horrible" but that the reason is that half the people coming into class are just looking for an easy A and he wants to make sure we're getting our parents are getting our money's worth. Fair enough, challenge accepted. He also has a Mississippi accent.

I don't know if I've posted a picture of Ryan yet, I hung out with him for the first time pretty shortly before he went to Europe with some of his buddies so we didn't really talk for 3 weeks but we'd kind of "liked" eachother's photos back and forth every so often so I got the impression he seemed interested in hanging out again

So yesterday I was supposed to get coffee a second time with Ryan but he got jet lag and fell asleep. This was like at 6:30 pm, which granted I had postponed from the original time that he'd wanted to three times because I was frying something that took forever and made a huge mess. So yeah I went to Starbucks, got my coffee and my scone and talked to some Japanese international students until I checked my phone and realized he wasn't coming. 

I'm a firecracker when guys flake..... I refrained myself and just wrote "Wow". He did send me a text apologizing for this today and asked if we could reschedule for today but I didn't feel like it because I'd taken a nap and felt groggy looking. Tomorrow it is. I'll let you know how that goes. I really enjoyed his company the first time because he seems really smart. He made me laugh more than once which is not easy to do for most people.*

peace. 

*... Okay maybe that's kind of a lie because I'll chuckle at practically anything if a person is trying to make some observation  but that doesn't mean I'm always serious. 

Quit spilling sh*t on my floor, cat! And classes winter 2014

Typing on this mac computer is incredibly annoying..

I'm sitting in the library waiting for an econ meeting at 4:30 pm. I would normally be home at this time but today I had to drive (and walk... mostly... Every time I use my car here it's such a waste of time) to Barge Hall to get a hold lifted from my account so I can register. I'm actually waitlisted in my intermediate microeconomics class at 7:30 am. I did have an option of taking it with another professor at an easier time but it would require me to take it with a much harder professor.


I just texted Terry to tell him my schedule and we're both taking intermediate micro. The war wages on!! He's also taking pre-calc and intermediate macro. It's been forever since I took pre-calc, that was a nice one to get out of the way early..

Next quarter I'm also taking an "Intro to financial management" and a "Principles of management" class online. I would much rather take that in person because the professor is Chinese. That and I generally dislike online classes because of the motivation it takes to check regularly online. But I'm going to put forth all of my effort.. I'm going to have to, next quarter I've got my first 400 level classes.

Today I finally got my eyebrows waxed and my bangs trimmed. That was really needed, my bangs were so long that the shortest part of them completely covered my left eye. Blegh. Anytime my bangs get that long my hair has a tendency to get greasy because I'm continually having to swipe them out of my face. Not a good look on anyone.

Okay it's 4:15 pm, I'm going to be late if I don't head out here pretty soon. Overall I've been good lately. The bigger Marshall gets the more daring he gets and he's got this bad habit of climbing on the curtains. He's also extremely persistent when he begs for food whenever I'm eating something. He'll stick his face into any drink and spill anything.

But I've still been feeling a lot happier.

peace.

What do I need to do NOW to get where I need to be.

Things have gotten a lot better academically since I cut back my dose of prozac. I definitely feel more "with it" than I did before and able to comprehend the material more easily. At this point in time however I do feel like time is against me and that I'm going to have to really fight this quarter to pass one of my classes. 

Managerial has gone from bad to worse. I studied for the quiz for 4 1/2 hours on Wednesday and really thought I had the material down but the way the multiple choice questions were worded you almost had to have mastered it to know the correct answer. 

Like here's an example...

Going into the test I knew that oligopolies are markets that are dominated by a small number of sellers selling slightly differentiated products. Pricing decisions that one firm makes effects price that other firms in the industry makes (an oligopolist company lowering prices would cause demand for the other firms to drop, therefore the other firms would be forced to drop their prices too...)

You think that would be enough to know about one concept... Here's the question I got on the test about Oligopolies (*might not be the exact wording but this is basically what it said)

Which of the following is true of oligopolies?

A. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell standardized products.

B. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell differentiated products.

C. The price decisions made by oligopolies tend to effect it's competitors.

D. (*...another answer that seemed true)

E. All of the above.

So of course I'm just sitting here like Wtf. A and B cancel eachother out... When I think of standardized products I think of oranges or something in a perfectly competitive market so I ruled out A.. But then I thought B and C were correct so I didn't want to just choose either. I should have chose B because I know for sure that one is right but I ended up choosing E because I was convinced that B, C and D were all correct... 

There were a lot of questions on the test like this. Two answers look right, and then sometimes you have the choice of "all of the above" or "b and d" or something like that. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping I passed and got over a 70%... Seriously passing is what I care about in this class. Ghosh and I just don't connect... I don't like the way he lectures-- he goes way too fast and makes me feel like I don't belong there.. He makes me feel like I picked the wrong major. Which is the worst feeling imaginable...

So I have to fight. I want to be an economist. I want to have managerial skills and understand marginal analysis! I want to speak this language and be able to use economics terms correctly and confidently when I have to do essay questions on his tests. I know that in order to do this I have to work like I never have before while not neglecting my Money and Banking and Finance classes-- neither of which are cakewalks by any means.

But for some reason I always feel more initiative to read Sipic's material first, even if technically I'm doing the best in his class of all three and should be putting that last on my list. I think once again it just shows that my motivation is based a lot on the authority figure that I'm trying to impress. And I WANT TO do well in Ghosh's class too... (Jake would have me reword that to "I will do good in Ghosh's class") But it's the hardest class I've ever taken. 

This weekend I've dedicated almost entirely to studying. My Mom should be coming up this evening and we're going to go shopping tomorrow for the career fair. I think she's also going to get me a winter coat to survive the nasty wind and cold coming up here in less than a month. 

YangHaiYing made this video that really inspired me yesterday. It's true, school and work is chaos! When you have someone telling you what to do you feel out of control. That's why when you're alone and it's quiet (when you naturally want to be lazy because you can) you have to "create chaos" to continue making progress. 

The most important thing is to never give up... Ghosh has honestly been the first one that's made me question if I really belong here. I called my Mom yesterday and she said "Well maybe you don't need to do two majors, just do one..." I was like "Wtf? No!" That's basically like saying "Too hard, well fuck it I'll just half ass this." 

I will get that double major. I have this image in my head of how proud I will be to have both of those degrees and how ready and confident I will be to enter the real workforce at that point. In order to get there I MUST understand the logical theories that accompany MARGINAL ANALYSIS. I need to eat, sleep, breath marginal analysis... lol. 

Brad came over the other evening which was really nice, I made him chicken linguine with vegetables and he really liked it even if it turned out kind of spicy for my taste. Lol I'm not used to cooking for two people. We watched South Park and the Office and talked for hours. He's definitely one of my best friends, I feel like I can talk to him about anything and he won't judge me. He's very complimentary of me so he helps boost my self esteem when I'm feeling depressed... Yup, even if Brad's in his 30's I can relate to him much better than most people my age. Hanging around Brad has also made me more interested in men in their late 20's early 30's because I realize the maturity difference there.

Ha ha of course you all know one guy in his 30's that I'm absolutely crazy about.... Sigh, he's so amazing, funny, handsome and intelligent... If I could ever find a man like that I'd be set and live happily ever after. 

peace. 

Bad end to Round 1. Enter Round 2.

I did pretty horrible on my money and banking test (74%) and am finding it really hard to not feel extremely guilty because I partied this weekend. Had I just stayed home and reviewed the material on either Friday or Saturday night I would have done much better.

I just wanted to find some sort of balance in my life between school and having fun and thought that taking a break on the weekend would actually help me but it's only making me worse. My major is so difficult and the only way I'm going to get through it is to focus solely on myself and my understanding of the material. I've been so sick and worn out this last week it's been a struggle to get anything done....

I'm now nervous as Hell how I did on my public finance test. Today marks the beginning of Round 2-- I'm going to study harder, smoke less, not drink, go to bed on time, spend less time on facebook, take vitamins and eat healthier to get A's on my next tests to raise my overall grades to normal. I do not consider myself a person of "average" intelligence and when I got a score that reflected that it was like a stab in the heart and a slap in the face that I need to change my current habits.

peace.


I'll write more later after I get some work done and have a better idea of how I'm going to do this. I'm planning on writing a new practice sheet, weekly assignment schedule and priorities list today and hopefully get myself back to the confidence level of where I need to be...

Awessommme day, great stuff on the horizon

Evening err-body...

Well technically it's morning... 1:20 am to be exact. I had a really good day overall. Not having Ghosh's class at 3 made it feel like today was another Saturday. I only had Grandpa Carbaugh's* class at 10 and I was done. (Lol "Grandpa Carbaugh" is what some guys in my Finance class were calling him the other day because that's how he is to us-- he's like the superrr nice professor that every student likes to have one of on their course list because it makes the quarter less stressful.)

My money and banking quiz went well, 30/36, 83%.. I missed the highest possible amount to be satisfied with my score so it came really close but I'm feeling happy with it. When I'd glanced through the stack of papers I noticed a lot of 32's and even 36's so I figured Terry more than killed my score...... He didn't, in fact he did much worse than I'd anticipated considering how well he really knows the material.. Like he was able to name the different types of financial intermediaries off the top of his head and stuff that I was trying to absorb from the material turned out to be less useful then the funky conceptual things that I remembered on the True/False yesterday.


..Always feels good to beat my rival. Ha ha, Terry's still listed as "Gary Oak" in my phone. I got a phone call from him when he went to class not knowing that classes this week in Managerial were cancelled because he skipped the second half on Thursday.

I personally just think he's crazy to be taking 25 credits. I would much rather thoroughly study my 15 credits then try to race to my diploma.... I feel like Terry is much more confident than I am which is going to make him more prepared to go out into the world faster. I feel like I want the next year and a half to build my own confidence and improve my people skills before I can have that same confidence in my intelligence. Terry is just so shamelessly sure of himself about everything, which can be frustrating to me because even if it is clear that I am equally as intelligent as he is he always feels he's got the upper hand somehow-- this is where my rivalry with him stems from and I enjoy it.

Let's see what else... Oh, I met this really cute guy today just out of the blue. After money and banking I'd gone to the surc to study for an hour and got hungry. I bought this $5 chicken bowl thing (Alright I might be exaggerating just a bit, but "Pan Asia" sweet and sour chicken was nooo bueno. It was so rich and dense, I could barely eat any of it) and sat across from this guy who looked like he was studying. I was originally planning on studying too before I realized that eating this messy chicken bowl and studying wasn't possible so we ended up talking. His name is Nathan, he's tall and athletic, plays bass and likes the band Alter Bridge (which is PROG.... just imagine what other bands he's into ha ha ha)....

He's now got my number and we're facebook friends. Who knows maybe we'll never talk again but that was still nice to meet someone today.

Uhh, yeah did lots of studying today and redid the assignment for Sipic's class from the lovely 5/15 score to a respectable 14. Freaked out about nothing.

I'm trying to join the archery club.

Solid hour of guitar tonight too, on top of everything else. Fantastic day, hope I'm not completely exhausted tomorrow.

peace. 

Ears ringing teeth clicking ears ringing teeth clicking

My 22nd year is off to a good start.

I'll back up a little. My Mom came over for my birthday and we had dinner, talked, laughed,.. had a really good time. She also brought Miranda and I got to see how'd she react in my apartment. She was fine of course, it's definitely a good place to own a pet (if it was allowed) and she'd probably even be safe going outside and playing down by the river. But yeah, no, not gonna happen. I realize that I don't want the responsibility of having a pet here either because it's just one more thing to distract me.

Classes went well today. I've got an upcoming quiz in money and banking, which is luckily the class that I'm feeling the most confident in aside from still behind on the wall street journal articles. Tomorrow I plan to cut the articles that I need out and paste them somewhere for easy reference. Something about messing with a newspaper makes me frustrated.

I had managerial econ with Ghosh today and I guess we're not going to have lecture for a couple weeks so I'll have even more time to understand all of this reading material he's assigned-- excellent. I also realized today that I'm going about his classes wrong-- I need to print out his overheads that he explains in class so I can spend my time actually listening instead of trying to keep up with him with notes. It's impossible, he talks too fast and changes subjects frequently. Now that I understand this I'm actually looking forward to his next class (Thursday the 17th) to actually hear everything he's trying to tell us.

Fan 4ever. 

Terry of course sits by me in that class and I've noticed that he gets especially bored and likes to draw ugly pictures of weird muscle guys and write things to me on my textbook. Today he also started a tic-tac-toe game with me. I lost and he wrote "Rookie". I responded "I didn't waste time playing that stupid game growing up" and he's like "You missed out." I'm like "Bullshit. Pokemon is awesome." Ha ha ha.

Oh speaking of Pokemon! That X and Y game is coming out soon... Damn I didn't even play Black/White, can't believe they're coming out with a new gen already. I'm over here still playing SoulSilver because of my painstakingly slow method of playing this game (I take elite four training with exp. share to a new level... I'm pretty sure I've been through that shit 115 times) that I'm still partially convinced might be my last because of changes that will come in the next few years....

Anyway Pokemon X and Y graphics are sooo beautiful, in battle you can actually see the moves being cast. Charizard apparently now has a 4th evolution which I am indifferent about but hey.

I did an hour of successful meditation today after my economics class and afterward studied Managerial for a solid 30 minutes and practiced guitar for so I was happy about that. Usually I'm unable to get anything done between classes. I either sleep or waste time on the internet.

Some people (or just my friend Wiley, not sure yet) are driving up to Ellensburg tomorrow and we're going to hit the bars around here. Should be fun. Wiley brought it up to me out of the blue and I'm like Hell yea if you're willing to drive up here please do. I'm hoping he does bring some people along because I always enjoy a crowd but if it's just us that's fine too. Wiley's such a chill and enjoyable guy to talk to, Hell if he's the only one that comes I'd have no problem just bullshitting over some beer at the Tav. Sounds like a great time to me.

Guitar lesson went really well. Jake said I've improved significantly since I've started forcing myself to memorize music. He also send me this article:

http://www.wikihow.com/Use-the-Law-of-Attraction

Law of Attraction. He'd mentioned this before and I thought it was just supposed to be used for attracting the opposite sex but it's WAY more than that. It's so incredible and simple, I feel enlightened by reading it but cannot describe this further until I try to experiment with it tomorrow....

peace.

Listened to Purity ring on a couple of my bike rides today. Lol I don't know what it is about her music, it's just enjoyable yet creepy and alluring and weird at the same time-- kinda like me. : )

22 in 1.15 hours. Government might shut down for it.

Hello everyone.

This birthday has weighed on my mind quite a bit. I feel like this birthday has been more of a realization of adulthood than 21 was. Any time I begin to feel worry about aging I begin to think about how much more stressed and insecure I was this time last year... How I wasn't barely eating anything while trying to cram for 3 hours.. Ha ha, thank God for people like Kevin P. and Burnadette P. that gave me advice about the importance of rest and good food early on.

Me about this time last year. Cute picture but that dingy green tanktop is a pretty good representation of what I chose for my wardrobe at the time. Actually most days I'd wear practically all black to class-- either jeans and a black tank top or black yoga pants with a black tanktop. I was so stressed out at the time that I only cared about what was comfortable. 

This time last year I was also going through an increasing amount of anxiety. Note that I wasn't taking Prozac until about January, by then having gone through months of panic attacks and feeling the need to completely cut myself from the outside world as much as possible. Over time of taking my medication my panic attacks have ceased and my general outlook on live has improved. This has come from the support of my friends too.

Today was a typical Monday. Both of my economics professors spent a good amount of time talking about how there is potential for government shut down over the disagreement about Obamacare. Now that I realize why the Republicans oppose it I can see why this is happening... Originally I thought it all had to do with republicans feeling uncomfortable about the government overstepping it's bounds by making everyone buy insurance-- when in actuality it's the CHEAP insurance itself that is the problem. If Obamacare is implemented it will likely be run by democrats and republicans feel like this will give democrats too much power because all the people buying cheap insurance will want to keep the program running and will be more likely to vote democrat. It makes sense.

Yeah honestly I didn't understand why the Republicans hated Obamacare so much until Sipic explained it today. I love his lectures, the way he says things just makes sense.... even this totally abstract tool that he's trying to teach us about being able to measure the maximum amount of utility (pleasure) people can get from the stuff they buy. By the looks of it finding out how to do this is going to be a complete b**ch but the way he explained what it was made sense which is always the first step to figuring this junk out...

The formulas in economics are really bizarre and abstract because it tries to make humans actions (assuming that they're rational) quantifiable-- then to be moved onto graphs and stuff to be used for a company's research. It's not as boring as it sounds; actually it's the closest thing humans can get to predicting the future.

I texted the guy in my public finance class who's also the president of the econ club asking him when the first meeting is. He's friendly and helpful and I got the info I needed on that. I also signed up for that career fair november 1st that'll hopefully land me an internship.

Moving right along, yay. Sorry this entry was kind of boring guys.

peace.

Suicide girls (....and more Luke, lmfao)

Evening everyone.

Today's been pretty productive. Today I went to the library and printed out Ghosh's sort of insane looking 16-page handwritten notes meant to help us with an article we have to write about by the 15th. I originally went to the library to print Carbaugh's handouts for money and banking but wasn't able to log in because of a caps issue in the username. I feel like a moron because I sent him a message about it but then I figured out what I did wrong and I'm like, "uh duh..." ha ha.... third quarter of this professor's class, you think I'd be able to get this shit right.

Anyway, I plan on getting up earlier than usual tomorrow to go print out those handouts in the library before his class at 10.

Today I also read about half of Chapter 2 in my Managerial book, which for some reason I find the most difficult to read. It's funny, because all of my classes are economics I'm having difficulty distinguishing whether or not I'm unknowingly giving one class more time than another. The material is really fascinating though and I know my listening skills have improved a lot since last year.

Thinking back to this time last year, I was taking accounting with that kind of senile guy, pre-calculus and that law class with the New Yorker that called me "Miss Wilson." Ha ha ha, yeah I definitely remember feeling my eyelids feeling heavy in all three of those classes at one time or another.. I also remember doodling pointless stuff in the margins and counting down the minutes left in class. In these classes I couldn't imagine doing that because I feel like I need to remember as much as this stuff as possible for my own benefit in the future.


Oh!! weirdest a$$ thing happened today!! 

  

pictured: Kelsey R., Jake's girlfriend (left), who's also friends with Rachelle, my friend Samantha's sister in law (right). 
Because I've followed Rachelle's posts on facebook for a long time I've seen Kelsey's comments but we've never talked. 

Kelsey added me on facebook. Ha ha this was completely out of left field for me because from what I'd heard she didn't like me much. Yesterday was her 24th birthday and she posted a picture of a purse from Megan that I worked with at JCpennies. Finding out that they were friends didn't come as a surprise to me because I remember Megan telling me that she'd gone to a lot of local metal shows. Kelsey is also friends with Rachelle, as well as Brandon C. and a bunch of other music people Jake knows that have been in that scene. 

Anyway yeah she sent me a message saying that "Jacob said you wanted to be friends : )" and of course I was stoked because yes, I'd wanted to actually get in contact with her for awhile. I want her to form her own judgement of me but also see most importantly that even though Jacob means a lot to me-- and has made more impact on my life than anyone I've ever encountered, it is not a romantic or sexual attraction what so ever. Lol and I'm thankful I'm not into him that because theoretically if I was and would have made any passes at him he would have inevitably harshly rejected them, gotten angry at me for violating the professionalism of his business, and asked me to leave. Yeah not something that I have ever wanted at all. 

But yea it'd be pretty sick to actually get to know her as a person. From what I've seen we have a lot in common so I have never seen why not. 

In other news Luke's not mad. I think. 

He commented on a status I'd posted last night: "Why is it so hard for me to have people in my life here....... —" which is pretty much what was ringing through my head all night last night. He said "Join the club." because I'm pretty sure this is what he's feeling living in Seattle right now. Like he's considering moving to San Diego to continue his music career but is at a crossroads about it.  Probably not gonna send him any more messages directly though unless he gets ahold of me first because I still don't know what that "failed to send" shit was all about.. lol.

It's still awesome to me that we're communicating on facebook because I really look up to him as a musician. He's got hands like no other and is probably one of the greatest living guitarists in the world. 

So yeah that's it for my weekend. Just studying a lot, practicing, BSing with people on facebook, then studying more. Ha ha, lame. Looking forward to school this week though. My birthday is in two days and I don't have anything planned but maybe I'll try to figure out something for the upcoming weekend if I decide to make time for it.

peace.

Diving headfirst hoping I don't hit concrete

Very interesting second day.

Turns out I also have Managerial Economics with Terry on Tues and Thurs. He seemed surprised for some reason that I was in there.... Lol we're in the same major, this is bound to happen a lot. Anyway this was a pleasant surprise for both of us because we will greatly be able to benefit each other this quarter like we did last, except this time we're actually more comfortable around eachother now that I can move past the awkward guessing game and treat him as a friend.

I just enjoy how he challenges my intellect. Today he told me he has a roommate from Montana. I would later state that "Montana is the least densely populated state in the United States." Terry replied after thinking for 2 seconds, "No, you're wrong, Alaska. Montana's second."

Okay YEAH but if you're talking about inside the continental United States then I'm right.

Terry would later say "Yeah you have to get up earlier than that to beat me." BAH.

My managerial economics professor intimidated me today because he said himself that his class is "very difficult but he didn't want to publish that on his site because nobody would take the class." He talks fast and has a lot to say but his lecture was thoroughly interesting.

My public finance  paper that I have to write is super open ended and I'm planning on doing it on the connection between testing scores and how much money a school is given by the government. The school system like anything else is a business and the teachers always had this motivation to teach us how to get high test scores on the stupid State standardized tests and now I realize it had to do with money. 

Oh my car broke down and it's stuck in a parking lot over by Shaw... hope it doesn't get towed. Parents are coming up first thing tomorrow morning and we're going to get some things taken care of, like my financial aid and the fact that right now I don't have a bike. Walking sucks! ha ha Brooklane is like a mile and a half from where my car broke down today. 

peace. 

I can feel the changes

Man, so many changes over the past day I really should write.

I now live in my own apartment, though from the inside it appears more as a house. My room and bathroom is upstairs when my kitchen and living room is downstairs. I spend most of my time in the hallway where my desk is placed which is admittedly sort of cramped but it keeps me from slouching. My knees are usually up against the drawers and the back of my seat against the wall. Time to get a smaller desk if the opportunity arises-- though I do like this spot.

My neighbors are an interesting bunch... When they say Brooklane is an apartment complex that has families they meant it.. Actually most of the people I've seen here are either couples or couples with children. One of my neighbors is a single Mom with three kids. She was super forthcoming and friendly, though straight up told me that she's loud. Considering that this apartment was one of the last one-bedroom assigned here, I'm wondering if the previous neighbors had an issue....

I am going to give this woman the benefit of the doubt as much as possible that she will not be a pain in my ass. Having neighbors that aren't perfectly quiet is nice because I'm very quiet and sometimes the silence of last year got to me. Though I did witness my first yelling match between her and her son today that was pretty intense.... Apparently her son was goofing off today at school and doesn't want to do his homework and she's frustrated because she has her own work to do. Understandable. But there was some pretty colorful language that I never had to deal with growing up... I am fortunate.


Anyway!! First day of school. No "new" professors today-- I just had a class with Carbaugh and Sipic. Carbaugh's Money and Banking class was pretty boring for me because he went over the syllabus and how to pass the class and this is the third time I've heard it, lol... (btw I'm sitting by Terry again and he's not in my public finance class... good no distractions). Money and Banking itself is "Carbaugh's favorite subject to teach" so I'm looking forward to it being more in depth than micro and macro economics.

Sipic's public finance class on the other hand was actually really interesting because A)  He did an introduction to private finance and B)..... I was *kind of* excited to see him, ha ha ha-- creepy student status. He looked really nice today, it looks like he really got in shape over the summer and his hair is short...... He always has a way of making his lecture productive and relevant yet interesting enough that I don't want to miss anything.... Even if we're talking about the damn syllabus which is a day when most people don't pay attention everyone was. His presence and confidence demands attention and respect.

I was one of the two girls in the entire class, the other one being about 40 years old.

Didn't wear the adventure time shirt as much as the kid in me wanted too. Gotta at least give people a chance to take me seriously. But yeah, one of these days I'll post a picture of my awesome Hot Topic find.... dur hur hur lol I'm a DORK....

So yeah, really excited for what's to come this year. I plan on working harder than ever because I have no reason not too. I'm here, I need to take full advantage of every day to make it worth the incredible debt it creates.

peace. 

Good day ended with good BBQ

I've been feeling pretty good about my stats test that I took this afternoon.. I mean I did such an absurd amount of studying on it there's no reason that I shouldn't do at least better than my third test (66%...). I automatically had 20% of the points when I started taking the test because of an excel assignment that he added as an optional bonus. That cut down the initial stress quite a bit.

Sipic offered to meet with me to redo my schedule for a THIRD time... Lol I just crack up at how helpful he's been because I've been figuring a lot of stuff out this quarter. I have to do the paperwork for my finance major and mix up my class order so that I'm taking classes for both majors until this upcoming winter or so. I'm so excited about my classes next year, this year has definitely been an indication that this is the right choice for me.

Tomorrow I have no class which is nice but I'll be spending a good deal of it reading my economics book. Terry and I will study tomorrow more than likely, it'll be our last session for this quarter. We've both worked extremely hard. I don't know if I told you guys this but yesterday I actually told him I liked him. He came over to work on the stats lab (we weren't able to get very far on it working together) but really all he did was sit there and crack jokes and give me sh*t because he didn't know what he was doing apparently.

Bradley C. BBQ'd a bunch of meat and invited me to come hang out with them. I had actually just gotten up from a nap and I was super hungry so that was nice. I wolfed down a hamburger and a bratwurst really fast.. I don't know I think I might be slightly iron deficient because I haven't been cooking steak for myself at my apartment anymore...Anyway it was super sweet of him to have me. I also had a slice of watermelon that really hit the spot too. I was super thankful, I did not want to cook tonight what so ever and felt lucky. 

ouch, my left wrist is really sore tonight, I better stop typing.

peace. 

I've got this under control, But there's no guarantee

Damn, so I told you guys the other day that Terry said Economics is the best specialization competitively.. That's really sat in my mind, so I sent my stats teacher an email on it because he's actually an economics adviser to see what he thinks. He hasn't responded back so I feel like a goob, of course I reread the way that I wrote that email like 5-6 times to make sure it didn't sound weird. He's probably really busy and I can't expect some immediate response. I just feel like I've bugged him more than I've bugged any professor ever.

It's not just my competitiveness with Terry that causes me to contemplate these decisions, it was more my overall experience this quarter. If I do switch over to economics from Finance I am not going to tell Terry because it'll look weird.


So maybe I'll be doing an economics specialization with a MINOR in finance.

I'm not looking forward to my stats lab tomorrow at all so I'm going to kind of study how to do the linear regression models on excel beforehand so I don't get lost on it tomorrow. My A is looking pretty good even with that low exam score-- 20% of the final grade is going to be based on an excel assignment that we turn in. If I can get some help from Kevin P. to make sure I'm on the right track that'd be really helpful.

This is Kevin P., aka Peter Parker from me because he's saved me on a few assignments that I haven't been able to get this year. 

Not saying I'm going to ask him to practically do it for me. In fact I plan on doing an online tutorial on youtube-- how about THAT... But no seriously, Kevin is really smart and he always knows the correct way to do things. He's better at reading directions than I am.

ZZZZZZZPPPPPTTTTTTT

Lol I was taking weird pictures this morning.

Pointing is rude in a lot of cultures so obviously I didn't post this, but I figure why the Hell wouldn't I post it here it's not like anyone really reads this. Or do you, for anyone that does that's super cool-- I don't proofread much when I write these.

..Which can occasionally get me into trouble. I found an old entry and felt super humiliated because it was SUPER open... I have no idea if I was drunk or depressed or super emotional when I was writing that night but GOOD God... I would never, ever be as open with this blog as I did with that entry nowdays. And it makes me wonder what else is back there, but I don't want to look.

Old entries are like old skeletons. I want to be able to dig them up someday when I'm old and be able to indiscriminately read because I'm older and wiser than I am as I'm writing these entries. Like I can read blog entries that I wrote on myspace a long time ago and not feel too embarrassed, but if I find something from 2011 that's super bias or gives off the wrong message I contemplate deleting it because I don't want people to think that's what I represent now. 

Whatever. I'm human, this is a good outlet, I'll say whatever I want on a given day for the most part.

I feel like everyone around me is so sick of school

It's like the weather sucks so bad here in Ellensburg that everyone wants to go home where it's warmer. It's so hard to get motivation when it's rainy so I haven't been doing much of anything but sit around and study. Really these rainy days couldn't have come at a better time because I'm not tempted to go anywhere. Meh... unless it's above 70 degrees I'm pretty good with the indoors. 

Alright it's guitar time. Gotta lesson today, hell yea!!!

peace.