This week wore me out

Evening to anyone out there reading, it's Saturday June 7th. 

This is the first weekend I've had in awhile that I'm not doing anything and it sucks. But then again that's because the last few weekends I've spent hanging out with Joel so it's probably good that we have a break and he does his own thing tonight. 

Last Wednesday, Matt, Joel and I got together to study, originally having planned to work on forecasting in the library at 5. I went there and worked on the retail project for hours before they showed up. We had our econ midterm the next day and were all feeling the pressure so I was surprised when they weren't there until about 8:30. 

That evening Joel seemed really distant. When we saw eachother we didn't touch or kiss at all. In fact we didn't until he put his hand on my leg in the car and said I was going to do fine on the test I was so nervous about. We then kissed passionately when I dropped him off at home so I felt okay. 

Thursday was test day and that morning I went to Shaw an hour and a half early to finish up. I hadn't taken my Prozac in two days and was taking Wellbutrin instead until I got the refill so I was feeling really on-edge. I sat down with that guy Kyle F. that I thought was cute at the beginning of the quarter who I'd noticed was studying that morning too. 

When I'm desperately trying to cram information into my head I don't like chit chatting. Usually the morning before a test I'll be wearing earplugs just to fully focus on what I need to remember instead of getting distracted by ambient sound or other people's conversations. When we were sitting there Kyle kept on talking, like reading to himself and every so often going "Oooh! Did you know that [insert random fact from the questions he's working on while I have earplugs in and am trying to study my own shit]..?" And I'd pull my earplug and be like "What?...oh yeah sure, whatever.." I was in the zone, I didn't want to be bugged. 

Joel walked up and sat with us at about 8:30 and they started talking and talking. I felt myself having to re-read things over and over so at one point I pretty nervously said to Kyle: "Hey, I'm sorry I get distracted really easily, can you not like... read aloud to yourself?" and Joel turns and says, "Uhh translation shut the hell up.."

Kyle just grinned at me like "Well that's you, I'm going to do whatever the Hell I want. What you want me to leave?" I'm sure my eyes got really wide and I'm like, "No..? I didn't mean you had to stop talking entirely I just meant when you read to yourself it's kind of hard to focus..." and then there was this long, awkward silence. I felt like such a dork for saying anything.

I guess maybe to get my mind off them I reached into my backpack and grabbed a bag of popcorn, set it on the table and ate a couple pieces. Joel looks at me and says impersonating me, "Uhm Emily I get distracted really easily and when you're eating that popcorn it's making it really hard for me to focus." Kyle's like "Nice." Again making me feel like a complete dork. I ended up leaving early to go get coffee. 

So yeah it wasn't a great morning before the test but I did get a lot of studying done. I think I did alright on the test itself, it's really hard to tell because it was hard. We have the ETS exam next Thursday that I know I'll be doing a ton of studying for this week.

Yesterday aside from going to Carbaugh's class to get information about the test I didn't do much. I slept a lot, played guitar and worked out in the evening. Today I slept in really late and did a ton of art. I think my body is just trying to recharge from how hard I've had to work this last week.

Anyway this next week is the final stride. Just have to do my forecasting project and the ETS exam. I'm hoping Joel and I continue to spend time together regardless of acting kind of weird and distant from eachother in the past few days. 

peace. 

Tomorrow is the start of a very important week.

Tomorrow is the start of a very important week. 

One where I plan on working very hard and diligently. Do everything I can to get my forecasting assignment done smoothly and still be ready for my econ test on Friday. I'm so lucky, Carbaugh is having us turn in the rough drafts for our paper on Monday so I'll have this week to work on it bit by bit and then really pull it together this weekend. 

I need to stay out of my apartment as much as possible and try to work at the library or in Shaw. I find that when I'm at home feeling frustrated and alone I start getting really panicky. This weekend I did spend about three hours total studying forecasting so I wasn't feeling *too* nervous about taking a whack at the homework that's due Tuesday. It was going fine until for some stupid reason when I'd restarted the program the "fpp" package was giving me an error when I tried to require it and the dataset that I needed seemed to have disappeared. 

So I was really angry about my bad luck tonight. I messaged Wassell about what happened and also mentioned to him how much I'm struggling with the program and when/where the tutor is available. I'm hoping he gets back to me soon. There's a couple guys in my forecasting class that seem really cool that are also in my econ 406 class that I'm hoping to maybe get together with tomorrow. 

Michael is done, I successfully bothered him enough lately to get help with this class during my time of desperation when I was spending all of my time trying to understand FIN370. I annoyed him and I don't blame him. Now here I am, six weeks later. Even after spending hours and hours trying to keep up in finance I couldn't hack it, still failed the test, and have felt like a sitting duck since day 1 in forecasting. 

There's still time to get this though. I've been working so hard to review and understand the old material to get caught up. It's just hard when I don't have a laptop to bring to class to work along with the lecture (making my notes pretty useless on most days). 

This week I'm going to try to have really good habits. I'm going to go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier to have more time to study (...and practice guitar when I'm not studying), eat healthier (no more frozen dinners!!) and take my medication at the same time every day. I don't have time to take naps, it zaps my entire day and makes me feel more stressed out later. I just need to remember to start making lunch as soon as I get back from Carbaugh's and take caffeine right after. 

This weekend was kind of fun because I hung out with my friend John yesterday and I had dinner with him and his friends. They're all really nice, easy to get along with people. I don't feel like I'm being judged or that they will suddenly decide they hate me, ha ha ha. I'm thinking Fall quarter I'm going to live in the dorms near them. John really likes art, pokemon and food so we always have a good time together ha ha ha. 

peace. 

Coming down to the wire. And some tragic news.

Spring forward's a pain in the ass. You lose an hour of sleep and feel like the day is flying by that much faster. This wasn't good timing considering I've got two very important, make or break assignments in the next few days. I am going to use my time wisely toward the completion of my assignments. I have to not be tempted to spend time drawing or playing guitar, I'll have pleeeenty of time for that over Spring break. 

This week is the last week of class. Terry and I met up at the library to do the last econ homework assignment and he's like "Can you believe that? I'm sooo excited for this to be over, aren't you??.." The reminder of this made me feel more anxious than anything. I know that this next week and a half is going to be the most difficult because I sincerely want to finish strong and solidify what I learned this quarter. Doing well this next week and a half will give me the most ultimate sense of achievement which is something worth fighting for.

I have a management paper due on Tuesday at 12 pm and a economics test on Wednesday at 1 pm.

On a completely unrelated note, I have some terrible news.

This is a recent picture of my youngest cousin, my aunt's son. He's so sweet I had to post a picture of him but I'm not going to post names just for privacy's sake.... 

My aunt has been doing great since her pregnancy. She was clean from drugs at the time but also ensured her sobriety by participating in an Oxford house program. She was later able to find a good job, started renting her own place, and built up a network of friends to support her through life in general. Everyone in our family thought things were going great for my aunt, but not much had been said about her current relationship status. 

Well apparently this guy is a complete bastard piece of shit that had the nerve to cheat on my aunt while she was at work to support her son. My aunt found out last night and they got in a huge fight over it. The baby was with my older cousin at the time and she was unable to get ahold of my aunt that night which was bizarre and she got worried. She kept calling and calling with no answer. My other aunt was finally able to get ahold of her later that night and the phone call sounded muddy and she sounded almost incoherent. 

Apparently the fight had gotten physical and she was knocked out unconscious last night. She was taken to the hospital and was in a coma until this afternoon. The blunt force trauma caused her to have a stroke that messed up the right side of her body and she will have to go through weeks (maybe months) of rehabilitation to recover. She won't be able to work and is going to need a lot more help with Wyatt, the responsibility of which will be passed around by my other aunt, uncle and grandma. But of course my aunt and uncle have jobs so my Grandma's going to be doing most of it. It makes me wish there was some way I could help but there's really not aside from give moral support so I gave her a call today to make sure everything was alright. 

My grandma's dealing with this pretty well. She isn't as worried as I would have thought she would be when I called. I guess regardless of having little control over the right side of her body right now my aunt was able to chew and swallow food. We're the most concerned about her mental state and will have to support her and the baby as a family. 

peace. 

6 hours is LONG enough, and I'm tired of this game we play

I'm COMPLETELY drained.... Today I had to sacrifice going to my classes for an all day study session for money and banking, which turned into a practically all night section that I'm just finishing (it's 1:28 am).

It's taken me six hours to get where I'm at now and I still feel like I've barely got a hold on the material. This class is so dry and difficult, but I know that if I do good on the test tomorrow it might make it easier to raise my grade with the final. I know that right now I'm sitting on a C in that class, which pisses me off and I've been doing everything I can to raise it (clearly...) but at times it can get so confusing. We've been learning all about the Federal reserve and how it controls the money supply using different tools, mainly open market operations and discount loans to banks. Having to try to figure out why the interest rates are the way they are and how it affects bank lending is SUPER interesting too! Not. God this class has been icky.

I had a quiz in managerial yesterday that I think I did reasonably well on. Terry was driving me nuts yesterday. I showed up wearing earplugs because I wanted to focus. He asked me why I was wearing them and I said that it keeps my ears warm when I'm biking (also true). "You know you can get earmuffs for that." Okkkkay Terry you're so smart.

Then he goes on to tell me how "high" I seemed. "You're so high... Oh my God your eyes are all bloodshot. How much did you smoke? Like four bowls?" Honestly I hadn't smoked any more than usual and my eyes were NOT bloodshot, but I was tired and didn't feel like talking or even making eye contact with him. I'd been studying for the test for the last two hours and felt a reasonably confident but Terry has a way of making me feel insecure and sick when taunts me before a test like he tends to do.

He says that he does this because he enjoys messing with me and I shouldn't take what he says so seriously. AND granted I do this to him a lot too but he's so full of himself that almost everything that I say is automatically shut down as invalid then he just goes on about my faults. Granted yes, Terry is athletic, attractive, smart, his family's rich, he can get with pretty much any girl he wants.. He was dealt a good card in life and hasn't had much to worry about. But he's not perfect and life eventually slaps everyone in the face.

.... I guess what I'm saying is I've come to realize he's become more of a burden than someone that helps me at this point. I know I'm going to be in his class next quarter in maybe even two  of my classes but I've decided to not sit by him this time if it comes to that. I'm going to sit in the front row (out of sight out of mind), probably have to deal with jealously that will come with the fact that he'll sit next to another girl. We will probably still text eachother our test scores which can keep some of that competitive aspect, but sitting by him has made it increasingly difficult to concentrate and I know I need to do this for my own sake....

This might help me also meet some new people in my classes. It's sucked not having a crush here for this long.



peace. 

I needed someone to feed

MIA came out with a new album November 1st, I just did my first Tiffany Rothe workout video in a long time to this.

I think I need to download more workout videos and start going to the gym because I think my body has gotten completely used to these workouts and they are not bringing me the same results they once did. I've heard that can happen. 

Nooo economics reading! This was this morning when I was studying for a money and banking test.

I have had a really good few days. I feel like having Marshall has put me in overall better spirits, and his mischievousness is a low price to pay for how wonderful it's been to have him around. Just like any other kitten he loves to play.. Like right now he's jumping through the arm holes of my backpack and making me laugh my ass off. Marshall also learned how to climb the stairs which was a proud accomplishment.

Let's see, what else. Well my Money and Banking test today went alright I think. This morning I met up with Randy on a bench in Shaw to study the notes. I crammed them really hard for every second of 40 minutes I could get in that he was there. Like I stood outside the door and looked at that packet of questions until 9:59 am (class starts at 10, lol...).

It was funny because the frantic Mexican girl that's always late and wears cute clothes came up doing the exact same thing with her packet. Granted I did not prepare for this as well as I could have... The reading was just painfully boring in two of the three chapters and I would find myself fighting to not fall asleep while reading them. I mean they were okay... I don't know, it's all relevant so I need to keep as positive of an outlook as possible. 

I'm really excited for tomorrow because I should be meeting with my adviser to figure out what classes I'm taking next quarter. He asked me about it yesterday and was like "Emily do you know what you're registering for next quarter? You're the only one of my advisees that hasn't talked to me about it yet.." And I'm like "Uhhhm nope!"

Guitar went well today. I'm getting into the really difficult, intricate solo parts of master of puppets and there are communication issues via skype. Jake is going to make me a video and upload it to Youtube instead with exact instructions. He's the best teacher ever what can I say.

peace. 

Can you be any more endlessly helpful? ...And sexy dresses.

Look at all that.

Okay I know you guy's can't really tell what all that is but that was my to-do list today and everything I've gotten done and it's only 7:30 pm. I studied a total of 3 hours today, including a solid hour on Managerial and I'm not even done yet. I also read the entire chapter on Public goods twice this weekend. 

This last Thursday I was feeling really discouraged about my time management lately... Like having gotten a 72% on that Money and Banking test made me realize that I had to change some things to more evenly distribute my studying for my classes instead of just focusing primarily on one course for an upcoming assignment. By writing out all that I need to do at the beginning of the day makes me feel obligated to accomplish them, this really does work.

Jake also sent me this packet called "Live Your Legend" weekly planning which is going to help me reflect on the progress I'm making each week as well as set goals for upcoming weeks. So yeah, this has been great.. This weekend I've been more productive than I was all week and I plan to continue to use these methods this week to feel more confident both academically and the guitar, and this confidence will evolve into happiness. 

Jake told me that the power of perception is everything too, and by simply forcing myself to think "I CAN read this chapter..." instead of "Damn I don't want to read this..." or "I will do this" instead of "I wish I'd do this.." This has helped me a ton this week too. Whenever I find myself getting stressed over not understanding the material I'm reading I think to myself "I can learn this" and it sort of pushes me to move forward. I know it sounds silly but it works. 

Uhh let's see, Friday I just stayed in (did get invited to go out but have been hacking my brains out all weekend and wanted to heal). 

Yesterday evening when I felt a little better I decided to go to Kyle's house when he'd invited me to hang out. I had already told Kyle like twice that I wasn't really into him that way so I was surprised that he invited me to hang out in the first place. I saw his friends that he lives with from the other night, one of them was sooo wasted and loud and borderline scary acting... I definitely was not into any of the guys there that way either. Originally when I came over I thought we'd be going to the bars but we ended up staying because there was a party going on next door. 

Short, tight party dresses.  I can't say I own any of these. 

Their neighbor that was having a party was this girl named Lyndsey who seemed really nice, of course it was late and who knows how drunk everyone was. She was really pretty and her friends were too. They were wearing these teeny-tiny dresses that I always see girls wearing at college parties.. Of course I'm over here in jeans like always. I was really stoked to have met Lyndsey because she lived in on her own in a house too, is a senior and we seemed to have a lot in common so I was trying to talk to her. Her boyfriend showed up though and she wandered off so I don't know if I made a lasting impression.

 I think I was pretty friendly there and it was nice that I got out and be around people though I doubt I'll see any of them again. The more Kyle came onto me the more I pushed him away and now that he realizes he can't get anything out of it there's no point in having me around. 

Meh who cares. I'm not here to build relationships, I'm here to grow intellectually and confidence as an individual. 

peace. 

Most extreme uphill battle.

God damn I don't say this enough but I am proud to be me right now.

I just finished perhaps the most difficult test I've ever taken, aside from those horrible accounting tests I took the first quarter here where I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Of course this test was for Money and Banking so there's no excuse for me to not to be able to comprehend the material. If I were to do bad on a test, it means I didn't study hard enough. Period.

And even if I've been studying money and banking pretty consistently for the past week yesterday was a rude awakening that I still had a lot of work to do. Terry and I met up in the library yesterday around 6 after both of us had studied on our own for a couple hours. I brought the multiple choices questions (Terry didn't.) and we tried studying from that but there were so many answers that I didn't have that the process was slow.

I'm really lucky that this guy named Randy came up and started studying with us because he had a better grasp on the material than I did and was able to work with me on the material better than Terry. I feel like Terry wasn't prepared, he didn't even have his handouts with him and I had to reprint mine. It wasn't actually until Randy showed up that I realized the handouts match so closely with the multiple choice questions which saved me a lot of time. Even after we made this discovery Terry still didn't print them out so unless he went home and studied a ton last night and this morning like I did I think I might have beat him on this one.

Though I could be eating my words later... I'll let you know what my first Money and banking and public finance test scores on Thursday. Tomorrow I have NO CLASS! (Perfect timing...) I'm not out of the clear for the day yet though, I've still got to write that essay on risk for managerial which means I need to read Appendix A and B over again...

So yeah man my senior year's been tough so far and I've never feel so challenged yet so fulfilled with myself when I push myself as hard as I do to understand these theories and concepts.

On test days I wear my hair like the Tomb Raider because it makes me feel more confident for some reason. Girl power! lol

I haven't even practiced my guitar in two days, doesn't that suck? Sometimes you just have to do what you've gotta do though to accomplish your most important priorities... last night if I would have chose to play my guitar when I got home from studying at the library instead of studying more I probably would have done a lot worse today. 

That assignment for managerial opens up at 3 and it's 11:39 right now... I feel like going back to bed. I can always practice guitar after I do that writing assignment because I have no school tomorrow and will have plenty of time this evening. Oscar did invite me to come out and drink but that's just a weekend thing for me..... meh I want to hang out with people that are trying to be my friend though. 

This last weekend I did go out to the bars on Friday and Saturday. On Friday I went with Bruce and his friends after Abe ditched me and Saturday I went over to Allie's then to a bar. I was originally really on the fence about whether I wanted to go out on Saturday because I did have a lot of reading to do but looking back I'm happy I did. Allie's friends were quite nice to me even if when I first got there I know I was putting off kind of a sad vibe-- I don't know that night I just wasn't in the mood and it was really hard for me to get there. I think it's because I felt guilty and was debating whether I wanted to drink or not. Once I did start drinking I loosened up, and ended up eating a big dinner so the hangover on Sunday wasn't bad. 

Pita pit drunkies is the best. Lol I swear to God I eat WAY more when I'm drinking than when I'm smoking. "Munchies" have never really existed for me but "Drunkies" definitely does. Ha ha it's like the more I drink the more I can actually relax about enjoying food... which is why I gotta keep drinking to a minimal if I want to keep my frame.

That night I danced with a friend of one of Allie's friends named Nathan at the 301. Nathan was a super cool guy who kept me company that night, took me to go get food when I was hungry at shooters and everyone else had eaten-- you know figured I'd dance with him. But I wasn't like into it romantically at all and I remember him kissing on my neck when we were dancing at the bar and I remember thinking "Damn it'd be so f*cking funny if Terry happened to be here and see this.." because I know he would have been jealous as Hell. He's always so vague when it comes to talking about this (dare I say) "relationship" we have and likes to act like he doesn't give a shit but I know that if he were to see something like that it would bother him because he's never perceived a threat of me losing interest in him. 

It could happen. I do meet other guys. But with Terry being there all the time it makes it difficult for my romantic interest to shift elsewhere... and because there's no way we'll actually be in a relationship in college because it's too close for comfort I just have to be content with the way things are now. 

I need to start writing more so I have more patience to write about the details of these nights out because they're the nights I'll want to remember. Right now I don't feel like telling much more about it 

peace. 

Good day ended with good BBQ

I've been feeling pretty good about my stats test that I took this afternoon.. I mean I did such an absurd amount of studying on it there's no reason that I shouldn't do at least better than my third test (66%...). I automatically had 20% of the points when I started taking the test because of an excel assignment that he added as an optional bonus. That cut down the initial stress quite a bit.

Sipic offered to meet with me to redo my schedule for a THIRD time... Lol I just crack up at how helpful he's been because I've been figuring a lot of stuff out this quarter. I have to do the paperwork for my finance major and mix up my class order so that I'm taking classes for both majors until this upcoming winter or so. I'm so excited about my classes next year, this year has definitely been an indication that this is the right choice for me.

Tomorrow I have no class which is nice but I'll be spending a good deal of it reading my economics book. Terry and I will study tomorrow more than likely, it'll be our last session for this quarter. We've both worked extremely hard. I don't know if I told you guys this but yesterday I actually told him I liked him. He came over to work on the stats lab (we weren't able to get very far on it working together) but really all he did was sit there and crack jokes and give me sh*t because he didn't know what he was doing apparently.

Bradley C. BBQ'd a bunch of meat and invited me to come hang out with them. I had actually just gotten up from a nap and I was super hungry so that was nice. I wolfed down a hamburger and a bratwurst really fast.. I don't know I think I might be slightly iron deficient because I haven't been cooking steak for myself at my apartment anymore...Anyway it was super sweet of him to have me. I also had a slice of watermelon that really hit the spot too. I was super thankful, I did not want to cook tonight what so ever and felt lucky. 

ouch, my left wrist is really sore tonight, I better stop typing.

peace. 

Was finally able to get an opinion out of terry, it's a miracle! ha ha ha

I apologize if this is written really sloppily guys, I'm exausted beyond belief and I'm going to crash so hard when I finish writing this....

Today's been just a hard work day. I skipped speech class and pray we didn't happen to have that test today because I really needed that nap....

What's strange to me is that Central is having it's book buyback tomorrow which means I plan on selling back my speech and maybe economics depending on if I'm taking the final or not. I probably won't take it unless I got under an 85% on the exam today. I've done really well in that class overall and as long as I'm doing better than Terry I won't take it. I'm putting 100% effort into studying for my stats final right now... and feel as though I'm making little progress on it even if I read the material and do the practice problems again and again. It's just very difficult conceptually. When you are trying to learn stats concepts you feel like your brain is running on a treadmill backwards, it's just so different.

But like I said before, a really good grade on that final equals an A in the class and dropping that exam 4 grade.

So I did get a chance to sit down with Sipic and discuss my thoughts on switching from finance to economics. It didn't take much for him to convince me because I'd honestly made up my decision but he was able to whip up a new graduation plan for me in about 15 minutes. Turns out I could actually graduate at the end of next spring if I major in econ. He also told me that I should consider doing a double major (Economics and finance) because it would only take me two additional quarters (Summer and Fall).. I'm really thinking about doing that, I don't see why not.

I took my econ test this morning and I think I did pretty well. Terry and I met up at around 8 this morning to study for the exam. He didn't seem as solid on a lot of the content as I did but that's obviously because I had no life all weekend.... Anyway we had a really good study session. We had an interesting conversation monday night.

So I was finally able to get Terry to tell me what he thought of me... sort of.. We'd started this by me mentioning that I was starting to find of figure him out and he was like "oh yeah, prove it" you know so I started to list off some things.

I told him that he's "Driven, serious, and have high standards of success for yourself. You are closed emotionally. You're blunt and decisive." He said that was a pretty accurate analysis.

He told me that I am "Start and dedicated to school and your guitar, learning new things, you're kinda quirky but nice and like to do your own thing." I liked this description of me a lot.

Writing right now is painful, I have to go to sleep. night

peace.

When your brain hits the frantic button

I had the most ridiculously difficult statistics test today. I studied nearly 6 hours for it total, if not more... I felt like half that time was spent just reading the concepts over and over to just try to wrap my head around what the hell they were talking about. 

I felt like I was doing great on the test until the Sipic said "10 minutes" when I was on problem 16 out of 32. Need I say more?

New approach to finishing stats tests, and math tests in the future..... 

LOOK at the problem, read it. Read it AGAIN. 

Figure out what kind of problem it is.

Don't really look at answers.

Apply equation.

Check algebra. 

Instead I was doing... (*when I realized I was running out of time that is)

Read problem

Look at answers

Try to draw some conclusion and feel a little overwhelmed when the answer didn't stick right out at me (obviously)

Rewrite the f'ing information in the question...

Then find the equation.

Feel pressed for time.

Try to apply equation.

Feel like I'm wasting too much time.

Sloppily apply arithmetic.

Circle closest answer.

It was miserable!! Ha ha, though on the bright side I know I DID get some right answers just from studying the hell out of the material these past few days. I'm hoping that works as a buffer from completely failing the test because that's embarrassing. 

I want an A in that class sooo bad. I want to do super well on that final so I'm going to spend these next couple weeks really solidifying the concepts we've been covering over and over and over again. That's why it's so frustrating is because I can see it coming together but with this kind of math you have to try it again and  again before you actually know it. 

The lame thing about today is that I skipped econ to study for stats but I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and a half after I studied for an hour. I feel like the better option would have been to take a rhodiolla and kept working. That probably would have gotten it to the level that I would have needed to do well on the last 5-6 problems that I pretty much threw away by guessing. 

So yeah sometimes even if I think I've fully prepared myself things can still throw me for a loop. 

Well I had the coolest thing happen today! 

After my friend Matt stopped by at around 6' I finally rallied enough to go grocery shopping. My Mom wrote me a check that I can't switch over to my account until the 25th but until then I am officially BROKE. Lol I had to use that cash today before I spent it on a slice of pizza or something at North because I've been eating away at my food surplus the past couple weeks. That's been a good experience for me in itself because I feel like I was too wasteful at the beginning of the year but that's because I made crappy choices on what I was buying.

$19.94.

When I saw that was the total I was so stoked, like I felt like I had just won the price is right. I had gone through at store in about a half hour. I'm not kidding, it was so fast because I didn't want to give myself time to look around. 

Oh, and I saw Sipic in the f*ing store, I'm not even kidding right now. I was just thinking "Good God I do not want to make small talk with you right now." Especially after I felt like a complete dork because I was the lasttttt one in class to finish that damn test and kind of took advantage of the time constraint. Again, why does this matter to me what so ever? I can't tell you.

Well Terry had no problem acting like a dick today, like always. We actually texted quite a bit today because I'm sure he was pissed off about the test as I was. Lol it's so funny any time we get done with tests one of us will text eachother like "How'd you do?" Next quarter we're going to be in two classes together, with two of the same professors that we had this quarter. I'm excited that I'll have no problem staying motivated in the fall if we can manage to keep this up. 

I think that's why we never get too close... is because neither of us want to lose this. It's like I'll try to be kind of flirtatious with him occasionally but his responses are usually kind of vague. I kind of like to think of Terry as more than someone I just study with and use as a tool of motivation because there is still some weird part of me that likes him. Or maybe I just like the overall outcome of being around him. It feels fantastic to have someone as competitive as I am to fuel my fire. 

The high point of my day was getting in contact with someone and getting their number completely unexpectedly. Well that and my friend Matt came over. Yeah it wasn't a terrible day. All I know is I wanted to write and I need to study econ.

peace. 

Let's make this next four weeks as painless as possible, shall we

I've got five minutes before my speech class.

Last night I prayed to God I could work really hard today. I asked him that my mind feel energized so I can get things done because I'm not feeling particularly comfortable about the statistics material right now. It's STILL taking time to click even if I've studied the material for about four hours in the last couple days. The day before the test is the only day that I skip in stats because he only reviews the old material which I can do from my apartment and get more retention for my time.

Granted I know that I can't teach myself this. I always feel like crap when I skip a class but if I actually study and use the time I feel okay about it. Today is one of those days. Chose to skip statistics because my attendance in speech isn't fantastic and I can't afford to skip that again. Speech class kind of drains me and I always want to take a nap afterward which is frustrating because the evening used to be prime guitar practice time for me while I make dinner.

I've tried to control this problem by letting myself relax in the late evening around 8'. Unfortunately what this can sometimes do is make it so that I'm going to bed too early.. Which I suppose is better than sleeping at 4 then waking up at 8, making myself dinner and studying until 11...

I'm always trying to get the perfect regime to make my life the least stressful. Shoot I gotta go to class, write later....(2:43 pm)


3:52 pm:

Today I threw up about 15 minutes after class started (rushed to the bathroom.. honestly I don't know how much longer I could have made it) because I took a prenatal on an empty stomach. They've good multi-vitamins but they can make you feel sick because of their potency levels.

Speech today wasn't bad I guess. There was this girl that did her presentation on her resort-vacation that she goes to during the summer, that was entertaining. What was probably more painful was that the MC was the Hawaiian girl today. She kept reading these completely inappropriate facts or bullshit statistics off her phone and I'm just sitting there trying to keep my head low. Whenever I listen to her I have to REALLY put on my Noh face... closed mouth smile, because I have to keep myself from cracking up.

So yeah uh.... That's definitely THE class I'm excited to be out of this quarter.

I signed up to do my persuasive speech first. The professor was watching if I'd do that and he's like "OHHH she did it!" and people started laughing. Going first ds ,oesn't bother me at all. Waiting for a bunch of other people to go is much more stressful for me because I start overthinking it.

I've got more than a week to get it done. Tomorrow I'm actually going to have to skip speech class to go to the "Bite of Insight" speech for the outside critiquing assignment. I feel like sending him an e-mail about my absence on that one because this is going to be the 4th day that I'm absent. I'd really not like to lose participation points in that class when it should be an easy A.

I'm going to go back outside and enjoy the sunshine and read over one of my stats chapters again before tomorrow's test. I want to do really well to make up for feeling like a dork for not getting the lab on Friday. It's totally my fault that I've fallen behind in the excel stuff because I've barely touched it outside of class. I'm really hoping there's not going to be an excel skill exam or anything at the end of the quarter because I would really need to get on figuring out what the hell I'm doing. It's a hard program in my opinion.

But everything in life is hard. I just need to work at it like anything else, won't come over night.

have I posted this before? Yes? No? Oh well. Took this screenshot awhile back, lol Peggy whipped out the "Funsaver."

Jack and I haven't talked since Saturday morning. This is expected because Jack doesn't really like texting. I wouldn't mind texting every so often but definitely not continually... Idk, he told me to download this app called SnapChat that you can send photos back and forth and they disappear in 3 seconds or something like that. My phone isn't compatible with it so until I get an upgrade I'm pretty sure we're not going to do that much communicating outside of when I spontaneously see him on the weekends.

And to be honest your guess is as good as mine whether or not I'll continue to see him because I like I've said this has happened so many times I just can't ask questions of what he's doing anymore. It's like when he came to my house on Friday night. He immediately held my hand when we walked outside. BUT it was 1 am. See it makes you wonder if he would act that way during the day time, probably not. Again I have no idea, we'll see what happens either way.

Wow I've been writing for an hour already. I haven't played guitar much all day because I've been studying a lot but I still plan too later this evening. 

alright I'll stop rambling

peace.

Oh my dreams, Come back to me, back to me

Morning everyone.

Just got back from economics. Today I got an 86% on my first exam, which is definitely acceptable. I'd say my score is probably in the top 15 percentile in the class because most people got in the 70's and low 80's. It's probably lame of me to say that I was actually expecting/wanting a higher score in the 90's after the amount that I studied the material but that's what I get for skipping out on studying the multiple choice questions.

I already sort of feel myself getting lazier academically which means it's time to re-evaluate what is important right this second. On my whiteboard I wrote three columns to start recording the amount of hours that I spend studying on my most important exams. I'm hoping that at the end of this quarter I can look at the data I obtain from this and see if I can make an estimation of how many hours I have to study to get certain grades. Something like that would be good to know, I feel like I spend so many hours studying but I've never actually recorded it.

Here's what's on my mind currently:

1. Next Stats test (Tuesday), next econ quiz. I'll be studying for these every day.

2. Guitar Recital (April 27). I've been making a lot of progress on my piece. The solo is coming along and I've been working with the track directly to get the lick timing exactly.

3. Informative speech. Have to start watching Korean documentaries again and start putting together a slideshow. I have to have a visual aid for my presentation.

4. My new friend!!! Sort of. I knew her back in highschool because she dated my friend Caleb at the time. The reason I say new is because I never really got a chance to know her back then, and it's been so long that both of our personalities have matured so dramatically that any prior judgement and memories are obsolete. Hell I think the last time we were communicating people were still using MySpace... 2008? 

I've never disliked Arwen. She's always seemed very mysterious, interesting and deep to me. Back when we were younger I had sort of tried to be her friend when Caleb and I were playing tennis and Arwen would occasionally show up to practice. I remember asking her if she wanted to hang out sometime and she told me her mom is extremely strict and doesn't let her do hardly anything so I didn't ask again. I sort of got the vibe that she didn't want to be my friend at the time. 

That was back in highschool though-- when I was a sophomore... Back then I was playing sports, was super outgoing and loud, and pretty sure I had practically bleach blonde hair. Arwen dressed pretty "scene" at the time (as was Caleb) and they usually hung out with other scene kids. She always did her makeup and hair really well and clearly didn't come from Benton city so I found myself fascinated. 

Anyway she added me on facebook recently so we've been talking. She's clearly intelligent just based on the few messages we've sent back and forth and I am looking forward to hopefully getting a chance to hang out with her when I have my recital. 

5. grass. lol guess that's always on my mind.

6. Terry. We did study the other day in the library for a good hour and a half. When I was getting my test out of the pile I spotted his. I did do better than he did but I still think both of us could have done better. 

7. math

Which I'm gonna study now.

peace.

I love purity ring, lol. This is one of my favorite songs from this lovely album some guy at the computer repair store told me about. 

Last difficult steps.

Hi!

I am speaking to you from probably the pinnacle of difficulty in the quarter. The few days before my final tests that I'm like ugh, hang on to your grade for dear life. This quarter one of my finals has particular importance to me, and that's my finite quiz that is happening on Thursday. I'm planning on studying for it another solid hour tonight. I've already done one and made little progress on where I feel I should be, but every time I sit down and look at it I'm making improvements. Youtube videos help, too, if I'm not getting a concept. The last hour I basically spent just trying to figure out what the assigned section he's having us work on now is talking about. I missed class today because I felt I'd be better off just coming back and cramming than trying to sit through an hour of lecture where I have no idea where he's talking about.

Matthew is very sweet, he brought by the final midterm review which is basically an introduction to statistics and it is HARD you guys... I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a hell of a time with this and I know other kids in class must be too. The girl that I sit next to in class with the blonde hair got the same low score on the half-credit quiz last Friday so I know this isn't just really difficult for me. Actually I know it's not. The reason that I want to get a good grade on this last test is just to finish the quarter well, and bump my grade back up to an A-. Right now I have an 89.5% or something like that because of the last quiz, and my last grade will be this Friday's midterm so it's really that or B. I know that he does drop a couple of the lowest scores, but I'd assume his gradesheet that he passes around reflects that.

I've worked pretty hard in that class but I don't know if I deserve an A, ha ha ha. I really didn't get most of it. Statistics is going to be so hard. Spring quarter is going to be one of the hardest I've ever taken I think. Then I've heard that the management classes aren't that hard.

Still I'm excited because there's only two more days, really. I'm done with Finite and Econ on Thursday-- which means tomorrow is going to be another day of epic studying and the more I study tonight the easier I'll make it on myself tomorrow. I've also got my English research paper due on Friday, which I started the first two paragraphs of my final draft today.

Do you guys like my studying set up?

I dragged the ikea table in from the living room to be able to sit on the floor. My heels have been hurting because I've been sitting on the floor a lot lately. I've got my econ stuff on my bed so that I switch back and forth between putting strain on my lower back and thighs, ha ha ha. Blah, it's a lot of work. I'm doing good, though, it's only 7:45 and I've spent a total of four hours studying today, played on guitar pro for 20 minutes (It's sad to say that's all the practicing I can ask for on a day like this), did some crunches and a little exercise, cooked a good dinner... It's been a relatively good day.

Aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure I've f'ed everything up with Abe with my own wackiness. I don't really know. I haven't talked to him since I pretty much flipped out on him last night for having not hung out in three weeks. I really shouldn't have done that. I know he's just as busy with his classes that I am. But I guess my own needs more more important to me yesterday. I don't really know. I hope I get to spend time with him again but I don't know if it's happening. 

I'm honestly too tired to stress out too much about that now. Granted I miss him a bit, and I have for the few weeks that we haven't spent time together and I only see him for about 3 minutes between classes. I'll update you all on how that plays out later. 

And to be honest with you guys I don't know if I'm super excited to move back home in a little while. I'm excited to see Katelynn and take a guitar lesson from Jake but I might not spend my whole time there. I just realized that I didn't sign up for any scholarships and I know my mom is going to ask me about that. Maybe I'm ungrateful for not taking the time to do stuff like that. Or maybe I'm just very exhausted.

peace. 

Isn't that a lovely picture... That's my nightly glass of wine in my hand. 

That's me after being exhausted all day but still managing to get as much work done as possible.. Like I woke up tired after not being about to sleep well last night and was yawning all day. Somehow I still had the ability to practice guitar for two hours, study my economics for a solid hour, get my finite homework done and I've still got time to get a little of my English done before bed. 

I was so tempted to go to sleep all day but even when I laid down in bed my mind wouldn't let me. I prayed last night that I would have the patience to get a bunch of work done today and I feel like that prayer was answered. Ha ha, I'll probably pray the same thing tonight because tomorrow is going to be just as heavy of a work load. 

I'm still keeping up with my finite math homework even if it's getting into what the professor said is the "hardest part of the quarter." I've got the combination/permutation formulas down but I'm having a hard time distinguishing when to use each. I'm hoping it'll be painfully obvious on the word problems on the test. Knowing the professor it will be. He's so cool, he assigns specific problems to look at before taking the weekly tests so as long as I study those I should be fine. 

My econ test on Friday has me sort of stressed out because it's the first big exam but I've studied the material pretty well, I mean I really seem to be getting it in class but the application of the formulas and graphs usually gets me. I would go to tutoring tomorrow but I've got lessons with Jake so I'm on my own. That's fine, with all the work I've put into my classes this week and the lack of emotional turmoil from prozac I feel I can conquer most things. 

I texted Gerardo once today, pretty much just saying I hope his day's been good and that I've been really busy with studying. It's crazy, we text eachother in Spanish-- which is how we're getting to know eachother and honestly it's working just fine. I'd like to hope I'm picking up some speaking ability from doing this. He works 5 days a week at a really physically taxing job.. He's like a groundskeeper for this huge piece of property here in Ellensburg and he's lived here for a year working there (no puedo nunca...lol). He only has saturdays and sundays off. He'll probably want to party Saturday so I'm wondering if I'll get to see him. I didn't feel *super* comfortable at that party last weekend, for obvious reasons, but I'm sure we'll see eachother this weekend at some point. 

So regardless of our interesting, almost comical circumstances we still like eachother and I'm just enjoying my time going with the flow with this. Ha ha, at least he's not Japanese or something, then I'd have a real problem. I can't communicate in Japanese hardly at all. I've somehow held onto a good amount of Spanish though and I'm going to try and learn more every day. 

peace. 

I have all around had an epic week.

This week has been SO stressful but I'm so incredibly proud to say that I survived with flying colors!

The accounting test... was extremely hard. I thought I'd be getting a low C. Granted, I studied the formulas, did all the homework, but nothing prepared me for like three of the problems on that test. I had come to class first thing at 10:00. I sat down, feeling calm and confident from all of my studying I did before. The second I looked at the test, I felt nervous because most of the problems focused on differential costs and sunk costs versus just making business decisions like to add or drop a product line. I put in a very fair amount of effort into each of the problems, and made sure to very clearly define what I did know.

The back page however, which was Chapter 15, was a snap for me because I had studied my flash cards. I looked over the test quickly. With accounting, you either get it or you don't. I accepted that I would not have the ability to do a couple of the problems because I hadn't studied that material. I knew what a sunk cost was... Two of the problems I literally had never seen before.

He sends us the test grades. I looked at mine using the last 4 digits of my student ID for security reasons. I scored a 102%... I got the highest grade in the class. I was absolutely shocked out of my mind. I thought, there must be some sort of mistake... What if that's actually someone else's grade. But then I thought, maybe hardly anyone in class did the problems that I did wrong correctly so he let us go from it. I'm not sure what happened, but I triple checked that THAT, indeed, was my ID number, and yes, I got a 92% on the test and the 10 extra credit points from doing all the homework. I am so proud of myself, I will almost definately get a B+ in that class.

I took a math test today, one of my last in my life. Daniel and I studied for it for the second time last night. I think I certainly did okay on the test. I had calculator problems but I will almost certainly get partial credit for the amount of correct steps that I did do, such as labeling the asymptotes, intercepts, etc... Montgomery has been so helpful. I brought the test up and asked if he had the study guides. He told me to just look for the old tests online and the answers are located there. I'm pretty sure both of my finals are on Friday. I need to make sure what time exactly.

Daniel has been very helpful. He did admit, however, that my calculator has some strange deficiencies so I get very wacky graphical results. I'm going to be happy to be done with pre-calc, but also thrilled to now have more confidence in math. I mean I've made it this far, that's much further than anyone might have expected from me... I mean I think back to sophomore year in Mrs. Prior's class, sleeping on my desk. Getting D's and blowing through Mr. Harris's homework without even nearly understanding the material.

Thank god for teachers like Mr. Dickman and Mrs. Haines. They were the math teachers that made it so that I am now able to do college math.

My 6th grade year I had taken Mrs. Thomas and I was stuck with the "smart kids" group. They were the typical kids in my class that did well in school, like Mikayla S., Chelsea E., Hailey H., Jake, Emily D.... This same group that I was sort of half on-half off with. Because I wasn't a bad student. I tried hard and turned in quality work... well when I could GET it in. I was terribly disorganized growing up. I'd throw things in binders and use random pages. I wouldn't keep notes, teachers like McCue and Herman would hate that.

They used to categorize us in middle school. There were the smart kids, the "happy averages", and the lower kids. Isn't that sort of how it is in society? Anyway, it was painfully obvious to me because I would be mixed in with each group in subjects I was weaker in. Those kids would predominantly stay together throughout the day and many cliques were formed in this way, with exceptions of course. They also really segregated many of the Latino students into ONE classroom instead of three or more classes throughout the day. I imagine that must have been slightly embarrising, especially when many of them really belonged in the higher English classes (or "Honors English", where I was always placed.)


My math experience... 

I was actually originally placed in an honors math, in 6th grade. That was a nightmare because Thomas just couldn't figure out why I couldn't keep up with the other students. Well, because she was going way to fast for me, wasn't explaining things in ways I could understand, and we were using stupid accelerated math. Thomas used to send me into a small classroom with Gerrick, embarrassingly enough, to try to catch me up. It wasn't happening, I wasn't particularly good at Math even if I could hold my own in my other classes. Thomas passed me, May lord have mercy on that child's poor soul.  6th Grade I had spent the entire year with that one group, the "smart kids." Though I felt at the bottom of the barrel because of my lack of organizational skills and by the end of that year my confidence was a little shot.

7th Grade was different. I was with the "smart kids" in Isley's class, which originally full and I got stuck in Vickerman for my homeroom. Vickerman's homeroom was all loud, happy averages. Displeased, I was able to switch over to Isley's homeroom which had a lot of the kids I also went to Band with. If I was not in their homeroom, I wouldn't be in the loop of things. I remember sitting next to Jennifer W. and she'd always make me feel very stupid. I look back on all the extremely hard work she used to do. I wonder if it paid off well for her.

I took science with the "happy averages," you could say. The kids that weren't really at the top academically but passed their classes. But then in Dickman's class, to my surprise, I was with the lowest of the low. I remember being surprised that this is where Thomas sent me... But I'm so glad she did, that's where I needed to be, not in advanced math what so ever.

Dickman's methods were extremely clear to me. He would use step by step problems on the white board, assign the homework, maybe use a real life scenario or two that the problems could be applied too, and we'd go. I'm pretty sure at that time before I'd taken his class I was extremely behind in math. I learned NOTHING in Thomas's class, then hardly anything in Harris's class. Luckily Harris liked me as a person and had no problem letting me through.

Then onto highschool, Math 1A was alright, I probably got a C, even if most of Prior's methods didn't make much sense to me in the same way Thomas didn't. I passed 1A but completely failed 1B my Freshman year. I felt insecure about having failed, and felt like I would never get it. Mrs. Haines was a whole new kind of math teacher. She was extremely sweet, she would teach her class with extreme patience and show respect to every student. She would stay after class to help students with whatever they needed.

I tried so hard in that class because I didn't want to let her down. I got an A in her 1B class and I was incredibly proud of myself to get that confidence back. Then comes Zehnder. I took integrated math II with her and had to really fight to do well. I'd sometimes stay after class or come before class to get help on problems. Her voice was very monotone and hard to not fall asleep during a 90 minute class period.

At CBC I took my first college math, Math 96, with Professor Z., my friend Michael Z.'s father. Some nuttiness happened in this class. Practically everyone in class was a pot head, more than anyone my friend Josh. I had a crush on Josh from the previous quarter when his friend Tyson and I had a technical writing class together. Tyson used to show up to the class completely blazed every day, and Josh and Tyson liked to smoke. Tyson described to me that he gets straight A's even if he smoked every day. I sort of scoffed at that, but didn't tell him.

Josh had a girlfriend. Yeah. He still does have a girlfriend.

I kicked ass in Math 96 because it was really easy. Pretty much just introduction to algebra and doing the basics. Little bit of introductory factoring. Zhang was such a trooper to deal with that kid that used to stick his hands in his pants the entire class.

..Anyway, uh yeah Math 97 I took online with Hassham over the summer when I was dealing with a lot of other craziness. That class was a real challenge because my only resource was the internet. I was practically teaching myself. I somehow managed to get about a 2.7. I was pleased.

Math 98 with Lambert was tough, it was the most difficult class I'd ever taken but Lambert was very helpful and this girl Kim M. inspired me to keep pushing forward as she put off all her homework until the end of the quarter. She was friendly and fun to BS with, as was this really cool guy named JJ that had these crazy dreadlocks. CBC itself was such an interesting part of my life. I really did get a chance to interact with a wide variety of people of different ages.

So now here I am! Almost done with pre-calc. It wasn't nearly as hard as my last algebra class. Calculus is a whole different style of math, it's more like puzzles. I'm pretty sure I've done really well, and I'm now much more comfortable in math.

I had lunch with my friend Reina today too, it was pretty good. Originally we were going to go Starbucks but we were feeling pretty hungry by the time we walked halfway there. I ended up getting a really delicious Korean Bento. 

I think I'm gonna get going, feeling a little lathargic. I haven't played any guitar today. Haven't really had the urge. I think I might actually play a little Sims THEN practice this evening. Sounds like a plan.

peace/ 

Your face looks famished.

Yo.

Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.

Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.

Anyway let's see, what I got done:

-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.

-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.

-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.

-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.

-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.


So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.

I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...

This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.

I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.

I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad. 

It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.

peace. 

Most important test of my life here tomorrow, and more..

It's november so I should start posting things that I'm thankful for. To be honest I'm thankful for a lot of things, many of which I hadn't started being thankful for until just a year or so ago. The more I learn about other people's lives the more I realize how lucky and extremely fortunate I really am. 

Can finally discard this. 

It's not brand new, but hey it's comfortable, adjusts up and down, and helps improve my playing posture. Thank you so much Dad.

One thing I'm fortunate for is the fact that I don't have broke parents. I know that's a shallow thing to say right off the bat this month but it really does make a huge difference in the amount of effort you have to put into getting to the point I am. My parents have always been extremely supportive in paying for my college expenses. Yesterday my Dad came over, brought me a "care package" with a bunch of cool office supplies, a new office chair and $60 for no apparent reason. OH, and on top of everything he took my bike to the shop to get it repaired because I couldn't haul it in my car. Apparently the bike shop is right down the road though so I'll be able to just ride it home when it's ready on Tuesday. 

It's funny my Dad has driven everyone crazy but I'm so thankful to have him because without him I don't think any of this college stuff would be possible. Not only would I probably never look into the business degree had it not been what he taught me about money growing up, but I probably also wouldn't have the same work ethic. He's taught me a lot about hard work and how important it is to manage your money because it can place a huge strain on your life if you don't. 

 We've grown a lot closer over the last year because I understand when he talks to me about work and he gets a sense of accomplishment when he helps me with my schoolwork. He helped explain a concept for tomorrow's accounting test this morning. So I guess I can just say that I'm thankful for my Dad and everything he's given me. I'm of course thankful for my mom too, who puts up with and helps me through alllll of my emotional struggles that I've had over the years. 

November is a time to be thankful, and I can honestly say I'm very, very thankful for everything... especially the opportunities my parents have given me. 

My couch is no longer white! There was a black slip cover up in our attic space that I put over it this morning. Good thing, too, that white was getting sort of grubby, between you and I... 

I've become a better chef! I made that really tasty grilled chicken breast for Reina and I when she came over for lunch this last Friday. She'd told me, "Emily you are my important friend from the US!" I can't tell you how special that makes me feel. She's only going to be in the United States for six months so I really want a chance to take her back to shop in the tri cities. Maybe I can take her to the mall to do some christmas shopping or something. I figure I'm coming home for Christmas break anyway but it's not that far of a ride to just come get here.

We'll see what my finances are looking like... and what my life is looking like, at that time. I can see Reina and I having lunch together every Friday between now and the time she leaves in March, to be honest! 

So I've got my first lesson with Jake on Thursday at 5:30... I've been improving my practice regime just to be able to show him the new stuff I've taught myself since we last met. I'm so, so excited.. Especially for when his website is up and he starts uploading guitar pro tabs! Jake is REALLY.. err, pro-guitar pro, haha. He got me hooked, it's the greatest tab program out right now and because all of his students use it I imagine we'll be able to post songs on the forums.

Jake ALSO invited me to come give lessons sometime at the shop because there are girls that only want to get lessons from a girl. I initially said, "Oh no I couldn't possibly...!" and made up some excuses but after I thought about it I'm like, why the hell not? Wasn't I just advertising that I could give lessons a couple months ago? I now realize I'm not nearly that caliber of a player yet. I believe I'm in the "good" range, I've gone from "beginner" in the first couple months to "intermediate" for the next four months, and I now consider myself "intermediate-good." 

I have the dexterity and technical skill to play almost anything in the Rock-Metal genre but it's a matter of finding the right songs and memorizing the music that's the hard part. Right now I'm learning Sultans of the Swing, Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid and Mother Superior by Coheed and Cambria. I wanted to find three songs outside my typical Iron Maiden crazy box. 

Tomorrow I have the most important accounting test of my life but I'm not feeling particularily anxious because I have studied, very well. I've used flash cards and I've got most of the formulas and concepts down very well. I'm going to study another hour and a half tonight to really solidify some of Chapter 13 that I was having trouble on. I would also like the opportunity to study for an hour or so before I take the exam itself. The exam opens at 10:00 AM.

I have to make sure to wake up early tomorrow to make myself some good ole Mexican eggs. They're a powerhouse of nutrients and they'll help better prepare me for my exam. At the time of my last exam I was probably running on 700-900 calories a day and I've regulated it entirely since then so hopefully I will see a large improvement to my grade from the 60%.

OH, another thing I have to get done tonight is figure out my registration date and pick a list of classes that I want to take next quarter. The sooner I get THAT out of the way the better, as we all know... I do NOT want another professor that doesn't make any sense next quarter. We'll see.

Just got my score on the legal midterm! 79.83, that rounds up to an 80%!! That's a B-!!! YAY!!! 

peace.