This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.
Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..
I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.
When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.
I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.
Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.
Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.
I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...
Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.