Week so hard I didn't want to write

I haven't written in six days because I've either been completely exhausted or puking my guts out.

Seriously though, I got so sick a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't have work that day but I am still feeling the aftershock of it and it sort of sucked my energy out today. JCpenny has not been easy for me to work at because I've felt really stupid the last couple days... their register is kind of difficult and there are soo many things that customers need besides just buying the damn clothes. It makes me miss Rite Aid.

All my coworkers are pretty nice. They've been extremely accommodating to this learning curve. I never feel like I'm doing things correctly unless I've mastered it so it's been very uncomfortable for me using the register for the past few days. I've felt really panicked and horrible... I'm planning on writing myself a cheat sheet so I won't have to be as stressed out on Tuesday.

My back has been killing me. I can hardly remember anyone's names that I've met in the past week but they're all seeming to try to get to know me and be super friendly. I generally don't give people an inch about my personal life in the work place... but because I'm working with all of these people that are around my age I've felt like I've needed to be more talkative... It's been really hard. I'm usually really confident but it's hard to not think people are judging me when I'm fucking up.

I've cried a lot the past couple days. I mean for one thing I was completely unable to sleep the other night and wasn't able to sleep again until the next day at 9:00 pm. I think I hate my job right now and it's freaking me out because I'm going to be there the rest of the summer and I have to figure a bunch of stuff out or it's going to be miserable. 

It's going to take awhile to get the hang of working there, that's all I'm going to say. I know what I've written is pretty vague but I don't want to go into individual scenarios because I don't even want to think about it. I mean I need this job obviously and I'm going to do everything I can to figure it out but I just hate it right now and want to quit.

But I can't. I'm stuck. I know I don't have enough motivation to go out and find another job. I also know that it's how difficult it would be to get an employer to take me on when I'm moving in two months.

Alright I'm going to play guitar. Today's been awful.

peace.

Lol look it's Miranda's nazi cousin Franz.

Milk in the sink day.

I looked up Milk jugs in cart and got this. I was nervous to look up much else on Google image search with the word "Milk" in it. 

Milk is weird.

It's not something we tend to think about very often because it grosses us out... or not, but one thing's for certain. . . when milk sits out it gets BAD. 

Originally today I was supposed to do blue dots in the cosmetics section, which seemed like a good project for me because I like looking at cosmetics. Within 20 minutes of opening the store a woman told me she was going to buy a gallon of milk and it was warm. The freezer said 60 degrees... Within minutes Linda was bringing up cart fulls of milk that I had to dump in the sink.

Overall, though, today was a good day.. it was not very busy so I was able to finish my project throughout my six hour shift but still had customers to talk too. Linda and I get along well, I think she respects that I'm a hard worker. Jay on the other hand probably hates me because I didn't put some security tags on some razors. He acts like I don't do anything around there because he's never worked one shift with me (thank God). 

Still counting down the days. Let's see, after tomorrow it will be... 

17 more days!

Sunday 8/26 

Thurs 8/30 

Sat Sept 1

Sun Sept 2

Thurs Sept 6

Sat Sept 8

Sun Sept 9 When I say my final goodbyes to the couponers, the little old ladies, or whoever else happens to come in that might've recognized me from before. I've become a recognized cashier at this place to some of them that always make their saturday beer run at Rite Aid.

A few of my favorite beer runners:

-"Gimme some-a those Marlboro blacks." guy. 6-pack of Keystone Lights. He usually beings in a black recyclable Albertson's bag that reeks of cat pee. He wears a bucket hat and speaks in an extremely monotone voice that cracks me up every time he comes in, he's pretty funny. 

-"HEY BRAT." Funky old man with probably late 40's tan lady that somehow knows Josh K. They've always been pretty nice to me, and come in multiple times a day. He usually likes to harass me (in a joking manner), and at times it's annoying.

-Sunday school teacher that comes in at the ass crack of dawn and buys a 6-pack. He's really friendly and he tends to be my first transaction of the day. More than likely, he will be tomorrow too. 

Things get REALLY repetitive there.

I'm so ready to move on, of course, but it's nice to get some of this in writing so I won't forget the many weird details of the memories I've had there. 

peace. 

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.

peace.

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things

It's 12:22 AM, Thursday is usually the day of the week I stay up latest.

My evening shift was pretty lame, all the menial activities that I feel sum up to nothing. It's so boring to work day in and day out, and the manager's jobs are not much better. Actually most of their job is looking for stuff for us to do, at least it seems that way. Leslie runs around like she's super busy for eight hours straight and I see her constantly, but my other managers tend to disappear for long spans of time and I have no idea what they're up too. I don't really care.

I'm just happy that my shifts worked out for me the way that they did. I've never had to work with Jay, my manager, for an entire shift. I would absolutely hate to have him breathing down my neck, tensions are always higher when he's around and I am ultra professional. Well, I usually am. A guy said I sounded like an automated phone service today. That's the goal with corporate, "With us, it's personal" gets too personal when the cashiers make friends with every customer that comes in. I recognize some people, many customers enjoy seeing me because those that come in every day see mainly see Claudia. Claudia is Jay's ideal dedicated employee.

She takes her job so freaking seriously. She told me today that she found a $50 bill by the register on the ground by the candy and actually LOGGED it into the register. No comment.

Again, Noh mask. Just gotta get through this. Smile and nod.

There's a song called "Different World" that really spoke to me today.

Don't wanna be here 

Somewhere I'd rather be 
But when I get there 
I'm afraid it's not for me 

That's really it. I don't want to be at Rite Aid today, I'd rather be home playing because that's all I want to do lately. 

Tell me what you can hear 

and then tell me what you see 

everybody has a different way to view the world 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things 

To appreciate this life, it's not too late to learn 

I need to appreciate the little things of what I'm experiencing here. I have to take things day by day and learn from them. I get frustrated with this job and these people but I will never work at Rite Aid again in my life. I am going to count out how many shifts I have left....

11

Eleven shifts, oh my God! That is so awesome, 11 more shifts cashiering. Ugh, never again. I swear if this guitar gig works out I'll always have a backup plan if I don't have a job. I will never cashier again.

But I still do try and appreciate the little things that I do at my boring day job. I try to be friendly and professional to the customers that come in. I oftentimes get flirted with which is pretty awkward. Like today this guy asked me if I wanted to go to a Kiss concert with him, it was bizarre. 

I talked to Peter Z. for the first time in forever. Occasionally I like to catch up with him just to see what he's been up too. He recently moved to WSU so I'm very excited for him. He had a crazy ride with the rave scene but now he's totally straightened up and ready to go on with his life. I think it's awesome, he's going to do really well. I'm happy he never got sent to prison or anything. I always feel some weird nostalgic connection with him because he was my first childhood crush, ha ha. 

I should probably get to bed so my day isn't completely destroyed tomorrow. Got all my minutes today, that's strange for a Thursday. 

Oh! I'm excited because I'm hanging out with Tyler D. tomorrow for the last time before I leave. We're going to have a lot of fun, he says he's going go come pick me up after work and we're gonna swim at the apartment complex and play video games or something. Should be a good day.

peace. 

Today really should be an exciting day.

Man, graduation day started out extremely shitty and it's barely 10:00 am. I got up at 7:30, knowing that I'd be blowing about a third of my savings to pay for Spring quarter. I tried to find some sort of proof that we actually had paid for some of my Spring tuition, but it looks like I unknowingly blew the entire thing. There was no proof of checks written to CBC from my Dad in April.

I posted a status about this. Another status about my distaste with how the financial aid system works and how minorities are "spoonfed" the money they need when the caucasions are expected to pay it in full. When I say "minorities" I was of course implying Hispanics. African Americans get financial aid as well, but not nearly as much. Asians and Indians (of India) of course get no easy aid because the school system knows that their culture knows the importance of a good education and would be willing to pay anything to get their kids ahead.

I feel that this is wrong, the way financial aid segregates people based on their race. I feel financial aid should be based on a students grades and how hard they work. Shouldn't that be who the state invests in? The students that get the best grades and therefore deserve to not have to live in this constant fear of their own family's finances? No. Because in order for our country to prosper, we have to supplement the education of the people that can't afford it because if the lower income households don't get that money, their kids won't go to college, then they could potentially cost our country more money in the long run. But because all the financial money is going to young welfare Moms, Hispanic people, and other low income households, where does this leave the caucasion middle ground? Fucked. Paying out thousands just to get by and forcing their parents to live paycheck to paycheck just to get their kids a decent education.

And these are families that did the "right" thing. Got married (no money for married couples). Got some sort of degree-- whether it be their bachelors or even some vocational degree. Maybe they don't have a degree at all but they make enough money to make it appear that they could support the thousands it takes to ge their kids through school. The amount that people make per year isn't nessasarily the most accurate indicator of how much money they have available to them. We've been getting by alright, but I'm certainly not going to be doing anything too fun like take any road trips or do any major splurges. Nope, gotta save up.

I had to give them $500 right out of pocket this morning. I got paid yesterday, so I had $600 in my checking and $1300 in my savings after this guitar expense that my Mom still hasn't helped me out with. I had told my Dad that because I knew he didn't want to pay for any more Japanese, I'd pay for half of it.That'd be $250, which was doable, just like my guitar was. Of course had I knew that I needed to pay for this I would have waited a couple weeks on the guitar.

..No, I couldn't of, that's a lie. I love that guitar like a baby now, seriously it's like my lifesaver right now because without it I'm pretty sure I would have gone stir crazy.

My mind is almost entirely off men again, Jack never made an effort to get ahold of me after my text message that essentially told him that he's dead to me. Wait, did I write about this? I've told almost all of my closest friends about this but I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my blog. This is definately significant enough to talk about though. I'm waiting for Katelynn to get back at me so I have a little time. We're going to run into town together. I really shouldn't be spending the gas money because I'm going to be as cheap as possible for the next two weeks but I have to buy it.

Anyway, yes, I finally told Jack that I'm completely done with his games and that I never want to talk to him again. It took me nearly a week of courage and waiting for any sort of contact with him before I actually did this, but when he didn't initiate anything I decided enough was enough and I was tired of waiting.

"....I've been like a book that you pick up again every time you break up with your girlfriends and don't even have the balls to admit it and that's whats driven me nuts. I am serious when I say I never want to talk to you again, you are dead to me now. Have a nice life."

This was the end of it. And I think that's the end of it, period. I mean four years of this, four years of him unknowingly torturing my emotions and playing with my head. Making me think that he ACTUALLY found me appealing, liked who I was as a person, thought I was beautiful.. etc etc. Nope, because if he found me beautiful, interesting and someone that he'd actually want to be with he would not play me like this. He's always treated me like I was second best to all these other bitches.

Katelynn was right when she said I would feel a lot better about it once it was over and I do. I feel numb again, repressed, alone. But I feel this is the way it's meant to be, and could be for a long time and I have to be patient. Katharine and Katelynn BOTH told me that I need to not let this happen again; not let some guy dick me around again and again and fall for it.

I just can't believe I somehow fell for it a third time. My mom had a lot to do with it because she was egging me on and asking me a lot of questions about it. She didn't tell me at all, "Emily, no, Jack's just doing this same bullshit that he always does... Stay away." I think Katharine tried, having questioned it IMMEDIATELY when I said that me and Jack were spending time together that day two weeks ago.



Man, it's already been two weeks, hasn't it? I guess time does ease the pain of this because I'm getting closer and closer to where I was before he started talking to me emotionally. I'd say it'll take another week of drowning out my emotions with guitar playing and spending time with people that I care about to not care anymore entirely, and he'll barely cross my mind if at all. I don't know how long it would take to get over someone, but I try to quantitate everything to ease my mind that No, even if this was the first time ever really having feelings for anyone, it won't be forever. In fact I like to think I'm fickle enough to be totally immune to most of these feelings, which is true....

I've just been so drained. The graduation ceremony is today but I don't have any enthusiasm about it at all anymore because of the money I had to spend. That and I'm practically starving because I didn't eat breakfast but I don't want to spend any money on food. I've got $90 in my checking account right now after the $500 deduction. I've got $1,200 in my savings account, which I feel is money I don't even really own because it's only for future expenses in college. $40 of that $90 is going to go to my safety blanket today, and the other$50 I am going to try to stretch as far as humanly possible for the next couple weeks until my Dad pays that money back.

shit, I'm too hungry to fast until I get home. I really don't want to spend any money at all but I have to or I'm afraid I'll get dizzy on the road or something. My mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do to save money but it's because I am 100% dedicated to making it so I don't have to rely on anyone in my future. I want to be 100% financially reliant on myself. I'm not going to be like the Hispanics and have the government pay for my school. I'm going to get a loan and have to suffer the consequences later. I'm not going to be like the entitlement culture that gets welfare money from the government or food stamps or reduced lunch for my kids or anything like that. The whole process makes me sick, so I will bust my ass so that I never have to deal with it. The first half of my college is done, that means I'm halfway to making my own decent money.

This is a huge step in the right direction for me, yet I don't feel very excited because I feel it's very insignificant and it's much too early to celebrate. It took me forever to get my AA... 3 years feels like way too long for CBC, and I almost feel humiliated about it.

But I'm DONE. That $500 is going to buy my degree today, my parents will pay some of it back eventually. My mom is now saying that she doesn't "owe" me any money even though she still promissed she'd give me $100 to help pay for my guitar plus the $40 to help pay for my lessons. I'm having a feeling she's not going to actually pay me for either now that the guitar's been paid for. Whatever, she doesn't have too. She needs to save her own damn money so my Dad will stop yelling.

peace.