meshuggah take me away from this damned place in my mind

Today's been pretty unproductive because I lost my wallet so I couldn't deposit my check or apply to any jobs without my social. I've been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed so I wasn't able to find my wallet but I was lucky enough that my Mom found it in the van so I should be able to get a couple apps done tonight. 

Life has been kind of hard for me lately so I've been sleeping a lot. I didn't end up talking to that guy Eric again. In fact I sent him a text this morning that said "Well I thought it'd be cool to get to know eachother but clearly we're not on the same page, goodbye." No response. I hate texting, it just leaves people hanging. Fuck I shouldn't have let myself feel that happy that night because it's made the past few days even harder. I don't know how I could have prevented myself from it.... He seemed so perfect. I don't know him though, at all. 

My heart just hurts. And my head's been sick with this bad cough... My parents have been mad at me and my car isn't working very well. I hate my job right now. It's just a lot of things have me very sad with my life right now. 

I'm lucky that my feelings have been very numbed by the prozac this summer but I definitely haven't been completely happy. I think the reality is that I will never feel 100% happy until I find someone because it's just impossible to be 100% content with being alone, as much as I try to suppress my emotions in that respect because my soul has been raked over hot coals time and time again that I just don't want to do it anymore....But it's human nature to keep some glimpse of hope there when someone comes around that you really like because they showed interest in you.

There just has to be an end to that pain somewhere. But not today, probably won't be tomorrow, and maybe not for a very long time. I just have to try to make myself as happy with my friends and hobbies as humanly possible, which I do. But there's still a part of me that is very tortured by love, which should be no surprise to anyone with my history.

I'd like to think the reason I have such bad luck is because men are intimidated by my guitar playing or intelligence. These are two things that I thought would help me attract someone but I think it honestly makes it worse. Men hate the risk of being shown up at anything, especially by a girl. Being a male guitarist turns girls on because it can make any douchebag have the confidence of a rockstar. Being a female guitarist.. especially one that plays metal... is just weird. But that's me and I'm happy with myself and I'm willing to wait for someone that appreciates me for me...

I actually haven't listened to metal in awhile because I felt like things in my life were changing but they're really not. I give up, I can't listen to music about love because I can't relate to it, I have to listen to music about primarily death, pain, killing and war because it satisfies an emptiness that manifests in the root of my soul.  For the past few weeks I tried listening to lots of mainstream artists like Beyonce.. I cannot connect with these songs about love at all.

Okay here's something a little less depressing. Sorry guys. You know me I just have to write it out to feel better. 

This weird kid drove up and down my road in his truck about 100 times today for no apparent reason. He was like practicing "peeling out" or something (I think that's what it's called when you whip your vehicle around and try to make noise with it....). It was so strange though. I actually texted Troy C. like "Are you seeing this?" Ha ha ha. He's like "Yeah I have no idea what the f*ck he's doing!!!" 

He kept stopping at random places in the street to take a drink of his waterbottle, wave at someone or check his phone. This is when he stopped in front of our mailboxes. 

Anyway this was really entertaining for me today just because it was funny and pissing my dad off. 

peace.

First days of summer has been pretty tough.

This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.

Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..

I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.

When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.

I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.

Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.

Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.

I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...

Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.

peace.

.