wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace. 

Week so hard I didn't want to write

I haven't written in six days because I've either been completely exhausted or puking my guts out.

Seriously though, I got so sick a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't have work that day but I am still feeling the aftershock of it and it sort of sucked my energy out today. JCpenny has not been easy for me to work at because I've felt really stupid the last couple days... their register is kind of difficult and there are soo many things that customers need besides just buying the damn clothes. It makes me miss Rite Aid.

All my coworkers are pretty nice. They've been extremely accommodating to this learning curve. I never feel like I'm doing things correctly unless I've mastered it so it's been very uncomfortable for me using the register for the past few days. I've felt really panicked and horrible... I'm planning on writing myself a cheat sheet so I won't have to be as stressed out on Tuesday.

My back has been killing me. I can hardly remember anyone's names that I've met in the past week but they're all seeming to try to get to know me and be super friendly. I generally don't give people an inch about my personal life in the work place... but because I'm working with all of these people that are around my age I've felt like I've needed to be more talkative... It's been really hard. I'm usually really confident but it's hard to not think people are judging me when I'm fucking up.

I've cried a lot the past couple days. I mean for one thing I was completely unable to sleep the other night and wasn't able to sleep again until the next day at 9:00 pm. I think I hate my job right now and it's freaking me out because I'm going to be there the rest of the summer and I have to figure a bunch of stuff out or it's going to be miserable. 

It's going to take awhile to get the hang of working there, that's all I'm going to say. I know what I've written is pretty vague but I don't want to go into individual scenarios because I don't even want to think about it. I mean I need this job obviously and I'm going to do everything I can to figure it out but I just hate it right now and want to quit.

But I can't. I'm stuck. I know I don't have enough motivation to go out and find another job. I also know that it's how difficult it would be to get an employer to take me on when I'm moving in two months.

Alright I'm going to play guitar. Today's been awful.

peace.

Lol look it's Miranda's nazi cousin Franz.

Another all day shred session.. yawn

Sup?

Tomorrow I start work. 12:00 pm for a 4 hour shift to get trained on how to do things.

Excellent. I wouldn't care if tomorrow I was starting a shift at Wal mart pushing carts around as long as I'm getting some hours because it's the truth. Being broke has been such a b*tch all summer I seriously wouldn't care at this point... I mean as long as I'm not a stripper or dressed like the statue of liberty waving signs in the road or something. There's two jobs I would never do, ha ha ha.

Yesterday was bad because I was really emotional and it was bothering me. I haven't been smoking because I'm broke so that's made it a bit harder to get through the day without just wanting to say f*ck it and go back to bed for a couple hours. All this rest the past few days has actually been helping my lower back heal a lot. I'm beginning to think that's why I've been so tired and unmotivated is the back pain but I think it's going to be completely painless by tomorrow.

Yesterday I did play my guitar for over three hours which was awesome. I can feel myself improving so much lately because I've had nothing else to really focus on. I've been really trying to correct some picking habits as well as started a couple other songs that I've been making quick progress on. I'm going to give Jake little samples of each song that I'm learning tomorrow so we can make the decision on what to focus most on. I'm pretty sure I'm still doing master of puppets, which is going surprisingly well.

Today I'm going to continue to work on that and my other pieces and should have a peaceful day. New things are ahead tomorrow so I'm excited about that.

Really all I have to say.

peace.

No more Jack, ever, two years of this shit, finally done. The whole story.

It's done.

It's done, it's done, it's done, it's done. As of July 16th, 2012 I no longer "like" Jack Otto, after years of him leading me on and not giving me a solid answer what the wants from me. The truth is, he never wanted anything. I finally confessed how I felt about him, got about the answer I expected, and shut it down before he could continue to lead me on again.

I'd called him after he'd texted me a couple evenings ago. He asked me why I suddenly changed my mind to go to Central. I just called, I didn't want to text anymore. I told him briefly that they had my degree, the weather is better and the distance is easier.

I asked him what his work schedule looked like lately. He told me he'd lost his "Career." Really, now? He spent a lot of the last time we'd actually spoke talking about this fantastic new job he was going to be starting. Well, surprise-surprise, the job is getting terminated. He told me he will be starting a new job where he will be.... "writing commercial jingles." This isn't the 1950's, what commercial jingles is he talking about?

So he's got ALL this free time on his hands, I'm going up to Central in less then 2 months, I figured he'd want to spend time together. I asked him if he'd want to hang out or something one of these days, actually jokingly suggesting that night which he said would be incredibly "weird." I was kidding about that night, but then he said me visiting in general would be "Weird." He said, "Yeah, I'd have to be like 'this is my friend all the way from the tri cities' to my roomates, do you know how weird that would be?"

He acts like I'm driving all the way up to Bellingham or something. It's not THAT far, good lord I usually drive over an hour a day just going all over town from stupid Benton City.

That's not the point though. He was making excuses. He finally just said, "I just don't want you coming here to solely visit me." That, right there, was enough for me to say fuck it. If I'm not good enough to come visit you or bring around your friends or whatever the fuck your problem is, I knew I was done with it and finally threw my cards out on the table.

Throwing my cards out doesn't necessarily mean I was wanting him to respond with "Oh my gosh I like you too lets be together!!!" because I'm not in middle school. I told him how I felt because I wanted him to know before I never spend time with him or talk to him again.

I told him that I really liked him, and that I didn't understand why he keeps talking to me if he doesn't like me back. I told him that I could have been over him by now. That it's cruel that he keeps talking to me if he has no intention of seeing me. The whole thing never made any sense and he didn't have any answers for anything.

All Jack can ever do is talk about how he HASN'T been with many other girls, as if this makes any difference to me. This was about me and him, I could give a shit about any other girls that he's fucked (or lack thereof) or done any of his stupid crafty dates.  Because the truth is, hardly any girl is good enough for him. He is waiting for some perfect girl to bring home to his Mommy; THAT right there is the bottom line. His mother is hugely influential and always has been because he has a lack of sense of direction in life. That being said, he'll want to find some girl that pleases his mother. That's not me at all. She does NOT like me. I was always a little rude to her because I knew she thought I was a "slut" because Jack told me she'd said so around sophomore year so I never made much of an effort to be polite to her. She of course based her judgement solely on how I acted with Toren, which was at the beginning of Freshman year. It should also be noted that she LOVEEEEEED Jessica Small; she'd never like me.

OH! How did I find out she thought I was a slut? Because she thought I was going to RAPE Jack when I had him over for lunch back when I was about 15 years old. Bah hahaha, I'm not even kidding here.

Jack told me that his opinion of me is this...

He finds me attractive.
He thinks my personality is interesting.

That's IT. There is no "I like you" in there at all, he never indicated actually liking me back in the phone conversation, this is as close as it got. But I know that to him I'm missing something that would make it so he wouldn't want to make any effort to spend time with me or introduce me to the people he lives with.

This picture was never anything. I'd assumed it was a girl he was into, but really I knew the suspicion was silly and I was just trying to make sense of why he wasn't talking to me. This whole thing is so embarrassing but I need to write it down to close this chapter in my life. 

He also said I accuse him of a lot of things, like on this blog where I wrongly interpreted a picture with a girl. I never knew if he was with her or not but I told him that I HAD to hypothesize because that's the only way I could make sense of WHY. Because he never gave me any answers, he'd just keep me waiting over and over again because he'd get drunk, call, and flirt with me.

He never denied that he's flirted with me, and did apologize for it. He said he "knows how I feel" because of the Hilary situation.

No, he has no idea how I feel because this is nothing like his stupid Hilary situation. Hilary is a girl he dated for two years. I'm sure they had great times together. They tried to stay friends afterward but she got a new boyfriend (which bothered him, even if now Jack and this other boyfriend are almost best friends, how precious!). This has absolutely no relevance.

Jack led me on for two fucking years. He would randomly get ahold of me over and over every few months and not give any real answers on how he felt about me but would continue to flirt and act like he was interested. Because he did this I had a really hard time being attracted to any other guy nor put any real effort in with anyone else because I figured, "Well, I like Jack, we'll end up being together eventually.. I'll just ignore this for now..." then we'd end up talking again and re-enforcing this notion, even if all along it was never going to happen.

 It hurt, so bad. The years that went by wondering what the Hell, why he was talking to me, WHY I can't seem to like anyone else...

But so much pain really has led me to being as laid back as I am today. I'm not afraid anymore. I know all the ins and outs of men after my long string of bad boyfriends over the years. There's no man that will ever fool me again, even if he looks as harmless as Jack does, they can still be ruthless with your feelings because many are selfish pigs.

I don't think Jack ever intended to hurt me, just like Jessica never intended to hurt me by pursuing the one guy I ever liked when she could have ANYONE... They're both incredibly naive, and quite unintelligent. Jessica is unintelligent because that's her character. Jack is unintelligent for never thinking his flirting would lead to me having feelings for him, along with his stupid career pursuits and lack of real life experience because everythings been spoon fed to him. You can't be mad at unintelligent people when you try to make sense of their actions. Jessica's hot, there's no doubting that. If I was in Jack's shoes I probably would of done the same thing. Jack's last REAL LIFE impression of me was a Japanophile girl that has quite a few insecurities and has a hard time loosening up about things, but is still very funny and attractive. Jessica however is popular, fun to be around, presentable to his friends, his Mom likes her, blonde, tall, sexy.... But I've always found her incredibly stupid so it was very hard to swallow when I saw he was with her. This also gave me a sense of hopelessness of ever being with him, which is when I tried to delete him and never talk to him again, and of course he'd start talking to me after I'd deleted him.


So that's it. No more Jack Otto. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him ever again if he had no intention of being with me. He told me he wasn't interested in a relationship at all. 


You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't call me when your drunk and lonely and make up pretend plans. You can't lead me on with your flirty texts and act like you want something out of me when you never do. You're not a man, you're like a stupid child that doesn't know what he wants. You couldn't handle a girl like me, anyway, because I'm a strong, independent woman and I need a man that's going to love me for who I am 100% and not act like I'm second best to some perfect fantasy woman. I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I'm a musician, I don't want anything to do with him anymore.


It feels good to get that off my chest.


And it's not like no good has come from Jack. He WAS the icing on the cake to why I wanted to go to Central, even if I'd been considering it before. That's going to save me a lot of problems in the long run because it IS where I should be going to school. I don't care if he's there or not, there's thousands of people. 


He is also one of the reasons I started learning guitar. All the loneliness I'd been through led me to picking up my instrument back in January. I don't think we were talking back in January but I felt very lonely back then because I was having trouble being attracted to anyone else. I would compare guys to him and be immediately unsatisfied.


Not anymore though. I realize that Jack was never that great and I built him up in my head. I don't know if he'd even be that attractive to me if I saw him in person again. He's cute, my parents liked him because he was the only guy I've ever brought around that was up to THEIR standards. This made me like him a lot more because my mom talked like he was the greatest thing ever and I need to not lower my standards to BELOW his attractiveness. Well there's not very many guys in the tri cities that are as attractive as he is, but there sure as Hell will be elsewhere. 


Everything will work out in the long run, I finally feel free of him and I will never spend time with him again. If I see him I'll probably just smile like he's just another acquaintance or a customer I see at Rite Aid. He's out of my heart completely. I was hanging on to something because I needed to know how he felt but now that I've solved this "mystery" it'll never happen again. 


peace. 


oh, other stuff in my life is going well. I spent the night over at Trisha and Dylan's house recently, which was really fun. Spending a lot of time with Katelynn lately. I'm actually getting more and more interested in someone in the tri cities that I'll be able to hang out with for the rest of the summer if I play my cards right. I'm not going to go into much detail with any of that because this blog entry is getting incredibly long and I need to start practicing. 

current party invite list, and the weird greasy bakesale.

Another week passed, hello week 3 of Spring Quarter. Yeah, week 3? Something.

I'm still just... so unexplainably thrilled with the fact that I'm only taking one class at CBC, though part of me wishes I wasn't taking ANY classes but that'd cause burnout of this guitar hobby pretty fast if I didn't get a chance to get out every day. This week has been going okay, I've been playing as much as I can every day and I've been improving little by little with the alternate picking and arpeggios. The alternate picking is a lot easier for me because you barely even have to touch the strings but the arpeggios are hard because you almost have to pull on your previous string as if you're strumming but still have a clean, muffle free sound. Very tricky, I hope I get a half decent grasp of it by the end of this week.

It's not nearly as difficult to play for long periods of time anymore. Sometimes I'll cramp up a little in the shoulder but that's the extent of it.

So, here's my current open for revisions invite list for my party in June. This is in no particular order, though I'll try to categorize by how I've interacted with these people..

Current Invite List

1. Katelynn C.

2. Alan Y.

Best friend and her boyfriend, yeah!

3. Samantha

4. Shawn G.

5. Kevran R.

6. Rachelle G.

7. Aaron

Shawn and Samantha, of course. Kevran because we've been cool whenever I've gone over to "House." Rachelle and Aaron because they're badass, and fun

8. Abby S.

9. Taylor M.

10. Nathan S.

11. Gillian J.

12. Rhiannon J.

13. Tucker G.

14. Josh H.

15. Daisy M.

16. Caitlyn Sweeney

17. Kat L.

Oh shit it's the drama kids. Ha ha, well, I can honestly say the Johanson's have thrown some awesome parties so I hope mine can match up. I also hope Kat L. can come to the tri cities for it, she's hella fun to party with too.

18. Betsy W.

19. Caitlyn C.

20. Nathanael T.

21. Phil M.

22. Sean M.

23. Jon S.

24. Andrew W.

25. Hannah S.

26. Ashley B.

27. Alex (Shiro)

28. Brenna A.

Japanese class kids, yahoo!! haha

29. JJ

30. Thor B.

31. Cameron L.

32. Jessika B.

33. Louie

34. Patrick F.

35. Mitch H.

36. Heather

37. David (Heather's Bf)

38. Josh F.

39. Josh F.'s girlfriend Melanie

40. Kevin S.

41. Nate J.

People I've met at CBC, and people I've partied with

42. Denae

43. Jimmy

Sister's best friend and boyfriend, we can assume we'll be there helping out.

44. Geoff W.
45. Sheldon M.

46. Brittney D.

47. Robert M.

48. Chelsea C.

49. Dylan L.

50. Skyler F.

51. Tyler D.

52. Brad P.

53. Megan P.

54. Amanda B.

55. Mitch M.

56. Eugene M.

57. Lindy C.

People I forgot to mention earlier but are DEFINATELY invited too.

You might notice Katharine is "not invited." That's only because she's going to be in Los Angeles, if she's in town she's still of course welcome to come. This is a list of people that I almost know for sure if told in advance would be able to come to this because they're not moving or going on vacation that weekend that I know of.

Yup it's gonna be a hell of a time if I plan early, make sure everything is good to go when it starts, etc etc... It's pretty exciting. Like I said before, planning on getting a big projector set up in the backyard and have dubstep going by using Spotify radio. I'm also going to borrow a trampoline, set up a buffet table, and just let people go free and see what happens. It won't be boring and awkward with that many people, I can assure. There was some awkward standing around last year at the Japanese club party thing but it was still a success. I want this year to be WAY better, wee!

It's 7:00 pm. I worked until 3 today, typical Sunday shift. Got home and cooked myself something to eat and played guitar for an hour. I'm about to do some... YOU GUESSED IT!! exercise!! Then I better do a couple Japanese assignments. Didn't party this weekend, either. Guess I didn't feel a need too. I guess the stress of gas prices is making me more adapted to being at home when I'm not working, driving or at school.

I didn't end up buying Samantha a prom dress, reason being we drove all around the tri cities looking for a dress and we couldn't find any that fit or were the correct color. You'd be surprised how hard it is for anyone outside the thin frame to find a dress to wear. I don't think Samantha's body is abnormal by any means. We walked around 4th street in Pasco, the mall in Kennewick, David's Bridal, and back to her boyfriend's house. We're talking about $15 of gasoline in one day. I offered an alternative option of maybe taking a road trip instead of prom but she's really wanting to go to it. I did my best, but I honestly gave up. I hope Rachelle can help her out, I know she will and Samantha will look great and everything will work out perfectly in the end. I know it. But now, I need to focus on my own life and finances...

This upcoming Wednesday I won't have to pay for the lesson but the following week I will have to cash out $80. I've still been doing well on the dishes. Keeping up this routine has kept the house pretty tidy though when I get done with this blog I should probably sweep up my room. It's getting pretty narly in here, makes you realize how much filth is in the floors. I want to get them nice and clean for the new week.

What a boring life!! : P He he, my life was a *little* more interesting last Spring when I was taking Math 96 with Josh Fischer in the mastrabator kid's class. "Good job Chris!" Hahaha, poor Mr. Zhang.. Wow, that means it's almost been a year since the Guy Stevens insident started. That does seem like a long time ago now, in maturity, self worth, patience, etc etc... The end is in sight now, and I'm happy I'm done with bullshit, shady people like that.

I've been using rubbing alcohol on my fingertips to create calluses three times a day. It dries my skin up so it helps build resistance faster.Bought it at Rite Aid for $3.99, wowowow!!!

Oh GOD, that reminds me...





rite aid had a freaking bakesale.

Those are the cookies I brought for it. They sold almost immediately, and were the first things to go! I knew it, who could resist, they're SOOO darling. I snapped this picture before work and uploaded it to facebook saying I got em at Viera's. They didn't taste too bad either, a little crunchy for my taste, and Mexican cookies tend to be a little bland, but overall pretty good. Anyway, MORE money for Children's Hospital. It was Claudia's idea, she set up the bakesale in the store on the back counter, which I thought was a little bizarre because.... uhm, who has a bakesale indoors? Especially when it was BEAUTIFUL outside.

That's besides the point though. Very sweet point, a little creepy, but sweet... and she left all the sweets on the side counter today with a tag that says "Pay at Register" so suddenly I'm selling baked goods along with people's Colon-Ade.

Idk it's all very weird. I gtg, gonna wash my face and do some cardio.

peace.



痛みを伴う肺

I'm home. Praise Jesus.

I feel a lot better just being in my house surrounded by familiar things and not having to worry about nurses popping in and out wanting to put more foreign things in me and pricking me with more needles, and worst of all, examining me in places that I don't want them to be examining. Luckily though, after the long check out process, I was sent home, and now that room can be enjoyed by someone else that is stuck in the damned downstairs waiting room at that hospital.

I had the nicest nap with Miranda when I got home today, she got all snuggled in with my face. She can make me feel better than anyone else. She's just such a treat for me. No offense to anyone, but I really missed Miranda more than anyone else at the hospital just because she often dictates how well I sleep. Bad news about Spanky, though, he has gone missing. On a night with a lot of wind, he wandered off, and we haven't seen him since. We're wondering if the wind made him wander away from home, and now he's lost... or maybe he just left to pass. We're not sure. We're worried about him though, poor guy. [[**Note: Spanky is my 16 year old cat that is now blind and can barely get around outside without getting lost. He mainly spends most of his time indoors.]]

I have a lot of homework tonight, in every subject. This quarter has been hard and I would of been working on this stuff this weekend if the circumstances had of been different. I hope everyone at CBC enjoyed their four day weekend without illness... Can't believe I was at that damned hospital for 4 days (today was the 5th), I almost have post traumatic stress from it. I feel a little nauseous whenever I think about it. I just hope that I can sort of get a little of my appetite back.

I've lost some weight through all this. Yep, not eating for 4 days takes a toll on you. However getting pumped with fluids and antibiotics continually made me look more bloated then I usually do.. But I've lost about 10 lbs from this whole experience. So I'm down to about 145 lbs now, which is a good start to my weight loss. I still want to get down to my goal weight of 130. It's going to be hard but I'm going to do it. Right now, it doesn't look too difficult, considering that all food looks disgusting...

☆yours,

emily