Trying to brace myself

I'm very invigorated by the new year.

Today I got rid of a lot of trash around my house, bagged up some extra clothes that I don't wear for Goodwill, got a few things at the grocery store, practiced about 45 minutes and plan to knock out the other 35 before bed, and best of all prettied up by LinkedIn profile and added some people.

Sipic added me and "endorsed" some of my skills, wheeee : 3 Today was a good day indeed.... My profile is still missing a lot of information but at least I'm getting the hang of it. 

My goal for this break was to get a job and work on that profile so I feel accomplished to some degree. Though I haven't actually been contacted by anyone from the College of business about my application for the office position. I can't put all my eggs in one basket, I need to start applying for other jobs around campus too before long. I'd really rather not work retail again if I can help it. It's exhausting and boring. I either want a job on campus or something that can get me tips for being cute.

My darling Marshall is so happy to be home again where he can relax and not worry about other cats. 

I feel like he hasn't slept in weeks because of the shenanigans that inevitably occurred while we were gone. He stayed at the house with Michiko, Miranda and Marlow when we were in California and this afternoon I noticed some of his whiskers look like they've been cut short. I'm sure it's from Miranda scratching him in this face because he will recklessly annoy the other cats by biting their tails. 

He's been so cuddly and loving with me all day though. He makes me feel less nervous about any upcoming change in my life. Tomorrow school starts and I still have to buy my books. Today I was thinking maybe I'd get them with this guy I like right now but I wasn't able to get in contact with him.

Here are my New Years Resolutions for 2014

1. Make it a goal to practice 80 minutes of guitar a day. Enough to make sufficient progress but not enough to take over my life.

2. Use a squirt bottle to train Marshall not to beg for food. 

3. Study 2 hours a day on weekdays (ex. Friday) and Sundays mandatory, even if it's after a test so I don't end up giving one class more attention than the others. 

4. Absolutely no drinking on Sun.-Thurs., as always, and try to keep drinking on Saturday to a minimum because I need to be fully ready to study on Sundays. 

5. Be confident, damn it. Stop selling myself short, and if I do for God sake don't share it because it only puts you in a vulnerable position. Hold yourself in high esteem while of course respecting and trying to gain knowledge from people who are doing well at what you want to be doing. 

6. Make an effort to dress cute on days that I feel depressed and like shit to motivate myself to get out more. Get out more in general.

7. Don't judge or think badly of someone based on the way they look. Remember the law of attraction and that thinking negatively can effect how you appear to the rest of the world. This will help build new relationships with people. 

8. Moderate time on facebook to be able to use the computer for actual research and schoolwork.

9. Keep up with economics news and pay more attention to names and current events.

10. 100: combination of situps, squats every day. Continue to eat healthy and go the gym if possible. Burning off that energy feels great.

peace. 

Last week of summer. Cat in danger...?

Finally. Officially 7 more days until I move...

Still sucks that I'm stuck moving the DAY BEFORE school starts.... But hey beggers can't be choosers, especially this late in the game and I'm lucky enough to get a 1-bedroom. I'm really excited to be living in Brooklane because even if it's just another apartment on campus it's still a new place. I've been trying to find a floor layout to show you guys but my connection is being retarded.

I worked the past few days, which honestly meant limited practice time aside from getting the chance to complete this video that I've been meaning to do for awhile:

Ha, you can always tell when I'm concentrating really hard because my nostrils flare up. 

I try to avoid this unappealing face on video and at recitals so I try to practice to the point that I don't need to think so hard.

Let's see, I work at 5'.. That'll be a nice short shift. Then I work Thursday from 11-4 pm, then I'm DONEEE! woohoooo! I'll be happy to tell Jake about my accomplishment on the completed video this week, and he'll also be happy that I took the guitar in the shop finally. Not having my electric the past few days has forced me to play with my acoustic which sometimes I find much more enjoyable. 

Today I'm going to work on In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth, primarily for MEMORIZATION. Jake's been hammering that into my head every lesson since the last recital and this last one he was like 

"Why don't you listen to me? You should listen to me! Stop relying on those damn tabs!"

I'm like

Lol isn't that so stinking cute? I watched the movie Hotel Transylvania over at Tyler's house recently, I loved it. Since I went over there I can't find my DS which is pissing me off to no end that I'd be so stupid to leave it somewhere. So many hundreds of hours invested into those damn pokemon games... the past few days I have been getting better sleep so maybe it's best that I put this hobby to bed.................... actually no, I want my DS.

I need to figure out where my student loan money's at and how to get access to it. I also need to call my doctor to see if I can get a refill on my perscription... He didn't call me back the last time I tried so I need to keep working on it. Yesterday I forgot to take prozac and this morning my body felt super sore and stiff, it was somewhat disturbing. But yeah that's just a reminder that I need to get this taken care of. 

My family has been trying to convince me to not take Miranda to college with me... They think that having her in the apartment without the ability to go outside freely is going to have adverse effects on her health and wellbeing. Though I have a hard time believing this myself, the thought of it gives me a ping of indifference on whether or not I should take her. 

She's been acting so weird lately ever since I got the boxes out and I'm convinced it's because she knows that I'm leaving again... This is why I just want to give this a chance to see if she would like to stay with me. If she doesn't I'll bring her home, easy as that. They're also convinced that I'm going to "let her run away" if I bring her up the day of the move. Uh no, we'll bring her in a cat carrier. 

My sister is really angry about me taking her and hasn't really spoke to me in days. Well you know what too bad, she has a boyfriend that's here to keep her company practically 24-7. I'm alone. Case closed. 

peace. 

YES, YES, total happiness is an UNDERSTATEMENT right now...

I finally figured it out... the solution to my problems.

It was right in front of me all along. Why the Hell don't I just live alone? I called the housing office first thing this morning and will be able to get switched immediately. I know living alone might not sound exciting to some but for a creative introvert like me there's nothing better.

I'm just imagining the possibilities:

-I'll have my OWN kitchen-- cooking videos on youtube with no worry of interruptions.

-My OWN bathroom-- shower and bathe whenever I want without worrying about my roommate needing to use it.

-Use my AMP!

Absolute privacy. 

..And the best part is that I've got it, even this late in the game. The only studio apartment left is a "remodeled apartment in Brooklane." For some reason when she said this it made me think of the most ghetto place in the world-- like the "apartment-that-was-just-messed-up-and-we-just-had-to-fix-it" and thus hadn't been rented out yet. Regardless I do not care what so ever, I am very happy with my circumstances.

Now I know exactly what I'm bringing and can look forward to styling the apartment any way I want. I need to get some stuff out of Dad's shed to figure out what I have and what I want to bring.

And don't tell anyone you guys but I might be bringing a certain someone... 

I'm not that nervous about moving Miranda to the new environment. She absolutely loves me and she's a really smart cat so I couldn't imagine her just running off. She's probably not going to like the harness training but I'm going to do it as a way to get her outside. I'm sure I'm not allowed to have pets at student village but I know that other people have pushed the rule as long as everything is kept clean. If anyone gives me any lip about it I will gladly say I have a history of anxiety and need my pet there to help alleviate it. It's the truth.

Alright now I need to get to work. I do have a guitar lesson later so I need to practice too and somehow get a copy of "In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth." I've been working on that for about a week but I've already got most of it done. Now Jake can't give me shit for not focusing on one song. He's gonna want to play master of puppets today more than likely so I need to get shred ready.

peace. 

Communication issues

Hi.

Okay. Here I am. Still here in Benton city. It's 12:33 pm. All my stuff is in my car, I have a few pieces of laundry tumbling around in the dryer... I have makeup on and got a good night's sleep but I have horrendous bags under my eyes. I guess there's been a lot on my mind lately. Granted I've been happy, probably happier than I've been in awhile. I usually feel this after coming home, visiting with my friends and family, and then leaving feeling refreshed.

I don't leave my calendar open when I'm home. I don't make a daily checklist either. I just do whatever I want and let the day come to me as it will. In Ellensburg however I find it necessary on the weekdays to write out everything that I need to get done. Maybe it's because I'm living alone or because I have more responsibilities.

It's probably because in college I am 100% accountable for myself, my work, etc... If I stub by toe there's no point of screaming "SH*T!" because there's nobody around to hear it-- versus here at home where if I'd stub my toe the whole house would have to hear about it. It's funny, I find myself falling into old cursing habits when I come home, especially when I'd hang out with Katelynn, but I don't normally curse at school unless I'm around people that make me nervous or intimidated.

I'm trying to cut back on my cursing immensely. It's hard because I got really accustomed to it at home as an anger release, but now I just think of it as something that breeds bad karma. My Dad has been yelling at my mom so much lately and he's practically impossible to communicate with. I know he realizes that we know that he's doing it too but he's afraid of losing his sense of authority if he doesn't yell all the time. He would get so much more respect out of everyone if he would just calm down, but something tells me he can't help it. He  has to yell at people or he feels like nobody's listening...

That or he does it because he's bored and it gives him some kind of satisfaction to yell at us. I don't know. I've helped my mom take everything with a grain of salt with him because I understand now that it's just in his nature to behave this way. It's unfortunately not going to change, and I sincerely believe that he loves us. I just want him to calm down and enjoy life a little more.. But at the same time I think he enjoys getting pissed off about things.

My Mom is so loving and positive but for the sake of convenience and Avery and I's sanity growing up my parents always stuck together and we've always been a family. It's an interesting relationship. My Dad's really smart, I realize that more now as I've gone to school longer because this stuff is difficult. My Dad told me hardly any of this stuff that I'm learning I will have to take directly from memory to work in the future.

Honestly I'm not thinking much about that-- my future in the professional world that is. The most important time is the present. I'm trying to do college to the best of my ability, period. Next quarter I've got statistics, professional speaking and macroeconomics and for the next week or so I'm planning on checking out what to anticipate.

Uh let's see, what else....

Clothes. My mom and I went into town and I got some new clothes to wear. That was kind of a nice confidence boost and feeling of new beginnings after losing Katelynn. I honestly feel that now that we're not best friends anymore I will start wearing brighter colors. I've come to realize that one of the only reasons I wore only dark clothes was because I wanted to stay humble to keep her in my life. Maybe subconsciously I felt that if I dressed girlier she would think I was becoming like my mom and sister and not want to be friends with me. It's all really strange.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that Katelynn is not in my life I feel like my main source of judgement for what's happening in my life is gone...

My Mom and I tried to have a discussion with my Dad earlier and I backed up my Mom that he often acts out of line. I surprisingly was able to make him stay and talk for 10 minutes and actually admit that he does act unreasonable. He gets really defensive when you hold him accountable for his behavior at all. It's impossible for my Mom so I kind of have to back her up when he starts screaming about absolutely nothing of importance.

peace. 

Is having someone to cuddle with sooo much to ask? haha

Just got done with my 3rd math test about an hour ago.

It went okay, I'll probably get another B-/C, I know I did some of them right but I totally goofed on the interest problems on the back. Ironically enough that was the one thing I was supposed to learn from this course but I kept on screwing up the calculations somehow. Oh well, he knows I tried. I actually came in this morning to ask him about it but he told me I'd get some of the points if I'm just able to write the values into the formula pretty much. I'm not too worried about it.

I'm making a grilled chicken thigh with sweet potato fries right now. It's only 10:00 AM but I almost always make myself some sort of brunch meal. I'll get up in the morning, usually not have time to make myself a healthy breakfast, then come home from my math class pretty hungry.

This makes me realize that for next quarter on Mondays-Wednesdays when I have my three classes in a row from 8:00-11 AM I need to be more proactive about getting up earlier to fix myself something or have a WHOLE bowl of cereal. Usually in the morning if I try preparing myself something I don't finish the whole thing because of both lack of appetite and time constraint.

I've found "Mexican Eggs," or my version of it.. to be a total Godsend energy wise. I'll post a picture and a recipe next time I make it. Maybe I will tomorrow. I need to buy more tortillas. Better add that to my list of things I gotta buy on my next shopping trip...

Today is kind of one of those lonely days. It'll feel a lot better once I have my guitar lesson with Jacob, which is today at 5:30 PM so I'm stupid f*ing stoked to practice all day and just enjoy my time. I plan on watching nostalgic youtube videos, try to run though to scales, work on my pieces... It's going to be SUCH a nice day off today. Okay maybe it's not a lonely day after all! Ha ha see how that works?

I do miss my cat though. She's back home, earlier I wanted to cuddle up and go back to bed after that test but now that I smell lunch cooking and remembered that I've got ALL day to practice just made me feel energized. 

Once I started thinking about cuddling with Miranda I thought, 'Well shit it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with in general...' I think that was one of the main things I was excited about with Jed was having someone to wake up to occasionally. Most people don't mind sleeping alone; I certainly don't mind sleeping alone.. I mean I have my whole life so it's not like I can complain! But when Winter comes its like ugggh... it's cold. It's always been a lot easier because I had Miranda on my bed every night. 

But alas! Jed more than likely woke up next to some other girl today! Some magical girl that just realized she really should have loved Jed all along and when they drunkenly reunited at that party everything became so much clearer. That's beautiful, they're SO cute and I'm SOOOO happy for them! 

It's scenarios like this that make me feel very numb inside. I remember thinking the other day, "If I met my 16 year old self, what would she think of me..." Well I know my sixteen year old self would be extremely impressed with what I've become. When I was sixteen I wished I could play the guitar but could never do it because I never had direction with crappy instructors like Mr. Neilson. I was pretty self conscious back then so I think I would be happy to see how much confidence I've gained and how easy it's become for me to meet people. 

I don't know if meeting people was necessarily the issue when I was 16... It was more of a lack of self worth at the time. That's back when I was dating Connor and had the only relationship I've ever been able to truly enjoy. I think my sixteen year old self would be really disappointed that things never got better after Connor. I'd tell myself that things just got worse... and worse... until January 2012 when I finally just said fuck it, men just need to get the fuck away from me. 

I was so full of love and genuine emotion when I was sixteen. I feel in some ways I've grown numb and cold towards those emotions since that time. I don't even allow myself to have crushes anymore because feel that person is just going to leave me... And trying to suppress it when I actually DO have feelings for that person and they continue to be in my life leaves me much more stressed out and than happy. 

Like when I was with Jed... I kept everything super casual, I tried not to flirt hardly at all because God forbid I should indicate I wanted a relationship. I was confident, which is sexy... There was nothing I could have done differently. Yet he still disappeared, and the week prior to him doing it I was crying all the time because I knew it was coming based on the fact that he hadn't texted me hardly at all. I just know the signs.. Plus I got a feeling the moment he'd left that morning. 

So it's a good thing I didn't allow myself to get too attached. That night when we were laying together, just momentarily I was laying against his side with his arm around me and I thought to myself, "Man... this is nice..." I took a second to really enjoy the moment because subconsciously I just knew this wouldn't last like everything else. 

..I remember I'd gotten up early to go to Math class and came back and he was still in my bed sleeping. He indicated that he wanted me to come lay back down but I didn't let myself even if I'd wanted too. I wanted to indicate that I'm not a lazy person, once I am up for the day I don't go back to bed. That and I could just tell by his body language that it would be my last time seeing him. 

Hoping my intuition wasn't true, I figured it'd be a cute gesture to make some pancakes for us for breakfast. I started making them and shortly after he practically bolted out the door to meet up with some friend.... So there I was in my kitchen staring at this bowl of pancake mix for two people with nothing to do with it. I ended up making two BIG, 10 inch pancakes, dumping a bunch of strawberries/sugar, and whipped cream on top and scarfing it myself. I just didn't give a f*ck. 

We really didn't talk for the whole next week. I thought about him quite a bit but didn't text him because he wasn't texting me first at all. I was just getting sick of the whole thing, tired of not knowing how he felt about me, knowing this probably wasn't going anywhere and it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to spend time with him anymore... And look what happened! Exactly what I predicted! 

So to those of you that think being pretty makes a significant difference on the amount of bullshit girls have to go through you're wrong. In fact to be honest with you if you're pretty you're worse off in your early 20's because most of the guys in your dating pool are just trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. 

Disgusting.

Which is why I am numb, and probably will be for a very long time. 

I don't even give a shit anymore you guys, seriously. I'm perfectly fine without someone, it's just frustrating this time of year to feel alone and cold. But to say "Alone" for me is comical because I have such an incredible network of people that I talk to... it's just, there's always something missing in *that* regard. But because my life has improved immensely over the past year I can't complain too much. I just gotta continue to deal with it and not allow more Jed's to come into my life. 

It's just not worth it, the stress of liking someone is way worse than the numbness of not liking anyone. 

peace. 

Let's take TWO trips, shall we?

Yay! This calls for a 1980's "getting stuff done" montage!

2 days!

I'm moving out in two days and my Mom of course had no idea. I've been telling her every day, "Hey mom! Twelve more days!" "Four more days!" etc etc but she hasn't gotten the memo and we don't have a uhaul. She claims she's going to make "Two trips" with the van. What the hell, is there seriously nobody we could borrow a large vehicle from?

I've been a little lacking in guitar this week because I've been really busy and I've had so much on my mind that all I've wanted to do is talk to Jason. My playing has gotten so much more relaxed since Jacob corrected my hand positioning, though, so I can afford to slack a bit this week. I'm hoping I do get in three hours today, maybe even a little more because I only practiced an hour yesterday. It's only 8:30 am so I can give myself guitar breaks during packing. Or maybe packing breaks during guitar. He he he. NO, I NEED to get this stuff done...

I need to figure out what order I'm going to do this in. I think the  best place to start would be the clothes because I figure to move that dresser we're going to have to pull all the clothes out anyway so I might as well get that done. I'll plan out some outfits for the next couple days.

In my room I have music equipment that'll be a big pain in the ass to move and takes up a lot of space. I'm planning on bringing my bass, Samara and the acoustic as well as my big amp and POD (which I'll probably take in the car with me because it's so fragile). This really is just the beginning of my instrument collection though, my plan is that I will obtain one new guitar with everyone 1,000 hour milestone I reach. Right now I have 422 for the past five months. 

Miranda is on my bed right now. I feel like I'm going to miss her more than anything from a day to day basis because she gives me so much relaxation and happiness in my life. She really is the last thing I want to hold onto.

Because really, there's nothing more for me to gain here in the tri cities. I went to CBC and got my first degree close to home. I had my dead end job for a year; I put on my Noh face for anyone that gave me shit and didn't kiss anyone's ass. My best friends are both doing VERY well so I have nothing to worry about. Katelynn should be getting a job at Amazon here shortly and Samantha just got a job at Let's Party (which I'm having a feeling will turn into a career). They've both got good, stable relationships and Katelynn's no longer partying with Zach. 

Needless to say, I'm quiet excited, and I need to get to work. : ) 

peace. 

36. And when my back is against the wall...

I somehow pull myself out.

I studied for nearly four hours tonight total, and my Dad helped me a LOT with my accounting work (understanding the material, prodominantly, and I feel more ready for lectures). Not to mention I also got time to play guitar for an hour and I was able to sloppily play through the first minute and 30 seconds of Lonely Day with the recording. This is an accomplishment, that intro is pretty difficult-- well for me anyway, picking individual strings versus just bar chords is more of a challenge. But practice should help that. It's one of my favorite songs by System, and if I get this one down that'll be number 3 on my New Years resolution to learn all of there songs. At the rate I'm going I doubt I'll learn *all* of them but I can try my best at least.

I don't have room to complain, lately I can say that I've been enjoying the quality of life a lot more. Trying to use my time productively has helped a lot, and even if playing guitar isn't nessasarily more "productive" than playing the sims or messing around on Gaia, it makes me feel a lot better about how I'm spending it.

Studying a lot helps too. It's just a matter of GETTING STARTED. Just a couple hours makes a HUGE difference.

peace.