"S.O.S Day 2" From gasping for air to getting my composure

So as you guys know I came to the conclusion I have to work harder to turn my grades by the end of the quarter (the next four weeks or so)..

 I had another bump in the road last night when I spent hours trying to do well on a quiz and again got a terrible score... 47%. Which I partially blamed on Jacob because we shared answers with eachother and the ones we got different answers on I switched to his answers... and ended up getting a bunch of those wrong and my original answers were right. Because Jacob and I take turns submitting it first so nobody has an advantage, he was right to get frustrated when I flipped out on him for my bad score. I guess I more or less learned my lesson to not completely abandon my own judgement and go with my own gut feelings on answers. I shouldn't just abandon my own work for Jacob's answer because regardless of that fact that he's getting way better grades than me overall, a lot of his answers are decided by intuition and guessing instead of bothering to work through the whole process like I tend to do (which unfortunately tends to take a huge amount of time). Both of our methods work independently but learning to work together is something we could really improve on.

There's going to be another economics midterm in a couple days. I feel like my grasp on this chapter is -slightly- better than the first set but better safe than sorry. Today I spent about 3 hours just working my own copies of the excel templates. Jacob's templates made an extremely convenient reference for using those formulas. Because I've got such a good reference I'm deciding to ensure I'm getting the hang of excel by making my own copies of the templates instead of downloading Gray's. It's a long process but a rewarding one.

Today I was also good and read the first half of my insurance chapter for law. I found this one particularly interesting because it gave me a potential job insight. Insurance agents assess their clients rates by looking at the individual's risk that they will require compensation in the near future. Economics is all about risk evaluation. I am going to make sure to apply for a lot of insurance companies when I begin my career search. Wrote that one on the door.

Do you guys remember frosted toast? Did I mention that while working at Little Caesers? Our awesome roommate Charlie (who happens to be hispanic) brought home these freaking delicious marshmallow cookie treats that his mom sent him with. He'd done some grocery shopping recently and got some really delicious food... Like he went to a legit carneceria in Yakima and got some of the best ham I have ever eaten in my life. Even better than the smoked ham I've had on Christmas time because the moisture in this particular piece was suburb. One I suppose "nice" thing that's come out of the burglary is that Charlie has been over more frequently to keep tabs on his stuff. Understandable. Hopefully he's not keeping super close tabs on his food because I might've also had some of his Mexican brand Saltines.(**Since then I've been grocery shopping, damn munchies!)

I still haven't figured out a way to conveniently post a picture from my phone onto a blog entry I'm writing. I'm sure there is a way, I just haven't really tried.

Jacob and I laid next to eachother and had a really long conversation about better ways to respond to situations one of us feels defensive or uncomfortable about instead of blaming the other person. Granted Jacob does not blame me for things, sometimes even when it's partially my fault.. so I should do the same in return.

I cried today about not having my guitars. Not being able to practice has really been eating away at me. This super sweet, awesome guy named Tucker actually said he'd give me one of his guitars that has been since collecting dust and if he were to do that I would be grateful for the rest of my life. Losing my guitars has been like the kidnapping of two of my best friends. I might not ever see them again or bring them back but I can at least make new friends.

peace.

I'm a loser babbbbay

So why don't cha kill me.

These are one of those days where I look about almost as bad as I feel on the inside.

After all that fucking work I still did not feel confident on that test what so ever. All the prayers. All the work I did these past two days.. I mean 5 hours the day before yesterday. .then yesterday I was at it from 12 in the afternoon to  this morning at 8:00!! I could not rest until i'd felt confident on that material and I just... didnt. These were the chapters on stock valuation that I really wanted to build a better understanding of. I mean I guess I did... I learned a lot. But I feel like I must have slacked off this last week because I barely touched the last two chapters until this morning. I was an idiot and spent waaay too much time trying to master 8/9  which conceptually were hard chapters in and of themselves. Of course by the time I *did* finish reading chapter 10/11 concepts over and over but and copiex problems and answers down i thought would help me. A lot of it didnt because I didn't have adequate practice.

Not all is lost though. I still plan on joining the finance club in the spring, I'm still gonna turn in the chapter 11 homework for extra credit and I WILL complete that case study even if I was one of the few losers that didn't prioritize well enough to even start the thing. and this is like... 25 hours I spent annotating the book, practicing problems,  bah bah.. but THATS because I was probably only half paying attention because i  had YouTube on. Nobody is a multi-tasker, when you read or do homework of even play guitar sometimes it's useless because I'm really paying attention of the crazy/druggie/hitetrash/serial killers to really pay attention.
I hope to improve this asap.
Ahh I'm dozing off already.
Gnite guys (11:04 am)

There has to be a better future being created here.

Helllllloooo....

Today is the 12th of January, this month has been flying by already but I've been keeping on top of my schoolwork and stuff I need to do really well for the most part. Aside from applying for internships. However I didn't have much of a gameplan until now but I'm now thinking of goals to set in place to start the application process.

First of all, Katharine sent me a bunch of her old cover letters and applications. I'm going to use those as well as advice on Tenerelli's page to figure out how to write a good one. I'm also going to need to demonstrate my ability somehow, and I believe the best way to do this is make some spreadsheets using Excel and R.

I remember using R studio to a degree. My problem is going to be finding company data. Should I attempt to forecast stock value or future profits based on how much a company is taxed? I'm going to have to dig back into my assignments from Wassell's class and that website to remember how to do this. I think if I make a decent portfolio of my abilities I learned in economics and finance classes I'll have a good shot at something. Katharine is right when she says I need to apply for everything and here I've still applied for nothing. 

You guys will never believe how much more efficient my time has become since I stopped smoking like a fiend. I no longer have the anxiety to sit down and do things. The material I'm reading seems way more understandable and I'm able to comprehend it the FIRST time around, saving me hours of wasted time. I'm so glad I quit smoking, so glad. 

And I want this blog entry to be a reminder for myself in the future next time I want to pick up that habit. Part of me is afraid of the potential to fall back into it after I get my anti-anxiety medication but I think after all this positive re-enforcement and what is likely to come in the next couple weeks I won't ever be taking those horrible gravity hits again, especially not on a regular basis.

When I talked to my mom on the phone earlier I talked a lot about regretting the past. Regretting the time I could have spent really taking in the material. She just told me that I did the best I could, I'm definitely not the first person to have gone through college stoned,  and that I still have these next 6 months to make major change in my life to prepare for... well.... Life.

I'm 23. Do I know exactly what career I want to have? No. But am I confident about my intelligence and ability to work hard in the future? Yes.

I just keep thinking of how badly I want my anti-anxiety medication too. It sucks having had it for 18 days and then abruptly cut off when it was helping me quit but if they had never cut me off I might have never quit at all.


Okay this is all I've been talking about lately so I'm going to talk about something else. 

I watched Bob's Burgers this morning. I wish they'd upload the new season.

Since I've quit drugs I've stopped watching as many TV shows about hard drugs, the ones that were probably making me feel less guilty for the way I was living.

Marshall Marshall Marshall. He finally hit his breaking point of having to go outside last night. Luckily I had slept a great deal on Sunday because my ass was hungover so NOT sleeping last night was not detrimental. However annoying he can be at times. He was squeeling at me at around midnight and I tried to feed him, pet him, gave him some catnip, etc... but nothing was shutting him up. He would stop for like 15 minutes then start again.

At around 2 am I finally just got up, put on my sweats and a robe and took him outside. There was snow on the ground but he was more than happy to run around in circles and under the deck sniffing everything. I stood out there for about 10 min before I nervously got him back inside. Once he was back in he was meowing at the top of his lungs again so I just had to let him do his thing. Thankfully I was able to let him back in this morning safe and sound. He seems a lot more relaxed now that he's getting a chance to roam around more.

He still hasn't interacted much with my roommate's fluffy cat Kiki though. That'll be funny to see when they start playing.

Night guys.

peace.

Last regular week, I can barely believe it.

Evening everyone, it's 10:52 pm, last Tuesday of the last week of regular class this quarter.

Next week of course is finals week but because I won't have class while I'm studying for the ETS exam and doing my forecasting project, this week feels like the last. I've written out my plan of action to finish this quarter strong and I'm feeling confident in my ability to do so if I stay strong and don't let burnout take control.

That shouldn't be a problem this quarter. Regardless of the fact that I've worked extremely hard, these past few weeks have been probably more fun than what I'd normally be having in the summer. Hanging out with  Joel and his friends has made schoolwork and my weekends much more enjoyable. I still like him as much as when we started hanging out but I really have to continually remind myself that it's temporary.

This isn't even something I have to worry about when I'm sober, either... When I'm sober our "relationship" is clear-- That he's not my boyfriend, we're just spending time together in college (thus should not try to hold hands in public, etc) and there's probably little to no chance we'll see eachother this summer, if ever again. But when I've been drinking and we're hanging out for hours and hours on end things get kind of fuzzy.

Sunday night we'd both had a couple beers and met up at his place. The plan was to come back to my place and study. Honestly when I'd got to his house I was feeling pretty goofy, enough so to have got my yoga pants caught in my bike chain about four times on the way there. When we were walking back together through campus I grabbed his hand (which I figured was fine, considering we'd held hands before when we go out but then again he was probably drunk...) and he sort of shook it off. Like, 'no, not cool.'

We walked back together most of the way but when we got to Brooklane I kind of bolted ahead of him. Like I started speedwalking and he didn't keep up so I kept going. When we got back he thought I was mad at him. I think part of me was.

One morning I'd made a comment that my study habits have gotten worse "since we started dating.." and he said "I wouldn't say we're dating."

So there you go, nevermind. Apparently spending almost every day of the last three weeks together still wouldn't constitute as "dating." It's fine, I've still really enjoyed his company and will hopefully continue to until school is over. We work really well together and he's extremely complimentary of me so it's been nice having him around but we've obviously spent too much time together lately and I was starting to get the wrong ideas.


Today I did a solid 3 hours of econ studying for my midterm the day after tomorrow. I also had an AWESOME grocery shopping trip today. I was able to get all of this at Bargain market for only $46:

If I'm able to cook and eat as I have the past week-- innovative to run down my actual stock of food, this could be enough to last me until I move out. I'm not sure the exact date of that but I know I really need to start job hunting. I can't have another summer where I'm unemployed for the first four weeks of being back, that sucked last year. 

Man, I'd honestly love to go work on the farm this year. I know that's kind of fucked up to say with what happened to my Dad and never really getting an apology from Grandma about it but I need the money and me and Ty really don't have beef with eachother anymore. I mean trust me, I hate what Ty did to my Dad kicking him off the farm. Ty owns the farm completely now and it would be really hard for me to deal if he got mad and started yelling at me or something... Though somehow I couldn't picture him doing that if my Dad wasn't around to rile him up. 

I'm going to message my aunt and see if Graham's planning on working this summer.

peace. 

Get some ambition, why you bored

Evening. It's 10 pm.

This week I worked really hard... Monday and Tuesday I studied 3.5 hours and I finished my finance homework early (granted it was quite easy and now I have the dubious task of studying the other three chapters for the test this weekend). My first Finance test is next Monday and Carbaugh's test is on Tuesday. This weekend I'm going to be studying a lot. At least I'll get to sleep in. Getting up at 8 every day is the pits (ha ha).

My friend Michael G. really would make an incredible professor. He came over last night and walked me through R from the very beginning. He taught me how to assign variables, make graphs, constrict data, format the axis... I was so happy to get that help because I was starting to get really lost. I plan to play around with R again this weekend. My next assignment for forecasting doesn't require coding so that was somewhat of a relief. We're learning about judgmental forecasting and the limitations and biases of the human brain. Business college has really taught me to think more critically and logically.

Today I did slack, though. When I got home from classes I took a nap and ate a really crappy lunch. I accidentally burnt the chicken nuggets and fries I was making and they came out pretty flavorless. I feel antsy so I went to the gym until around 6'. It's always a nice stress relief but I rarely feel like studying afterward.

I am going to work on Carbaugh multiple choice questions and watch Netflix until bed. My parents are coming up for Easter Sunday so I'm going to have to really clean my house before they get here. I think knowing I'm going to have a lot to do this weekend gave me permission to slack today.

Wow, this is only my third blog entry this month and it's the 17th, that's depressing. The amount of work that I'm having to do this quarter has made my leisure time more scarce. I've had to really put guitar and drawing on the back burner but when I do have time I'd rather be doing that and watching TV than writing.

peace. 

Oh just screw it.

Hey guys, it's almost 1 am.... I had a f*ing crazy long day, long weekend, lots of stuff going on that I need to tell you.

 I promise to tell you more about my weekend tomorrow, to anyone reading, how about THAT?! But for now I've got more serious stuff on my mind.

If cigarettes are as big of an instant stress relief as I've heard people say they are I should never smoke. 

Maybe it's my Jewish roots that can take me from feeling perfectly content and confident one day to being completely stressed to the point of feeling completely hopeless and out of control of my life. This quarter academically I've felt very out of control because of the stress that Finance class initially put on me not having the textbook on time, then realizing I wasn't ready to hack the material at the speed the instructor was going so I had to drop it... This was a hard enough issue as it was.

Sipic totally went to bat for me to get me into Hedrick's class late (Tuesday of week 3, technically the last day you could enroll late). I was thrilled about this opportunity initially until I went to the bookstore and realized they didn't have a copy of what I needed. I needed the access code so I figured ordering it at the school versus Amazon wouldn't make that much of a difference. Dropped $150 and it was projected to arrive her Thursday. Thursday...... More than halfway through the week.

I let Sipic know about this and he gave me a Micro book from a different course just in case I wasn't able to get a copy of the text. Because I didn't have the right syllabus for Hedrick's class at this point I messaged him to get the material that we'd covered but he didn't get back to me on that (he probably figured I had the syllabus, which does have what I need...).

So I had Hedrick's class this morning and it didn't seem too bad... He was going over the demand and supply curve shifts that occur when tariffs and taxes are placed on imports. It's not like it doesn't make sense to me but having entered the class after missing two weeks of review material it felt a little rusty to me. Hedrick seems like a nice guy, he told me to meet him at his office so he could get me caught up on what we were doing.

I went to his office and he told me that the class had already done two homeworks and two quizzes and said he'd give me some leeway because I'm just entering the class. I mean that's great and everything but homework and quizzes are through an online source so they close when they're due.

So here I am, trying to manage my time for the night with a huuuuge amount of micro work to do and a little bit of macro homework... I made what was due first a priority so I spent 8 hours working on micro tonight... Not even freaking kidding you guys. And I actually did make some progress on the third homework that was assigned to the class which was sort of impressive considering the circumstances. The homework was due at 11:50 and around 11' I couldn't take it and decided to call my Mom. Offfff course I was crying, feeling like it's the end of the world and she somehow makes me feel better.... I love my Mom so much. 

She made me realize that with the way everything has gone this quarter there's no shame in just taking 10 credits. If I continued taking this class that I'm entering 3 weeks late I'd inevitably sacrifice a huge amount of studying for my other classes and bring my entire GPA down. Not worth it at all.

peace. 

This quarter's already getting fun

Evening.

I've now gotten a feel for what I'm in for this quarter. One professor I really like the style of, the other it's too early to tell because a good majority of the lecture was spent "stroking himself" (as my friend described it today, the man does brag quite a bit but he seems to have done a lot in his life so whatever. These professors suffer enough to get their PhD., get published and spend endless hours doing random research that they can have their time on the first day to brag if they want too.)

One of my professors is named Wassell I believe, he looks kind of like an older Corey B. and sounds like him too. His class is in the big room (115), where Terry and I screwed around and passed notes during managerial last quarter. I stood outside the class for a little while with some people I know, like this guy Robert W. who's in both my classes. Terry and I caught a glimpse of eachother. I smiled and he smiled back but turned away trying to play it off like he didn't notice.

Of course we did end up sitting in the seats we sat in last quarter. When he noticed I was walking that direction Terry was like "YEA Our lucky seats!!" And I'm like "F&^% yeah we're gonna get A's this quarter!!" Then he's like "YES high five!!" and I jumped up and kind of grabbed his hand...  It was just weird, we just got really freaking pumped  for about 2 seconds before he realized that he lost his cool and quickly sat down. I of course could give a rats so I was sitting there cracking up and he's like, "...but seriously though."

I really liked Wassell's lecture yesterday because I found him very clear, understandable, organized and cohesive-- everything I like in a good economics professor because it allows me to write notes and really take in what they're saying. When a professor goes too fast and skips around the material I lose interest quick... this is what happened in that same room last quarter. Yet I somehow got a B.

Another sort of cool thing about his class is that he apparently passes out hard copies of the homework then gives us answers to correct them which are similar to the answers to the tests. I'm really hoping my finance teacher has a similar system  because that class is going to have a ton of homework too. In both classes homework is a big chunk of the grade which is always advantageous to me. Doing homework doesn't really stress me out anymore.

But yeah my finance teacher that I had today seemed... interesting. He straight admits that his reputation online is "horrible" but that the reason is that half the people coming into class are just looking for an easy A and he wants to make sure we're getting our parents are getting our money's worth. Fair enough, challenge accepted. He also has a Mississippi accent.

I don't know if I've posted a picture of Ryan yet, I hung out with him for the first time pretty shortly before he went to Europe with some of his buddies so we didn't really talk for 3 weeks but we'd kind of "liked" eachother's photos back and forth every so often so I got the impression he seemed interested in hanging out again

So yesterday I was supposed to get coffee a second time with Ryan but he got jet lag and fell asleep. This was like at 6:30 pm, which granted I had postponed from the original time that he'd wanted to three times because I was frying something that took forever and made a huge mess. So yeah I went to Starbucks, got my coffee and my scone and talked to some Japanese international students until I checked my phone and realized he wasn't coming. 

I'm a firecracker when guys flake..... I refrained myself and just wrote "Wow". He did send me a text apologizing for this today and asked if we could reschedule for today but I didn't feel like it because I'd taken a nap and felt groggy looking. Tomorrow it is. I'll let you know how that goes. I really enjoyed his company the first time because he seems really smart. He made me laugh more than once which is not easy to do for most people.*

peace. 

*... Okay maybe that's kind of a lie because I'll chuckle at practically anything if a person is trying to make some observation  but that doesn't mean I'm always serious. 

BANG BANG BANG... silence.

Weekend again. It's almost 7, Friday evening.

I have this policy analysis that I have to do this weekend. I feel lame having not put any significant effort into it at this point.. But I have all of tomorrow and Sunday to get it done. I've got that "rough draft" that will at least get me started. I'm taking the rest of the night off.

Most of today was spent studying for my public finance test (midterm 3) and of course was one of the last ones in my class to finish it. I'd made the decision to prepare more than adequately for this test to assure that I wasn't getting another C after last week's shitty test. So yeah, studied the material super well this week... I know I did well on the multiple choice and didn't bullshit any of the essay questions except for 2 because I forgot to read the damn Facebook articles. 

When I'd made this realization toward the end of the test I was sooo frustrated... Like I stayed up late last night, then woke up at 6' this morning to study for a couple solid hours before money and banking (debated not even going but I'm glad I did...) then studied with Mike H. then went home and studied for another 40 minutes before the test!! But somehow completely forgot the f*cking facebook articles-- didn't cross my mind once the past few days. Now the highest I could possibly get is an 87. Doesn't give me much wiggle room for mess ups on the rest of the thing at all, and I'm really hoping that after all of this work I at least pull a B.

Yesterday I had a quiz in Money and banking that I was not feeling comfortable on what so ever, even if I did a pretty good amount of studying. True/False questions are tricky but I usually do surprisingly well on them.. I guess better than I expect. I think in some ways I've always had a good nose for bulls**t.. Like I can tell when someone is lying or when something's kind of off, so naturally I guess I would be good at true-false.

When I was going through the stack of papers Terry was standing behind me. His was on top of mine at the bottom of the stack and when he reached down to grab his he picked up mine too. I snatched that paper out of his hands so fast, I did NOT want him to be the first one to see it.. Especially because I thought I did really bad and I always just assume Terry's scores are within a 5 point margin of my scores (*give or take). I put the quiz under my textbook cover when I was debating looking at it and was pleasantly happy/shocked to see that I scored a 22/28 (78%... Still a C, but a more respectable C than last time!).

Terry didn't do so hot on this one and told me he wanted to go drink... Lol it was like 10 am. I know how that goes though, you just feel sick for the rest of the hour... if it's bad enough the rest of the day. Which is why I didn't even want to look at the score in the first place.

Oh! Also I got 41/50 (82%) on my managerial test. I was pretty happy with this. Every day this week has been spent cramming for one test or another.

okay, school was designed to make us all suffer, we get it, moving on...

Here it is, Friday night. I do want to have fun. Hold on I'll take a picture of my kind of filthy self after a long day...

Right now I'm feeling kinda greasy, blah and unmotivated. I got my guitar practice quota done (my hands are honestly kind of sore from working on rondo alla turca, it involves a lot of middle finger technique that I'm not used too), feeling accomplished with this week for the most part... I want to have fun!! 

I've texted a couple people (Oscar and Marlowe, the girl I met last week) but haven't heard back from either yet. I am debating texting Allie.. I don't know, I tried to hit her or Kala up the past couple weekends and I didn't get much response so I'd rather the next time they want to hang out they text me so I know that they don't like... dislike me or something.

I think the next step in my evening, regardless of what happens, is to go get a couple Coronas and relax with my kitty cat and I'll be quite happy. It's been a tough week, this quarter's coming to an end and I'm excited to spend some time with my family soon. Tomorrow I might be meeting my Dad  in Yakima for lunch and do some wandering around at thrift stores. I'm still on a hunt for some funky, retro refrigerator magnets!! And a bigger coffee maker that I don't have to refill three times a day.

Alright goin' on a beer run.

peace. 

OH... Weirdest ass thing happened yesterday. Weird because I was just thinking about her (well of course, she's my ex best friend how could I not...). I got a text from Katelynn yesterday saying that if I have a problem with her I should say it to her instead of going to Alan about it (wtf..? I haven't said a word to Alan in months...) and then said something completely off the wall... I'm debating even posting it but I guess because all the bridges are burnt what difference does it make. 

She said "Alan doesn't want to ^&*%, you, nice try..." Woah. Woah.... What? Which is basically what I said in response. I'm like Dude, the last time I talked to Alan was after you dumped me as a friend pretty shortly after you'd dumped him as your boyfriend. I sent him a message saying I was sorry, they ended up back together, and I haven't talked to either of them since. I've never wanted anything to do with Alan that way. I turn down guys all the time here, why the Hell would I want to pursue some guy in the tri cities? I mean among all of the reasons that make that statement just outright crazy. 

Makes me wonder if she was even trying to text me or someone else... She didn't respond when I responded to her a couple hours later basically asking what the Hell was she talking about. I know that shortly before we stopped being friends she became friends with S. Wilson's older sister and might have been trying to text her or something. I don't know... It was just weird. Maybe with a few beers in me I might not be so hesitant to ask her about it..... 

work steadily getting more managable

I was reluctant for a long time to post my business school acceptance letter on facebook for some reason, so to be honest this sat on our living room floor since the 18th. I stuck in on my wall for a few minutes and found it was too stressful to see so I put it in the drawer.

Pretty much my entire life as I see it relies on this degree. It's my job these next probably two years to work my absolute hardest and do absolutely everything possible to get this damn degree. I was meditating on this last night and when I thought about school my emotions got kind of worked up and it stirred me out of meditation. That's how I know it's extremely important to me. But yeah you guys all know that. 

Looking at this also of course reminded me of Sipic (I seriously can't call him "Toni" on this blog, it's too informal. If we're ever like friends someday after I graduate I'll call him Toni but not now). Anyway I'm wondering how he's doing this summer. I'm wondering how his research went. He's doing a kind of cost-benefit analysis with marijuana, like he's seeing if the potency of the marijuana correlates with the cost of it and will be getting information from medicinal places all over California. Lol I'm sure he's doing research on a lot of other subjects too. I've think I've written about this before.... okay changing subjects now. Work.

Work is getting better. More because I'm getting the hang of my job and can focus more on getting the task at hand. I got a credit application yesterday so I was really happy about that, I'm trying to stay off this list of people that have zero. Right now I think I've done 3. So yay! I'm getting faster at folding too. Maybe I won't quit. If I do get a second job though that'd be okay for like 8-10 hours a week. I haven't made any money this summer honestly. 

Anyway i'm gonna practice. 

peace. 

I've got this under control, But there's no guarantee

Damn, so I told you guys the other day that Terry said Economics is the best specialization competitively.. That's really sat in my mind, so I sent my stats teacher an email on it because he's actually an economics adviser to see what he thinks. He hasn't responded back so I feel like a goob, of course I reread the way that I wrote that email like 5-6 times to make sure it didn't sound weird. He's probably really busy and I can't expect some immediate response. I just feel like I've bugged him more than I've bugged any professor ever.

It's not just my competitiveness with Terry that causes me to contemplate these decisions, it was more my overall experience this quarter. If I do switch over to economics from Finance I am not going to tell Terry because it'll look weird.


So maybe I'll be doing an economics specialization with a MINOR in finance.

I'm not looking forward to my stats lab tomorrow at all so I'm going to kind of study how to do the linear regression models on excel beforehand so I don't get lost on it tomorrow. My A is looking pretty good even with that low exam score-- 20% of the final grade is going to be based on an excel assignment that we turn in. If I can get some help from Kevin P. to make sure I'm on the right track that'd be really helpful.

This is Kevin P., aka Peter Parker from me because he's saved me on a few assignments that I haven't been able to get this year. 

Not saying I'm going to ask him to practically do it for me. In fact I plan on doing an online tutorial on youtube-- how about THAT... But no seriously, Kevin is really smart and he always knows the correct way to do things. He's better at reading directions than I am.

ZZZZZZZPPPPPTTTTTTT

Lol I was taking weird pictures this morning.

Pointing is rude in a lot of cultures so obviously I didn't post this, but I figure why the Hell wouldn't I post it here it's not like anyone really reads this. Or do you, for anyone that does that's super cool-- I don't proofread much when I write these.

..Which can occasionally get me into trouble. I found an old entry and felt super humiliated because it was SUPER open... I have no idea if I was drunk or depressed or super emotional when I was writing that night but GOOD God... I would never, ever be as open with this blog as I did with that entry nowdays. And it makes me wonder what else is back there, but I don't want to look.

Old entries are like old skeletons. I want to be able to dig them up someday when I'm old and be able to indiscriminately read because I'm older and wiser than I am as I'm writing these entries. Like I can read blog entries that I wrote on myspace a long time ago and not feel too embarrassed, but if I find something from 2011 that's super bias or gives off the wrong message I contemplate deleting it because I don't want people to think that's what I represent now. 

Whatever. I'm human, this is a good outlet, I'll say whatever I want on a given day for the most part.

I feel like everyone around me is so sick of school

It's like the weather sucks so bad here in Ellensburg that everyone wants to go home where it's warmer. It's so hard to get motivation when it's rainy so I haven't been doing much of anything but sit around and study. Really these rainy days couldn't have come at a better time because I'm not tempted to go anywhere. Meh... unless it's above 70 degrees I'm pretty good with the indoors. 

Alright it's guitar time. Gotta lesson today, hell yea!!!

peace.

Typical end of the quarter overload, still feeling out of it

Yo.

I came home this weekend for a couple things: first and foremost to turn in my job application at Rite aid and second to escape. I felt really depressed waking up Saturday morning because the previous night I'd gone to a bar and felt hungover so I didn't get up until 12.  That hangover kept me from getting really anything done all day.

Well it would have been one thing if the previous night was good. I felt like that whole night I just felt uncomfortable because I was with a bunch of people I didn't know and couldn't make conversation very easily. It's funny, sometimes strangers won't phase me at all and I'll be totally friendly and other times (especially when I'm in kind of a sad mood) it's a lot harder.

I actually saw Terry at the bar and it looked like he was like.. cornering this girl. He actually saw me there but didn't talk to me at all. Granted by this time it was 1:30 or so and I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was feeling really uncomfortable in the first place and seeing Terry there was the icing on the cake.

I don't want to talk about that anymore. To be honest "feeling" is more of an inconvenience in my life than most things so I try to drown it out with studying, watching documentaries about people with messed up lives, practicing my guitar like a madman and meditating. That's my life. I want close friends that I can spend time with and open up too but finding people that I feel I can relate to is such a challenge.. That and so many girls are too wrapped up in their boyfriends to give a shit about having friends.

that's the thing that a lot of people don't realize is much harder about being a single woman than a man. Men actually know how to be friends with eachother and spend time without having crazy hangups. But of course when I hang out with a guy in a strictly friendship manner but spend a bunch of time with them they can sometimes develop crushes and then I end up losing them as friends in the long run because I have to let them down.

Ugh. I'm probably over exaggerating again. Things are going more than fine for the most part and I've really got no room to complain, it's just time for me to come home and I'm realizing that now. I'm ready for a change of environment and be around people that know who I am.


So between now and tomorrow at 9 am tomorrow I have to:
-Drive home... (which takes 90 min)
-Study econ for 90 min (online, multiple choice ?'s on 2 chapters)
-2 problems on the stats homework (I've got about 6/15 done right now. Figure I'll have two more hours to get the rest of it done between classes tomorrow)

peace.

You might have won this time. . .

Hello everyone, it's is 5:30 in the morning. 

I went to bed really early last night after kind of forcing myself to read half of my stats chapter. We're learning about confidence intervals right now and it's kind of easy to make mistakes. Lol I told myself if I get above a 3.8 in Sipic's class I'm going to ask him about his medicinal marijuana observation that he's running. Yesterday Terry asked me, "Do you like him?" I'm like YEA. like duh. ha ha, he's sooo intelligent I'm dying to know what the hell he's doing driving all over California asking about medicinal marijuana and probably getting paid to do this research. 

So my rival and I have been talking a bit lately... Terry and I BOTH did well on the stats exam but he got a 28 when I got a 27. He's so full himself right now. I told him look you better keep on top of this damn material because when that final comes around whoever gets a better score on that is the CHAMPION... 

For the 

Current scores:

Terry has 146 pts.

I have 142.

THAT EFFING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I was lazy on... If I had got 15/15, we would be tied. Ugh. 

Well anyway we'll see how well Terry did on this Econ test yesterday. To be honest neither of us thought we did well but about a quarter of the questions I got correct on the test were because he had explained the concept to me that morning. I know I've been stronger than him in Econ up to this point.. if he got a higher score on yesterday's test AND our stats test then I'll be mad

I am going to start logging how much time I study on average for each test so I can alleviate more stress that comes with sitting down and working. Sometimes when I think about sitting down and think about learning something my mind has an immediate response thinking that it's going to take an infinite amount of time... It doesn't, 5 hours is probably my average per important class per test.

...Not saying my speech class isn't important, but I honestly haven't read that book since day 1. The irony is that the exact same thing happened in my first speech class (no wonder I was getting such crappy grades in there) as well. There's just something so unnatural feeling about reading a book about giving speeches, I can't do it.

Damn, I'm kind of tired after all that writing. I'm gonna go back to bed for a half hour before I get up and shower. Morning is a great time to meditate.

___________________________________________________

10:12 am:

Yo. I got an 84 for on my econ test. Not bad, means I missed 4 questions. Terry bailed shortly after class started with another guy who was going on about how hard the test was. He pretty much just wanted to know his test grade and bailed, he's so stubborn, lol. 

I actually didn't listen to lecture today because Carbaugh was going over the test. I was reading the new chapter and annotating, got in about 45 minutes of studying so that was a plus.

I've been in a writing mood since I woke up this morning. That or talking but lately I haven't been hanging out with girls at all. Not intentionally of course, it's just harder to have consistent friendships with girls when their so wrapped up in their boyfriends and don't really feel a need to have new friends. 

peace. 

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

Efficiency, doing things my way sometimes takes forever.

Enjoy this music. A guy at the computer store was listening to this, great ambient for studying!

Today was a good day for a number of reasons, even if I can't help but be slightly saddened that my break is over. I got my computer back up and running for about $250. Spotify is working again and my computer is running faster than ever. I plan to take better care of it this time. 

My friend and I didn't talk for two days but I got a text from him today so that was nice. I thought he wasn't talking to me because the first couple times we hung out it was slightly awkward. I'm happy to have found someone that can understand me similar to what I feel Katelynn did. He is very intelligent. Filling the void emotionally from what I lost when I lost Katelynn has been something that I'm surprised has been resolved so quickly. 

I didn't end up getting my books or anything like that set up. That's a first day of classes thing, anyway. I am just going to bring my 5-subject notebook. I've been asking God to help me get more efficiency is a human being. I notice that my thought process is often stubborn and makes me do things in an order that I think would be "easiest to hardest" or the most enjoyable in comparison with what is the most efficient route. For instance, in the grocery store I make a list and find each item individually in the order of the list to get a better walk and really look around. Most people would find this incredibly silly and inconvenient. Granted I don't stick to the list perfectly OCD style, but I do take many trips around the store in circles. 

Living on my own has made me more efficient with chores because they are becoming more of a hassle. One of the last days that Katelynn and I spent together it literally took me two hours to do the dishes in my house. I'm not even joking. I was so grossed out by the accumulation of a day and a half of dishes in our house that I had to prioritize which were the dirtiest. Plus I was snacking and making MORE dishes.... Going to the store is no longer so fun for me and I just want to get my stuff and get out. I bought a few things at Fred Meyer the other night when I thought I didn't actually have school until NEXT Monday. Err.... luckily I scrolled down the facebook wall and someone had posted about it. I then texted Trent and got that confirmed. He's like "Uh duh!"

He can't criticize too harshly because I've been without the internet for a good portion of this month. My computer crashed around the 5th or so. Honestly I haven't played much more but I did pay more attention to the intricate detail of my pieces when I wasn't working with the computer screen in the background. I did use youtube on my phone, which was all I really needed to stay sane. I watched episodes of educational reality shows that have leaked onto the internet from the BBC. 

Alright, tomorrow I have a long day, better get to sleep! 

peace. 

Late night study blues. Don't even read.

Good evening all. It's getting late. I've pumped my brain with some caffiene at 9:00 so I know I could stick it out for another couple of hours and still be just fine in class tomorrow without wearing myself out.

I shouldn't be worried about wearing myself out anyway, tomorrow's Friday and there isn't even a finite midterm exam. That's going to be next Thursday. For our last chapter we've been working on very introductory statistics. Note to self: (Note to any of my readers, skip this useless crap)

We're using median, range and mean in a set of values. With these values we can find the Z score and standard deviations from the mean the point is located. There is a formula to get the variance which you take the square root of to get the Standard deviation of a sample. The formula is Sum of X squared (so add together all X values after squaring them)-(Sum of X*Sum of X (or sum of X squared)/n) (number in sample i.e. "10 consecutive nights) ALL divided by n-1. So number in the sample-1. If the values in a set of data is mound-shaped, 68% of values in the data set are between X bar- S (sample mean-1 standard deviation) and x bar+1. 
Empirical rule: Approximately 95% of the values between X bar - 2 S (sample mean and 2 standard deviations from the mean). Virtually all data is between 3 standard deviations of the mean. This has to do with Chebyshev's Theorem. This rule provides a quick way to approximate a standard deviation. Because all data is within 3 standard deviations on either side of the mound shape, or within 3 standard deviations of the mean, the span of the range between the largest and smallest point should be about six standard deviations from the mean. Take the largest value minus the smallest value, but then you must figure out what to divide by. In the last case we would use six because there's 6 standard deviations, but this only works with sample sizes over 200 for some reason. So n >/ 200, Range/6= Range Approximation for S. 50</n</199=Range/5. 16</n</49=Range/4, N</15=Range/sqrRt N. This is to get the value S, which is the sample standard deviation. When you are just given a set of values you can still find the variance which can then be converted to the standard deviation by using the formula Sum x^2 (add together all X values after squaring them)-(Sum of X*Sum of X/n))/n-1 N being the number in the sample given. You can get percentages for probability frequency by dividing the total in the sample that correspond to each value divided by the total number of values (typically given in problem. i.e. 52 sizes of jerseys total and your looking at the set of values for 15 of them selected randomly)

And THAT... is what I've learned over the past few days of studying this stuff. I'm still two days behind. Luckily, because there's no "midterm" tomorrow I've got some time to get caught up. The test tomorrow should just be over what I just described to you, and nothing in later sections that he's gone over the past few days but have me completely lost. I can't skip econ tomorrow like I have the past couple fridays. I've got a quiz tomorrow.

I'm also lucky that the quiz is on chapter 10. Here it is 11:16 and if I get in a solid hour on this, make up some flash cards to take with me in the morning and sneak them in English.. I should be golden. I should also exercise tonight. I feel like I've been so stressed out lately that I've been eating more. Food just tastes good to me lately, and the last time I went grocery shopping I got a sufficient amount of delicious munchies that have me going through my cabinets more frequently.

I'd like to keep this picture for later. I posted it to facebook today as well. Look at that, all the guitar shapes. I intend to own at least one of all of them someday, is that wild? He he he. What guitarist does not fantasize about having an extraordinary collection? 

I also had to revise and write up a works cited page for first English arguement paper. I think it's pretty good. I didn't really utilize the articles as much as I stated my personal opinions on the matter based on common knowledge.. which I hope she won't mark me off for. Really the only thing I used the articles for was for the studies.

I've been working very hard today to have the ability to see Abe tomorrow and be able to relax with him for awhile, as well as go to a bonfire I got invited too. I also intend to practice my guitar, of course. Jake gave me this sick new song tonight. It sounds so cool, guys, it's going to be a challenge. 

This is the song, 

J.S. Bach Invention No. 8 in F Major

 Apparently this is "Neo-classical"

So I've still got this economics to study. I don't want to do it. At 12:30 I'm going to bed whether I feel like it or not cause if I stay up later than that my whole day will be groggy tomorrow.

peace. 

Look I'm Becky Katsopolis, hahaha

Check out my 90's Full House look today. 

Just kidding. I actually didn't intend to style my hair this way. Surprise surprise! It's actually due to barely straightening it this morning, then pulling my bangs out of my eyes continually while I work on homework.

All day I've been munching out. I'm planning on working out tonight because of it. Like literally there's no excuse for all the crap I ate. Belgian waffles, steak, mashed potatos, teddy grahams, cereal, a freaking bacon sandwich this morning... I don't eat as little as I might look. I try to eat as healthy as I can, but when I go grocery shopping and there's lots of accessible food a few steps away from my bedroom it's almost hard to resist. Right now I'm drinking a protein shake. It's been about four hours since I ate dinner and had a big sugar spike when I had those Belgian waffles for dessert. Those were a whopping 400 calories, not to mention the fact that I put peanut butter on top. I've unintentionally had a TON of protein today, I'm pumped to work out and burn some of this off once I finish this entry.

Uh let's see. Today was Monday. We're down to the last two weeks of classes, not counting finals week. That makes me giddy, I'm always excited for the quarter to be over. I feel like 4 more weeks of this I wouln't be able to maintain the grades I have. Or maybe I would... I would just be very, very burnt out to the point of no return. I love the quarter system.

I got an 8 on my finite math quiz. I'm very happy about this because I thought I'd done poorly. I think he might have cut me some slack because I came to his office and got help. That or the rest of the class did more poorly than I thought and mine was significantly better for getting the probability distributions what so ever. I was having an off day, too. The girl that sits next to me that's also one of the top students in class has been pretty entertaining to chit chat with every so often. She's very quiet but I can tell she gets sarcasm so I can joke around with her and not feel like she thinks I'm weird. 

I talked to Jessie briefly today when I mentioned how long until our next test in Econ. It's so weird, we don't talk at all anymore. I don't care, she's so normal, she's boring to me. 

I texted Abe last night after he didn't respond to one of my texts like, what is this? If you don't want to talk to me anymore just tell me. Something along those lines. He told me he's just not very proactive about checking or writing text messages. I'm not going to lie and say this hasn't been frustrating for me over the past two weeks because we practically never text anymore. We would only text a few messages back and forth in the past but now unless I instigate it we do not text. That is annoying. 

I think he got the memo though that it bothers me. He still wants to spend time together. When and if that will actually happen here in the next week or so I have no clue. 

Alrighty then, time to work out.

peace.

Strange sense of relaxation.

Today's been so relaxed. Probably the most I've been in months. I'm thrilled to be back in my room here at Central to be honest with you guys. Brendan told me this evening I seemed more relaxed. He got home tonight and came over at like 8'. I made us delicious yakisoba.

I know, this is a professional photo and mine probably wasn't nearly as pretty but I suppose mine looked comparable to this. I used this really tender steak I bought at the store today, thinly sliced carrots, fresh bean sprouts, 1/4 cup onions, and those delicious "Asian blend" vegetables from Fred meyer. I need to get more of that, I'm all out. I like to put it on rice too. 

Anyway, Brendan brought over some salad that went super well with the dish. I'd also cooked some so-called oven baked "orange chicken" but the sauce tasted outright bizarre. It was okay though, the chicken was crispy at least. That felt like a nice way to start out this quarter. 

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. I don't have English so I at least won't have to be at my first class at 8'. My first class is economics at 9, which is going to mean walking all the way to Shaw. Good thing I just remembered to plug in my Zune, I would not want to walk that far without music and my spotify isn't working on my phone because apparently the micro SD card is broken. I need to replace it quickly, I'm wondering if I can purchase one at Fred Meyer or will I need to go to a Sprint store..

But yeah, I'm quite happy to be back and have this much privacy again. It's like I'm back in Emily world instead of the world that's wrapped around my family and friends when I'm at home. Not saying I don't like being at home, I'm sure you know what I mean.

So I accomplished my goal of posting a new guitar video on New Years! I know this classical so it probably won't get many views but I don't care. This song was a whole new challenge for me and I'm stoked having perfected it to upload quality. Next I would like to do Wherever I May Roam but I have not practiced it much  with the recording. That will be my new focus this upcoming week. I seem to start many songs but have a hard time finishing them. 

I just keep reminding myself that I'm still technically in my first year. I like to think of my mentality in my first couple years of playing the trumpet-- it's very similar to how I feel now in certain ways, like my overall ability to play comfortably. By my fourth year of playing the trumpet I felt so comfortable and I would like to achieve that on the guitar but it'll all just come with time and hard work.

peace. 

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.

This new Coheed CD. My sloppy review, hosting and more.

Wow turns out I really love hosting!! : ) 

This got 21 likes on facebook, I feel loved. Making Kickin' Chicken for Reina and I.

This morning I got up with the full intention of buying a brand new office chair. This one in my room has become one of the bigger frustrations of my life. Trust me, that's a good thing though because I'm not dealing with the previous health problems that I encountered when I first moved here. I've been eating healthy now, three meals a day, filling up on fruits and veggies, etc etc.. I've been feeling more confident in my classes as well. My studying for my legal class is paying off, today I pounded four hours (in increments! mind you I did do other stuff today...) of multiple choice midterm review. 

I had lunch with my friend Reina today! Friday is our day that we like to hang out. She had her midterms this week, and her speaking one was "so-so" but the rest were very easy. I'm excited for her living here in the US because she's doing a lot of cool stuff, like she's got a lot of Japanese friends and their always really making the most of their time here. I think it's admirable.

I'm making the most of my time here too, I'm hanging out with friends around here almost every day now at one point or another. People just stop in and we'll hang out, drink tea, play guitar, whatever! I'd much, much rather hang out with a small group of people or one other person and have a more intimate conversation then be in a huge group of people with tons of yelling over eachother going on. It's not really my style, I'd rather just hang out and talk and really get to know a person. 

So did I tell you guys that I met Casey a couple days ago? I can't remember. Casey lives downstairs from me, and he's been walking around Central with these cardboard signs directing attention his way. This is... VERY mainstream for Western or any other liberal college but at Central he really stands out. I didn't figure I'd be hanging out with him anytime soon until he posted a status saying it was ridiculous that we hadn't because he was just a few seconds down from us so I figured what the hell, come on over! Ha ha. 

Anyway, freaking.. Nice guy! He's a really good person, we hung out in my room and watched netflix for a bit and he plays guitar as well so there was a little jam session there as well, it was really fun. 

I'm always listening to Opeth lately. It's been satisfying me for some reason, I've needed some calm instrumentals to accompany studying for hours on end. But as you guys can see, I'm making strides to balance my study time with eating well, hanging out with friends, occasional pilates, guitar (duh).... And Jed. 

I don't really know how long Jed will be around though so I have to kind of let that sort of play out slowly. I really don't want him to feel pressured in any sort of way like Jason was and cut things off. I was okay with Jason and I cutting off though because Jason and I weren't really clicking. I had immediate doubts about Jason from the get go that I was trying to look past. 

It's not the same way with Jed at all though. Like I haven't had one doubt about him yet, his personality is awesome. He's really laid back, but surprisingly childish acting considering he's an engineering major. Like I figured he'd be sort of rigid and strict like Jason was (also an engineering major... They're usually "math guys," hahaha, you know what I mean?) but he's not at all...

Oi, yeah, so I'd rather not unintentionally make him feel like I'm pressuring him in any way. I'm not, I don't want him to rush into some relationship with me, I just want to be able to spend time with him and not have to worry about it. Like I don't want him to think that I am pushing him what so ever. 

Ha ha, he watches Vampire diaries. Isn't that ridiculous? Rich gay people and middle aged women watch that. 

Ha ha ha ha.... okay, nevermind, that's not that funny. Lots of people watch shows like that. I'm a weirdo who watches North Korean propaganda films for hours on end while I practice. I have absolutely no room to talk.  

Wow, it's almost three am. I took a really long nap today and it's getting to the point that even if I had a big dinner I'm hungry again. Shit, better make myself a roast beef sandwich.

You know any time that I make a sandwich for myself extremely late at night I think of that 600 pound woman Donna Sellers that would always make a stop at the kitchen to make herself sandwiches at night and most "normal" people don't do that. Something silly like that. I don't really think of it as abnormal. It's 3 am, I'm hungry, I'm going to eat a sandwich. I slept for a few hours during the day so I'm not going to be completely depriving myself of sleep when I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow morning I might sleep in until 9 or 10, then get up and running like usual. 

I really don't understand the new Coheed and Cambria CD. It's taken a little while to get accustomed to it. It seems like they're really going back to their progressive roots like In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth. I'm enjoying it a little. Once you get into prog metal sometimes more mainstream music sounds a bit too... "sing-y." I'm not saying Coheed doesn't define progressive in and of itself... but some of this music is really strange. Like you can't figure out what exactly the chorus is. It just sounds like verses and verses and verses telling some story... I don't know, it's really not my favorite by Coheed. 

Actually I would dare to say I find this album almost annoying. I haven't found a particular song that I like on it. Mothers of Men is pretty good I suppose... I just feel like this album was forced, like the fanbase was pressuring them so hard to come out with a new album that they didn't know what to do from there. Their last album, Year of the Black Rainbow, concluded this musical journey that will be legend in the progressive rock library for decades to come. 

But now that they are legends they are forced to respond to an incredible amount of pressure from their growing fanbase to create new material. So they create this album, "The Aftermath," which if it is as straight forward as it seems, is just branching off the old story. 

"Goodnight, Fair Lady" is actually the most popular song right now, it sounds so much like a different song by them but I can't pinpoint it. Vic the Butcher is pretty good, reminds me a little of My Chemical Romance though, really pissed-off teenager-y. YEAH LETS BURN IT DOWN! Ha ha. It's sort of fun though, listenable. I'll even put it on my favorite rock list... See if I like it more after I let it sink in after a couple listens.

Evagria the Faithful... Long intro. Yes, this extremely progressive. This song is actually okay, this might be my favorite song so far on this album even if it's the least popular thus far on Spotify. I think that's just how it is with last tracks of albums though, they don't get listened too. Most people get sick of an artist by the 11th song. It's still popular though, the whole album is of course because it's Coheed! All of their music is consistent high quality, I mean I've been listening to these albums for years. 

Just, yeah, I probably shouldn't tell Katelynn the extent that I dislike this album and how much I've tried to get adjusted enough to enjoy it these past few weeks.

peace.