Why are pretty girls so damn difficult

Well tonight sucked.

Friday night. Would I have liked to go out tonight? Yes. But I have no vehicle and though a couple guys asked me out to go drinking I declined. I really just want a girl to go out and have fun with. I texted Allie Thanksgiving weekend and she didn't reply, nor did she the previous times I'd tried. She has no facebook so that's it I guess.

Same thing with her friend Kala. I tried texting her and got no response... I'm sad to say I haven't seen either of them since halloween, November was a really boring month. I just feel like getting ahold of people around Ellensburg has become increasingly difficult for me.. like I'll text people and won't get responses, mainly girls. 

So of course this makes me feel like shit as a person because it's like well what the Hell did I do when in actuality it could be any number of things, such as jealously, orrrr thinking I take myself too seriously, or their lives are too involved with their boyfriends to have any want/need to spend time with other girls. Or most of the their friends that are girls have been their BFFs for a long time.


I've been stuck in this social limbo.... Guys flirt with me a lot so I do get that kind of attention in my day-to-day life and on facebook but hanging out with them is a touchy situation because they think you're interested in them romantically. And even if they know that you aren't they will still try. And I'm flattered by that but I hate feeling like I'm rejecting someone's emotions toward me.. So I feel like that's been the majority of my social life here. Guys that hit me up, I hang out with them once or twice, then they realize I'm not interested that way and/or won't put out and will move on. Very few lasting friendships because they feel hurt by me.


So over the past month or so I really have put some effort meeting and talking to girls.. Like I met that girl Audrey that I thought seemed really cool and tried to meet up with her which didn't work out and haven't been able to get in touch with her since.

That being said I'm going to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.. and try to get some work done, though one thing's for certain I have to get out of this apartment. I spent way too much time studying here and I really thought I'd be going out tonight and I'm feeling creepy....


 Everything else that's actually important is going fine. I got an 85 on my econ test which raised my cumulative grade in the class to a 77 so that's a plus. Guitar solo is going really well and it's almost recital ready.

And I might be getting this beautiful guitar from my friend Michael E. for Christmas! Ahhh! 

peace. 

Let's just be honest here.

Being back in your hometown with family is great for a little while but I'm really happy to be back in my own place in Ellensburg.

The ride here was scary as hell, there was heavy wind and rain the entire drive.. I found myself going 55-60 mph on average which made the drive pretty long. Luckily my brain felt super wired. Having decided to not gone out last night, I feel really rejuvenated when I got up today, even if I did sleep in quite a bit so I wasn't able to make time to practice like I'd planned. I spent most of the time before I left trying to locate and pack all of my stuff.

This weekend I did hang out a lot in my Mom's craft room (where my bedroom was originally located...) because being downstairs is never motivating to me and the living room is too noisy. Anyway I used some of my mom's clay to make this. I love how it turned out, honestly. Clay is an addictive and relaxing but TIME CONSUMING and expensive because as you get more ideas you  need more supplies. 

I'm hoping my mom eventually acquires such an abundance of the FIMO stuff (as my family tends to do, my Dad will end up finding a bag of them at a yardsale or a Goodwill) so I can jack some from her and it wouldn't be noticeable. My mom is on a roll with her projects though, and they look awesome!

Friday night I went to Jack Didley's with Sheridan who I hadn't seen in a pretty long time. The club was having an 18+ night with an open bar if you had ID. Sheridan and I had figured I'd be able to give her a couple swigs of mine when the bar tenders weren't looking but I'd underestimated the security measures preventing this. There was a fence up around the bar with a guy at the entry checking wrist bands. If Sheridan wanted a drink of a beer it'd have to be through a fence hole. She did try to get me to do it though, I was like "Yeah I don't want to get kicked out..." 

The place was slow last night.. so slow that it was around 11:20 pm and it still wasn't packed enough that people were dancing. My friend Jeremy had texted me asking to come out to Joker's because his cousin was DJing and he said it's a lot better but my friend wouldn't have been able to get in because it was 21 and over only. Next time I go back to the tri cities and want to shake my ass I'm going there instead. 

Anyway, regardless of the fact that not many people were around Sheridan did see a couple guys she knew that we ended up leaving with pretty shortly after to go to a party in Richland that she'd been hearing about. We drove back to Richland and this Mexican looking dude in a bandana walked out to our car and told us that the party just got shut down. We were right in this guy Colt's neighborhood so we went to their house. 

Neither of these guys drank or smoked or anything... At this point I had my fair share, having drank 3 coors lights that were on specials and a corona a guy bought me. It ended up being a fun night. Colton's 21, pretty tall and handsome enough, and works construction in Naches which is actually only about 20 minutes away from here. I doubt I'll see or hear from him again. But yeah I guess you can say I did do some partying this weekend as intended. Hanging out with Sheridan was pretty random but fun and I got a chance to see Mikey and Violet's new house. 

Violet made me a homemade McMuffin type sandwich yesterday morning. It was delicious and she's a great host. 

peace. 

Babysteps getting me through.

Hello everyone.

Let's see it's 10:40 pm, I've studied a total of 4 hours, 40 minutes today on a single subject. My goal is 7. Why seven? Today when I was studying in the hallway I heard one of Ghosh's students come out of a test they had today. He said to this other girl sitting there cramming, "I studied for like 7 hours and I still don't know if I'm ready..." Taking all my time combined this previous weekend I've spent 6 hours but I felt like most of it was playing catch up to where I should have been had I been keeping up with the material and my mind not in the clouds on prozac.

I didn't talk to Terry at all in Money and Banking and I noticed him kind of lingering after class and I thought he might ask if I wanted to study. I looked at him then shifted my glance and he asked Kevin P. I felt sort of this silent understanding that neither of us benefit much from studying together. It doesn't help either of us because Terry usually just tries to coattail onto what I'm doing and when I'm not 100% on the material I usually get too distracted by Terry's looks to think clearly.

Granted I still like sitting my Terry... being next to him always sort of gives me that "teenage crush" feeling even if I know it's not going anywhere. I have noticed this other guy in my econ class named Sam who I think is kind of cute though. He's blonde, nice build, seems really intelligent, doesn't have a facebook and once inquired about my tattoo... I sort of built up the courage to make small talk with him upon leaving today. We made small talk about the tests and I probably sounded like a paranoid goober as always.

So I totally missed the boat on halloween this year! 

(well I'll still get trick or treaters.... hopefully)

I mean I'll still be giving out candy on halloween and what not but everyone got wasted in costumes this last weekend. I missed my chance again!! Graaaaahhhhh!!! But for a good reason.. I know if I didn't rest and get work done this weekend I would have been freaking out right now. 

I do plan to wear my blue wig to Money and Banking on Thursday though, that will be really hilarious. I'm just planning on walking in like it's nothing. I also bought some blue tights. Maybe I'll wear my wig with black shirt, the blue tights with my black skirt... would that be too much for class? Probably. I'll have decided on that by Thursday morning I'm sure.

God I have been NEGLECTING reading my public finance book... Luckily the stuff that Sipic has talked about this past week or so has been really straight forward. I never feel lost during his lectures like I do during managerial.. I hate that feeling so much. I've planning on doing all of my homework for that class Wednesday night... Then I've got probably three hours of studying AFTER my big Managerial test to study for a money and banking quiz on Tuesday.

So yeah really all I've been doing is working today. Work, smoke, sometimes a little guitar, work, eat.... Last night I got invited to my friend Tyler H.'s house to enjoy some drops and watch South Park. His roommate was really cool too and their place was super pretty and clean on the inside... No offense to Tyler but I didn't know what to expect-- he's kind of... earthy I guess. 

Lol I don't tell him this but he also kind of reminds me of a hobbit... He's just really happy with his life, simple things, loves the outdoors... 

Happy he's my friend. I hope I get to hang out with him again soon. Little kickbacks like that are very much preferred to me than going and drinking with a bunch of loud people. 

Alright guess that's all I had to say, people. Wish me luck tomorrow... Having done over 4 hours I'm definitely feeling more confident than I did yesterday but I still have a ton of technical problems/applied problems to do before I'm ready.

 I'm planning to try another couple hours tonight... I know that the marginal utility of my studying diminishes the more hours I do so I don't know what good it'll do me but any work I do tonight will save me work I have to do after Money and Banking tomorrow.

peace. 

Let me hear you scream.

Took out some pretty intense emotions today.

Was it a mistake I will later regret? No, because I have a right to freedom of speech and can post whatever I want on my facebook. The information that I posted was from evidence that I had heard all over town-- not just at home, and put together clues to come up with a conclusion of the motives of why  this happened. The opinions expressed were done by me alone, no names were used and there is therefore no jurisdiction for "slander." Therefore, I am content with opening a can of worms today and expressing what had happened even if my Mom got pretty angry when she heard that I did....

I've just been so angry about this situation this summer, it's put a huge amount of stress on all of our shoulders.

Heard this in the car today and wrote lyrics "I'm not sick but I'm not well" on my arm to remember to look up the song. I do this a lot lately because when I'm living in the tri cities I spend a lot of time driving around listening to 97 rock.

Guitar lessons went well today. Jake gave me another copy of AX7 etude which sounds incredible when it's done so I'm really inspired to get started on it. He gave it to me once about 6 months ago when I was nowhere near able to take a solid whack at this. After learning Invention I feel more confident in my ability to learn complex riffs.

DELUXE cat condo. 

Now that I'm off work and spent half my savings in the past week for misc. stuff that I've needed to buy for awhile. Like I bought Miranda's cat harness today and retractable leash. Miranda allowed me to put the harness on her and didn't seem too bothered by it-- maybe slightly disoriented like when you put a shirt on the cat and they fall on the floor. I think there's a good chance she'll get used to it. My mom is building a small cat condo for the living room. I'd like to someday buy a tall one. For some reason they remind me of Katharine's house growing up and make me happy.

Lots of practicing tomorrow.

peace. 

Typical end of the quarter overload, still feeling out of it

Yo.

I came home this weekend for a couple things: first and foremost to turn in my job application at Rite aid and second to escape. I felt really depressed waking up Saturday morning because the previous night I'd gone to a bar and felt hungover so I didn't get up until 12.  That hangover kept me from getting really anything done all day.

Well it would have been one thing if the previous night was good. I felt like that whole night I just felt uncomfortable because I was with a bunch of people I didn't know and couldn't make conversation very easily. It's funny, sometimes strangers won't phase me at all and I'll be totally friendly and other times (especially when I'm in kind of a sad mood) it's a lot harder.

I actually saw Terry at the bar and it looked like he was like.. cornering this girl. He actually saw me there but didn't talk to me at all. Granted by this time it was 1:30 or so and I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was feeling really uncomfortable in the first place and seeing Terry there was the icing on the cake.

I don't want to talk about that anymore. To be honest "feeling" is more of an inconvenience in my life than most things so I try to drown it out with studying, watching documentaries about people with messed up lives, practicing my guitar like a madman and meditating. That's my life. I want close friends that I can spend time with and open up too but finding people that I feel I can relate to is such a challenge.. That and so many girls are too wrapped up in their boyfriends to give a shit about having friends.

that's the thing that a lot of people don't realize is much harder about being a single woman than a man. Men actually know how to be friends with eachother and spend time without having crazy hangups. But of course when I hang out with a guy in a strictly friendship manner but spend a bunch of time with them they can sometimes develop crushes and then I end up losing them as friends in the long run because I have to let them down.

Ugh. I'm probably over exaggerating again. Things are going more than fine for the most part and I've really got no room to complain, it's just time for me to come home and I'm realizing that now. I'm ready for a change of environment and be around people that know who I am.


So between now and tomorrow at 9 am tomorrow I have to:
-Drive home... (which takes 90 min)
-Study econ for 90 min (online, multiple choice ?'s on 2 chapters)
-2 problems on the stats homework (I've got about 6/15 done right now. Figure I'll have two more hours to get the rest of it done between classes tomorrow)

peace.

Prissy prissy princess.

Well I had a fun weekend.

I went home yesterday evening to see my sister off to her last homecoming, visit with my parents, see Katelynn and more than anything just get my bearings after this hard week of poor health.

Here's Avery and Jimmy. Avery got homecoming princess. She went with Denae, Denae's boyfriend, Cora M., some cute date that Cora brought, and Denae's little sister. They took pictures out in the yard and I made sure to make a quick appearance and get a snapspot with Avery and Denae. I was just goofing around, holding a thumbs up in the picture and Avery is like, "Shut up... Shut up.." under her breath. Wow! Thanks for taking the air out of everything when I was just trying to have a good time! 

That's so typical of my sister though. Anytime I try to have fun she always acts like I'm acting out of line. No Avery, I'm not acting out of line, you're acting like a snob. Anytime I'd say anything she'd either ignore me or act like I was destroying her evening. 

I don't really care anymore about that, I'm happy my sister got her crown, woop dee doo. I think they're pretty happy homecoming is over, they had a pretty long cheerleading season from what my mom has told me. Katelynn and I had a pretty good time watching from an outside perspective. The dates always look so uncomfortable in their formal clothes, it's cute. I know the feeling though, I always felt super uncomfortable getting all dolled up and would usually rip off the formal garb the second I'd get home...


My Dad took me to Shari's this morning because he needed a ride to work to pick up a company car. He's going to Olympia for the next couple weeks. The visit with Dad went really well, I made him laugh really hard when I told him about my plans to get a cop car if my stratus poops out. He's been really generous with money lately, he's always helped me out when we see eachother because he wants money to be the last thing I'm stressed about... He knows how stressful these classes have been for me, too.

Yawn, I'm getting so tired... This next week should be interesting. No word from Jed all day today, who knows maybe last night is the last time I'll hear from him.

peace.