F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

I've returned from a blogging hiatus. Last horror story from 2014.

Every so often I do this, where blogging at some point feels like a chore and doesn't feel like a privilege to me again until I've taken some time away from it. A month and 10 days was very sufficient for me.

I've had some interesting challenges the last month. First of all my accounting final of course. I studied for hours and hours days ahead of time for that thing. I really busted ass to make sure my bases were covered and I was adequately prepared for the test. Had I gone in at the right time I'm sure I would have pulled a B on that test which would have bumped my grade above a C+. But my Dad pretty much sabotaged me.

The day of the final I'd spent all morning preparing but I still wanted more time to study in the car. Ironically I'd actually asked one of my best friend's Dad, Brian, to drive me because I knew he'd be super reliable. I also asked another best friend, Brad. Both of them agreed. You see I'd been studying *ALL* night the previous night, which to some seems crazy, but I was so determined to do well on that test my adrenaline wouldn't have allowed me to sleep.

Oh but low-and-behold, that night actually offered to give me a ride and felt insulted that I'd ask other people... I agreed.

We left the house in his stupid new Hyundai at 4 pm people, my test wasn't until 8 pm. I spent literally every second in that car with my earplugs in studying, or dealing with my Dad lecturing me or screaming at me for God knows what reason. Just existing more or less. He offered to get us dinner and I told him we could get something quick at Shari's in Yakima which might help me relax.

My phone had been off for about a week. By this time I'd just let it die. My Dad's car's time was wrong because he'd just bought it and insisted we had "plenty" of time. I had no phone to double check. Of course after dinner we had to go to fucking Value village and he was in there for more than an hour looking at bullshit garbage like always. He's always gotta have his agenda and my final was the last thing on his mind right then.

We didn't pull into the Ellensburg exit until about a quarter til. I was struggling to direct my Dad to this building where I'd never had a class before but had the two exams for this class. We ended up pretty much circling the building before I just gave up and had him drive us through the Surc parking lot and toward Bouillon until I found it. Of course in the meantime he's screaming. And I mean just yelling in my ear about how much of a stupid sack of crap I am for not having a sense of direction and how all of my problems would be completely preventable if I would just "get my head out of my ass because you're just like your mother." My mom has more talent, heart and stability than he'll ever have.

So there I was, in the car at 8:05 pm. I was scrambling my things together and trying to get my composure together. When I went into the building the door leading to the testing room I needed to be in was LOCKED. The professor had probably opened it to the students at 7:55 pm and went back to his desk to distribute the tests. So there I was frantically running around the building trying to get someone to open the door for me to get to the classroom because my Dad had to get me there on the MINUTE.

You can imagine how much regret I was feeling in my heart at this point. In my mind among the panic of trying to find ANYONE in that empty building to get me to the classroom all these thoughts were going through my head:  How could I be so stupid as to let my idiot father who has no regard for other people's time schedules take me to this test? Why did I not just get a ride with Brad? Will I even make it into this test?

I wasted 40 minutes of the two hours of testing time double checking to see that the room number hadn't changed and finally found a professor in her office that showed me how to get through this weird back staircase that led to a little back corridor where the rooms where (wtf is this, Hogwarts?). After all that studying to run into the test 40 minutes late and not even have the significant time to set up the accounting models was the biggest slap in the face, terrible thing that'd happened to me since college started. I felt absolutely robbed.

Of course I didn't finish the test. I pulled a C+ on it ironically and it didn't harm my grade at least. But that was after having to deal with the panic and anger for the following days wondering how I did and the complete mental breakdown I had that night.

The drive home was almost dead silent. Initially when I got in the car I cried and yelled at him for getting me there so late but he immediately turned it on me saying if I knew where the hell I was going this wouldn't be an issue. Seeing my sadness and feeling uncomfortable had it been his fault he immediately started popping off reasons this was my fault. Feeling like complete garbage I just agreed, yelling things along the lines of "Fuck  I'm so stupid and worthless I deserve to die!!" and "What is my fucking problem, this is all my fault!! I'm such a loser!!" and screaming, moaning in agony. Finally this made my Dad stop blaming me and start to feel bad himself and pretty much begged me to stop crying. I did, holding in my anger or any conversation with him until we got home.

But I couldn't withhold my anger when I got in the door and saw my mom sitting at the computer. I immediately started explaining in anger and disdain what I'd just witnessed. In shock and horror I told her how I didn't know how after pretty much having to push my Dad out the door at 4 pm that he wasn't able to get least get me there by 7:30. I felt like shit about my grades, my internship that I plan to apply for, and my academic career in general. Telling you this story right now is bringing up a lot of those emotions.

Since then things have for the most part gone back to normal, being Christmas break and all that... pretty stress free rest of the month. It wasn't hard for me to forgive my Dad because I knew this was just his typical bullshit inability to see outside the box and I really shouldn't have trusted him to get me there in the first place. It's a lesson learned. I feel endangered when I'm in the car with him anywhere because he drives like a lunatic and goes 80 mph everywhere. Never again.

So my Dad can't blame me for not getting an accounting major. He might've been the one to try to push me into it and I originally thought it was a great idea until you sabotaged it by pushing me into that situation. I'm just fine with my economics degree with a business minor. I'll also put "with working accounting background using Excel" or something like that if anyone asks. That cost accounting class did teach me a lot. It wasn't a complete waste.

Now I've got to focus on applying to this internship at PNNL. I should probably do that tomorrow because the moving chaos starts. I'm moving out on the 4th-- Sunday, then have a doctor's appointment to come back for on Monday when I'll pick up Marshall. Classes start on Tuesday.

These past couple weeks I had a lot of nightmares about not being prepared for school, most of which taking place in classrooms where I'm not prepared for presentations or tests  or I'm at some weird desolate apartment building somewhere feeling very lonely.

But these past couple days as I was very proactive about searching for a place to live with a nice roommate (I believe I found one!) and packing away some of my extra stuff these nightmares have gone away. I mean I've still got a lot on my mind. Like obviously about 3 nights a week for the past few months I've spent with Travis so not having that person there is going to kind of suck. Luckily I've got Marshall and hopefully will get in contact with a Dad's friend of mine to work back home on the weekends. We'll see. 

So here's to a fresh start and a new quarter. These are my last six months at Central. It's time to experience a more clean, productive, social college experience because this could very well be my last change. I've got friends there that are already looking forward to seeing me like Gabby and Allie, and I'm really looking forward to meeting my new roommate. She looks like someone who enjoys art, anime and/or Japanese language/culture-- if not all 3. 

Alright that'll be it for tonight folks. See ya. 

No seriously, I'll be back. 

peace. 

Creating moderation for *myself* for once...

Cutting back on something that you think keeps you happy (and motivated to do things) can be a difficult process; a process that I started yesterday in order to get a better handle on my life.

I feel like my weed consumption hit a plateau recently... I mean the combination of not working, feeling stressed about my accounting class, arguments with my family, etc.. sort of drove me to looking for ways to escape depression but I'm almost certain now it was making it worse. I felt like my thought clarity wasn't as good as it could be which gave me this insatiable feeling that I could be doing so much better and probably feel more successful if I'd just cut this crap out.

I did get in a big argument with my parents the other day that made me feel extremely sad and worthless-- feelings that I continually bring about myself, again probably subconsciously dealing with the fact that I'm addicted to something and feel unable to stop it regardless of consequences that could potentially ensue if I continued this road.

I've just gotten lazy... My car and room is almost always a mess because I'm so focused on trying to accomplish large projects that I will allow myself to spend hours and hours doing because it's comfortable. Sitting around playing guitar and doing art is what I do for fun. I smoke marijuana and it enhances my creativity and focus on my artwork and guitar playing-- to some extent.. The last year I'm sure it's actually zapped a lot of my inspiration to play in the first place because I've been doing it too much.

Back in 2012, I remember practicing guitar for 3 hours a day, still managed to get good grades and had a job at Rite Aid. I remember smoking maybe 4-5 bowls a day and it seemed to be the perfect equilibrium of using it to my advantage but still having the clarity to do well in school and at work.

That is the level of smoking that I'm at right now and plan to stay which is a huge improvement from where I was before. I tried essentially quit cold turkey yesterday (going from my regular smoking once about every hour regularly to only smoking twice in one day) and was a complete bitch to everyone and I was fucking miserable, not gonna lie.

BUT ALAS...

When I was studying my accounting book yesterday I noticed a huge difference in clarity. Today I was able to finish my homework in three hours instead of the regular alllllll day ordeal. When I'm sober it's easier to remember basic mathematics formulas used in accounting...

This quarter is coming down to the wire. My final is around the 30th, there's only 3 more chapters in my book and I've still got time to really study and knip this shit in the butt and pull a solid B in that class. It's just a matter of doing the hard work and keeping in the right state of mind. And that goes for the rest of my time in college.

I mean I've only got two quarters left and I'm coming to serious crossroads and decisions in my life. Do I really want to remember my entire college experience at Central as being stoned? Because honestly I feel like the combination of stress/anxiety that came with my classes and having the freedom to do whatever I want allowed me to bury my head in the sand and let it become a more and more frequent habit where whatever I wanted to do in my mind it'd be better if I was stoned..... when ironically I'm sure it what was causing a lot of the anxiety and depression in the first place.


Yeah that's really all I've got to say. I know it might come to a surprise that I would talk so openly about this problem but what better time than when I'm no longer in denial of it and am willing to make the changes?

peace.

Coke in a vitamin pill

Evening. It's 11:38 pm. 

I've been trying to diet and exercise more efficiently by avoiding night eating and originally had a plan to not eat after working out but low-and-behold I caved. On something healthy though, a bowl of Crispex with the other half of a banana from earlier. My mom made breakfast burritos for dinner with real chorizo spicy sausage that were fabulous and carried me through the second half of my 3 hour study session today. 

I have my first midterm in accounting coming up on the 30th. It covers a really wide range of chapters-- 1 through 8, and I've been reading each chapter a second time (some third) time around and just hope for more clarity which has been helping a lot. Reading a chapter without the pressure of a time constraint has been very helpful because the stress of *having* to stay awake to finish the assignment by a certain time is the WORST time to be reading.

So yeah, studied quite a bit today after getting home from staying at Travis's for two nights. Originally I hadn't anticipated being gone that long but the accounting assignment that I thought would just take me a few hours took me the entire day-- from around 1:30 pm to 9 pm when it closed. Of course I'd be lying if I told you that entire time was spent working. Travis and I talk just to give my brain a break from it which is nice because he makes me laugh and takes some of the pressure off. 

Lol so this afternoon Travis and I stopped at the Wal Mart pharmacy on our way back to my house to get a few things. I bought Bronkaid as well as something I'd remembered seeing on TV that stuck in my head. In these Nature's Way "Alive!" vitamin commercials you see these women feeling great with all this energy so when I'd remembered this when the pharmacist was logging in my information I'm like "Oh!! I have to get some of those crazy vitamin pills! Hang on Travis hold my spot.." (Because we'd been waiting in line for at least 15 minutes and had a huge line behind us...) 

I almost didn't find them. When I did I was overjoyed and kind of slammed them on the counter and said to the pharmacist and Travis, "If these things don't get me as amped up as those bitches on the commercial I'm bringing these back, Kamal!" Kamal was the name of the pharmacist at the Kennewick Wal Mart that was ringing us up-- all I could think when we were standing in line trying to read his name tag as we got closer was "interesting name for a white guy."

I have actually felt really great today, but I'm not sure if it's as much from the vitamins as it is accomplishing most of what I wanted to do and not drinking any alcohol at night. I did like 200 crunches, 50 squats and some leg lifts. I just can't stand not having a gym membership and it being too cold to have much ambition to run. Maybe I should just get over it and find some. Without a job and leaving in three months I definitely can't afford to blow $200 on a temporary gym membership unfortunately.... 

peace. 

By the skin of my teeth, I got a class.

I've had a pretty great day. Surprisingly enough, here we are toward the end of the quarter and this is usually when I'm the most stressed. I'm not that worried about this quarter because of my current circumstances. I've done pretty well on almost all of my tests and assignments in my three classes this quarter-- with the exception of the quiz I took today in English that I forgot to read for. BUT. I got 135/150 on my critique paper!! That's an A-. I'm so happy about that.

I got an 85% on my economics test. Another score. How well I've done in my classes was definitely because of how hard I worked this last week. This week I've been keeping up for the most part but because of this "double-Monday" (as my professor calls it, the day after a three day weekend and everybody feels like they're playing catch up. It's the truth) I've felt like this week is flying by.

Starbucks coffee cake. 

I had my regular coffee and coffee cake with Reina today at Starbucks. She told me for a second time today (I had forgot) that she's leaving after finals. I've had a nice time meeting with her every week. It's been a treat to learn even more about the Japanese culture; but more than anything it really did make life more tolerable when I first moved here and had nobody to talk too. I cooked myself my favorite lunch today as well.

Alright I've really got to get some more work done tonight. I studied with Matthew in the library from 3-5 today like I was assigned (even if the professor isn't making us prove that we're continuing to have these study groups or not) at the beginning of the quarter. It was good to get that done.

 I also lucked out today. I'm #1 on a wait list for a professional speaking class that I'm taking next quarter. Originally I was pretty sure I was taking technical writing but now I'm actually happy that I'm in that speech class. Reason being it will almost definitely take less time to do assignments for that class than for my technical writing class and I need all the time I can get with how difficult statistics is going to be. I think next quarter could potentially be my hardest quarter to date.

I'm not saying professional speaking is a class I'm super excited for, but I am just happy that I'm going to be taking a class to inch me closer to my goal of graduation. I have to take a full credit load in order to continue receiving my student loans, which means if I had not gotten this class I would have had to take a class I didn't need. Could you imagine how hard it would be to study for a class that meant nothing?

With my CBC classes I used to always make a check-list of my current progress and with Winter quarter coming to a close I'll show you guys where I'm at:

Business Degree, total 100 credits. 

Pre-Requisite Requirements (pre-admission)
Done:
-Accounting 251 (Winter 2012), 3.4, 5 cred
-Accounting 252 (Fall 2012), 3.0, 5 cred
-Legal Environment of Business (Fall 2012), 3.3, 5 cred
-Pre-Calculus (Fall 2012), 3.0, 5 cred

Total: 20 credits

Current: 
-Econ 201 (Winter 2013)
-Finite Math (Winter 2013)
-English 102 (Winter 2013)

Marginal credits: 15
Total: 35 credits

Spring 2013:
-Econ 202
-Bus 241. Introductory Business Statistics
-Com 345, Professional Speaking

Total: 50 credits

Thus completing half of my total 100 credits at the end of my Junior year. 

This would not have happened had I not done some research today. I actually realized I had made some dumb mistakes while using safari and kept on thinking all the classes were completely closed and full when I would accidently look at "Winter 2013"s stuff. Why would that be the automatic option on the drop down list? It bogs the whole system up.

Oh well, it all worked out. 

Being #1 on a wait list is pretty much a guarantee that you're going to be in the class. Someone always drops and most professors are willing to squeeze in just one more person in an already full class.

Okay talk to you later guys.

peace.

Your face looks famished.

Yo.

Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.

Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.

Anyway let's see, what I got done:

-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.

-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.

-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.

-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.

-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.


So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.

I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...

This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.

I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.

I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad. 

It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.

peace. 

Two almost stress free midterms, hallelujah.

I found another North Korea propoganda film, this one translated to English. Almost the entire thing is shots of Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung smiling and pointing at these great perfect establishments that have been built for the workers party. 

The music in North Korea is just awful. That's one of the things that would make life in North Korea absolutely unbearable is the awful socialist party music. They're not allowed to listen to anything else, though many of them do obtain music from China and South Korea illegally at the black market. The whole country is ridiculously poor because there's no economy so even as more and more "shops" and "restaurants" are built there will still be people starving and dying in the streets. 

It absolutely has to end soon, something will happen one of these days in North Korea that will cause major changes in the way their socialist government under the Kim family is currently running. It's been this way for so long that the country has become an old photograph of Maoist China and the 1950's Soviet union. For this reason Chinese tourists love to visit North Korea because it's fascinating to witness the charade fantasy land that the North Korean government can't possibly think the rest of the world believes. 

 

This sports contest happened in Kim Il Sung Stadium. In older videos the stands would have been full but I'm noticing over time these events are getting smaller and smaller, definitely because their population has dropped so far in numbers from starvation throughout the years. Competition in itself is very rare in North Korea because it's considered a capitalist ideal but there does appear to be a few races in this. I don't know, it's all completely whack-a-do. I'm going to continue to follow StimmeKorea's videos until the end of the Kim dynasty. It'll happen here in the next year or so, you watch. It has too because it's getting to the point that the residents of PyongYang are going to be the only ones left. 

I think I did well on my accounting test. Lecture in legal was SO boring today, we talked about contracts and hardly anyone was paying attention/participated. These are the type of days that I really make an effort to pay attention because I feel it will play in my advantage. He appreciates when people are paying attention, and he knows that the subject is boring.

Now that it's coming down to the very end I'm really getting a perspective on what I've gotta do to pass my classes. Week 7 ends tomorrow, I'm PROUD I actually did everything on my goal list this week and really got to enjoy the rewards by having two almost stress free midterms! 

What I've really got to do is study math. My next important test is this Thursday so my goal is to study math an hour a day between now and Wednesday night to better prepare myself for that. This test shouldn't be too bad, I've got a decent hand on logarithms so if I really bite into it tonight I should be okay. 

That's all I gotta say, gotta get to work! 

peace. 

Most important test of my life here tomorrow, and more..

It's november so I should start posting things that I'm thankful for. To be honest I'm thankful for a lot of things, many of which I hadn't started being thankful for until just a year or so ago. The more I learn about other people's lives the more I realize how lucky and extremely fortunate I really am. 

Can finally discard this. 

It's not brand new, but hey it's comfortable, adjusts up and down, and helps improve my playing posture. Thank you so much Dad.

One thing I'm fortunate for is the fact that I don't have broke parents. I know that's a shallow thing to say right off the bat this month but it really does make a huge difference in the amount of effort you have to put into getting to the point I am. My parents have always been extremely supportive in paying for my college expenses. Yesterday my Dad came over, brought me a "care package" with a bunch of cool office supplies, a new office chair and $60 for no apparent reason. OH, and on top of everything he took my bike to the shop to get it repaired because I couldn't haul it in my car. Apparently the bike shop is right down the road though so I'll be able to just ride it home when it's ready on Tuesday. 

It's funny my Dad has driven everyone crazy but I'm so thankful to have him because without him I don't think any of this college stuff would be possible. Not only would I probably never look into the business degree had it not been what he taught me about money growing up, but I probably also wouldn't have the same work ethic. He's taught me a lot about hard work and how important it is to manage your money because it can place a huge strain on your life if you don't. 

 We've grown a lot closer over the last year because I understand when he talks to me about work and he gets a sense of accomplishment when he helps me with my schoolwork. He helped explain a concept for tomorrow's accounting test this morning. So I guess I can just say that I'm thankful for my Dad and everything he's given me. I'm of course thankful for my mom too, who puts up with and helps me through alllll of my emotional struggles that I've had over the years. 

November is a time to be thankful, and I can honestly say I'm very, very thankful for everything... especially the opportunities my parents have given me. 

My couch is no longer white! There was a black slip cover up in our attic space that I put over it this morning. Good thing, too, that white was getting sort of grubby, between you and I... 

I've become a better chef! I made that really tasty grilled chicken breast for Reina and I when she came over for lunch this last Friday. She'd told me, "Emily you are my important friend from the US!" I can't tell you how special that makes me feel. She's only going to be in the United States for six months so I really want a chance to take her back to shop in the tri cities. Maybe I can take her to the mall to do some christmas shopping or something. I figure I'm coming home for Christmas break anyway but it's not that far of a ride to just come get here.

We'll see what my finances are looking like... and what my life is looking like, at that time. I can see Reina and I having lunch together every Friday between now and the time she leaves in March, to be honest! 

So I've got my first lesson with Jake on Thursday at 5:30... I've been improving my practice regime just to be able to show him the new stuff I've taught myself since we last met. I'm so, so excited.. Especially for when his website is up and he starts uploading guitar pro tabs! Jake is REALLY.. err, pro-guitar pro, haha. He got me hooked, it's the greatest tab program out right now and because all of his students use it I imagine we'll be able to post songs on the forums.

Jake ALSO invited me to come give lessons sometime at the shop because there are girls that only want to get lessons from a girl. I initially said, "Oh no I couldn't possibly...!" and made up some excuses but after I thought about it I'm like, why the hell not? Wasn't I just advertising that I could give lessons a couple months ago? I now realize I'm not nearly that caliber of a player yet. I believe I'm in the "good" range, I've gone from "beginner" in the first couple months to "intermediate" for the next four months, and I now consider myself "intermediate-good." 

I have the dexterity and technical skill to play almost anything in the Rock-Metal genre but it's a matter of finding the right songs and memorizing the music that's the hard part. Right now I'm learning Sultans of the Swing, Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid and Mother Superior by Coheed and Cambria. I wanted to find three songs outside my typical Iron Maiden crazy box. 

Tomorrow I have the most important accounting test of my life but I'm not feeling particularily anxious because I have studied, very well. I've used flash cards and I've got most of the formulas and concepts down very well. I'm going to study another hour and a half tonight to really solidify some of Chapter 13 that I was having trouble on. I would also like the opportunity to study for an hour or so before I take the exam itself. The exam opens at 10:00 AM.

I have to make sure to wake up early tomorrow to make myself some good ole Mexican eggs. They're a powerhouse of nutrients and they'll help better prepare me for my exam. At the time of my last exam I was probably running on 700-900 calories a day and I've regulated it entirely since then so hopefully I will see a large improvement to my grade from the 60%.

OH, another thing I have to get done tonight is figure out my registration date and pick a list of classes that I want to take next quarter. The sooner I get THAT out of the way the better, as we all know... I do NOT want another professor that doesn't make any sense next quarter. We'll see.

Just got my score on the legal midterm! 79.83, that rounds up to an 80%!! That's a B-!!! YAY!!! 

peace. 

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.

Week 7, getting into the hardest part of the quarter.

I have a hell of a busy work week ahead. I've been starting my weeks on Tuesdays because that's the day that I'm usually in the know for what I have to get done in the next week. If I were to make one of these on Monday morning I wouldn't have known the exact date for my accounting test, next Monday.

This next accounting test is really important because if I fail this one I'm out of the class and it's too late to drop so I'd be stuck with a failing grade. That being said, I'm going to really make a point to study those flash cards, understand the concepts and formulas, and re-do those homework assignments. Burnadette, Natasha, Tiana and I are going to meet up and study sometime this week. Burnadette and I were considering meeting today but I'm not sure if that will actually happen. Either way I still gotta get that assignment done. Chapter 13 SUCKS but Natasha actually got some help from the professor yesterday so we were able to really figure out the assignments. 

The key is being able to do it without a reference, knowing what order to put those tables, etc etc.. As my task list says, week 7 is typically where you dig into the more difficult material of the course,usually have upcoming important tests to watch out for (if you don't already have one in week 7.. I'm my case I don't), etc. So wish me luck. I have to make sure I'm taking the necessary steps to do well on that accounting test or I'm pretty screwed.

peace. 

My first panic attack

There are some people that I hold in very high regard in my life. People that if throughout life they're ever in trouble they can come to me for help and I'd help them hands down because of how much they've helped me at this stage of my life.

Ashley B. is one of those people.

Yesterday was normal for the most part. I'd studied my accounting for an hour first thing in the morning after doing my laundry and was unable to fully comprehend the material. It was frustrating so I put it aside after doing about four exercises. Figured I'd do the other four today which is something I have to get done here after I finish this entry.

I came back to my room to start studying for my midterm. I continued to feel pain in my chest from the past few days. The pain was scaring me now and I made the mistake of beginning to research it. I stopped myself after about 5 minutes, I told myself, "Stop, you know this isn't going to help.. There's nothing wrong with you.." But I still wanted to talk to my mom to help calm me down. I called my parents, neither of them picked up. Then I tried my sister and she hung up on me. The feeling of isolation made me feel creeped out, so I went on facebook for awhile and tried to relax.

It wasn't working... My hands were getting sweaty, I felt dizzy, I felt like I could barely breath. I then began going through my phone contacts looking for someone to call. I first called Katelynn, then Samantha but neither of them picked up so I decided to call Ashley B. She's always been extremely understanding of people's problems; she went to an oppressive Catholic school and dealt with bullying growing up so she knows and understands stress and depression more than most people I know.

When she picked up I immediately starting balling, saying I was extremely scared because I felt like I couldn't breath. She helped calm me down to explain that it was just a panic attack, that my symptoms are normal, and suggested some remedies to help me relax. One of which included benadryl, which I don't have any of so I ended up drinking an alka-seltzer and took a quarter supplement of Bronkaid to help clear my airways. Both of them helped quite a bit. I'm going to keep Bronkaid around for this purpose. Only taking a small amount like that did not affect my appetite or sleeping last night. I haven't been taking caffeine either.


I'd never had a panic attack before... I've been going through a really stressful time so it's understandable. Everyone that I'd called returned my call that evening, Samantha seemed really concerned but by then I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes talking about paranoia makes it worse. I really don't want to have a panic attack again, it seriously feels like you're having a heart attack and that you can't breath.

When I talked to my mom about it she thinks it also partially has to do with feeling stressed about not talking to Jed. As much as I don't want to admit it, it does sadden me that we haven't talked in 4 days now... I feel strangely numb about it, like I haven't let myself get attached to the point that it bothers me to a great degree but not knowing if I'm going to talk to him again makes me kind of sad.

peace. 

A fresh start, round 2.

My friend Kevin is extremely helpful. Period.

He came over tonight after law class and helped me with a few of my assignments that I hadn't gotten done because I was away this weekend and helped me get caught up. Tomorrow I've got ANOTHER legal assignment (Chapter 12) that I have to submit and we've barely lectured on chapter 9 in class yet. At least the homework allows the class to stay somewhat ahead of the game.

I've got my midterm in there this next Monday. I figure if I do one of the study guides every day I will satisfy that grade. That's six times going over last year's midterm of 150 questions. Each run though the test should take me about an hour and a half. That test is going to be difficult but if I study the midterm extremely well I should have a good shot at getting above a B.

Okay so I got my accounting grade on the first test. I failed just like I thought I did... BUT. I got a 61% so that's still 60% of the points. That's not a hole I can't get myself out of. I can't afford another bad grade but I am going to work extremely hard for the next two tests. It's just a matter of making sure I get at least an hour a day. Granted some days are going to take longer than others (like Tuesdays when I've got homework) but on those other 5 days if I really make a point to both take care of myself and do a solid hour of studying a day I should really improve in that class. I've been doing flash cards too.

Holtfreter knows that I'm working really hard. I actually came to his office today to pick up the overhead slides for chapter 11 but he told me he'd left them at home and pretty much kicked me out. It's okay, he's busy, but damn he'd told me the previous week to come to his office to get help but my effort was pretty fruitless. Regardless, I'm going to continue to show up, every day that I have class about an hour before class begins to get the overhead slides...

Burnadette P. also offered to study with me before the test. It doesn't look like the professor is going to jumble up the groups so that's good... I don't see why he would, the distribution of failure is pretty even throughout the classroom. There were 8 A's, 5 or 6 B's, a few C's, a few D's and 12 F's. More F's than anything. This really sweet Vietnamese girl is studying as hard as I am and she failed as bad as I did. Shannon D. got a D-. We're all trying our absolute hardest, that test was bullcrap.

He did say that he is going to adjust the exam for the next one somehow. I'm really hoping I feel more confident on the next one. I know I'll feel less nervous, that is if I'm able to get my permit for test anxiety on November 6th. I'm sure I'll have the next accounting test before then but maybe not, I just don't know... Everything has been going so fast, I don't even know what week this is technically. That might be a good thing to keep track of.

That 60% was when I was running on 60% of my health. For the rest of the quarter I'm going to eat healthy, sleep well, stay focused... Work my hardest, like always. This, by far, has been my hardest quarter I've ever taken.

Oh! On top of everything else I've got a math test tomorrow. I feel pretty confident about the material... I worked on most of the problems a couple times today, I'm still a little shaky on some of them but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up at 5 to squeeze an hour in before the test like I like to do.

Ugh, this blows, I didn't get to play guitar all day today but I've got to get a good night sleep tonight. It's already 11 and it takes me a little while to actually go to sleep.



No word from Jed, all day. No word from him yesterday, all day. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... He probably got freaked out thinking I wanted some relationship even though I didn't want him to jump to that conclusion at all. Like he kept on asking me questions about it and if I was looking for one. I told him that I honestly wouldn't mind being in one at this point, having it's been almost two years since I've been in one... but no, that must've scared him away. Why do guys ask these questions if it's just going to freak them out? Isn't it just better to go with the flow?

I don't want to think about Jed right now, really that's one of the last things really concerning me.... I guess if he is trying to cut off and that's the last time I see him then I've just gotta accept it and move on, what else can I do? Everything will work out eventually, I just hate it when I get a tiny taste of feeling of absolute satisfaction in my life (because the feeling of affection toward anyone is the only thing missing) and it goes away. I relished in the thought of us being together for about two days. And now it's over I guess. Shit. lol.

This picture is my new cover on facebook, it's some art from Mastodon but it seems like a pretty accurate representation of my stress level since I've arrived here. I feel so discouraged a lot of the time... I always feel like I'm not smart enough and it's frustrating. 

peace. 

So I met Jed. : )

Stoked is probably an understatement. Yes that's Jed, in my room, with my guitar. Score.

A couple days ago Burnadette, her roommate and I went to Fred Meyers and they helped me pick out some groceries. Burnadette has been excellent in offering me advice concerning being overwhelmed with school and my poor eating habits...

Anyway when we got back to my apartment complex with the groceries there was some "block party" thing going on. There were a few stands, 88.1 was there playing music and there were some clubs advertising. I spotted Jed and we made eye contact, but of course I was really nervous to talk to him even though I knew that this was my chance. He was standing with the filipeno club at a stand, it was really cold out. 

I had walked back and forth between my apartment and my car a couple times to get the groceries out of my car and stood in my living room for a minute wondering if I should go out there and talk to him. I figured now was a better time than ever because it's a public event so I went back out and started checking out each of the booths. All of the booths were for ethnic clubs, none of which was particularly interested in but hey... free candy. 

When I got to Jed's booth he asked, "So are you just white or what?" I sort of cracked up, asking him some random questions about the club but not really listening to his responses on it, I was more concerned with how I was going to get his number. I told him I'd just moved into Central and didn't know very many people so he offered to swap numbers with me. Score. 

We were texting that evening for about an hour before he asked what I was up to that night. I didn't really have other plans, a friend of mine had sort of flaked out so I didn't mind putting that off. He told me he played the guitar too and I told him I had a guitar he could use. 

He busted in; he didn't even knock, like suddenly I turned around and he was in my room. We hit it off pretty quickly, he seems to have the same sort of sense of humor that I do. I showed him the Hollywood Complex and he thought was brilliant so that was an immediate plus. 

He was also of course very impressed by my guitar skills. He plays well but he's self taught so of course he was very interested in my methods. I found it very difficult to explain anything to him, his eyes are beautiful. 

His friend came over around 10:30 PM. Jed had been getting a ton of texts/calls since he'd got to my place so you can tell he's got a lot of friends; I like that.. But obviously unlike Jack he'd actually be willing to get away from his friends for two seconds to spend time with me, which is another plus. Anyway, Jed's friend (shown right in the picture above) showed up and we left to get some taco bell and--  I didn't really know what else the plan was, I was just along for the ride. We ended up just coming back to my apartment after getting food. I ordered a Cantina bowl, ate about three bites of it and tossed it. Taco Bell just wasn't good that night for some reason. 

After his friend left Jed and I hit it off pretty well, I got to know him a little bit better as the night went on. I'll write some of what he told me here so I can keep the details straight. 

Jed's 22, gonna turn 23 in January. He was just in a 1 year 2 month relationship that he just ended a couple months ago with some girl that he didn't really like so he's telling me that he wants to bh e single for awhile. He's full filipeno, his Mom moved over here to be with his Dad when he was ten (technically stepdad). He didn't know any English. He's an electrical engineering major, he's in his last year at Central. I don't know if he has any siblings. I also know that he's taking linear algebra this quarter and I'm wondering if he's taking it with Jason T. 

Ha ha, he came over this morning too and crashed on my couch...

I try not to get too excited about these sort of things. I've really learned to just go with the flow and not expect anything from this aspect of my life but even if that was the last time I see him (which I doubt, but you just never know..) I'm still stoked I got to meet him and hang out a couple times. It's a start. I definitely like him so I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes, if anywhere. 

What's really funny about all this is that he's actually had his eye on me for awhile too, so during that time that I was crushing on "a complete stranger" he was doing the same back-- that's never happened to me before. 

In other news I went to lunch with Reina on Friday. We went to Kiku-chan for sushi and Reina laughed at me because I dumped a bunch of sugar in my green tea. She's like "What are you doing?!" I guess Japanese people don't do that! Strange, I always thought green tea was too bitter without it. 

I gotta get some study done... I've been breaking my accounting study sessions in 45 minute periods which has been helping me retain the information a little better. I'm in Benton city right now, I came back to see Katelynn but also got a chance to see my sister go off to homecoming with Jimmy, Denae, Cora M., and their dates. Denae's younger sister was with them too but she didn't seem too happy to be there. 

My sister of course looked fabulous but she was being a complete brat. She always acts humiliated by me and it pisses me off at times but what's new. 

peace. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK. Sink or swim, baby.

I'm almost sure I failed my first accounting test, but at least I now know what to expect. That was the hardest test I've ever taken, I didn't show my work on practically any of it, and I know what I have to do.

The test was huge, all multiple choice, 75 questions.... I almost immediately knew I was fucked when I looked at how the questions were worded and how you had absolutely no hints on how to perform the calculations. I probably would have done much better had I the time to really think about each individual question, considering I only had an hour and a half. Worst of all, you have to show your work, so for all the questions that I didn't show my work even if I guessed correctly I still got it wrong.

OH. And worst of all, I forgot my four-function calculator on my fucking desk at home so I had to work with  the professor's ancient calculator that didn't work for shit and had sticky keys and a sideways 6.

So today was not my day. I just need to remember that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do is study harder and move forward.

What I need to do is find a way to make sure I do a solid 2 hours a studying each day for each class so that I'm not focusing all of my energy on one class one day and then sort of spacing on other material. I think if I do that from here on out I'll be guaranteed to survive this quarter. I just don't know how to find the time to do anything besides study lately.

I've just gotta stay up later, wake up earlier, try to conceptualize the material, TRY to stay relaxed, try to find time to EAT.... Because literally I barely even make time for that anymore which is why I've been losing weight.

So this, again, is a sink or swim situation. My new day-to-day schedule is now going to look like this, every day:

1. 2 hours accounting
 -
 -

2. 1 hour math
-
-

3. 2 hours Legal
-
-

4. 2 hours Guitar
-
-

For every day that I don't have Legal and accounting class. I can only set my goal for math at 1 hour a day because realistically I know that I won't study math for two hours. If I can stick to this I can guarantee I won't fail my classes.

I just thought last week was enough.... But I gotta work harder. Five hours a day is do-able, it's like a full time job.

peace. 

....wow.

All these pictures turned out horrible. 

So I'll only put them up on the blog. That and I don't know if Jack would necessarily want me advertising that we spent time together. 

But yeah, Jack and I hung out. First time in what, like two years? We caught up. Woo. I invited him over to "jam" but I really just wanted to be able to show him what I could do since the last time we'd hung out. I don't know, I can't really improvise with anyone. 

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm surprised as f*ck that we actually did.... Maybe I'll have more to say about this tomorrow. I'm going to study for my legal class tonight... Tomorrow I've got my first accounting test at 10:00 AM so I should probably get more prepared for that tonight. 

peace. 

I love rye bread.

Today's been an extremely productive Saturday, I'm pretty proud of myself. When I really set my mind to it, I get sh*t done.

This morning I went to safeway and bought groceries. I spent like $75 on replenishing the things I tend to consume almost every day; like chicken patties, apples, grapes, milk, bread.. I have a pretty simple diet, but I do eat really healthy which can get expensive. I have to stockpile the freezer with frozen veggies to squeeze in a serving with dinner.

I loooove Rye bread, this was $5 versus all the other loafs that were $2.99 or so. 

One thing that I do splurge on when I grocery shop is bread. Whenever I grocery shop I'll get the best loaf of bread I can find and a bag of fresh bagels. I love Rye bread, my family never bought it so I feel some weird sense of independence buying it just because I like it. That's one of the many reasons living alone with a little money saved up is fun. 

Coffee is so expensive, I bought Folgers French roast today which is a medium-dark blend so I'm excited to try that tomorrow. I also got my Monsters for Monday and Wednesday. 

Another reason today was noticeably good was because I studied math for two entire hours and I've got a much better grasp on functions now. Turns out I gave way less credit to Montgomery than he deserved. While I was looking for the blackboard examples I stumbled upon a complete guide for the chapter written by Montgomery himself. Everything is worded very clearly in this document and has been MUCH more helpful than the worthless pre-calc textbook that I've been trying to use.

Even the professor hates that textbook... That's why he wrote his own. That makes me pretty relieved because all this time I thought I was only going to have my chicken scratch notes as a resource in that math class. 

Yeah, I really don't have much to say today. I'll probably play more guitar and study accounting tonight, normal day I suppose. This next week shouldn't be too bad if I study hard this weekend. Tomorrow I've got to take the Chapter 5/6 quiz for my legal class, that'll be easy enough because we've moved from the legal system to tort laws so it's a bit more interesting. 

Holtfreter told us he's going to send us the test format to study this weekend so I'm gonna check that out tonight to get a better feel for what's going to be on the test for Monday. I don't know if he was planning on e-mailing it to us or what because we haven't used the internet at all in his class. Hopefully I'll be able to find it...

This has just been a lot of uninteresting school blah blah, excuse me. At least I feel peaceful and not particularly stressed about anything. 

peace.