..Gotten good enough that even my "haters" want in..?!!

Today nothing really out of the ordinary happened until about 5 minutes ago.

I checked my portrait page and had gotten a message from a girl who I've actually wanted to draw for quite awhile-- perhaps because I knew for a fact she's not a fan of me which makes it slightly more fun but also because she's slightly exotic looking. She asked I do a picture of her sons but because one of them is a newborn and the only available photo to me was from June I realized I'd have to receive more input before I start this project.

This was the only picture I could access of her son (likely because we're not friends on facebook. Lol which is fine like I've said before I don't expect everyone to like me or be my friend, that's not how the world works) 

Anyway, I'm personally stoked as heck I'm drawing her with an actual request!! Had it been otherwise I would have felt the pressure of the fear of her calling me out as a creeper because I'm pretty sure she hasn't liked me for a long time. Why? It could be any number of things. When I look back on middle and highschool that we all went through and how we acted toward one another I wouldn't be surprised if I said something offensive. I think about the insecurities I felt at that age and how some things that people would say that would stick in my mind for hours or even days afterward contemplating what it meant-- and who knows if that person meant anything by what they said! 

Regardless of whether or not she likes me I always thought she was an interesting person. In middle school she was in the honors English classes with me as well as took Mr. Zorn's class in 6th and 8th grade with the 30 or so notorious "smart kids" from my class. She was new at school that year and was sharp and outspoken from day one. She was of course very popular because she was new as well as confident. I remember she was the first one in our class daring enough to wear those 80's style leggings. . . .

Yup, definitely an interesting person that I remember going to school with very well. Though we've never been "bffs" (ha ha ha) I'm stoked as Hell to draw this pic tomorrow, going to be fun.

I also got a request from James L. who wants a drawing of him as Superman. This drawing is going to be EPIC and I plan to do it here in the next few days too. These are drawings that I'm very inspired to do right now but as my page gets more hits I'm getting more and more requests that have been sitting on a list or in a pile for months...

That being said the only way I can give priority to people that really want drawings is by charging a small fee for my time. I'm going to charge $15 and have people send cash by mail I think.. I'd rather not deal with the online payment bullshit. Anyone can stick some cash in an envelope.

peace. 

BANG BANG BANG... silence.

Weekend again. It's almost 7, Friday evening.

I have this policy analysis that I have to do this weekend. I feel lame having not put any significant effort into it at this point.. But I have all of tomorrow and Sunday to get it done. I've got that "rough draft" that will at least get me started. I'm taking the rest of the night off.

Most of today was spent studying for my public finance test (midterm 3) and of course was one of the last ones in my class to finish it. I'd made the decision to prepare more than adequately for this test to assure that I wasn't getting another C after last week's shitty test. So yeah, studied the material super well this week... I know I did well on the multiple choice and didn't bullshit any of the essay questions except for 2 because I forgot to read the damn Facebook articles. 

When I'd made this realization toward the end of the test I was sooo frustrated... Like I stayed up late last night, then woke up at 6' this morning to study for a couple solid hours before money and banking (debated not even going but I'm glad I did...) then studied with Mike H. then went home and studied for another 40 minutes before the test!! But somehow completely forgot the f*cking facebook articles-- didn't cross my mind once the past few days. Now the highest I could possibly get is an 87. Doesn't give me much wiggle room for mess ups on the rest of the thing at all, and I'm really hoping that after all of this work I at least pull a B.

Yesterday I had a quiz in Money and banking that I was not feeling comfortable on what so ever, even if I did a pretty good amount of studying. True/False questions are tricky but I usually do surprisingly well on them.. I guess better than I expect. I think in some ways I've always had a good nose for bulls**t.. Like I can tell when someone is lying or when something's kind of off, so naturally I guess I would be good at true-false.

When I was going through the stack of papers Terry was standing behind me. His was on top of mine at the bottom of the stack and when he reached down to grab his he picked up mine too. I snatched that paper out of his hands so fast, I did NOT want him to be the first one to see it.. Especially because I thought I did really bad and I always just assume Terry's scores are within a 5 point margin of my scores (*give or take). I put the quiz under my textbook cover when I was debating looking at it and was pleasantly happy/shocked to see that I scored a 22/28 (78%... Still a C, but a more respectable C than last time!).

Terry didn't do so hot on this one and told me he wanted to go drink... Lol it was like 10 am. I know how that goes though, you just feel sick for the rest of the hour... if it's bad enough the rest of the day. Which is why I didn't even want to look at the score in the first place.

Oh! Also I got 41/50 (82%) on my managerial test. I was pretty happy with this. Every day this week has been spent cramming for one test or another.

okay, school was designed to make us all suffer, we get it, moving on...

Here it is, Friday night. I do want to have fun. Hold on I'll take a picture of my kind of filthy self after a long day...

Right now I'm feeling kinda greasy, blah and unmotivated. I got my guitar practice quota done (my hands are honestly kind of sore from working on rondo alla turca, it involves a lot of middle finger technique that I'm not used too), feeling accomplished with this week for the most part... I want to have fun!! 

I've texted a couple people (Oscar and Marlowe, the girl I met last week) but haven't heard back from either yet. I am debating texting Allie.. I don't know, I tried to hit her or Kala up the past couple weekends and I didn't get much response so I'd rather the next time they want to hang out they text me so I know that they don't like... dislike me or something.

I think the next step in my evening, regardless of what happens, is to go get a couple Coronas and relax with my kitty cat and I'll be quite happy. It's been a tough week, this quarter's coming to an end and I'm excited to spend some time with my family soon. Tomorrow I might be meeting my Dad  in Yakima for lunch and do some wandering around at thrift stores. I'm still on a hunt for some funky, retro refrigerator magnets!! And a bigger coffee maker that I don't have to refill three times a day.

Alright goin' on a beer run.

peace. 

OH... Weirdest ass thing happened yesterday. Weird because I was just thinking about her (well of course, she's my ex best friend how could I not...). I got a text from Katelynn yesterday saying that if I have a problem with her I should say it to her instead of going to Alan about it (wtf..? I haven't said a word to Alan in months...) and then said something completely off the wall... I'm debating even posting it but I guess because all the bridges are burnt what difference does it make. 

She said "Alan doesn't want to ^&*%, you, nice try..." Woah. Woah.... What? Which is basically what I said in response. I'm like Dude, the last time I talked to Alan was after you dumped me as a friend pretty shortly after you'd dumped him as your boyfriend. I sent him a message saying I was sorry, they ended up back together, and I haven't talked to either of them since. I've never wanted anything to do with Alan that way. I turn down guys all the time here, why the Hell would I want to pursue some guy in the tri cities? I mean among all of the reasons that make that statement just outright crazy. 

Makes me wonder if she was even trying to text me or someone else... She didn't respond when I responded to her a couple hours later basically asking what the Hell was she talking about. I know that shortly before we stopped being friends she became friends with S. Wilson's older sister and might have been trying to text her or something. I don't know... It was just weird. Maybe with a few beers in me I might not be so hesitant to ask her about it..... 

Let me hear you scream.

Took out some pretty intense emotions today.

Was it a mistake I will later regret? No, because I have a right to freedom of speech and can post whatever I want on my facebook. The information that I posted was from evidence that I had heard all over town-- not just at home, and put together clues to come up with a conclusion of the motives of why  this happened. The opinions expressed were done by me alone, no names were used and there is therefore no jurisdiction for "slander." Therefore, I am content with opening a can of worms today and expressing what had happened even if my Mom got pretty angry when she heard that I did....

I've just been so angry about this situation this summer, it's put a huge amount of stress on all of our shoulders.

Heard this in the car today and wrote lyrics "I'm not sick but I'm not well" on my arm to remember to look up the song. I do this a lot lately because when I'm living in the tri cities I spend a lot of time driving around listening to 97 rock.

Guitar lessons went well today. Jake gave me another copy of AX7 etude which sounds incredible when it's done so I'm really inspired to get started on it. He gave it to me once about 6 months ago when I was nowhere near able to take a solid whack at this. After learning Invention I feel more confident in my ability to learn complex riffs.

DELUXE cat condo. 

Now that I'm off work and spent half my savings in the past week for misc. stuff that I've needed to buy for awhile. Like I bought Miranda's cat harness today and retractable leash. Miranda allowed me to put the harness on her and didn't seem too bothered by it-- maybe slightly disoriented like when you put a shirt on the cat and they fall on the floor. I think there's a good chance she'll get used to it. My mom is building a small cat condo for the living room. I'd like to someday buy a tall one. For some reason they remind me of Katharine's house growing up and make me happy.

Lots of practicing tomorrow.

peace. 

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

Tacky is fun.

Here, some tacky yet admittedly somewhat pretty "artwork" from a facebook app.

On nights light tonight with no real responsibilities facebook browsing is always entertaining. 

Here's another one, whee!

Anyway, I could have gone out tonight but decided not too because I had a really bad headache today and a runny nose and if I go out I know I could easily wear myself out and get that bad cold that's been going around that I've managed to dodge somehow. So after my classes ended I've been at the apartment for the most part, aside from my last counselling session that I attended at 4. 

After the "Pathways" group counselling sessions I was debating on if I wanted to attend the follow up. Today it definitely didn't feel nessasary. I was in overall pretty good spirits after this week, even if this wasn't a fantastic week for me academically. I did okay (81%) on my econ quiz, I probably did the worst I've done so far on a finite quiz today so I'm going to re-do some homework to better prepare for next week tomorrow, and I know I did pretty crummy on that english essay. So tomorrow I intend to get some work done before going to Bruce's kickback thing. I plan to drink a little there but it's not going to be an all night ordeal for me because of my health. I have a bit of a rule against drinking two nights and a row. I always feel like such crap after I drink the previous night that it messes me up almost the entire next day. 

And I knew that if I went out tonight and did get icky feeling tomorrow I definitely wouldn't want to go to Bruce's party, which would be lame as hell. I take pride in sticking to my plans. 

Abe is the one that invited me out this evening. He's out there having a good time somewhere, ha ha. I feel good about my night. I made some major progress on my recital piece from using guitar pro for about 20 minutes of the almost three hours I practiced. I'm thinking I'm going to work out for awhile, then take a shower, then probably practice guitar again and maybe play sims. I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep early tonight but it's Friday so I shouldn't have too. 

I'm just taking this night to enjoy myself because I know I've got a tough week ahead so I might as well make things easier for myself and get prepared this weekend. 

Back to facebook browsing.

peace. 

So close no matter how far....

Hello, damn it's quiet here.. I'm going to make sure to get out and do something this weekend.

Tonight I really should have gotten more studying done. I feel pretty confident in my economics because I've been really studying that a lot over the last week. Finite I'm feeling "meh," because it's only 7:30 and I've been dicking around on facebook and sleeping for a good portion of the day I feel I should get about 45 minutes of each subject in before bed.

I just hate studying sometimes because my room is really quiet. Maybe I'll put on some classical music or something just to break up the silence. I thought maybe I'd have lunch with Allie today and she said she'd text me but I haven't heard from her all day. I've been back since 11', and slept from around 1-3 after I made myself lunch. It's not a good idea to take a nap right after lunch, that's how you gain weight... but lately my body just wants me to sleep after classes. It could be partially because of the Prozac and also because it's winter and it's freaking freezing out.

Ha ha I found this recently and I'm probably gonna post it on facebook one of these days. This has to be a Canadian magazine or something. I miss my baby back home so much right now. I know she misses me too. I wish I could move into an apartment next year just to have her here with me... Oh well, I'll have her all summer. 

I had a good lesson with Jacob tonight. He approved my choice on Nothing Else Matters for the recital but he said "it's a hard song." which makes me a little concerned but I've got two months and I'm going to work on it every day. I think it's an absolutely beautiful piece and it will be very rewarding to learn and perform with all my hard work in fingerpicking over the past couple weeks. I'm happy I made this step to try fingerpicking, now that I've gotten the hang of it. 

It's a weird feeling to have not really talked to anyone since 11:00 this morning. I think I'll call my mom before I start studying. I tried calling her last night but she was going to Olive Garden with Avery and Jim for her birthday. I can't believe Avery's 18 now. 

Prozac has been giving me extremely vivid dreams; what's even weirder is that they make sense, they feel so realistic. I had a dream about Jack last night. 

I remember being in a huge Sanrio store, looking in the mirror and he walked in and I stormed out. He followed me outside (somehow we were at the Uptown) and told me he was "sorry." I was like, "What is this?! Answer me!" and he's like, "Nothing just kiss me." Then we kissed, it was all so vivid and I remember thinking "Wow I feel so stupid, what if people see how easily I forgive him.." I then remember my Mom pulling up in front to pick me up. Zoe was sitting in the front seat of the van but she looked a lot younger and Traci's son Wyatt was in the backseat, except he was talking and toddler age. I think this is somehow reflective of how long my feelings for him have lasted over the years. 

I've barely even thought about Jack since he told me he's seeing someone, but apparently he's still buried in my subconscious somewhere. 

peace. 

Started fingerpicking. Found some inspiration.

The guitar is funny. It can make you feel like a well-rounded player and then find a major hurdle and feel like a beginner again.

Fingerpicking has always been something I've stayed away from because for the first few months or so I was so focused on getting my fingers in the right position to hit notes that taking on the burden of focusing where my individual fingers on my right hand were going sounded impossible. I didn't touch fingerpicking for the past nine months or so that I've been really playing until a few days ago.

I know little bits and pieces of knowledge about World of Warcraft from spending time with Tyler and Jack. I looked up "Lions Pride World of Warcraft" on google image search and got this. Apparently someone built a lodge and called it "Lions Pride Inn." Or maybe that's part of the game and that's where the song I'm learning plays... I have no idea. 

I'm working on a couple "easy" songs from Songsterr just for finger picking-- Lions Pride from World of Warcraft and Wind Scene from Chrono Crusade. I've found one finger picking exercise that will get me into the habit of picking with the right fingers but it's much, much easier said than done. I have a lot more respect for a number of guitarists that I know that predominantly finger pick because I believe getting the hang of it will take just as much time as alternate picking did.

I posted a status today about learning to fingerpick just so that Jacob gets the memo and might send me something on Thursday for it if I remind him tomorrow. I haven't been on facebook all day aside from that. Maybe that's why it feels like a good day to me. I practiced a whole whopping 160 minutes. Just like back in the summer... I really spread that time among a lot of different skills so I feel I'm better managing my practice time lately, too.

Of course that's bound to change when school starts and things are a little more complicated time management wise. I'm going to have to be aware of how much time I'm spending with Brendan. I'm just so happy that he's there though, it makes things a lot less stressful going back because he's a really good listener and I know he can help me with a lot of things-- he's already taken Finite math and english 102. I haven't taken any English in forever.. it's weird to think that's the class I'm most concerned about but economics is supposedly extremely difficult too.

Shawn G. was going to have a sledding thing today and I was debating going this morning. I had plenty of time to think about it because the actual event wasn't until 3. Well since then the snow has melted for the most part, so sledding was a no go.

I don't have much planned for the next couple days (27th and 28th). I'd like to see Katelynn again before I go. She got the new Final Fantasy game for Christmas so I'd like to see the graphics. Speaking of games I think I might play the sims again this evening... I'm hoping my Mom made dinner because I haven't really eaten since 12 and I'm getting hungry and don't feel like cooking again.

peace.

Well, goodbye phone you've dealt with a lot..

Well  today started out pretty rocky but ended up very good overall.

I got up pretty early to take a shower. I had my phone with me in my robe and texted Brendan at like... I don't know, eight. I had just talked to him last night that I needed to take better care of my electronics. I wear makeup so sometimes I notice big smudges on the screen. I usually hastily clean it off with water and a towel, my shirt, honestly whatever I can find around. I didn't have a case on my phone. I dropped it on numerous occasions on the floor of my place in Ellensburg and of course the wood floors of my bedroom. I feel strangely sorry for my phone.

But by a complete fluke accident my phone flew, and separated, in the toilet. I was like OH NO.... of course I had to take the pieces out, wash my hands of course, put the wet phone on dry rice.... I was a little sad but I felt like I'd kind of taken my important piece of equipment for granted. I've decided that when I get a new phone I'm going to get it a case and take better care of it.

I had a pretty good talk to Brendan on facebook. I was going to call him tonight but I'm thinking maybe I'll just call it an early tonight. Tomorrow I've got my lesson. I feel like I've made progress on the pentatonic scale this week but I haven't worked with improvising on the backing track what so ever because I haven't had my computer available to me. I'll get back to working with that in January.

I've worked at the scale all week... I'm just hoping it's enough to not make it seem like I've been slacking because in all honesty I occasionally feel I'm slacking myself... Even if I play over an hour every single day. I wish I could still do three hour marathons but I haven't had much material to work with. I should really print a couple songs tomorrow. The problem for me is choosing the songs to play.

Brendan is coming here on Saturday! I think. I kind of doubt I'll be going to his house. His family is pretty strict Christians and I figure I'll just wait on that until later. My family is just laid back and we have more freedom here. My parents don't really give me grief about anything anymore. I mean obviously, I'm 21 now why would they unless I was being extremely stupid and disrespectful.

Now that my phone is broken it's going to be a little more of a challenge communicating with people. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Katelynn came over and we sat around watching intervention and bullshitting for a few hours. We have so much fun just hanging out with eachother and talking, just laughing at everything...

I'm so tired, gonna hit it guys.

peace. 

I'm sorry for being the biggest bitch on the planet, but...

Gah! I'm so lame...

If he has a green backpack, which I vaguely remember he does, I saw him again... what is this like, the fifth time, and I didn't even look over or smile or anything. I'm pretty sure it was him, and he just happen to skate by the second I was walking past the building he lives in. I was listening to my music and looking straight ahead so I could see why he wouldn't talk to me if it was him and if he actually had any intention of talking to me at all. Probably not, I'm assuming this crush on this complete stranger of mine is very one sided so I don't need to start trying to convince myself otherwise. 

But because his facebook is entirely restricted to people that aren't his friends if I ever wanted to talk to him I would straight have to walk up to him and say something which I don't want to do. Nobody would ever want to do that. But obviously he's still on my mind, I don't have any interest in anyone else, I feel like a sitting duck. The only other way I could get ahold of him is through a different friend of mine (who I just met so we're not close enough friends that he wouldn't not talk to me again if he knew I liked his friend). I haven't been very subtle in hinting that I'd like to talk to him but I highly doubt he's brought me up.  

I've decided that if he's still on my mind by this Saturday and haven't gotten the chance to talk to him I'm going to text my friend and admit to him that I'm crushing on his friend, apologize for being the biggest bitch on the planet, and ask if he knows a way I could meet him. They're best friends here at school though, it's like me dating someone that Katelynn has a crush on and spent time with. 

So that's the plan.... By waiting until Saturday I might soften the blow of what could be really disappointing for this friend of mine. But I at least have to try, the worst thing that could happen is him just saying "No, he wouldn't be interested." or something like that. Or by not replying, nevermind that would be worse.

And who cares if he doesn't want to talk to me! I've got absolutely nothing to lose. I'm at the point that I don't like anybody, again, so clearly my heart has been looking around for someone in that realm to focus on but it probably picked another bad choice simply because of the circumstances.

Jessika never stops uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend Roman. Like they must be continually taking pictures every five minutes when their together because it's like Jessika's trying to say to everyone on facebook, "LOOK! Look how happy we are!" She got lucky, she hooked one, I just couldn't imagine any guy that would be willing to put up with her obnoxiously grotesque, demanding personality. So yeah, in a way it does irk me, admittedly.

I see myself and I think of how much I have to offer-- I'm beautiful, talented, intelligent, I'm a decent cook, I present myself well, I don't have many hangups like other girls... Yet I've been alone for a year and ten months now. My soul feels STARVING for some kind of companionship and it's hard because I'm hardly attracted to anyone. So many things turn me off, ever since I started playing music I have such high standards for myself it's hard to get on that same level with anyone else. 

Speaking of which, I'm taking my guitar to the shop today. There's a music store in town and I'm sure it's open on Tuesdays at 10 AM. If not I give up with this town, I swear. That's really all I've got planned other than some accounting homework, my math assignment... and I should probably read chapter 7 in my legal class too. Typical day.

peace.

54. Maybe it's best to leave it at that. :)

Ello.

At the moment I'm sitting here waiting for my favorite workout video to load. I'm gonna start cramming for my Japanese exam here at 6', hard to believe it's already time for another test. I feel fortunate though, my accounting teacher postponed a big chapter 5 and 7 exam for Tuesday, so I have a lot more time to get this material learned. I understand subsidiary entries for the most part, but it's the closing entries that I have problems with. That and distinguishing the different types of accounts. Nobody said this would be easy, and I think I'm doing well for the most part.

Above is the pilates video that I've been doing the past couple days. It's a really tough one, but you can really feel your abs burning when you do it. I can't even get through the entire thing yet, unfortunately, but if I keep it up I think I can tone my abs better than they are already. Seriously though, my body looks awesome.

I just heard my mom come in. Haven't talked to her all day. Well, haven't talked to really anyone all day except for the typical people at school and Heather. No texts or anything today, but that's alright I don't mind. I've got too much to do tonight to be worrying about anything social. I've really become outgoing, and I'd much rather be doing something or have plans to do something than not.

Right now I've got no real plans for this weekend, but I hope I can see Heather at some point. I'm anticipating a lot of work next week, but for the most part Week eight has been painless. And VERY quick, I can't believe how time is flying by.

Oh! Tomorrow is payday. I'm probably not going to make very much money because of how much I spent on Radcon and gasoline, lets just hope I didn't blow everything.... Gas prices keep creeping up again. I'll post my account balance to tomorrow to keep on top of it. I really want to be able to save to $5000 but the way it's looking now I can barely get above $1000 without spending at least a quarter of my paychecks on gasoline. : ( I need to stop going out so much.

I was able to play Parabola by Tool all the way through for the first time at regular speed, though it still needs a lot of work. Lateralus sounds very perfected now.

peace.

33.

みなさんおやすみ。

I'm just in my room right now. Have been for most of the day today. I did 100 leg lifts and some arm lifts because I ate a bunch of bad calories like cookie sandwiches and junk like that. Not usually something I'd eat, but because of today's sort of funky, isolated schedule I've been sorta bored.

Anyone who knows my life routine might be wondering why I was at home all day. Well, CBC was cancelled today. This was sort of a blessing to me because I wasn't particularily prepared for my accounting test this morning.

Last night was fun. The concert was supposed to start at 6' but Tyler picked me up at about 5' in his big rig. It was still snowing outside, and the roads are frozen over with a sheet of snow. Tyler's four-wheel drive green SUV didn't slide at all the entire way. He's lucky to have that thing, even if it probably burns through gasoline really quickly. I was sort of blazed when he came and got me, but I doubt he noticed much. We talked a little bit about school and other stuff going on in our lives right now. Not much changes. Sometimes we subtley flirt with eachother but anymore I don't think either of us have that same attraction toward eachother. Well, he never really liked me that much in the first place. At least he didn't in highschool, a little bit more as we got older though. For the most part, though, me and Tyler's relationship has consisted of being of us arguing, then randomly making out, maybe having a decent conversation here or there, and then arguing again. Yet somehow, four years later, we're now closer than we've ever been friendship wise.

Anyway, I expected Theory of a Deadman to suck but they actually didn't put on a bad show. Their song order was pretty bad though... Like, they got the crowd going with their first song, it was really fast and uptempo, and after everyone had waited like, I'm not even kidding, FORTY-FIVE minutes for them to start up after their openning bands, everyone was in a pretty pumped mood. If they would of played upbeat songs the whole time it would of been a lot better. But instead, they played two sloooow ass acoustic songs back to back and were never able to get that same energy. By the end of the show I was definately ready for it to be over. Actually to be honest by the third song I was ready for it to be over but at the same time I really wanted to have a good time so I sort of forced it. But overall, yes, had a pretty good time and jumped around with a bunch of pissed off drunk rednecks.

I didn't see ONE person I knew there. There was the typical 16 year old girl groups that show up to all of these things, but the actual fans of the band were guys that reminded me of Chad Vaughn. Guys that look like they have 10 year old kids. People weren't very riled up though because it was a Wednesday. weird day to have a concert.

The lead singer seemed sort of gay. No, I don't mean in the derogatory sense because I never say "oh that's gay." I mean in the sense that he probably catches gay. I at least got that vibe, which is so ironic because his music is supposed to be so testosterone-y and you know almost all of their diehard fans are straight, white men. This actually reminds me of Rammstein. Till's totally gay and Rammstein has the same audience here in America.

Omg, I cannot escape the random IMs on facebook and it's pissing me off. Sometimes I just don't want to talk but I leave my messanger on so I can talk to Samantha or something.

And of course my computer almost freezes up right there.

ugh.

peace.

Numbers might make me feel more stable.

Today is just another day.

This is the first sober blog I've done in awhile. Actually I'm intending on being sober for the next week.. at least until Friday. I really need to focus or I'm going to be screwed. Katelynn came over last night so of course I had to introduce her to the new vaporizor, but of course I didn't get anything done last night either. Today is different though, I can't afford for it not to be.

I've got some stuff to get done. Gotta do all those Japanese Kanji worksheets, study the new grammar, do accounting homework, and last but not least make flashcards for my Visual Basic vocabulary. I can do that, right? Right. Plan. Lets go. No more facebook for the rest of the day, it just makes me more depressed. I want to kick this depression and maybe studying will help. Today is the third day I've felt this way. At least there's no work-work until Thursday.

peace.

I'm using this picture as my first cover on the stupid facebook timeline. I switched to it to try it out and now it's not letting me switch back. How sad.