There has to be a better future being created here.

Helllllloooo....

Today is the 12th of January, this month has been flying by already but I've been keeping on top of my schoolwork and stuff I need to do really well for the most part. Aside from applying for internships. However I didn't have much of a gameplan until now but I'm now thinking of goals to set in place to start the application process.

First of all, Katharine sent me a bunch of her old cover letters and applications. I'm going to use those as well as advice on Tenerelli's page to figure out how to write a good one. I'm also going to need to demonstrate my ability somehow, and I believe the best way to do this is make some spreadsheets using Excel and R.

I remember using R studio to a degree. My problem is going to be finding company data. Should I attempt to forecast stock value or future profits based on how much a company is taxed? I'm going to have to dig back into my assignments from Wassell's class and that website to remember how to do this. I think if I make a decent portfolio of my abilities I learned in economics and finance classes I'll have a good shot at something. Katharine is right when she says I need to apply for everything and here I've still applied for nothing. 

You guys will never believe how much more efficient my time has become since I stopped smoking like a fiend. I no longer have the anxiety to sit down and do things. The material I'm reading seems way more understandable and I'm able to comprehend it the FIRST time around, saving me hours of wasted time. I'm so glad I quit smoking, so glad. 

And I want this blog entry to be a reminder for myself in the future next time I want to pick up that habit. Part of me is afraid of the potential to fall back into it after I get my anti-anxiety medication but I think after all this positive re-enforcement and what is likely to come in the next couple weeks I won't ever be taking those horrible gravity hits again, especially not on a regular basis.

When I talked to my mom on the phone earlier I talked a lot about regretting the past. Regretting the time I could have spent really taking in the material. She just told me that I did the best I could, I'm definitely not the first person to have gone through college stoned,  and that I still have these next 6 months to make major change in my life to prepare for... well.... Life.

I'm 23. Do I know exactly what career I want to have? No. But am I confident about my intelligence and ability to work hard in the future? Yes.

I just keep thinking of how badly I want my anti-anxiety medication too. It sucks having had it for 18 days and then abruptly cut off when it was helping me quit but if they had never cut me off I might have never quit at all.


Okay this is all I've been talking about lately so I'm going to talk about something else. 

I watched Bob's Burgers this morning. I wish they'd upload the new season.

Since I've quit drugs I've stopped watching as many TV shows about hard drugs, the ones that were probably making me feel less guilty for the way I was living.

Marshall Marshall Marshall. He finally hit his breaking point of having to go outside last night. Luckily I had slept a great deal on Sunday because my ass was hungover so NOT sleeping last night was not detrimental. However annoying he can be at times. He was squeeling at me at around midnight and I tried to feed him, pet him, gave him some catnip, etc... but nothing was shutting him up. He would stop for like 15 minutes then start again.

At around 2 am I finally just got up, put on my sweats and a robe and took him outside. There was snow on the ground but he was more than happy to run around in circles and under the deck sniffing everything. I stood out there for about 10 min before I nervously got him back inside. Once he was back in he was meowing at the top of his lungs again so I just had to let him do his thing. Thankfully I was able to let him back in this morning safe and sound. He seems a lot more relaxed now that he's getting a chance to roam around more.

He still hasn't interacted much with my roommate's fluffy cat Kiki though. That'll be funny to see when they start playing.

Night guys.

peace.

Creating moderation for *myself* for once...

Cutting back on something that you think keeps you happy (and motivated to do things) can be a difficult process; a process that I started yesterday in order to get a better handle on my life.

I feel like my weed consumption hit a plateau recently... I mean the combination of not working, feeling stressed about my accounting class, arguments with my family, etc.. sort of drove me to looking for ways to escape depression but I'm almost certain now it was making it worse. I felt like my thought clarity wasn't as good as it could be which gave me this insatiable feeling that I could be doing so much better and probably feel more successful if I'd just cut this crap out.

I did get in a big argument with my parents the other day that made me feel extremely sad and worthless-- feelings that I continually bring about myself, again probably subconsciously dealing with the fact that I'm addicted to something and feel unable to stop it regardless of consequences that could potentially ensue if I continued this road.

I've just gotten lazy... My car and room is almost always a mess because I'm so focused on trying to accomplish large projects that I will allow myself to spend hours and hours doing because it's comfortable. Sitting around playing guitar and doing art is what I do for fun. I smoke marijuana and it enhances my creativity and focus on my artwork and guitar playing-- to some extent.. The last year I'm sure it's actually zapped a lot of my inspiration to play in the first place because I've been doing it too much.

Back in 2012, I remember practicing guitar for 3 hours a day, still managed to get good grades and had a job at Rite Aid. I remember smoking maybe 4-5 bowls a day and it seemed to be the perfect equilibrium of using it to my advantage but still having the clarity to do well in school and at work.

That is the level of smoking that I'm at right now and plan to stay which is a huge improvement from where I was before. I tried essentially quit cold turkey yesterday (going from my regular smoking once about every hour regularly to only smoking twice in one day) and was a complete bitch to everyone and I was fucking miserable, not gonna lie.

BUT ALAS...

When I was studying my accounting book yesterday I noticed a huge difference in clarity. Today I was able to finish my homework in three hours instead of the regular alllllll day ordeal. When I'm sober it's easier to remember basic mathematics formulas used in accounting...

This quarter is coming down to the wire. My final is around the 30th, there's only 3 more chapters in my book and I've still got time to really study and knip this shit in the butt and pull a solid B in that class. It's just a matter of doing the hard work and keeping in the right state of mind. And that goes for the rest of my time in college.

I mean I've only got two quarters left and I'm coming to serious crossroads and decisions in my life. Do I really want to remember my entire college experience at Central as being stoned? Because honestly I feel like the combination of stress/anxiety that came with my classes and having the freedom to do whatever I want allowed me to bury my head in the sand and let it become a more and more frequent habit where whatever I wanted to do in my mind it'd be better if I was stoned..... when ironically I'm sure it what was causing a lot of the anxiety and depression in the first place.


Yeah that's really all I've got to say. I know it might come to a surprise that I would talk so openly about this problem but what better time than when I'm no longer in denial of it and am willing to make the changes?

peace.

First tests, check. new friend!!! : )

I've had a pretty good couple of days.

Oh, look it's about time for my roommate's nap in the living room. This morning she snapped at me again when I knocked on the door to the bathroom. Lol, I am going to have no problem not talking to her for the rest of the year. Then when we move out at the end of the year I will say to her, "I hope you had so much fun here!" Fun watching TV and doing nothing all day.

Yesterday was my first econ quiz and I got 35/36, that's way better than I've ever done on one of his tests, I'm pretty sure the best I did last quarter was an 88%. I'm also almost certain that I did well on my statistics test. Doing well on tests makes me feel like my time was spent productively this past week.

Today I have an impromptu speech in my Speech class. I'm in a good mood today so I feel I will do well. The topics are really broad and basic, like what are you going to do this summer, talk about your favorite music, etc... These topics are unfortunately extremely broad so it's almost harder for me to come up with something specific. I'm bringing my index cards and will have almost the whole class period to look it over before I have to present. I just have to pretend that I'm talking to a webcam and I'll be fine.

I also have that Chapter 18 speech and an interview project that I have to get done. This is exactly like the speech class I took at columbia basin college. I'm just hoping I can pull a better grade this quarter but to be honest I've barely read my speech book at all. After I get offline here I'm going to read the section on impromptu speeches and see if I can pick up some tips on it.

That class is just annoying to me sort of like English 102... I tend to put writing assignments off until about the last minute to avoid having to rewrite it several times. I'm too much of a perfectionist to really enjoy a speech or a writing class because it's impossible to know what the professor is going to think of your work. There's no concrete right or wrong answers.. Like with my stupid Exotic animal final that apparently got me a B (not even a B+) in my English class-- I thought it was good!! 

Terry continues to impress me. Today he skipped economics class to study for his statistics test. That shows me that it means a lot to him and that he's very good at managing his time. I lended him my 4-function calculator today but Sipic was super nice to bring a bunch of extras anyways. Ha ha in so many classes I've been in it's like, forgot the right kind of calculator? Well you're SOL! hahaha

I met this pretty badass guy named Evan A. yesterday. I've basically been texting eachother and talked on the phone for about 2 1/2 hours. We have a ton in common and I think we're going to be really good friends. He drives and isn't working currently so he's really excited to come up here and hang out with me. He's sang in some bands before, plays a little guitar, and is best friends with Aaron M.

Lol, Aaron and I aren't friends on facebook. I'm pretty sure I've tried to add him before but either got denied or deleted, some people keep their facebook friends lists kind of exclusive. I don't, I find too many people fascinating and I don't delete anyone unless they're spamming continually and I don't know them. Basically I'm sure Aaron's only memory of me is that I am Mrs. Wilson's daughter and that I took lessons from him and didn't practice.... lol.

But anyway!! YEAH, me and Evan!!! lol We're going to be good friends!! We know similar people, on top of it, so we'll always have stuff to talk about. 

That's a blessing, definitely. Ever since I lost Katelynn I've felt like there was something missing in my life. A best friend to smoke with? Perhaps. Katharine and Samantha aren't smokers, though I consider them my best friends as well. And Ashley B. is one of my best friends... but also my councilor in a lot of ways. Like because she's older than me she's been through a lot, and has taught herself coping skills to deal with a lot of the difficult emotions that I've been through such as depression and anxiety.

So I'm pretty blessed for friends.. I'm so lucky and I always have to remind myself that when things get hard.

peace. 

My heart has killed me all weekend....

I'm thankful this weekend is almost over. It's been so hard, I actually bought a bottle of wine at Rite aid today to help take the edge off all these emotions I've been going through.

This is the first day in years that I haven't smoked at all. Smoking was my ultimate escape in the tri-cities before I had this panic problem. Since I've moved to Ellensburg and feel isolated, the feeling marijuana gives me is more creepy, lonely (and oftentimes panicky). For that reason, though I'm not saying I'm completely quitting, I am trying to avoid it for the most part unless I'm in an extremely good mood and think I can handle it. This weekend, I certainly cannot handle it. If I smoked now I'm pretty sure I would just break down and cry again.

Marijuana capitalizes on your emotions. If you're feeling relaxed, it makes you feel sooo relaxed. If you're feeling happy, it can sometimes make you feel more imaginative and excited. But God forbid you should try to calm yourself down if you're feeling anxious or scared, absolutely not. It can make you feel like you're heart is beating so fast you're going to die. It can make you feel like the whole world is crumbling in around you.

For that reason, because of my feelings lately, I've been avoiding it for the most part.. I just don't feel I can handle it in my current situation.

I've only been in Ellensburg for what, 12 days? And I already feel like I want to escape. I didn't feel like this getting here initially but I think the sadness has had a number of factors that have dawned on me this weekend. Feeling sad and having too much time to brew in that emotion can make a person feel as though they're in prison.

I must have cried at least 10 times yesterday, if not more. I felt like I wanted to go out but had nobody to go with. I felt lonely because of the Jack situation; even though we really have nothing to do with eachother in the first place. I guess I liked the fact that I had someone to like, even if it was more or less a fantasy because nothing ever works out between us. It's kind of  a pathetic situation either way. Feeling vulnerable to the emotions associated with him makes me feel embarrassed and shameful, which in turn makes me depressed.

Oh on top of that, I did something very ballsy that led me to feeling even more rejected than before. You know how I added that guy Alan that I'd met the other day on facebook... I thought we had a pretty good conversation and I thought I'd throw out there that it'd be cool to see him again. So I sent him a message saying "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you the other day but I honestly don't spend too much time hanging around campus. Would you maybe want to grab some coffee sometime?" He viewed it and didn't reply. Why do I even bother. 

Allie was texting me last night after she flaked on our plans that day and when I asked what she was doing she told me she was "taking care of drunk people." So she was out and about doing something at least. Last night I sat around the house and watched Matilda. 

I tried getting ahold of Jessie but she was on a date. 

I just feel like I don't have the opportunity to spend time with anyone here. I really am trying to make friends so I can get out more but it just hasn't happened yet. I've been here for four months now, I haven't been to any of the bars here or really been around Ellensburg at all. I've spent almost every day studying hard, practicing, and wishing things would improve.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to relax, accept things as the way they are and be happy with my current circumstances. It feels like throughout my life though things have gotten better from year to year but I always thought being at a university would be a time in my life where I wouldn't be going through this sort of underlying depression and anxiety. It makes me think I chose the wrong school which makes me feel a great amount of regret, yet at the same time would I have been able to handle living as far away from my parents as say in Spokane or Bellingham? Probably not. 

I'm just so lonely. So very, very lonely here. Sometimes I feel like coming to Central was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Especially when I see pictures of kids at other universities with their new friends going to school events and having great times... I don't want it to be like that though. I see other people enjoying it here and having social lives, why can't I? 

Coming to this school as a Junior and having no real interest in most school activities is the main reason I'm in this position. The guitar is my safety blanket, I have to play every day or I feel disgusted and anxious. My grades are something I take pride in and I have to study a great deal to reach the standards and goals I've set for myself. That being said, a huge amount of my time is spent studying and playing the guitar instead of say, sitting around in the SURC and BS'ing with people... which would be nice occasionally but when I don't know anybody getting lunch or coffee or anything in the SURC usually entails sitting alone, looking around awkwardly, quickly eating whatever slop they served me there and getting out. 

Here I am crying again. I'm going to pray, ask God to help me in these hard times. Today was a little easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I hope.. I really do, this weekend has been so lonely for me and I'm so thankful that I have family and friends back home to help me through these rough times.

peace. 

34. From redneck rafting to redneck sledding down concrete hills.

This weekend has been a freaking blast, to the point that I haven't been able to write much.

I luckily got all my work done today, Sunday, of course. But I don't regret having fun on the weekends if I'm still maintaining good grades. God, I need to take it easy on myself once in awhile.

There's a lot to say but I'll keep it short because I've gotta go to bed pretty soon. I feel sort of sick today, probably from my lack of sleep last night and being out in the cold for hours on end on Friday. I'll just talk about Friday first and post the pictures and then maybe I'll talk about Saturday tomorrow when I'm at school or something.

After Cece told me what she had to deal with during the weekends when she's stuck at her Mom's house, I thought I'd give her a place to stay for 24 hours or so. Granted, if it was my apartment I'd be open to letting someone stay as they like but it's my parents place and they don't like people being over too long, even if they're as incredibly helpful to have around like Cece is.

She did my nails almost immediately when she came over. I was in my room playing the guitar when she came up, and I played a couple songs before putting it up. She seemed really enthusiastic and brought her own nailpolish and everything. So I figured, what the Hell, haven't done manicures and pedis since I was ten! She did a pretty nice job. In the picture it looks like my toenails are yellow but they're a lot more clear than it appears. Anyway, I thought it was a really sweet gesture.

Mitch came over at about 6'. This picture was actually taken after sledding, nothing we took outside came out clear enough. With Lindy, it's pretty hard to make clear plans, so we (Mitch, Cece and I) enjoyed flying down that hill at the end of the road. Unfortunately, though, they installed a couple poles in the middle of the jump spot that look like a major safety hazzard if you were to run into one, so we decided that spot wasn't fantastic. We then walked up to the middle school where Lindy said her group was, and Lindy told us that they were inside Alice's house because they'd been sledding for a long time and were too cold to do it anymore.

Note, this was after Mitch, Cece and I had walked around for what seemed like hours to locate Lindy and her group because they kept changing places, I continued to try and make plans work. We ended up meeting at the middle school in the long run after walking in a bunch of circles, but the hills were dull. Luckily, there was a road covered in perfect sheet ice that we could fly down, which turned out to be a complete blast. Once we got the group together it was Lindy, Connor Clayton, Omar Alvarado, Alice, Chloe, Mitch, Eugene, Cece, and I. It was actually one of the best times I've had in awhile flying down that road.

Some guy in a truck kept on driving past us, and we literally thought he was stalking us and some wanted to bail because of it, but it just turned out he was lost and needed directions to Dusty road.

I love this picture.

After sledding we went back to my place where I made everyone tea. Originally people were like "Ehh..." because the original plan was hot chocolate. Too bad we only had one packet of hot chocolate left.

Mitch and I making drinks. This was actually a great idea, who doesn't like a hot drink after being out in the cold for hours. It would be been better if it was hot chocolate and schnaps but two of the girls that were there were 15 and giving alcohol to a 15 year old is NOOO bueno.

Age isn't hugely important to me because I really just want everyone to have fun, but at the same time I feel very uncomfortable when girls that are actually younger than my sister are at my house. But hey they're Lindy's friends and as long as they aren't doing anything illegal around me then it's okay.

Mitch, Eugene, Cece and I (Cece was spending the night) all hung out after everyone left. I wanted to give Eugene and Mitch a taste of that vaporizor, as they smoked me out a few times over the summer and I owed them one. Mitch and Eugene seemed pretty blazed to begin with, but it was a cool end cap for the night. We listened to Perfect Circle, and I've GOT to buy some of their CDs. Mitch actually played along with them while we were sitting around, it was awesome.

Cece doesn't smoke, but she said she was fine with it earlier. Well, fine with it until her asthema takes over. But what doesn't make sense to me is how does she get an asthma attack from smoking fumes in the air yet doesn't when insence is burning next to her? Who knows. Anywho, I figured she'd be fine because a vaporizor doesn't make fumes particularily, though it smells a little wet, but it doesn't even compare to the smoke that comes off a full sized bong or even a spoon pipe. She was fine, but I sent the guys home around 11' so I wouldn't push it with my mom.

I have to admit, though I've heard some horror stories about some stupid things he's done, Omar is a fun person to hang out with and I am really happy he came. He really lightened up the mood with his random comments about conspiracies. Very weird.

Anyway, I need to do a little cardio before bed. I will tell you all about my experience with Jessika last night tomorrow. My nose is super runny and I should call it an early night.

peace. 

The type of dream that you're relieved when you wake up.

God, I had an awful dream. I'm gonna write it so I don't forget it and hopefully figure out what it means.

I was babysitting, and took a nap. When I woke up, Maddie and Andrew were gone. I searched the house, yelling out their names, and when I realized they were gone called their parents and they were home immediately. The dream then skipped to a hotel, where there was this kind looking woman who was standing there smiling, saying that the "children were in there..". A policeman openned the door and the woman said that she killed them and cut off their limbs (Note that I had just seen a southpark episode where they had done the same thing).
I immediately took it upon myself, saying that if I hadn't of been sleeping she wouldn't of been able to lure them out of the house somehow. Apparently, she said she'd done it with pizza. It was a horrible feeling, and I was crying all the time. Skipping to the highschool for some reason. This one hispanic gay guy got out of a truck being driven by Troy C.'s Mom. He was this one guy that walks around CBC wearing really flamboyant clothes and has his eyebrows perfectly manicured. Very obviously gay. He comes up to me and we hug, as if we know eachother really well and haven't seen eachother in a long time.
He goes, "Are you a gossip? Suddenly everyone in the school knows that I'm gay and I only told you!"
And I responded, "Well, maybe I told one friend of mine but he lives in Pasco so the news couldn't of spread here.."
He then tells me that Sarah V. knows, and that she said she heard it from me, and told all of her friends. So then I tell him, "You know, I'm had a really horrible day, and don't want to talk about this." Apparently refering to the babysitting situation.
This is where the dream gets really weird. For some reason, at the school I sat down with a bunch of mormon people, all wearing missionary outfits. I told Joe Lloyd, my friend Adam's dad, about what had happened and he counciled me on it. I told him that I cared about these kids more then any other kids I could think of.
The mormons apparently made a decorative... chair covered in psalms that they were going to sell at the school regardless of seperation of church and state. [[this part of the dream makes really no sense to me, but me and Katelynn did see missionaries riding their bikes on our way to Wal mart]].

So that's the dream, I'm going to try to define it.
For the first part of the dream where these kids that I care about get murdered because of my carelessness...

1. A killer in dreams represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.

2. Dreams about hotels refer to a new unusual state of mind or a shift in your usual paradigm. I feel that lately, with the sudden lack of interest in Japanese things, I've been more into rock music and have taken up the guitar again. For some reason, the guitar now feels more comfortable, and I can play without getting bored.

3. Dreaming about pizza can suggest a feeling of prevailance over a feeling of deprevation or of something you wish to accomplish.

For a long time I've wanted to go back to playing the guitar, and it felt right to me. Though pizza was only refered to in my dream, it very much makes sense now. Literally i've been staring at that guitar for weeks going, "I should really start playing again sometime.."

So overall, this part of the dream tells me that I'm worried about how much I've been smoking and that I should lay off because it's causing paranoia. It also has made me realize that playing the guitar is a new interest, and is more appealing to me than it's ever been.

Moving on to part 2 of the dream, where I'm at the highschool and get in an arguement.

1. To dream about gossip means you are only doing something that will hinder your progress.

OBVIOUSLY this refers to smoking, being depressed AND my sudden stop in studying japanese. I still want to learn Japanese as a second language, and know that I can do it, so I need to keep studying hard and trying. But I really feel like this is about smoking because it's one thing that will only set me back.

2. Dreaming about homosexual people when you are straight can represent lack of self confidence about the opposite sex.

This definately makes sense considering that I went to the park yesterday and hung out with two couples. Admittedly, this made me very lonely. It was Rachelle and her bf, and samantha and shawn. They are nice people, and made sure to incorporate me into things so I wouldn't feel like the 5th wheel, but it's still pretty awkward.
I do have lack of confidence about the opposite sex. I feel like I'm always the girl that is "okay", but he feels like he could do better. The fact that I oftentimes think I'm unattractive and lower my standards because I feel like any guy that is "normal" wouldn't like me is definately what the random appearance of a homosexual guy that I don't know in person is about.

Moving on to the last weird part about the mormons...

There is no definition for thinking about mormons or missionaries, so I'm going to use cult. I know that word itself has a bad connoctation, but if you look at the definition of cult it fits.

1. To see a cult in your dream can represent that you have yet to arise to spiritual freedom.

This makes a lot of sense for me because I am still very much afraid of death, as well as the idea of the afterlife. I am not convinced that there is an afterlife, nor do I sincerely believe in Jesus Christ or any religion as much as I'd like too.

2. To see a chair in your dream symbolizes you need to sit down and contemplate a situation before proceeding. Or, it can also mean that you need to relax.

I'm not sure in either case on this one. Based on the fact that I've been through depression recently would make sense that I need to relax and take things one step at a time. It's depressing that I don't have a job, but I need to relax and take things one step at a time until I have one.

That's it with the dream. I'm so glad I wrote that down and got it out of my system, though I am still disturbed slightly by it. I know now that I am subconciously disturbed by the amount that I've been smoking lately, and need to cut back on it. I also know that this new interest in the guitar again is a good thing for me and I need to keep playing because it gives me a productive mental escape.

It's morning. I'm sitting in bed, it's almost 10 am. I'm eating haribo speghetti candy from last night. They're sour and yummy, but I'm pretty sure I've eaten the 150 empty calorie serving and should stop and go get some real food. They're making my fingers sticky.

Me and katelynn made a huge mess of the kitchen and I think I'm going to clean it up to make my mom happy after I eat breakfast. She's had a long week, so probably won't be up and going for another hour and a half or so. I'm going to play guitar and watch some TV, then I gotta study for finals. Yep, today is going to be a productive day hopefully.

yours,

emily

I've been smoking with my friend to get away from the stresses in my life, but my mom says substance abuse can lead me on a very bad path. Honestly, though, last night the depression had sort of come to a halt when I was with my friend, and we smoked to enjoy our time instead of getting anything out of our heads. I told her that I was nervous about what my mom said, and then I considered the people that smoke and party on a daily basis and let it interfere with their schoolwork... or don't go to school at all, and sit around and get high. When I do smoke, I do it responsibly. I do it when I don't have school or anything like that. I currently don't have a job, but I wouldn't if I had one.
Now that I know that this fear is imbedded inside of me, I need to cut back on smoking.
This could ALSO have to do with the Japanese thing, and how I have suddenly "lost interest" due to working for that horrendous korean woman. My mom was asking me, "So are you going to drop Japanese III or what?" I think maybe I don't want to let it go, but have been just turned off, for now because of the circumstances involved.