Too much damn disappointment for one summer.

This summer has been hard. I keep feeling like I'm coming close to something good happening and then it doesn't happen.

I've been trying to stay optimistic because it stresses out my family when I'm sad. It's just hard not to be sad when I feel like I've been forced to face being let down time and time again. I'm praying to God for inner peace and to have a job in the upcoming two weeks just so I can get my mind off what I feel like I'm missing.

I started talking to someone earlier this week and we were making some pretty strong implications that we'd hang out today and maybe float the river. I guess I didn't make things clear enough because this morning when I offered to pick him up on the way back from dropping off an application in Pasco he said he had to help his friend move. I was like, "Okay well would you want to make some solid plans for tomorrow then?" and he brushed me off a second time.

I went on his profile and found that 20 hours ago he saw his ex. Pretty transparent what happened here and now he doesn't want to bother spending time with me. Fabulous.

Whatever, I don't care. I'm still more beautiful, talented and intelligent. Someone will appreciate that eventually. I just didn't anticipate feeling lonely this summer. And I'm not saying I haven't been doing stuff with friends almost every day-- I've felt super fortunate in this regard and it's been nice to see as many people as I have already. But as much as I try to suppress it I just feel that nausea in the pit of my stomach every so often that tells me "You're so alone." when I see my friends and their boyfriends and wondering what my problem is.

peace.

Needless to say I've been listening to a ton of metal today. Listen to this awesome intro riff, I would love to learn it once I get better at my sweeps. 

Metal will always carry my soul away if I'm in pain

Annoying log-in problems has made posting difficult.

Okay, I was finally able to merge my gmail accounts so that I can log in to my blog using my primary address. For some reason I'd still had it set to my hotmail account and couldn't remember the password. Anyway, you'll be seeing more posts from me from here on out. Finally.

Today is June 17th. The last week of school was incredibly stressful and moving back home was crazy. Joel and I ended on a rather shitty note and I'm just happy to be back home, even if in less than 24 hours I've successfully made both of my parents really mad at me.

Before I tell you guys why I'll talk a little about my last week of school.

The forecasting project that I thought I was more than ready for turned out to be the total pits. I can't tell you how many hours I spent trying to finish that thing. It was so frustrating because it didn't have to be that way if I had just picked a more predictable dataset in the first place. I originally tried forecasting propane sales by using this weekly data that had over a thousand observations and no obvious seasonality. I'd done about half of the project when Wassell told me the data needed to be seasonally adjusted before I could model it. The adjustment didn't help me and I decided to switch datasets altogether.

What made having to redo the project twice even harder was that Joel was already finished with his project and was able to study for the ETS exam with Logan the econ tutor that night. Joel ended up getting in the 96th percentile, which is fantastic. I got in the 86th which is better than I'd expected. If you look at the distribution curve on this exam there are more people in the 50th-60th range so I did better than 86% of other college econ kids across the country which I felt quite accomplished with.

Seeing that test score made me feel more confident in having made the right decision to be an economics major. It really proves that I learned a lot about business, the economy and scarcity instead of just regurgitated information for tests.

That night after my last exam I went out with my neighbors Gabby and Een for Een's birthday. He hadn't been out to the Ellensburg bars before so we tried to pick the best bars to avoid making him feel awkward (no 301, ha ha). We went to the Tav, Starlight and Shooters. We shared a pitcher at the Tav but the rest of the night I was drinking tequila, mainly because my mind was completely zonked after staying up all night to study for the ETS and tequila makes me feel awake and fun (ha ha). 

Going to the Shooters was the last time I saw Joel. He was surrounded by a couple trashy looking girls and I just stepped right between them and started talking. The girls kind of gave me a look and I just laughed in their face. Right, like your skinny ass in that tiny dress when it's 50 degrees outside and windy deserves my respect? Joel looked drunk but I offered to buy him a drink so I could close my tab. 

When I asked the bartender for a tequila+lemonade and a rum+diet he looked at Joel and was like, "It's not for him, is it?" I didn't say anything because I knew Joel had probably been ordering them all night and if I was smart should have ordered something else (or nothing for him at all). The bartender then looked at Joel, pointed at the door and said "Get out." and Joel starts arguing and asking why. The bartender just kept saying, "I don't need to tell you why. Get out." It was kind of embarrassing. I mean guys get kicked out of bars all the time but he always seems to go overboard. 

We didn't talk after that night. I'd tried to get ahold of him multiple times to see him one last time before I left but he ignored me completely. It made leaving Ellensburg a lot easier. I hate goodbyes in general so maybe it was better we ended this way.

So now I am home! Kind of feeling like a guest here because everything has changed so much, including no longer having my bedroom. I am under a lot of pressure to find a job, and I managed to get a four day gig working cherries for the Edwards but my first day I f*ed up big time. My stupid phone was on silent this morning so I didn't hear my alarm and didn't make it at 4 am like I should have. I lucked out because they didn't work today because of the rain but my parents were both humiliated and extremely mad that I would be so irresponsible. I don't blame them. 

I'm just hoping I can work hard and get back into the groove of things so I don't get yelled at like this every day.. it sucks

peace. 

This week wore me out

Evening to anyone out there reading, it's Saturday June 7th. 

This is the first weekend I've had in awhile that I'm not doing anything and it sucks. But then again that's because the last few weekends I've spent hanging out with Joel so it's probably good that we have a break and he does his own thing tonight. 

Last Wednesday, Matt, Joel and I got together to study, originally having planned to work on forecasting in the library at 5. I went there and worked on the retail project for hours before they showed up. We had our econ midterm the next day and were all feeling the pressure so I was surprised when they weren't there until about 8:30. 

That evening Joel seemed really distant. When we saw eachother we didn't touch or kiss at all. In fact we didn't until he put his hand on my leg in the car and said I was going to do fine on the test I was so nervous about. We then kissed passionately when I dropped him off at home so I felt okay. 

Thursday was test day and that morning I went to Shaw an hour and a half early to finish up. I hadn't taken my Prozac in two days and was taking Wellbutrin instead until I got the refill so I was feeling really on-edge. I sat down with that guy Kyle F. that I thought was cute at the beginning of the quarter who I'd noticed was studying that morning too. 

When I'm desperately trying to cram information into my head I don't like chit chatting. Usually the morning before a test I'll be wearing earplugs just to fully focus on what I need to remember instead of getting distracted by ambient sound or other people's conversations. When we were sitting there Kyle kept on talking, like reading to himself and every so often going "Oooh! Did you know that [insert random fact from the questions he's working on while I have earplugs in and am trying to study my own shit]..?" And I'd pull my earplug and be like "What?...oh yeah sure, whatever.." I was in the zone, I didn't want to be bugged. 

Joel walked up and sat with us at about 8:30 and they started talking and talking. I felt myself having to re-read things over and over so at one point I pretty nervously said to Kyle: "Hey, I'm sorry I get distracted really easily, can you not like... read aloud to yourself?" and Joel turns and says, "Uhh translation shut the hell up.."

Kyle just grinned at me like "Well that's you, I'm going to do whatever the Hell I want. What you want me to leave?" I'm sure my eyes got really wide and I'm like, "No..? I didn't mean you had to stop talking entirely I just meant when you read to yourself it's kind of hard to focus..." and then there was this long, awkward silence. I felt like such a dork for saying anything.

I guess maybe to get my mind off them I reached into my backpack and grabbed a bag of popcorn, set it on the table and ate a couple pieces. Joel looks at me and says impersonating me, "Uhm Emily I get distracted really easily and when you're eating that popcorn it's making it really hard for me to focus." Kyle's like "Nice." Again making me feel like a complete dork. I ended up leaving early to go get coffee. 

So yeah it wasn't a great morning before the test but I did get a lot of studying done. I think I did alright on the test itself, it's really hard to tell because it was hard. We have the ETS exam next Thursday that I know I'll be doing a ton of studying for this week.

Yesterday aside from going to Carbaugh's class to get information about the test I didn't do much. I slept a lot, played guitar and worked out in the evening. Today I slept in really late and did a ton of art. I think my body is just trying to recharge from how hard I've had to work this last week.

Anyway this next week is the final stride. Just have to do my forecasting project and the ETS exam. I'm hoping Joel and I continue to spend time together regardless of acting kind of weird and distant from eachother in the past few days. 

peace. 

Last regular week, I can barely believe it.

Evening everyone, it's 10:52 pm, last Tuesday of the last week of regular class this quarter.

Next week of course is finals week but because I won't have class while I'm studying for the ETS exam and doing my forecasting project, this week feels like the last. I've written out my plan of action to finish this quarter strong and I'm feeling confident in my ability to do so if I stay strong and don't let burnout take control.

That shouldn't be a problem this quarter. Regardless of the fact that I've worked extremely hard, these past few weeks have been probably more fun than what I'd normally be having in the summer. Hanging out with  Joel and his friends has made schoolwork and my weekends much more enjoyable. I still like him as much as when we started hanging out but I really have to continually remind myself that it's temporary.

This isn't even something I have to worry about when I'm sober, either... When I'm sober our "relationship" is clear-- That he's not my boyfriend, we're just spending time together in college (thus should not try to hold hands in public, etc) and there's probably little to no chance we'll see eachother this summer, if ever again. But when I've been drinking and we're hanging out for hours and hours on end things get kind of fuzzy.

Sunday night we'd both had a couple beers and met up at his place. The plan was to come back to my place and study. Honestly when I'd got to his house I was feeling pretty goofy, enough so to have got my yoga pants caught in my bike chain about four times on the way there. When we were walking back together through campus I grabbed his hand (which I figured was fine, considering we'd held hands before when we go out but then again he was probably drunk...) and he sort of shook it off. Like, 'no, not cool.'

We walked back together most of the way but when we got to Brooklane I kind of bolted ahead of him. Like I started speedwalking and he didn't keep up so I kept going. When we got back he thought I was mad at him. I think part of me was.

One morning I'd made a comment that my study habits have gotten worse "since we started dating.." and he said "I wouldn't say we're dating."

So there you go, nevermind. Apparently spending almost every day of the last three weeks together still wouldn't constitute as "dating." It's fine, I've still really enjoyed his company and will hopefully continue to until school is over. We work really well together and he's extremely complimentary of me so it's been nice having him around but we've obviously spent too much time together lately and I was starting to get the wrong ideas.


Today I did a solid 3 hours of econ studying for my midterm the day after tomorrow. I also had an AWESOME grocery shopping trip today. I was able to get all of this at Bargain market for only $46:

If I'm able to cook and eat as I have the past week-- innovative to run down my actual stock of food, this could be enough to last me until I move out. I'm not sure the exact date of that but I know I really need to start job hunting. I can't have another summer where I'm unemployed for the first four weeks of being back, that sucked last year. 

Man, I'd honestly love to go work on the farm this year. I know that's kind of fucked up to say with what happened to my Dad and never really getting an apology from Grandma about it but I need the money and me and Ty really don't have beef with eachother anymore. I mean trust me, I hate what Ty did to my Dad kicking him off the farm. Ty owns the farm completely now and it would be really hard for me to deal if he got mad and started yelling at me or something... Though somehow I couldn't picture him doing that if my Dad wasn't around to rile him up. 

I'm going to message my aunt and see if Graham's planning on working this summer.

peace. 

You make this easier

Awesome day

....for a number of reasons. First of all, I was able to finish my forecasting assignment that I spent nearly 5 hours on yesterday not knowing if I'd be able to finish it on time and I did. Second because Joel is here sticking this crap out with me that I haven't had to do it alone. My friend Sasa has helped me a lot on this assignment so I'm going to do a drawing for him.

I did a lot of drawing today. The drawing of my aunt Traci is going really well and because it looks so good I've been trying to squeeze in drawing time whenever possible. School has been super demanding because we're coming close to the end-- only this week, next week and "finals week" (I have one final in econ). The light at the end of the tunnel for this incredibly challenging quarter (even with 10 credits) is finally near which feels incredible. 

I met my mom in Yakima today and we had lunch. She's convinced I have pink eye and made an appointment for me at the optometrist tomorrow. I didn't think it looked that bad and that it would go away on it's own but I guess not. I'm planning on getting some new glasses tomorrow too..

Here's a picture of Joel sleeping on my couch.

It's almost 2 am. I'm going to be completely useless tomorrow unless I go to bed.

peace. 

I can't compete with Hawaii

I can't say "I HATE Hawaii", because hello, it's f*cking gorgeous there.

Unfortunately it feels like a planet away from the Tri-cities and that's where Joel is moving in the next month.

Joel is amazing. The main reason I haven't been writing as much was the extreme stress and depression I was dealing with at the beginning of this month thinking nothing in my life was ever going to change. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I didn't go out and have fun for weeks before Joel and I met. I generally spent most friday and saturday nights drawing, playing guitar and drinking beer. I was so bored. 

Then all of a sudden this f*cking incredible guy comes into my life who really likes me. Like he tells me all the time how beautiful and perfect I look, how impressed he is by my intelligence and talent, he likes my cooking...(lol). We like watching the exact same kinds of TV shows-- fucked up people and adult cartoons like Family Guy and King of the Hill. He's been watching King of the Hill for years and we just sit and quote shows and laugh our asses off. 

We've been working our asses off at forecasting and economics the past couple weeks and it's been extremely stressful but just being together makes it fun. It seems like we have fun doing anything and don't get sick of eachother at all. He's cocky as hell and thinks he's hot and knows and says that I'm hot(unlike Terry who I originally was attracted to for a lot of the same qualities). 

He makes me feel happy, special and worthy. He didn't grow up with a mom and hasn't lived at home since he was 16 so he's always so appreciative when I cook awesome food for him. He takes care of himself and works out. He's also very humble and non-judgmental. Like the other night we went over to Kat's house and he was playing around with her autistic son Jet and swinging him around and I've never seen him so happy. 

He's 27 so I know he's thinking about the next stages in his life. He would be an amazing father and he's going to be so handsome for manymanymany more years.... It's like we both think the other one's perfect and he's seen me looking like shit in the morning. 

I'm just not used to these kind of emotions. Part of me is loving everything about this but a huge part of me is also very sad because I know it's not going to last. You know he's going to move to Hawaii with Matt this summer and I'll probably never see or hear from him again. I mean yeah we might kid eachother by texting every so often or send pictures like me and Jack did when he moved up to Ellensburg but I know how that shit works. 

He's going to be living in fucking paradise surrounded by gorgeous, tan women and I'm going to be stuck in the tri cities again trying to find some stupid job and driving back and forth and back and forth and smoking shitty weed. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my life there. In a lot of ways I'm sick of my life here but when I met Joel I've finally felt that satisfaction that I've been longing for these past, what, five years of complete bullshit and garbage from the men I thought I "liked"? 

I was definitely happier alone than with complete morons, that is obvious. But unfortunately now I've realized that I feel happier with Joel then alone. And knowing he's going to be gone in less than a month is quite painful in and of itself but I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts

peace. 

A lot has gone down these past 8 days. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write but I have some interesting news.

First off, let me say that something in R clicked for me. After reviewing the chapter the previous day I was finally able to make progress plotting the datasets on my own. Without Michael spoonfeeding me the answers I was able to catch on to the program pretty quickly, he did me a huge favor cutting me off like that.

Anyway recap to the night of the 8th. I had been texting Ryan A. about how I needed people to work with in forecasting and he said his buddy Matt was in there and sent me his phone number. The next day in Carbaugh's class I introduced myself to Matt C. and his best friend who I'd noticed he's always with, Joel. Joel asked for my number and he said he would text me later when we planned to meet up.

Here's a picture of Matt that was taken this weekend at Starlight. I was there

We all met up around 7' and soon realized Joel and I would be the ones doing the assignment while Matt helped us do research for the 406 papers. Ryan A. was also studying with us and Colby showed up a little later. That night I was on FIRE getting that homework done. I was so relieved that it was finally making sense and I was actually able to help Joel get it too. 

That night we hung out at Matt's house and we smoked and joked around, bounced around questions to get to know them and visa-versa... Matt was an only child and Joel was the youngest of 6. Joel's parents seem a little older because he started living practically independently when he was 16. He dropped out of highschool because he was bored with it and decided to get his GED instead-- apparently *knowing* he wanted to go to college already all along which I think is crazy. I mean to drop out of school and travel around until he was 26 is basically what he did. 

This is Joel in Maui.  He's into surfing and has lived there for weeks at a time before. 

We just clicked really quickly on a lot of our interests. He and I like the same kinds of TV shows exactly-- cartoons and messed up people. We both like going out and dancing. Fitness is a big part of his life like it is mine and he works out almost every day. He plays the drums. 

So yeah this past week we've been spending a lot of time together and it's been fun.. Even if most of it was spent in the library on the mass amount of work and studying required of me when it's this close to the end. The time that we have spent at my house and out this weekend was great too. 

I'm trying to not let myself get too involved emotionally. Joel is graduating in 40 days and moving to Hawaii so it's sort of mutually understood and unspoken that this is temporary. 

peace.