Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

Looks only go so far, homie.

I've come to two realizations:

1. That it is not wise for me to consider dating someone younger than me and...

2. That I shouldn't bother dating guys that have not been in college long enough to have their hookups and partying over with. 

Okay I'll admit now that we're not talking anymore, what a cutie (ha ha ha)! The fact he was into me makes me flattered.

He's just in a different stage of maturity right now, even if he has gone to college for two years. I'm not saying Dalton's immature for a 20 year old, he's normal where his brain might be looking for hot girls with the simplest route to get laid and I'm too much of a challenge. Obviously girls are probably talking to him left and right so when we suddenly stopped talking around 4th of July I figure it's because he met someone else that's maybe a little.... easier. lol.

Alright moving on, probably the last time you'll hear me mention him.

Okay so I've got some exciting news..! 

Finally had the balls to add this girl on facebook. She's pretty damn cute and cool so I was nervous.

 It was funny actually meeting her at Brianna's party because having known Josh I'd wanted to meet her and had previously introduced myself when I worked at JCpenneys (I'd forgotten this and so had she). When we started talking she was like, "Hey did you work at JCPennies?" ..."Yup!!"  ... Ohh then I have met you! I thought it was weird I'd met two Emily's that talked to Josh in college and smoked before math with ... " Ha ha ha.

Tomorrow I'm going into Richland to meet Brianna's boss at Little Caeser's. Brianna is a head crew member there and is going to put in a good word to get me a job there. What's great about this job is that I know at least five of the employees-- Brianna's cousin Tawnee, Josh F., Josh's girlfriend Melanie, their friend Irina, and Josh's sister who unfortunately the name isn't coming up in my mind.. I hung out with all of them at Brianna's birthday recently and it was a great time. 

Alright well I'm gonna go take a run out in this heat. Try to get a little more color and get out of the house for awhile. Usually if I exercise I feel more motivated to practice guitar, too.

peace. 

Last regular week, I can barely believe it.

Evening everyone, it's 10:52 pm, last Tuesday of the last week of regular class this quarter.

Next week of course is finals week but because I won't have class while I'm studying for the ETS exam and doing my forecasting project, this week feels like the last. I've written out my plan of action to finish this quarter strong and I'm feeling confident in my ability to do so if I stay strong and don't let burnout take control.

That shouldn't be a problem this quarter. Regardless of the fact that I've worked extremely hard, these past few weeks have been probably more fun than what I'd normally be having in the summer. Hanging out with  Joel and his friends has made schoolwork and my weekends much more enjoyable. I still like him as much as when we started hanging out but I really have to continually remind myself that it's temporary.

This isn't even something I have to worry about when I'm sober, either... When I'm sober our "relationship" is clear-- That he's not my boyfriend, we're just spending time together in college (thus should not try to hold hands in public, etc) and there's probably little to no chance we'll see eachother this summer, if ever again. But when I've been drinking and we're hanging out for hours and hours on end things get kind of fuzzy.

Sunday night we'd both had a couple beers and met up at his place. The plan was to come back to my place and study. Honestly when I'd got to his house I was feeling pretty goofy, enough so to have got my yoga pants caught in my bike chain about four times on the way there. When we were walking back together through campus I grabbed his hand (which I figured was fine, considering we'd held hands before when we go out but then again he was probably drunk...) and he sort of shook it off. Like, 'no, not cool.'

We walked back together most of the way but when we got to Brooklane I kind of bolted ahead of him. Like I started speedwalking and he didn't keep up so I kept going. When we got back he thought I was mad at him. I think part of me was.

One morning I'd made a comment that my study habits have gotten worse "since we started dating.." and he said "I wouldn't say we're dating."

So there you go, nevermind. Apparently spending almost every day of the last three weeks together still wouldn't constitute as "dating." It's fine, I've still really enjoyed his company and will hopefully continue to until school is over. We work really well together and he's extremely complimentary of me so it's been nice having him around but we've obviously spent too much time together lately and I was starting to get the wrong ideas.


Today I did a solid 3 hours of econ studying for my midterm the day after tomorrow. I also had an AWESOME grocery shopping trip today. I was able to get all of this at Bargain market for only $46:

If I'm able to cook and eat as I have the past week-- innovative to run down my actual stock of food, this could be enough to last me until I move out. I'm not sure the exact date of that but I know I really need to start job hunting. I can't have another summer where I'm unemployed for the first four weeks of being back, that sucked last year. 

Man, I'd honestly love to go work on the farm this year. I know that's kind of fucked up to say with what happened to my Dad and never really getting an apology from Grandma about it but I need the money and me and Ty really don't have beef with eachother anymore. I mean trust me, I hate what Ty did to my Dad kicking him off the farm. Ty owns the farm completely now and it would be really hard for me to deal if he got mad and started yelling at me or something... Though somehow I couldn't picture him doing that if my Dad wasn't around to rile him up. 

I'm going to message my aunt and see if Graham's planning on working this summer.

peace. 

Somewhat of a setback

Evening.

Yesterday was not a fun day. It shook me really hard and I'm still having a difficult time forgiving myself for what happened even if I tried as hard as I could.

I had to withdraw from finance again to avoid a failing grade because I completely bombed my test on Monday. After spending hours drilling the problems online and thinking I had a decent grasp on the material. Come to find out I didn't comprehensively what so ever. The test questions don't go in order from easiest to most difficult, the concepts are mixed up and if you don't know the appropriate steps and formulas to get your answer your pretty much f*cked.

Soo, I'm going to be taking it with Tenerelli in the Fall. He's the one finance professor that apparently goes slow enough or has some other method that helps get people through it. I f*cking hate how hard this class is for me and that even after all the work I did I was somehow still completely oblivious to my own ignorance.

I took it out really hard on myself last night. Not living up to my own standards makes me feel psychotic and almost suicidal because I feel like self improvement is the only thing that I live for at this point. Failure is my biggest nightmare.

Lately I've been watching any documentaries
I can find about Russian ballet. 

But only with tribulations in life do you discover your inner strength. I am not going to flunk out of college and I will not allow this class to keep me from getting my degree. I'm going to now use this quarter as an opportunity to better understand R and my forecasting class and really be able to put some effort into my paper for my capstone course. Taking finance is so draining on my time and psyche because I'm constantly working on homework and constantly feeling nervous about homework being due that I only half understand the procedures for. Then when I actually do the homework my anxiety is super high because if you make one tiny rounding or decimal error in the intermediate steps whole problem is wrong and it's EXTREMELY frustrating.


I think I had mentioned to you guys that I had asked for Kyle's number to help me study for the test on Sunday and he said he'd be totally down on Friday. I did not text him at all during the weekend, I told myself I wouldn't talk to him until I actually *did* need his help so I didn't make it seem like I got his number to get to know him or anything (lol I've learned that guys generally don't like making conversation via text and things can be so easily misread so why even risk it). But I did text him Sunday when I needed help and didn't get a response which kind of sucked my motivation somewhat.

This morning he passed me on the way to Carbaugh's class and asked me how I did. Kind of sucked having to say that I failed. I really wish I could have said "Oh I stressed out for nothing!! I studied my ass off on Sunday and probably did fine!..." like I've said for practically every one of my other tests I've taken in college but instead I had to say, "Pretty terrible. I failed."

It sucked so bad. And having this happen means that I'll be taking one online class for my business minor this Summer to make up for the one I won't be doing in the fall. If I don't get this internship with enterprise I'm going to be moving back to the tri cities again in a month and a half. That for me is hard to believe as well and makes me determined to work as hard as I can until that point.

That's all for now.

peace. 

F**k it we don't have to be friends... Trust.

Hmm, that was quite a blogging hiatus. I'd mean to sit down and write a few times this week but would always have too much to do to really think about it.

Right now is my first real breath of fresh air after a five day, eight hour work streak.... That's forty hours... I am working full time at JCpenney this summer, what the Hell man. Ugh makes me excited for school to start. I'm hungry for new information and feel guilty that I was unable to read After the Music Stopped as much as I'd liked too this month.. With back to school season at work I've been working so much that it's difficult to find the discipline to sit down and read for recreation....

I've barely had the energy to adequately practice for my recital on the 31st. I've been using Jacob's practice methods this week where I have been taking quick rests in between practice increments and it seems to be working.... But will it be enough, in three days. I will work extremely hard on my days off to feel confident enough to play the entire piece by memory.

Katelynn and I are no longer friends. This time for good. The other night I went over to her friend Zach's apartment and I got a very cold vibe from her all night. I'll back up....

Right before guitar lessons I'd gotten a text from Katelynn asking what I was doing that night and I responded "nothing : )" and was just excited to spend time with her. I'd had a hell of a week, between my uncle Robert dying (his birthday is today), then Jay completely cutting contact which I had already somewhat anticipated from the beginning because of how he is.

**Note: I have no hard feelings for Jay. Now that this is said and done I realize this is the best thing he probably could have done because he's probably going to start working in Oregon. Ellensburg is further away from Oregon then the tri... He works hard enough as it is and probably just didn't see himself driving four hours to see me on the weekends when the school year starts and didn't know how to say it. 

We'll probably cross paths again down the road. Or not, that's life. It's clear that even someone that egotistical can have feelings for me, though being in a relationship with one is a different story.

When I'd brought up Zach to Katelynn she was like, "Oh that guy that's cute but says weird shit and kind of reminds me of Ron Weasley?"

Someone actually took interest in me out of the blue recently... His name is Zach H. and I work with him. I'd seen him around a few times but didn't really take notice because I thought he was like 18. We were texting eachother a lot that night because we were both drinking and wanted to see eachother. So though I feel like Katelynn was looking for a reason to be mad at me that night for something I said or did, it was very hard to pinpoint one because I was acting distant which probably made things even worse.

Anyway, didn't do anything in particular to make Katelynn mad at me, aside from being beautiful and getting attention from guys that she wanted. Hooking up was the LAST thing on my mind that night, which I did vocalize when I had a few drinks in me and I'm sure was a buzzkill for katelynn because I'm pretty sure she was thinking otherwise. Her and Alan are done for good and Alan is saying Katelynn basically needs to move her stuff out... which I honestly don't blame him for because she's only treated him like shit for the past few months-- I mean I witnessed it and it got to the point I didn't even like to hang out when Alan was there because it was awkward.

Anyway Katelynn found the thing that let her break the friendship off for good. I had left my bag in her car and she scowled at me when she lent it to me in the break room. Chad and I went out to find her car and once I got my bag I remember sticking the key in the libby bag. I then accidentally returned the libby back without giving the key back to her, which I then quickly found....

When I found her in the dress department with her key she stormed up to me and said "Give me my fucking key" and then marched off. There was a group of Hispanic girls that work in the dress department that were like "woah...." and chuckled kind of awkwardly. I'm sure I looked pretty confused, smiling there saying "Alrighty then have a good night..." Ha ha ha.

Yeah haven't seen or heard from her since then. Whatever I don't even care anymore, our friendship hasn't been the same since I lost trust in her on 4th of July and I can't stand her negativity and constant cursing anymore.

peace.

Do I look like someone else

I'm feeling too restless to practice guitar right now... which means I have to write and hopefully shake this out because to be honest with you guys I'm exhausted and can't imagine I'm going anywhere tonight.

I texted Jay today. I was unable to wait until this evening. I asked him how his trip was going and he didn't reply. Damn it's been like 3 days... I'm kind of wondering if we're not going to talk anymore or what. That's been on my mind more than I'd like to admit today.

Check it out, tonight I unintentionally made myself look like a different person. Ha ha I've changed my look from Emily the no bullshit guitarist to Emily that draws manga and watches Ponies.*

I had work at 11 am this morning. My shift was 11-7 pm, and that's final. The reason I say that is because my coworkers were asking me continually how long I was going to work tonight. My managers actually didn't ask me to stay later, as they're intelligent enough to know that I would politely refuse. Lol. No credit apps or "findmore" things again today. My mom was like "Can they fire you for not doing those?" and I responded, "Don't think so..."

Lol I know that you can't but you're continually pressured about it. The corporation uses competition as one of it's tactics to motivate their employees. I kind of hate that about my job, it makes me miss my lazy days at Rite Aid....

When I move up to Ellensburg I plan on looking for a new job very quickly. Working at the Yakima JCpenny on the weekends could be a good temporary fix until then. Jeez that reminds me I have to talk to one of my managers about that. I should write a memo and leave it on one of their desks tomorrow. Good plan. Tomorrow's basically my Friday. I've got nothing planned. Will probably just do the usual because I'm gonna owe Jake $40 on Thurs so I shouldn't blow my money at the bar on Wednesday.

Alright... I guess that's sufficient writing for tonight. Need to practice for the first time today (it's 9:25 pm. God I'd be miserable if I was still at work, ha ha I was done at 7...)

I'm actually feeling a lot better about relaxing and enjoying the rest of my night. I told my mom that jay hadn't texted me back and she's like "You're being silly, it's Sunday night and that's when his job gets over. He probably doesn't even have reception." Both are really good points. I will sit with that.

peace.

*.... note that I do neither of those things. Not that there is anything wrong with people that do. But I think I look so much different with glasses and no bangs... I'm honestly not used to seeing myself like this. 

Good day ended with good BBQ

I've been feeling pretty good about my stats test that I took this afternoon.. I mean I did such an absurd amount of studying on it there's no reason that I shouldn't do at least better than my third test (66%...). I automatically had 20% of the points when I started taking the test because of an excel assignment that he added as an optional bonus. That cut down the initial stress quite a bit.

Sipic offered to meet with me to redo my schedule for a THIRD time... Lol I just crack up at how helpful he's been because I've been figuring a lot of stuff out this quarter. I have to do the paperwork for my finance major and mix up my class order so that I'm taking classes for both majors until this upcoming winter or so. I'm so excited about my classes next year, this year has definitely been an indication that this is the right choice for me.

Tomorrow I have no class which is nice but I'll be spending a good deal of it reading my economics book. Terry and I will study tomorrow more than likely, it'll be our last session for this quarter. We've both worked extremely hard. I don't know if I told you guys this but yesterday I actually told him I liked him. He came over to work on the stats lab (we weren't able to get very far on it working together) but really all he did was sit there and crack jokes and give me sh*t because he didn't know what he was doing apparently.

Bradley C. BBQ'd a bunch of meat and invited me to come hang out with them. I had actually just gotten up from a nap and I was super hungry so that was nice. I wolfed down a hamburger and a bratwurst really fast.. I don't know I think I might be slightly iron deficient because I haven't been cooking steak for myself at my apartment anymore...Anyway it was super sweet of him to have me. I also had a slice of watermelon that really hit the spot too. I was super thankful, I did not want to cook tonight what so ever and felt lucky. 

ouch, my left wrist is really sore tonight, I better stop typing.

peace. 

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think...

Morning.

I finally broke the question to Kristin about whether she's staying or going this summer. She's moving out on the 8th, which means I have less than a month to find a new roommate and a job. I plan to continue my search this week. I haven't gotten one call back yet which is discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I really want to take that class this summer..

This week I also have to give that persuasive speech. I think I'll put together that presentation today, shouldn't take too long and putting it behind me now will save a lot of stress later. This weekend has been pretty boring but fine. My brain feels pretty rested for the upcoming week.

So today will be a good day if I do the following:

- Practice at least hour of guitar

- Read + Note take stats chapter 14 (think it's my third time going through this, apparently this is very important...)

- Read 1st half of Money and Banking chapter for econ...

- Create presentation on Meditation for Speech

And of course eat good food, try not to stress out, not spend all day scrolling through facebook, etc etc.. If I get started early I have plenty of time to get all this done.

Last night I was able to get into a really deep state of meditation to the point that my limbs felt completely gone, it was so cool. Meditation has allowed me to start sleeping on my back instead of my side which I have read is better for your skin.

Initially I was pretty stoked when Jack and I were spending time together again but not talking for an entire week has sort of killed it. Jack told me that he hates texting.. Okay, well, if you hate texting it would be nice if you would at least offer to grab coffee or something throughout the week if he was actually interested in me. It's like shit, don't do me any favors buddy.

Terry on the other hand has been texting me quite a bit since he asked for my number on Tuesday. He asked what I was doing this weekend on Friday and suggested we hang out which was different for him. He's usually not that forward in person. We texted each other on Friday but I think he's been out partying this weekend. I'm hoping we get a chance to study together either this evening or tomorrow. Or who knows, actually hang out...

We'll see.

peace.

Let's make this next four weeks as painless as possible, shall we

I've got five minutes before my speech class.

Last night I prayed to God I could work really hard today. I asked him that my mind feel energized so I can get things done because I'm not feeling particularly comfortable about the statistics material right now. It's STILL taking time to click even if I've studied the material for about four hours in the last couple days. The day before the test is the only day that I skip in stats because he only reviews the old material which I can do from my apartment and get more retention for my time.

Granted I know that I can't teach myself this. I always feel like crap when I skip a class but if I actually study and use the time I feel okay about it. Today is one of those days. Chose to skip statistics because my attendance in speech isn't fantastic and I can't afford to skip that again. Speech class kind of drains me and I always want to take a nap afterward which is frustrating because the evening used to be prime guitar practice time for me while I make dinner.

I've tried to control this problem by letting myself relax in the late evening around 8'. Unfortunately what this can sometimes do is make it so that I'm going to bed too early.. Which I suppose is better than sleeping at 4 then waking up at 8, making myself dinner and studying until 11...

I'm always trying to get the perfect regime to make my life the least stressful. Shoot I gotta go to class, write later....(2:43 pm)


3:52 pm:

Today I threw up about 15 minutes after class started (rushed to the bathroom.. honestly I don't know how much longer I could have made it) because I took a prenatal on an empty stomach. They've good multi-vitamins but they can make you feel sick because of their potency levels.

Speech today wasn't bad I guess. There was this girl that did her presentation on her resort-vacation that she goes to during the summer, that was entertaining. What was probably more painful was that the MC was the Hawaiian girl today. She kept reading these completely inappropriate facts or bullshit statistics off her phone and I'm just sitting there trying to keep my head low. Whenever I listen to her I have to REALLY put on my Noh face... closed mouth smile, because I have to keep myself from cracking up.

So yeah uh.... That's definitely THE class I'm excited to be out of this quarter.

I signed up to do my persuasive speech first. The professor was watching if I'd do that and he's like "OHHH she did it!" and people started laughing. Going first ds ,oesn't bother me at all. Waiting for a bunch of other people to go is much more stressful for me because I start overthinking it.

I've got more than a week to get it done. Tomorrow I'm actually going to have to skip speech class to go to the "Bite of Insight" speech for the outside critiquing assignment. I feel like sending him an e-mail about my absence on that one because this is going to be the 4th day that I'm absent. I'd really not like to lose participation points in that class when it should be an easy A.

I'm going to go back outside and enjoy the sunshine and read over one of my stats chapters again before tomorrow's test. I want to do really well to make up for feeling like a dork for not getting the lab on Friday. It's totally my fault that I've fallen behind in the excel stuff because I've barely touched it outside of class. I'm really hoping there's not going to be an excel skill exam or anything at the end of the quarter because I would really need to get on figuring out what the hell I'm doing. It's a hard program in my opinion.

But everything in life is hard. I just need to work at it like anything else, won't come over night.

have I posted this before? Yes? No? Oh well. Took this screenshot awhile back, lol Peggy whipped out the "Funsaver."

Jack and I haven't talked since Saturday morning. This is expected because Jack doesn't really like texting. I wouldn't mind texting every so often but definitely not continually... Idk, he told me to download this app called SnapChat that you can send photos back and forth and they disappear in 3 seconds or something like that. My phone isn't compatible with it so until I get an upgrade I'm pretty sure we're not going to do that much communicating outside of when I spontaneously see him on the weekends.

And to be honest your guess is as good as mine whether or not I'll continue to see him because I like I've said this has happened so many times I just can't ask questions of what he's doing anymore. It's like when he came to my house on Friday night. He immediately held my hand when we walked outside. BUT it was 1 am. See it makes you wonder if he would act that way during the day time, probably not. Again I have no idea, we'll see what happens either way.

Wow I've been writing for an hour already. I haven't played guitar much all day because I've been studying a lot but I still plan too later this evening. 

alright I'll stop rambling

peace.

Let's reminisce. And some job updates.

Hello.

So I just got done with one of my main chores this weekend which was to deliver my resume/job application to the liquor store, as well as the Roadhouse, and then I also picked up a couple applications to deliver to WingCentral. It sucks not having a printer, I had to give the Liquor store people a copy of my resume that had another business's name scratched out.

I was hoping to see the manager today but I did talk to the man I'd talked to yesterday again. He said that they are planning on hiring a part time employee for the summer and I could potentially get more hours. Good, that's what I want. The more hours I can get this summer the more money I can make. There's a lot more earning potential for me here in Ellensburg then back in the tri cities because I don't have to drive nearly as much. That AND I'll be able to keep my place here...

Of course because I'm going to be working so much and still playing guitar I'm probably going to be a lot more busy and tired than I am right now with school. My schedule right now is actually pretty easy in comparison to the "real world." I only go to class 3 hours a day and then the rest is spent studying, playing guitar or messing around online.

Class registration for summer is tomorrow. Again I've decided not to take classes. I'm not in any race to graduate and have some investment planning job somewhere, I'm not ready for that right now because I need a better understanding of how businesses actually run in society.

So I'm really just crossing my fingers. If I can get this job part time as well as a hostess job I'll be set for this summer.

Last night me and Jack hung out. I'd gotten ready to go to a party with Allie at around 9' but ended up accidentally falling asleep... I guess I felt like meditating for a little while and... oops. Anyway I got a call from Jack at 1 in the morning, and he was walking around somewhere outside. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and unable comprehend directions of where he wanted to meet exactly he just ended up showing up here.

It's really too early to say what's going on in Jack's head at this point because I'm so shocked that we've hung out twice to be honest with you guys. It's just totally weird that we're suddenly hanging out and everything's cool after all this craziness. We had some really good talks yesterday about things, like about why things kept happening the way that he did..


I guess it just comes down to the fact that his friends back in Benton city always acted weird around me which is why we didn't really work out back then. He said this last night and I agree, they always did-- it's because I was never nice to them as kids. Like Jesse and Ryan... I was always kind of a snit because I was shy and they were always kind of mean to me when we were little. So as we got older things just continued to be that awkward between us, which is why I never came anywhere near his friends in highschool and when we hung out back then it was always really hush-hush which was really annoying to me.


The truth is however is I understand why he didn't want to bring me around people... I was kind of weird... and really negative. And a lot of that just comes from feeling insecure which a lot of people can read, and sophomore year when I met Jack was an especially bad year for me in general. I was dealing with..
 the fallout of the Chino relationship ending, 
...his psycho sister making those flyers about me, 
...Kandyce's friends gunning for me, 
...I took WELDING with Jessica S. and didn't have a partner in weight training that year
....Katharine and I weren't on good terms 
..so I was hanging out with Tony's GIRLFRIEND at lunch... (awkward)
...And the hot new foriegn girl in school that Jack wanted to get with and would ask me advice on how to get her.

2008 was a complete bitch, yet at the same time I remember dealing with it pretty well considering what was going on. Lol video games got me through that time pretty well...

This is the game I used to play continually that year and I guess it numbed my mind. 

peace.

Feel so strung out

I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I got stuck on my statistics lab and wasn't able to complete it... Like I looked away for 20 seconds to get caught up and bam, stuck. Terry couldn't help me because he was getting help from the girl sitting next to him that plays basketball. She pretty much always sits near him, brings him coffee sometimes in the morning, and I know they've been friends for a long time because of sports and that's really all they talk about. There's another girl that plays basketball in that class as well, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian just based on the fact that she's completely abandoned any trace of femininity.

I admitted to Terry today that I "lost" his number. He's like "How did you lose my number?" I couldn't even think of a good reply. I had no excuse for the fact that I did to him what I always do to guys that I'm actually interested in. If they show any indication that they're over me I usually delete their number so I have no opportunity to text them unless they text me first. It's simply a preventative measure to not text guys that I like because if you text first then you could potentially look like you actually want to spend time with them. Guys seem to hate that, God forbid they should feel obligated to take you out or spend time getting to know you.

Over the past few days I've actually regretted deleting Terry's number, not because I've thought about spending time with him necessarily because I gave up on that. What I'm really afraid of losing with him is my chance to continue to compete for the highest grades. This quarter his competitiveness has caused me to excel more than I ever could have imagined, and I really do want to take classes with him this summer for that reason. I hope that Terry can realize this and just respect me, I just want to be his friend and have things be cordial between us because honestly I have such little romantic interest anymore that it doesn't matter but he probably still thinks that I do.

I'm just tired of it. All of it. The game, the cold, feeling stretched thin. I love school and I love to learn but here in four weeks I'll be ready for a break and to work. Where I work this summer is really the question now, and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. Right now I'm just going through some horrible body pain so I don't feel like going out and delivering job applications or talking to anyone. I just want to sit right here and everyone else can leave me be...

I'm just afraid that if I don't go out and do this now there will be some wonderful opportunity that I'll miss... lol ugh, I'm so low on money right now, I'm in so much pain, I'm stressed out, earlier in class I wanted to cry when I didn't get how to do a f^&*ing histogram.. Ha ha very emotional so you can understand why I don't want to go anywhere.

Now that I've written about my frustration I feel a little better. It hasn't been the worst day so far, I mean there's food around here and that's always a plus. Kevin offered to help me out with the lab so that's going to be a huge help if he gets some time later. Oh!! And there's new episodes of intervention on Hulu! Season 8, that'll keep me busy for a few hours while I practice guitar this evening too. Woohoo, no reason to worry about anything f' it's Friday.... I am helping out a couple girls with their classroom project for AUAP so I'm not going to volunteer for that today.

I'm just a useless lump of laziness right now lmfao

peace

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

I can't believe I spent all my money

Alright, called Rite Aid and made an ass of myself. Turns out payday is tomorrow, I somehow had myself convinced it was supposed to be this last Thursday and got myself all messed up. That means I overdrew my account with my normal balance, which is a complete shame on my part because that's CARELESSNESS.

Time to get this all figured out, calculate what I've been spending on and see if I'm on semi the right track.

Right now my balance is $1,300. That's $200 LESS than I had in May, meaning I haven't saved anything all summer. Isn't that great? At least it's better than having NO money this time last summer.

7/26: Got paid $178, crappy paycheck because of the california trip.

Gas expenses since 7/26:

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 00000021 PICK A POP BENTON CI BENTON CI WA

18.99 08/06/2012   POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 21 PIK-A-POP #2 20.11 $39 total

Amp expense:

08/02/2012

ATM WITHDRAWAL CASH WITHDRAWAL TERMINAL SUS4S047 US BANK

60.00

Guitar lesson expense + medical expense:

08/02/2012

ATM WITHDRAWAL CASH WITHDRAWAL TERMINAL SUS4S047 US BANK

100.00

(this put my checking account at $15... I was so afraid to check my balance that I didn't)

Restaurant expenses from 7/26- now

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 70134291 MIZU SUSHI AND ROL L

11.83

07/30/2012

POS PURCHASE POS PURCHASE TERMINAL 75068628 SUBS N JEANS

15.58 $27 total

That's $226. In two fucking weeks, even when I was trying to save. That of course doesn't include about the $40 I've spent at Rite Aid. I started with $285 in my account at the beginning of this last paycheck and dwindled it down to nothing. 

The amp and the guitar lessons are an investment. Eventually they will make me money when I'm giving lessons myself. 

Clearly, no more restaurant expenses. I decided that on the 28th but then of course I got invited to this Mizu thing. I've got $30 in my checking account. I get paid on Thursday so I'll have no money until then. I'm so irritated with this California trip, it's fucked me up so bad. I just wanted to earn $1500 this summer. I've been trying so hard but it's impossible.... 

peace. 

I feeling more and more exausted here.

Things haven't been bad. We went out to dinner at this really nice mexican food restaurant and I ordered a plate of fish and chips. I must've been so hungry last night, I ate super quickly. I don't know why but it seems like I'm always hungry here. It's not that we haven't been going out to eat and all that, it's just that I don't have my usual source of snacks to pull from. Back home, I have numerous sources to get random food from. Here, there's like nothing to snack on in my Grandma's cabinets.  
I'm listening to Pantera right now. I got really irritated with some of the stuff Grandma listens too and I want to listen to some of my own music as a pallet clenser I suppose. I've listened to this Greatest Hits CD so many times but I haven't really branched into their other music. I really should, I like them a lot but I don't like some of their less melodic stuff.

It's bizarre being here at times, I mean there's a lot of tension betweem Mandy and Adam and it makes me a little sad for her. Zoe really shocked me this year, she's grown up a lot since I've last seen her. The stage between preteen and teenager is a large jump. She said her experience in middle school was good for the most part.

Of course we spilt all over the table almost immediately upon sitting down. here's my Mom cleaning it up. She's such a leader, it cracks me up how she's always planning everything she does. Right now she's out hanging out with Georgia, and I'm pretty sure my sister is getting her senior pictures done by my cousin.

I got a chance to go to the beach today. I built a sand sculpture of a head. I'll post a picture of it later. I can still feel sand on my body periodically even if I showered off when I got home. Georgia said at around 2:00 PM, "If we're only 10 minutes away from the beach, why are we sitting around here?" We're always waiting around trying to figure out what everyone else (mainly Mandy and my Mom) want to do. I told her I wanted to get a second chance to go to the beach really badly, this time more prepared with building materials. I was given a little utility pail and gardening shovel. These worked perfectly and my creepy looking bald face in the sand was a success.

I of course ran out of time and was unable to complete the entire body, as expected. Next time I really should just build from ground level up.

I'm excited for my Mom to get home because she's bringing me food. I'm really tired of restaurant food but I haven't really had a chance to buy groceries aside from these crappy chips I bought at World Market. I'll occasionally grab  a bagel or something from the kitchen but there was few things to munch on there... I mean unless you want chips and salsa, all the time. I personally don't care for chips and salsa much at all. It's too much salt and gives me heartburn.

Maybe I could eat some crackers and hummus again... I've been missing my regular source of calcium because my Grandma doesn't buy dairy products, so that's been hard when I consume a lot of cereal on a regular basis. Makes me kind of happy this trip's coming to a close, though it's been great to see everyone.

peace.

Budget planning for the trip

Today's been good so far. I woke up bright and early and played the Sims 2 for a couple hours. I finished up my Spahn ranch and Barker ranch replicas and I plan to start on my Sims music video later on. I haven't done this in a long time, but I figure it'd be cool to show off my creative touch with the game a bit-- even if people don't really watch Sims music videos but who cares.

I played guitar for an hour and 10 minutes so far. I also graphed out all my days for the past week and a half or so and it looks like I'm going to be paying Jacob on Thursday. I'm going to ask my dad for the money from cherries so I'll be able to pay for $50 of the $80 just from that, thus not cutting too far into my California trip savings.

Okay honestly there was never an actual savings plan for that. I've been trying not to think about it, but just to have a more pleasant experience I'll write out my budget for the trip.


Current Checking: $264
Current Savings: $1,170

I get paid 7/12 for this weekend and this upcoming Thursday. (about $270 or so)

Total: $1,434
Goal at the end of the summer-- September 10th, 2012: $2,000
(remember that my Dad will match whatever I earn. This is a huge incentive for me to save.)

Travel Arrangements

Gasoline contribution for duration of trip $40

$40

Daily Costs

Food

Estimated $10/day on two driving days. 

$60

Allowance of $35 for rest of the trip but no more.

$95

Shopping allowance

$50 for mac powder and a mascara. Also for when we shop around

$145

I know I'll probably go over this, but if at all possible I'd like to do this trip on the cheap. Like I've said before I've had some major set backs in my savings the past couple months and it seems more and more impossible to get to my goal by the end of the summer. I probably spend too much money, but working in retail it's hard to not make little impulse purchases here and there. I just try really hard not go overboard and only take advantage of the very good sales. But little $5 purchases here and there add up so quickly, and only fuel the fire of the money that I absolutely have to drop once a month for $80 and once every two weeks for $40. 

Driving in the car is going to be a bitch because I'm gonna have my guitar on my lap.

Last night I talked to Jack really briefly. I'm pretty sure he's working 40 hours a week or so at this place and is also working mornings. Not very many people share my work on the weekends schedule, aside from Katelynn and Alan. It's Monday, they're working.. 

I'm trying not to get in my summer rut. Things haven't been too interesting lately but I just can't be driving around right now. My phone is off so I feel cut off socially... I should go outside for awhile and come back and play after I sit out in the sun for a bit. 

peace. 

current party invite list, and the weird greasy bakesale.

Another week passed, hello week 3 of Spring Quarter. Yeah, week 3? Something.

I'm still just... so unexplainably thrilled with the fact that I'm only taking one class at CBC, though part of me wishes I wasn't taking ANY classes but that'd cause burnout of this guitar hobby pretty fast if I didn't get a chance to get out every day. This week has been going okay, I've been playing as much as I can every day and I've been improving little by little with the alternate picking and arpeggios. The alternate picking is a lot easier for me because you barely even have to touch the strings but the arpeggios are hard because you almost have to pull on your previous string as if you're strumming but still have a clean, muffle free sound. Very tricky, I hope I get a half decent grasp of it by the end of this week.

It's not nearly as difficult to play for long periods of time anymore. Sometimes I'll cramp up a little in the shoulder but that's the extent of it.

So, here's my current open for revisions invite list for my party in June. This is in no particular order, though I'll try to categorize by how I've interacted with these people..

Current Invite List

1. Katelynn C.

2. Alan Y.

Best friend and her boyfriend, yeah!

3. Samantha

4. Shawn G.

5. Kevran R.

6. Rachelle G.

7. Aaron

Shawn and Samantha, of course. Kevran because we've been cool whenever I've gone over to "House." Rachelle and Aaron because they're badass, and fun

8. Abby S.

9. Taylor M.

10. Nathan S.

11. Gillian J.

12. Rhiannon J.

13. Tucker G.

14. Josh H.

15. Daisy M.

16. Caitlyn Sweeney

17. Kat L.

Oh shit it's the drama kids. Ha ha, well, I can honestly say the Johanson's have thrown some awesome parties so I hope mine can match up. I also hope Kat L. can come to the tri cities for it, she's hella fun to party with too.

18. Betsy W.

19. Caitlyn C.

20. Nathanael T.

21. Phil M.

22. Sean M.

23. Jon S.

24. Andrew W.

25. Hannah S.

26. Ashley B.

27. Alex (Shiro)

28. Brenna A.

Japanese class kids, yahoo!! haha

29. JJ

30. Thor B.

31. Cameron L.

32. Jessika B.

33. Louie

34. Patrick F.

35. Mitch H.

36. Heather

37. David (Heather's Bf)

38. Josh F.

39. Josh F.'s girlfriend Melanie

40. Kevin S.

41. Nate J.

People I've met at CBC, and people I've partied with

42. Denae

43. Jimmy

Sister's best friend and boyfriend, we can assume we'll be there helping out.

44. Geoff W.
45. Sheldon M.

46. Brittney D.

47. Robert M.

48. Chelsea C.

49. Dylan L.

50. Skyler F.

51. Tyler D.

52. Brad P.

53. Megan P.

54. Amanda B.

55. Mitch M.

56. Eugene M.

57. Lindy C.

People I forgot to mention earlier but are DEFINATELY invited too.

You might notice Katharine is "not invited." That's only because she's going to be in Los Angeles, if she's in town she's still of course welcome to come. This is a list of people that I almost know for sure if told in advance would be able to come to this because they're not moving or going on vacation that weekend that I know of.

Yup it's gonna be a hell of a time if I plan early, make sure everything is good to go when it starts, etc etc... It's pretty exciting. Like I said before, planning on getting a big projector set up in the backyard and have dubstep going by using Spotify radio. I'm also going to borrow a trampoline, set up a buffet table, and just let people go free and see what happens. It won't be boring and awkward with that many people, I can assure. There was some awkward standing around last year at the Japanese club party thing but it was still a success. I want this year to be WAY better, wee!

It's 7:00 pm. I worked until 3 today, typical Sunday shift. Got home and cooked myself something to eat and played guitar for an hour. I'm about to do some... YOU GUESSED IT!! exercise!! Then I better do a couple Japanese assignments. Didn't party this weekend, either. Guess I didn't feel a need too. I guess the stress of gas prices is making me more adapted to being at home when I'm not working, driving or at school.

I didn't end up buying Samantha a prom dress, reason being we drove all around the tri cities looking for a dress and we couldn't find any that fit or were the correct color. You'd be surprised how hard it is for anyone outside the thin frame to find a dress to wear. I don't think Samantha's body is abnormal by any means. We walked around 4th street in Pasco, the mall in Kennewick, David's Bridal, and back to her boyfriend's house. We're talking about $15 of gasoline in one day. I offered an alternative option of maybe taking a road trip instead of prom but she's really wanting to go to it. I did my best, but I honestly gave up. I hope Rachelle can help her out, I know she will and Samantha will look great and everything will work out perfectly in the end. I know it. But now, I need to focus on my own life and finances...

This upcoming Wednesday I won't have to pay for the lesson but the following week I will have to cash out $80. I've still been doing well on the dishes. Keeping up this routine has kept the house pretty tidy though when I get done with this blog I should probably sweep up my room. It's getting pretty narly in here, makes you realize how much filth is in the floors. I want to get them nice and clean for the new week.

What a boring life!! : P He he, my life was a *little* more interesting last Spring when I was taking Math 96 with Josh Fischer in the mastrabator kid's class. "Good job Chris!" Hahaha, poor Mr. Zhang.. Wow, that means it's almost been a year since the Guy Stevens insident started. That does seem like a long time ago now, in maturity, self worth, patience, etc etc... The end is in sight now, and I'm happy I'm done with bullshit, shady people like that.

I've been using rubbing alcohol on my fingertips to create calluses three times a day. It dries my skin up so it helps build resistance faster.Bought it at Rite Aid for $3.99, wowowow!!!

Oh GOD, that reminds me...





rite aid had a freaking bakesale.

Those are the cookies I brought for it. They sold almost immediately, and were the first things to go! I knew it, who could resist, they're SOOO darling. I snapped this picture before work and uploaded it to facebook saying I got em at Viera's. They didn't taste too bad either, a little crunchy for my taste, and Mexican cookies tend to be a little bland, but overall pretty good. Anyway, MORE money for Children's Hospital. It was Claudia's idea, she set up the bakesale in the store on the back counter, which I thought was a little bizarre because.... uhm, who has a bakesale indoors? Especially when it was BEAUTIFUL outside.

That's besides the point though. Very sweet point, a little creepy, but sweet... and she left all the sweets on the side counter today with a tag that says "Pay at Register" so suddenly I'm selling baked goods along with people's Colon-Ade.

Idk it's all very weird. I gtg, gonna wash my face and do some cardio.

peace.



Ahh, back to the old grind.

I love school, I really do. I love being around people. I love feeling like I have a purpose. I love the stress. Stress and busyness is HEALTHY for me.

Today is the first day of school of my last year at CBC. Of course, this "year" is actually the last two quarters of my Sophomore year of college. It's somewhat hard to believe, but it makes me feel accomplished that I'm so close to my goal of getting my AA. I have math in four hours, so I'm just here killing time. I'm in the tutoring center, and nobody has realized yet that I'm not doing schoolwork. I guess blogger looks a little like schoolwork, I'm writing aren't I? …I moved the document to Word as soon as I wrote that because I think Word is more convincing.

There’s no more TechFee computer lab in the W building, as I might of mentioned before. This sucks for me because BOTH of my classes are in the W building. It would have been nice to just stay there but now I have to deal with walking all the way to S or L to do any work that needs printing. I wanted to make the cover of my Japanese binder for 4^th quarter, but decided to not even bother with the L building. The computers were full this time of year even WITH the W building computer lab, so it’s guaranteed to be more crowded in there now. It pisses me off, what if I have a last minute assignment to do that I HAVE to use the computers in the library for but they’re all full and all rented out? Luckily, with only taking math and Japanese, I probably won’t have to worry about too many writing assignments. It still sucks, though.

Or maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, let’s think of the positives. Facebook is very distracting, and without it, I can now spend my time more constructively.

Andrew told me today before Japanese class that he reads my blog every day. Hello Andrew! Lol. I am really surprised that anyone would take the time to read my rambling. Katharine told me that she does too. This blog can be very depressing at times but I feel happy that my life is turning around for the most part. It’s just nice to be busy again. And with my job, I’ll have money, and then I’ll have more of a social life, and it’ll all come together. I’m gonna see Katelynn tomorrow, I miss her already even if I just saw her last week, ha ha.

I’d like to meet Katelynn’s boyfriend one of these days and see what he’s like. I’ve met him briefly. She says she’d think I’d like him because he’s into System of a Down and plays guitar. Yep, he’s A-OK with me, lol.

The first Japanese class went well today. Sensee is as sweet as always, and went over the syllabus with us quickly. We’ve heard it four times now. I was happy with how much I remember to do grammar wise, because even if I studied quite I bit, I still felt like I wasn’t entirely prepared. I will continue to study, especially now that she’s added a “chit chat” time of the class where we are assigned to talk to our neighbors in Japanese. Today, me, Hannah and Leah talked to eachother about what we did during the summer. It was pretty difficult, and our conversation was pretty paused and awkward, but we tried and that’s what counts. : ) Its weird not having Michael in the class with Leah, she seems a little lost about it. I felt bad today because she was going to sit by me and I told her that I’m sitting by Hannah. Me and Hannah have always been speaking partners and I know we do really well together, so I had to be honest. I tried to tell her as kindly as possible, and said she could sit by me on the other side if she’d like too.
Mark or “Markie,” as Leah and Michael call him, is no longer in the class. I didn’t hear Sensee call his name out, and I noticed that nobody noticed he was gone. Unspoken Philippino guy, Ken san, is no longer in our class either. Neither is long haired Zach, who rarely showed up to class last quarter anyway.  We picked Japanese names today. I’m going to write the ones I know so I can remember to call them by that name.

So the final class roster is: Hannah, Me (now known as Aiko, my Japanese name), Leah (Akane), Brenna, Manuel (he’s going to have a Japanese name), Betsy (Aki), Caitlin (also pending), Alex (Shiro), Ashley (Haruka), Jose, Taylor (Godzilla), Jon (Umino), Sean (Daragon), Phil, Andrew, Geoff (pending)

I might be missing person as I always do, but I’m almost sure that was everybody that was in class today. 16 people. Dwindled down a lot from the original 50+ students that said they were going to go “all the way” with it. I remember Colin during second quarter telling me he was going to take all the classes and about a week later he dropped it because his wife was going to have a baby. I know it may seem weird that I keep track of who has come and gone, but after you spend a year with the same group of people, you start to get to know them.

If I did have a Japanese club party, it would be a LOT smaller of a group this year, unless I invited all of the first year people which would be a ton of people I don’t know, haha. I’m still intending on having a going away party, but it’s going to be all of my friends, including the Japanese club group that is still taking the class by then. Hannah doesn’t know if she’s going to be taking Japanese V, but I’m very thankful that she’s taking IV with me. Got a little nervous this morning when she was the last one to show up to class.

I got a text from Leah this morning saying that “The Troll” (aka Ashleigh) was sitting in on the first two Japanese I classes. What the Hell? I thought she said she was transferring. Ugh, I should of known, she’ll never leave. She’ll be here at CBC long after I’m gone. At least she’s not “sitting in” in our class too… But god, just the thought of seeing her at the club meetings makes me irritable. I’m just not going to let her bother me, there’s nothing she can do that can affect me. I just hope that if I do have input in club meetings that she won’t shoot up her hand and tell why it wouldn’t work or something lame like that. Leah said that she’s going to be tutoring in the Japanese I classes. Hmmm.

Well, I’m gonna get going. Getting sort of hungry. Simply put, things are going good, I’m happy to be back in school, and I’m happy to be alive.

Yours,
Emily