Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

Last regular week, I can barely believe it.

Evening everyone, it's 10:52 pm, last Tuesday of the last week of regular class this quarter.

Next week of course is finals week but because I won't have class while I'm studying for the ETS exam and doing my forecasting project, this week feels like the last. I've written out my plan of action to finish this quarter strong and I'm feeling confident in my ability to do so if I stay strong and don't let burnout take control.

That shouldn't be a problem this quarter. Regardless of the fact that I've worked extremely hard, these past few weeks have been probably more fun than what I'd normally be having in the summer. Hanging out with  Joel and his friends has made schoolwork and my weekends much more enjoyable. I still like him as much as when we started hanging out but I really have to continually remind myself that it's temporary.

This isn't even something I have to worry about when I'm sober, either... When I'm sober our "relationship" is clear-- That he's not my boyfriend, we're just spending time together in college (thus should not try to hold hands in public, etc) and there's probably little to no chance we'll see eachother this summer, if ever again. But when I've been drinking and we're hanging out for hours and hours on end things get kind of fuzzy.

Sunday night we'd both had a couple beers and met up at his place. The plan was to come back to my place and study. Honestly when I'd got to his house I was feeling pretty goofy, enough so to have got my yoga pants caught in my bike chain about four times on the way there. When we were walking back together through campus I grabbed his hand (which I figured was fine, considering we'd held hands before when we go out but then again he was probably drunk...) and he sort of shook it off. Like, 'no, not cool.'

We walked back together most of the way but when we got to Brooklane I kind of bolted ahead of him. Like I started speedwalking and he didn't keep up so I kept going. When we got back he thought I was mad at him. I think part of me was.

One morning I'd made a comment that my study habits have gotten worse "since we started dating.." and he said "I wouldn't say we're dating."

So there you go, nevermind. Apparently spending almost every day of the last three weeks together still wouldn't constitute as "dating." It's fine, I've still really enjoyed his company and will hopefully continue to until school is over. We work really well together and he's extremely complimentary of me so it's been nice having him around but we've obviously spent too much time together lately and I was starting to get the wrong ideas.


Today I did a solid 3 hours of econ studying for my midterm the day after tomorrow. I also had an AWESOME grocery shopping trip today. I was able to get all of this at Bargain market for only $46:

If I'm able to cook and eat as I have the past week-- innovative to run down my actual stock of food, this could be enough to last me until I move out. I'm not sure the exact date of that but I know I really need to start job hunting. I can't have another summer where I'm unemployed for the first four weeks of being back, that sucked last year. 

Man, I'd honestly love to go work on the farm this year. I know that's kind of fucked up to say with what happened to my Dad and never really getting an apology from Grandma about it but I need the money and me and Ty really don't have beef with eachother anymore. I mean trust me, I hate what Ty did to my Dad kicking him off the farm. Ty owns the farm completely now and it would be really hard for me to deal if he got mad and started yelling at me or something... Though somehow I couldn't picture him doing that if my Dad wasn't around to rile him up. 

I'm going to message my aunt and see if Graham's planning on working this summer.

peace. 

3rd day and The wheels are already in motion

Damn, today was interesting. Definitely more interesting than what I had to tell you yesterday so excuse me if I go on.

Econ today was different because we had a professor from a different class. There's an older lady in my class that I sit next to in my statistics class as well that's very eager and raises her hand continually to either ask questions or answer about something... which usually only people do if they know the answer. Usually in Carbaugh's class I will just respond answers when he does the call and response thing. I like when teachers do that a lot because it keeps me paying attention.

Anyway she continued to do that again today. I noticed this morning that a guy that I sit next to in my Statistics class also sits directly across from me in economics. We had caught eachothers eyes this morning and I'm like, huh, wonder if I'll sit next to him again today. Sometimes people rearrange themselves in class. I'm pretty happy with my seating this quarter because I got my spot in economics again that I was in last quarter, it's really easy to see there and keeps me from looking at other people.

She would wear rings that look like this, except daintier looking and silver. I'm not going to lie I think this ring is really cool. Even if this girl's voice used to bother me she has good taste.

That girl that sat next to be kind of in econ last quarter with the blonde hair and really perfectly coordinated clothes last quarter-- she's in two of my classes this quarter. I'm starting to really recognize more people in the business program which is cool though I don't know how consistent it'll remain when I get into my major next year. Anyway that girl used to distract me because she'd wear this ring that looked like two hands crossing over your finger, it was the weirdest looking ring and my eyes always ended up drawn to it. Not anymore though, she doesn't sit next to me anymore.

Continuing on here.. went back to my apartment for two hours, ate and relaxed. I have to say I'm liking my schedule with the two hour breaks. It gives me a chance to recharge before my classes and I've been absorbing so much information because I've been studying throughout the day instead of globbed up in the morning. Maybe as much as I try I am not a morning person after all, maybe this is better for me. We'll see.

Then Statistics. I sat in my regular seat. This is the first time I actually looked at this guy (his name is Terry) who I sat next to yesterday and felt awkward because he kept on looking at my notes. First thing I notice is a tattoo of a scroll on his arm. I also noticed that his arms are huge. He's tall and clearly very dedicated to his body because it'd take so much work to get like that.

I then looked at his hands, which stood out to me more than anything because I noticed that he had really big hand muscles under his pinky (these muscles grow as you play guitar, or I suppose work out too. Guys tend to get more prominant hand muscles like that-- I remember Jack's hands were similar) and I started wondering if he played guitar.

At this point we'd made eye contact a solid number of times. Yesterday he tried to kind of get my attention by asking me what the histogram on my paper was for and I said "...Yesterday's questions on page 5." Lol. If he was trying to make small talk there I didn't take a hint. I decided to ask him a few minutes before class started if he's in my economics class, and he said that he was and we started talking a little from there.

He does play guitar. I don't know how rigorously now that I know more about him because I can't imagine he has time.

Fire alarm goes off in my Stats class. My teacher was like, "What the Hell? Okay see you all tomorrow..." Lol I like Sipic, I was actually kind of looking forward to lecture today which is almost painful to admit because I can't believe i'd ever want to listen about studying datapoints....

I followed Terry out of Shaw outside where people were standing around. I introduced myself and Terry told me he was done for the day and we started to walk around and get to know eachother a little bit. He seems like a pretty level headed guy, he's majoring in business administration too.

I was really surprised that Terry invited to give me a ride back after class. I told him he really didn't have to because I have a bike but he said he had a truck that we could load it into. Again, cool to get to talk to him. He likes tennis so that's a plus too, I want to play so badly.

Then my public speaking class, which was also fun today. We did self introductions followed by an "interesting fact, for example how you get to school every day." Well, almost everyone in the class said how they get to school... on a bike, in their car, yadda yadda. Some people were more creative on what they said. I'd actually rehearsed mine a little in the mirror at home because I know that I have a tendency to talk really fast when I'm even a little nervous.

Here's the average speech: "Hi my name is "    " and how I get to class is I drive my car... any questions?"

This was my speech: "Hello, my name is Emily and one of my favorite highlights of the day is cranking up my music and speed-biking to class. I'd like to open up for questions."(this was funny, lol)

There's a really attractive, egotistical (okay, maybe "cocky" seems like a better word here. He seems like a nice guy, but during his speech you can just tell he was loving the squeels of the girls in the audience) guy in my class that shot his hand up immediately and asked what my favorite band is that sends me flying.


I responded "Dream Theater" and he's like "WHAT! Are you serious?! They're amazing, what do you think of their new drummer?" I just said "I can't think of their drummer right now, but John Petrucci is a huge inspiration to me."

He went on asking a stream of questions. I actually cut him off and said "Okay then! Is there any more questions?" That was just meant to be a joke so hopefully I don't get docked for being rude or something


I should have said their old drummer was better. At least that's what Jacob says.

Well to be honest I'm glad I didn't act like I knew, it wouldn't be fair because I haven't paid much attention to either drummers. For future reference the drummer for Dream theater currently is Mike Mangini. He doesn't have as many flashy pictures as if you look up Petrucci or Labrie with their wild locks everywhere, ha ha ha. 

Wow, okay here's Mark Portnoy. Now  if this were simply a LOOKS competition yes I could tell you who fits better in Dream theater from these two pictures. But how do their skills compare? Couldn't tell you. 

Anyway it was a good day. Had a lesson with Jacob today and mentioned that I'd subscribed to Luke Jaeger's page. He's like "So when's you guy's date?" I'm like wowwww. He jokes about it because apparently this guy never dates anyone, like he's apparently got the highest standards in the entire world and never has found anyone that suits him... or maybe he does and just acts like he doesn't have contact with anyone. That's interesting to me too. Jake told me that whenever Luke thinks a girl is interested in him he backs off bad so I have to make sure that if I do meet him I do not come off flirtatious what so ever. 

Just look how f*cking perfect that is though. It's insane. I would love to get lessons from him someday, he's a master. Lol I think of it like Jacob is my sensei and this guy is HIS sensei. I still have.... mass amounts to learn from Jacob. Actually getting to where Jacob is today will take years, and I'll be lucky if I half as good as Luke in 10,000 hours. 

I love the guitar so much, my soul sometimes feels so engrossed that  when I play the neck feels like part of my body. 

peace

Second time partying here, God ANOTHER J name, really?

I had quite an interesting night. I guess you could say it was my second time partying since I've arrived here. That's okay, I deserved it after the long week I had.

Yeah, after everyone had had about 4-5 beers (not me, I think I only drank one... I "babysat" my beer as they kept telling me again and again) Bradley took his clothes off. I have to make quick snapshots of my memories here. Bradley's like, "Don't post that on facebook!" But from what I've learned about him so far he probably wouldn't care either way. He'd texted me last night when I was studying accounting I believe around 3 or 4. I ended up not coming over until about 7:30 after I had dinner. 

I can't remember names very well. They two girls on the right and left were pretty nice. The guy in the middle is Jared, who's obviously cute, haha I'm not going to lie and say I don't find him really attractive. He's like 6'2, really nice bone structure too. Skyler came over and before this picture was taken we'd all been smoking hookah outside.

It was noticeably cold last night.. Like I'd say around 30 degrees, if not colder. Jared was wearing this thin ass windbreaker jacket with a thin t-shirt and he was really reluctant to ask Bradley for a jacket. Bradley of course has like 20 jackets or something. 

Anyway, we all smoked, drank some, hung out, etc etc... Jared was pretty obviously attracted to me so we ended up hitting it off. He's a pretty sweet guy, I'm sure I'm going to see more of him around. I don't know how much he'd been drinking when I'd shown up so our conversations last night were a little slow. I'd like to spend more time with him sober to get a chance to better understand him. 

I didn't tell him much about myself aside from the guitar thing. I rarely talk about my home life with people, like it seems really irrelevant now. I like that, it should be. 

I don't know what to say about Jared right now, he's very laid back. He reminds me a little of Josh F. in some ways.. He always seemed extremely interested in what I was saying. When we sat at the hookah table outside a bald guy walked toward our table and sat down. He was really wasted and had an obnoxious voice but hey, whatever. The more the merrier. Jared has a twin brother and a couple of his girl friends came with. One of the girls reminded me a lot of Lindy, really shy and playing with her hair a lot. 

Jared seemed kind of interested in her too while she was around, which gave me the impression that he was probably single. I don't usually ask people that straight out. That girl ended up leaving.

You know what cracks me up? This guy's name is Jared. ANOTHER J name. Come to think of it, all of the guys that I've liked have had J names except Connor and Chad. Guys that I've liked with "J" Names: Jed C., Jay W., Jason T., Jack O., Jared J., Josh F., James R... in no particular order. I was never actually in a relationship with any of them except for James R. which was short lived until Jack cut in. Those are pretty much all of the guys I've liked in the last two or three years, all of which liked me back at one point or another. 

..which is sort of a confidence boost that I haven't actually been rejected. Granted things just don't work out for one reason or another but whatever, I'm not worried about it anymore. 

So today I pretty much just played guitar all day and nothing else. My brain has felt fried and tired from last night so I haven't been able to push myself to study anything. I feel a little guilty about that because I really should have gotten something done today. Tomorrow I will FOR. SURE. Seriously. I have to start studying that stupid Chapter 12 again... Avoidable costs are so confusing, I need to at least try to redo the homework tomorrow and get started on the new homework for next Wednesday. We were supposedly going to get these new textbooks but what the Hell is the point at the last two weeks of the quarter? 

Alrighty I gotta get going, expecting a call from my mom this evening so that'll be nice.

peace.

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.

Since arriving here, my dating pool has shrunk...My honest standards of attractiveness.

I don't think about love very often. When I do it's typically when I'm stuck walking alone, not playing my guitar and without my head in a book...

When I do though I must write about it, otherwise it sits like a bad taste in my mind and disturbs anything else I'm trying to accomplish. I sometimes wonder how long it could possibly be like this.

Cheers. Here I am today, 11:55 am looking a little winded after walking back from the library. 

I studied there for an hour and a half. 

It's not like I don't know I'm beautiful, as lame as that sounds to say. I used to be insecure about my looks because I thought that was one of the main problems but over the past couple years I've come to realize that looks isn't it at all. I don't let my body become an excuse either, as I work out nearly every day and I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been right now. So looks in itself is not the problem, if I met a guy that I was attracted too I feel I'd have a pretty good shot at it, even if he's a "Tyler F." (bah haha, that's kind of a joke, Tyler F. was this guy I crushed on all through elementary and middle school and I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to get him. In reality, it probably more had to do with my incredibly insecure behavior and social awkwardness at that age)

It's also not like I don't have guys that are attracted to me. I get lots of comments from admirers on facebook, not like this is something to brag about, guys comment tons of pictures saying girls are hot, but I've honestly had a lot of people tell me they think I'm "Beautiful" so I'm willing to start believing it, so I know that guys DO like me and would want to date me if they had the opportunity.

The fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years more has to do with MY choices, almost all of which were bad ones (but hey you learn from your mistakes). My main problem is that I'm not attracted to many guys so when I do find one that I'm attracted to I'm willing to push aside ALLLLLL of the things that bother me. Suppress the bad, try to think about the good. It never works, I end up finding these faults that bother me and cut things off.

I know what it feels like to be satisfied in a relationship because I have briefly a couple times in my life. Thinking way back to when I was sixteen, Connor and I clicked and had a pretty good run. He was obsessed with something I didn't understand at the time so that ended up driving us apart.

But the time that we actually spent together was pretty good-- we'd hold hands in public (DUN-DUN-DUN!!!), he didn't mind bringing me around people (I actually met a lot of people because of Connor), didn't act like I was an inconvenience to him and actually LIKED having me around. We'd have good conversations. I have not had any kind of relationship like this in five years now.

Which is why I'm so numb. Why I don't have faith in anything and just live each day for the absolute fullest alone because that's all I've got. Because I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong because it is always sort of a void that lingers there and bothers me from time to time. Love should be important to everyone but for me it's an inconvenience at this point in my life.

Because I look around here and there's nobody. Not one guy-- except for Jason, but I initially wasn't even that attracted to him and he had to grow on me with his intelligence before I found him sexy in the slightest, that I've seen that was particularly attractive and thought, "Hey, I would LOVE to go out of my way to talk to that guy and perhaps hopefully start texting." The thought has not even crossed my mind. I don't think this makes me a shallow person, it's just nobody wants to be with someone they're not attracted to and it's really hard for me to find someone that I would want to be with for that reason.

You might think, how is that even possible? To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did. I am going to try to create, right here and now, where my definition of attractive seems to lay...

My Honest Standards

of Attractiveness

Disclaimer: Personality is the absolute most important factor to ever consider when you're deciding if you want to be with someone. I would never be with an idiot, stupidity makes people extremely UNattractive, yet another reason why it's hard for me to find someone even relatively close to what I'd find ideal in a man.

1. Must be 5'7 or taller. 

And if they are 5'7 need to be pretty good looking for me to even consider it. I like taller guys, period. There's not very many of these around here, in fact I've never seen more short guys in one place than I've seen at Central this year. (short= as tall or shorter than me) 

2. Must not be fat or badly out of shape.

I'm not attracted to fat guys at all, period. I take extremely good care of my body and would expect whoever was dating to have the discipline to work out on his own, it shows that he actually cares about his physique too. It seems like so many guys just plop themselves in front of the couch all day playing video games and their body and features become doughy and ugly. 

3. I prefer brown or black hair. 

I've only been completely attracted to one blonde, that guy I met that one time at the Toyota Arena. He was GORGEOUS, I was so disappointed when we never talked again. So some blondes are okay, but generally speaking I like dark hair.

4. Slender facial features

Nice jaw line is always a plus. 

Period. Everything else is personality and intelligence.

just a couple examples that fall within this range....

Here's a picture of a guy that I would think is extremely attractive.

Again I'm not saying he'd HAVE to look like this, it's just always been hard for me to pinpoint what I like because I like so few. 

Jay, the only guy I was really attracted to from the tri cities for the past two years or so. Notice he has all of the features listed above. I thought there'd be more Jay's in college but there's definitely not around here.

Knowing my own standards has made it dawn on me that there's a good chance I could be alone for a very long time. I refuse to fall below my standards because I don't want to be with someone that I'm not physically attracted to at all. It's really frustrating in a way and has been a major disappointment about coming to Central. I'm not saying I was expecting to have met someone by now but I was expecting to at least see ONE guy aside from Jason that I thought was.... well, hot. 

Maybe after graduation if I'm still single I'll move down to California. ....Yuck. 

peace.