I'm Too damn honest.

Hi.

Well it's Wednesday and I'm anxiously waiting my paycheck that's coming on Saturday because I've got about $70 to my name and want to save as much as that as possible before that day comes. Why? For the satisfaction that I am saving money and that I didn't just spend all of my last paycheck getting through the last three weeks or so. Literally the last time they paid us was Thursday the 21st of August. Tomorrow that'll be 3 weeks ago.

I've done a good job saving my money by just not taking random trips into town or going out much. I've also had to abstain spending money on food while at work (not a hard thing to do considering there's usually free pizza out at one point) by making sure to eat beforehand. Spending money on snacks dries up your bank account like trying to kill someone by pelting them with little rocks.


..That was rather morbid. You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not in the most optimistic mood right now. Yesterday I did get good news but at the wrong time and this morning I got bad news that put some things into perspective on my job search but also made me the target of my Mom's criticism and put me in a shit mood.

I am an honest person. I have a hard time lying to people and naturally won't unless someone asks me to specifically to cover for them and even then it's a challenge if people start prying. My honesty has now gotten me into trouble twice because I was automatically filtered out after applying to Macy's and Ross because my answers didn't make me seem friendly enough.

When I was asked in the two surveys how "important it is that you make friends on the job" I thought it was a trick question. In my mind I think "Not important", duh, you're there to do a job and get work done, not find people to hang out with on the weekends. But after getting screened out twice that's CLEARLY a wrong answer. Though thinking about it now it was probably stupid to have selected that answer in the first place.

Kayla told me, "You have to make yourself sound perfect on those things." My response was, "How is wasting time perfect?"

But then again, it's retail. You're expected to be super friendly toward everyone including your coworkers. For some reason I just think of "being friendly" and "making friends" as two completely different things. My Mom was really pissed at me this morning because that distinction kept me from getting an interview at Macy's. All I could say was, "Well how about you go work at Macy's," lol.

Here's a picture of a Russian cathedral on a lake in St. Petersburg for no reason.

Now for the good news!! Kayla referred me to her boss at Subway and he actually gave me a call yesterday after receiving my resume. Unfortunately I spaced putting Little Caesar's on my resume so it made it seem like I was trying to mislead them to think I had full availability. Kayla has explained to her boss that at my current job I only get about 11-15 hours a week and would be more than willing to work mornings. He called me yesterday at 2 at work.... whoops.  

So my mom has also been hassling me this morning about calling him back. I've tried to call the restaurant twice and nobody picked up so I'm just hoping I get a call from him before the end of his shift. He works from 5:30-3 pm so I'll try again around 1:30 when the lunch rush is going down.

Working at Subway would be great because I could potentially even get full time hours if I do well enough there. We'll see what happens. I'd rather have two part time jobs because of the change in environment but it might become a hassle when my class starts. Doesn't matter, I've been pretty much broke and useless way too long now. 


I haven't heard from the guy that I had recently taken interest to in about 2 days, which sucks because he seemed really interested in spending time together about a week ago. Jared's snapchat indicates he was drinking and eating pizza with some ugly bitch last night. Of course they're taking selfies together on his phone. You never did selfies with me you prick!! 

Lmao. Okay that's enough with all that. I want to take a run.

peace.

Oh just screw it.

Hey guys, it's almost 1 am.... I had a f*ing crazy long day, long weekend, lots of stuff going on that I need to tell you.

 I promise to tell you more about my weekend tomorrow, to anyone reading, how about THAT?! But for now I've got more serious stuff on my mind.

If cigarettes are as big of an instant stress relief as I've heard people say they are I should never smoke. 

Maybe it's my Jewish roots that can take me from feeling perfectly content and confident one day to being completely stressed to the point of feeling completely hopeless and out of control of my life. This quarter academically I've felt very out of control because of the stress that Finance class initially put on me not having the textbook on time, then realizing I wasn't ready to hack the material at the speed the instructor was going so I had to drop it... This was a hard enough issue as it was.

Sipic totally went to bat for me to get me into Hedrick's class late (Tuesday of week 3, technically the last day you could enroll late). I was thrilled about this opportunity initially until I went to the bookstore and realized they didn't have a copy of what I needed. I needed the access code so I figured ordering it at the school versus Amazon wouldn't make that much of a difference. Dropped $150 and it was projected to arrive her Thursday. Thursday...... More than halfway through the week.

I let Sipic know about this and he gave me a Micro book from a different course just in case I wasn't able to get a copy of the text. Because I didn't have the right syllabus for Hedrick's class at this point I messaged him to get the material that we'd covered but he didn't get back to me on that (he probably figured I had the syllabus, which does have what I need...).

So I had Hedrick's class this morning and it didn't seem too bad... He was going over the demand and supply curve shifts that occur when tariffs and taxes are placed on imports. It's not like it doesn't make sense to me but having entered the class after missing two weeks of review material it felt a little rusty to me. Hedrick seems like a nice guy, he told me to meet him at his office so he could get me caught up on what we were doing.

I went to his office and he told me that the class had already done two homeworks and two quizzes and said he'd give me some leeway because I'm just entering the class. I mean that's great and everything but homework and quizzes are through an online source so they close when they're due.

So here I am, trying to manage my time for the night with a huuuuge amount of micro work to do and a little bit of macro homework... I made what was due first a priority so I spent 8 hours working on micro tonight... Not even freaking kidding you guys. And I actually did make some progress on the third homework that was assigned to the class which was sort of impressive considering the circumstances. The homework was due at 11:50 and around 11' I couldn't take it and decided to call my Mom. Offfff course I was crying, feeling like it's the end of the world and she somehow makes me feel better.... I love my Mom so much. 

She made me realize that with the way everything has gone this quarter there's no shame in just taking 10 credits. If I continued taking this class that I'm entering 3 weeks late I'd inevitably sacrifice a huge amount of studying for my other classes and bring my entire GPA down. Not worth it at all.

peace. 

here's something that made me smile earlier... The makeup on the chick on the left is so 90's goth I love it.

Yo, just got back from a pretty fun evening out with my Mom.

We picked up a TV from Goodwill for like $20. It's one of those big clunky TVs but it probably works just fine. I rarely watch TV anyway but it will be good to have some ambient sound if need be. We also got a ton of dishes and cleaning stuff and what not at the dollar store to get me started this year. Because the apartment is going to be completely unfurnished I'm going to be bringing a lot more stuff up with me than last year. I'm "packing an entire house" (what my mom said earlier).


I'm getting super excited to go. As of tomorrow only 3 more days! Woo. Don't have much more to say today, I just lazed around, played guitar a shit ton and packed. OH.. one thing about my guitar playing practice ritual has changed. Unless I am learning something new I am not allowed to look at tabs. Period.

It's time for me to get serious about memorizing music.

peace.

Speaking of 90's goth and halloween, here's some Type O Negative!! Ha ha this band is a guilty pleasure that I somehow stumbled upon a few months ago. I say guilty because it might seem silly and dated to some.

Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing 

You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing 
Dye em black - dye em black 

Black black black black No. 1 

She dyes em black black black black No. 1 

Lol it's so goofy but I love this song. Good metal.

August is here, time to get to work.

"Put it to Rest machine"

Goodmorning to any of my readers.

Today is one of those slow type days, the type where I have nothing really planned, will usually sit around and play guitar all day, and probably not write unless I get it done early. I feel like writing so here goes, the rare morning blog.

I had to be up around 9 this morning because I had a dentist appointment at 10:30. It was my Dentist's 40th birthday today and he got my filling done painlessly in about 20 minutes. They put so much anesthesia in my mouth it moved up to my right nostril. Right now I'm making chicken with rice. My mom is talking on the phone in the next room and it pains me to see her this hurt.... I love her so much, she works so hard and she doesn't deserve to done wrong by anyone. I'm planning on staying close to home here today and tomorrow because I'm trying to be there for her and bring her up as much as I can.


I have been feeling really broke lately. I'm trying not to spend into my last $100 before my paycheck and that can be hard when temptation is everywhere obviously. Man I have somehow not done a great job saving this summer. If I'm lucky they'll be able to transfer my job up to Yakima and I can continue making some minor form of income while going to school. Ha ha livin' the dream, poor person college life. I don't even think I make enough money or have good enough credit to apply for a JCP credit card more than likely, ha ha ha. I think this is one of the many reasons people drop out of college to find better jobs. Of course a lot of people do work more than me during the summer, shh..

Jay was really surprised that my parents still help me out with money. He said his parents stopped giving him allowance when he was about 14 (although he says he's been working for his Dad since he was 8). Honestly I don't even earn allowance, I just help out around the house somewhat and my parents give me money if I ask for it for the most part. I'm pretty lucky to have this option once and awhile in order to save more of the money I earn but I'm pretty sure Jay thinks I'm spoiled.

It's now 1 and I've eaten. Today should be productive. Oh I thought of a new goal coming home last night. This has been hanging over my head for weeks on end... After the Music Stopped is a book about the financial crisis that I plan to read for Sipic's class assignment. Okay that makes me happy and excited that it's August because I need to move out soon. I need to get ahold of the school about finding a roommate.

From this day forward I plan to read at least 10 pages of After the Music stopped every day to have accomplished reading a book this summer. 

Alrighty well I'll ttyl!

peace. 

Just like that, my life takes a drastic turn.

I've been avoiding writing today because it makes me sick to even think about it. That, and typing on my Mom's computer is a huge pain. I lost a friend today.



I felt as though part of me had died this morning when Katelynn told me out of the blue that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She sent me a text at 9 am: "Take those pictures down." Initially confused, I thought it was for her job interview. She told me no, that she feels our friendship should be over, and that for a long time things have felt very "one sided" and she's tired of making an effort.

Taken last night at Sheldon's birthday party that Rhiannon had invited me too. I had also seen Rhiannon at my party two days ago and at the coffee shop yesterday. We've become better friends since RadCon recently but more than likely we'll end up losing touch until summer.

I started crying, embarrassingly enough because I was surrounded by practical strangers on my friend Sheldon M.'s living room couch. These guys are really nice, though. I was super shocked though, like my body felt sort of numb and my head ached from drinking the night before. I had gone into town to buy my Dad some Matrix hair gel but didn't find it at three places. I ended up buying a generic version at Sally's and he yelled at me for that tonight. I don't blame him, he gave me $100 and I spent all of it... $35 of which for my own stupidity.

I locked my keys in my car last night and had to call a tow guy to come open my car door. When he showed up I had been crying for about an hour. I told him not to come until 10:15 and I was even struggling going home.

A couple people that were at the party didn't know why I was making such a big deal about it because some friends get in fights and make up quickly. Katelynn and I have had our ups and downs. She's stopped being my friend for a period of time and then we've picked up again. Some of my most vivid memories have been spent with Katelynn-- from the System of a Down concert, the Coheed concert, the tons of nights hanging out watching Southpark and Netflix enjoying eachother's company... It's always loved being with Katelynn, she's one of the primary reasons I come home.

Of all the things in my life I never thought that would be threatened. I thought we were going to be "friends forever," and I know that sounds clique but I really did get my tattoo on the back of my neck to prove that. Like granted they're not the same tattoo, and now I'm really glad Katelynn and I did not get tattoos together.... I've come to realize that relationships change in life.

My heart still hurts. I find myself considering the things I've said and wondering if there were signs. Just the other day I told her I loved her. She posted a status about me. I actually texted her to apologize for not "liking" it within a day because my computer's been busted. Who would do that if they didn't care. I also brought her some clothes she'd left at my house the other day even if the trip was kind of out of my way. I try to put effort into our friendship, I always did to the best of my ability.

But the more I think about it the more I realize maybe things weren't quite perfect in our relationship even if I failed to realize it. Katelynn told me to take our pictures down on facebook but I refused because the photos are special to me.

We haven't necessarily talked with her any less since I've moved off to college. In fact I'd say I am home on average more than most people. I said this to Katelynn and she says she definitely understands being busy and it's the time we spend together that has bothered her lately. What's sad is that she hasn't told me anything. I always told Katelynn to tell me if something bothered her, but she said it's been a number of things. There's nothing in specific.

I've just felt crazy all day-- very tired, lightheaded, lazy and unproductive. I only practiced for 40 minutes... And I feel for the first time in years that I have nowhere to turn. Aside from my Mom that is, but I have always felt like I can tell Katelynn things that I can't tell my other friends and family. 

Which means this blog will need to become even more of an outlet for me. These entries will probably become more frequent and longer. If that's a problem for anyone that's too bad, without Katelynn to talk to it's inevitable that I will need this blog and the support of many to get through it. 

Thinking back to my party, I'm I've been trying to put together the pieces as to what broke the camel's back in our friendship, and some of the leading occurrences.... How about I just start out by telling you about my party. 

I will make a seperate entry for this.

peace.

Avery's graduation is on June 1st. Note to self, figure out school schedule.