"michelle!! baby where are you??/" Here's a story worth telling.

The other night after babysitting my new friend Megan's son I went over to Travis's apartment complex to crash for the night. Travis lives in a small apartment complex with about 6 units and Travis lives on the bottom floor with his long time friend Vinnie that he works with at the casino and his girlfriend. Neither of his roommates were home the night that I showed up at 1:45 am (2:45 am if you include the hour from Fall back. It was weird, I felt like I lived 1 am twice that night.....) so I was sitting in my car waiting for Travis to arrive home from work.

Lmao, here's a goofier picture of us taken on Halloween.. 

When I was sitting there with my lights off trying to go unnoticed by anyone who might be around I was startled to hear two drunks yelling at eachother in the parking lot. Travis pulled in pretty shortly after and helped me load my junk back to his house. I spotted the people that had been yelling at eachother and overheard the swarthy looking man probably in his late 30's whining, "Your friends were talking so much shit about me!!" and this blonde woman like desperately pleading with him, "They would never do that, baby! Seriously!!" Sprinkle in lots of slurred 'shits' and f-bombs in there too.

Travis and I go back to his room and I'm super zonked so I just laid down and started telling him about babysitting this super adorable 2 year old that was also a total handful.. Mind you, it was definitely at least 2:20 am by then. Suddenly out of nowhere, we hear a man's voice at the top of his lungs:

"MICHELLE...?! Oh my God baby, NO!" Sound of running frantically, stomping feet and slamming doors... 

Silence. I hopped up and told Travis to turn off his fan and open a window.  Travis was of course like, "What the f&*^?" peeking through the blinds and said he thinks it was the drunk guy from earlier. Drunk or not, he seemed like there was something very wrong. 

Already I had begun hypothesizing what had happened and quite honestly the first thought was that someone walked in on their girl or daughter who had hung themselves and they were in shock/disbelief. A couple minutes of silence past. You could occasionally hear stomping around from upstairs. 

"Michelle?! Where are you baby?! MICHELLE!!.. MICHELLE...!!.." Yelling her name then proceeds a few more times (not sure what good that's doing at this point but hey?) before a calm sounding older guy walks out of his own apartment and says, "Everything alright..?" 

The drunk guy responds, "I'm like so sorry man, I'm just looking for my girl, she's short, blonde... She was just here earlier and she walked off. She like disappeared. Oh God, Oh God no!!! How could this happen?" 

So basically this dude's drunk, pissed off girlfriend left the apartment complex on foot at 2 in the morning (presumably to walk down the street to the mini-mart) and he was acting like it was his helpless daughter that ran away in the night and he was too drunk to go get her. I'm glad it was neither of my hypotheses about what was going on and it was just two drunk people....... one of which was being WAY over dramatic.

Ha ha hope you enjoyed my story, when something as weird as that happens I don't think most people know how to respond. I kept thinking the cops were going to show up but it would have obviously just made things worse for the two involved. There didn't seem to be any evidence of abuse happening, just loud idiots making a scene. 

peace. 

Today was a hard day.

You guys know me, I'm a perfectionist. When it takes longer than I want to get things up to the standard I expect, I get frustrated. Today was kind of one of those days. It was my third day receiving poker dealing training at the casino and I grew anxious and frustrated when I felt like I wasn't getting things at the speed I should be.

Alright I need to back up. . .

My friend Ed invited me in for an interview a few days ago for a dealer position. My parents and I both assumed it was Blackjack so I did a lot of research on that before the interview. Ed then informed me that I would actually be auditioning for a position dealing poker. I have never played poker in my life. Or dealt with cards, really.

So everything was (and still for the most part is...) totally new to me and I'm trying to process a ton of information at once as well as use these little tricks required to deal in this game. I'm really lucky though because Ed is like... the coolest guy ever. He's someone I went to school with at CBC (nostalgia moment: we actually briefly hung out after class at some neat park in Kennewick and smoked a couple times. . . Back in like Spring 2012. At the time I was taking math 96 with Professor Zhang. Shawn sat next to Ed and in front of us sat the *probably* autistic guy that used to stick his hands down his pants in broad daylight. On my left was Josh F., who I now work with at Little Caesers-- small world. That's where I -also- met Cory B.... who led me to meet Guy S. which led to a *very* interesting summer.)

Anyway like I was saying about Ed, he's like this 30-some year old guy that recently got married and has two daughters. He's worked for a lot of different management because he's really good at what he does. He's also a good teacher. He's been really good at teaching me the game itself. Technique on some things he's been really helpful on, like this neat card fanning trick for aesthetic purposes. It's way harder than it looks.

So challenge #1, aside from being able to quickly shuffle the cards, organize the cards, and understand how to play the game when I'm still get confused on the terminology...

MAKE THIS PRETTY RAINBOW

From what I've seen all of the poker dealers are men but Ed brought me and this other girl Maria in to train for awhile. Maria has been messing around with cards since she was 9 so she knows how to properly pitch them, shuffle quickly, knows how to play etc etc... She's pretty and seems really intelligent.

Anyway I'm gonna hit it. Today was a shitty day at Caesers because I had to stay for 6 hours and didn't have much food in me so I got really cranky and down on myself. Now that I've eaten and talked to my mom I feel better. This is just another one of those things that if I really work at it I can achieve. 

peace. 

I'm Too damn honest.

Hi.

Well it's Wednesday and I'm anxiously waiting my paycheck that's coming on Saturday because I've got about $70 to my name and want to save as much as that as possible before that day comes. Why? For the satisfaction that I am saving money and that I didn't just spend all of my last paycheck getting through the last three weeks or so. Literally the last time they paid us was Thursday the 21st of August. Tomorrow that'll be 3 weeks ago.

I've done a good job saving my money by just not taking random trips into town or going out much. I've also had to abstain spending money on food while at work (not a hard thing to do considering there's usually free pizza out at one point) by making sure to eat beforehand. Spending money on snacks dries up your bank account like trying to kill someone by pelting them with little rocks.


..That was rather morbid. You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not in the most optimistic mood right now. Yesterday I did get good news but at the wrong time and this morning I got bad news that put some things into perspective on my job search but also made me the target of my Mom's criticism and put me in a shit mood.

I am an honest person. I have a hard time lying to people and naturally won't unless someone asks me to specifically to cover for them and even then it's a challenge if people start prying. My honesty has now gotten me into trouble twice because I was automatically filtered out after applying to Macy's and Ross because my answers didn't make me seem friendly enough.

When I was asked in the two surveys how "important it is that you make friends on the job" I thought it was a trick question. In my mind I think "Not important", duh, you're there to do a job and get work done, not find people to hang out with on the weekends. But after getting screened out twice that's CLEARLY a wrong answer. Though thinking about it now it was probably stupid to have selected that answer in the first place.

Kayla told me, "You have to make yourself sound perfect on those things." My response was, "How is wasting time perfect?"

But then again, it's retail. You're expected to be super friendly toward everyone including your coworkers. For some reason I just think of "being friendly" and "making friends" as two completely different things. My Mom was really pissed at me this morning because that distinction kept me from getting an interview at Macy's. All I could say was, "Well how about you go work at Macy's," lol.

Here's a picture of a Russian cathedral on a lake in St. Petersburg for no reason.

Now for the good news!! Kayla referred me to her boss at Subway and he actually gave me a call yesterday after receiving my resume. Unfortunately I spaced putting Little Caesar's on my resume so it made it seem like I was trying to mislead them to think I had full availability. Kayla has explained to her boss that at my current job I only get about 11-15 hours a week and would be more than willing to work mornings. He called me yesterday at 2 at work.... whoops.  

So my mom has also been hassling me this morning about calling him back. I've tried to call the restaurant twice and nobody picked up so I'm just hoping I get a call from him before the end of his shift. He works from 5:30-3 pm so I'll try again around 1:30 when the lunch rush is going down.

Working at Subway would be great because I could potentially even get full time hours if I do well enough there. We'll see what happens. I'd rather have two part time jobs because of the change in environment but it might become a hassle when my class starts. Doesn't matter, I've been pretty much broke and useless way too long now. 


I haven't heard from the guy that I had recently taken interest to in about 2 days, which sucks because he seemed really interested in spending time together about a week ago. Jared's snapchat indicates he was drinking and eating pizza with some ugly bitch last night. Of course they're taking selfies together on his phone. You never did selfies with me you prick!! 

Lmao. Okay that's enough with all that. I want to take a run.

peace.

Annoying log-in problems has made posting difficult.

Okay, I was finally able to merge my gmail accounts so that I can log in to my blog using my primary address. For some reason I'd still had it set to my hotmail account and couldn't remember the password. Anyway, you'll be seeing more posts from me from here on out. Finally.

Today is June 17th. The last week of school was incredibly stressful and moving back home was crazy. Joel and I ended on a rather shitty note and I'm just happy to be back home, even if in less than 24 hours I've successfully made both of my parents really mad at me.

Before I tell you guys why I'll talk a little about my last week of school.

The forecasting project that I thought I was more than ready for turned out to be the total pits. I can't tell you how many hours I spent trying to finish that thing. It was so frustrating because it didn't have to be that way if I had just picked a more predictable dataset in the first place. I originally tried forecasting propane sales by using this weekly data that had over a thousand observations and no obvious seasonality. I'd done about half of the project when Wassell told me the data needed to be seasonally adjusted before I could model it. The adjustment didn't help me and I decided to switch datasets altogether.

What made having to redo the project twice even harder was that Joel was already finished with his project and was able to study for the ETS exam with Logan the econ tutor that night. Joel ended up getting in the 96th percentile, which is fantastic. I got in the 86th which is better than I'd expected. If you look at the distribution curve on this exam there are more people in the 50th-60th range so I did better than 86% of other college econ kids across the country which I felt quite accomplished with.

Seeing that test score made me feel more confident in having made the right decision to be an economics major. It really proves that I learned a lot about business, the economy and scarcity instead of just regurgitated information for tests.

That night after my last exam I went out with my neighbors Gabby and Een for Een's birthday. He hadn't been out to the Ellensburg bars before so we tried to pick the best bars to avoid making him feel awkward (no 301, ha ha). We went to the Tav, Starlight and Shooters. We shared a pitcher at the Tav but the rest of the night I was drinking tequila, mainly because my mind was completely zonked after staying up all night to study for the ETS and tequila makes me feel awake and fun (ha ha). 

Going to the Shooters was the last time I saw Joel. He was surrounded by a couple trashy looking girls and I just stepped right between them and started talking. The girls kind of gave me a look and I just laughed in their face. Right, like your skinny ass in that tiny dress when it's 50 degrees outside and windy deserves my respect? Joel looked drunk but I offered to buy him a drink so I could close my tab. 

When I asked the bartender for a tequila+lemonade and a rum+diet he looked at Joel and was like, "It's not for him, is it?" I didn't say anything because I knew Joel had probably been ordering them all night and if I was smart should have ordered something else (or nothing for him at all). The bartender then looked at Joel, pointed at the door and said "Get out." and Joel starts arguing and asking why. The bartender just kept saying, "I don't need to tell you why. Get out." It was kind of embarrassing. I mean guys get kicked out of bars all the time but he always seems to go overboard. 

We didn't talk after that night. I'd tried to get ahold of him multiple times to see him one last time before I left but he ignored me completely. It made leaving Ellensburg a lot easier. I hate goodbyes in general so maybe it was better we ended this way.

So now I am home! Kind of feeling like a guest here because everything has changed so much, including no longer having my bedroom. I am under a lot of pressure to find a job, and I managed to get a four day gig working cherries for the Edwards but my first day I f*ed up big time. My stupid phone was on silent this morning so I didn't hear my alarm and didn't make it at 4 am like I should have. I lucked out because they didn't work today because of the rain but my parents were both humiliated and extremely mad that I would be so irresponsible. I don't blame them. 

I'm just hoping I can work hard and get back into the groove of things so I don't get yelled at like this every day.. it sucks

peace. 

Get some ambition, why you bored

Evening. It's 10 pm.

This week I worked really hard... Monday and Tuesday I studied 3.5 hours and I finished my finance homework early (granted it was quite easy and now I have the dubious task of studying the other three chapters for the test this weekend). My first Finance test is next Monday and Carbaugh's test is on Tuesday. This weekend I'm going to be studying a lot. At least I'll get to sleep in. Getting up at 8 every day is the pits (ha ha).

My friend Michael G. really would make an incredible professor. He came over last night and walked me through R from the very beginning. He taught me how to assign variables, make graphs, constrict data, format the axis... I was so happy to get that help because I was starting to get really lost. I plan to play around with R again this weekend. My next assignment for forecasting doesn't require coding so that was somewhat of a relief. We're learning about judgmental forecasting and the limitations and biases of the human brain. Business college has really taught me to think more critically and logically.

Today I did slack, though. When I got home from classes I took a nap and ate a really crappy lunch. I accidentally burnt the chicken nuggets and fries I was making and they came out pretty flavorless. I feel antsy so I went to the gym until around 6'. It's always a nice stress relief but I rarely feel like studying afterward.

I am going to work on Carbaugh multiple choice questions and watch Netflix until bed. My parents are coming up for Easter Sunday so I'm going to have to really clean my house before they get here. I think knowing I'm going to have a lot to do this weekend gave me permission to slack today.

Wow, this is only my third blog entry this month and it's the 17th, that's depressing. The amount of work that I'm having to do this quarter has made my leisure time more scarce. I've had to really put guitar and drawing on the back burner but when I do have time I'd rather be doing that and watching TV than writing.

peace. 

No excuses or turning back now

OKAY, first week of school, second to last quarter, no doubt going to be the hardest one I've ever taken.... Here we go.

Two of my three professors (Wassell and Carbaugh) I've already taken so I know their lecture style and class format pretty well (especially Carbaugh, I'm pretty sure this is the fourth class I've taken with him so there's no surprises there). My finance professor Becker seems cool, her teaching style is a LOT like Sipic's, tons of asking the class questions and trying to make them think for themselves. 

She's a tiny lady, like she reminds me of Aunt Cheryl because I doubt she weighs over 115 pounds. I can tell she's a really smart, no BS kind of professor, and I'm going to have to do a lot of studying to do well in her class. I have too.. This class might have scared me last quarter but this quarter I'm facing it head on. 

Thus far my time management has been alright, could be better. I've read the first chapters of forecasting and finance this week and looked over some of the homework. It usually takes me a little longer to get back into the swing of things. I was also able to write down everything that I needed to get done this week assignments wise and will start tackling those today. 

This last week I continued to do art when I found time and completed a few more drawings. Last night while lying in bed I thought it would be a good idea to make a separate facebook page to showcase my work. I figured an external location would be beneficial, especially if I continue to develop my small sole proprietorship where a person could pay $20 for a guaranteed drawing if they chose too. 

Here's a pic of Alex Lukyanov, my friend from Russia that I've known for years now. I'm starting to experiment more with clothes, backdrops and props.

Here's a link to my page: https://www.facebook.com/emilysportraitstudio

Well that's all I've gotta say for now. Today is going to be spent doing schoolwork mainly. I let Marshall out this morning and here it is 1 pm again and he's still not back. Turns out he literally goes to all of my neighbors houses and meows to get let in, which is crazy. Drives me nuts how fearless he is. Yet he always manages to come home... 

peace. 

Oh just screw it.

Hey guys, it's almost 1 am.... I had a f*ing crazy long day, long weekend, lots of stuff going on that I need to tell you.

 I promise to tell you more about my weekend tomorrow, to anyone reading, how about THAT?! But for now I've got more serious stuff on my mind.

If cigarettes are as big of an instant stress relief as I've heard people say they are I should never smoke. 

Maybe it's my Jewish roots that can take me from feeling perfectly content and confident one day to being completely stressed to the point of feeling completely hopeless and out of control of my life. This quarter academically I've felt very out of control because of the stress that Finance class initially put on me not having the textbook on time, then realizing I wasn't ready to hack the material at the speed the instructor was going so I had to drop it... This was a hard enough issue as it was.

Sipic totally went to bat for me to get me into Hedrick's class late (Tuesday of week 3, technically the last day you could enroll late). I was thrilled about this opportunity initially until I went to the bookstore and realized they didn't have a copy of what I needed. I needed the access code so I figured ordering it at the school versus Amazon wouldn't make that much of a difference. Dropped $150 and it was projected to arrive her Thursday. Thursday...... More than halfway through the week.

I let Sipic know about this and he gave me a Micro book from a different course just in case I wasn't able to get a copy of the text. Because I didn't have the right syllabus for Hedrick's class at this point I messaged him to get the material that we'd covered but he didn't get back to me on that (he probably figured I had the syllabus, which does have what I need...).

So I had Hedrick's class this morning and it didn't seem too bad... He was going over the demand and supply curve shifts that occur when tariffs and taxes are placed on imports. It's not like it doesn't make sense to me but having entered the class after missing two weeks of review material it felt a little rusty to me. Hedrick seems like a nice guy, he told me to meet him at his office so he could get me caught up on what we were doing.

I went to his office and he told me that the class had already done two homeworks and two quizzes and said he'd give me some leeway because I'm just entering the class. I mean that's great and everything but homework and quizzes are through an online source so they close when they're due.

So here I am, trying to manage my time for the night with a huuuuge amount of micro work to do and a little bit of macro homework... I made what was due first a priority so I spent 8 hours working on micro tonight... Not even freaking kidding you guys. And I actually did make some progress on the third homework that was assigned to the class which was sort of impressive considering the circumstances. The homework was due at 11:50 and around 11' I couldn't take it and decided to call my Mom. Offfff course I was crying, feeling like it's the end of the world and she somehow makes me feel better.... I love my Mom so much. 

She made me realize that with the way everything has gone this quarter there's no shame in just taking 10 credits. If I continued taking this class that I'm entering 3 weeks late I'd inevitably sacrifice a huge amount of studying for my other classes and bring my entire GPA down. Not worth it at all.

peace. 

What do I need to do NOW to get where I need to be.

Things have gotten a lot better academically since I cut back my dose of prozac. I definitely feel more "with it" than I did before and able to comprehend the material more easily. At this point in time however I do feel like time is against me and that I'm going to have to really fight this quarter to pass one of my classes. 

Managerial has gone from bad to worse. I studied for the quiz for 4 1/2 hours on Wednesday and really thought I had the material down but the way the multiple choice questions were worded you almost had to have mastered it to know the correct answer. 

Like here's an example...

Going into the test I knew that oligopolies are markets that are dominated by a small number of sellers selling slightly differentiated products. Pricing decisions that one firm makes effects price that other firms in the industry makes (an oligopolist company lowering prices would cause demand for the other firms to drop, therefore the other firms would be forced to drop their prices too...)

You think that would be enough to know about one concept... Here's the question I got on the test about Oligopolies (*might not be the exact wording but this is basically what it said)

Which of the following is true of oligopolies?

A. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell standardized products.

B. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell differentiated products.

C. The price decisions made by oligopolies tend to effect it's competitors.

D. (*...another answer that seemed true)

E. All of the above.

So of course I'm just sitting here like Wtf. A and B cancel eachother out... When I think of standardized products I think of oranges or something in a perfectly competitive market so I ruled out A.. But then I thought B and C were correct so I didn't want to just choose either. I should have chose B because I know for sure that one is right but I ended up choosing E because I was convinced that B, C and D were all correct... 

There were a lot of questions on the test like this. Two answers look right, and then sometimes you have the choice of "all of the above" or "b and d" or something like that. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping I passed and got over a 70%... Seriously passing is what I care about in this class. Ghosh and I just don't connect... I don't like the way he lectures-- he goes way too fast and makes me feel like I don't belong there.. He makes me feel like I picked the wrong major. Which is the worst feeling imaginable...

So I have to fight. I want to be an economist. I want to have managerial skills and understand marginal analysis! I want to speak this language and be able to use economics terms correctly and confidently when I have to do essay questions on his tests. I know that in order to do this I have to work like I never have before while not neglecting my Money and Banking and Finance classes-- neither of which are cakewalks by any means.

But for some reason I always feel more initiative to read Sipic's material first, even if technically I'm doing the best in his class of all three and should be putting that last on my list. I think once again it just shows that my motivation is based a lot on the authority figure that I'm trying to impress. And I WANT TO do well in Ghosh's class too... (Jake would have me reword that to "I will do good in Ghosh's class") But it's the hardest class I've ever taken. 

This weekend I've dedicated almost entirely to studying. My Mom should be coming up this evening and we're going to go shopping tomorrow for the career fair. I think she's also going to get me a winter coat to survive the nasty wind and cold coming up here in less than a month. 

YangHaiYing made this video that really inspired me yesterday. It's true, school and work is chaos! When you have someone telling you what to do you feel out of control. That's why when you're alone and it's quiet (when you naturally want to be lazy because you can) you have to "create chaos" to continue making progress. 

The most important thing is to never give up... Ghosh has honestly been the first one that's made me question if I really belong here. I called my Mom yesterday and she said "Well maybe you don't need to do two majors, just do one..." I was like "Wtf? No!" That's basically like saying "Too hard, well fuck it I'll just half ass this." 

I will get that double major. I have this image in my head of how proud I will be to have both of those degrees and how ready and confident I will be to enter the real workforce at that point. In order to get there I MUST understand the logical theories that accompany MARGINAL ANALYSIS. I need to eat, sleep, breath marginal analysis... lol. 

Brad came over the other evening which was really nice, I made him chicken linguine with vegetables and he really liked it even if it turned out kind of spicy for my taste. Lol I'm not used to cooking for two people. We watched South Park and the Office and talked for hours. He's definitely one of my best friends, I feel like I can talk to him about anything and he won't judge me. He's very complimentary of me so he helps boost my self esteem when I'm feeling depressed... Yup, even if Brad's in his 30's I can relate to him much better than most people my age. Hanging around Brad has also made me more interested in men in their late 20's early 30's because I realize the maturity difference there.

Ha ha of course you all know one guy in his 30's that I'm absolutely crazy about.... Sigh, he's so amazing, funny, handsome and intelligent... If I could ever find a man like that I'd be set and live happily ever after. 

peace. 

Most extreme uphill battle.

God damn I don't say this enough but I am proud to be me right now.

I just finished perhaps the most difficult test I've ever taken, aside from those horrible accounting tests I took the first quarter here where I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Of course this test was for Money and Banking so there's no excuse for me to not to be able to comprehend the material. If I were to do bad on a test, it means I didn't study hard enough. Period.

And even if I've been studying money and banking pretty consistently for the past week yesterday was a rude awakening that I still had a lot of work to do. Terry and I met up in the library yesterday around 6 after both of us had studied on our own for a couple hours. I brought the multiple choices questions (Terry didn't.) and we tried studying from that but there were so many answers that I didn't have that the process was slow.

I'm really lucky that this guy named Randy came up and started studying with us because he had a better grasp on the material than I did and was able to work with me on the material better than Terry. I feel like Terry wasn't prepared, he didn't even have his handouts with him and I had to reprint mine. It wasn't actually until Randy showed up that I realized the handouts match so closely with the multiple choice questions which saved me a lot of time. Even after we made this discovery Terry still didn't print them out so unless he went home and studied a ton last night and this morning like I did I think I might have beat him on this one.

Though I could be eating my words later... I'll let you know what my first Money and banking and public finance test scores on Thursday. Tomorrow I have NO CLASS! (Perfect timing...) I'm not out of the clear for the day yet though, I've still got to write that essay on risk for managerial which means I need to read Appendix A and B over again...

So yeah man my senior year's been tough so far and I've never feel so challenged yet so fulfilled with myself when I push myself as hard as I do to understand these theories and concepts.

On test days I wear my hair like the Tomb Raider because it makes me feel more confident for some reason. Girl power! lol

I haven't even practiced my guitar in two days, doesn't that suck? Sometimes you just have to do what you've gotta do though to accomplish your most important priorities... last night if I would have chose to play my guitar when I got home from studying at the library instead of studying more I probably would have done a lot worse today. 

That assignment for managerial opens up at 3 and it's 11:39 right now... I feel like going back to bed. I can always practice guitar after I do that writing assignment because I have no school tomorrow and will have plenty of time this evening. Oscar did invite me to come out and drink but that's just a weekend thing for me..... meh I want to hang out with people that are trying to be my friend though. 

This last weekend I did go out to the bars on Friday and Saturday. On Friday I went with Bruce and his friends after Abe ditched me and Saturday I went over to Allie's then to a bar. I was originally really on the fence about whether I wanted to go out on Saturday because I did have a lot of reading to do but looking back I'm happy I did. Allie's friends were quite nice to me even if when I first got there I know I was putting off kind of a sad vibe-- I don't know that night I just wasn't in the mood and it was really hard for me to get there. I think it's because I felt guilty and was debating whether I wanted to drink or not. Once I did start drinking I loosened up, and ended up eating a big dinner so the hangover on Sunday wasn't bad. 

Pita pit drunkies is the best. Lol I swear to God I eat WAY more when I'm drinking than when I'm smoking. "Munchies" have never really existed for me but "Drunkies" definitely does. Ha ha it's like the more I drink the more I can actually relax about enjoying food... which is why I gotta keep drinking to a minimal if I want to keep my frame.

That night I danced with a friend of one of Allie's friends named Nathan at the 301. Nathan was a super cool guy who kept me company that night, took me to go get food when I was hungry at shooters and everyone else had eaten-- you know figured I'd dance with him. But I wasn't like into it romantically at all and I remember him kissing on my neck when we were dancing at the bar and I remember thinking "Damn it'd be so f*cking funny if Terry happened to be here and see this.." because I know he would have been jealous as Hell. He's always so vague when it comes to talking about this (dare I say) "relationship" we have and likes to act like he doesn't give a shit but I know that if he were to see something like that it would bother him because he's never perceived a threat of me losing interest in him. 

It could happen. I do meet other guys. But with Terry being there all the time it makes it difficult for my romantic interest to shift elsewhere... and because there's no way we'll actually be in a relationship in college because it's too close for comfort I just have to be content with the way things are now. 

I need to start writing more so I have more patience to write about the details of these nights out because they're the nights I'll want to remember. Right now I don't feel like telling much more about it 

peace. 

wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace. 

maybe people piss me off.

Hmm.

Well it's 1:21 am. Miranda is laying on my bed with a smile on her face. Makes me happy to see her this happy around me again. For the past week and a half or so I've barely seen her, she's either been outside under the BBQ or in my sister's room. Who knows maybe she's in here when I'm working.

Did my 5 pm-12 am shift today. It was easy enough, nobody really bothered me. Though I feel kind of anxious about the fact that suddenly the whole cleaning system is going to change and each section is going to be fully responsible for when they go home and their MANAGERS will tell them when they can leave... and of course I've got J. Apparently this starts in September... I can survive anything for a month. But ugh God it just sucks, to be honest I'm so tired of working in the kids department. It gets so messy and it's such a pain in the ass every day.. especially when you've got people on your team that aren't pulling their weight.


Candace today was singing and "color organizing" clothes while I was running around doing go-backs so I could start you know, getting things together so that we don't have to leave at 11:45 pm... I caught her doing this shit today too, I'm like "Candace what are you doing?....Uh, I think we could probably use more help getting go-backs out from the boys fitting room.." The thing is that it's so transparent that she knew this so she's like "Sorry!" immediately after I'd asked what she was actually doing there when there was piles of clothes on the ground 20 feet away.

This is why my job is truly exhausting and annoying. Our boss Tomas had a group meeting tonight after we'd closed (We got out EARLY! Wow, awesome, 11:20 let's gtfo...) This meeting dragged on for 25 minutes because people wouldn't shut the hell up and let him talk. I wanted to slap the hell out of this girl standing next to me. Lol I love Jasmine, she's like "Some of us would like to go home tonight please." We kept on catching eachother's glances at the meeting because it was obvious we were both exhausted and wanted to go home.

I like Jasmine, I respect her a lot. She works hard and she's one of the main reasons I haven't put more effort into switching departments honestly. Cassandra is the girl with the long black hair, accent that comes from Texas. God for the longest time I haven't been able to remember anyone's names. I actually had to ask her what her name was when I had to briefly call J. today and she looked pretty ticked off. I should really try to be more friendly toward her. I feel she puts in effort too.

I never really know what to say to anyone. People were talking a lot tonight but I found myself completely unable to really get into conversations with anyone. It's like I have nothing to really talk about with anyone because my mind is so one track lately. All that's on my mind is guitar lately. Well... and Jay. Haven't talked to him in a couple days. I kind of wish he'd text me more often. I wanted to text him this evening but I looked at our message history and I had sent the last 2 so I felt kind of lame.

Meh. He's got stuff to do, I like that. Still I don't even know what to think of this. I still feel like he's going to suddenly text me and say that he just thought it over and changed his mind. Because guys just do that, they change their minds like nothing

peace. 

damn near perfect (and some work nonsense)

Hola.

Okay I am so happy that this blog entry is not going to be me saying "Jay flaked and we didn't end up going" (ha ha, nothing against him in particular but you guys know how things go). We actually went. I've finally been to the damn boat races. Ha ha, my family was never interested in that so I'd never went when it's like this big thing in the tri cities. The boat races themselves for me was nothing to write home about because there wasn't anywhere to sit and we basically just paced around and people watched for an hour and a half. BUT, on the bright side we did get there right on time to see the final race and got in free because it had barely turned 4' pm. Win-Win.

This is Jay. Lmfao this is exactly how he looked when he pulled up to my house. 

Jay got here on his bike at like 2'. I was like huhhh... I figured he'd be bringing his truck because he said that he'd be driving us. There was no way in Hell I was going to ride on the back of his bike all the way to kennewick when I'd never been on one before. So I ended up being driver initially which I could tell wasn't what he had planned but.... I was pretty adamant about that from the get go.

We stopped and got Mexican food which admittedly just okay. I was debating between tamales and a burrito and ended up getting the burrito and scarfing most of it because I was starving. He ended up getting the tamales and they were covered in melted cheese which was really unusual. Oh well, it's Mexican food, you really can't go wrong in most cases.

After the boat races we stopped at the liquor store over on G. Way... There's like the Wal Mart of Liquor stores over there, HUGE. We milled around for a little bit, I didn't really know what I was looking for. I always just get my favorite (Corona).

LMFAO... okay I was originally going to post a picture of some clique looking Corona model to spice up this blog so I looked up "Corona girl" and found this. Dude that's the REAL Corona girl right there, ha ha I might have met her in a bar once....

Anyway me and Jay came back to my place, watched The Wonderful Whites on Netflix (lol that's a test.....) and he thought it was funny!!!! yaaaay, ha ha ha. That's kind of one way I can tell if I'm going to relate to a guy or not. Play some bizarre ass show or documentary that I find hilarious or amusing and see how he reacts. Most guys fail this test because when they're with me they're too distracted to actually watch it.

So yeah such a nice day... I honestly can't remember the last time I went on an actual date and felt like I wanted that for awhile. Dating to me feels like it did when I was 15, I'm just going to have fun taking this really slow and see where it goes. He's such a well rounded guy, like he's intelligent and mechanical.

I think I've always liked guys that can fix things because I have a tendency to break things.

Okay enough about that. It would be pretty embarrassing if he found this . Luckily he's not the snoopy type... or the internet type, so I feel like this blog's pretty safe from him ever finding it and knowing more of my thoughts than I'd want him to know.

Work was lame and boring like always. Nothing interesting happened but I did get stuck up in kids which is always a blast and a half.... I got this lovely 80's perm lady at the beginning of my shift that came in wanting to buy a bunch of clearance clothes, so of course nothing was ringing up the right price and I'm standing here trying to change the prices, take things off the hangers, fold and make meaningless conversation simultaneously. Apparently I'd made some mistakes and I tried to correct them. Megan then stepped in, undermine me in front of the customer as she likes to do in a given opportunity, and basically told me to get lost to restart the transaction. Lol fine by me I didn't want to deal with this.

Of course afterward Megan had to hunt me down and pretty much "coach" me on what I did wrong. This is like the third time she's done this with me. She's like, "You were arguing with a customer. . . If a customer asks you to do something you just do it. Every one one of items were not priced right, I had to fix all of it."

This chick is my age, mind you, and not a manager. 

I could say some really nice things about her appearance to paint a picture for you guys but that's too low for my level. . . . 

Granted she has worked there longer so knows the system a little better than I do but I was definitely not acting rude to customers.  I'm just standing here while she lectured me like "uh-huh.." Big smile, pause. Stare straight into her eyes. "Alrighty then!" (ha ha ha ha....) I can read so much hatred from her toward me, it's fun. Like she obviously thinks I am completely inadequate at my job.

God there are so many reasons I'd much rather NOT work in kids. Dresses is so much better. Granted I did enjoy talking to Jasmine today. She's Afr. American and really pretty in my opinion. Plus she's funny and laid back, I enjoy working with her. 

peace. 

Who cares

Yo.

Let's see it's almost 1:30. Actually got up at 12:30 because I was too tired to stay awake after breakfast. Miranda was laying there so cutely, how could I resist. Uhm let's see I've got work, AGAIN, at 4... That's the forth day in a row. I know, nobody cares because everyone has to work-- most people have more stressful jobs than I do. I actually really like that this job lets me do a lot of walking around because I felt kind of stuck at the register at Rite Aid. That sucked and was quite boring.

Some shower thoughts:

I realize now that in my life I've always expected instant manifestation of my wants because that's what I've always demanded. I feel this is one of the reasons I never had luck with men growing up, is because deep down I thought so highly of myself and was so spoiled that I wanted to get "all attention right now right this second" which would throw guys off. Like that's the only way I can explain it. I just wanted the instant gratification of having someone there when in actuality that's something that has to be worked for. 

In the past year I have learned to be much more patient in school, work and life and try to live as independently as possible in the present. I do what I have to do and if I'm busy being alone no longer bothers me at all. 

I've been feeling pretty emotionally stable lately. Work has gotten a lot easier and they actually put me on the schedule in dresses yesterday so we'll see if that's permanent. Kids is annoying to work in but the people that I work with have been pretty nice so it doesn't matter. Shoot I just realized I don't have much time to write, I'll write again later after work maybe I've gotta eat lunch right now though... I've had a lot on my mind lately that I want to remember later... I'll write for sure tomorrow.

peace.

Hmm tonight will be interesting.

I have some news. It's 2:00 pm and I still haven't been able to play guitar because a lot has been on my mind.

Katelynn broke up with Alan recently, for good this time. They got back together for like a day but then she found out about an incident that occurred during the time they were broken up and cut it off for good. She's been hanging out with her friend Zach lately, which is totally cool with me because she's probably less stressed out with him than in her apartment with Alan. 

I'm happy that I've never had to have the experience of living with a boyfriend before and then breaking up with him. It would just feel like being married too early in life to me. Of course Katelynn and I had entirely different circumstances growing up. She's been kind of forced to grow up faster from having to clean Jeff's house all the time and taking care of the horses to working at 16 then having to pretty much take care of her Mom when she got divorced when she was 18. There was a lot of reasons that she wanted to get out of her house early.

Anyway Katelynn met someone new and I'm going to meet her at one of the bars tonight. I work a closing shift tonight so I plan to bring a change of clothes with me. I hope this bar that we're going to is a dance place... lol probably not. I've actually been looking up some of the clubs in Seattle that I'd like to make the drive up to next year when I'm living in Ellensburg (*closer to Seattle). I'm also going to try to juggle having a job and going to school next year so that's going to be a challenge but I'm excited for it. 

I've actually started to enjoy dancing a lot now that I've found some rhythm with the guitar. I recently found out that my lack of rhythm initially comes from my father who has no rhythm, lolol. I had to work hard to overcome that but luckily my Jewish side helped me grow out of it. 

So yeah I guess I can dance pretty well now, I mean in comparison to the next white girl shaking her ass. It's nothing to write home about. But yeah dancing is fun! 

Anyway I'm gonna practice while I still can. Work at 7. I no longer dread work. I try to just get 1 credit app a day so that my managers won't bug me about it. It's like once I get one I can chill and clean up the merchandise the rest of the day which is actually not bad.

peace. 

Drinking wastes time and makes people sick

I was thinking a little earlier about how long I wanted to play guitar before I was able to fully dedicate myself and how happy I am that I've gotten to this point. I had my lesson today and had a really stressful week and so I was really happy to see Jake. He is so intelligent, direct and usually knows the correct logical perspective on all of my problems that I've ever told him about.

Like don't get me wrong, 99% of our lesson is just spent working. Any time that is not spent working is because I'm the one that's wasting time blabbing on about something because I want to get his advice on something. Lol he's not getting paid to listen to my problems or give me advice on anything.

But I really am going to take his advice on alcohol. He used to drink when he was in his earlier 20's and had a bunch of crazy shit happen like most people. Anyway he doesn't drink now because he says that it's just something that hinders progress and I think he's totally right. Like I could only play guitar for 40 minutes today, and the past few days I've been feeling better so there's no reason that I shouldn't be making 2 hours at least.

I need to know Master of Puppets like the back of my hand in 6 weeks and I've been making progress but seeing the speed that I need to have it at intimidates me. God, why did I decide to do such a difficult song? I'm going to put myself through boot camp practice the next week not only to escape some negative thinking that has dwelled on me this last week but also kind of recenter.

I took my probably one and only excusable day off work today. Last night I went out and felt so sick all night I couldn't move this morning. I've decided to never drink on a day before a work shift ever again. I know it's something that people just have to learn but with the medication that I'm on (Prozac) I feel that the alcohol has more sedative effects than the average person... like I get realllly tired when I drink. I have a good time and I'm usually quite attentive to what people are telling me but alcohol doesn't make me more talkative or confident in that sense.

Tomorrow I work at like 2. Jcpenny is becoming less stressful for me the more that I work there but it still blows working in kids. At least on the weekends they're more busy so it'll be more interaction with people versus mindless folding and sorting. Blegh, that's no fun for me. I've found that the task of dealing with clothes itself is much more obnoxious to me than other aspects like the fact that I'm not around any of the people I'd made friends with at work earlier. That's fine, though, it's a job and I shouldn't be able to make demands like what department I should be working in. But the second I get a new job I'm getting the hell out.

I feel really awkward asking people if they need help finding things because honestly my guess is as good as theres-- most people are just browsing around and don't have a set thing in mind. I have had a really hard time memorizing where stuff is because again, attention to detail.... It's probably just for the best that I look like I know what I'm doing, smile at people a lot, etc and everything will be fine. At least I hope so.

Today I was able to get a much needed errand done and reaped the reward of my paycheck. I'm caught up with guitar lesson payments until the end of the month. I get paid on the 19th. Alrighty then, good! I just need to focus on guitar... I feel like drinking once a week this past few weeks has made me very disoriented and lose focus on what's really important.


peace. 

4 days... : (

...Is how long it takes for a guy to not talk to you for you to realize that he's not interested in continuing contact more than likely. At least in previous experience that's what I've found... like if you text a guy and he doesn't text you back and it's been 4 days that usually means it's a done deal. The only exception to that is Terry because he'll text me once or twice a month. 

I swear to God Terry only really hangs out with other men... 

Terry has been making it seem like he wants to see me this week... Like he's sent me a couple texts saying I "should come up there this week." Well with an invite like that how could I say no! ...Kidding, honestly driving to Ellensburg to see Terry has been one of the last things on my mind this summer. With our history of poor communication and being around eachother only once or twice a month at school... I just figured there was no way that plan would be a plan we could actually execute. And it hasn't yet. 

Eric doesn't seem to want to communicate with me because he hasn't talked to me at all for about 4 days now. I did text asking where he worked but he didn't respond so I'm just having a feeling he doesn't want to get to know me and that this was a 1 night thing (*"not a one night stand", just 1 night of being around this person). More than likely he's got a girlfriend or something, who knows. I know nothing about him really aside from what I saw on the outside, and the people I'd come to his house with seemed to barely know him either. Like Terrance went to highschool with him or something but they just seemed like acquaintances. 

So yeah, that's been a little disappointing. I didn't mean to develop a crush like that but it has been sucking some of my motivation.

I did apply to office max today which is good. Got that taken care of and tomorrow I plan to hand deliver a few applications. I needed to take a day to rest today so I didn't. It's only 10' but I've already accomplished more than an hour of solid guitar practice and I'm going to make it an early night. I want energy tomorrow for getting these applications done. 

I've had this awful mucus-y cough lately that makes me sound like a 90 year old smoker. This black girl that I work with at JCpennies told me to "cover my cough because diseases can spread around here." I know she's right but I feel like she doesn't really like me like most people I'm working with in my department which sucks. 

I did get ahold of one of the nice managers at Office Max today and they have been reviewing applications for a new hire. I'm also planning on applying at Target tomorrow and maybe Craft warehouse. I don't know if there's a Staples in the tri cities but I could apply there too. All these places seem like totally reasonable, easy minimum wage cashiering jobs with way less stress than what I've been dealing with now. 

I like this pic of Sam, she posted it today

I would love to work at office max because I'd be there with Samantha who's never caused me stress in my life. I rarely see her anymore so it'd be awesome to work together. Lol I'd love if she was the one to show me how to do everything at work. The training there shouldn't be as confusing as all the bells and whistles on JCP's system. 

peace. 

Beginning job search tomorrow. Ha ha ha I'll tell you guys what.

I don't like it at JCpennies at all.

 It's too exhausting for me. The environment puts a lot of stress on me that I don't want... It's so fast paced and tiring... F*ck I worked until 12 am you guys. In KIDS. When all of my friends that I've met there are working down in dresses where it's obvious I should be working. I don't think my coworkers in kids like me very much at all. Most of my customers there don't speak English, it's super hard to get these "findmore" things and answer questions about products I know nothing about.... it's so frustrating you guys. I work hard and hate feeling like I'm messing up. This job is just not worth the stress.

I don't know, call me a spoiled brat if you will. This environment is just not for me.

Like I'd much rather be working in a slower paced work environment where organizing is not complete chaos. Because that's honestly what working at JCpennies feels like to me because you have racks and racks and racks of clearance stuff that's unorganized and you're expected to organize it by size and color and style... it's so bad!!! It's so overwhelming for me, omg I hate it! Ha ha ha!!! There, I said it. And I think I deserve to find a different work environment that works better for me.

I got my paycheck today.... $184. I have been more sick and exhausted these past three weeks that seeing those small pins was a major disappointment. I could be making minimum wage at a much less physically taxing job.

Tomorrow I'm going to apply to all of the craft and office supply stores in the tri cities. Seriously. I am that determined to get out of this situation because I feel like it's taking a tole on my sanity quickly. That's why I haven't even been writing that much because I've been too stressed out. Too stressed to write, how is that even possible. I haven't even been sleeping well.

Sigh... Goodnight you guys... I'm glad I was able to realize how much this job was wearing on me already... Please wish me luck on finding another arrangement as quickly as possible.

peace. 

Metallica is in my soul

Hello.

Well it's 10:25. I had a pretty good day at work and came home and got in some really solid practice time. My practice sessions have become more structured like they were last summer and I am able to fully focus on what I'm working on. Unfortunately there are a lot of songs that I want to play around with but
I should really be focusing on Master of Puppets. I don't know when that recital is but I hope not any time too soon... It's been super fun to learn so far.

Today work was rather tedious and slow paced but it gave me a better chance to get a hang of the register. I got two credit card apps today so I'm pumped. There's incentive for me to do well because it gets me more hours. More hours = more money. My Dad likes to buy his t-shirts at jcpenny anyways so I'm going to have him do a "Findmore" and have it shipped to the store... lol so silly. The way I see it the company doesn't care who's buying the stuff and he'd buy the damn things anyway.

Here's me looking goofy this morning before work. dur dur dur... 

Anyway went into work this morning at like 11'. There's nothing up saying where I need to be so I went to Kids because that's where I was hired originally. I met a couple of the ladies that also worked in kids who honestly weren't as talkative to me as my previous coworkers I've met which is kind of nice. 

No hating though, seriously!! I want to go back to working downstairs in Women's dresses. But being upstairs has let me get used to the register. So that was a good choice today I feel even if I did miss working with my buddy Kevin, ha ha ha.

Lmfao, I need to tell you guys about Kevin.

He's this kid that got hired at the same time that I did. I added him on facebook and this is the picture that stood out to me the most... ha ha ha. Yeah he was a male cheerleader back in the day. That's intense though, that's a real sport. I mean check that girl out on top, that takes major athleticism. Anyway he's 17 and just graduated highschool. Very sweet person and apparently really smart. He's kind of goofy though and we crack eachother up.

ANYWAY. We both showed up to work kind of early so we were just chatting about whatever for about 20 minutes. I told him a little about myself and my hobby and tried to guess what he was into. He told me that he Didn't really have any hobbies because he was always sort of shadowed. I was like seriously? Idk, I guess I was sort of in the same boat. I immediately told him that he should take up an instrument with A sharp and went on about a schpeel about how it's helped everything in my life and yadda yadda yadda...

Seriously when I'm talking about where I get guitar lessons I think people might get the impression I'm trying to get them to join a cult. I'm just so serious about what people like Jake have openned my eyes too. I feel like musicians like Luke Jaeger, John Petrucci, Kirk Hammitt, chimp spanner, John Satriani, Michael Romeo, etc etc the list goes on and on.. All these guitarists have metal running through their blood and it brings together souls that know real pain. And even if it's not metal-- I mean most great guitarists play loads of genres just for the Hell of it.... guitar is just something magical. It's complete euphoria for me to be able to just be able to practice all day lately.

Luke actually lives in Seattle, so there could be a possibility of getting in touch with him.

I don't actually know him aside from through Jake. He's an outrageous guitar player. like Insanely blow your f*cking head off good. I want to know all about his story and how he got to this point and eventually would like to get some lessons from him if I move up that direction. It's not likely that he's going to stick around Seattle for that long though. He gives Skype lessons like Jake but he probably charges higher because I'm sure he doesn't even like teaching.

No, okay lemme back up... I'm not saying he wouldn't be a crazy good teacher. I'm just saying a lot of guitar players actually don't like teaching the basics. I've only been playing for two years and Jake has taught me a ton and still has a lot to teach me. Like before I stop taking lessons with Jake I need to know all the notes on the fretboard like the back of my hand, know way more scales, go back to working on arpeggios, different types of chords... There's still a ton of stuff that we haven't covered that I know Luke would probably be bored with. Luke teaches only other professionals. Jake enjoys teaching students that are more experienced as well. 

I've just been consumed by guitar and work lately. That's it guys. 

peace. 

Running on absolute E....

I'm so f**king tired... of everything.

 I am considering just moving out tomorrow instead of waiting the rest of the weekend. There's just been nothing going on since I finished finals, Terry hasn't talked to me since. Maybe the fact that I told him that I liked him threw him off. Again I don't really fing care at this point, I waited all quarter for his ass to be up front with me but he just can't. He pretty much used me as a study tool all quarter. We spent maybe three evenings together that didn't include preparing for some test... So that's 3 out of the probably more than 10 times I've spent time with him just us this quarter. It was a very confusing situation indeed.

Kristin is with her parents and they GUTTED this apartment... I mean spotlessly clean. I have no idea why when I'm not even moving out yet, but of course she wouldn't know that because we don't talk. I just want her to get out of here so I can get on with my day but I haven't been able to take a shower or anything because they've been occupying the place.

I hate getting my guitar worked on, especially in the tri cities because I have to drive all the way to the ugly part of Kennewick twice (so that's  about $12 gasoline right there) and almost always have to spend around $30.... it's just annoying, somewhat routine and expensive. 

So I'm grubby and really hungry right now... I haven't even played my guitar because Jake commented last night about how bad the tone sounds on my instrument right now (which means I'm going to switch to acoustic for awhile again, damn it). The bridge needs to get re-set or something-- I don't really know, some work that probably costs $30 which I don't have right now. I feel really useless not having anything to study. I haven't even drank coffee this morning. My routines have been completely f'ed up and I'm feeling very panicky and weird. Haven't felt that way in awhile.

Uhhh let's see, most of the foreign exchanged students are leaving today, there goes about half the people I've met here if not more and I'll probably never see them again. That's hard.

I don't know, I think transitional periods are hard for me in general... Like when I finished my classes there was a part of me that was kind of sad that I'm done with my third year of college. Yet at the same time I've still got a year and a half to go.. then probably grad school to get a law degree to be able to move up in big corporations. So I've got a lot to do, it's not like I've reached this giant milestone.

Still... I look around at this place that I've lived in for the past eight months and think about how much I've changed this year and what next year will hold. I feel like my social life sort of lacked this year in a lot of ways because it had to be because I worked extremely hard and knew that my body-mind couldn't juggle partying and going to school very well. Maybe I should have tried harder to make friends here and get to know people.

I didn't really do anything in the actual town of ellensburg, aside from go to the bars a few times when I got invited with a group of people. I didn't bother going to any of the shops in this town because they're kind of boutique-y and that's never been my thing. I'm usually more about convenience then leisure shopping so I really only shopped at Fred Meyer and when I'd go home on the weekends.

I got way better at the guitar these past eight months, even if my hours don't compare to what they were last summer I can feel myself becoming much more free and confident with my playing ability.

Okay I stopped hearing voices.... I think my roommate and her family might be gone. I'm going to take a shower and clean up, maybe put on a little makeup just to make myself feel more alive. Then I'll just continue packing until something comes up (if it does). If not I will be leaving first thing tomorrow morning.

peace.

Feel so strung out

I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I got stuck on my statistics lab and wasn't able to complete it... Like I looked away for 20 seconds to get caught up and bam, stuck. Terry couldn't help me because he was getting help from the girl sitting next to him that plays basketball. She pretty much always sits near him, brings him coffee sometimes in the morning, and I know they've been friends for a long time because of sports and that's really all they talk about. There's another girl that plays basketball in that class as well, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian just based on the fact that she's completely abandoned any trace of femininity.

I admitted to Terry today that I "lost" his number. He's like "How did you lose my number?" I couldn't even think of a good reply. I had no excuse for the fact that I did to him what I always do to guys that I'm actually interested in. If they show any indication that they're over me I usually delete their number so I have no opportunity to text them unless they text me first. It's simply a preventative measure to not text guys that I like because if you text first then you could potentially look like you actually want to spend time with them. Guys seem to hate that, God forbid they should feel obligated to take you out or spend time getting to know you.

Over the past few days I've actually regretted deleting Terry's number, not because I've thought about spending time with him necessarily because I gave up on that. What I'm really afraid of losing with him is my chance to continue to compete for the highest grades. This quarter his competitiveness has caused me to excel more than I ever could have imagined, and I really do want to take classes with him this summer for that reason. I hope that Terry can realize this and just respect me, I just want to be his friend and have things be cordial between us because honestly I have such little romantic interest anymore that it doesn't matter but he probably still thinks that I do.

I'm just tired of it. All of it. The game, the cold, feeling stretched thin. I love school and I love to learn but here in four weeks I'll be ready for a break and to work. Where I work this summer is really the question now, and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. Right now I'm just going through some horrible body pain so I don't feel like going out and delivering job applications or talking to anyone. I just want to sit right here and everyone else can leave me be...

I'm just afraid that if I don't go out and do this now there will be some wonderful opportunity that I'll miss... lol ugh, I'm so low on money right now, I'm in so much pain, I'm stressed out, earlier in class I wanted to cry when I didn't get how to do a f^&*ing histogram.. Ha ha very emotional so you can understand why I don't want to go anywhere.

Now that I've written about my frustration I feel a little better. It hasn't been the worst day so far, I mean there's food around here and that's always a plus. Kevin offered to help me out with the lab so that's going to be a huge help if he gets some time later. Oh!! And there's new episodes of intervention on Hulu! Season 8, that'll keep me busy for a few hours while I practice guitar this evening too. Woohoo, no reason to worry about anything f' it's Friday.... I am helping out a couple girls with their classroom project for AUAP so I'm not going to volunteer for that today.

I'm just a useless lump of laziness right now lmfao

peace