Why I trust NO man, I call bullshit. Endless bullshit.

Well, Jed screwed me over again. I'll explain in a minute, let me say the good things first....

 Here it is 7:35 PM. I'm lucky things don't bother me much because I've gotten almost everything I've needed to do done today. I'm super relieved right now because I originally thought my Chapter 15 test was scheduled for THIS Wednesday (when my appointment is scheduled) when it's actually on the 28th. Excellent, I have plenty of time to study for that test. Today I studied Chapter 15 for a solid hour and I intend to do another hour later. I've got NOTHING planned this weekend so all I have to do is study, relax and try to be happy on my lonesome once again... Fine with me, the stress from this previous week with this Jared-Jed situation has driven me close to the edge.

After my massive panic attack and talking to Ashley last night I texted to Jared to cut that off. I just basically told him I couldn't handle the stress of the situation, which is very true... I don't think I would have ever felt completely satisfied with Jared, at least not now-- maybe if he grew up a little bit. The age and maturity difference was just too much, even if it's just two years. I'm an extremely mature, intelligent 21 year old. Jared is an average, happy go lucky 19 year old. It just wouldn't have worked... He'll be fine, I'm having a feeling he's already pretty much forgotten about it and he's out having fun somewhere right now.

Jed though... Good God, today he made me break down into tears and almost have a panic attack because of his cruel way of treating me.

Yeah, I don't think I like this guy at all anymore... He still hasn't even added me to his f*cking facebook, like who the Hell does he think he is?

Let me re-hash what happened when he came over the other night. Nothing. We just sat together in my room, talked... He told me he was interested in starting where we had left off previously, I almost immediately forgave him for the previous experience and was happy he did.

This morning I sent him some message saying how hard it was to not kiss him, just something cute.. He responded "Lol well to be honest I think it's better if we just stay friends ya know. No drama or anything."

I'm like... Wow, what the Fuck, YOU initiated this... I just responded, "..So we're not going to spend time together then?" then "Ugh, again I wasn't expecting any relationship, I don't know if that means we'd be spending time together or what." No response...

I called my mom and cried, and she helped me realize this:
"And what drama are you referring too? Or imply will go on? I only recall you coming over here and pursuing me asking to puck up where we'd left off and now you're telling me there's drama? Like what's your deal. Lol I've been totally straight up with you and completely mellow, there must be some drama I'm not aware of."

The best response Jed could come up with was "Well you told me you got depressed after the whole thing ya know. Just want to avoid that."

I wrote, "Lol I think it's normal to be a little sad when someone you liked cuts off, but I was over it in a couple days and forgot about it. Yeah, I was sort of excited last night when you told me you potentially wanted to pick up like they were before; like cool I would like to continue to spend time with you... But now it seems you've changed your mind which makes me irritated because you're being indecisive and selfish. I don't know what you want, I just do my own thing, I happen to like you. You were the one that came back into my life and I'm confused now as to why.."

He didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Whatever he told me today was absolute bullshit. The reason he's cutting off, or trying to, has nothing to do with MY emotions. He either found some other girl, or not... Seriously I don't even give a shit anymore. I think the messages that I sent him put him in his place. He probably has no excuse for his bullshit behavior now and is just choosing not to reply and in hopes I'll just go away again.

Well your wish is granted! If you don't want me you're not worth my time.


This weekend when I go home I'm going to get so many things taken care of that will further improve my quality of life. My parents are so, so good to me... I talked to my Dad on the phone today and he encouraged me on my accounting exam and told me that the answers to the formulas are always in what you're trying to find. He actually has a point, the more I conceptualize the easier it becomes. Even he understands this bullshit that I've been going through with men and has even shown some sympathy about it... My mom of course was there to help me today when I called, too.

I'm just so excited to go home...

What's going on this weekend: 

-Dermatologist appointment to get Differin on Wednesday at 8:00. 
My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still break out and Differin will prevent that from happening at all. It will get me completely in control of my acne, which means I will get to spend less money on makeup. 

-Walk in doctor visit on Friday before my tattoo appointment (or after) to get perscribed Xanex. 
This will help my panic attacks. I talked to Ashley about it and she thinks it's a really good idea, as does my Mom and my Grandma Fran. Speaking of which I should probably stop over Thanksgiving to visit with Grandma, I don't know if that could create some potential hot water about my family eating at home... Or not, I don't think it could hurt. 

-Tattoo at Parkway on Friday @ 2:30
This is BIG, BIG, BIG... I can't believe it's finally coming! The only thing I'll have to figure out is the size that I want it. I'm sure we'll be able to figure that out at the tattoo shop. I'm thinking it's going to be about the height of a cigarette lighter, maybe a little bigger. I want it to be perfectly proportioned of course and in the perfect center of my neck. Location is of course crucial as well, God forbid it should be off center and have it drive me crazy... I shouldn't worry, these guys are professionals and they're going to do a beautiful job. And I'm going to love it and it's going to help me self esteem even more I believe. 

I'm now going to have a distinguished symbol that identifies me as a musician... Maybe if I have it long enough I'll start to believe that I am a musician from inside my soul. Sometimes I don't even know if I am... I sometimes find it hard to believe how skilled I've become at the guitar and it can only go up from here. 

-Seeing Katelynn on Friday.

-Seeing Samantha. 
I need to figure out what her work schedule is...

So I'm quite excited for this weekend. After this pain with Jed and panic attacks this week I want to be around the people I love more than anything....

peace.

Black cherry hookah and pleasant afternoons...

So originally I thought I might've been going to this girl Tianna's house for an accounting study session before the most important test of my life this Tuesday. That didn't end up happening, but for the most part it sounds like the girls in my group are getting it. The exam makes me really nervous but all I can do is work hard today and tomorrow to get myself as prepared as I can. I re-did all the homework assignments for Chapter 8, later this evening I'm going to do the problems for Chapter 11, then tomorrow do 13 and that stupid fill in the blank study guide that I wasn't able to get yesterday.

Tonight I'm also going to get some math work done, read a chapter from my legal book and do the corresponding assignment, then finish up with some deliciously clean guitar riffs with my NEW, perfectly tuned strings. 

That's Tianna on the right. She just moved to Central like I did so she's getting the hang of meeting people, she sits in my group in accounting so we'll all chit chat about stuff after we get done sharing answers. We've all been really supportive of each other this quarter because our professor's sort of a crack pot and it's hard to keep up with what we're supposed to be doing. 

I absolutely have to do well on this next test... If I don't I fail the class. Not a reason to get panicked or anything....

I talked to Grandma Fran on the phone yesterday and told her about my panic attack that I had. I had called because I felt on the verge of a panic attack and had to talk to someone to sort of come down from it. It's really scary to imagine having another one. Grandma told me that I should try taking Xanex, not as an every day ritual but for when I'm feeling as though the panic attack is coming. 

I talked to my mom about this and at first she didn't approve of the drug idea and suggested I go see some councilors on campus. I don't think that would help. I HAVE a councilor. Jacob has been a councilor for me in a lot of ways, so has Ashley B., so has Brad P., Katelynn... Alllll these people that I can talk to that can help me when I need someone to talk too. Because that's all counselling is. I know the breathing rituals, I've looked into all sorts of spiritual relaxation and meditation devices.. Yet I still had this panic attack and feel as though another one could sneak up on me anytime. 

I don't have confidence issues; that's not my problem. I am confident in everything that I'm doing here, I feel comfortable around other people and I know I have the ability to conquer anything this degree shoves down my throat in the next two years if I try hard enough. I'm not depressed about how I look or how I've been eating. "Guys" (that I'd potentially want to date anyway) are honestly the last thing on my mind, especially now that I've started guitar lessons again and have something to look forward to doing all week. 

So why in the world am I having panic attacks. My room is comfy, I like it here for the most part... Everything is the way I want it to look, I'm meeting friends, seeing people on a near daily basis. Is my body just panicked for the sake of being panicked? Does it not want me to just relax? I don't really know anymore.

I think Xanex could help though. I've had a really pleasant afternoon today though, to be honest, even if last night was a little crazy. 

This girl I met briefly back home named Kelsey came over last night. I invited her to come after she got her work done. It was an interesting experience, we ended up going to a party last night. 

She came over and I was playing guitar in my room. She told me she'd always wished she could play the guitar so I suggested she give it a try, why not you know? There's so many people that tell me that and I'm like.. Then do it! There's nothing stopping anyone, it's just difficult to get passed that initial beginner stage without a lot of patience. Anyway we sat and chit chatted for a bit, then I asked her if she'd like to go the gas station to get some snacks, just a little walk. She said sure.

We were walking out from Studville and saw some kids sitting around a table smoking hookah and they were yelling "Hi!" at us. I of course decided to go strike up a conversation, ask some questions, you know-- get to know these people. It was such a chill time and we smoked some great hookah for a couple hours before going into this guy Bradley's apartment to play beer pong. 

I want to say there was 6 or 7 of us in total, me and this (excuse my french) tall Black guy were the only ones that were 21 (the rest of the group was 20, mind you) so we stopped at 7-11 to get booze. I bought a can of Budlight lime for myself and a Mikes hard raspberry lemonade for Kelsey. She liked it, she doesn't drink much though so I'm hoping she wasn't TOO hungover this morning. 

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was sweating extremely bad all night and got up to throw up about twice at around 3 am, it was no fun. I'm not a big fan of recreational drinking and like to keep it to once every 2-3 weeks. Of course I will drink a glass of wine with dinner about once a week, too. 

Well that's really all I had to say! It's 6:00, I still have a lot to get done tonight so I'll ttyl! 

peace.