BANG BANG BANG... silence.

Weekend again. It's almost 7, Friday evening.

I have this policy analysis that I have to do this weekend. I feel lame having not put any significant effort into it at this point.. But I have all of tomorrow and Sunday to get it done. I've got that "rough draft" that will at least get me started. I'm taking the rest of the night off.

Most of today was spent studying for my public finance test (midterm 3) and of course was one of the last ones in my class to finish it. I'd made the decision to prepare more than adequately for this test to assure that I wasn't getting another C after last week's shitty test. So yeah, studied the material super well this week... I know I did well on the multiple choice and didn't bullshit any of the essay questions except for 2 because I forgot to read the damn Facebook articles. 

When I'd made this realization toward the end of the test I was sooo frustrated... Like I stayed up late last night, then woke up at 6' this morning to study for a couple solid hours before money and banking (debated not even going but I'm glad I did...) then studied with Mike H. then went home and studied for another 40 minutes before the test!! But somehow completely forgot the f*cking facebook articles-- didn't cross my mind once the past few days. Now the highest I could possibly get is an 87. Doesn't give me much wiggle room for mess ups on the rest of the thing at all, and I'm really hoping that after all of this work I at least pull a B.

Yesterday I had a quiz in Money and banking that I was not feeling comfortable on what so ever, even if I did a pretty good amount of studying. True/False questions are tricky but I usually do surprisingly well on them.. I guess better than I expect. I think in some ways I've always had a good nose for bulls**t.. Like I can tell when someone is lying or when something's kind of off, so naturally I guess I would be good at true-false.

When I was going through the stack of papers Terry was standing behind me. His was on top of mine at the bottom of the stack and when he reached down to grab his he picked up mine too. I snatched that paper out of his hands so fast, I did NOT want him to be the first one to see it.. Especially because I thought I did really bad and I always just assume Terry's scores are within a 5 point margin of my scores (*give or take). I put the quiz under my textbook cover when I was debating looking at it and was pleasantly happy/shocked to see that I scored a 22/28 (78%... Still a C, but a more respectable C than last time!).

Terry didn't do so hot on this one and told me he wanted to go drink... Lol it was like 10 am. I know how that goes though, you just feel sick for the rest of the hour... if it's bad enough the rest of the day. Which is why I didn't even want to look at the score in the first place.

Oh! Also I got 41/50 (82%) on my managerial test. I was pretty happy with this. Every day this week has been spent cramming for one test or another.

okay, school was designed to make us all suffer, we get it, moving on...

Here it is, Friday night. I do want to have fun. Hold on I'll take a picture of my kind of filthy self after a long day...

Right now I'm feeling kinda greasy, blah and unmotivated. I got my guitar practice quota done (my hands are honestly kind of sore from working on rondo alla turca, it involves a lot of middle finger technique that I'm not used too), feeling accomplished with this week for the most part... I want to have fun!! 

I've texted a couple people (Oscar and Marlowe, the girl I met last week) but haven't heard back from either yet. I am debating texting Allie.. I don't know, I tried to hit her or Kala up the past couple weekends and I didn't get much response so I'd rather the next time they want to hang out they text me so I know that they don't like... dislike me or something.

I think the next step in my evening, regardless of what happens, is to go get a couple Coronas and relax with my kitty cat and I'll be quite happy. It's been a tough week, this quarter's coming to an end and I'm excited to spend some time with my family soon. Tomorrow I might be meeting my Dad  in Yakima for lunch and do some wandering around at thrift stores. I'm still on a hunt for some funky, retro refrigerator magnets!! And a bigger coffee maker that I don't have to refill three times a day.

Alright goin' on a beer run.

peace. 

OH... Weirdest ass thing happened yesterday. Weird because I was just thinking about her (well of course, she's my ex best friend how could I not...). I got a text from Katelynn yesterday saying that if I have a problem with her I should say it to her instead of going to Alan about it (wtf..? I haven't said a word to Alan in months...) and then said something completely off the wall... I'm debating even posting it but I guess because all the bridges are burnt what difference does it make. 

She said "Alan doesn't want to ^&*%, you, nice try..." Woah. Woah.... What? Which is basically what I said in response. I'm like Dude, the last time I talked to Alan was after you dumped me as a friend pretty shortly after you'd dumped him as your boyfriend. I sent him a message saying I was sorry, they ended up back together, and I haven't talked to either of them since. I've never wanted anything to do with Alan that way. I turn down guys all the time here, why the Hell would I want to pursue some guy in the tri cities? I mean among all of the reasons that make that statement just outright crazy. 

Makes me wonder if she was even trying to text me or someone else... She didn't respond when I responded to her a couple hours later basically asking what the Hell was she talking about. I know that shortly before we stopped being friends she became friends with S. Wilson's older sister and might have been trying to text her or something. I don't know... It was just weird. Maybe with a few beers in me I might not be so hesitant to ask her about it..... 

Why me living in a house with two other girls is a bad idea

It's only 11:30 am and I've already had a lot to think about today....

I haven't eaten breakfast aside from an apple. It's almost lunch time... ugh, there's no cereal. There's enough stuff on hand to keep me going for the next few days, I'm just going to gradually start getting creative again because I don't want to spend the last of my cash on food.. especially when realistically there's so much around here. I think of people from poorer countries that have to make due with next to nothing.

Allie contacted me this morning about whether or not I'd like to live in a house with her friend next year. I don't know, as fun as that sounds I don't think that could be the right choice for me. Here's the pros versus cons of living off campus for me:

Pros:

-Live with someone that I sort of know that will talk to me versus potentially get the situation like I did with Kristin this year.... 

-Probably be forced to do more social things

Cons:

-Obvious fees and bills versus hidden fees at school.Have to pay $425 out of pocket each month. Granted my parents would probably still help me with this but because this is a monthly thing versus a lump sum on a loan it's much more obvious of a fee that I'd have to deal with my Dad on. As it is I hate asking for the money for my guitar lessons-- which would pretty much be guaranteed out the window if I'm already asking for rent. 

-It would be FURTHER... It would be on this road that is down the road from student village... which would mean an even further ride to Shaw. All of my classes, all year are likely to be in that same building. I go back and forth between my apartment between classes to munch, smoke, etc... Do what I need to do to unwind and prepare myself for the upcoming class. It would be too much of a bikeride for me to go back and forth to a house. 

-More to clean. When you live with one other person you are forced to clean up after yourself because your roommate can easily point a finger at you. If you're living with two other people and one of them leaves a mess then you're pretty much stuck cleaning it up to cook for yourself. A house is just more of a burden to clean up than an apartment in general. 

This is what I liked to escape when I moved out from my family's house, I'm always having to clean up after my Dad and sister's food messes that don't bother them as much as it bothers me. 

-I prefer being alone most of the time. Which kind of made the fact that Kristin hated me nice. I've realized that there's a time for friends/family and a time to be alone... and most of my time is spent alone and that's how I like it. The amount that I study and practice guitar is absurd and if it's too loud or messy for me to do that there's nothing quicker to set me off. 

Damn I'm experiencing a sugar crash from eating a waffle... I need to go make some food.

peace. 

-

Just give me more of everything

Today's already been surprisingly productive considering I went out last night.

But things have still felt very uneventful lately. I just want more entertainment, more talking, more being outside, more nice weather, more being with friends, more eating out, more shopping, MORE DOING....  It's just been school-school-school, I've been going at it so hard this quarter I want a vacation.

First of all, I'm responsible for the rent until June 16th. Alrighty that gives us an extra week to get all my stuff back or use this apartment to have a party if I wanted too.. But it's not like I have this huge list of people that I want to hang out with in Ellensburg, obviously. Everyone I want to see is back home so there'd be no point in staying here. I'm just still in charge of rent until the 16th.. I don't know what difference that additional week makes but hopefully it's just something that my Dad won't actually take notice of.


Today I've already gotten some good practice time in, called Rite aid to figure out when the manager is getting back from vacation, and talked to my mom about a few things so those are all good things. It's only 12:33 pm, I still have to run to the bank to deposit that check and grab a few things at the grocery store. The food that I got at bargain market the other day has lasted really well, but I need some frozen fruits/veggies, coffee and belvita for the upcoming week.

I really, really like these. They taste like teddy grahams and hold you over better than any nutrient bar I've ever tried. What I also like is that each individual bag (a box comes with 5) has 4 biscuits so you can kind of use your imagination that you're eating four chocolate cookies. 

Speaking of which I just ate the last of my stale teddy grahams from the cabinet. 

Okay now I just found the go lean crunch. Apparently this has as much protein as an egg so that should keep me going for a little while to procrastinate going to the bank.

I'm hoping I can get a guitar video up on youtube at some point. The two that I have up now are so outdated and I haven't made a vid for my channel in over a month. Ironically now I'm a "partner" but who knows they might want to take it away for my inactivity. Ha ha can't have that happen.

Last night I texted Oscar to see how he'd been and he invited me to come over. I originally met Oscar through Allie. Oscar has really nice guitar equipment so I was having fun jamming with a friend of his and kept on drunkenly knocking the amp over. 

I dunno, I had a good time but I wasn't very talkative last night. I was definitely happy to be out of my apartment and tried to be friendly but I acted spacey. When I got there I was kind of hungry... I remember I'd taken a nap and then texted Oscar at 9' so I must have not eaten since around 5:30 pm. Once I started drinking even just a little bit my head was in la la land.

I texted Terry all pissed off around 12:45 am, lol. I don't even know why. 

So basically my plan for the rest of the day is do what I always do. Just get work and errands done. The weather is nice today, I wonder if it'd be nice enough for me to lay out with my book. I've been reading that finance book and I'm only to page 30 because I'm slow. I'm hoping that I can start reading a lot more this summer. 

Luke J. posted today that he's now giving private lessons via skype. Note that he has an ibanez in this picture? I would loooove to get lessons from him, he can do things I've never seen anyone else do. 

But that'll be after I graduate college and move up to the west side. Which means I'll be taking lessons with Jake another year and three months or so, sounds about right. I don't know if I'd be up to bat for his lessons right now anyway. Jordan S. apparently took lessons from Luke for awhile and said it was brutal, like you've gotta be really skilled to benefit from it. 

 It's a weird musician thing, if your soul is really into it you want to become as good as humanly possible for which means always finding someone better than you to help you advance or you'll always stay in the same place. Figure once I graduate I'll be trying to work for a company on the west side anyway. That'd be so sick to live in seattle and go to concerts at the different venues there. I'm getting bored with this side of the state. 

4:42 pm:

Damn it!! So I went to the bank and it was CLOSED. Which means I can't even buy new episodes of intervention. Nothing interesting is happening today, f* it I'm just gonna practice the rest of the evening. 

peace. 

Sunday again. As I always say to you all, today could make or break the rest of my week.

I'm kind of worried about my ability to focus these next few weeks. Clearly I have a lot on a my mind... which I'm trying to push aside as much as possible to make room for more IMPORTANT things... Like hanging onto my A's for dear life because my Statistics grade could easily slip into a B at this point when I got a LAME grade (11/15) on the homework...

I looked like a complete moron in front of Sipic the other day when I asked him for help in the lab when I didn't realize at the time that I was too behind to get caught up. Kevin P. came over and sooo kindly walked me through the Excel assignment. That day my mind was completely unable to focus because Terry had frustrated me and I honestly had no idea Jack and I were going to actually hang out again.

I hope that Terry and I can continue to be competitive.. I'm just crossing my fingers that he doesn't make things awkward between us this week and that we can continue to compare grades because it makes me so pumped to work hard. If he stops doing this now it's going to be harder for me to get A's the rest of this quarter. I know it sounds crazy to a lot of people but this is really how my mind works.


I feel like I'm over Terry completely. He just doesn't want to study with me anymore which makes me sad and irritated. I wish we had never had any flirtatiousness toward eachother in the first place at this point just so that we can use eachother academically lol

 It just feels pretty nice to spend time with Jack again but I really just want to give him as much space as possible.

I got a good night sleep last night, didn't do anything aside from sit around practicing really. Allie said she was going to this game night thing so I thought maybe I'd be going to that with her (even if I hoped to God they weren't talking about board games... Have I ever told you guys that I hate board games? It doesn't matter in this case though, I just wanted to get out of my apartment, you know how it is.) but then she told me she was tired after getting home from watching Iron Man 3.

I don't care about seeing movies what so ever.
I don't care about watching TV series what so ever....

I have no doubt that King of Thrones is a good show. I'm sure if I sat down and watched it I would like it. But it's the step of actually figuring out what time the show is at and finding the time to watch it would be the problem.

Like I'm always hearing about King of Thrones and all these other series and I'm like... yeah I don't have time to sit down and get into a series like that. I think that's the reason that I've always liked cartoons is because it's only a half an hour and you don't have to really dedicate yourself to a plot. I've just never been into series shows... or books. I can't think of one entire series that I've read in my life.

I wonder if my patience will someday change in this respect.


Okay it's getting later, I need to think about what I'm going to do today. Here's a checklist:
-Hour of statistics practice questions online
Then guitar/reward...
-Hour of economics (2 chapters) online
Guitar again probably...
-Read speech assignment packet to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing on this upcoming outside speech project.
-Hour of statistics reading...
-Hour of looking at Econ handouts

That's four hours of studying total. Yesterday I did 2 and a half so that was pretty good for a saturday. Guitar practice time is going okay but I'm getting a lot of progress now that I've started working with Guitar Pro 6 again

peace.

Roommates. Thinking about next year.

Evening everyone.

Well it's almost 9:00 pm. Today's been a relaxing, entertaining Friday for me for the most part. I'm wondering if I'm going to do anything tonight but it's not looking like it. I'm not worried about it, it's been a good week academically and I'm proud of myself for getting so much done.

I've completely given up talking to Kristin. Fuck it, seriously. She never talks to me unless I talked to her first and today she snapped at me when I apologized for leaving some dishes in the sink. I'm just trying to be courteous. She's been sleeping out in the living room a lot lately. Like I get home from my stats class and she's out there sleeping with her blankets in set up like her bed. I really don't go out in the living room anymore. Whatever, I do not care at all either way, it's not like her and I have been buddy-buddy at all since day one.

I am probably going to live in student village again next year. Allie H. asked me if I'd like to live with her and Kala next year. I really don't know if I'd want to live with someone that I'm friends with, it would take away from my independence. That and I feel like 3 people living together is a lot messier than two. The reason being is that if there's two people if one makes a mess than it's obvious who to blame. With three it's much easier to just leave dishes around because you can't pin it on someone.

Not saying these girls would be like that at all. There's a number of other reasons, such as the convenience of living at student village with the laundry thing, easy parking, etc etc... It just works for me, I feel like it's the best circumstance I could have at CWU and for that reason next year I'll probably just have a different room, same apartment building.

My guitar playing has been kind of lazy lately. Like I've only been averaging about an hour a day, that's not great... in fact lately it's even been worse, like two days this week I've done less than an hour but that was mainly due to my acoustic not functioning. I feel like I have to get through this hump of the recital before I can really dedicate myself to anything else. I really should learn more songs though, I've just been so swamped with school I usually don't want to focus that hard. I'd rather just screw around with the pentatonic scale.

Hmm, let's see what actually happened today.

Nothing really worth mentioning aside from volunteering for AUAP again, which was really fun! We had pizza and I had a piece of this delicious chicken and jalepeno with white sauce, yummm! Dominoes is good pizza, it's my favorite of all the pizza fast food branches I've decided.

Alright I've got my everything bagel and a big glass of wine, gonna be a relaxing evening.

peace. 

PROZAC and getting out more.

Estoy muy contento.

Haven't had a panic attack all weekend. Thursday I drove home for a doctor's appointment and saw the same doctor that prescribed me the Lorazapam so he knew exactly what was up. For the past couple weeks I found myself crying every day for one reason or another, felt myself continually spiraling into panic attacks... It was absolute Hell and slipping into deeper and deeper depression. I didn't have to explain much to my doctor, he believed me without question. In our last appointment he told me I should stop smoking to curb my anxiety. I was happy to tell him I had stopped completely. Maybe he had a harder time believing that, ha ha.

Prozac is an anti-anxiety medication that also is meant to help with a number of other things such as insomnia, depression and... Bulimia for some reason. I didn't really get that one, I hope that means it helps with nausea because with my anxiety I sometimes get nausea really bad and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't gone through any of that in the past few days though.

Granted I am still taking Lorazapam every so often. I'm cutting back on that though and I'm happy I am when I did. Lorazapam is definitely habit forming because it's a rapid release drug so you feel like you need one every 3-4 hours. I didn't like that because even if I felt normal when I was taking it, I was always nervous that it'd wear off at a time when I need it most. That's why I'd always take it before my classes but then I'd get home and feel like I wanted to go to bed because I didn't want to deal with anxiety. It was a hard cycle.

Because Prozac is in the same family as Paxil and Zoloft it's meant to be a long term use drug. My doctor told me he's known patients that have used Prozac their entire life. That makes me happy because I don't want to experiment with new drugs on the market. It also means however that it can take a couple weeks to fully kick into your system. He told me to have faith in the drug if I don't feel it for a little while and to have a follow up appointment in a month if there's any problems. I'm hoping to God there's not.

I took Paxil for a number of years and it did help a great deal when I was going through some of the worst depression in middle school. It turned my life around. I'm hoping that Prozac can help me enjoy my experience here more, not be so freaking stressed out all the time.

This weekend's been pretty eventful. On Friday Allie had invited me to come to her friends birthday party. It was more of a kickback setting, I bought a large apple cider with my new friend Alec that got me feeling good from the get-go. I love hard cidar, it doesn't taste disgusting like beer does. It's my drink of choice. I had a shot of vodka too. We stuck around here for a couple hours before Allie's friend and some others decided to go to the bars. I was invited to come but wanted to stick with Allie so we (Allie, this other group of girls and I) all left to another house.

The people there were primarily Hispanic so I felt a little out of place there. I was pretty good on drinking but the host of the party offered me a beer that I held onto taking little sips from for the time I was there. Most of the girls were wearing skin tight dresses and heals, very dolled up. As you can see in this picture I was wearing a tank top and a cardigan. I didn't really care at this point though, I was pretty drunk and didn't mind just sitting on the edge of a couch people watching for awhile. 

Allie kept on disappearing with some guy. I spotted someone I thought was really cute so I struck up a conversation. Err... or at least I tried too.. His name is Gerardo and he moved up from Mexico about a year ago. He's gorgeous, but his English isn't very good. You guys would be surprised how much Spanish I can speak. Having a hard ass teacher in highschool, plus working out on the farm, plus having Hispanic customers at Rite Aid has actually helped me retain quite a bit. I can understand quite a bit of what he says too, at least when he's talking to me. We've been texting and with my knowledge of Spanish grammar and the use of Bing Translate we've been able to communicate pretty well. 

Lol he's got a lot of cute pictures on facebook but this is one of the few that it's just him. He likes fashion and he's modeled before. He's got a huge family back home, including 14 nieces and nephews. He thinks I'm really beautiful so I hope we spend more time together. It's really good spanish practice for me to text him if nothing else. 

peace. 

Things are looking up.

Today was a pretty good day.

Even if I'm getting really nauseous for some reason and I'm wondering if I'm getting sick. There's something going around, Allie told me she was feeling nauseous and hadn't felt like eating lately and I can relate. I had a big dinner tonight of a fried chicken breast and mashed potatos. I didn't even care, I was feeling so optimistic because I literally felt happy today for the first time in two weeks.

I'd texted Allie last night asking if she'd had plans for lunch. She said she didn't and we ate together in this side dining area called... Hogue I think, that I didn't even know about. It was a buffet style side of the SURC that served a bunch of stuff. I only got a vegetarian plate of stir fried veggies because I had already eaten a little something at home. I was too hungry to wait until 1:00 after econ got out at 10:30.

Anyway I really enjoyed talking to Allie. She's very sweet, a great listener, and asks more questions than a lot of people I've met. Like she seems genuinely interested in what I had to say. I found it hard to not go on and on about my struggles with Central and feeling isolated here. I didn't want her to think I was socially inept or something and that's why I'm in this predicament.

She seemed to understand. In fact, she has been through some similar stuff-- wanting to get out and try things  but hasn't had anyone to do it with. We talked about clubs, a few of which I got the information for this morning. We're considering joining a Christian group together. It's funny, I'd initially mentioned it jokingly and then she's like, "Would you ever want to go to one of those? I didn't want to go alone." I was like, "Oh yea definitely  let's go sometime." Ha ha ha.

I would really like to go to a bible study group before I would make a transition to go to church. Never in my life have I actually studied the bible so I need help to figure out where to start and it's much less intimidating to have someone my age show me than a much older person.

I haven't smoked in two days. I haven't wanted too, at all. I'm proud of myself for this reason. Initially I wasn't even trying to stop but now that I've come to the realization that smoking was half of my problem when it comes to this anxiety I don't want it. I did go through a little anxiety today in my economics class but nothing significant.

One day at a time. I just have to keep telling myself that this anxiety will be something I will fight to overcome  every day. I refuse to give up. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, harder than years of depression even. I feel like having a friend here will help things.

Okay I've got my first economics test tomorrow and have some material to go over.


peace.