I've returned from a blogging hiatus. Last horror story from 2014.

Every so often I do this, where blogging at some point feels like a chore and doesn't feel like a privilege to me again until I've taken some time away from it. A month and 10 days was very sufficient for me.

I've had some interesting challenges the last month. First of all my accounting final of course. I studied for hours and hours days ahead of time for that thing. I really busted ass to make sure my bases were covered and I was adequately prepared for the test. Had I gone in at the right time I'm sure I would have pulled a B on that test which would have bumped my grade above a C+. But my Dad pretty much sabotaged me.

The day of the final I'd spent all morning preparing but I still wanted more time to study in the car. Ironically I'd actually asked one of my best friend's Dad, Brian, to drive me because I knew he'd be super reliable. I also asked another best friend, Brad. Both of them agreed. You see I'd been studying *ALL* night the previous night, which to some seems crazy, but I was so determined to do well on that test my adrenaline wouldn't have allowed me to sleep.

Oh but low-and-behold, that night actually offered to give me a ride and felt insulted that I'd ask other people... I agreed.

We left the house in his stupid new Hyundai at 4 pm people, my test wasn't until 8 pm. I spent literally every second in that car with my earplugs in studying, or dealing with my Dad lecturing me or screaming at me for God knows what reason. Just existing more or less. He offered to get us dinner and I told him we could get something quick at Shari's in Yakima which might help me relax.

My phone had been off for about a week. By this time I'd just let it die. My Dad's car's time was wrong because he'd just bought it and insisted we had "plenty" of time. I had no phone to double check. Of course after dinner we had to go to fucking Value village and he was in there for more than an hour looking at bullshit garbage like always. He's always gotta have his agenda and my final was the last thing on his mind right then.

We didn't pull into the Ellensburg exit until about a quarter til. I was struggling to direct my Dad to this building where I'd never had a class before but had the two exams for this class. We ended up pretty much circling the building before I just gave up and had him drive us through the Surc parking lot and toward Bouillon until I found it. Of course in the meantime he's screaming. And I mean just yelling in my ear about how much of a stupid sack of crap I am for not having a sense of direction and how all of my problems would be completely preventable if I would just "get my head out of my ass because you're just like your mother." My mom has more talent, heart and stability than he'll ever have.

So there I was, in the car at 8:05 pm. I was scrambling my things together and trying to get my composure together. When I went into the building the door leading to the testing room I needed to be in was LOCKED. The professor had probably opened it to the students at 7:55 pm and went back to his desk to distribute the tests. So there I was frantically running around the building trying to get someone to open the door for me to get to the classroom because my Dad had to get me there on the MINUTE.

You can imagine how much regret I was feeling in my heart at this point. In my mind among the panic of trying to find ANYONE in that empty building to get me to the classroom all these thoughts were going through my head:  How could I be so stupid as to let my idiot father who has no regard for other people's time schedules take me to this test? Why did I not just get a ride with Brad? Will I even make it into this test?

I wasted 40 minutes of the two hours of testing time double checking to see that the room number hadn't changed and finally found a professor in her office that showed me how to get through this weird back staircase that led to a little back corridor where the rooms where (wtf is this, Hogwarts?). After all that studying to run into the test 40 minutes late and not even have the significant time to set up the accounting models was the biggest slap in the face, terrible thing that'd happened to me since college started. I felt absolutely robbed.

Of course I didn't finish the test. I pulled a C+ on it ironically and it didn't harm my grade at least. But that was after having to deal with the panic and anger for the following days wondering how I did and the complete mental breakdown I had that night.

The drive home was almost dead silent. Initially when I got in the car I cried and yelled at him for getting me there so late but he immediately turned it on me saying if I knew where the hell I was going this wouldn't be an issue. Seeing my sadness and feeling uncomfortable had it been his fault he immediately started popping off reasons this was my fault. Feeling like complete garbage I just agreed, yelling things along the lines of "Fuck  I'm so stupid and worthless I deserve to die!!" and "What is my fucking problem, this is all my fault!! I'm such a loser!!" and screaming, moaning in agony. Finally this made my Dad stop blaming me and start to feel bad himself and pretty much begged me to stop crying. I did, holding in my anger or any conversation with him until we got home.

But I couldn't withhold my anger when I got in the door and saw my mom sitting at the computer. I immediately started explaining in anger and disdain what I'd just witnessed. In shock and horror I told her how I didn't know how after pretty much having to push my Dad out the door at 4 pm that he wasn't able to get least get me there by 7:30. I felt like shit about my grades, my internship that I plan to apply for, and my academic career in general. Telling you this story right now is bringing up a lot of those emotions.

Since then things have for the most part gone back to normal, being Christmas break and all that... pretty stress free rest of the month. It wasn't hard for me to forgive my Dad because I knew this was just his typical bullshit inability to see outside the box and I really shouldn't have trusted him to get me there in the first place. It's a lesson learned. I feel endangered when I'm in the car with him anywhere because he drives like a lunatic and goes 80 mph everywhere. Never again.

So my Dad can't blame me for not getting an accounting major. He might've been the one to try to push me into it and I originally thought it was a great idea until you sabotaged it by pushing me into that situation. I'm just fine with my economics degree with a business minor. I'll also put "with working accounting background using Excel" or something like that if anyone asks. That cost accounting class did teach me a lot. It wasn't a complete waste.

Now I've got to focus on applying to this internship at PNNL. I should probably do that tomorrow because the moving chaos starts. I'm moving out on the 4th-- Sunday, then have a doctor's appointment to come back for on Monday when I'll pick up Marshall. Classes start on Tuesday.

These past couple weeks I had a lot of nightmares about not being prepared for school, most of which taking place in classrooms where I'm not prepared for presentations or tests  or I'm at some weird desolate apartment building somewhere feeling very lonely.

But these past couple days as I was very proactive about searching for a place to live with a nice roommate (I believe I found one!) and packing away some of my extra stuff these nightmares have gone away. I mean I've still got a lot on my mind. Like obviously about 3 nights a week for the past few months I've spent with Travis so not having that person there is going to kind of suck. Luckily I've got Marshall and hopefully will get in contact with a Dad's friend of mine to work back home on the weekends. We'll see. 

So here's to a fresh start and a new quarter. These are my last six months at Central. It's time to experience a more clean, productive, social college experience because this could very well be my last change. I've got friends there that are already looking forward to seeing me like Gabby and Allie, and I'm really looking forward to meeting my new roommate. She looks like someone who enjoys art, anime and/or Japanese language/culture-- if not all 3. 

Alright that'll be it for tonight folks. See ya. 

No seriously, I'll be back. 

peace. 

Quit spilling sh*t on my floor, cat! And classes winter 2014

Typing on this mac computer is incredibly annoying..

I'm sitting in the library waiting for an econ meeting at 4:30 pm. I would normally be home at this time but today I had to drive (and walk... mostly... Every time I use my car here it's such a waste of time) to Barge Hall to get a hold lifted from my account so I can register. I'm actually waitlisted in my intermediate microeconomics class at 7:30 am. I did have an option of taking it with another professor at an easier time but it would require me to take it with a much harder professor.


I just texted Terry to tell him my schedule and we're both taking intermediate micro. The war wages on!! He's also taking pre-calc and intermediate macro. It's been forever since I took pre-calc, that was a nice one to get out of the way early..

Next quarter I'm also taking an "Intro to financial management" and a "Principles of management" class online. I would much rather take that in person because the professor is Chinese. That and I generally dislike online classes because of the motivation it takes to check regularly online. But I'm going to put forth all of my effort.. I'm going to have to, next quarter I've got my first 400 level classes.

Today I finally got my eyebrows waxed and my bangs trimmed. That was really needed, my bangs were so long that the shortest part of them completely covered my left eye. Blegh. Anytime my bangs get that long my hair has a tendency to get greasy because I'm continually having to swipe them out of my face. Not a good look on anyone.

Okay it's 4:15 pm, I'm going to be late if I don't head out here pretty soon. Overall I've been good lately. The bigger Marshall gets the more daring he gets and he's got this bad habit of climbing on the curtains. He's also extremely persistent when he begs for food whenever I'm eating something. He'll stick his face into any drink and spill anything.

But I've still been feeling a lot happier.

peace.

Last week of summer. Cat in danger...?

Finally. Officially 7 more days until I move...

Still sucks that I'm stuck moving the DAY BEFORE school starts.... But hey beggers can't be choosers, especially this late in the game and I'm lucky enough to get a 1-bedroom. I'm really excited to be living in Brooklane because even if it's just another apartment on campus it's still a new place. I've been trying to find a floor layout to show you guys but my connection is being retarded.

I worked the past few days, which honestly meant limited practice time aside from getting the chance to complete this video that I've been meaning to do for awhile:

Ha, you can always tell when I'm concentrating really hard because my nostrils flare up. 

I try to avoid this unappealing face on video and at recitals so I try to practice to the point that I don't need to think so hard.

Let's see, I work at 5'.. That'll be a nice short shift. Then I work Thursday from 11-4 pm, then I'm DONEEE! woohoooo! I'll be happy to tell Jake about my accomplishment on the completed video this week, and he'll also be happy that I took the guitar in the shop finally. Not having my electric the past few days has forced me to play with my acoustic which sometimes I find much more enjoyable. 

Today I'm going to work on In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth, primarily for MEMORIZATION. Jake's been hammering that into my head every lesson since the last recital and this last one he was like 

"Why don't you listen to me? You should listen to me! Stop relying on those damn tabs!"

I'm like

Lol isn't that so stinking cute? I watched the movie Hotel Transylvania over at Tyler's house recently, I loved it. Since I went over there I can't find my DS which is pissing me off to no end that I'd be so stupid to leave it somewhere. So many hundreds of hours invested into those damn pokemon games... the past few days I have been getting better sleep so maybe it's best that I put this hobby to bed.................... actually no, I want my DS.

I need to figure out where my student loan money's at and how to get access to it. I also need to call my doctor to see if I can get a refill on my perscription... He didn't call me back the last time I tried so I need to keep working on it. Yesterday I forgot to take prozac and this morning my body felt super sore and stiff, it was somewhat disturbing. But yeah that's just a reminder that I need to get this taken care of. 

My family has been trying to convince me to not take Miranda to college with me... They think that having her in the apartment without the ability to go outside freely is going to have adverse effects on her health and wellbeing. Though I have a hard time believing this myself, the thought of it gives me a ping of indifference on whether or not I should take her. 

She's been acting so weird lately ever since I got the boxes out and I'm convinced it's because she knows that I'm leaving again... This is why I just want to give this a chance to see if she would like to stay with me. If she doesn't I'll bring her home, easy as that. They're also convinced that I'm going to "let her run away" if I bring her up the day of the move. Uh no, we'll bring her in a cat carrier. 

My sister is really angry about me taking her and hasn't really spoke to me in days. Well you know what too bad, she has a boyfriend that's here to keep her company practically 24-7. I'm alone. Case closed. 

peace. 

Why me living in a house with two other girls is a bad idea

It's only 11:30 am and I've already had a lot to think about today....

I haven't eaten breakfast aside from an apple. It's almost lunch time... ugh, there's no cereal. There's enough stuff on hand to keep me going for the next few days, I'm just going to gradually start getting creative again because I don't want to spend the last of my cash on food.. especially when realistically there's so much around here. I think of people from poorer countries that have to make due with next to nothing.

Allie contacted me this morning about whether or not I'd like to live in a house with her friend next year. I don't know, as fun as that sounds I don't think that could be the right choice for me. Here's the pros versus cons of living off campus for me:

Pros:

-Live with someone that I sort of know that will talk to me versus potentially get the situation like I did with Kristin this year.... 

-Probably be forced to do more social things

Cons:

-Obvious fees and bills versus hidden fees at school.Have to pay $425 out of pocket each month. Granted my parents would probably still help me with this but because this is a monthly thing versus a lump sum on a loan it's much more obvious of a fee that I'd have to deal with my Dad on. As it is I hate asking for the money for my guitar lessons-- which would pretty much be guaranteed out the window if I'm already asking for rent. 

-It would be FURTHER... It would be on this road that is down the road from student village... which would mean an even further ride to Shaw. All of my classes, all year are likely to be in that same building. I go back and forth between my apartment between classes to munch, smoke, etc... Do what I need to do to unwind and prepare myself for the upcoming class. It would be too much of a bikeride for me to go back and forth to a house. 

-More to clean. When you live with one other person you are forced to clean up after yourself because your roommate can easily point a finger at you. If you're living with two other people and one of them leaves a mess then you're pretty much stuck cleaning it up to cook for yourself. A house is just more of a burden to clean up than an apartment in general. 

This is what I liked to escape when I moved out from my family's house, I'm always having to clean up after my Dad and sister's food messes that don't bother them as much as it bothers me. 

-I prefer being alone most of the time. Which kind of made the fact that Kristin hated me nice. I've realized that there's a time for friends/family and a time to be alone... and most of my time is spent alone and that's how I like it. The amount that I study and practice guitar is absurd and if it's too loud or messy for me to do that there's nothing quicker to set me off. 

Damn I'm experiencing a sugar crash from eating a waffle... I need to go make some food.

peace. 

-

I've got this under control, But there's no guarantee

Damn, so I told you guys the other day that Terry said Economics is the best specialization competitively.. That's really sat in my mind, so I sent my stats teacher an email on it because he's actually an economics adviser to see what he thinks. He hasn't responded back so I feel like a goob, of course I reread the way that I wrote that email like 5-6 times to make sure it didn't sound weird. He's probably really busy and I can't expect some immediate response. I just feel like I've bugged him more than I've bugged any professor ever.

It's not just my competitiveness with Terry that causes me to contemplate these decisions, it was more my overall experience this quarter. If I do switch over to economics from Finance I am not going to tell Terry because it'll look weird.


So maybe I'll be doing an economics specialization with a MINOR in finance.

I'm not looking forward to my stats lab tomorrow at all so I'm going to kind of study how to do the linear regression models on excel beforehand so I don't get lost on it tomorrow. My A is looking pretty good even with that low exam score-- 20% of the final grade is going to be based on an excel assignment that we turn in. If I can get some help from Kevin P. to make sure I'm on the right track that'd be really helpful.

This is Kevin P., aka Peter Parker from me because he's saved me on a few assignments that I haven't been able to get this year. 

Not saying I'm going to ask him to practically do it for me. In fact I plan on doing an online tutorial on youtube-- how about THAT... But no seriously, Kevin is really smart and he always knows the correct way to do things. He's better at reading directions than I am.

ZZZZZZZPPPPPTTTTTTT

Lol I was taking weird pictures this morning.

Pointing is rude in a lot of cultures so obviously I didn't post this, but I figure why the Hell wouldn't I post it here it's not like anyone really reads this. Or do you, for anyone that does that's super cool-- I don't proofread much when I write these.

..Which can occasionally get me into trouble. I found an old entry and felt super humiliated because it was SUPER open... I have no idea if I was drunk or depressed or super emotional when I was writing that night but GOOD God... I would never, ever be as open with this blog as I did with that entry nowdays. And it makes me wonder what else is back there, but I don't want to look.

Old entries are like old skeletons. I want to be able to dig them up someday when I'm old and be able to indiscriminately read because I'm older and wiser than I am as I'm writing these entries. Like I can read blog entries that I wrote on myspace a long time ago and not feel too embarrassed, but if I find something from 2011 that's super bias or gives off the wrong message I contemplate deleting it because I don't want people to think that's what I represent now. 

Whatever. I'm human, this is a good outlet, I'll say whatever I want on a given day for the most part.

I feel like everyone around me is so sick of school

It's like the weather sucks so bad here in Ellensburg that everyone wants to go home where it's warmer. It's so hard to get motivation when it's rainy so I haven't been doing much of anything but sit around and study. Really these rainy days couldn't have come at a better time because I'm not tempted to go anywhere. Meh... unless it's above 70 degrees I'm pretty good with the indoors. 

Alright it's guitar time. Gotta lesson today, hell yea!!!

peace.

king of the beards

LMFAO, yes! Well this completely made my day.

Went to the library and met the Central Beards club today. I actually think this was there first meeting, but just look at that awesome turnout!! Though I can't say I'll be joining but I still think this is an awesome form of self expression.

Because men take a lot of freakin' pride in their beards. Ha ha if any of you have seen the documentary Mansome you'd know the amount of time and proper care to grow one of these mammoth beards. They actually have worldwide beard competitions in Germany, too.

There's a new coffee place in Richland with a beard them too. I guess it's just big nowdays. So big there's a  large enough margin of people at Central to start a club (...But there's no guitar club..? ha ha ha)

You just never know what you're going to find around here. I just great how in college people can express themselves any way they want too in some respect. It really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself from what your environment growing up at home gave you.

Anyway, aside from beards...

Today's been pretty good, I got my powerpoint and outline done for tomorrow so that's not hanging over my head anymore. I still have the notecards to do but that didn't take long. I skipped economics today because I felt like sleeping in and went straight to stats. Terry skipped today. The material was really challenging in statistics today and this concept is hard as hell to wrap your head around.

I'm just going to continue to practice it each day and finish this quarter out strong. Usually it's about this point that has me so burnt out on school that I can barely focus anymore but the fact that I'm leaving soon has given me more inspiration. 

I'm starting to get a very positive outlook at my first year at Central overall, I've really learned a lot about myself here.I didn't do hardly any partying or anything outrageous but that's because I never felt much of a need too. I feel almost perfectly content with where things are going right now, and have accepted that I'm moving back this summer. 

One lose end is that Jack and I haven't talked in over a week so I finally sent him a text today like what is your deal, are you blowing me off again? Well I guess if I don't get a response there's my answer. I just don't f&^%ing get it with men. I mean clearly Jack has limited time but having zero communication for over a week just makes me think he's interested in some other girl. If that happens seriously you guys I've had it. I'm just so tired of wondering what his deal is with me and he's never given me a straight forward answer about this in my life.

I sent him a text confronting him about it, like dude just tell me straight up, are you blowing me off right now?  Ugh it's so fucking embarrising and frustrating to ask him this because he was the one that initially contacted me, AGAIN. Now I'M put in this awkward position of having to ask him. 

I swear I've lost all feeling toward people. Not to say I'm a sociopath by any means, I mean I'm extremely compassionate  but I mean like the feeling of having a "Crush" or hoping something comes from a situation with someone. I've just learned to accept that there's nothing I can do about any of it and just have to let God take care of it.

I just want respect. That's all I care about. If I'm respected I'm good, if you're not clear with me and act like you're just pulling my leg for your own ego trip then I want nothing to do with you.

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

You nerds out there that read this blog are going to love this.

On right...

Excuse my language but f&^*ing Terry S... lol, who's not even on my facebook friends list today, finally asked for my number. I'd deleted his number because he didn't save my seat in lab, I was pissed off. We did not text eachother for four weeks, and after awhile it became more of an experiment whether or not we'd ever talk outside of class again. 

After the long and... mediocre-difficult Stats test..Man Sipic looked good today up there reading his book... lol he's so intelligent you can tell he's trying to make it look like he's not looking for cheaters but in actuality you know he's using his peripherals. He's from a Slavic country, they encourage cheating and you know he could suspect a clumsy American cheater immediately. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when he cut off most of his hair recently. I thought his long hair gave him the mad scientist-y look. POINT BEING: I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I did well on this stats test. lol 

..Terry looked up at me and said "Hey, you want to study for econ tonight?" which was pretty ballsy because the room was dead silent during a test. I'm like "Yeah..." so I sat down and he's like sitting there scrambling looking for a piece of paper. I actually took a flash card from econ out of my pencil bag and wrote my phone number on an index card. 

I gave him some shit because he told me that he didn't have my number in the first place. Huhhh sooooo... in those 6 weeks of talking and three or four times seeing eachother you never added my number to your contacts? A-HA touche!!! I NEVER ADDED YOURS EITHER.

But I did delete all my text messages... thus deleting his number... and kind of forced myself to not talk to him for awhile. Sometimes he can act like a real dick so I can't tell if he likes me or what. He did ask me via text if I thought he was attractive.. I'm like...are you serious? Lol seriously he could get with any girl he wants I'd think, which is why I don't take half of his kind of half flirtatious passes at me that seriously. 

I think the closest he's ever come to asking me out on a date in person is when we were studying together and he told me that if I was right about a question being on an exam the next day that he would buy me a beer. This was 5 weeks ago. As you all can see, whatever this is has moved at a snails pace but surprisingly we're studying today. DUN DUN DUN.

But yeah today via text I told Terry about how he's my rival!! Ha ha, he of course didn't seem to get it. He's like "Wait so you don't find me attractive? Idk you compared me to pokemon." Like he didn't get the reference what-so-ever!! But he knows what rival means and he understands how being competitive has helped us this quarter so we intend to benefit from eachother in the future.

Also, YES, the Finance specialization is seperate from the Supply Chain management specialization. Me and Terry are the only two people in my economics class doing this particular specialization, which makes things more fun and competitive. Ha ha ha our last quarter will be the "Elite Four". Lol I'm thinking of my credit sheet as getting a certain number of badges. I'm such a nerd you guys, I could never tell Terry about the extent that my mind just took this. 

oh!! And tests are like battles. So every time Terry does better than me on a test I feel like I lost a battle. So now when I'm studying it's like I'm training my brain... as if it was a pokemon. 

I am the f'ing weirdest person you guys, I'm so sorry. Again, if any of you know who Terry or Jack or anyone I mention in this blog is please do not tell them about this page, I'd have to switch blogs to something more secluded and that would stink because it'd be like starting all over again. I'm hoping that if either of them ever do find these blogs... or anyone else for that matter, that they just don't tell me about it. My opinions about someone often change, sometimes I'll be frustrated with someone and other times I could care less.

Anyway

Check this out.

That's how many credits I have under my belt now, 69% isn't that sick?! Next quarter I'm taking Introductory Financial Management which will probably be one of the hardest classes I take here because it's the groundwork for everything to anticipate in the future. I'm also taking Money and Banking with Carbaugh. I just love the framework of his classes and how he's so annoyingly repetitive that there's NO EXCUSE not to learn it. He initiates the class too, which is sort of silly at times but he's really jovial so it just cracks people up and puts us all in a good mood even though to most of us we're studying very dry material.

Alright time to play some guitar.

peace. 

First tests, check. new friend!!! : )

I've had a pretty good couple of days.

Oh, look it's about time for my roommate's nap in the living room. This morning she snapped at me again when I knocked on the door to the bathroom. Lol, I am going to have no problem not talking to her for the rest of the year. Then when we move out at the end of the year I will say to her, "I hope you had so much fun here!" Fun watching TV and doing nothing all day.

Yesterday was my first econ quiz and I got 35/36, that's way better than I've ever done on one of his tests, I'm pretty sure the best I did last quarter was an 88%. I'm also almost certain that I did well on my statistics test. Doing well on tests makes me feel like my time was spent productively this past week.

Today I have an impromptu speech in my Speech class. I'm in a good mood today so I feel I will do well. The topics are really broad and basic, like what are you going to do this summer, talk about your favorite music, etc... These topics are unfortunately extremely broad so it's almost harder for me to come up with something specific. I'm bringing my index cards and will have almost the whole class period to look it over before I have to present. I just have to pretend that I'm talking to a webcam and I'll be fine.

I also have that Chapter 18 speech and an interview project that I have to get done. This is exactly like the speech class I took at columbia basin college. I'm just hoping I can pull a better grade this quarter but to be honest I've barely read my speech book at all. After I get offline here I'm going to read the section on impromptu speeches and see if I can pick up some tips on it.

That class is just annoying to me sort of like English 102... I tend to put writing assignments off until about the last minute to avoid having to rewrite it several times. I'm too much of a perfectionist to really enjoy a speech or a writing class because it's impossible to know what the professor is going to think of your work. There's no concrete right or wrong answers.. Like with my stupid Exotic animal final that apparently got me a B (not even a B+) in my English class-- I thought it was good!! 

Terry continues to impress me. Today he skipped economics class to study for his statistics test. That shows me that it means a lot to him and that he's very good at managing his time. I lended him my 4-function calculator today but Sipic was super nice to bring a bunch of extras anyways. Ha ha in so many classes I've been in it's like, forgot the right kind of calculator? Well you're SOL! hahaha

I met this pretty badass guy named Evan A. yesterday. I've basically been texting eachother and talked on the phone for about 2 1/2 hours. We have a ton in common and I think we're going to be really good friends. He drives and isn't working currently so he's really excited to come up here and hang out with me. He's sang in some bands before, plays a little guitar, and is best friends with Aaron M.

Lol, Aaron and I aren't friends on facebook. I'm pretty sure I've tried to add him before but either got denied or deleted, some people keep their facebook friends lists kind of exclusive. I don't, I find too many people fascinating and I don't delete anyone unless they're spamming continually and I don't know them. Basically I'm sure Aaron's only memory of me is that I am Mrs. Wilson's daughter and that I took lessons from him and didn't practice.... lol.

But anyway!! YEAH, me and Evan!!! lol We're going to be good friends!! We know similar people, on top of it, so we'll always have stuff to talk about. 

That's a blessing, definitely. Ever since I lost Katelynn I've felt like there was something missing in my life. A best friend to smoke with? Perhaps. Katharine and Samantha aren't smokers, though I consider them my best friends as well. And Ashley B. is one of my best friends... but also my councilor in a lot of ways. Like because she's older than me she's been through a lot, and has taught herself coping skills to deal with a lot of the difficult emotions that I've been through such as depression and anxiety.

So I'm pretty blessed for friends.. I'm so lucky and I always have to remind myself that when things get hard.

peace. 

Look it's baby Reese! Lindy had her baby, he's lovely. 

Lindy's always been an extremely sweet person, she was a very good friend to me back in highschool and we've really lost touch since I've gone to college. I know she knows that I care about her. I'm really happy for her and her new family. Lindy is now engaged to a military guy named Kc. This is him.

His mom seems crazy about Lindy! She loves her, Lindy clearly loves Kc and seems very accepting of the military circumstances. 

It's kind of funny, Logan is actually going into the military too. Logan's someone else that was really part of my life back in highschool. Lol he was so stubborn at times and we were all so competitive with eachother. I feel like Logan will be really good in the military, he's always seemed like the type to really benefit from that career path. He wasn't necessarily a superb student but he's smart enough that he'll be able to operate machinery and take orders well. Who knows, maybe I'll meet him again someday and he'll be a high ranking military official. 

I love facebook... It's such an interesting time in all of our lives and to be able to see people's lives transition so rapidly over the past few years has been pretty astounding. 

I posted this picture on facebook today. I think it's hilarious, I captioned it, "This'll be my kid."

I feel like I'm still pretty far away from the point that I will want to be parent. I feel like everything has been coming to me in good time and hopefully I see myself having my first baby when I'm 25. My Mom was like, "What? You better get on that then.." meaning uh, Emily you haven't had an actual boyfriend for two years now, how the hell are you gonna have a baby in 4 years? 

Today was a pretty rigorous study day for me, exclusively in economics because I have a test tomorrow. I studied for about 2 1/2 hours before Terry texted me at 4' pm asking if I'd studied, lol. Honestly it was the first time I'd really sat down and looked at my economic material for more than 20 minutes all week so I was down to study again. freaking statistics is incredibly time consuming and it's going to dominate some time tomorrow too for our first test on Tuesday. 

Anyway Terry and I met up at the library at 9:30 pm. He was working on doing some revisions to his philosophy when I first got there and we ended up going upstairs to study at some tables. We quizzed eachother on concepts and a lot of the vocab and I was surprised at how many of the questions I knew. I feel confident on tomorrow's test, learning about taxes these past couple weeks has been relatively straightforward.

The study session went really well, it was very productive. We definitely have the same feeling about tests where if there's even one problem that you're like "What the f**k" you just feel like crap. Like walking into a classroom when you don't know the material for a test is the most daunting feeling in both of our opinion so I hope we'll be studying a lot more together. 

He's taken accounting 252 with Holtfreter too so that was pretty hilarious to talk about. He said that class was HARD for him too so it wasn't just my imagination, ha ha. 

peace.

Switching my major around, sort of

Hey all.

Let's see, it's 1:26 pm and today's been really good. This morning I woke up realizing why I'd been angry all day yesterday. I was really emotional about nothing. Terry and I talked today, everything's cool. I don't know if he's interested in me or not but I've decided I don't really care because it doesn't matter. Terry and I are the same major-specialization so I'm going to see him around for another year.. well that is, if he stays at Central. Since his family is from Aberdeen he might want to go to school closer to his family at some point. Or maybe he'll get picked up by some other team, who knows.

But it's all good. Seriously. If I do hang out with Terry again it will hopefully be to do the second attempt of our statistics homework that is due on Monday. I did the first attempt at that today. It took an hour and I was feeling VERY confident about my answers but was shocked when I got about a D on the assignment score. Luckily Sipic gives us 2 chances (again, I like his class, there's a lot of resources to learn the material including online questions which is a plus. Working online is nice, too) on the assignment.

So because I've liked my Stats and economics classes so much this quarter I've been considering changing majors. Oh that and I can't stand my comm class. And something tells me the Human Resource Management specialization classes will have similar gender distributions as my comm class that has a bunch of Public Relations majors. Lots of females. Now I have nothing against women, obviously I am one! But now that I've started to get a better understanding of economics and statistics and my mind is like-- OH HEY, I CAN kind of do this, I would like to go into Finance and Supply Chain management!

But how do I know if my brain is ready for this? I have to work especially hard. I never anticipated to be taking on this incredible challenge. Finance is a much more difficult choice in regards to the amount of math than Human Resource Management. Professor Sipic really inspired me when he said "Statistics is hard. Math is hard. Get used to it because it will be like that for the rest of your life."

It's so true! And I realize now that my brain has no disadvantage to any other student in class because math is hard for EVERYONE. Granted I do not want to take any more accounting. There is a lot of accounting that goes into this stuff but the finance major is much different:

okay this looks like crud, just copied this onto paint...

This is all the classes needed to get the bachelors in finance. These are the classes that I would take after this quarter, so next year is going to be by no means easy, which is why I'm really working hard in statistics currently to understand this and have a better grasp of what's to come in the upcoming months.

I am really excited to take more econ classes-- especially international economics which I will definitely take with Carbaugh. That will be my third class with him probably. I just really like how his classes are set up, they're easy to follow and his lectures always make sense. Plus he's a kind person and doesn't act like he wants to fail all of us. 

I do not like professors that deliberately act like assholes, honestly. I've been lucky enough to not get any of those.

Because I was not in the greatest mood yesterday I did not do very well on my speech. I feel like I did not act very friendly in a matter of engaging with the audience, so I plan on acting friendier toward people today. Like this poor girl asked me a question about where I got my shirt and I answered that I had no idea and that I didn't care much about fashion. Shit, she was just complimenting my shirt, I need to learn to take a compliment and not take myself so... excuse my wording here, damn serious. Lol just kidding, it's not that, I just honestly didn't know the answer to her question and my nervousness compounded on top of the nervousness of being up there.

Not that I'm afraid of my class or anything. It's just a different group of people. All of the comm majors. It's something that I'm taking to avoid taking technical writing because I already suffered through that at CBC. Lol that was Spring quarter, actually, that was a fun class. That quarter I hung out with Josh F. and Tyson B. before class. Then I met Corey B. and of course Guy.

Speaking of Guy!

I added him on facebook the other day. We're cool. He's doing shows, has a girlfriend and his baby that he probably see's on the weekends, and I'd assume he lives at least somewhat close to his ex.

But yeah, uh professional speaking class. Honestly yesterday I was sitting in class trying to study stats but my calculator buttons were too loud. I need to be a good listener in that class to get a good grade but when I'm the last one on the list and I'm so bored with anticipating for my speech that I wanted to do something productive.

It's just boring. It's nothing against the professor, he seems like a super nice guy and he's trying to make this as interesting as possible by letting us pick our own topics and such. Speaking of which I have an informative paper that I need to do... I'm considering talking about the recent change in affairs with North Korea and how they are basically threatening the US and the South right now. 

don't even read the next three paragraphs, seriously. This is for my own personal reference later.

I think that would be interesting. And specific enough. I will spend part of the presentation talking about the Juche philosophy, and the "Father Figure" and "God" Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Un. I will talk about how both of them have passed away, and how Kim Jong Un is leader to a country in a desperate situation and in order to draw attention to themselves to make changes have called for war. Of course people have to encourage this in order to not be sent to death camps.

The end of the last remaining command system, communistic regime is coming close to an end! My friend Ethan is currently stationed in South Korea and he doesn't even seem too scared about it because he knows the lack of resources North Korea has. However these people have been so far indoctrinated that even with starvation, lack of electricity, and brainwashing in this secluded country, perhaps soldiers will fight.

The question is what will become of our military? Now what would be CRAZY is if something actually happens between now and the point that I make my speech. Granted it's not likely but literally the North Korean media has been broadcasting it's serious decision to go to war with the US (...oi vey) and South Korea to achieve "Reunification" and the worldwide spread of Juche philosophy. Now, any moron, especially the son of the "Greatest Godlike Surpreme Military Commander that Ever Lived Kim Jong Il", Kim Jong Un will know that the likelihood of this actually happening is worse now than ever. The Juche philosophy and insane dictatorship was barely conceivable in the 1950's when North Korea was actually ahead economically of it's South Korean counterpart, let alone today where the DPRK has been hit with massive floods, starvation and death of probably a third of it's population by this point (I will definately double check this when I am doing the presentation. Unfortunately because North korea is so secretive this information will more than likely not be available. It's not like North Korea has a census, individuals in their society don't matter!)


Alright anyway, tty guys later. Gonna go to my speech class now... blarggg

peace.

Need or want? (well obviously want....)

Morning everyone.

Weird that I'm writing this early, isn't it? Well it's Sunday so that's usually how things go. I'm usually hanging around the house doing little chores, practicing, and studying. Today's already been pretty good because I re-read the first chapter of Statistics for the third time and did the individual multiple choice questions at the end of the chapter. Apparently Sipic's tests are multiple choice as well so I'm off to a pretty good start for week 1.

Today I'm also planning on doing the multiple choice questions. Terry got those done two days ago and met with Carbaugh to check to see if the questions were right so I'm going to do the same. I remember thinking that was a really good idea last quarter but never actually got to it. His office is right after my class that ends at 10 so I'll be able to stop in tomorrow morning. The first test is probably going to be on either Thursday or Friday morning.

This month the guitar is going to be really big with practicing my guitar because I have my first big recital on the 24th and that damn song has to be like... second nature. Like I should be able to sing along with it if I wanted too. Granted I won't because that would sound silly. BUT. It needs to be THAT memorized, and starting tomorrow I will have 23 days to accomplish this.

Nylon string classical guitars have a standard look but different body shapes and ring designs around the hole. I personally like this one because of the drop on the right and the very plain border hole versus something gahdy looking. 

I was such a jerk, I dropped my acoustic on the ground a couple days ago and I've been too lazy (and haven't wanted to spend the time and money) to get a new string put on at Boogie man. My Grandpa's poor guitar is in danger of breaking down, I'm afraid. So I get nervous to continue using it. I borrowed Kat L.'s guitar which is an Ibanez and I have not been able to finger pick very accurately on it because the strings are much closer together than my Grandpa's classical. I have decided that tomorrow I am going to bring Grandpa's acoustic to Boogie Man, get the D string restrung and hopefully get a proper diagnosis on whether or not I should continue playing it at these extensive hours.

So I need a new classical nylon string acoustic before the bridge rips off of my Grandpa's. Or do I. Do I really need it or do I just want a new guitar?

My intuition actually tells me that I just want a new guitar, and to go get it restrung Tuesday for $10. Fair enough. I don't want to ask Terry for help on it. He's an experienced guitarist himself so he will know it's so lame of me to not be able to do this anyway. Believe it or not though classical guitars are some of the hardest to restring and messing with it myself will almost inevitably lead to unnecessary scratches.

Anyway I'm gonna get going. Got more stuff to do. My phone's pretty much toast because I spilt water on it last night, ugh! Technology is really eating a hole in my pocket lately

peace. 

Wrapping my head around this

Hi.

  I would usually talk to Katelynn about this and save my bloggers from that but needless to say I can no longer communicate with Katelynn so this is the next best thing. I think someone's kind of taken interest in me

I hadn't noticed him that much on the first day but we did have a quick conversation on Wednesday after the firealarm in Statistics. We spent about a half hour talking that day because we got coffee at the building next to Shaw. He plays baseball at central so has to works out really rigorously. I would never want to wake up at 5:40 am to get to the gym at 6 to work out two hours before class. That just seems like a huge pain in the ass, ha ha, but I respect him enough for doing that.

Anyway I went out to dinner with my parents yesterday. I drove over to Union Gap to meet with them were we ate at a Shari's. My Dad HATES when I text at the table so I didn't text him at all that day except for to ask what his specialization was. He's specializing in Finance which is what I've been considering switching my major too. 

NOT because of this. Good lord, no, you know me I never make major decisions based on a guy's interest. 

What mainly had me thinking about switching majors was that I've been really inspired by my professor in my Statistics class to keep working at this. Business math gets crazy and frustrating but I've got the groundwork for accounting, economics and finite math under my belt so I feel I could keep doing these finance classes into my Senior year instead of doing Human Resource management..

Because even if every company has those, they're just kind of used as the last mediator when there's problems in the workplace and hire/fire people. That means I'd be dealing with breaking people's hearts when they have to go home to their family to say they don't have a job. I just don't know if I can do that.  

I feel that I'm a leader and that if I were to ever work for a company I would want to be helping make actual decisions.

Anyway so Terry came over around 10' or so last night and I showed him around my house a bit. He looked around my room and asked what I do on the weekends and asked, "What do you do on the weekends?" I quickly respond, "Play guitar all day, ha ha ha." I sort of dodge the subjects of my weekends because up until about halfway through winter quarter I was barely doing anything on the weekends except go home to see Katelynn. And now that I'm not friends with Abe anymore, I don't know where parties or anything are located. 

We got along really well. He's really sarcastic and competitive so we give eachother a lot of shit and can laugh a lot. He seems to like me quite a bit but I'm taking things really slow. I'm really interested to get to know him more because he's got a lot of similar hobbies that I do and I think we could have a lot of fun doing things together if he's not as competitive as he seems, ha ha ha. 

Athletic guys are usually really afraid of girls being clingy because their time is so limited, so I'm giving him his space to kind of invite me when he wants to do things until we know eachother. I'm looking forward to the next time I see him, which will probably be Monday. 

peace. 

Efficiency, doing things my way sometimes takes forever.

Enjoy this music. A guy at the computer store was listening to this, great ambient for studying!

Today was a good day for a number of reasons, even if I can't help but be slightly saddened that my break is over. I got my computer back up and running for about $250. Spotify is working again and my computer is running faster than ever. I plan to take better care of it this time. 

My friend and I didn't talk for two days but I got a text from him today so that was nice. I thought he wasn't talking to me because the first couple times we hung out it was slightly awkward. I'm happy to have found someone that can understand me similar to what I feel Katelynn did. He is very intelligent. Filling the void emotionally from what I lost when I lost Katelynn has been something that I'm surprised has been resolved so quickly. 

I didn't end up getting my books or anything like that set up. That's a first day of classes thing, anyway. I am just going to bring my 5-subject notebook. I've been asking God to help me get more efficiency is a human being. I notice that my thought process is often stubborn and makes me do things in an order that I think would be "easiest to hardest" or the most enjoyable in comparison with what is the most efficient route. For instance, in the grocery store I make a list and find each item individually in the order of the list to get a better walk and really look around. Most people would find this incredibly silly and inconvenient. Granted I don't stick to the list perfectly OCD style, but I do take many trips around the store in circles. 

Living on my own has made me more efficient with chores because they are becoming more of a hassle. One of the last days that Katelynn and I spent together it literally took me two hours to do the dishes in my house. I'm not even joking. I was so grossed out by the accumulation of a day and a half of dishes in our house that I had to prioritize which were the dirtiest. Plus I was snacking and making MORE dishes.... Going to the store is no longer so fun for me and I just want to get my stuff and get out. I bought a few things at Fred Meyer the other night when I thought I didn't actually have school until NEXT Monday. Err.... luckily I scrolled down the facebook wall and someone had posted about it. I then texted Trent and got that confirmed. He's like "Uh duh!"

He can't criticize too harshly because I've been without the internet for a good portion of this month. My computer crashed around the 5th or so. Honestly I haven't played much more but I did pay more attention to the intricate detail of my pieces when I wasn't working with the computer screen in the background. I did use youtube on my phone, which was all I really needed to stay sane. I watched episodes of educational reality shows that have leaked onto the internet from the BBC. 

Alright, tomorrow I have a long day, better get to sleep! 

peace. 

Things are looking up.

Today was a pretty good day.

Even if I'm getting really nauseous for some reason and I'm wondering if I'm getting sick. There's something going around, Allie told me she was feeling nauseous and hadn't felt like eating lately and I can relate. I had a big dinner tonight of a fried chicken breast and mashed potatos. I didn't even care, I was feeling so optimistic because I literally felt happy today for the first time in two weeks.

I'd texted Allie last night asking if she'd had plans for lunch. She said she didn't and we ate together in this side dining area called... Hogue I think, that I didn't even know about. It was a buffet style side of the SURC that served a bunch of stuff. I only got a vegetarian plate of stir fried veggies because I had already eaten a little something at home. I was too hungry to wait until 1:00 after econ got out at 10:30.

Anyway I really enjoyed talking to Allie. She's very sweet, a great listener, and asks more questions than a lot of people I've met. Like she seems genuinely interested in what I had to say. I found it hard to not go on and on about my struggles with Central and feeling isolated here. I didn't want her to think I was socially inept or something and that's why I'm in this predicament.

She seemed to understand. In fact, she has been through some similar stuff-- wanting to get out and try things  but hasn't had anyone to do it with. We talked about clubs, a few of which I got the information for this morning. We're considering joining a Christian group together. It's funny, I'd initially mentioned it jokingly and then she's like, "Would you ever want to go to one of those? I didn't want to go alone." I was like, "Oh yea definitely  let's go sometime." Ha ha ha.

I would really like to go to a bible study group before I would make a transition to go to church. Never in my life have I actually studied the bible so I need help to figure out where to start and it's much less intimidating to have someone my age show me than a much older person.

I haven't smoked in two days. I haven't wanted too, at all. I'm proud of myself for this reason. Initially I wasn't even trying to stop but now that I've come to the realization that smoking was half of my problem when it comes to this anxiety I don't want it. I did go through a little anxiety today in my economics class but nothing significant.

One day at a time. I just have to keep telling myself that this anxiety will be something I will fight to overcome  every day. I refuse to give up. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, harder than years of depression even. I feel like having a friend here will help things.

Okay I've got my first economics test tomorrow and have some material to go over.


peace. 

My heart has killed me all weekend....

I'm thankful this weekend is almost over. It's been so hard, I actually bought a bottle of wine at Rite aid today to help take the edge off all these emotions I've been going through.

This is the first day in years that I haven't smoked at all. Smoking was my ultimate escape in the tri-cities before I had this panic problem. Since I've moved to Ellensburg and feel isolated, the feeling marijuana gives me is more creepy, lonely (and oftentimes panicky). For that reason, though I'm not saying I'm completely quitting, I am trying to avoid it for the most part unless I'm in an extremely good mood and think I can handle it. This weekend, I certainly cannot handle it. If I smoked now I'm pretty sure I would just break down and cry again.

Marijuana capitalizes on your emotions. If you're feeling relaxed, it makes you feel sooo relaxed. If you're feeling happy, it can sometimes make you feel more imaginative and excited. But God forbid you should try to calm yourself down if you're feeling anxious or scared, absolutely not. It can make you feel like you're heart is beating so fast you're going to die. It can make you feel like the whole world is crumbling in around you.

For that reason, because of my feelings lately, I've been avoiding it for the most part.. I just don't feel I can handle it in my current situation.

I've only been in Ellensburg for what, 12 days? And I already feel like I want to escape. I didn't feel like this getting here initially but I think the sadness has had a number of factors that have dawned on me this weekend. Feeling sad and having too much time to brew in that emotion can make a person feel as though they're in prison.

I must have cried at least 10 times yesterday, if not more. I felt like I wanted to go out but had nobody to go with. I felt lonely because of the Jack situation; even though we really have nothing to do with eachother in the first place. I guess I liked the fact that I had someone to like, even if it was more or less a fantasy because nothing ever works out between us. It's kind of  a pathetic situation either way. Feeling vulnerable to the emotions associated with him makes me feel embarrassed and shameful, which in turn makes me depressed.

Oh on top of that, I did something very ballsy that led me to feeling even more rejected than before. You know how I added that guy Alan that I'd met the other day on facebook... I thought we had a pretty good conversation and I thought I'd throw out there that it'd be cool to see him again. So I sent him a message saying "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you the other day but I honestly don't spend too much time hanging around campus. Would you maybe want to grab some coffee sometime?" He viewed it and didn't reply. Why do I even bother. 

Allie was texting me last night after she flaked on our plans that day and when I asked what she was doing she told me she was "taking care of drunk people." So she was out and about doing something at least. Last night I sat around the house and watched Matilda. 

I tried getting ahold of Jessie but she was on a date. 

I just feel like I don't have the opportunity to spend time with anyone here. I really am trying to make friends so I can get out more but it just hasn't happened yet. I've been here for four months now, I haven't been to any of the bars here or really been around Ellensburg at all. I've spent almost every day studying hard, practicing, and wishing things would improve.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to relax, accept things as the way they are and be happy with my current circumstances. It feels like throughout my life though things have gotten better from year to year but I always thought being at a university would be a time in my life where I wouldn't be going through this sort of underlying depression and anxiety. It makes me think I chose the wrong school which makes me feel a great amount of regret, yet at the same time would I have been able to handle living as far away from my parents as say in Spokane or Bellingham? Probably not. 

I'm just so lonely. So very, very lonely here. Sometimes I feel like coming to Central was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Especially when I see pictures of kids at other universities with their new friends going to school events and having great times... I don't want it to be like that though. I see other people enjoying it here and having social lives, why can't I? 

Coming to this school as a Junior and having no real interest in most school activities is the main reason I'm in this position. The guitar is my safety blanket, I have to play every day or I feel disgusted and anxious. My grades are something I take pride in and I have to study a great deal to reach the standards and goals I've set for myself. That being said, a huge amount of my time is spent studying and playing the guitar instead of say, sitting around in the SURC and BS'ing with people... which would be nice occasionally but when I don't know anybody getting lunch or coffee or anything in the SURC usually entails sitting alone, looking around awkwardly, quickly eating whatever slop they served me there and getting out. 

Here I am crying again. I'm going to pray, ask God to help me in these hard times. Today was a little easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. I hope.. I really do, this weekend has been so lonely for me and I'm so thankful that I have family and friends back home to help me through these rough times.

peace.