Breaking up sucks. Independence.

I've had to make some rather difficult decisions the passed couple days.

First of all, I need to find a job. If I can help it I'd like to live in this apartment as long as possible and that's not gonna happen if I don't find work. I'm going to do everything I can to not have to move back in with my parents after I graduate. I need to continue to apply for career opportunities (or start again, haven't done much of anything since late January because I've been preoccupied) but also try to find a part time job in town to make some extra cash. That way I won't have to ask my parents anymore and it'll be my first step toward real independence.

Secondly, in order to face my emotions head on, I had to break up with Travis. I had to stop using him as a crutch whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed. I will always love him for being there for me and making me realize I can be loved. He found me at a time my life was spiraling out of control and my depression had reached an all time high for 2014. He helped me recover and find strength again, even while I quit marijuana cold turkey which was extremely difficult.

I have to learn to be strong on my own, even while abstaining from alcohol and not smoking completely. It still sucks not being able to smoke but I know it's for the best, especially considering I'm starting my job hunt tomorrow.

Third, I need to start taking better care of myself. Try to go to the gym every weekday that I'm not swamped with homework. I need to start getting a better night sleep which will help my stress a lot because I will not feel tempted to nap during the day. Napping makes me depressed because I feel like I've wasted a chunk of my day that I could be studying or bettering myself at the guitar. I need to make more time for the guitar again. I haven't uploaded any videos of me playing in such a long time and that bothers me because it makes me feel like anyone from an outside perspective would think I gave it up when I've continued to get better. Granted I don't practice nearly as much as I used to but every day that I do practice is a step in the right direction. Every day that I don't drink is also a step in the right direction because even if it's a depressant and makes you feel better temporarily it brings your inhibitions to an all time low and just creates more work for the next day.

I just need to be strong. Focus on what I'm doing here and pursue every opportunity I can. There's no reason that I carry a certain amount of uncertainty and depression at this point when I've made so many strides in the right direction so far this year. I want to make 2015 my most successful year yet.

Suicide Note pt 1 by Pantera. I listened to the Pantera collection at the gym today and it reminded me how much I love them. I've got a new friend named Brian who is going to send me a list of progressive bands he recommends so I'm hoping to expand my damn good metal list soon. 

peace.

work steadily getting more managable

I was reluctant for a long time to post my business school acceptance letter on facebook for some reason, so to be honest this sat on our living room floor since the 18th. I stuck in on my wall for a few minutes and found it was too stressful to see so I put it in the drawer.

Pretty much my entire life as I see it relies on this degree. It's my job these next probably two years to work my absolute hardest and do absolutely everything possible to get this damn degree. I was meditating on this last night and when I thought about school my emotions got kind of worked up and it stirred me out of meditation. That's how I know it's extremely important to me. But yeah you guys all know that. 

Looking at this also of course reminded me of Sipic (I seriously can't call him "Toni" on this blog, it's too informal. If we're ever like friends someday after I graduate I'll call him Toni but not now). Anyway I'm wondering how he's doing this summer. I'm wondering how his research went. He's doing a kind of cost-benefit analysis with marijuana, like he's seeing if the potency of the marijuana correlates with the cost of it and will be getting information from medicinal places all over California. Lol I'm sure he's doing research on a lot of other subjects too. I've think I've written about this before.... okay changing subjects now. Work.

Work is getting better. More because I'm getting the hang of my job and can focus more on getting the task at hand. I got a credit application yesterday so I was really happy about that, I'm trying to stay off this list of people that have zero. Right now I think I've done 3. So yay! I'm getting faster at folding too. Maybe I won't quit. If I do get a second job though that'd be okay for like 8-10 hours a week. I haven't made any money this summer honestly. 

Anyway i'm gonna practice. 

peace. 

Well the crazy lady's gone

Hello everyone. What do you think of this font? It's called "Trebuchet." Maybe I'll set this as my preset font. I can't tell if my eyes can get used to this font or not. 

Yeah probably not. 

Alright so, let's see, haven't written in a few days. It's Friday and here I am in my scrubby clothes at 5:30 pm. I just had dinner a few minutes ago. I had whole wheat pasta with vegetables and chicken on top. This is what I like to eat almost every day lately, it's so healthy. 

I'm staying in Ellensburg this weekend after all. I had my lesson with Jacob last night and he told me we weren't going to do an actual practice run-through at the pre-recital. It's more of a way for Jake to figure out the seating arrangement, which is cool-- but yeah not gonna drive back to the tri cities for a 10 minute run-through. 

My lesson was really good last night. Jake sent me the Nothing Else Matters backing track that I need to be able to play with perfectly. I realize now that I'm not actually playing with the TRACK in the background... Gah, I'm a noob. No, it's going to be just a little track in the background... for 6 minutes. Why the hell did I insist on picking such a long song. 

Jake wants me to practice it 8-10 times with the track per day until the 27th. I plan on doing so. Today I've been working on adding some tab to the sheet music that I ordered. The way that it's laid out shows different guitar parts in pieces so I've been unable to use it. I don't know, it's hard to explain, I'm getting it taken care of.

My visit with my friend Evan went well. He came over a couple nights ago around 7:30. We went down the Surc to meet up with a friend of his, came back and took this pic. Our visit was really fun but pretty brief. We basically hung out and watched netflix for a bit then I had to study. He crashed on the futon. I noticed Kristin hasn't slept out there since. 

Evan  said he might come up and hang out with me next weekend! That's awesome, glad to see I have a new person to hang out with on the weekends. 

Right now I'm not entirely sure what my plans are this weekend. I know that Katharine is going to be in Ellensburg at some point but I probably won't get a chance to see her until tomorrow. To be honest I'm kind of happy I'm not driving back to the tri cities, that would be such a huge pain in the ass right now. Now that Katelynn and I aren't best friends there's not much reason to go back... I mean anyone else I could just communicate with on facebook but Katelynn was someone that I always wanted face time with to get away.

That being said there is a chance Terry and I could see eachother this weekend. Yesterday I texted him asking if we could plan to sit next to eachother in lab and he's like "Yea we can probably do that." So today we sat next to eachother and I think he anticipated being the one to help me but it was visa-versa. He told me that he had years of experience using Excel but today he didn't know how to move the table around... Lol. Okay I'm definately not an expert at this crap either but it wasn't him sitting there holding my hand to get me through the homework today like I think he expected.

Numerous times he asked me, "Are you getting this?" Like asking if I need help. I'm happily said, "Nope!" and would then get ahead of him and he'd ask me to get caught up. It's felt great being on top of my academic game lately. 

There's this really cool guy in my stats class that helped me get through some of the final steps of the lab. I can't remember his name but he reminds me of Will Ferrell. Anyway he helped me finish the lab, then I helped Terry, then again we were a couple of the last ones out of there. Maybe because we actually get the lab done in the time allotted. About half the class leaves just 10 or 15 minutes after Sipic finishes explaining the material. 

The crazy older lady is gone from my classes I think. Damn it, she was providing some regular entertainment-- but not having her there has made it easier for my professors to get through there lectures so that's a plus. Okay if you guys haven't read about the crazy lady yet, she's this woman in late 30's to early 40's who was in both my Statistics and Economics class this quarter. In both classes she would continually raise her hand asking these asinine questions that are so irrelevant that people would just roll their eyes any time she'd raise her hand.

On Monday she was especially bad in economics. That day in statistics during our review for the test Terry and I were chatting more than usual and trying to help eachother out. Needless to say, I do not include the crazy lady in my conversations regardless of the fact that she sits next to me and tries to butt in continually. Terry and I were looking at something trying to figure out a step and the crazy lady tapped on my shoulder and said "Well here's my answer!" and points to it. I'm like, "Oookay.." Shortly after she shoots up her hand and asks another stupid question and I finally just cracked up.

Like I chuckled out loud, I'm not going to lie. I think I was facing Terry and said something along the lines of "Oh my God..." and she said "Is that a stupid question?!" and I'm like "No, no, I'm just laughing at something my friend is doing.."

The next day she moved to the row behind me, and for the rest of the week she didn't show up to economics. If she's been in stats it's only been for a couple of days because I haven't heard her ass backwards, kind of "showy," jargon-filled but obviously NOT knowing-the-context-of-the-word questions. Older students that act like they have something to prove piss everyone off. Ha ha university level college is a lot better than community college because you don't have to deal with that as much.

But yeah I think she's done. For some reason I'm having a feeling I drove her nuts. I bring out the crazy in people at times... 

peace. 

Time management issues

Wow, this quarter is going to present all new challenges....

Today was my first day of classes and my schedule really took a toll on me physically and I'm wondering how I'm going to adjust and plan my time as efficiently as possible.

I'm taking three classes in this order:

Macro-Economics with Carbaugh, 9:00-9:50
Didn't study for this today yet, I plan to read the first review after I get offline here in a few minutes.

Today this was the hardest to pay attention because I'm very used to the format of Carbaugh's class now that I've taken him for microeconomics. I feel like it sort of gives me an edge in the class. Ha ha, in most cases over this last year I would rather not take the professor again.

Not saying I didn't enjoy listening to the professor's lectures at all or participating in the class at the time. There were just some classes that were harder than others and taking the next level up would be dreadful. Like my legal environment of business class. I liked the professor but it was so boring and two hours long.

But yeah Rob Carbaugh is an excellent professor. I try really hard to stay on top of the material outside of class because there's no excuse for not doing well on his tests. He gives students such an overabundance of tools to use to study for that I'd feel guilty not studying for the tests. He also puts a ton of work in his handouts. I printed the required 80 page packet of handouts at the BEGINNING of the quarter this time. Cost me $2 to print in the library (getting the hang of the ugly Mac system). They're double sided and out of order currently but they're all there.

Business Statistics with Sipic
Studied this for TWO SOLID HOURS....

Okay this professor inspired me today. He's AWESOME. My favorite kind of no bullshit professor. He's Croatian, so his accent sounds similar to Russian. It was hilarious today though, every time he impersonated an American coming to talk to him he would go out of his Croatian accent and do this funny sort of "Anglo-"American accent that sounded like the clear eyes guy.

He spent a lot of the class discussing that Statistics is exactly and the importance of data in the everyday world and why you should care about learning it. He said that when he's talked to major companies their supervisors usually say they're looking for employees that know statistics and how to analyze data.

There was sort of lightbulb that went off in my head when he was discussing it today and I finally realized why I'd been doing the problems that I was having such a difficult time conceptualizing in finite math. I really appreciate Dale Width for being such a laid back grader in that class because I realize now that everything that I did in that class was meant to lead up to this AH-HA moment! Yay!!

Public Speaking
This class was PACKED! There were 11 people on the wait list and I was so fortunate to be number 1 so I just got moved over to that class. Because I wasn't on the attendance list for some reason I was stressed out for most of that class. It was really crowded, I couldn't help but notice how many girls with fake tans there were in the room, I was so uncomfortable. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in the front.

I'm going to make it to my classes earlier tomorrow.. especially economics because I want to sit in the front again this quarter, the second row sucks.

I have two hour blocks in between my three classes so I'm thinking of applying for a job. That's all for today.

peace.

I lied I'm stuck here, haha.

Second choice to my "Black and White" pic for Day 4 of the photo challenge.

This one is significantly not as cute as the one I took on my desk today. 

I kind of feel like a photo whore but it's become a somewhat enjoyable part of my day... and has been forcing me to wear makeup instead of being a lazy slob like I could have this past week.

This certainly hasn't been a lazy week though, I've really made an effort to study at least a half hour-an hour of math each day and I've also managed to look over my legal material every day as well. To be honest I haven't even cracked the book. I've just been looking at old tests. I might be overly confident about my knowledge of contract laws, but I'm going into that exam confident tomorrow. And hey, if I get really stumped on a few problems, it IS open book... And I even ghetto tabbed the book so that I can locate the chapters that I need more quickly.

Today I went to a math review in a different classroom. Again, I've got a decent feel for it. I got an 83 on my 4th test which means my grade is currently sitting pretty still at a B+. I'm pretty happy about that.

I can't go to UW next year. I got a call from the business adviser and she basically told me in order to get into their competitive business program I would to have had to take calculus AGAIN there as well as a legal class AGAIN... Going to UW would make this quarter basically pointless. Hardly any of my credits would transfer there, and I wouldn't even be able to get into the business program itself until SPRING.... Not, not, not worth it. That councilor told me straight up that it's not advised to come in as a senior.

So that's it! I am definitely getting my business degree here, there's no doubt about that. I'm not too depressed about it, like it's not that bad here.. It's just better than living at home, having to driiiiive all over the place, dealing with the chaos of my house, etc.

Who knows though, if I get good grades here there's no reason why I couldn't go for my master's degree at UW. I could try getting a job over in Seattle in my field after graduation and start working on that degree if I really wanted to... Get it all done early while my brain is still this spongy and active, lol.

I just wish the campus life here was a little better. I also wish I could meet some normal girls to go out with. I'm planning on having a lot of fun and spending lots of time with people in the Tri-cities, as I've said before. I think once I meet some girls to hang out with things will get a lot better.

Jared J. bailed on the plans we'd made this weekend. He told me he's gotta get ready for finals. Uh, on a Friday? And why haven't you been getting prepared earlier? Ugh, guess most people aren't as proactive as I am. I don't care. It's starting to feel like forever since I've crushed on anyone, which can make time seem even slower here sometimes. Maybe I just wanted Jared to feel like I was crushing on someone... those feelings I once had for him are more than likely not there anymore.

I'm so much like my Dad. I bitch when I'm alone but I'm the happiest when I'm alone when I'm getting stuff done.

I'm getting so much better at the guitar, good God Jacob is a good teacher. The other day I felt like I had a "click" of some kind when I was working on improvisation. Like I had a good feeling that yes, I am really improving, keep going to see more incredible things unfold from your very fingers.... I'm really excited to have a couple lessons with Jacob when I come home.

peace.

Feelings can be difficult.

It's been a long day. I really should be working on some math but I'm saving that until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to math class, then spend the rest of the day preparing for my next math test on Friday. Montgomery gives us an ample amount of time to understand each concept and I appreciate that. Today I had to miss math because I was busy with accounting test preparation... yet again.

I'm lucky that both of my other classes really slowed down when this test became one of my top priorities two weeks ago. I am happy to say that's done now so that I can move on to finishing up these other two subjects strong. I have tried pretty hard in this math class, aside from the days that I probably shouldn't have skipped because I was up all night in near ecstacy the few times with Jed. Okay, I don't want to glamorize it that much... I guess you could say I was very happy to be spending time with him, and allowed myself to open up just enough to enjoy the moment before it was inevitably gone.

Subconsciously my heart is telling me that I want MORE of those moments... which I know in my mind is WRONG. He played me, TWICE. There's no forgiving him or ever being able to trust him again after that second time. That horrible week I was dealing with panic attacks.. to be honest Jed was the LAST thing on my mind, I was over him. But then all of a sudden he wanted back in.

I had talked to Ashley that day and she encouraged me to give him a second chance but warned that if he did it again, well, I guess then you know. She's right. I now know.

So thoughts of him are now pointless and burdensome. I don't want to think about him at all but somehow I still kind of keep my eye out for him when I pass his building or he comes to mind first when my phone goes off randomly. I want thoughts of him to go away... He's only brought me unnecessary pain and I hate him for it. I think he was the closest thing I've had to having any real feelings for someone since Jack... so it's hard. I cannot just pretend this is not still hard for me. At least in my blog... and the occasional facebook rant. In real life I can control exactly what I say and express to the outside world. I can act as aloof to what should be one of the most important things in a young girls life...

I'm going to save this video so I can listen to it tomorrow while I do my math. What I like about math is that I practice it and listen to videos at the same time, versus my legal homework where I really have to focus on the jargon and content. Luckily my legal class is coming somewhat easy to me now, I've really gotten the hang of these contract laws. 

Metiner said today that I presented the BEST case description that he's heard all quarter. Wow, I'm so honored.... I cannot even describe to you guys how proud of myself I am about this. I am so incredibly happy to have just remembered that. What a shame to have ended this day thinking about what doesn't really matter when I had something extraordinarily fulfilling occur. 

peace.

Let's yell in the hallway like highschool.

Today's been quite a typical Wednesday.

The kind where I know I have the entire next day to get work done but I'm still contemplating if I should get some of that work done tonight. My brain always feels fried after my business classes. It's four hours of extremely dry material, what can I say.

I never really watched Fresh prince, but I enjoyed this meme enough to save this picture last night... 

I'm starting to sort of get the hang of Chapter 12. A guy came to deliver the new stupid accounting textbooks that we've been waiting on since the beginning of the quarter. He asked us if we preferred these new "custom" text books or the original textbooks, and almost everyone in class agreed that they'd rather pay a higher amount up front and being able to sell it back later.  Apparently this wasn't the answer this textbook sales guy was looking for, he stormed off after he realized he wasn't going to change our minds that the new textbooks suck. I mean we wouldn't of had this problem had we had the whole textbook in the first place. Anyway, I've now got my NEW accounting text book, with Chapter 15 that looks like it's almost all formulas.... whew!

Formulas are easy, I've just got to write down the formulas and practice them with flash cards over and over.  I just added that to my goal board for this week.

I had an odd run in with Jared today. I was sitting outside my law class and he walked by, not noticing me sitting there initially. I'm like, "Jared?" and he turned and immediately responded "I just texted you!!" I'm like, "What? No you didn't." He just kept walking, yelling back "YES I did!"

....What the Hell, how old are we, in highschool? ...Oh yeah. He texted me saying "Heyy" tonight, I responded Hello and I don't think he knows what to say. Lol. Yeah, very silly for him to be yelling at me in the business building where it's typically pretty quiet.... There's sometimes open classroom doors. That and I'm pretty sure it was an outright lie. Granted it's a white lie, but still, when it was so blatant and lame like, What? 

Katelynn's going to call me here in a few minutes when she finishes her pizza lunchable. The past week has been weird... every day here is a story for me, I swear. Someday I'm going to be so happy I wrote these entries so I can reflect on all the crazy crap I dealt with.

peace. 

Round 8... START.

today marks the beginning of...
Week 8

ROUND 8

I have a CRAZY amount of shit to get done today, which is why I'm skipping my math class again. 

I've skipped it once a week for the past few weeks and it hasn't effected my grade or understanding at all. It'll probably benefit me a lot more to get a couple solid hours of study in for math and figure out everything we're going to need to do on the upcoming test. In order for me to skip a class and relax about it I have to study extensively in said subject... I of course haven't skipped my accounting or legal class once this quarter because they take role. Montgomery doesn't take roll, and I know today we're just going to do review problems. 

Without my bike it exhausts me go to my math class first thing in the morning.. I'm picking up my bike today after an appointment I have to go to at 10:45. Okay lemme just run through the stuff I gotta do today. Note that this is a pretty normal Tuesday...

1. Pick up bike from shop.

2. Go to appointment

3. Study math for 2 hours

4. Legal Quiz, chapter 11, 12, 13

5. F*ing accounting chapter read and 1/2 of that homework

6. Write up a new weekly plan

7. Vacuum

8. Laundry

So yeah it's gonna be a hell of a day. I've actually gotta pick up some important things that I'm out of at the store too, like milk and yogurt. Maybe I'll stop at the store after my appointment... Well I have to get the bike home first and I can't leave milk in the car DURING my appointment. Damn it, I'm just gonna have to run to the store later. 

Note to self, never buy a half gallon jug of milk. I can go through that in four days... 

I will feel so good and prepared for the upcoming week if I get everything done today. Week 7 was a lot of work getting prepared for that accounting test and I'm proud of myself for being done with that but now it's time to move forward again on a new page of Week 8. Another week of challenges

I feel bad because I might only be taking 10 credits next quarter... But as I look at my administration requirements I'm wondering if that's the right choice for me. 

Finite math for me is going to be difficult because it's a logic class.. And I would be taking economics with that which is an entirely new class for me. I don't know if I want to load Statistics on top of that and potentially overload myself. 

If I did only take 10 credits this quarter, I would be taking Statistics, Econ 202 and Intro to Financial management in the spring. That's Finance 370, my first real University level class. Just taking one will give me a taste of what's to come the following year. 

Hmm... There appears to be some communication classes that I could possibly take this quarter, including English 310, technical writing. I liked my technical writing class at CBC. I don't know if I'll have to take English 102 in order to get into that class though so I need to call the admissions office about that today. I'm hoping to God my Technical writing class at CBC can override that credit or I might be stuck taking English 102 this quarter. 

Of course I don't have that much problem taking an English class. They're not the most frightening classes to me because I'm a good enough writer, I'm opinionated and I know how to get my thoughts down on paper. I just hate all the reading and time consuming papers English 102 often demands of you. 

Yep, now that I'm looking at this it appears I'm going to be stuck taking 102... I better find a decent professor and put it in my shopping cart. It's going to be another really tough quarter but if I can get good professors everything will be okay.

Wow, there's no reviews for any of the English professors that are teaching this quarter. I'm going in blind with that professor... Here's my final list for Winter:

-English 102 with Fleming, Mo-Wed-Friday from 8:00-8:50 AM
Gah, another 8:00 class, damn it, it's what I have to do...

-Econ 201 with Carbaugh, Mon-Friday 9:00-9:50

-Math 130 (Finite Math) with Width, Mon-Friday 10:00-10:50

So no more 2 hour classes, which is nice, which means every day I'll get done at 11 and have the rest of the day to study or do whatever needs to get done. I think I can handle this class load, it's a good divide of math, business and reading. I say reading because I know English 102 will require a lot of it, just like my Legal class did this quarter. 

Shit, there's something shoved behind my drawer that is making it so I can't close the damn thing and its driving me crazy. I need to call a maintenance guy to get that fixed. He's actually going to have to unscrew and remove the entire drawer to recover whatever got shoved back there. Annoying.

Alright anyway I gotta go, better get started with that list... blegh

peace. 

Most important test of my life here tomorrow, and more..

It's november so I should start posting things that I'm thankful for. To be honest I'm thankful for a lot of things, many of which I hadn't started being thankful for until just a year or so ago. The more I learn about other people's lives the more I realize how lucky and extremely fortunate I really am. 

Can finally discard this. 

It's not brand new, but hey it's comfortable, adjusts up and down, and helps improve my playing posture. Thank you so much Dad.

One thing I'm fortunate for is the fact that I don't have broke parents. I know that's a shallow thing to say right off the bat this month but it really does make a huge difference in the amount of effort you have to put into getting to the point I am. My parents have always been extremely supportive in paying for my college expenses. Yesterday my Dad came over, brought me a "care package" with a bunch of cool office supplies, a new office chair and $60 for no apparent reason. OH, and on top of everything he took my bike to the shop to get it repaired because I couldn't haul it in my car. Apparently the bike shop is right down the road though so I'll be able to just ride it home when it's ready on Tuesday. 

It's funny my Dad has driven everyone crazy but I'm so thankful to have him because without him I don't think any of this college stuff would be possible. Not only would I probably never look into the business degree had it not been what he taught me about money growing up, but I probably also wouldn't have the same work ethic. He's taught me a lot about hard work and how important it is to manage your money because it can place a huge strain on your life if you don't. 

 We've grown a lot closer over the last year because I understand when he talks to me about work and he gets a sense of accomplishment when he helps me with my schoolwork. He helped explain a concept for tomorrow's accounting test this morning. So I guess I can just say that I'm thankful for my Dad and everything he's given me. I'm of course thankful for my mom too, who puts up with and helps me through alllll of my emotional struggles that I've had over the years. 

November is a time to be thankful, and I can honestly say I'm very, very thankful for everything... especially the opportunities my parents have given me. 

My couch is no longer white! There was a black slip cover up in our attic space that I put over it this morning. Good thing, too, that white was getting sort of grubby, between you and I... 

I've become a better chef! I made that really tasty grilled chicken breast for Reina and I when she came over for lunch this last Friday. She'd told me, "Emily you are my important friend from the US!" I can't tell you how special that makes me feel. She's only going to be in the United States for six months so I really want a chance to take her back to shop in the tri cities. Maybe I can take her to the mall to do some christmas shopping or something. I figure I'm coming home for Christmas break anyway but it's not that far of a ride to just come get here.

We'll see what my finances are looking like... and what my life is looking like, at that time. I can see Reina and I having lunch together every Friday between now and the time she leaves in March, to be honest! 

So I've got my first lesson with Jake on Thursday at 5:30... I've been improving my practice regime just to be able to show him the new stuff I've taught myself since we last met. I'm so, so excited.. Especially for when his website is up and he starts uploading guitar pro tabs! Jake is REALLY.. err, pro-guitar pro, haha. He got me hooked, it's the greatest tab program out right now and because all of his students use it I imagine we'll be able to post songs on the forums.

Jake ALSO invited me to come give lessons sometime at the shop because there are girls that only want to get lessons from a girl. I initially said, "Oh no I couldn't possibly...!" and made up some excuses but after I thought about it I'm like, why the hell not? Wasn't I just advertising that I could give lessons a couple months ago? I now realize I'm not nearly that caliber of a player yet. I believe I'm in the "good" range, I've gone from "beginner" in the first couple months to "intermediate" for the next four months, and I now consider myself "intermediate-good." 

I have the dexterity and technical skill to play almost anything in the Rock-Metal genre but it's a matter of finding the right songs and memorizing the music that's the hard part. Right now I'm learning Sultans of the Swing, Closer to the Sun by Slightly Stoopid and Mother Superior by Coheed and Cambria. I wanted to find three songs outside my typical Iron Maiden crazy box. 

Tomorrow I have the most important accounting test of my life but I'm not feeling particularily anxious because I have studied, very well. I've used flash cards and I've got most of the formulas and concepts down very well. I'm going to study another hour and a half tonight to really solidify some of Chapter 13 that I was having trouble on. I would also like the opportunity to study for an hour or so before I take the exam itself. The exam opens at 10:00 AM.

I have to make sure to wake up early tomorrow to make myself some good ole Mexican eggs. They're a powerhouse of nutrients and they'll help better prepare me for my exam. At the time of my last exam I was probably running on 700-900 calories a day and I've regulated it entirely since then so hopefully I will see a large improvement to my grade from the 60%.

OH, another thing I have to get done tonight is figure out my registration date and pick a list of classes that I want to take next quarter. The sooner I get THAT out of the way the better, as we all know... I do NOT want another professor that doesn't make any sense next quarter. We'll see.

Just got my score on the legal midterm! 79.83, that rounds up to an 80%!! That's a B-!!! YAY!!! 

peace. 

6 hour study day.... go!

I decided today is going to be my BIG study day, my goal is SIX hours total.

My to-do list today is pretty crazy so I've got to get started early. Math has me extremely paranoid and frustrated because my instructor never writes out the steps of anything-- I have to annotate everything he says and I end up missing other steps. It doesn't help that the textbook is completely useless.

But if I do these six hours of study today I should be a lot better off for next week and I'll feel more prepared than I did this week. Most of my first tests are in this upcoming week as well so I should definitely be re-saturating the information in my brain, getting a chance to sleep on it, and re-studying it the next day to get a better understanding than the previous day.

This has been working with my legal class. I've been studying that for a couple hours each day and I've already got a better understanding of the court system than when I started. I printed out one of the old legal tests for the first unit-- 108 problems full of legal terminology and rules, it's incredibly difficult and if I don't prepare for this diligently I will inevitably fail this test. So wish me luck on that.

So today's goals are:
- Do laundry
- Annotate ch. 2 of my legal textbook
- ...Then take the Ch. 1/2 quiz for my legal class.
- Math for at least two hours, going to meet up with Patrick and he's going to help me out. Maybe we'll also hang out this evening after I get everything done, who knows.
-Annotate chapter 2 of accounting book.

As you can see, lots and lots of work, but if I get done with this I'm going to be SO proud of myself. I don't know when I'm going to be able to squeeze guitar in today. Yesterday I only got to play a half hour, it sucks! But I guess that's what I expected coming here, I was so blessed to be able to sit around practicing for 3 hours a day back home but here I have to earn that time.

peace.


Later....

Patrick came over and helped me with my math for almost two hours, AND brought me a bag of bagels when I asked him to pick me up one on his way back from the SURC. That was super sweet of him and he got major brownie points to spend time with me again if he wants too. 

Jason hasn't talked to me all day, this is the second day in a row. I had told him earlier this week that my birthday was this upcoming monday, asking if he wanted to spend time together. I mean obviously, why wouldn't we? He told me he's got other plans this weekend and that he'll let me know if he can get out of them. 

I've already got plans, my parents and Katelynn are coming up on Sunday, we're probably going to have dinner and it'll be a chill time. I'm not worried about if Jason's involvement anymore, I just always feel like I'm an inconvenience to him now and I don't want to feel that way about anyone. I want to feel like that person is enjoying spending time with me, doesn't everyone? 

So because Jason told me that he is going to let me know if he can get out of plans or not, I'm going to wait it out. If he seriously has no regard for my feelings what-so-ever, he will text me AT ALL this weekend. If that is the case, that will be the end of Jason and I's run. So if he's like almost every other guy that I've been involved with romantically, he will follow that hypothesis, ignore me, and I'll have to cut things off which I really don't WANT to do because I like Jason but I can't just wait and wait if he's just going to blow me off like that. 

I'm satisfied that I now have a verdict on this. I'm not going to text Jason first this weekend at all and we'll see what he does. Until then I've got a lot of stuff going on so it doesn't really matter. 

peace. 

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace. 

A little disappointed with my saving abilities. :(

I feel absolutely sick with myself.

I've made no money this summer, zip, and I've tried so hard... maybe I should have tried harder, not gone out to see friends in town as often, I really don't know. I checked my bank statement for May and it said I have $1600 back then... I have $1533 in the bank right now, $200 until my next paycheck.

My upcoming expenses between now and when I move are pretty steep. Here's my budget for July 28-Sept 10:

-Amplifier, $200

-Differin, $70

-About $60 for gas

-$80 for Jacob

-$30 for Mac Careblend makeup

-$100 misc nessasary expenses

-$50 for medication

total: $590

I've got 4 paychecks between now and the end, adding up to about $1000, sans the expenses = about $400 that I could potentially save. My goal is to have $1,750 in the bank at the end. 

This just sucks, I feel like I've done hardly anything this summer except sit in my room practicing and work. I've hung out with friends, which can get expensive but most of the time me and my friends just sit around anyway because I never want to do anything because I don't like spending the money on gas. 

Meh, I should try not to stress out about these things. It really shouldn't matter that much to me but for some reason it always has because the stress my parents have put on me about saving; predominantly just my Dad.  

peace.

Remember when I was so strange and likeable.

Sigh...

I'm sitting here in the living room at Carmin and Chad's. I watched Tori this evening, who was super well behaved. I was texted right after I got out of work. They should be pulling in here any minute but you know how it goes; I told them they could stay out as long as they want.

It was incredible to watch Tori today. She's gotten so much bigger and she looks adorable, I love her very much. It tripped me out because I watched her so many times as a baby and then to not see her for a year.. She's got her own little personality! She's so cute and bright, it makes me actually look forward to having kids someday.

As expected, I'm suddenly in contact with Jack again, what a huge surprise. He's not going to be moving back to the tri cities this summer though so I don't see us spending any time together. I've been sort of bitchy at him, honestly. I just find it almost impossible not too after my angst and frustration toward him in the past. At least we're on a communication basis to where I'm not trying to avoid him anymore.

Because I guess you could say the reality of Western is setting in with my whole family, and I just don't think it's in the cards for me. It's 8 hours away, which is a long ass drive that I don't know my car can handle. I probably couldn't transfer my job because its in an entirely different district. I could potentially feel quite isolated there, and the depressing weather doesn't help. Speaking of which, I JUST got over my depression, making the Western situation seem so overwhelming...

Central really is the best option. I know this, and I've known it all along but I was so worried about not having my own experience because the fear of Katharine "showing me the ropes" and not being able to figure things out on my own. Well, Katharine is leaving down to LA soon and if I ever need some advice on how Central works she'd be a great person to call, and I can still have my own experience even if I do know some people there. My Dad knows a lot of people in the business department at Central. I'd be majoring in business administration with a specialization in Human Resources.

I wanted to go to Western when I was so desperate to get away from everyone, but I've realized that maybe I don't want to leave Katelynn, Samantha... these people in my life in the tri-cities that I love so much. Granted, yeah I'm not going to be around nearly as much but going to Central will allow me to return home for the holidays when Western probably wouldn't of. Driving over the pass is dangerous as Hell, so scary.

This is a brief reminder to myself that I got a video request. I'll probably do it in one of my cosplay wigs. I've got four days to do this:

Cosplay Interview Questions

How would you define cosplay?

What factors led you to start cosplaying?

When and where did you first cosplay? What was your first costume? How did others react? Was it a positive or negative experience? How old were you?

How have you changed since you started cosplaying?

How do you obtain costumes? Do you make them? Buy them? Alter?

What do you understand as understood rules of cosplaying?

How do you feel about other cosplayers?

Who do you look up in cosplay? Why?

Do your friends cosplay? How do those you know react to your hobby?

How do you feel about cosplaying? Is it a social taboo?

What has been your best experience with cosplay? Your worst?

How many costumes do you have?

Do you prefer doing costumes by yourself or in a group?

Do you have any other interests/hobbies?

How do you think people who don’t cosplay view cosplay?

It's for Khillian, she's doing a school project. Great excuse to make a video.

It's 12:00 am. I'm getting tired. I should probably try to get a little shut eye before they get home.. I've got work tomorrow but I feel restless. My head is just swimming right now.

peace.

Maybe I'm not even close to being done with math.

Thick fog on the highway last night almost completely froze my windsheild. It made driving really scary and I really hope this doesn't happen to me when I'm driving to school this winter.

Today I'm gonna do a really quick overview of what I've taken again to make sure that I'm graduating after this next quarter. I do this before every quarter to keep track of everything and make sure there's no loopholes that I'm missing. Plus it's sort of nostalgic for me, haha. I also need to think about what I'm gonna take during Spring and Summer to start working on prerequisites for my major.

Communication (13 Credits) 13/13-English 101 with Figueroa, 3.6. 5 credits. Hardest English class I've ever taken, and it seems like FOREVER ago that I took this. Fall 2009.

-Speech Essentials, 3.2. 3 credits. Learned that I really hate speech classes and hate presenting things. Did a bunch of weeaboo presentations on Japanese things. Spring 2010.

-Technical Writing--English 235, 3.9. 5 credits. This one looks really nice on my transfer degree. Winter 2011.

Quantitative/Symbolic Reasoning (5 Credits) 0/5
FINALLY getting this crap done this quarter with CS 102.

Humanities (15 Credits) 15/15

-English 111, 2.5. 5 credits. Some stupid intro to literature class that I took as a highschool requirement for my senior English. Required a ton of reading of boring ass material and the teacher was way too strict. He didn't like my writing, he would get on my case about not getting the symbolism. This class is why I decided not to be an english major. Lowest grade at CBC. Winter 2010.

-ICS 130. Survey of Asian American Culture, 3.2. 5 credits. For a class that could of been fun, this was really boring. Luckily it held my interest enough that I read the material and did the work. The teacher wasn't very nice. Spring 2010. Running Start.

-Japanese 121, 4.0, 5 credits. My first ever Japanese class! Fall 2010. Worked so hard to learn that damn hiragana alphabet, the set phrases, super basic grammar, and about 20 kanji.

Social/Behavioral Sciences 15/15

-Anthropology 100. 3.2, 5 credits. This class was HARD. So much reading!! I bet Michael Kelmel in this class, who's now transfered out of CBC. Liked him for awhile and used to sit next to him before class and play pokemon on DS, haha. I said some stupid crap in this class and I feel sort of embarrissed by it even today. I've hugely become more mature and less obnoxious since then. Fall 2010.

-Sociology 100. 3.3, 5 credits. This class had hard tests, but overall it was really laid back because there were a lot of extra credit opportunities. Jared Johnson was in this class. Fall 2010.

-Psychology 101, 3.7, 5 credits. I was such a dumbass in this class and used to participate way too much because I thought that's how you get a grade in there. I'm pretty sure anyone who had a class with me in there thought I was a complete moron and needed to shut the fuck up. Again, I've matured since then, thank God. I was like the Jaime Vera of the class..... Fall 2009. Running start.

Mathematical/Natural Sciences 15/15

-Nutrition 101, 3.7, 5 credits. Met Shavonne in this class. Learned a LOT in this class, even if it was pretty ridiculously easy. Also met this guy named Taylor Knipp that was awesome. I remember being really disruptive unintentionally once and felt bad. Spring 2010. Running Start.

-Biology 100. 4.0, 5 credits. Totally humiliated myself on the first day, and felt like depressed and HORRIBLE for like 5 days because of it. This was during the time of Wellbutrin, where almost everything I said made me feel like people were staring and laughing at me every time I walked in. The paranoia was too much and I ended up dropped Wellbutrin shortly after. I did well in this class and kicked ass at Jeopardy. Summer 2011.

-Environmental Science, 3.9, 5 credits. Again, humiliated myself. Learned that I need to grow the fuck up. I was a super perfectionist in this class and worked really hard, and did extremely well on every test/assignment. it was a really depressing class though. Winter 2010. Running Start.

Math Proficiency: PASS MATH 98 WITH A 2.0 OR HIGHER. 5/5 credits

DONE. Got an 87% in Math 98. That's like a 3.3. I feel fortunate that the 2.7 that I got in Math 97 will NOT count on my GPA. Fall 2011.

Health/P.E., 3/3

-Fitness Center I, 4.0, 1 credit. I didn't like this class because I had to get gross and sweaty before going back to Ki-Be, so I didn't work out TOO hard. Fall 2009. Running start.

-Fitness Center II, 4.0. Two credits is a LOT of hours. I was in there a LOT. I always worked out with Nathan Ling, and got pretty bulked up unintentionally. Fall 2010.

Electives 24/24

-Music Appreciation, 4.0. 5 credits. I loved Mr. Bourrough's class! Learned so much about music, and spent a lot of time working on homework from other classes during the reallllly long videos where he'd just bail into his office. Great lectures though, loved it. Winter 2010. Running Start.

-Japanese II, 4.0, 5 credits. I remember this class was pretty difficult because we really got into adjective/verb conjugation. I feel like I studied harder in this class than I ever have before. Winter 2011. Didn't have Japanese with Hannah and I missed her. I sat next to Jon Stewart, which was good because he studied as much as I did.

-Drugs and Health, 4.0, 3 credits. Just an easy class that I took to make my credit load 13 instead of 10. Spring 2011. Spring 2011 was probably my easiest quarter because Math 96 was cake and Japanese III wasn't horrendously hard either. I had a LOT of fun that quarter.

-Japanese III, 4.0, 5 credits. The class size weened down to just one big class instead of two, and overall this was the most fun quarter of Japanese. We all got to be pretty close friends in this class, and this was when me and Brad became good friends. I remember going to a bunch of events and things at Brad and Chris's houses. Spring 2011.

-Japanese IV, 4.0 (hopefully), 5 credits. This class was hard because I was so focussed on passing math this last quarter. I had to cram at the last minute a lot, and Hannah had to put up with my less than perfect proficiency. Overall, I still worked really hard though and managed to get great grades on my tests and quizzes. Even kept up with my homework. According to sensee, I'm the best at keeping up with homework in the class which makes me really happy. So technically, credits were done this quarter.

-Jogging I, 4.0, 2 credits. This class drove me CRAZY because the teacher never responded to emails! Actually DID the running though, and got in great shape. Spring 2011.

That being said, all I technically NEED this quarter to get my AA is Visual Basic. I have 90 credits as of this quarter, which is the "at least" value to be able to graduate. I'm not excited to take visual basic at all.

So accounting 201 and Japanese V are just going to go to my business major and Japanese minor.

On the Western Business Degree Requirements:

All students intending to earn a degree in accounting or any area of business (except economics) must complete the foundation courses comprised of ACCT 240, 245; ECON 206, 207; MATH 157; DSCI 205; MGMT 271, or their approved equivalent, with a grade of C- or better.

That being said, in the Spring 2012 and Summer 2012 before I transfer, I really need to choose wisely on what I should take.

IF accounting this Fall goes well, and I don't completely hate it and end up changing my course, I plan on taking Accounting 202 and then 203 in the summer. Math 157 is Calculus with Applications to Business. It requires a prerequisite of Precalculus I. That... looks extremely hard. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to do it which makes me wonder if I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I should look into Finance and Marketing. I don't know. I need to talk to a councilor or something to figure out what I need to do.

I think taking pre-calc during the spring or summer might be a good option for me.I'll think about it more when the time comes.

yours,

Emily