Stepping the same place 12 years later

Our house in Paso Robles, California. 

Evening everyone, check this out.

This is a picture of the house I lived in when I was in the 4th grade and we moved to California because my Grandpa had cancer. This is the one house other house my family ever lived in growing up so I wanted to get a picture of it to help solidify memories of living there. Allow me to ramble a few things that come to mind when I look at this picture.

• The sloped driveway on the left. This was really fun to ride up and down on scooters and skateboards* (which of course I'd just sat on... I wasn't near daring enough to ride down a slope on a skateboard even at that age)
• The window by the door. That is where the computer desk was. Like everywhere else I've lived in my life, the computer room was where I spent a lot of my time. Fourth grade was the year I remember first having access to explore the internet (with a snales pace dial up connection of course) and I'm sure I looked up a lot of.... erm, "questionable" sh*t. Not perverted or anything because I didn't know what that was at the time but you know what I mean.
  I also remember playing the Harry Potter and the Sorcerers stone PC game with it's painfully slow graphics and doing fabric crafts in that room. 
• The short brown fence, behind which is the small backyard my sister and I used to play in sometimes. The yard kind of sucked because there was no swingset or anything but it was made up for by having a neighborhood with a lot of room to ride bikes around. I remember going up and down hills and around cal-de-sacs with neighbor kids for hours, it was a great time. 

I don't miss my childhood because I remember it as a time of a lot of insecurity, confusion and frustration, but then when I think of these times I realize how good of a childhood I really had. 

As you guys know I watch a lot of Intervention and most people that grow up addicts have had a bad childhood, whether it be from losing one of their parents from divorce, their parents suffering from addiction or being abused. I didn't have any of these problems growing up, neither of my parents drank and the worst I had to deal with was my Dad's yelling about household finances (which he would later feel really bad about and have one on one talks with me about why he was angry. It's honestly how I learned about money at an early age). 

That's all for tonight guys. I spent some good time studying today but couldn't find much inspiration on the guitar. I wish Jacob would send me the new tab of the Mozart piece he wants me to learn instead of the crappy one I have currently. I also need to start listening to What It's Like by Everlast to figure out how the chorus goes. I haven't gotten around to that yet. The intro riff  sounds great though. That's a good one to have in my repertoire and it's let me practice chords more. 

peace. 

Trying to brace myself

I'm very invigorated by the new year.

Today I got rid of a lot of trash around my house, bagged up some extra clothes that I don't wear for Goodwill, got a few things at the grocery store, practiced about 45 minutes and plan to knock out the other 35 before bed, and best of all prettied up by LinkedIn profile and added some people.

Sipic added me and "endorsed" some of my skills, wheeee : 3 Today was a good day indeed.... My profile is still missing a lot of information but at least I'm getting the hang of it. 

My goal for this break was to get a job and work on that profile so I feel accomplished to some degree. Though I haven't actually been contacted by anyone from the College of business about my application for the office position. I can't put all my eggs in one basket, I need to start applying for other jobs around campus too before long. I'd really rather not work retail again if I can help it. It's exhausting and boring. I either want a job on campus or something that can get me tips for being cute.

My darling Marshall is so happy to be home again where he can relax and not worry about other cats. 

I feel like he hasn't slept in weeks because of the shenanigans that inevitably occurred while we were gone. He stayed at the house with Michiko, Miranda and Marlow when we were in California and this afternoon I noticed some of his whiskers look like they've been cut short. I'm sure it's from Miranda scratching him in this face because he will recklessly annoy the other cats by biting their tails. 

He's been so cuddly and loving with me all day though. He makes me feel less nervous about any upcoming change in my life. Tomorrow school starts and I still have to buy my books. Today I was thinking maybe I'd get them with this guy I like right now but I wasn't able to get in contact with him.

Here are my New Years Resolutions for 2014

1. Make it a goal to practice 80 minutes of guitar a day. Enough to make sufficient progress but not enough to take over my life.

2. Use a squirt bottle to train Marshall not to beg for food. 

3. Study 2 hours a day on weekdays (ex. Friday) and Sundays mandatory, even if it's after a test so I don't end up giving one class more attention than the others. 

4. Absolutely no drinking on Sun.-Thurs., as always, and try to keep drinking on Saturday to a minimum because I need to be fully ready to study on Sundays. 

5. Be confident, damn it. Stop selling myself short, and if I do for God sake don't share it because it only puts you in a vulnerable position. Hold yourself in high esteem while of course respecting and trying to gain knowledge from people who are doing well at what you want to be doing. 

6. Make an effort to dress cute on days that I feel depressed and like shit to motivate myself to get out more. Get out more in general.

7. Don't judge or think badly of someone based on the way they look. Remember the law of attraction and that thinking negatively can effect how you appear to the rest of the world. This will help build new relationships with people. 

8. Moderate time on facebook to be able to use the computer for actual research and schoolwork.

9. Keep up with economics news and pay more attention to names and current events.

10. 100: combination of situps, squats every day. Continue to eat healthy and go the gym if possible. Burning off that energy feels great.

peace. 

THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE, THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE!

Pleasure to see you all again.

Today's been a relaxing, good day. Of course it's Christmas eve, everyone's in a good mood. I got up and got ready this morning at around 11 but I didn't actually go anywhere. I just do my hair and makeup every day that I'm on vacation because I never know what my Grandma might think is photo worthy. Ha ha unfortunately I've done nothing photo worthy today by any means, I sat on my ass in front of the computer and played guitar all day. I did see and talk to my family and play with Aiden of course. 

I made myself a turkey bagel sandwich for breakfast and a turkey sandwich for lunch. I snacked around on chips and salsa a little bit, as well as ate an apple. I can easily recall what I eat here because I generally have to prepare it in my Grandma's kitchen which requires picking and choosing through organic almond milk and flax seed cake.. Thank you Trader Joes. 

Right now I'm waiting on my aunt to bring pizza, it's 6:55 pm and I haven't really eaten a meal since 2 and I'm getting sooo hungry. Oh thank God it's here, that sh*t took hours. I'm gonna eat three pieces, f**k the rest!!! 

26 minutes later...

Well I ate two pieces, and one of them was puny and gluten free and I'm feeling stuffed. It's probably from the beer that I'm drinking to put up with my Grandmother's weird nonsense. She's always talking about her food intake and how she needs to burn off the calories she consumes. Like at dinner she's like "I wonder how many miles it will take me to burn this off..." She stood up to took her plate in and I said to my sister, "I wonder how many miles it'll take for me to give a f**k." She cracked up. 

 I know that my sister has a harder time with my grandma's food comments more than I do because it makes her feel guilty for eating. I don't blame her. Like she was dipping her pizza in ranch and my Grandma was like "Pizza and ranch?" like what a health disgrace! Stuff like that. 

My sister's been cooking all day and bringing in groceries to prepare the snacks for Christmas eve. I'm glad she did because I don't think there would have been anything else to munch on otherwise. My sister had left to pick up some things she'd forgotten and I overheard my aunt say, "Where is she going, to get more food?" It's Christmas eve!! Like since I've been here all I've heard is backhanded comments about what people are eating... but then at the same time Grandma will go on and on about how great the stuff my sister is making is to almost make up for her hurtful comments. 

Like always I've been switching between being on the computer practicing and hanging out with family. I feel I've been chill and friendly with everyone. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my cousin Aiden, he runs in and out every so often.

Well I'm going to go exercise. Somehow all that talk about burning off calories when we were eating pizza got to my head.

peace.

Tension you could cut with a knife

Damn it's been a long day.

10 hours driving to California is never fun but my Dad has just been on a roll since we left. With his continuous cursing and getting pissed off about the tiniest things it's put us all on eggshells. I've tried to just smoke and keep my mind preoccupied with my DS. Smoking on the road isn't an easy task though. It requires me to have to get creative about getting large amounts of water, then finding a windless, secluded location. Makes me feel like a damn druggy, but hey it's legal.

I mean I know I'm addicted, and being with family makes it even harder. I didn't pack enough ammunition for the trip so I'm going to try to hit up a relative to find a dealer.. I wish smoking wasn't such an inconvenience.

Last night I went out and had a pretty fun time. I'd met this guy named Jon on facebook when he asked me if I'd be interested in volunteering for radcon this year. We picked up his friend Laura (she was really sweet, I'm planning to add her on facebook and hope that wasn't just drunken friendliness) and met some other friends of his at the Uptown.

I'd drank a little at home and a shot of Vodka at Laura's so once I finished my beer at the Uptown I was feeling pretty good. I'm getting better at pool, and I'm starting to enjoy it! Ha ha probably not a very healthy hobby. Someday I want my own pool table for sure... Anyway. We played pool for awhile before a few of Jon's friends showed up, one of them was this asian guy named Michael that I ended up kissing at some point that night.... ha ha, alrighty Emily.

We went over to the Town Crier afterward which was a pretty damn good time too because the music was good and people were dancing around 12 so I got a little of that (last time I went out-- i.e. with Sheridan last week, there was no dancing where we went). The club scene just isn't there from what I've seen in the tri cities. But yeah, Town crier was fun, it's the first time I'd gone and they were pretty busy.

Whenever I'm at a Motel I half expect to see a hooker. Even if this has never occurred to me, it's always been an entertaining thought that somewhere in this Motel there's probably a John taking care of a client. 

Or not, it's pretty f*cking cold here in Weed California.

Right now I'm in a Motel 6 and it just hit 1 am. My sister and I got a separate room from our parents so we can get a much needed break from eachother and don't have to fight over the bathroom  tomorrow morning. It's a good idea. Had we gone to holiday inn we would have paid twice as much for one room and almost certainly had issues tomorrow morning...

Just gotta try and keep a positive outlook tomorrow. My Dad is always so negative.. whether he's talking about the news, talking about our lives, whatever. He just puts this horrible gray light on everything and quite frankly it makes me sick to be stuck with. It wears on my mom reallly bad too. She can barely say a word to him without him freaking out. When he acts rude it influences me to not bother being polite either. I have to be more cordial tomorrow or it's going to be a long day, a long trip......

peace. 

You might have won this time. . .

Hello everyone, it's is 5:30 in the morning. 

I went to bed really early last night after kind of forcing myself to read half of my stats chapter. We're learning about confidence intervals right now and it's kind of easy to make mistakes. Lol I told myself if I get above a 3.8 in Sipic's class I'm going to ask him about his medicinal marijuana observation that he's running. Yesterday Terry asked me, "Do you like him?" I'm like YEA. like duh. ha ha, he's sooo intelligent I'm dying to know what the hell he's doing driving all over California asking about medicinal marijuana and probably getting paid to do this research. 

So my rival and I have been talking a bit lately... Terry and I BOTH did well on the stats exam but he got a 28 when I got a 27. He's so full himself right now. I told him look you better keep on top of this damn material because when that final comes around whoever gets a better score on that is the CHAMPION... 

For the 

Current scores:

Terry has 146 pts.

I have 142.

THAT EFFING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I was lazy on... If I had got 15/15, we would be tied. Ugh. 

Well anyway we'll see how well Terry did on this Econ test yesterday. To be honest neither of us thought we did well but about a quarter of the questions I got correct on the test were because he had explained the concept to me that morning. I know I've been stronger than him in Econ up to this point.. if he got a higher score on yesterday's test AND our stats test then I'll be mad

I am going to start logging how much time I study on average for each test so I can alleviate more stress that comes with sitting down and working. Sometimes when I think about sitting down and think about learning something my mind has an immediate response thinking that it's going to take an infinite amount of time... It doesn't, 5 hours is probably my average per important class per test.

...Not saying my speech class isn't important, but I honestly haven't read that book since day 1. The irony is that the exact same thing happened in my first speech class (no wonder I was getting such crappy grades in there) as well. There's just something so unnatural feeling about reading a book about giving speeches, I can't do it.

Damn, I'm kind of tired after all that writing. I'm gonna go back to bed for a half hour before I get up and shower. Morning is a great time to meditate.

___________________________________________________

10:12 am:

Yo. I got an 84 for on my econ test. Not bad, means I missed 4 questions. Terry bailed shortly after class started with another guy who was going on about how hard the test was. He pretty much just wanted to know his test grade and bailed, he's so stubborn, lol. 

I actually didn't listen to lecture today because Carbaugh was going over the test. I was reading the new chapter and annotating, got in about 45 minutes of studying so that was a plus.

I've been in a writing mood since I woke up this morning. That or talking but lately I haven't been hanging out with girls at all. Not intentionally of course, it's just harder to have consistent friendships with girls when their so wrapped up in their boyfriends and don't really feel a need to have new friends. 

peace. 

I feeling more and more exausted here.

Things haven't been bad. We went out to dinner at this really nice mexican food restaurant and I ordered a plate of fish and chips. I must've been so hungry last night, I ate super quickly. I don't know why but it seems like I'm always hungry here. It's not that we haven't been going out to eat and all that, it's just that I don't have my usual source of snacks to pull from. Back home, I have numerous sources to get random food from. Here, there's like nothing to snack on in my Grandma's cabinets.  
I'm listening to Pantera right now. I got really irritated with some of the stuff Grandma listens too and I want to listen to some of my own music as a pallet clenser I suppose. I've listened to this Greatest Hits CD so many times but I haven't really branched into their other music. I really should, I like them a lot but I don't like some of their less melodic stuff.

It's bizarre being here at times, I mean there's a lot of tension betweem Mandy and Adam and it makes me a little sad for her. Zoe really shocked me this year, she's grown up a lot since I've last seen her. The stage between preteen and teenager is a large jump. She said her experience in middle school was good for the most part.

Of course we spilt all over the table almost immediately upon sitting down. here's my Mom cleaning it up. She's such a leader, it cracks me up how she's always planning everything she does. Right now she's out hanging out with Georgia, and I'm pretty sure my sister is getting her senior pictures done by my cousin.

I got a chance to go to the beach today. I built a sand sculpture of a head. I'll post a picture of it later. I can still feel sand on my body periodically even if I showered off when I got home. Georgia said at around 2:00 PM, "If we're only 10 minutes away from the beach, why are we sitting around here?" We're always waiting around trying to figure out what everyone else (mainly Mandy and my Mom) want to do. I told her I wanted to get a second chance to go to the beach really badly, this time more prepared with building materials. I was given a little utility pail and gardening shovel. These worked perfectly and my creepy looking bald face in the sand was a success.

I of course ran out of time and was unable to complete the entire body, as expected. Next time I really should just build from ground level up.

I'm excited for my Mom to get home because she's bringing me food. I'm really tired of restaurant food but I haven't really had a chance to buy groceries aside from these crappy chips I bought at World Market. I'll occasionally grab  a bagel or something from the kitchen but there was few things to munch on there... I mean unless you want chips and salsa, all the time. I personally don't care for chips and salsa much at all. It's too much salt and gives me heartburn.

Maybe I could eat some crackers and hummus again... I've been missing my regular source of calcium because my Grandma doesn't buy dairy products, so that's been hard when I consume a lot of cereal on a regular basis. Makes me kind of happy this trip's coming to a close, though it's been great to see everyone.

peace.

Guess what everyone? I'm in California. Hurray!

There's a really pretty riff in Bleakwater Park by Opeth that I'd like to learn. Around 3:30 in the song it starts to play. Seems doable, even if Opeth has a tendency to be extremely tricky.

My Grandma lives in a small house with little privacy, really. It's very much my Grandmother's style, the light floral patterns and the French style decor.. She seems really happy here and we're super thrilled she now has her own place. She has no real desire to share her place with anyone else, it's the perfect size for my Grandma. We all kind of feel like we're in eachother's hair but we'll have to make the most of it.

I slept almost the entire car ride. I took three motion sickness pills and was out like a light for nearly all of the 16 hours we spent driving. Any time that  I wasn't sleeping I was playing my guitar. I didn't need much else.. but I felt really crabby because I have been experiencing cramps for days. I don't know if the cramps are actually from... *that* or because of stress.

Everything has been going well for the most part here though. As embarrising as it was at times I was able to play in front of my Grandma, aunt and Mom on this really nice amp that this guy is lending my Grandma. He said it's cheep and that he rarely uses it and I hope maybe I can buy it from him. It's so compact and has a powerful sound.

We feel extremely welcome here, the whole place is simple and peaceful and I'm really excited to see everyone. I saw Mandy for the first time in a couple years tonight. She seems a little tired.. She's going to bring Aiden over tomorrow. He's four and I'm super stoked to see him. Zoey is 15... I think, around there. She's coming over at some point tomorrow as well I'm sure.

Here's me in my Grandma's music and computer room. I plan to spend a lot of time in here. Having a new practice environment is good for me, and I might start messing with the acoustic more often. I need to learn more things and stick to what I'm doing until I've got it nailed.



I think I should learn some Perfect Circle. Their music literally never gets old. Perfect Circle and Tool has a certain quality about it that makes it withstand the arms of time. I should try to master it some Tool music on acoustic like Mitch did.

I'm excited for what's to come tomorrow. But for now I'm going to bed.

peace.

Budget planning for the trip

Today's been good so far. I woke up bright and early and played the Sims 2 for a couple hours. I finished up my Spahn ranch and Barker ranch replicas and I plan to start on my Sims music video later on. I haven't done this in a long time, but I figure it'd be cool to show off my creative touch with the game a bit-- even if people don't really watch Sims music videos but who cares.

I played guitar for an hour and 10 minutes so far. I also graphed out all my days for the past week and a half or so and it looks like I'm going to be paying Jacob on Thursday. I'm going to ask my dad for the money from cherries so I'll be able to pay for $50 of the $80 just from that, thus not cutting too far into my California trip savings.

Okay honestly there was never an actual savings plan for that. I've been trying not to think about it, but just to have a more pleasant experience I'll write out my budget for the trip.


Current Checking: $264
Current Savings: $1,170

I get paid 7/12 for this weekend and this upcoming Thursday. (about $270 or so)

Total: $1,434
Goal at the end of the summer-- September 10th, 2012: $2,000
(remember that my Dad will match whatever I earn. This is a huge incentive for me to save.)

Travel Arrangements

Gasoline contribution for duration of trip $40

$40

Daily Costs

Food

Estimated $10/day on two driving days. 

$60

Allowance of $35 for rest of the trip but no more.

$95

Shopping allowance

$50 for mac powder and a mascara. Also for when we shop around

$145

I know I'll probably go over this, but if at all possible I'd like to do this trip on the cheap. Like I've said before I've had some major set backs in my savings the past couple months and it seems more and more impossible to get to my goal by the end of the summer. I probably spend too much money, but working in retail it's hard to not make little impulse purchases here and there. I just try really hard not go overboard and only take advantage of the very good sales. But little $5 purchases here and there add up so quickly, and only fuel the fire of the money that I absolutely have to drop once a month for $80 and once every two weeks for $40. 

Driving in the car is going to be a bitch because I'm gonna have my guitar on my lap.

Last night I talked to Jack really briefly. I'm pretty sure he's working 40 hours a week or so at this place and is also working mornings. Not very many people share my work on the weekends schedule, aside from Katelynn and Alan. It's Monday, they're working.. 

I'm trying not to get in my summer rut. Things haven't been too interesting lately but I just can't be driving around right now. My phone is off so I feel cut off socially... I should go outside for awhile and come back and play after I sit out in the sun for a bit. 

peace.