Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when 

Best. F^%$ing. Line. in this Mastodon song "All the Heavy Lifting" that I absolutely love to listen to when I need an extra push during my runs around town. I joke that with all the pizza and beer I've consumed this summer I'm not even running to get in better shape, I'm running to stay in the same shape!! 

Anyway, what's up guys? It's Wednesday morning. I had the last two days off which I spent doing the usual, but did have a nice evening last night for my cousin Graham's going away party so I'll start out by telling you about that. 

This might look like any other picture of cousins taken over the years (Minus Rachel who's in Mexico for a mission) but there's more behind the fact that it's being taken. 

I feel like things have changed for the better  in our family because of the effort I've made to keep in touch with my grandmother regardless of the painful situation that occurred primarily between my Dad and Ty a few years ago that basically took my Dad out of the picture entirely. I know my Grandma didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I just think it more or less has comes down to my Grandma not wanting to deal with life alone after my Grandpa died and when Ty was willing to come in and take over the finances she was all for it. 

For about a year after that last cherry harvest where Ty wanted to fire me for messing up our already inefficient ticket system, I had no contact with anyone on that side of the family. I remember passive-aggressively making a point to my aunt how much I didn't like them by posting a status a following Thanksgiving when my Mom's side was visiting that it was "The best Thanksgiving ever." My aunt Teri and I got in an argument over Facebook shortly after and I deleted and blocked everyone on that side of the family for about a year. 

It wasn't until about Winter of my second quarter at Central when I started dealing with some major anxiety that I started trying to patch things up with my family. I started calling my Grandma when I was trying to come down from major panic attacks and her talk of mundane, day to day life would kind of put me at ease. She loves to talk so that kind of helped rebuild our relationship after not talking for two years. Since then my relationship with the rest of my family has been pretty good. We just entirely
avoid talking about the kind of sad and obvious stalemate that has occurred between my Dad and his family and just hope there can be some kind of resolution someday. 

Graham's going away party was actually a send-off for bootcamp with the Navy. He's going to Illinois to get his ass kicked, basically. But we're all really proud of him and he seems more than ready. It's pretty incredible, Graham lost 90 lbs in the last year by keeping a food diary and exercising in order to suit his recruiters needs. Only someone who really wants something could do that because losing significant amounts of weight is so hard, especially when you've had kind of the same build your entire life. So yeah I have no doubt he'll do great. 

The party was at my aunt Teri's house and she was cooking a lot of Dominoes (here I am eating pizza again!! I swear to God this summer I've been on the pizza diet...!). Teri, Traci, Grandma, Tiffany, Avery and I were all standing around the table chatting. One thing that came up a couple of times that stood out to me was the sudden death of a young Benton City woman that suffocated sleeping on a memory foam mattress. My Grandma went to the funeral because the family of the woman that passed is LDS and she is actually the older sister of a guy I graduated with. Very sad. 

....I can't help wonder if they'll file a lawsuit against temperpedic. 

I think the biggest highlight of the evening was that my uncle John and I actually related on something-- and this is a family member I've honestly never talked more than small talk bullshit to in my life! He asked me if I was returning to Central in the Fall and I told him that I'd decided to stay back and work full time for a quarter instead. 

When I told him I'd be "returning to business school in the Winter..." he asked me "So are they going to raise or lower the prime rate soon?" He was trying to see if I knew my shit and I wanted to seize the opportunity. I paused for a second... my mind was like 'God, think, Prime rate, interest, Carbaugh's class..." and I responded "The interest rate the federal reserve charges to borrow money? I'm not quite sure what they're doing now." 8-) Ha ha ha, Hell yea. I could have just bullshit and said they were going to lower it to increase spending if I wanted to sound like a real hotshot but I honestly don't know the REAL answer to that question. 

I told him that someday I want to go into forecasting stocks and portfolio building and he said he wanted to be an analyst himself if he hadn't become an engineer. He's bought and sold stocks before so I could probably learn a lot talking to him about his experience with it. 

I'm just dying to start playing around with buying and selling stocks on E-trade but before that happens obviously I've gotta MAKE some money. As of right now I'm flat ass broke and have been for a couple days. I've got a paycheck waiting for me at Caesar's but it's not worth the drive to Pasco to get it when I can just pick it up today when I go to work. 

With my little 3 and 4 hour shifts my paycheck is going to be puny as all Hell. I'm probably just going to keep out $40 in cash, try and stretch that as long as possible and put the rest of it away. I really need to start applying for other jobs. Things have just been coming up so I haven't had a chance yet but I think seeing my first paycheck will *really* motivate me. 

peace. 

Trying for years to fix this....

Evening..

Today was pretty interesting. For the first time this summer I had the balls to visit my grandma regardless of the fact that Ty owns everything now. Ty did call in a number of times, probably to ask whether or not I was still there and could come home without feeling awkward. I appreciate that he *did* leave today because it made it a lot easier to see my aunt and Grandma without bringing up the elephant in the room, but there was still so much tension.

My aunt Traci had come a few days ago to visit and my Mom couldn't help crying about how fragmented our family has become. She talked about how my Dad felt like he was exiled from his family and didn't know if anything would ever change it. I thought years would heal the pain but it's only made it worse. My Dad wants a relationship with his mom so badly but the tension between Ty and my Dad is too much to even step foot in that house after all that has happened....

It's such a catch 22 because Tyler plays a substantial role in my grandmother's life and none of us wanted to take that away from her. Having grown up LDS and always having a man tell her what to do, my Grandma has been afraid of feeling purposeless since my Grandpa died. She has taken care of Ty like she took care of my Grandpa and it makes her feel special so she's been willing to sacrifice the relationship with my Dad to give Ty what he wants. She felt that Ty should have the farm because my Dad has a great job, wife and daughters so he didn't need it.  What my Grandma didn't realize is how much the farm meant to my Dad which to this day destroys him.

At this point there's nothing we can do. Tyler has full ownership of the farm, including the shed and the land my Dad so carefully tended to all those years... I remember coming out to his barn in the evenings and I would be so proud of the beautiful gardens he planted. I would roam around and look at the tools he'd collected or catch frogs around the irrigation ditch. I remember listening to crickets and running through the weeds during sunset like it was the most beautiful place on earth. When that was taken away from us I didn't realize how much of an impact it would have but the repercussions have been more obvious every summer.

Annnyway..... Went over to my Grandmother's house today to visit. Traci had to deliver something to an elderly woman she used to care for so my grandmother and I had about an hour to talk. We talked about the usual-- About school and that I'd be graduating in one quarter, I asked her about her involvement with the Mormon church, etc etc... Anthony showed up and sat down, which was interesting having talked to him for the first time in a few years.

Here's a picture of Anthony and Wyatt. 

Anthony has gotten so tall! At least six foot... He's not a bad looking kid but definitely into  video games and anime to the point that the mainstream girl would be like "Whhhaaat are you talking about?" Lol about where I was at that age. 

peace. 

Morning.

Fourth of July turned out to be more fun than originally anticipated-- of course everything is more fun when you've got a few tequila shots in your system and could give a rats who saw you that night.*

A very familiar group of faces, almost all of which graduated in my sister's class. I hadn't seen most of them in ages so it was fun catching up. I normally don't say much about my own life unless I'm asked but I remember telling a lot of people I was almost finished in business school. 

Taylor H. is planning to go to flight attendant school. I thought it was interesting this school teaches how to be a flight attendant exclusively because it seems like being a waitress in the air but no doubt there's a ton of protocol involved that I'm not even aware of. The pay is of course significantly better than a waitress too, I think she'll do really well at that.

This was the first 4th of July I can think of in years where the thought of still being single this time of year didn't bother me. As I've always said I'd much rather be single than be with someone I don't like that much, and I know the likelihood of meeting anyone this summer that would come close to what I felt for Joel is very unlikely.

I did start to have a crush earlier this summer but I don't think it's going anywhere. He seems to take too much of what I say literally, making it very difficult for me to comfortably communicate with him. If he decides he wants to get to know me further, cool, but otherwise I've dropped hope of a potential summer fling there.

Today I'm going floating with Kim G. and some of her friends so I need to get ready. I've been using tanning lotion every day on top of epiduo to make that stupid scarring on my forearm less noticeable to my parents. I know eventually it will go away entirely (sooner than later if I'm using epiduo or Differin which is meant to get rid of acne scars) but using tanning lotion has made the discoloration a lot less noticeable. So when I go to the river today I'll have a nice tan glow!

My body looks pretty good regardless of having not gone to the gym in a couple weeks. I try to stay active at home by running and doing workout videos on my computer every so often. While I've been back I've also been downloading a lot of new workout videos because my old ones are getting boring. My biggest diet enemy is beer, especially when there's a ton of it around here because my family doesn't really drink but my dad will buy it and think he might drink it eventually (lol).

peace.

My life be like ooo aaaa

Today is going to be nice. For the first time since I've been back my parents are going to Olympia for my Dad's business trip and won't be back until Thursday night. I'm planning to have a friend over this evening that I haven't seen since... Christmas break I think?

It's 10:38 am and I need a shower. My Dad is going to keep me busy today with some projects like watering the plants and painting some benches. That'll be nice, I like having the chance to listen to some music, exercise and get tanner. I'd like to give myself a manicure at some point today after I play in the dirt, I hate when my nailpolish is half chipped off.

Yesterday was fun. I got paid and made about $170 from only 3 days of working, that's pretty damn good, especially considering how easy and enjoyable my job was. My Dad went out to his cousin's house yesterday and apparently this dipshit didn't make proper records of his worm spraying so the USDA marked the fruit "tainted" and unfit for regular grocery store produce sections. He's got an entire orchard of perfect cherries that he would make no profit hiring people to pick. He'll probably go out of business because of his own laziness.

He, my Dad and a few other people were apparently out there yesterday picking everything they could to be sold to different warehouses that decontaminate the cherries for canning and frozen desserts. They're only going to sell for $3 a bin or something ridiculously low like that and he'll be lucky to break even. What a dumbass.

I started drawing my first family portrait yesterday and it looks really good. I know the person I'm drawing it for has wanted one of him for a long time so this will be even better.

peace.

Never been so out of my mind.

Me using a tequila bottle as a meat cleaver. Michael came over and I made Parmesan chicken the other night. As you can see, though these bottles do have uses I have decided to discard them.

Evening.

Can't believe the last time I wrote was Tuesday, this week flew by. I've got a lot to say. This is the first time in awhile I can remember being too embarrassed to call my parents because of my actions. I've decided to really refrain from drinking from now on. This past week I've been taking a couple shots in the evening to both cure boredom and hide my feelings about the "Terry-having-a-girlfriend" situation (ha ha, I don't know why that's in quotes, can't get much more obvious than that.). I thought I could handle alcohol in my system but yesterday I realized I'm much more of a lightweight than I'd realized.

I got invited over by my Kenyan neighbors Joseph and Irene. It was super nice to see them and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I'd mentioned that I had a sink full of dishes and I had to get home to clean and Joseph offered me a shot of alcohol. Granted it was like 2 pm but it's also a saturday without a huge amount of homework so I said sure, what the hey... I was having a great time, eating chicken, whatever.

I don't know what proof that whiskey was but after taking just two shots of it I was drunk. Definately the drunkest I've ever been in my life. I don't even remember walking in the door to my apartment and putting the bowl of chicken in the fridge but I do remember going upstairs and falling on the floor, then puking all over my hair. I laid there for a second like "auuugh!!" and rolled over to clean up the mess. 

I then got in the shower to clean the puke out of my hair. I'm assuming I had eyemakeup everywhere and I don't remember washing my face. I dried myself off and did the weirdest thing... I put on just leggings and the wrestling tshirt I bought from Troy C. backwards. I went downstairs and took a Brokaid hoping it would somehow keep me awake to clean but I pretty much  passed out on the couch. Again this was at like 3 or 4 and my parents were planning to come that evening. My sink was still full of dirty dishes. 

When they came in and I woke up almost in a panic. I was super drunk and wanted to go back to sleep but the effects of the Bronkaid were also going through my system and making me feel wired and dizzy. My parents were like "What are you on?" I didn't mention the Bronkaid, I just said I'd drank with my neighbors and felt really, really sick. I was acting really paranoid and crazy. They dropped off some money and left shortly after (this was like 6:30 pm) and I overheard my dad say "Wow I was not expecting that" on his way out. 

I can't remember the last time I've felt so ashamed. I ended up sleeping until about 9:45 pm before I was able to sober enough to get online. Michael and I talked about what had happened and he's encouraging me in my plan to stop drinking entirely, or at least keep alcohol out of my house so that I don't feel tempted to drink when I'm bored in the evenings. 

I'm sure as Hell not drinking hard alcohol at Radcon either. In some sense I'm glad this happened because I was able to experience being practically incoherent drunk but in the safety of my own home instead of somewhere where someone could hurt me. *Quiver....* \

By the way in writing this I want in no way for there to be bad light shed on my neighbors. I was warned it was good and that I might not be able to study for a few hours but I overestimated my tolerance for such a high proof product. 

Oh well I lived to tell the tale, learned my lesson and can move forward with a healthier lifestyle. I still am not looking forward to re-discussing this situation with my parents what so ever and do not intend to call until a few days have passed and it seems like a distant memory. 

So for the rest of the evening I'll be going to the library to read my macro book and work on homework. I applied for an internship in Spokane for the summer that appears to fit my qualifications very well. I looked at the Batelle internships and most of them are for doing technical support for their information systems. My GPA isn't high enough to qualify for their statistical data analysis gig which sounded kind of cool but fine. I've worked my a** off for this 3.177 GPA and if it doesn't suit your standards I'll take my services elsewhere. 

peace. 

Enter 2014

Damn you know what I just realized? In 2013 I wrote 199 blog entries, could have had a perfect 200!!

Well that doesn't matter. Today was the supposed day that we were leaving, but I realized how mistaken I was when my Dad walked in this morning, "Hey you know you can take my car to downtown Atascadero and check it out!!" Uh, yeah no thank you I could give honestly give a rats a** about any of the overpriced junk they could try to sell me at those boutiques downtown.

Yesterday was New Years eve so we had a jam packed, interesting day. We started out going to Morro Bay to walk down by the water a bit. As you can see I'm wearing a sparkly shirt and jeans, not my normal beach attire but I'm glad I wore these pants because it was a little chilly. I mean not chilly in comparison to what I've become accustomed to at home at all but I should have brought a sweatshirt. 

I wore this same outfit out that night for a couple New years parties that our aunt brought us too. Her and Adam have a way of knowing about events and things to do. We first went to a party being held in what appeared to be a multipurpose building that might have been a church. There was this 80's metal cover band that was going super loud and lots of biker-y looking adults hanging around. We looked and felt pretty out of place there, but luckily I'd already sipped down 4 rum and cokes that night and it didn't bother me much. 

Anyway we left that party at around 11'. We had a big New years eve dinner at my Grandma's that evening, followed by some drinks at my aunts house, so I only think we stayed at that first party for 30 minutes. We next went over to this barn style building, I think the bar is actually called "The Ranch." 

It's f*cking weird partying and getting drunk around your family, especially when your Mom and aunt (and my aunt's friends, we came in a group so luckily that took some of the awkwardness away from this situation....) are like getting down on the dance floor to live reggae. Even my tipsy mind was like, nooo that's alright, you guys go ahead I'll just sit here, drink more and check the time every so often to see how long until I get out of here.... Though I'm not saying I was mortified by them, or that I didn't have a good time at all. It's just weird when you're in a bar and you've got guys hitting on you all over but you look over and see your Dad standing by the wall. 

I must have gotten picked up on by 6 separate guys last night, a couple of which were in the reggae band that played there. Ha ha, takes more than good guitar skills to woo me. I danced with a few but this was only after around 12:45 am when I was good and sloshed and knew my family was too drunk to be paying attention to what I was doing. The rest of the time I spent making bullshit conversation with guys that picked up on me, sitting by my sister or wandering around.

That was definitely the most interesting new year I've had in a long time. Moving on to a new year. What are my resolutions this year?

New Years Resolutions 2014

1. Make it a goal to practice 80 minutes a day, every day. This amount of time is not too much to take away from the rest of my life but provides enough practice to be making solid steps toward improvement on the guitar. 

2. Do 100 sit ups and 100 squats per day.  

3. Do hand massages every day to increase playing dexterity.

4. Be more proactive about checking my email.

5. Get a job in Ellensburg.

6. Actively use the law of attraction. Be kind to others and give love in order to receive love. Avoid negative thoughts or being a hater in any form, even if it's just in casual conversation. Accept that people are the way they are and should be accepted as such.

I've made a lot of progress in 2013-- on the guitar, spiritually, mentally and probably physically considering I have barely been sick this year. This year I was pretty poor, this year I'd like to make more money like I did in 2012. 

No word back from Sipic or the business office on the job posting yet. Still crossing my fingers. In two days I will call them. 

peace. 

A good guitarist just knows.

Today I decorated this "Gingerbread Dance Club" with my cousin Aiden. 

I love him so much and was super happy to see him. He's 6 now so we can carry on little conversations and he cracks me up because he's clever. 

It's Monday and tomorrow's Christmas eve. I don't really get all fired up over counting down the the days or anything, but now that it's almost here I'm getting excited. I finally finished my shopping today.

This morning I got up around 10:30 am. My Grandma and parents have always gotten up earlier and this morning I overheard my Dad talking to my Grandma about the guitar and how I'm starting to "create my own style with it." He also of course mentioned his awesome guitar-playing, pot smoking cousin Carl that once told my Dad that the key to getting good at guitar is Practice, practice, practice all the time. Lol thank you Dad for sharing this insight. Anyway that complement meant a lot to me... For some reason I'm always much more flattered when I overhear a person talking about me than a complement to my face that my playing is good.

Whenever someone says I'm good I just tend to deny it. Even after all this work I feel like I'm not close to where I want to be. I am so critical of my playing cleanliness, making mistakes, and the fact that I have such a difficult time memorizing things. I don't know any guitarists that have to grab a big binder of tabs to play for their f**king family, a good guitarist just knows. They know how to both improvise AND play songs. They can confidently perform pieces without forgetting sections and having to figure out where that damn measure is located so I can keep playing...

That perfection is what drives me to practice the way that I do. That confidence just isn't there yet... Even playing in front of my family in the living room that I haven't seen in a year in a half I found practically impossible. I was frustrated because I didn't have my nylon string acoustic and had to borrow my Grandma's steal string. I didn't have the Nothing Else Matters tab nor do I have Guitar Pro on this computer so I had to print it in ugly rough tab form from the ultimate-guitar website. The tab that I printed was laid out very confusing so I couldn't find the solo.

Yet everyone said it was good and I'm just screaming to myself in my head, "No! It's not!! I'm so much better than this, I just wish I had my acoustic.. I just wish I had the tab." And it's always been that way. I can sit here and play alone for hours upon hours and move from song to song seemingly effortlessly yet when I get in front of family or people like Jake that are way better than me I just become a disorganized, excuse making mess.

I'm so tired of that... I need to get my shit together and put more effort into memorizing songs and not skipping from song to song. I need to stick with just three songs at a time and make routine progress on them until I complete and memorize them before I stow them away and print new shit. I did sooo much of that my first year and a half of playing (note that I've been playing 1 year, 7 months... Jake only recently really cracked down on me for being ADHD with songs) and it's what's lead me to where I am now and I know the changes I have to make to get there now.

Wow, I was supposed to be writing about having a good day but now here I am crying.

I guess just being able to show my family what I can do after all this work is important to me. Somehow not having copies of two of my recital pieces was a complete b*tch and even if my family was impressed I still felt like sh*t about it. Oh well, guess there's always next year.


Okay let's talk about something other than guitar...

When I say playing for my family I mean my Mom, Grandma, Mandy, Zoe, Zoe's boyfriend, my sister, Adam, Aiden, Adam's neice and my Dad. My Dad and I had just gone Christmas shopping at Ross so I got a change to grab some last minute stuff that makes my amount of money right now a little less obvious. My Dad's been kicking me a lot of cash on this trip because he says he feels "bad for me" because my sister's loaded from working at Roasters. Well that's what I get for going to school full time I guess.

Next quarter I still will be. I'll just be taking that online class and having one class a day so I have zerooooo excuse NOT to get a job. I'd go stir crazy if I didn't. Terry and I are both convinced we are going to do a lot better this quarter than last, but that means I have to stay on top of things better than I did last quarter. Working might help me schedule my day better, who knows.


peace.

Tension you could cut with a knife

Damn it's been a long day.

10 hours driving to California is never fun but my Dad has just been on a roll since we left. With his continuous cursing and getting pissed off about the tiniest things it's put us all on eggshells. I've tried to just smoke and keep my mind preoccupied with my DS. Smoking on the road isn't an easy task though. It requires me to have to get creative about getting large amounts of water, then finding a windless, secluded location. Makes me feel like a damn druggy, but hey it's legal.

I mean I know I'm addicted, and being with family makes it even harder. I didn't pack enough ammunition for the trip so I'm going to try to hit up a relative to find a dealer.. I wish smoking wasn't such an inconvenience.

Last night I went out and had a pretty fun time. I'd met this guy named Jon on facebook when he asked me if I'd be interested in volunteering for radcon this year. We picked up his friend Laura (she was really sweet, I'm planning to add her on facebook and hope that wasn't just drunken friendliness) and met some other friends of his at the Uptown.

I'd drank a little at home and a shot of Vodka at Laura's so once I finished my beer at the Uptown I was feeling pretty good. I'm getting better at pool, and I'm starting to enjoy it! Ha ha probably not a very healthy hobby. Someday I want my own pool table for sure... Anyway. We played pool for awhile before a few of Jon's friends showed up, one of them was this asian guy named Michael that I ended up kissing at some point that night.... ha ha, alrighty Emily.

We went over to the Town Crier afterward which was a pretty damn good time too because the music was good and people were dancing around 12 so I got a little of that (last time I went out-- i.e. with Sheridan last week, there was no dancing where we went). The club scene just isn't there from what I've seen in the tri cities. But yeah, Town crier was fun, it's the first time I'd gone and they were pretty busy.

Whenever I'm at a Motel I half expect to see a hooker. Even if this has never occurred to me, it's always been an entertaining thought that somewhere in this Motel there's probably a John taking care of a client. 

Or not, it's pretty f*cking cold here in Weed California.

Right now I'm in a Motel 6 and it just hit 1 am. My sister and I got a separate room from our parents so we can get a much needed break from eachother and don't have to fight over the bathroom  tomorrow morning. It's a good idea. Had we gone to holiday inn we would have paid twice as much for one room and almost certainly had issues tomorrow morning...

Just gotta try and keep a positive outlook tomorrow. My Dad is always so negative.. whether he's talking about the news, talking about our lives, whatever. He just puts this horrible gray light on everything and quite frankly it makes me sick to be stuck with. It wears on my mom reallly bad too. She can barely say a word to him without him freaking out. When he acts rude it influences me to not bother being polite either. I have to be more cordial tomorrow or it's going to be a long day, a long trip......

peace. 

Damn holiday pounds..

Hello, guess who's glad to be back home for a few days?

It took me longer than my parents expected but what's new. It was a good trip home and as it seems I brought everything I needed but somewhere between the Ellensburg 7-11 and Toppenish I lost my debit card. Of course it's my "Central Connection Card" that allows me access to the laundry room, the gym, etc... I'm hoping it turns up but right now it's looking bad. How many times has this happened to me this year, three? Ugh.

I'm sitting in my bedroom which my mom has converted into a craft room. I don't mind it, it's a lot cleaner in here and it gives me room to workout. I'm going to probably be spending a lot of time up here and in the family room on the couch reading to review for upcoming finals.

I don't have any picks with me.... AGAIN. Okay maybe I didn't remember everything I had to get. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving so nothing's going to be open. I'm not even going to be able to call to cancel my card or buy picks.. I'm hoping there's a pick floating around my car, the case or my purse... If not I might have to try to bum one.

I think I'm going out with Ashleigh's friends on Saturday so that should be a good time. We're probably going to hang out and drink more at Phil's house afterward.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to that and leftover turkey sandwiches! My sister is of course doing a ton of pre-Thanksgiving baking. I didn't go crazy on the sweets or anything today as tempting as all the gingerbread was but my diet was pretty bad because I had McDonalds at lunch and had a BLT like an hour ago and now I feel like going to sleep instead of working out more like I'd originally planned.


I feel like I've been gaining weight and doing things like this isn't going to help me, that's for damn sure. Eating and then going straight to sleep can put on weight sooo fast. I plan to do a hundred crunches. Then hopefully it'll at least go to my ass.

I've started doing Tiffany Rothe workouts a lot again too. I hadn't checked back on her channel for sometime and she uploaded a bunch of new stuff to keep me fit over the holidays.

peace. 

Wow, feeling 20x happier today...

I think I might have finally found what I needed to make me happy here.

Lol can you see him? This is Marshall, I adopted him yesterday at the pet store in town.

I seriously could not be happier. Having this little guy to come home to after class has made me feel so much less alone in this place. Because I realize that not having a cat was what has made me feel so lonely! When I'm not living with other people I feel the most productive and content, and for said reason I'm never going to have a roommate again in my life. So it was really hard for me to figure out why I felt so bad-- like I wanted to be alone but didn't.. It was all just because I wanted something to feel unconditional love from and to take care of. Friendships don't satisfy that.

Adopting a cat from a pet store in town was not as cheap as picking up a free barn cat from a litter on craigslist but for me it was totally worth it. I knew that pets adopted out from small pet stores are usually very well bred and taken care of prior to release. Marshall was already litter box trained when I got him which has saved me a lot of hassle. 

So yeah I've just been 20x more calm and happy since I got him... He's can be very playful and curious but also very loving and relaxed with me. He has a little whiny cry right now and "mews" a lot to get my attention when he wants something-- which is usually just to be picked up. He can't climb the stairs but he's already really used to me carrying him around. When I first got him yesterday he made me nervous when I'd try to pick him up and he'd whine in pain and tense up like Michiko does but he stopped doing that too. 

Today I had a public finance test that I think I did pretty well on. I got a 75% on that Money and banking quiz-- pretty sucky but the grade I expected to get after not studying as well as I should have. I'm REALLY hoping Ghosh gives us back that test and the quiz tomorrow... that's getting old.

I am developing a crush on a guy in my Money and Banking class. The more I've noticed him the cuter I think he is. Unfortunately I know he has a girlfriend. At this point I quite honestly do not care.... if he ends up talking to me that is. All of our conversations we've had to this point have been very school related and "small talk-y." Definitely not flirtatious. 

peace. 

Born without a chance

To be honest I feel as though I'd rather not be here right now, and I hope that by the end of writing this blog I can be more relaxed to enjoy the rest of my night.

I am wide awake. I took a Bronkaid earlier after having little motivation to do anything after being out in the sun for a little while. A met up with a Japanese exchanged student Masaya and a group of his friends and played frisbee in the park for a little while pretty shortly after Evan hit the road this morning. I am freaking horrible at frisbee you guys, it was embarrassing. But it was still fun being out in that courtyard out by the music building. There were a bunch of guys playing football out there that I noticed were sort of eyeballing me when I was walking across the field to hang out with a bunch of Japanese people, it was kind of funny.

But yeah since then I haven't been up to anything really. I've been picking stuff up around here, did the laundry, played guitar for a little over an hour (and I'll probably play again here shortly) and talked to my Mom on the phone for about 45 minutes. It was a good conversation, of course. We're always just talking about what's been going on with these guys that kind of come in and out of my life, my classes, etc etc... I can talk to her about anything and I'm so lucky for that.

I sometimes think when I'm sad and alone how hard it must be for people that have never had their parent's support.

Austin, age 23, "When Austin’s stepfather died from alcoholism, he turned to alcohol himself to numb the pain. His girlfriend is now pregnant, and he’s doing as much partying as he can before his child is born. Austin needs an intervention to become a sober dad and break his family’s cycle of alcoholism."

http://interventiondirectory.wordpress.com/post-intervention-deaths/

I've been watching and downloading a lot of intervention that has leaked onto Youtube lately, and this is one episode that stood out out to me. Turns out the A&E actually has a directory of people that have died after intervention, and when I read that Austin was on there it made me a little sad because in his situation he really didn't have a chance. His Dad left his Mom when he was 2 and refused to be in any part of his life until he was in college. His biological father actually had the nerve to give him $12,000 to help pay for his living expenses but still couldn't wouldn't give him the satisfaction of building a real relationship with his son. For him it was like getting rejected all over again..

Shortly after he dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, and continued to drink and party himself to death. Clearly he turned to heroin in the end, and you can just see how he was trying to mask all the pain and rejection in his life. 

Watching people's stories on Intervention always helps me better understand why people behave the way they do which has always fascinated me. Like we're all people trying to make it in this world but some of us are born in such worse circumstances than others and moving forward for some is nearly impossible. I miss when Netflix had the rights to air this show but now I've just been waiting for more episodes to be temporarily uploaded on youtube so I can put them on my computer. 

That's really all I have to say about today. Nothing's really been up. I'm feeling a little better now that I've admitted that to my blog. What can you do, right? 

peace. 

Feeling some joy this holiday season.

I really am enjoying this month.

Being home has really started to feel like what it did when I lived here, though knowing I'm not stuck here makes it even nicer. This week has honestly been great, I've done so much and seen so many of the people I really should care about seeing. I don't know why I was so initially determined to spend time with people that I haven't spent time with before. I mean, I feel like certain people come into our lives for a reason, and going out of your way to search for new people in an area that you hardly inhabit anymore sounds pointless. Though I am open to spending time with new people, I've decided to let that happen if someone I haven't seen in awhile tries to get ahold of me first here in the next couple weeks. In which case, yeah, I'd totally be down to hang out with and catch up with anyone...

I guess what I'm saying is that one month is not enough time to do some of the things I'd initially planned but there are still other things that I do hope still happen... depending on how the roads are of course. There's also been NEW plans setting in motion for the next couple weeks so that's exciting too!

I still plan to..
-Go out with Samantha, either on Tuesday or Wednesday, 18th or 19th. I'm planning on saving this $40 in my wallet for said time. My car is full on gas, too, which is nice.

-See Brad on that same day that I go out to see Sam. They live in the same town so I'll be able to swing by before or after I see Samantha, hopefully.

Other things that have come up:

-Brendan is coming here sometime next week, probably the 21st or the 22nd. He's waiting to know what's happening with some jury duty before he knows if he can so I'm crossing my fingers, honestly.

-"Japanese club" (oh, the good old days) party at Taylor's house on the 23rd. These parties are always fun, and it'll be extremely interesting to see what everyone's been up too for the last year.

So yeah today was good! My mom gave me some money for doing the computer organizing and I did some Christmas shopping with my amazing bff Michael Z. I say BFF because he's another one of my very close friends. It's funny even if I don't mention him very often I do consider him one of my best friends because he's the first friend I made in college. Literally I met him in FYI at CBC. The first thing I asked him was, "Are we supposed to put our last names on these name tags?" and he's like "I don't know but I totally did on accident!" It's so funny for us to look back on that for some reason. He's a senior at UW right now studying biology, I'm very proud of him to be taking these rigorous courses but what else would you expect.. he's Chinese, ha ha.

Michael actually helped me pick this out. Check out this BEAUTIFUL gift set that I'm going to get my sister for Christmas. I mean this is primo Bath and Body Works. It's so hard to pick a decent smell because there's so many to choose from. I kept on picking up samples but nothing stood out to me as being the best. When I saw the gift boxes I knew immediately that's what I wanted to buy. They're really nice, my sister loves shower gel and B&B products. 

I always post what I get my family on my blog the day I buy it because I know I can never remember after I wrap it or even on Christmas day. It gets mixed into the pile of stuff. My sister doesn't read my blog, I know that... And to any of you mystery readers out there, don't be snitches! ha ha. I trust you. 

I also got a jacket for my Mom at Old Navy, one that looks remarkably similar to the many jackets I've borrowed from her and LOST because I know for a fact I don't return things very well. It's like, my sister gets mad when I use her shower gel so I buy her this... My mom gets mad when I lose her stuff so I buy her this to make up for it! It honestly hasn't happened in quite awhile, though... mainly because I don't live at home anymore, haha.

We have so much stuff in this house it'd be hard to tell if some things went missing. Most of the leftover junk in my room I could care less about, but feel some weird sense of nostalgic relief that it's still here. It's just stuff that makes me feel more at home.

I should probably call Brendan. It's almost midnight. We told eachother we liked eachother a lot yesterday. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I'm so surprised how much we have in common. We seem to have so many of the same philosophical views on things... yet at the same time we're different in things we do and music we listen too, but that's good I'm glad we're not completely the same! He likes sort of folky, acoustic music which hasn't even appealed to me for some reason. He's open and has an appreciation for many kinds of music, which is what's important to me.

He's so cool. We've been talking pretty much non-stop for the last week in some sense. Like I'm pretty sure we've talked on the phone every night this week except for a couple nights when I was tired. He's never the one to initiate getting off the phone. That's always me and it's because I'm normally tired. He's really good at texting but appreciates the fact that it takes me awhile to reply. Things are just going well with him and because there's not any emotional dramatic incidents I haven't had this need to come on here and go on and on about him. I do have a good feeling about something working out from this though.

peace. 

If I weren't leaving I think I'd be with you. [5 days!]

My Grandma and I had lunch today, which is an enormous burden off my shoulders because she hadn't really heard from my family in a couple years and wanted to know how we were doing. I told her how Avery and I are doing very well, and that neither of us are mad at her. Though the situation is extremely frustrating and my Dad has felt lost without the farm things just happen. We're all still in good health and I should at least make an effort to visit once and awhile.

I've never actually watched the show Bob's Burgers. I'm just... not interested, the animation turns me off. 

We went to Bob's Burgers and I got fish and chips. I only ate a little of it because I wasn't super hungry and wanted to save the leftovers for later but my mom ate them a few minutes after I stuck it in the fridge. Sigh.. I thought she'd at least leave some of it for me, I think I actually said I didn't want any more of it. Probably for the best that I don't eat two big servings of fish and chips in one day...

This morning it took me awhile to get out of bed and I've only practiced the guitar 40 minutes today. I'm going to need a new motivation now that Jacob will no longer be teaching me. I was thinking of starting a new reward system where if I practice my three hours (which will probably shorten to 2 once I start with school) a day I'll put a sticker on my sheet. At the end of the week, for every sticker on my sheet I'll earn $5.  I'll take the cash directly out of the bank and spend it on absolutely whatever I want/need with it.

Better a reward system with cash than food.

Katelynn and I hung out today for a bit. It was a quick visit because she drove out here and had to leave because Alan needed his car. I read her the crazy Trisha/Dylan blog entry, it was the first time she'd gotten the detailed story. They texted me again recently when Dad and I went to Hobby Lobby asking if I wanted to let the "past be the past" and hang out again. Uhm, no thank you...? Just thinking about them makes me shake with anxiousness. I've never been with anyone that finds and points out my flaws so readily.

Katelynn mentioned that she saw Josh K. recently at Albertsons or something. I'm sad that he never really comes into Rite Aid anymore. I don't know if it's because of me because he feels obligated to make small talk or if it's because he can't drink monsters anymore... Or maybe he just doesn't drink monsters and smoke cigarettes anymore. OR he is buying them but found a better deal than Rite Aid. Either way, I haven't seen him in weeks, and I probably won't get a chance to say goodbye.

I'll spend the majority of my shift wondering this tomorrow. The funny thing about Josh is this... I think he is s attracted to me as I am to him but he has never wanted to start something because I'm leaving. This is also probably why  we haven't spent any time together since then (he's messaged me drunk a couple times wanting me to come out there but I don't want that right now... even if I would have liked too). He's been my only interest this summer. He's always been really respectful toward me which is huge. He's confident, nice, AND smoking hot.. all good qualities. I imagine if I weren't going to college, Josh and I would be dating.

But things aren't going to happen that way because they weren't meant too. For some reason God wanted me to have some major alone time this summer, apparently.

5 days!!!

Check it out I finally got a new default. 

Giggity.

It's been awhile since I've been able to get a decent webcam shot. I like my facebook picture to be pretty nondescript like this. 

Shoot it's almost 8:00. I stayed up late one night last night and woke up with worse acne than yesterday, even if the one on my face on the left disappeared I've got two more now near my chin. I need to order differin again but it's so expensive and that'll take a good chunk from my last paycheck but oh well, it's an $80 rescue product that I always should have on hand with my skin issues.

Tomorrow is my last Saturday shift. I have to go into it with a good attitude like I did on Thursday to make it through as quickly as possible.

peace. 

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace. 

I actually almost laughed it was so good....

The intensity and anxiety of today has left me unable to write much, but I'll talk about what happened for a little while.

I went to my Grandma Ruby's funeral and because she was 95 years old it was rather small. I hate to say it but funerals for the very elderly people tend to be sort of small because a lot of their friends and family members in life have already passed on. Ruby was really beautiful. My mom told me people in our family have always said we looked similar, and I can see some slight similarities between us. I'd post a picture but I don't have service on my phone.

My family was all there. It was almost all close relatives like Todd, my uncle Terry, Ty, Terry, Traci, and my Grandma Fran. Kelly's parents were there too, but they sat towards the back with the handful of other local people that knew Ruby. The whole environment was extremely sad, but not because of Ruby's death necessarily but what has happened to our family. I felt like everybody knew; there's no hiding what's happened since my Grandpa died and that's what made everyone cry today...

Everything has gotten so cold between us, nobody really knows what to say. I have tried to act like nothing happened around Grandma because that's what I have to do. Grandma thought she was doing the right thing by letting my uncle Ty have the farm but the way it was handled somehow drove our situation to everyone barely speaking to us. My Dad had a really hard time in the funeral and we had to go.

I was completely blown away by an incredible performance of "Ava Maria" sang by Rebekah Norman. I actually almost laughed it was so good, it was like WOW! NOT expecting that.

That's all I can really write about it, I'm going to go out to lunch with Grandma this upcoming Wednesday. Just one more time I've gotta do before I get out of here. It'll be nice, though. Grandma and I really do need to catch up.. I think she'd really appreciate it, too, we haven't really had the chance to talk in years aside from the phone conversation I had with her recently.

I just have to make amends with her more than anyone because I feel like she's one of the main reasons I'm alive. My mom can go on not talking to most of my Dad's family because of the circumstances and it's perfectly reasonable but because I was never directly involved in the farm situation I should at least try to make things right with Grandma.

I'm still never talking to Ty again though, he tried to fire me for God sake, ugh.

10 more days!

4 more shifts!!

Today's shift was easy enough because it was just Jodi and I. It's funny, she actually brought up the fact that working at Rite Aid is extremely repetitive.. This is the first time anyone has brought this in the year I've worked there. Yeah, it's horribly repetitive, I'd pull my hair out if I had to work their indefinitely like many of these women. 

Tomorrow I'm actually going to be working the floor from 7-2 instead of 7:45-3, we're going to hang an epic amount of tags which is LOVELY because I won't be dealing with customers all day. Traci is. :o) Hehehe.

Poor Miranda has no idea that I'm leaving yet. She's been really loyal to me lately, as she tends to do at the beginning of fall after spending her whole summer outside. She's curled up so sweetly on my bed right now. I'm probably not going to cuddle up and go to sleep until 1 or so tonight, though, because I haven't played my guitar all day today... I've just been too pooped. 

Gotta play, gotta practice, it cleans and clears my spiritual chakras and gets me ready to face the next day. My head feels absolutely clogged right now. I feel sort of anxious (even after a nap) from earlier and I hope playing can calm me down. 

peace. 

Guess what everyone? I'm in California. Hurray!

There's a really pretty riff in Bleakwater Park by Opeth that I'd like to learn. Around 3:30 in the song it starts to play. Seems doable, even if Opeth has a tendency to be extremely tricky.

My Grandma lives in a small house with little privacy, really. It's very much my Grandmother's style, the light floral patterns and the French style decor.. She seems really happy here and we're super thrilled she now has her own place. She has no real desire to share her place with anyone else, it's the perfect size for my Grandma. We all kind of feel like we're in eachother's hair but we'll have to make the most of it.

I slept almost the entire car ride. I took three motion sickness pills and was out like a light for nearly all of the 16 hours we spent driving. Any time that  I wasn't sleeping I was playing my guitar. I didn't need much else.. but I felt really crabby because I have been experiencing cramps for days. I don't know if the cramps are actually from... *that* or because of stress.

Everything has been going well for the most part here though. As embarrising as it was at times I was able to play in front of my Grandma, aunt and Mom on this really nice amp that this guy is lending my Grandma. He said it's cheep and that he rarely uses it and I hope maybe I can buy it from him. It's so compact and has a powerful sound.

We feel extremely welcome here, the whole place is simple and peaceful and I'm really excited to see everyone. I saw Mandy for the first time in a couple years tonight. She seems a little tired.. She's going to bring Aiden over tomorrow. He's four and I'm super stoked to see him. Zoey is 15... I think, around there. She's coming over at some point tomorrow as well I'm sure.

Here's me in my Grandma's music and computer room. I plan to spend a lot of time in here. Having a new practice environment is good for me, and I might start messing with the acoustic more often. I need to learn more things and stick to what I'm doing until I've got it nailed.



I think I should learn some Perfect Circle. Their music literally never gets old. Perfect Circle and Tool has a certain quality about it that makes it withstand the arms of time. I should try to master it some Tool music on acoustic like Mitch did.

I'm excited for what's to come tomorrow. But for now I'm going to bed.

peace.

Work to pay for these kid's fieldtrips.

I helped pick some cherries today. Figured I could use the money. I picked 9 buckets full of almost perfect Rainiers and earned $50. Unfortunately this money is going to slip right out of my hands more than likely because my Mom has to drive up to Bellingham to get these f*cking kids. You think my mom will be able to pay me back? Nope. I'm so done. The only, ONLY reason she'll be able to get that money out of me is because she will blame the fact that she has to go up to Bellingham on me because the only reason she took this project is because she thought I'd be going there.

I have no idea how she thinks she can go to California right now... We're having such a hard time as it is without the orchard to that used to get us a few grand each summer just for whatever we chose to do with it. Cherry harvest used to be sort of our summer blow money, but without that there hasn't been any room for trips in years. The last time I went to California was... I'm pretty sure the summer before my senior year. That's a long time, I feel like I have to go down there because it's going to be my Great Grandma's 90th birthday. I actually remember when she turned 80 when I was ten years old and my Grandma Marty picked up the horrendously ugly purple Mexican cake, love it.

So much of this is all my Dad's stupid family's fault... if they hadn't of kicked my Dad off the farm for no other reason besides greed we wouldn't be having as many problems now. Granted this season still would have sucked, but my Dad has helped steer through horrible seasons before. It's just the nature of the business, you're going to have bad years and lose money, but my Dad always somehow found a way to make money even on the shittiest seasons. He'd sell some of the smaller cherries to the Mormon ladies that can them, they'd buy the boxes for only $10 or so, but that was $10 that would have just sat on the ground rotting away.

It's that kind of mentality that I try to have with business... something really is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to work hard even if the reward isn't great because getting a little money for some work is better than no money at all. I worked so hard this morning, my back hurts and my brain feels so zapped from the sun.

I'll probably just sit and play guitar the rest of the day. Not much else to do, I've got work the next couple days. I've been so lonely lately, haven't even told my mom that my cell phone is going to turn off again because I pretty much just use it for music and getting ahold of Sam and Katelynn anymore. I can always get ahold of both of them on facebook, there's no reason to turn my phone back on.

No word from Jack in like, four days. We've barely talked at all. I'm in such a hard limbo right now because unless I find someone better than Jack I can't seem to get over him. My heart still somehow holds onto something, even if I know logically that I shouldn't think that with our history. My head is what drives me every day, and I have been able to get passed my heart and tell him to fuck off, time and time again, yet he seems to always get my forgiveness when he randomly pops up out of nowhere and tells me all the reasons I'm wrong in being mad at him.

I think I have every right to be frustrated with him, that's for damn sure. Mainly out of the humiliation that I feel that I still have feelings for him at all when I talk to Samantha, Katharine or Katelynn about it. Periodically I'll talk about it with them, if ever at all, more so with Samantha than the others. By now, though, Katelynn always just gives me some version of, "So... when are you going to tell him to fuck off?" And Katharine tells me to just ignore whenever he texts if he tries. It's not that fucking simple. Samantha just sort of takes it and accepts the fact that I have a problem. Sometimes you just need that person instead of hearing the truth, because I know what the truth is. That I'm extremely alone, and waiting for some moron to fall back on me.

It's sort of sad that I'm this attractive and talented, yet so alone, isolated and sad inside by my lack of companionship.

Don't get me wrong, I have guys that go after me a lot, but I'm so whipped emotionally because I've never actually loved anyone that the only way I can finally get away from him is if:

A. He finally just says, Emily, I don't like you, I've never REALLY liked you, and this whole thing has just been a headgame because I got lonely and you were convenient enough to talk to for awhile while I was looking for someone else.
Granted, he's not going to actually say this, he'd more say a lie such as: Emily, you're cool and everything and I like you as a person but you're to forward and it's intimidating to me so BYE! Sorry for leading you on for a year! Seriously, no hard feelings.
I'd be perfectly fine with this. 


B. I meet someone else. Realize Jack really isn't that great because I happen to find someone else I can relate to on that level and talk to for 3 hour increments and laugh at the dumbest shit that probably makes no sense to most people.
Yeah, good luck. Certainly not happening in the tri cities. I've accepted that fact that I will almost definitely be alone for the next few months.. July, August, most of September... alone alone alone.

And that's it. That's why this situation pains me so much because I can't really escape it. I AM patient, I've held out for a long time.. And God, if this is part of your grand plan for me you sure as Hell better make it worth my wait because this is bullcrap. Spontaneous fate has a way of showing itself when you least expect it, but it's hard to "least expect" things when you're so depressed about being alone that you find yourself waiting for something to happen. 20 + hours a week of guitar and lessons with Jacob has been huge savior for me. It's almost like therapy because I've gotten more self confidence, but there's still a part of me that's always dead.

I just can't think about it... without this blog I'd have to rant to my friends about this so what can I do.

peace.