Thursday, August 23, 2012

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Let's avoid being rude and nasty, thanks